0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour
0:00:19 > 0:00:21HE GROANS
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Atten-shun!
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Hullo, Julie, it isnae Justin Bieber, it's me, Gary, where are you?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I told you not to be late and you're late.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I'm no waiting. Well, I am waiting, but I'm no waiting.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Where are you, seriously?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I'm seriously annoyed.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Oh, I see you, brilliant. Right, that's great. OK, then. Right, hurry up, hurry up.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Gary, Gary, I'm so actually, actually, actually, actually sorry, honestly.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17I thought I had a watch on, but I didnae. I thought I'd see enough clocks to know what time it was,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19but I've no seen a clock for ages.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- I've been ringing your phone. - Have you? Aw, naw.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I had it on silent to save the battery. I'm sorry.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27What? 21 missed calls. Ooh, somebody's popular.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30No, they're no. Come on.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33The Hallowe'en party's tonight and I've no got an outfit.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34But, Gary, you're lucky.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Cos even if they run out, you can still go as a soldier.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Julie, I am a soldier. I don't want to go to a Hallowe'en party
0:01:41 > 0:01:43dressed as a soldier, that's not even scary.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Aw, right. Here, what about a zombie soldier?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49SHE GROANS
0:01:49 > 0:01:51SHE LAUGHS
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Oh, my actual, actual disrespectful, God, I'm sorry.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57I'm sorry, Gary, that was bad.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Bad. Bad, Julie.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01What's that?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05THAT is the new dooking trophy for tonight, eh?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Last year's trophy was a disgrace. I had to hand it back.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10It's nice, eh? Shiny.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Look, the Gary Smiths.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15That's us. I should have got it engraved with that for tonight, eh?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Cos I think we all ken what's going to happen.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Gary, you're so...
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Amazing? Thanks, Julie. Here we go.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30I've got perfect 30/30 vision,
0:02:30 > 0:02:36so if anyone's going to see them, it's me. I mean...
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Right. Where do they even live, apart from haunted hooses, right.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Cos there's not that many haunted hooses, right?
0:02:42 > 0:02:46And why do they leave cupboard doors open?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48You know, like, if they can open cupboards,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50then, can they pick up sandwiches?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Can they steal cars? Can they drive?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Can they have showers, are they always white?
0:02:54 > 0:02:58I mean, these are the answers that nae-one can answer.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00It's no good enough. Is God a ghost?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Well, no, he's not, cos he built the Earth, supposedly,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06so he had to pick up bricks and that but then, nae-one's ever seen him,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09so he is a bit like a ghost, but then, he had a son,
0:03:09 > 0:03:14Jesus. But his dad's a ghost. What?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16And then, there was actually that Holy Ghost called Pal.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Was it his brother or uncle?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20So are they just all ghosts apart frae Jesus?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22But then, he rose again, like a zombie.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25So is Jesus real, is he a ghost, is he a zombie?
0:03:25 > 0:03:26HE SIGHS
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I mean, religion is that complex, eh?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Nae wonder so many wars are caused cos of that.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36He's a ghost. No, he's not. He's a ghost. No, he's not. He's a ghost. No, he's not.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37HE SIGHS
0:03:37 > 0:03:39All I know, ghosts are scary.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41JULIE CHUCKLES
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- What?- I just get proper excitement bubbles in my blood.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I actually heart love the Hallowe'en party at the barracks.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Aye, but it's all right for you, you've got your outfit.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Oh, that isnae right.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Don't worry, Gary, you'll get something and you'll look fab.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Right enough, Julie, I always do.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Remember last year when I was dressed as rubbish. I still looked amazing.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Oh, hello, can I be of assistance?
0:04:06 > 0:04:10I'd certainly like to think that you might be able to probably...
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Dae I ken you?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Oh, here, I don't know. Do you?
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Is this your shop?
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Naw. I work here, but it's no my shop.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I used to work at another shop.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24That wasnae mine either.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25It is you, right.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Listen, I am looking for a Peter Andre outfit in a medium...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31large. Thank you.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Peter Andre?
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Aye, he really scares me.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Me too. I think it's the way he looks.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Naw, Andre's all sold oot.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43Aw, what? Nightmare. Radge insania. I knew this was gonnae happen.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Right. What else have you got?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Just this.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Who's that?
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Have you heard of a programme called But Man?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Batman?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Aye, the green guy... The one that does the riddles.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Oh, aye, I remember him.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Remember, he used to say, "Riddle me this," and then, he'd dae a riddle.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I could dae it at the party, dae riddles, folk have to guess. It'd be brilliant.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Gary, Gary, try a riddle right now. Go on, say it.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Em... Aye, OK, all right, right.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Riddle me this, what am I?
0:05:18 > 0:05:19I'm black and white.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I moo, I eat grass,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24my name's Daisy,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26what am I?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29No. Gary, give us a clue.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31A cow.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33A black and white cow called Daisy.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Touche.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Oh, actually, one thing, right.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Will this be comfortable for dooking?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Cos I'm a bit of a dooker. - Oh, aye.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44You could dook in that wee number till Daisy comes home.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Aye?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Mooo-arvellous.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50SHE LAUGHS
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I'll take it.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53SHE LAUGHS
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Riddle me this, who am I?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58I live in Africa,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I have black and white stripes,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I look a bit like an interesting horse.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Right, hang on... Nah. I'm nae good at riddles, Gary.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Is it a cow again?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Naw. Close.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Eh... OM Gypsy Anne Marie!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Julie, you really aren't good at riddles, are you?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- It was a zebra.- No! It's Gypsy Anne Marie.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24She's an actual fortune-telling legend.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28This is a sign, Gary, her being there, me being here.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29She must have known.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Julie, you dae ken all that stuff is proper jumbo mumbo?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Oh, my big fat gypsy wedding, she just looked out the windae!
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Come on!- Julie, I've got to get back to the barracks.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Fanshaw's got his family visiting, I cannae dae this.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Oh, please, Gary. Please. Please, please, please, please, please, please.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46All right. Just stop.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50I suppose it was a bit creepy the way she looked out the window.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Booooooooo.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- That scared me. Come on!- Right.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16MUSIC: "Thriller" by Michael Jackson
0:07:42 > 0:07:46A wise choice, young Julie. The tea leaves never lie.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Do they not?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49That's good.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Let's see what they have to say.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"I'm roasting."
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Sorry.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59What? "I'm roasting." That's funny. You cannae say that's not funny.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Hiya!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Oh, my God, is it bad news?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Am I going to get eaten by a shark?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- I knew it.- No, Julie.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20These leaves speak.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- But not for you.- Oh...
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Oh, for me? Oh, brilliant.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27What they saying?
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Well, if it's about the dooking,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30like us winning it tonight, just save your tea.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Cos I predicted that this morning.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34There are no apples in this cup.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Clearly.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39You must cross my palm with silver to learn your fate.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40I've no got any silver.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42She means a fiver.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45You've already paid her. Tea leaf.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Ah...
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Oh! For the love of...!
0:09:02 > 0:09:03SHE GASPS
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Good news?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07The three omens of doom!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Boooooooo!
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Gary, don't do that!
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Oh, my actual scary fortune-telling God. The omens of doom. What are they?
0:09:14 > 0:09:18The first, the swooping figure of a winged beast.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21A winged beast? Aw, no, Gary.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24An eagle's gonnae swoop doon and pick you up and take you to hell.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Naw, it's no. It's really no.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30But wait, the leaves turn blood red.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Ah, the second omen.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35The devil's little helpers.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40- Oh, that's good, I could do with a hand wi' the shopping.- He mocks, but he does not understand.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43The third omen...
0:09:43 > 0:09:47The charred remains of a lifeless figure.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Oh, like a burnt chicken wing.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55This, the third omen, will seal your fate.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Right, what's she on about? Seal the fate? Honestly.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Ah! Shhh!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05This can mean only one thing.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08The grim reaper himself - death.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11THUNDER
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Death?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Right, Gary, listen. Death can mean loads of things, right,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18like a new start, or a change or...
0:10:18 > 0:10:19No.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20It means death.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24The leaves have spoken.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Your fate is sealed!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Er, Gypsy Anne Marie, what about me? Am I OK?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Aye, you're fine. But he's not!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35By the power of the leaves be off!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Whatevs!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Gary, Gary!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Gary, I'm scared for you. You're in such big trouble.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Just calm down, Julie, it's a load of old...
0:10:56 > 0:10:57No...
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Like the world's biggest no times, no!
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Oh, my actual I-wished-she-was-wrong God, the first omen?
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Gary, the swooping winged beast. It just pooped on you.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Actually, Julie, that's a sign of good luck.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Is it?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Aye.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Ragin'! Come on.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31All right?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Aye, all right.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I got the trophy for tonight.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Just as well we're keepin' it here, eh?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- The Gary Smiths, is that us? - Aye.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45You're coming into a successful dookin' team, so you better do well.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47We're gonnae win this tonight, I know it.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51We'd better or we'll end up embarrassing ourselves like pink ladies.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52D'you get it?
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Got your outfit?
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Eh? Aye, aye, I did.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Here, I can give you a clue as to what I'm going as?
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Riddle me this...
0:12:03 > 0:12:05The Riddler. Batman.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Every time.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Right, Mickey, my boy, practice makes perfect.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12No pressure.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19Three, two, one, dook.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23HE GAGS
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Swallowed too much water.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Try and avoid doing that, then.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Ya, fanny.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Gaz, show him how it's done.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Here, Gaz.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Ah! What you daein?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I'm chucking you an apple. What is up with you?
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Nothing.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44- Are you sure? - Lads, can I ask you something?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Do youse believe in gypsies?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Well, I believe in them cos they exist.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51How?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Me and Julie went to see like a fortune-teller gypsy, right, earlier.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58She talked to me about this winged beast, right,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01and then, I left her wee hut and I got shat on by a bird.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03THEY LAUGH
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I bird shat on you, that's a belter!
0:13:06 > 0:13:07THEY LAUGH
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I suppose it is quite funny in a kind of,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"Oh, this isnae funny, I'm raging," type way.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15But then, she said some other stuff as well.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Gary, there is literally no empirical evidence
0:13:18 > 0:13:20to support the claims of fortune tellers.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Aye, but she started going on about these, like, omens of doom, right?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27And that's the first omen, the winged beast.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30The next omen is the devil's little helpers.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- Shit!- What?!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- The time! - It's almost two.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Fanshaw!
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Oh, right, aye, I'll catch youse up.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43At all times I expect you to be a credit to her Majesty's...
0:13:43 > 0:13:45McLintoch, what time do you call this?
0:13:45 > 0:13:4714:00 hours, please, Sarge, yes, thank you.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Oh, do you need that fixed?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Any more of that and you'll be needing fixed.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54OK, the Captain and his guests will be here shortly.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56He has a meeting so, for the next hour,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59you will be keeping his guests entertained.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04Sarge, maybe I could do some riddles like, "Riddle me this, who am I?"
0:14:04 > 0:14:06An incompetent dunderhead.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Er... Chaps, my...nieces.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Bit excitable.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Too much Hallowe'en candy.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Sergeant?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Yes, sir.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I believe this is Regan, Carrie and Wednesday.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Say hello, girls.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35OK, so ...
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Girls, see you in er... an hour, er...
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Er... Good luck, chaps.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Freaky wee lassies, eh?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Devil's little helpers.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- It's the second omen. - I'm worried about you.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58So am I.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Managed to get some pig's blood from the butcher's
0:15:05 > 0:15:07for my face for tonight.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09What?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13For my Rambo outfit. Covered in blood.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I'm gonnae look the business.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Here, all the blood in the water when we're dookin'.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Brilliant.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Aye, aye.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Right.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28You are no really gettin' freaked out by some gypsy and those wee lassies?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Naw. Course no.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I was just thinkin' about the dookin' tonight, you know, like,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35lifting the trophy, "And the winners of dookin'
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- "for the second year in a row are..." - The Gary Smiths!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40The Gary Smiths! And the crowd go mental.
0:15:40 > 0:15:4350,000 of them. Gary!
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Hiya.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Can we go on the assault course?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53No. Cos you never said please.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Can we go on the assault course, please?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59No. Cos you never said please the first time.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Now, you go and just play with the girls.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05You'll regret that.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09HE CHUCKLES
0:16:09 > 0:16:12She is a freaky wee lassie.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13I'm scared of her.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Are you?
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Shit!
0:16:15 > 0:16:20That's your fault! Haw, Muppets! Come on!
0:16:22 > 0:16:27MUSIC: "Cognoscenti vs Intelligentsia" by the Cuban Boys
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Jacko!
0:16:47 > 0:16:48HE ECHOES: Jacko...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Charlie! Charlie...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Mickey! Mickey...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Girls?
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Regan?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Carrie?
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Wednesday?
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Thursday?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER
0:17:28 > 0:17:30BRANCH CREAKS
0:17:30 > 0:17:31LAUGHTER
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Oh, my Gary!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Come here, girls!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I've got sweeties!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Naw, that doesnae sound right.
0:17:53 > 0:18:00So, on the barracks, girls, I'm quite famous for my difficult riddles.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Who's up for trying one?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04LAUGHTER
0:18:06 > 0:18:10All right. Riddle me this.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Who am I?
0:18:11 > 0:18:16I'm big and I'm strong and I'm no scared.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22And I'm a Corporal, and it starts with G and ends in Y,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24and there's an AR in the middle.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Go on, Gary. Go on, Gary, solve it. I'll solve it!
0:18:28 > 0:18:29I'm Gary!
0:18:29 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER
0:18:40 > 0:18:46Sto-o-o-o-o-o-o-op!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Gary?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02It's the charred remains of a burnt tree.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04It's the third omen.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08My fate is sealed.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Are you coming or are you freakin' out?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Do I look like I'm freakin' out?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Naw(!)
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Good!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Let's go, then.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20All right, girls, let's go.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37There youse are. You takin' them to Fanshaw?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39No. You are.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41We had a vote, and the girls voted you their favourite.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43And where are youse going?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Let's just say we're off to see a woman about the gypsy she is.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Shall I dae one?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Right, right, all right.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Em...
0:19:56 > 0:20:01I've been left home alone.
0:20:01 > 0:20:07I'm an American wee laddie with two second names.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11My surname rhymes with sulking.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Where is she? Where is she?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Where is she?!- I dinnae see her, what does she look like?
0:20:32 > 0:20:33She looks like a gypsy.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Aw, this is brilliant, I'm gonnae die and never even patted a monkey.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Gary, you've been a victim of a seagull's defecation,
0:20:40 > 0:20:44you've been unsettled by some young girls and you've seen a tree. This doesn't mean you're gonnae die.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47And when did you become the expert, eh? Where's your mug of tea?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Naw, I need to find her.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Mate, mate, mate,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54mate, mate, mate, mate, have you been here all day?
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Aye, since 12.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59See these bloody teenagers, the mess they're making.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Any chance you boys can come down here and shoot them?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Maybe tomorrow. Listen, I'm lookin' for a gypsy, right.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08There was a gypsy caravan parked here all day, right. Did you see it?
0:21:08 > 0:21:12No. Gypsy caravan? No here, son.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15No today. I think you should stay off the glue.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Aw, this is brilliant.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I've lost my mind and I cannae find it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I think we just need to get you back to the barracks. Sharpish.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28If he's lost his mind, can I drive?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I havnae been made to feel very welcome.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Eh...
0:21:37 > 0:21:40The food was pretty average.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42It did get off to a bit of a shaky start, but, as times went on,
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I've realised that there's a lot of potential.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46It's shit.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Look at the place. It's in a bit of a...a bit of a state, eh?
0:21:50 > 0:21:51It's really shit.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I really enjoyed the desert.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- Charlie...- What?!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59If it wasnae for the weather, I'd have actually marked it a lot lower.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Sorry, Afghanistan, I'm gonnae have to give you a six.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Afghanistan, I'm giving you an 8.5.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07It's shite.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Gary!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Gary, oh, my actual death-defying God, you're here.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Aye, of course, Julie. As if I was gonnae miss this, eh?
0:22:33 > 0:22:37But Gary, are you no worried about the things the gypsy said about you dying
0:22:37 > 0:22:42- and how it's definitely gonnae happen?- No. Not once have I been, like, worried oot my mind.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44That's a relief you're no worried about death, Gary.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Cos most people would be worried about death, you know, it being pure...
0:22:47 > 0:22:50SHE GAGS
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Julie, will you stop doing that? Nothing is gonnae happen to Gary,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56apart from helping to win the dookin' tonight by a country dook.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57I think you're really brave.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Thanks, Julie.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Right...let's do this.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Let's dook.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09ALL: Dook, dook, dook!
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Time!
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Thank you, team Big Cox's Pippins.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Next up, The Gary Smiths.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Right. Come on, lads.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21This is gonnae be a piece of apple.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Just stay focused. Mickey, one apple at a time.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Charlie, go for the smaller apples.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Gary, just play your natural game.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Positions.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Ready...
0:23:45 > 0:23:46..steady...
0:23:55 > 0:23:58..dook!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00CHEERING
0:24:00 > 0:24:03ALL: Dook, dook, dook!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Ah, look, they're really going for it. Dook 'em!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Right, lads, move it. That's it, Millar.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Kill, kill with your teeth!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12McLintoch, what the hell are you doing?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14He's tryin' to eat them.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Snap, snap!
0:24:15 > 0:24:16SHE SCREAMS
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Oh, sorry, I'm just really scared of sharks.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Don't worry, my er...bark is much worse than my er, er... Sergeant?
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Quite, sir.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Time!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Gary, time!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31McLintoch, on your feet, soldier.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32- He's not moving!- Sarge.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Get his massive head out of that bucket. Now!
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Oh, no! No! Oh, my God, she said. She said!
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Oh, my, actually, he's with God, God, Gypsy Anne Marie was right.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Gary!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49He's no breathing.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Er, er...Sergeant?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53McLintoch, snap out of this!
0:24:53 > 0:24:54He needs CPR!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Shut it, Nurse Ratchett.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Do not die on me, you dookin' idiot!
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Not...this...way!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18HE GASPS
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Dookin'!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Honestly, there was this bright light,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27and this voice started to speak to me.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28What did it say?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31It said, "Gary,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34"stay away from the light."
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- God's frae Dalgety Bay?- Aye.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40God's frae Dalgety Bay. How weird's that, eh?
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- So what happened wi' the dookin'? - I think you going to heaven's somewhat reduced our chances.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Aye, well, sorry for dyin' and risin' again.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49You dooked one apple which is good, considering.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Thanks, Julie.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Chaps, recommend the er...gypsy girl, bit of a hoot.
0:25:55 > 0:26:00Said something nice is going to happen in the, er...
0:26:01 > 0:26:03So the gypsy is actually here.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Gary?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19'Member me?
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Should I?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Aye, me. Gary, I seen you in town.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26'Member the three omens of doom, ken?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Like, the winged beast and the devil's little helpers...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31The charred remains of a lifeless figure?
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Aye!
0:26:32 > 0:26:33I remember.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Your stupid sarky remarks were gettin' right on my leaves,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38so I thought I'd wind you up a bit.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Wind me up? I almost wound up deid.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Aye, but you never.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47Look, I just need to ken nothing else is going to happen.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Of course. Silver...
0:26:51 > 0:26:53All right.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57The leaves say that you will live a long and prosperous life.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59And everything you do will have luck.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Nae more death?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Not for a while. A long while.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Brilliant. I knew it.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I'm gonnae live to be the oldest man in the world.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Good for you.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Aye! And live long yourself and...prosper.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18See ya.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Gary, did she say a nice?
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Aye, Julie, she said a nice.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Listen up!
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Here we go.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Er, yeah. Er...so, the dooking.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Er...now, in third...eh, Sergeant?
0:27:36 > 0:27:41In third place, with 32 apples, it's Gordons Delicious.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:47In second place, with 34 apples, it's Ray Burns Braeburns.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49APPLAUSE
0:27:49 > 0:27:55And in first place, it's Gary Smiths with 35 apples.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57ALL: Ya-a-a-a-a-a-a-as!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:02ALL: Whoa! Whoa!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- Close, though, just one in it. - Aye, just one.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Just my... It was... I got, it was was my one!
0:28:09 > 0:28:10It's me... I won it!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Speech, speech, speech, speech!
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Speech, speech, speech!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Ah, thank you.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Erm, thanks very much er...
0:28:19 > 0:28:22I just want to say...
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Thank you, Gary.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Oh, you're welcome, Gary. It's yours, Gary.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31The Gary Smiths!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34ALL: Ye-e-e-e-e-e-es!
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd