0:00:02 > 0:00:04Welcome back to Army Masterchef,
0:00:04 > 0:00:06where Gary McLintoch has made something so delicious,
0:00:06 > 0:00:10- he's eaten it all already.- What?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Get away! I'm trying to have my lunch!
0:00:18 > 0:00:24This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Attennnn-shun!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Nnnnnnnnngggggggg...
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Again.
0:00:48 > 0:00:56Nnnnnnnnngggggggg....
0:00:57 > 0:01:00It's a noise like that, something like that. In the tank.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I don't know where it is but I hear it,
0:01:02 > 0:01:04it's like nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg...
0:01:04 > 0:01:08McLintoch, stop wasting my life. Listen up!
0:01:08 > 0:01:12I want Meatloaf here, checked and signed off for us shipping out
0:01:12 > 0:01:15on Sunday. Understood, Moomins?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17ALL: Sarge.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Gary, do you want to maybe take that?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Do you maybe want to think about getting a promotion
0:01:26 > 0:01:28before you start trying to order me about?
0:01:28 > 0:01:34But...seeing as I am a team player, the best team player,
0:01:34 > 0:01:35I will help out.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I cannae believe we're back to Blighty on Sunday.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42- A bit gutted, to be honest. - Gutted? I cannae wait.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Germany gives me the bratwurst boke.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- It's better than Afghan.- Barely. - Gary, it's better than Afghan.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Looked hot, in the photos. Was it?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Aye, it was pretty hot.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58It was a bit like being on a really violent holiday.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59A violent holiday?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Oh, like last year when I went to Zante with the Club 18 to 30.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04It was madness.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- And what was madness about it? - Well, I was only 17, eh?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Aw. That is madness.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Here, hold on, that cannae be right. You were 17 last year?
0:02:13 > 0:02:17That means you were born in 1970...
0:02:17 > 0:02:23- '94.- 1994? Dinnae be stupid. Nobody's born in 1994.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Aye, they are. I was, and I'm 18 years young and loving it.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Talking of loving it, the ladies out here, pretty good, ja?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Aye, is that right, shagger?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Have you been watching channel 65 again?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Aye, the wrestling?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Kinda.- Well, if you must know, I've met an amazing German...
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Shepherd!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Lady.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51An amazing German shepherd lady? She sounds woof.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Do you mean rough?
0:02:53 > 0:02:54No.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58So, Gary, would you like a tea-break?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Yes, I would, Gary. Thanks very much, Gary. As you were.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06I think we like celebrity in this country cos...
0:03:09 > 0:03:12And they're like, aw, look at them
0:03:12 > 0:03:18celebrities with their shoes and their hats and their hair and their
0:03:18 > 0:03:23hands and their teeth and folk think, aw, I wish I could have all that.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Or even maybe some of that. It's like with the Royal Wedding,
0:03:28 > 0:03:32you know, with William and Pippa and everyone was like aw, you know,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35it's just like before the divorce when Diana and Prince Andrew
0:03:35 > 0:03:38got married. I don't know what it is about Royal Weddings,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40folk get really funny about it and really excited,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42saying like, oh, I wonder how long it will last,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45and what will Harry go dressed as.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49And, you know what I mean, for the wedding, they were saying that
0:03:49 > 0:03:53it was the whole of the world's media was there. Like, that's mental, eh?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55That every media person in the world was there for that wedding?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I mean, it did look busy.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03Buffet must have been, like, massive, eh? Cost them a fortune.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08Bet they had, like, really fancy stuff, like Kettle Chips and that.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Do you ken them? They dinnae look like kettles but they call them Kettle Chips.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15"Would Gary care for some
0:04:15 > 0:04:17"mature cheese
0:04:17 > 0:04:21"with...sea water flavour?"
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Well, no.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Skips.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30They fizzle on your tongue.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39What is wrong with saying that I find the German social and economic
0:04:39 > 0:04:42recovery post 1945 interesting?
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Nothing, if you want folk to walk away from you mid sentence.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Well, actually...
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Well, actually, Anya, the wonderful lady who I have met
0:04:52 > 0:04:53and enjoy discussing...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55HE SLAMS THE CRATE DOWN
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Anya. That this ho you've been talking to?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03It's what they say, ken, like rappers and that
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Right, I think we'll just ignore P Silly the now.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- So, who's the lucky bint? - Her name's Anya.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- Do you mean Anna?- Anya. I met her at my English class.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- Your what class?- I signed up to study English as a foreign language.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19How? What do you speak? Apart from shite.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Are you kidding me? - See, it's typical.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24That's why I never said anything. It's great.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27You get to learn about the construction of the language.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Right, no, no, no, I'm sorry. In fact, I'm no sorry, right?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Charlie, I have to say, right, see over the years, Charlie, right,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I've had to endure a massive grey mountain of your dull chat, right.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Chat that has been more of a threat to my well-being
0:05:39 > 0:05:41than the Taliban ever was, right?
0:05:41 > 0:05:46But see, you saying you're going to English class to study English
0:05:46 > 0:05:49when you speak English has got to be one of the dullest things
0:05:49 > 0:05:50I have ever heard.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Right, this addiction to dullness, Charlie, has got to stop.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- Not everyone's like you, Gary. - Hence the problems in the world.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01I'm gonnae say this for your own good. You need to, ken, like,
0:06:01 > 0:06:05get some chat about you or you're gonnae die of dullness.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Go on! You need to get a bit of spontaneity about you.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Do something spontaneous.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Have you finished?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Aye. Where are you going?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Away from here. Is that spontaneous enough for you?
0:06:23 > 0:06:24I think he's annoyed.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I mean, that's what happens when you take someone boring to Germany.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29They end up loving it.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I swear, he will thank me when he's interesting.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38# When the time grew near for me to show my love
0:06:38 > 0:06:42# The longer I stayed away for
0:06:42 > 0:06:48# Hiding from a word I need to hear now
0:06:48 > 0:06:52- # Don't think I'll hear it again - Don't think I'll hear it again
0:06:52 > 0:06:57# But the nights were always warm with you
0:06:57 > 0:07:00# Holding you right by my side
0:07:00 > 0:07:02# Right by my side
0:07:02 > 0:07:06# But the morning always comes too soon
0:07:06 > 0:07:11# Before I even close my eyes
0:07:11 > 0:07:16# All I do each night is pray
0:07:16 > 0:07:21# Hoping that I'll be a part of you again some day... #
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- Nnnnnnnnngggggggg...- All right, I'll have another look.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Nnnnnnnnngggggggg...- I get it.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Good. Remember, nnnnnnngggggggggg.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Gary!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Remember to give us a shout if you find it, right?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- I need to speak to you.- Dinnae get your netballs in a twist, what is it?
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- It's about yesterday.- Right. See about yesterday,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43you know, your boringness, it's a bit like a disease,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47- you cannae help it. - No, I can. I have.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Naafi bar, five minutes.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50All right.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- What's this all about? - He wouldnae say.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02But I've no' seen him this excited since he found Wikipedia. Dick.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Maybe he's won the Lottery.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Holy shit, is that Charlie's bird?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11She's quite tidy, eh?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- Guten tag.- In English!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- Good day, to you, lads. This is... - Anya.- Do you mean Anna?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20No. Anya.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Anya, Anya, Anya, Anya!
0:08:21 > 0:08:22ANYA LAUGHS
0:08:22 > 0:08:27So, pretty cool place you guys have here, ja?
0:08:27 > 0:08:32- So, what's the news? Have you won the Lottery?- Ze Lottery?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Oh, ja, Charles has won the Lottery. Me!
0:08:36 > 0:08:37ANYA LAUGHS
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- I've maybe not technically won the Lottery.- Good.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43But the prize is much more precious than that.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Me and Anya, we're...
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I didn't realise I would feel like this.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Let the words flow.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Spit it out.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56We're...
0:08:58 > 0:08:59We're getting married.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- What?- Shut up.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- Oh, congratulations.- Ja.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Married. Tying knots, you know?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11# Here comes the bride
0:09:11 > 0:09:12# 40 inches wide
0:09:12 > 0:09:14# Squeezing through ze church door
0:09:14 > 0:09:15# To get her bum inside.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16LAUGHTER
0:09:16 > 0:09:19So obviously, we leave on Sunday, so it's this Saturday.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24- I've looked into a registrars, and it's all booked.- This Saturday?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Ja. Booked. Exciting, don't you think?
0:09:27 > 0:09:32- So, a drink to celebrate. - Ja! Let's celebrate!
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- What are we going to do about the child bride?- About Charlie?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Dinnae ken. We can either do something
0:09:43 > 0:09:46to stop him making an arse of himself and ruining his life,
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- or we can just leave it. - We cannae just leave it.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54- So...what do you think?- They're all right, just need more salt.
0:09:54 > 0:10:00- No, Anya.- Aye, aye, she's got that, erm...you ken that way
0:10:00 > 0:10:04like with some folk... you ken that, eh,
0:10:04 > 0:10:05just the way that...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Right, enough. You cannae do it. - Au contraire.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- In English.- We very much are doing this.- You don't even ken her.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- She's going to take you for a ride.- Shut up. No she's no'.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Right, I think what Jacko's trying to say is that she's just...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20a bit annoying and you don't make a good couple,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23which is weird, cos you're actually quite annoying as well.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25You just can't do it, can you?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28You can't ever bring yourselves to say anything positive
0:10:28 > 0:10:30about what I'm doing.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- I liked her hair.- I thought it was quite dry.- You're jealous.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Hardly.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Listen, I think all we're trying to say is that you shouldnae marry her.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Well, I am marrying her. And if you don't like it..
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- We don't!- You can get tae fuck!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- All right?- Shhhh.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Sorry.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- Studying?- Aye.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- English?- Yes.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- Look, I don't want to talk about Anya, I don't want to talk about the wedding.- That's fine,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- cos me and the boys have been discussing it, right...- Shhh!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Sorry.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I think you have made your point.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- We just don't want you to look like a complete arse, right?- Shhh!
0:11:26 > 0:11:27No, you shhh, you book radge.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I'm giving out, like, some Gary advice here.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Cheers for the concern.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35To think I was going to ask you to be my best man, as well.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38What? Your best man? Like, at your wedding?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Like, organising the stag do, doing the speeches and that?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46That would have been the idea, aye. I thought it would have been up your street.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Up my street? I live on that street. I own that street.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I rent properties to me on that street.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- But you don't want me to marry her.- No, no, no, no...
0:11:54 > 0:11:58- We just want you to be sure. - I am sure. It feels right.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02She's perfect. I want Anya to be my wife.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03And you want me to be your best man?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Who am I to stand in the way of such a good decision?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08So...
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Gary. Do you want to be my best man?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17I do.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21BOTH: Yaaaaaaas!
0:12:21 > 0:12:22- Shhh!- NO!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25So what's the score? Is the match called off?
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- Em...kinda.- Kinda?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I dinnae ken how to tell you this apart from telling you, but...
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I'm going to be the best man! Literally!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38You're joking.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Only at the speech!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42The speech? I cannae believe you.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46What? Well, do you know what? I cannae believe you, right?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50I mean, have you even considered that one of your closest pals, right,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52who's been with you through thick and things,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55is just looking for a bit of support on his special day.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57And it's no just me I'm talking about,
0:12:57 > 0:12:58this is important to Charlie as well.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Well, I'm telling you, this is going to end in wee boy tears.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Well, if I do get a bit emotional, that's fine.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06We're no' all made of brick.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09At, er, ease.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12McLintoch, why is it that every time I see you, you're doing nothing?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I think it's mainly bad timing on your part, Sarge,
0:13:14 > 0:13:19but on this occasion, as I was just telling the Tweedle brothers here,
0:13:19 > 0:13:20I'm going to be a best man.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24And pray tell, which friendless, hermit,
0:13:24 > 0:13:28cave dwelling leper reached out to you for their special day?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Charlie.- Private Smith? Is it his sister?
0:13:31 > 0:13:32HE LAUGHS
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Here, listen, the stag do's on Friday. You should come.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36I invite you.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Oh.
0:13:39 > 0:13:45Haven't been on a proper lads' night out since, er...Sergeant?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I fear, sir, that these babies don't know what a stag do is.
0:13:48 > 0:13:54Bangkok '92. 20 men out, 18 men and one woman back.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56That was a stag do.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57One went missing?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01No, he stayed out there. Got a job washing ping pong balls.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Why would you wash a ping pong ball?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07A valid point. Well, I'll see you for the old, er...
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Now, back to work, hens.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17See when folk talk about the Arab Spring...
0:14:19 > 0:14:22All I can think about is a cocktail.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Like, you can imagine ordering it,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27like, can I have an Arab Spring, please?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30And then, like, a really angry barman with a scarf wrapped round his face
0:14:30 > 0:14:33hands you a glass of sand. But you couldn't hand it back.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Cos that would be, like, disrespectful.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Cos that's what they're fighting for.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41They've got to fight...
0:14:41 > 0:14:45for the right
0:14:45 > 0:14:46to party.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Hurry up!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Go away. I'm not going out in this.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Oh, let us see it.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01THEY LAUGH
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Where did you get that?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I got that from a really weird, like, joke shop
0:15:05 > 0:15:07that sold rubber sausages and that
0:15:07 > 0:15:10and I said to the boy, "I want a really mental outfit for my pal."
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Rubber sausages?- Aye, you should have seen some of them,
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- they were massive. - Seriously, I cannae wear this.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20No, you're right. You cannae.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Cos it's no' finished.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31No. No, no, no.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36ALL: Awwww, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
0:15:41 > 0:15:47Hiya! Right, here we go, one Limerick sunrise wi' a twist.
0:15:47 > 0:15:52- Down it.- Down it, down it, down it, down it, down it, down it...
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Waaaaaaaay!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57THEY CHEER
0:15:57 > 0:16:03Good effort, Private. Do you mind if I speed up my intake?
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Listen up, the Captain is going to down his drink.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Go, sir. Go on, that's it! Brilliant!
0:16:09 > 0:16:14Ooooooooohhhh!
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Waaaaay!
0:16:17 > 0:16:20THEY CHEER
0:16:20 > 0:16:22It was genuinely brilliant, sir.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25I've never...never done that before.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Oh...Oh, God.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:34So, have you arranged any cultural activities, as requested?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Cultural activity? What you talking about?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40We're in an Irish bar in Germany. Look how old all this stuff is.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Right. My round. I'll get the bokes in, eh?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- Just a single for me. - Dinnae be a Charlie.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48All right. Double.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50ALL: Waaaaaaaaaaay!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Never had you down for all this kinky shit, son.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I'm not. I mean, I'm not anti-fetishistic
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- with regard to sexual practices... - Suffering arseholes, he's started.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04- Get me a triple!- Brilliant. Sarge is on the triples.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08What a brilliant night we're having, eh? I done this. Aye.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Waaaaaaaay!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16THEY LAUGH
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Marriage...best thing in the world.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25Is it? To be fair, Sarge, sometimes you do call your wife an idiot.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27She is an idiot, but she's my idiot.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31See, sometimes when I wake up in the morning
0:17:31 > 0:17:36and I look into that idiot's face, I could cry.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42No matter what I say, no matter what I do,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45that idiot will always be there for me.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49And that's what marriage is all about.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Gary...Gary Stags. Gary, Gary Stags, right.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Eh, the club is round about here right? Find it.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09What's the hold up, ma boy?
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Sake...I knew it.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Why am I bokeless?
0:18:19 > 0:18:25Sarge, we may have a kinda, eine kleinsey problem.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Red dress. That's Charlie's bird to be.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Or not to be. Fraulein Trollop!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37You trying to make an even bigger idiot of my soldier
0:18:37 > 0:18:41than he already is? Disgraceful!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44If you were a small man, I would punch you!
0:18:48 > 0:18:54- Guys, relax. He's my cousin. - Hi, I am Jan.- Do you mean Ian?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Aye. Well, he looked a bit close to be your cousin.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Sergeant...help.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Of course, sir.
0:19:02 > 0:19:08- We are close, very close. - Ja, I don't like to talk about this,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- but I saved her life. It's no big deal.- Ja, ja.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15When I was 12, I was cooking a pretzel and my house caught on fire.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Jan rushed in and saved me.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23See, Jacko, it's all fine, eh? We're back in the game.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Hiya, baby! Hi, Jan.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- I'm sitting down. - Oh, Charlie, you are such a Brit.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30He is a wee Brit, eh?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Listen, the man in the rubber sausage shop, right,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36he got us free passes for this disco, I just cannae find it.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Funky choice, Gary! I know exactly where this is.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- Come on.- Sorry, love, stag rules. No women.
0:19:44 > 0:19:50Relax. We're not in the army now, rules are there to be broken.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Tiny Thomson.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Tiny Thomson! That is something I would never call you, Sarge.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Right, come on!
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Three, two, one, go!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Yaaaaaaaaaas!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Charlie is very lucky to have you as the best man.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Aye, he is, eh?
0:21:13 > 0:21:17I'm pretty much a natural choice, eh? I'm basically his hero.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Ja? I can imagine. You have saved him before.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25Saved him? Aye, I've saved the lot of them, Jacko and Sarge, cats, money,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- I've saved the lot. - And the bond will never be broken.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Never be broken! No, no way!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Sometimes, I just think they must just admire me that much,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35but Gary cannae help it.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Gross Gary Barlow! Kebab o'clock!
0:21:40 > 0:21:46- Move your arse!- Aye. He's never off, never off.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- Right, see you tomorrow. - So long, farewell,
0:21:50 > 0:21:55- auf wiedersehen, goodbye.- Ja!
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Imagine monkeys could talk.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04I mean...they would just say funny thing after funny thing.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Then do a back flip.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I'd get on so well with monkeys. Fact.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14HE MIMICS A MONKEY
0:22:15 > 0:22:18CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:18 > 0:22:25Nnnnnnnngggggg...
0:22:27 > 0:22:31It's just this noise...in the tank. I can't work it out.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Maybe you should try and not think about it so much.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Often solutions come then, ja?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Aye....aye. Nnnnnnnnnggggggggg...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Gary, can you stop doing that?
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Jacko, Jacko, tune.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53# My life is brilliant
0:22:53 > 0:22:55# My love is pure... #
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- Ah, James...- Blunt.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02This is it.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10You are beautiful.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Barry, hen.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Charlie. Mein schatz.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- That doesn't sound very nice. - It means my treasure.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- What is it?- You have such a beautiful spirit.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28But I have to set your spirit free.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I'll give you a moment.
0:23:34 > 0:23:42- What do you mean, free?- It was Gary. Gary made me realise.- Realise what?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45About Jan and our bond. How close we'd grown.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I hadn't seen it, but Gary...
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Could you maybe stop saying Gary so much?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55But Gary, you were right. It's a bond for life.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- I couldn't live without him. - What's going on here?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- What exactly are you saying? - I must be with Jan.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- Anya!- Be with Jan? But he's your cousin.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07In spirit, it feels right.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- Gosh.- Filth!
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Told you.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Awwww!
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Hi, guys. It's no big deal, but our aunties are outside.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Are we good to go?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Aunties? What's he talking about?
0:24:22 > 0:24:27My sweet, sweet Charlie Sheen, I was hoping, with your generous spirit,
0:24:27 > 0:24:30you would let Jan and I get married at the time we booked.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Oh, and Gary, maybe you could be our witness?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- No. Course not.- This cannae...
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Oh, Charlie Sheen.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Right, just get away from him, right.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Imagine marrying your own cousin, that's isn't right.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I don't know why it isn't right, but folk have been saying it's no right,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48so I'm saying it as well. Right, off you go.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52So, are we ready?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55No, no, we're going to leave it, hen, that's fine, aye, Barry.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Good effort and that, right.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Soldier, get your jilted arse out of that aisle.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Come on, up you get. That's it.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Rupert Murdoch!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Robert Murdoch!
0:25:08 > 0:25:09James Murdoch!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Rebekah Brooks!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Piers Morgan!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Worse than me!
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Congratulations!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37You're best rid. Trust me, a bird that could marry her cousin
0:25:37 > 0:25:40is a bird that can cut your balls off in your sleep.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Fact.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Cheers, mate.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Right, all right, right, settle down, settle down, settle down, right.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I ken what some of you were thinking, you were thinking,
0:25:54 > 0:25:58oh, no, Gary won't be doing his speech, cos Charlie's ruined it,
0:25:58 > 0:26:02but it's all right, cos I've got a speech and I'm gonnae be doing it.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07So, when Charlie asked me to be his best man, I said aye,
0:26:07 > 0:26:10which is more than his fiancee said earlier today, eh?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Brilliant, brilliant.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15But seriously, I ken that for a best man's speech,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I'm meant to stand up here
0:26:17 > 0:26:20and tell embarrassing stories about the groom.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24But after today, I dinnae need to.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I mean, how embarrassing was that?!
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Very.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30But by this point in the day, you know, the father of the bride
0:26:30 > 0:26:34might of welcomed Charlie to his radge family,
0:26:34 > 0:26:39imagine that, but I think maybe it's just good if I say, Charlie...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42you are our annoying wee brother
0:26:42 > 0:26:46and we'd like to welcome you back to our family.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51So, I propose a toast and it's to, of course, me,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Gary, the best man, and annoying Charlie.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58ALL: Gary the best man and annoying Charlie.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Brilliant.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02All right, so, now it's time for the first dance. Right, get the tunes up.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I dinnae sprachen the Dutch and that, right, brilliant.
0:27:05 > 0:27:11Aye, great. So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Muppets and monkeys,
0:27:11 > 0:27:16welcome to the dance floor, it's the jilted groom, it's Charlie.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22# Come a little bit closer baby
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# Get it on, get it on
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# Cos tonight is the night
0:27:27 > 0:27:31- ALL:- # When two become one
0:27:31 > 0:27:35# I need some love like I never needed love before
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# Want to make love to you, baby
0:27:38 > 0:27:42# I had a little love and now I'm back for more
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# Want to make love to you, baby
0:27:45 > 0:27:48# Set your spirit free
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# It's the only way to be... #
0:27:51 > 0:27:57Nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg...
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Can you stop making that noise?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01What noise?
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg...
0:28:07 > 0:28:11It's me. I'm the noise.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Problem solved.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Well done, Gary!
0:28:18 > 0:28:23Oh, Charlie, what's German for goodbye?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Auf weidersehen.
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Cheers.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36See yaaaaaaa!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd