0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Under the sea... #
0:00:04 > 0:00:15This programme contains adult humour
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# While we're devoting Full time to floating
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# Under the sea
0:00:21 > 0:00:22# Diddly-da-da-da
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# Diddly-da-da-da
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# Diddly-da-da-da
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Da-da-da-da... #
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Attention!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02That the MP's car here, Sarge.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Thank God you are here, Lassie.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Stupid dog.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Positions, everyone. Attention!
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Hiya! I'm the driver for the MP. The MP is in the back.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Except he isnae.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20You are on the wrong side.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23What, the Taliban?!
0:01:23 > 0:01:28- Oh, right. I'll move it. - No, no, just leave it.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- Smith.- Rounded up, that was one minute over, Sarge.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Well, just dinnae round it up then.
0:01:33 > 0:01:39- Procedure.- Procedure. "Procedure!" That's what you sound like, Charlie. Procedure. Procedure.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Enough! You had better start shaping up.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44The man who will be in that car tomorrow as the power to shut
0:01:44 > 0:01:46this place down.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50- That's all right, then. Just don't let him in.- Or don't let him out.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Brilliant. Either way, sorted.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Put a brick in it. From the top. No mistakes.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59HE STARTS CAR
0:01:59 > 0:02:01CAR STALLS
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Right, can you all just turn around,
0:02:04 > 0:02:06because I don't like folk staring.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Do you have any brain cells that work?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Eyes front, do not move.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29He's going to give himself an embolism.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Definitely.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Jacko's a jammy dodger missing this stress.- Jammy? Nut.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I'd much rather be doing this than getting beasted off the SAS
0:02:38 > 0:02:41and then turned down because your hands arenae big enough.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42ALL: Woooooh...
0:02:42 > 0:02:43OK.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Tomorrow, the MP will be having some idle chitchat with some
0:02:47 > 0:02:48preselected bozos.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Bagsy being a bozo!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53For the purposes of today,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I will be playing the part of Stephen Maxwell MP.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58You idiots will be playing yourselves.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I read that the committee Maxwell sits on
0:03:00 > 0:03:03is looking at closing up to three barracks.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08Well clearly, you have not read How Not To Piss Off Sgt Thomson,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10by me, Sgt Thompson.
0:03:10 > 0:03:16Selection time. Smith, do you like being stationed at these barracks?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Absolutely. I find the sense of history fascinating.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22To think that we're standing in a garrison that has been...
0:03:22 > 0:03:25HE YAWNS LOUDLY
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Agony. Congratulations, Smith.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31You have just taken a vow of silence. Next.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36- Miller, do you like being stationed at these barracks?- Yes!
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- What do you like about it? - Just everything.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44The food, the exercise, the guns, the tanks, the bangs.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- The food, going to wars... - You've no' even been to war yet.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- Corporal Bawbag, zip it.- I hope the MP says bawbag tomorrow.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57Shut up! Miller, you're a yes. Keep that enthusiasm up.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- Absolutely, definitely, Sarge! - McLintoch.- Hiya, Mr Maxwell MP.
0:04:01 > 0:04:07- How's politics?- Do you like being stationed at these barracks?
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- Oh, yes.- Why?
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Erm... That is a very good question.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I think because of the people,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20because of course, I myself individually am one.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Without people, all you would have is loads of uniforms
0:04:24 > 0:04:26but no-one to wash them.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- McLintoch.- I wasnae finished. - You are now.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Vow of silence effective immediately.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33HE MOUTHS
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I heard that!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I dinnae see it affecting me, but if it does...
0:04:40 > 0:04:42um...
0:04:42 > 0:04:46I know a lot of them become security guards,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48a lot of them join the police.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53A lot of them go on to be bouncers.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54I even ken a few hairdressers
0:04:54 > 0:04:57and there's maybe one or two that went into teaching.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02But overall, I would say that bald people can do whatever they want.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05You know, apart from use a comb.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Or look young.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Imagine being bald!
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Nightmare!
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Whoa, whoa!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- Straighten the barrel.- What, Sarge?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- Straighten that barrel!- Eh?
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Are your ears painted on? Get that barrel straightened!
0:05:34 > 0:05:39Oh, straighten the barrel. Straighten the barrel. Yes, sir.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Sarge, that's me away to the airport, right, but don't worry,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I will be back before you can say,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53"I miss Gary, I wonder when he's back. I hope he brings crisps."
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Get a shift on. Pronto!- Sarge.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Faster!
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Argh!
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Argh!
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- Everyone, stand back.- This isn't time for a party piece. Sarge is hurt.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- Sarge, is this sore?- Argh! Don't! - I think Sarge has hurt his leg.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14We need to get him to a hospital. It's probably a fractured femur.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Oh, shut up, Dr Daein'-Ma-Heid-In.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I'm really sorry, Sarge! Do you want a Disprin?
0:06:19 > 0:06:23I'm fine. Give me a hand up.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Argh! Ya hoorin' dick sponge!
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I'll call an ambulance.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Sarge, what about the MP? Someone will have to show him round.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I'm someone! I'll do it!
0:06:32 > 0:06:33- Naw!- Sarge, what about me?
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I do feel that my inter-personal skills are massively underrated...
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Definitely no!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Yass! I win. Sarge, dinnae you stress about me talking to the MP,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43cos we all kens I speaks the bests.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Right. Stick to the agenda.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50No yapping on and just yes and no answers to his questions. You got that?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Yes and no answers.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Yes and...no. Yes.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57McLintoch, this goes by the book,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01cos if you mess this up, the barracks and us could be history.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I knew that this moment would come.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10We've got a mountain of dirty dishes to dae
0:07:10 > 0:07:15and by the power of Greyskull, I'm gonnae step up to the plates.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Argh!
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Ah, yes, Sir Michael, picked up with the usual Army efficiency.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Yes, we're en route to the barracks now.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Yes, got your memo.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29A definite candidate, yes.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Of course, yes. You'll have my recommendation by five.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36HE CHUCKLES
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Yes, it did. Of course, unless we cut and run early, so to speak.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Ha-ha-ha.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Yes. OK, Sir Michael.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Nice talking to you. Bye for now, Sir Michael.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50What a bore.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Stephen...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Oh, Lucy, it's OK. I'm sure the corporal isn't listening.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56No.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I've been to so many barracks lately,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01that I'm beginning to feel a bit of a soldier myself.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Yes?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Not that they've let me blow anything up.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Yet!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07In spite of your hints.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Pow!
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Stephen, on arrival, we'll be meeting with a Captain Fanshaw,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14followed by lunch, then...
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Yes, yes, yes. Like every other visit we've ever done.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Fine.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21So have you seen combat, Corporal?
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Yes.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Iraq, Afghanistan?
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Yes.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Yes.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Well, it's nice to know we're in such experienced hands.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Yes.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39What time do you have, Corporal?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44No.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Excellent.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00They're right on time, sir. That's Stephen Maxwell MP arriving.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Marvellous.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Who?
0:09:03 > 0:09:04The MP.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08The defence review?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- The future of the barracks?- Ah.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Oh. Uh...
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Captain, permission to say loadsae words, not just yes and no.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Granted.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Um, Captain, this is Stephen Maxwell MP.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Stephen Maxwell.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Ah, good.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Oh, and, eh, this is Lucy.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Lucy Decker. Parliamentary aide to the Defence Review Committee.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Gosh!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Pleasure to meet you, Captain.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54The pleasure's all... Captain Fanshaw.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Good.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15I was just saying to your corporal that I've visited so many
0:10:15 > 0:10:19of these barracks lately, I'm feeling a bit like a soldier myself!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Ha-ha! He WAS saying that.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I heard him saying that. I was there. Aye.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30This is going well.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Oh, yes, it's all going... Well, of course...
0:10:33 > 0:10:35today, we're going to be...
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Er, Sergeant?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Oh, of course, he...broken.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Er, agenda!
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Well, I'll leave you in the capable...of...Corporal.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55So that was your debrief with Captain Fanshaw.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Um...so next on the agenda is, er, lunch.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Corporal, I have lunch at 12.30!
0:11:02 > 0:11:05That's all right. We can put yours in a bag, you can have it later.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07No, it says on the agenda, 12.30.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12Oh, um... Aye, you see, that's because sometimes we have to, like,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16train our stomachs to eat at different times, you know, to, like,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19adapt to fighting conditions.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22You see, Lucy? We're in the Army now.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25We've got to adapt. It's a fighting lunch.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Aye! Exactly!
0:11:27 > 0:11:28It's a fighting lunch!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I might punch you in the face when you're having your lunch.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I willnae.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35# Yo
0:11:35 > 0:11:37# You might hear me make a racket like Wilson
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- # Cos I love summer No Rachel Bilson- Yes
0:11:39 > 0:11:40# The winter will come
0:11:40 > 0:11:43# We'll just have parties inside They're still fun
0:11:43 > 0:11:44# Pump this
0:11:44 > 0:11:46# Chase your boyfriend
0:11:46 > 0:11:47# We're rowdy
0:11:47 > 0:11:48# Girls make our judgement cloudy
0:11:48 > 0:11:51# But when the sun comes out We're still alkies
0:11:51 > 0:11:52# We don't wanna be lousy
0:11:52 > 0:11:54# Or shameless, but we're running
0:11:54 > 0:11:56# Round like we're brainless
0:11:56 > 0:11:59# Now I've got grass stains on my brand new white trainers
0:11:59 > 0:12:00# On my brand new white trainers
0:12:00 > 0:12:02# Um... I know a few guys hate us
0:12:02 > 0:12:05# They're as compelling as Neighbours so laters
0:12:05 > 0:12:06# It's blaters we've got
0:12:06 > 0:12:07# Our own style, you know now
0:12:07 > 0:12:08# So go wild and get hosed down,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10# N-no-no, yeah-yeah
0:12:10 > 0:12:11# Let's get down with the trumpets
0:12:11 > 0:12:13#Let's get down with the trumpets
0:12:13 > 0:12:15# Let's get down with the trumpets
0:12:15 > 0:12:17#Let's get down with the trumpets
0:12:17 > 0:12:19# Let's get down with the down with the
0:12:19 > 0:12:21# Let's get down with the Down with the... #
0:12:21 > 0:12:24So, moving on, what's next, Corporal?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Next up, we've got Private Miller here.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30He's going to be doing some speaking to you.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33So, Private,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36what's your experience of being stationed at these barracks?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38EVERY DAY IS AMAZING, SIR!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- Really?- Aye! Aye, it is.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42And Private Miller here, he drives our tank,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Meatloaf.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47We called her Meatloaf after the singer.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Meatloaf!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51You drive a tank, eh?
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Is it big?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54YES, SIR! IT'S A TANK, SIR!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Hmm...
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Beast.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Are you actually OLD enough to even have your licence, son?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06YES, SIR! PASSED THIRD TIME, SIR!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Congratulations!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Actually, your corporal was just saying there
0:13:11 > 0:13:15that maybe we could all go for a spin in Meatloaf later.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16- Was I?- Mmm.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19YES, SIR! WHEREVER YOU'D LIKE TO GO, SIR!
0:13:19 > 0:13:23No, we're not cleared to actually use any Army equipment today.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25That was just Steve's little joke.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27YES, MA'AM!
0:13:27 > 0:13:33IT WAS HILARIOUS! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Mickey...
0:13:55 > 0:13:56I'm sure he won't be long.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02< HURRIED FOOTSTEPS
0:14:02 > 0:14:04What is it?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05What's the emergency?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Where's that?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12It's here. It's an aerial photograph.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Oh, is it?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18It just looks different cos it's black and white. Right.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Well, in answer to your question,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23that's here
0:14:23 > 0:14:26and it's a photograph taken from an...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28from an aerial.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Thank you, Charlie.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32So there's been a barracks here for quite a while then.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Well, believe it or not, but there has in fact been
0:14:37 > 0:14:39a barracks in some form on this particular site
0:14:39 > 0:14:41since before the Roman times.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42I didn't know that.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Fascinating!- Aye! Aye, it IS fascinating, eh?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Charlie's got loads of...
0:14:47 > 0:14:50fascinating...facts.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55Well...it's interesting to think that in around 142AD,
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Antoninus Pius ordered the building of the Antonine Wall.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Really?!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Which instigated the construction of where we stand today.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- MOBILE PHONE RINGS - Oh, thank God!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Sir Michael. ..Hello, Sir Michael. Yep, uh-huh.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Yes. Yes, no, I completely agree. Yep.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Well, Lucy seems to be enjoying herself.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Yep. Yep.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Yeah, well, it's pretty much made up MY mind.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Yep, agree.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE: "Respectable" by Mel and Kim
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Hello, random telephone box in the street.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27No, Sarge, it's me. Gary.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Aye. We're in the museum.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I'm following the agenda!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34But listen, I was thinking, right?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37You're right, Sarge.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I shouldnae think.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Yes. I AM an idiot.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Right, OK.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Back to the agenda.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Bye, Sir Michael.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Right, OK. Right, speak to you later. Cheers! Bye. Bye. Bye.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53OK, Lucy, I think we'll be done
0:15:53 > 0:15:56by...2?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I see.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01B... I don't... What does that mean?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Corporal, it means the Defence Committee is considering their options.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Well, that's that then.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10I KNEW your chat would be the death of us. Right, seriously, dinnae make
0:16:10 > 0:16:13any more decisions until you've seen what's next on the agenda, right?
0:16:13 > 0:16:18I swear tae God. It is gonnae...remove your socks.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Shall we?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31And behold, it's...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Another store room.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Actually, I think we MAY have seen enough now, thank you.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Who you calling?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Corporal, that's a little inappropriate.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47But it can't be the end yet, no yet! You've no' seen, like, the...
0:16:47 > 0:16:48The guns!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Eh?
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Oh!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Look! Huh?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Have a shot!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- Huh?- A shot?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Well, have a hold.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02No, you said I could have a SHOT.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Stephen, that's Sir Michael.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Hello, Sir Michael?
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Yes, yes, agree.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Er, no, not QUITE yet.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19No, I think we've a few more things to do here.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22OK, yes, very good.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Right.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Looks as if we're about to do a bit of an...agenda-benda.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Let's dae it!
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Right.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42The reason there's some European countries in so much debt
0:17:42 > 0:17:44is that basically...
0:17:44 > 0:17:48they got their pay packet and went mental, like you do on a Friday.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51But they've been doing it every day of the week, like for ages.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Um, but then...
0:17:54 > 0:17:56they ARE abroad, so...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00maybe they just think they're on holiday,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02which I suppose they are.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05And sun cream does cost mair when you're away.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07You know, you maybe eat oot, a few drinks, see?
0:18:07 > 0:18:12It's actually pretty easily done, eh?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15But you see, that's why Scotland isnae in such bad shape,
0:18:15 > 0:18:16cos we're no' abroad.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Ken?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I mean, look at Greece.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24I bet they're regretting smashing a' they plates noo, eh?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Idiots.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28GUNSHOT
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Ha! I thought it would be louder.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35GUNSHOT
0:18:35 > 0:18:37MOBILE PHONE # Take, take, t-t-t-t-take, take...#
0:18:37 > 0:18:42- Gary, we were waiting for ages for you in the map room.- Tell me that's not Maxwell firing that.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Listen, there's been an agenda-benda.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- A what?!- An agenda-benda. It's a phrase I made up, but it seems to make sense.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Oh, right! Agenda-benda.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53No, Thomson is gonnae go raj. He told us to stick to the agenda.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Aye, but the agenda wasnae working. He was bored oot his skull. He was gonnae close us doon!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58So you gave him a rifle?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- Aye!- Totally! Guns are exciting.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Po-o-o-ow!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Sarge clearly said...
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Aye, but Sarge willnae be a sarge if we all lose our jobs.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09That's why I had to kick in the agenda-benda. (Trademark.)
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- HE SHOUTS - Did I hit anything?!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Aye! Everything! Pure barry sounding that, eh?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Bulls-eyes!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Well, gentlemen, that was very accommodating of you,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21to let Stephen fire a deadly automatic weapon.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22You're welcome.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24But I think the map room is waiting.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Whoa! Thanks for that, Corporal. Quite a little kick off that.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29What's next in the arsenal?
0:19:29 > 0:19:33The map room, Stephen. That's what's next.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Really?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36How? WHat were YOU thinking?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Well, it just seems a shame to go and look at some maps
0:19:39 > 0:19:43when...I've just started to really enjoy myself.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Well, if you liked that, you'll LOVE an RPG.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- You've got an RPG?!- Stephen, NO.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Actually, Stephen,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- yes.- Gary, no.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Gary, yes?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Gary...yes.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00OK, yeah, yeah.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02This feels right. A proper weight, eh?
0:20:02 > 0:20:06What sort of range does this baby have?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08It's about infinity and beyond.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10So this is the sight.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- OK?- Yeah, and is this the fire button here...?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Dinnae press that yet, ya mad raj!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Right, good times.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Just keep your weight forward.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22This is madness.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- What?- I'm saying this is madness.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27THIS is Stephen.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Has he done this before?- No.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Only because he's not met anyone
0:20:32 > 0:20:34willing or stupid enough to encourage him.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Right, OK, so now we're standing, right?
0:20:37 > 0:20:38MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Oh, no.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Hello, the real Slim Shady and I'm standing up.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45No, Sarge, it's me. Aye!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47We're bang on schedule.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49We're in the map-reading class just now.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- GUNSHOT - Ah!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Oh, whit?!
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Um, that was a massive draught, sir, the maps have gone everywhere!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Listen, I'll need tae call you back.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Amazing, look at that.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07I've spilled blood in the field.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Is that plaster...big enough?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12It'll hold. It'll have to. What's next?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- The airport.- Is that next on the agenda, boys?
0:21:16 > 0:21:22Well, we are happy for you to leave if you have had a happy day,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25and of course, we'd be HAPPY to have you back
0:21:25 > 0:21:29if YOU were HAPPY to tell the Committee to...
0:21:29 > 0:21:30keep us open.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32No.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34No what?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I mean no, I'm not happy.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Not yet.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39If you get my meaning?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41No, I don't get your meaning.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43And I'm the cleverest one here! What are you saying?!
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Pow!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Meatloaf.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I'll go and get her warmed up.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51No, you will not. ..Stephen, this has gone far enough.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52I concur with Lucy.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56This violates every diktat of procedural protocol I can think of.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Right. I seriously hate to say this, right,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02but I agree with the Charlies here, right?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Meatloaf is ma tank - if I let you fire her, I could lose my job.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06You could lose your job if you DON'T.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- Stephen, what are you doing? - This is blackmail!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I thought that, too!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Right, everybody just shut up apart fae Gary. Thanks, Gary.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Right. Let's get this crystal-straight, right.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21If I let you blow up something in the tank, the barracks are safe.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Stephen cannot guarantee that.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I can. I guarantee it.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Then I will save the barracks!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Mickey...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Go warm up the Meatloaf.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Yaldi!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37OK! This is what it's all about!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Stephen, I am having no part of this.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Me neither.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44That's fine. You take Lucy and continue Sarge's agenda.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Me and Mr Mad Maxwell here
0:22:47 > 0:22:49have got unfinished business tae finish.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Pow!
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Boom!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Damn it!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06That's no bad, that's no bad. That's still good darts, right?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Maybe just two degrees to the right. ..Mickey!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Two degrees to the right!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I'll do it! I'm doing it. Two degrees to the right!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Aw, mother ae all sergeants!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- What?- Thomson!
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Right, everybody, hide!
0:23:21 > 0:23:26You have one second to tell me why the hell you are firing the tank
0:23:26 > 0:23:29when you should be on the parade ground!
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Sarge, trust me. This is really, really important.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Important?! I'll tell you what's important!
0:23:36 > 0:23:44Important was supposed to be you sooking up to that total cut-hungry arse-wipe of an MP!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Excuse me, Thomson?!
0:23:46 > 0:23:51Sergeant Thomson. And who the hell are you, dog breath?!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Um, Sarge, eh...
0:23:55 > 0:23:59this is the person that you were just that tiny bit rude about,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02the...um...cut-hungry
0:24:02 > 0:24:03arse-wipe.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Stephen Maxwell...MP.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Great place you have here.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Thank you, sir.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Please accept my apologies.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19There appears to be some deviation from the agenda.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Agenda-benda, that's what I've kind of called it.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25McLintoch, get this tank back to the hangar
0:24:25 > 0:24:27and then wait for me in my office.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Sir, I will take you back in the Jeep.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Eh, Sarge, I really don't think that's a great idea if you want to keep your job.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36What?!
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Mr Maxwell has heavily, heavily, heavily, heavily, heavily,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41heavily hinted in bold,
0:24:41 > 0:24:45that if he gets to blow something up in the tank, the barracks are safe.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Pow!
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Think aboot it, Sarge. One explosion and we're a' saved.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Like Hiroshima.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Lock and load.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Yes, sah!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01OK, Mickey?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- Has he gone?- No, he hasnae, but it's fine, cos he's really happy.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07A weird smile.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Right, weapons set!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Weapons set!
0:25:11 > 0:25:15On Mr Maxwell's command, we fire.
0:25:15 > 0:25:173, 2,
0:25:17 > 0:25:181...
0:25:18 > 0:25:20fire!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23THEY CHEER
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Take that, Sir Michael!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Good shot, Stevie!
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Mission complete!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- Are we safe?- Oh, yes.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37The threat has been terminated.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39(We're safe.)
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Hear that, Sarge?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42We're safe.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Go on. Go on. Say it.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Say it. "Thank you, Gary".
0:25:47 > 0:25:52Get this back to the hangar and get it cleaned. Now!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Tough love. I respect that.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Sarge, can I sign your cast?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Grr-rr-rr!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04What's basically happened is, right, that pretty much the whole world
0:26:04 > 0:26:08has said tae Iran, "Look. Right, even youse would have tae admit that
0:26:08 > 0:26:12"you're a raj country that cannae be trusted with nuclear weapons.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16"So just stop trying tae make them, right, or you're getting it tight."
0:26:17 > 0:26:19And we're just waiting to hear back.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Well, gentlemen, pleasure serving with you.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Yes, it certainly was very eventful.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Thank you, Private, for a very informative and enjoyable tour.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Ha-ha! Good one!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Was he doing his usual, aye? Boring your face off?
0:26:32 > 0:26:36No. Actually, I found him rather stimulating.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38You've got my e-mail.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Yep. And I'll fire over those articles on local Roman archaeology
0:26:42 > 0:26:44as soon as I've...dug them up.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Ugh...
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Great. Looking forward to it.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Lucy.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Er, sir...Sergeant, chaps...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54girl.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Er, at ease.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Er, super.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Fax, er, Sergeant.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Read.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06"The Strategic Defence and Security Review Committee
0:27:06 > 0:27:10"can confirm that the 104th Regiment will be retaining
0:27:10 > 0:27:14"full staffing levels and current barracks location.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Secured until further notice.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Yass! Done, Stevie.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20That was quick, eh?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Cannae wait to text my mum.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24No problem. Happy to...er...
0:27:24 > 0:27:28We really should get cracking, er, Lucy.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Fax received
0:27:30 > 0:27:3313:33.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Half one?!
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Er...yeah...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Pity we missed it.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42Sergeant normally checks the bee-yoom, bee-yoom, bzzz.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45But see at half one, were we no' in the store room?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49But then that's when I gave him... I gave him the rifle!
0:27:49 > 0:27:53So it's actually... It's me! I done this, eh?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Aw, but then after that, we let him...
0:27:57 > 0:27:59YOU let him.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00KNOCKING
0:28:03 > 0:28:04You can thank me later, Sarge.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08I'd better head off. Brilliant, aye. See you later. See you later.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Grr-rr!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13HE STARTS CAR
0:28:16 > 0:28:17CAR STALLS
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Can everybody not look, please!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd