0:00:06 > 0:00:08Babe! Where are you?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10- You just walked off!- I know.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13There was this woman next to me in a veil, fiddling with her shoe
0:00:13 > 0:00:15and I thought, "Oh, my God, terrorist!"
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Oh, right. So you were gonna just leave me here to get bombed.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21I know. And I do feel bad. But I WAS gonna text you.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22Oh, well that's all right then...
0:00:22 > 0:00:25- Look, where are you? - By Nothing To Declare.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Have we got anything to declare?
0:00:27 > 0:00:30I don't think so... Are you sure you don't want to get Nessa any fags?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32No. She's given up.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- What? Since when?! - Oh, I dunno. Anyway...
0:00:35 > 0:00:39I got her a Greek flag for her collection, that's what she wanted.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40- Come on, I'm excited!- Why?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I just love walking through and all the people looking.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I pretend like I'm really famous. HE LAUGHS
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- What you doing? - Oh, come on, join in!
0:01:15 > 0:01:20- Lift it up! They won't see it! - Why can't you just hold it?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- I feel like a right pillock. - Oh, that's lovely, that is.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Your son and his wife have been away for over three weeks.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31- 22 days...- I am not going over this again, Michael... Mick!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Mick! Michael! Will you look at me?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Everybody's staring at us.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Yes! And you know why?
0:01:37 > 0:01:43Because they're thinkin', "Look at that lanky mardy-arse who can't even be bothered to hold up a banner,
0:01:43 > 0:01:48"a BEAUTIFUL banner, that his wife spent three hours preparing last night!"
0:01:48 > 0:01:50It only took three hours cos you couldn't spell Stacey!
0:01:50 > 0:01:55- I KNOW how to spell it. I just got confused.- What?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Because of the big pen.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Oh, here they are!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Gavin! Gav!
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- Gav, oh, come here, my little prince!- All right, Mum?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Hiya, Stacey.- Hiya!- Welcome home!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13All right, Dad? Nice banner.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Oh, do me a flavour.
0:02:15 > 0:02:21- So, good time?- The best!- Yeah, fantastic.- How was the hotel?
0:02:21 > 0:02:25- Was the hotel nice?- Oh, lush. Stunning!- Yeah, really nice. - And was the pool nice?
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- There were four!- One with a bar! - Was the food nice? - What about the food?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- It was OK.- It was really nice, but a lot of fish.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Really? We had mackerel last night, didn't we?- Yeah, we did.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- And I had a tuna sandwich for lunch. - Weird!- And what about the staff?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- Were the staff nice? - Yeah, the staff make a hotel.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45- Yeah, they were OK. - Tell you what, Stacey, when we were in Corfu, oh, those little shits...
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Have I told you this already? - No, go on.- Yeah.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52Well, we asked them to change the bedding every day, which personally I don't think is a big ask.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57- I mean we're talking four-star hotel.- It was five AA diamonds. - Yeah.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Well, one night me and Mick got into bed and I said to Mick,
0:03:00 > 0:03:05"There is no way these sheets are fresh," and I've rung down to reception.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I just didn't believe him, so I've decided to lay traps.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13So I've put two wine gums INSIDE the pillow case, Mick's side,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15come back this one afternoon...
0:03:15 > 0:03:21Mick's been snorkelling, I've had a hot stone massage and I've looked at the bed and I knew straight away,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- cos you know when you know, don't you?- Yeah.- So Mick's reached in,
0:03:24 > 0:03:30and he's pulled out the very same wine gums that I had placed there not three hours earlier.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31I hit the roof, didn't I, Mick?
0:03:31 > 0:03:36- I'll say.- So I've got him by the throat, this Stelios Cycliades,
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- and I'm saying, "Look me in the eye and tell me that those sheets..." - MOBILE RINGS
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Hang on a minute, it's Bryn. Hello?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Come in, London. Can you hear me?
0:03:45 > 0:03:50- Hiya! We're back!- Whereabouts are you?- We've just got onto the M25.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54And according to the nav, we're an hour and ten minutes away.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Hello, Mrs Shipman!- Hiya, Gwen!
0:03:57 > 0:04:02- Oh, no, Pam, I meant Stacey. - Oh, sorry! I thought you meant me! - So did I! Hiya, Mum!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Hiya, Stace! Hiya, Gav!
0:04:04 > 0:04:09- Hiya, Gwen. All right, Bryn? - Welcome home, young man! Do you have a tan,
0:04:09 > 0:04:14- are you bronzed?- A little bit, yeah. - Oh, I can't wait to see it!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Hiya, Ness!
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Nessa's not here, luv!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Where is she? Have you spoken to her? Is she OK?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Yes, but there wasn't room for all your stuff...
0:04:22 > 0:04:26..in the Picasso, so she's following on. I'll try her on the radio.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Nessa? Come in, Nessa, do you read me?
0:04:34 > 0:04:351-9 Rubber Duck.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40Ho, Bryn... I'm not gonna tell you again, you can't call me "Nessa" on the airwaves.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- You got to use my handle. - What is that?- My code name.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Robert Mugabe.- I'm sorry, Robert.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- I keep forgetting, what's my name? - Bryn.- No, my handle.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I know we're in the car, but we did say...
0:04:50 > 0:04:57- Dame Judi Dench.- That's it! Dame Judi Dench. Now, I'm on the line to our London contingent
0:04:57 > 0:05:02and I've given them an ETA of ten past five. Is that do-able for you?
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Well, I got my foot down, Jude. I can do no more. 10-4.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09MUSIC: "Before I Fall To Pieces" by Razorlight
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Well, here we are! Home sweet home!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Ah, let's have a look at you in the daylight...
0:05:31 > 0:05:36- Oh, you have gone a nice colour... haven't they, Mick?- Yeah, it suits you.- I am jealous.
0:05:36 > 0:05:42- When are you takin' me away? Sardinia, I fancy.- Give us a chance. I'm still paying off the wedding!
0:05:42 > 0:05:43It was a lovely day, wasn't it, Gav?
0:05:43 > 0:05:48- Yeah.- It was lush.- But you know your Auntie Christine still hasn't spoken to your cousin John
0:05:48 > 0:05:50after all that business with the dessert?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- Really?!- It was just a joke.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55There's a joke, then there's smearing somebody's face in cake
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- till they nearly choke to death. - She didn't choke!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00The woman's diabetic, Gav, she was terrified.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02He did look vicious as he did it.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- He gets like that, John.- But nothin' else happened with Smithy or...?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- Oh, he was absolutely... wasn't he, Mick?- Poleaxed. Blotto.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Him, Dirtbox, and Chinese Alan.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Fell asleep in the lift. Up and down they was going for an hour.
0:06:14 > 0:06:20- And they all had rooms. What a waste of money!- Right. I'm putting the kettle on. Who's for a cuppa?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21- I'll have a coffee.- Yeah.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24But he's all right though, Smithy, is he?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26You know what he's like. Always a drama.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Why, what's happened? - Nothing serious.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- He's been pining for HIM!- What?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- But nothing...y'know...big? - No, I don't think so.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- Oi! Where d'you think you're going? - What?- Come here.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I mean, it IS weird...
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- gettin' used to being Stacey Shipman. - Yes...
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I remember being very disappointed the day I lost my maiden name.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- What was it?- Griggell-Eschefska.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Pamela Andrea Griggell-Eschefska.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Which, you know, always felt quite glamorous.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10And then in the space of one day, to go from that to Shipman...
0:07:10 > 0:07:12You know, Ship Man.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16I felt quite flat if I'm honest with you, the day after we got married.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Felt like I'd lost my identity.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21You know, like Anne Frank. After they found her.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- Your cases are in your room. - Cheers, Dad.- While I remember, sort your washing out ASAP.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I've got a white wash ready to go on tonight cos your dad's run out of pants.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- You've had to go commando today, right, Mick?- What?- You've no drawers on.- Mum!
0:07:33 > 0:07:37She's right. I'm flappin' around like an elephant's trunk down here.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Dad!- Elephant's trunk? I should be so lucky!
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Yeah, yeah.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- CAR HORN - Oh, here they are.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00- Hello, Gwen! - Galimera! Ooh, continental!
0:08:00 > 0:08:05- Hello, Bryn!- Galimera! Oh, yes. That's Greek for good morning. I learnt it!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08# Ta-ra-TA-ta-ta-ra-TA-ta... #
0:08:08 > 0:08:15- Hiya!- Oh, Gavin! Galimera! And look what I've had done!
0:08:17 > 0:08:22"My niece went to Greece and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"!
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- But she DIDN'T get it for you. - Yeah, we got you a bottle of Cinzano.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I know! I got it printed for a joke!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Where d'you get it done?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Online! I did it five weeks ago.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- For a joke!- Before the wedding? Before they got married?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Yes! For a joke!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- TRUCK HORN - That'll be Nessa.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43HISS OF BRAKES
0:08:48 > 0:08:49ALL: Hiya, Ness!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- All right?- You made good time then?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Yeah. The road's been kind to me, I won't lie to you.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59She can be a cruel mistress, the M25, but today I've been lucky.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04All right, Bryn? Pam? Gav? Mick?
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- Gwen? Stace?- Don't you need a special licence to drive one of them?
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Not for the seven and a half ton, you don't. But I've driven them bigger than that, Mick.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16I drove the sets for The Who on their world tours. Great days.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Till I found out things about Pete Townshend I didn't like.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22And all I'll say is... and I said it to his face...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Where is the book?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- Right...cup of tea. - ALL: Yeah! Cup of tea!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- How did the T-shirt go down, Bryn? - Mixed reviews.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Yeah, it was March '89 I quit.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- That's when I went Stobarts.- Eh?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- Eddie Stobarts.- Really?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Yeah. I was with Eddie and the boys for 18 months, all told.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49You had a little soft spot for him, didn't you?
0:09:49 > 0:09:54I did, Bryn, I'm not gonna lie to you. But I wasn't his type, apparently.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Since when has a great rack and an open mind not been a man's type?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Is he still alive, Eddie Stobart?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03I think so. He's a deeply religious man. Very generous.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Gave you two trucks, didn't he?
0:10:05 > 0:10:11He did. And I regret selling them now Bryn, to be honest, but they were a bugger to park around Barry.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- Everyone all right with a Chinese takeaway?- Yes.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- You don't want to be cooking. - It's just easier, innit?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- DOORBELL - We could go out.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23- Yeah! Can we go to that Italian? - Capriccio's?- Yeah, let's go to Capriccio's!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Hey! Smithster!
0:10:32 > 0:10:38- Smith?- Hello, Smithy, darling. - Hello, everyone.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- Hello, Smithy.- All right, Bryn?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46What's going on?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51What's going on?!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55What's going on?!
0:10:55 > 0:11:00I've been asking myself the same question over and over again in my head.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04First thing in the morning, last thing at night. What IS going on, Gavin?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- What?- I've been ringing you every day for three weeks. Your phone's been off!
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Is that all?!
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- You haven't told him, have you? - I was on my honeymoon!
0:11:13 > 0:11:18Right. Can we all stop calling it a honeymoon, right? It's just a holiday!
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Yeah, but it wasn't just a holiday. It was the best time of my life.
0:11:22 > 0:11:27When I went to Malaga with Lucy and her nanna, I called you every day, sometimes twice.
0:11:27 > 0:11:32- Sometimes thrice!- Back off, Mick. - You were only ringing for the West Ham scores!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34That was an excuse, you fool!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38I was getting the updates on my mobile. I was ringing you cos...
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I was ringing you cos I missed you.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- Smithy!- I missed you these last three weeks an' all.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47It's been horrible. I ain't been myself, I've been off my food.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52- He's been round here every day. - No-one's been out. They're all shacked up with their birds.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- What about Lucy?- She's been grounded for two weeks.- Why?
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- Her dad found ten B&H in her bag. - Went ape-shit. I'm gonna go. I just wanted to check you're all right.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- Smithy!- He DID miss you, Smithy!
0:12:06 > 0:12:07He did.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11He talked about you every day.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Give him the present.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- What, now? - BOTH: Yes.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32It's the one we read about.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34In Nuts magazine.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Yeah.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Well, thank God for that.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Look, we're going out to dinner. You coming?
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Capriccio's? ALL: Yeah!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00'Course I'm coming!
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- It's lovely to see you, Bepe. - Always a pleasure.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22And congratulations to the new couple, eh?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Dawn? Mum, it's Dawn!
0:13:26 > 0:13:32- Ohhh! Hi, Dawney!- Hello, you two!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- Fancy seein' you here!- Hi.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Hello!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40You remember Bryn, don't you?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Stacey's uncle from the wedding?
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Yes.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Lovely! Look, they're back!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Came back this afternoon, didn't you?
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Did you have a nice time?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Oh, it was fantastic.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- Yeah, and thanks for those vouchers. Really kind.- Not a problem.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04DOOR OPENS
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- This is Seth.- Hello.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- He works at the butchers. - He's a colleague of mine from work.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32- I never knew you were a butcher, Pete.- Yes. Yes, I am.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Don't let us hold you up.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44Right! Well, enjoy your meal. We'd better...
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Yeah.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- SHE MOUTHS - Yeah.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59And no olives. Thanks, Bepe.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Ooh.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Now. This is a tough one.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I'm in a bit of a pickle here.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08You might have to come back to me.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10No, no! I've got it!
0:15:10 > 0:15:14It's a toss up between the gnocchi,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16the carbonara,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18the pollo tagliatelle...
0:15:20 > 0:15:21..or the risotto.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I'll come back to you.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30I'm having the gnocchi. There it is, Pam. It's the gnocchi.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Apologies for the wait, these things take time. Hey, Gwen!
0:15:34 > 0:15:38I've gone with the gnocci! Mick, I'm having a wonderful time.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- And for you?- Si. Buona sera.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Buona sera.- Voglio ordinare bruschetta per tutti.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45E qualcosa da bere?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Eh...due bottiglie di vino rosso,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50due di vino bianco e acqua minerale per me.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51E per pranzo?
0:15:51 > 0:15:56- Prendo...l'osso bucco alla milanese con verdure e patate.- Certo.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Tidy.
0:15:59 > 0:16:05- Signor Smithy? - Er...just a caesar salad, thanks.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07No dressing.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I'm joking. I'm having a steak!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Medium.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- So in the second week, Gavin organised this boat trip.- Yeah.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30This company pick you up, and they give you a hamper and they take you to this island...
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- this deserted island.- Yeah, there's nobody there. Just us.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35It's like being on Lost.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- We went skinny dipping completely in the nuddy, didn't we?- Yeah.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41And in the last week we went paragliding.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- I'm going to the toilet. - I've always wanted to do that!
0:16:44 > 0:16:45We did it, didn't we? In Santorini.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Oh, yeah. Gwen, it is horrible.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- What is it? I want to know! Para what?- I'll be back in a minute.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Paragliding, you're sat in the sea, and then this boat, a speed boat,
0:16:57 > 0:17:02which you're attached to, slowly moves off and gathers speed and you move up with it.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Good God! Into the sky?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Alright, Stace?
0:17:14 > 0:17:15- What's occurring?- What you on about?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17You know what I'm on about.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Smithy. You haven't told him, have you?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- No.- Why?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I thought about it and I decided not to.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Look, I barely knows the kid. And what I do know, I don't like.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34- You said you were going to tell him that night, at the wedding. - I nearly did.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37But I took one look at his disgusting face...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- He's not disgusting, he's cute in his own way!- He's vile. And he's English.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- Well, now you're just bein' racist. - It's not racism, it's xenophobia.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Stop being so childish. These aren't reasons, they're excuses.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Look, I don't want to tell him cos then I'd have to admit it was really happening. And I can't.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54But it IS happening.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58And whether you like it or not, Smithy's sat out there eating bruschetta,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01unaware that you're pregnant with his child.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03What?!
0:18:04 > 0:18:08So. Now, let me get this straight.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I'm attached to a boat,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13but I'm in the air,
0:18:13 > 0:18:14flying,
0:18:14 > 0:18:19- holding on to a parachute. - Yeah, that's it.- It's quite safe!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Well, stone me, Mick. I've heard it all now!
0:18:21 > 0:18:25That's nothing. First time we all went away, to Magaluf,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Budgie... You remember Budgie? He was at the wedding?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31The ears? He ain't been out of Essex before,
0:18:31 > 0:18:36he's barely been out of Billericay. We get there, and there's this cliff hanging over the sea.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- What was it, like, 500 feet up? - It was about 80 feet.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44We've just got off the coach, and fully clothed, Budgie just runs off the cliff, and jumps in the sea.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- Comes up to the surface. - Spittin' water everywhere. - He looks up and he shouts...
0:18:47 > 0:18:50"Someone's spilt some salt in here!"
0:18:50 > 0:18:53He'd never been in the sea before!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- Gnocci?- Gnocci? Who's for the gnocci?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- You are!- Of course! Sorry, yes!
0:18:59 > 0:19:03I thought I'd gone risotto! I am the gnocci!
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- Lasagne?- That's Gwen's. I'll go and get them.- That looks good, Bryn.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12Oh, Ness... I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this might be the making of you.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- Cheers, Gwen. Genuine.- Come on, you lot, your food's getting...
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Everything OK?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- You better come in.- What's happened?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- Shall I tell her?- Tell me what?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26DAWN SOBS
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Dawn! What's the matter, Dawny?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Dawn!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- SHE SQUEALS - Oh, stop it!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37DAWN, stop it!
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Seth's gone.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- Who's Seth?- The...fella.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49We met on the internet.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Our counsellor said we could inject some passion into our relationship
0:19:53 > 0:19:56if we introduced a third party to the bedroom.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Fair play.- So, we've been emailing each other for weeks.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02All leading up to tonight.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04And it was going so well, Pam.
0:20:04 > 0:20:10But as soon as we start discussing the whys and the wherefores, y'know...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- Boundaries.- Codewords.- Yeah.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16As soon as we start talking about that, he says...
0:20:21 > 0:20:23He says...
0:20:23 > 0:20:26he's very sorry
0:20:26 > 0:20:30but our photo is not representative of the two of us as a couple,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34and he feels he's been misled. He can't go through with it.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38(I mean, the shame of it, Pam!)
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Yes, it was an old photo.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43But have I changed that much in 15 years?
0:20:43 > 0:20:48No, Dawny! You're beautiful.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Thank you, Pam.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55What you lot doing in here anyway?
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Nessa's pregnant. BOTH: What?!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03And Smithy's the father.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Oh, my Christ!
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Right, I'm gonna start. This is ridiculous. Bryn, pass the pepper.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Cor, that's a big one.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16- I can barely get my hand around it. - Should have seen this one in Greece, in this restaurant.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Oh, will you please give it a rest? - What?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- Is that gonna be it now? "In Greece" this, "in Greece" that?- I only got back today.- Oh, not this again.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- I'm sorry, but it's like I don't even know him any more.- Eh?
0:21:25 > 0:21:30You're paragliding, eating hampers, you're not even having beer - you're drinking wine for some reason.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Yeah, well, beer is quite fattening.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- Says who - your wife?- Oh, come on, mate. I'm back now.- I mean,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39did you think of me once when you were away?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- Course I did.- When?- What d'you mean? - When did you think of me?
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Tennis.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54We were gonna play tennis, but Stacey's rubbish, so we didn't.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57But I thought, "If Smithy was here now, we'd have a great game."
0:22:02 > 0:22:05We would, an' all. D'you want to play tomorrow?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- I can't. I'm picking up the wedding photos.- For God's sake!
0:22:07 > 0:22:11I'm gonna find out where they've got to. This is ridiculous.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16You all right, Pete?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Michael Shipman!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Mick Shipman!
0:22:22 > 0:22:23What's it like to be you?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Where's Dawny? - I mean, you got the looks,
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- you got the wife, you got the girth.- What?
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Would you say I was a good-looking bloke? I mean, do you think I'm attractive?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Well, right now you've got black teeth.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Have I really?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Mick! Mick!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Pete is absolutely battered!
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- Never mind that! Just get in here. - What?!
0:22:57 > 0:23:01What's going on? We're all sat out there...
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Dawn? You all right?
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- Seth's gone.- Who's Seth?- The big black boy.- The big black fella.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13- They met him on the Net. They were gonna have a threesome but he took one look at them and bolted.- Blimey.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16And Nessa's pregnant.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17What?!
0:23:17 > 0:23:18ALL: And Smithy's the father.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Does he know?- No.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Where's Pete? Mick, is he all right? Have you seen him?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Well... Yeah, I saw him just now.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31- He's sat there, drinking. And laughing.- Oh.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Will you go and get him for me, please... I need my Pete.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Go on.- All right.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41You're very lucky, you two.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45I've never had what you'd call a BEST friend.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I had acquaintances, many. But never anyone...y'know, BEST.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52And I suppose that's because I always had Trevor,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54God rest his soul. But, of course, he was my brother.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56So that didn't really count.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59And, I've always been close with Nessa...
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- But that's as far as it goes. - I'll be back in a minute.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06PETE LAUGHS
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- You all right, Dad? - Yeah. Give us a hand, will ya?
0:24:10 > 0:24:17I said we should've got a new photo done - been honest, warts an' all.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18But what do I know?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- Where we going?- Ladies' toilets. - What?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24So...are you gonna keep it?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- Yeah.- Are you?
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Yeah. I am. I thought about it long and hard, no word of a lie,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33but then I watched Vera Drake,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37twice, and I thought, no, I can't be doing with all that.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Well, in that case, you have got to tell him.- She's right.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- But I don't want him involved. - That's not up to you, my love.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45There's two of you in this.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- Oh, my Pete! Are you all right? - Seth's gone.- I know.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50- Who's Seth?- The black fella.
0:24:50 > 0:24:56They met on the Internet, they were gonna have a three-way but he didn't want to. He changed his mind.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- And Nessa's pregnant.- What?!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01ALL: And Smithy's the father.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I'll be your best mate.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Will you?
0:25:09 > 0:25:13- Well, I sure as shit ain't got one any more have.- Come on, Smithy...
0:25:13 > 0:25:17You're a young man. You've got your whole life ahead of you.
0:25:17 > 0:25:23- You don't want to be tied down to an old fogey like me. - You're not old, Bryn.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Are you? How old are you?
0:25:26 > 0:25:31That, young man, is a gentleman's prerogative.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36Anyway, it's not how old you are, it's how you are old.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40You are so funny, Bryn. You know that?
0:25:40 > 0:25:44You crack me up every time!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Not like him, the useless sack of shit.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Hey now, come on. You're crossing the line there, son.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54He's in love.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56And there's nothing you can do about it.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00I love you Bryn-la, I do.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Let's meet up.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Every weekend. In Swindon.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- Just me and you.- Really?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Yes!- All right, you're on!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Do you want some of Gwen's lasagne?
0:26:11 > 0:26:15- Bring it on! - All right, let's do it! Come on!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24- You've got to tell him tonight. - I know.- I can't believe it. How long have you known about this?
0:26:24 > 0:26:29- About three weeks.- You've known for three weeks and you didn't tell me? - I tried!- Not that hard.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Don't argue, my loves, it's not worth it.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I love you, Dawny.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- You know when we were away, and I said I had something to tell you?- Yeah.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44I told you Nessa was in the original line up of All Saints, but she left cos she didn't get on with Shaznay?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- I was trying to tell you then. - So you made all that up?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48No. That was true.
0:26:48 > 0:26:54- It was a power struggle. - Look, none of this matters, who told you when, and what have you.
0:26:54 > 0:26:59What matters is, the person who HASN'T been told is the person that SHOULD'VE been, and he's out there.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- Who, Bryn?- No.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Smithy.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I'll come to Wales, you can come up here.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08I'll go to church with you.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12We'll just hang out. You know, like best mates do.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Do you think Mick will mind if I finish this last slice of pizza?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18So what if he does? I'll back you up.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Cos that's what best mates do.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Oh, Smithy.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- I got something to tell you.- What?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I'm pregnant.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32And you're the father.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd