0:00:27 > 0:00:30MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Hiya.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Hiya. It's me. It's Stacey.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34- I know. - Oh, my God.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- How's it going? What's it like? - I've literally just sat down.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I said goodbye to you 35 minutes ago.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Have you met anyone yet? What are they like?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Oh, my God. Are there girls everywhere?
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- They'll be all over you. - Don't be silly.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46It's just new territory for me, babes.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I'm failing to establish my emotional boundaries,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51allowing my latent insecurities to manifest themselves...
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Babe, you have got to stop reading Psychologies magazine.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57I know. I sound like knob. It's just sometimes...
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Stace, I've been at work for 11 minutes.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I promise I'll call you at lunch, OK?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- OK. I love you. - I love you too.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18KNOCK AT DOOR
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Gavin. Huw Davies. Welcome to Cardiff.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Mr Davies, good to see you again.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Please, call me Huw.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Now, is this your first office of your own?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- Yeah, it is. - Excellent news.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30I tell you what - call Maintenance
0:01:30 > 0:01:33and get them to stick this on your door.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34It's a big moment.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Oh, cheers. Thanks.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Now, I'll take you round in a bit, show you what's what and who's who.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Did you get your welcome pack?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- Uh, yeah, I think so. - Excellent news.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46PHONE RINGS Get that. Could be important.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Phone system - real easy.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Boom, boom.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52And then...line one.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Go.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Uh, Gavin Shipman.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- PAM: Hello, my little prince. - Hiya. Look, um...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00How's it going, darling? Are people being nice to you?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- I can't really talk right now. - Oh, my God.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05They're victimising you. You are the victim of a victimisation.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Gavin, get out. Run home now.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Mum, everything's fine. It's my mother.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- Oh. - I'm just with my new boss.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Oh, my Christ! What's he like? Is he bald?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16What? No. Look, I'll call you at lunch or after work.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17When it's not on the company's time.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20All right. Well, call me on the...
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- Sorry about that. - Hey, listen.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Everyone has to take a personal call once in a while.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26And when it's family, it's family.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Now, your fire regs and what have you - very simple.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31In the event of a fire, my motto is...
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- "Run for your life"? - No.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35"Go to your nearest assembly point."
0:02:35 > 0:02:36PHONE RINGS Right.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39You're on your own with this one. Go for it.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- Line one. Mm. - Hello. Gavin Shipman.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- MICK: You all right, mate? - My dad.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Dad, I'm actually with my boss.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Oh, apologies. Say no more. Call me later.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Cheers. See ya.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50I'm so sorry about that.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52It's just, you know, with the move down here and that...
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Listen. I completely understand.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56And a family phone call once in a while,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58from a relative or relation, is, uh...
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Now, chain of command on this floor.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05It's Joyce, then Terry, then Owain. PHONE RINGS
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- Gavin Shipman. - SMITHY: Gavlarrr!
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Right, ready when you are. Excellent news. OK.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Let's show you round.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I'm just gonna leave that there.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32NEIL CRIES ON MONITOR
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Oh. Neil.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44It's me, Vanessa. Your mother.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46NEIL GIGGLES
0:03:46 > 0:03:47What's wrong?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51GIGGLES AND PANTS
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I'll be there now, babes. All right?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02GIGGLES
0:04:02 > 0:04:04NESSA GROANS
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I've done you a tea.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- Oh, cheers. - What time you in work?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- 12.00. - I'll drop you off.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I've gotta go to pick up those paper plates.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- Tidy. - I've been looking at this list.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20You sure you're not taking on too much, cooking all this food?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22It's not that much. Read it out.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Cheese and pineapple.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Already done it. Just gotta do the pineapple.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- Sausage rolls. - Gwen's doing them.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- Sandwiches. - Gwen.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31- Pasties. - Gwen.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32- Quiche. - Gwen.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33- Drumsticks. - Gwen.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34- Wings. - Not doing 'em.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35- Spicy wings. - Gwen.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36- Dips. - Gwen.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Salad. - Doris.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39- Scotch eggs. - Gwen.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Crackin'.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41What about desserts?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Oh, Dave, man, give me a break. I'm your fiancee.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I've got enough on my plate as it is. I'm christening my son,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I've got two jobs and I'm living in a caravan.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52And it's Gav's first day. I haven't even rang him yet.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53I tried him. He didn't pick up.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Talk to Bryn about the afters.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58He's got all sorts kickin' round in that freezer.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Probably even got a Black Forest left over from Christmas.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Phwoar! Someone needs changing.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05No. He's fine.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07It's my feet.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12So, this is the first one, OK?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14OK.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Did you speak to Gav yet? - Yeah.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I think he was a bit off with me, to be honest.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Was it wrong to send a balloon, do you think?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22No, love. It was a wee bit of fun.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25And this is the second one.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I think I prefer the first one.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Oh, I knew you'd say that. I like this one best.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33It's up to you. Whatever you feel most comfortable in.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Yeah, it's up to me, it is. It's what I feel most comfortable in.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39And the thing with black is it goes with so much.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Mm-hm.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I've got three interviews altogether, now.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Hey, I was thinking -
0:05:43 > 0:05:46why don't you talk to Andrea about getting your old job back?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49No. Closing down, apparently, cos of the depression.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Recession.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Yeah. The credit thing.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55So, what I'm gonna do is, I'll hang on to both jackets.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Then, if I get one of the interviews,
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I'll only take one jacket back - keep the other as a treat.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Yeah. Wear it on Sunday.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Nice one, Gwen.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Oh, my God!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I just called you Gwen!
0:06:07 > 0:06:08BOTH LAUGH
0:06:08 > 0:06:12He just hung up on me, Pam.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Treating me like... like a common dog, a mutt.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Darling, he didn't.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20It's his first day. He was off with me on the phone.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I don't know who he is any more, Pam.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24He's changed.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26He's gone, and I'm here, bereft.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I know, darling. I know exactly how you feel.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32No, you don't. You've got Mick. I've got no-one. I'm all alone!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Well, what about Lucy?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36She's on some student exchange thing, dicking round the Dordogne.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38She's got no credit. I can't text her.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Now, Smithy, listen to me.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42You have got to pull yourself together, darling.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44You've got to throw yourself into work.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I ain't got no work, have I? No-one's got any money.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I'm still waiting for Mick to give me the go-ahead on the extension.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51I've got Deano givin' it all that in my ear
0:06:51 > 0:06:53about his child maintenance.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Got this christening I'm supposed to fork out for.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57My life's falling apart, Pam.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Hiya. SMITHY MOANS
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Oh, God. Not this again, you two.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05He is struggling, Mick, to come to terms with the loss of Gavin.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Gavin's not dead, Pam.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Three days running, I've come home to this - tears at the table.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13You are so cold, Michael. You are cold-hearted, Mr Shipman.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Oh, please, don't argue. Please.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Your only son has emigrated abroad, to another country,
0:07:17 > 0:07:19and you couldn't care one jot.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- You couldn't care a J-O-T-E. - I do care.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23I miss him. I do.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I just think we've got to get on with our lives
0:07:25 > 0:07:27instead of sitting around here, moping.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Look, Smithy, we would like you to do the extension.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Seriously? Cos if I order materials...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Do the bloody extension.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37What are you doin' home anyway, Pam? Shouldn't you and Dawn rehearse?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38The heats are in three weeks.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41It's off. Dawn and Margaret have had a fight.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- Why? - Margaret won't wear the costume.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- She said it was degradin'. - Costume? What you on about?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Me, Dawn and Japanese Margaret
0:07:48 > 0:07:50were gonna enter Britain's Got Talent.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Doing what? - A medley of Miss Saigon songs.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I was just thinking, you know - I might still enter on my own.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58All That Jazz, from Chicago.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02# Come on, babe Why don't we paint the... #
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Right. Look, what's happening on Sunday?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Who's taking who?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07# ..And all that jazz... #
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I'm taking Mum and Rudi, so I've got two spaces
0:08:09 > 0:08:10if you want to jump in with me.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12No, it's all right, darling. We'll go down on our own.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14But if I'm not driving, I can have a couple of drinks,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16and if he's got two spaces...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Yeah, but we don't want to get in his way, do we, Mick?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- Him and his sister and his mum! - No, they won't mind.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24See? And you and Cath can have a little catch-up.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27No, I think it's a great idea. Take one car.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Save on the petrol. Do our bit for the carbon footprint, eh, Pam?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33That's jazz!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36The surprising thing about Terry is, although he doesn't look it,
0:08:36 > 0:08:38he is, in fact, our nominated first-aider.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- Huw? - Ah.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Now, here's somebody you've not met yet.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Owain Hughes. Owain heads up the website.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Hi. Nice to meet you. Gavin Shipman.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Owain Hughes.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51And before you ask - no, I don't.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53HUW AND OWAIN LAUGH
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Hey, uh,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58we have a little seven-a-side on a Thursday if you fancy joining us.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- Oh, right. Yeah, I'd like that. - I mean, it's nothing too serious.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03At the end of the day, it's just touch rugby.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04But some of the guys...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Oh, sorry. I thought you meant football.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- No, we play rugby. - It's rugby, it is.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12KNOCKING
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Gavin!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Gavin, they won't let me in.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- I wanted to surprise you. - Oh, God.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Brought you a packed lunch. - Bryn, I don't need a...
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I'm sorry. This is my uncle...in-law
0:09:24 > 0:09:28- This is Bryn. - Hello.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29- Hiya. - Hiya.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Bryn, this is Huw Davies, my boss,
0:09:31 > 0:09:32and our website manager, Owain Hughes.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Owain Hughes! And do you?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36No, I don't.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39OWAIN, HUW AND BRYN LAUGH
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Now, I wasn't sure what you'd like,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45so I've done you a selection of sandwiches.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46A smorgasbord.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48You've got cheese and pickle,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51cheese and ham, cheese and tomato,
0:09:51 > 0:09:52and just cheese.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Take your pick. A bit of everything.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Look, don't stay out there, Bryn. Come on in, man.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I don't want to disturb him on his first day.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Do you know what? Looking in this window now,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06it's like watching an episode of The Apprentice.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10I feel like Sir Alan Sugar. Very clever man.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Gavin? You're fired!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You're not really. I don't have that sort of power.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I'll see you, Gav. Huw. Owain.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18- Bye, Bryn. - See you.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Mr Shipman, parcel for you.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Just arrived.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Oh, thanks.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Well, open it, then.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49It's from my wife.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55So, what I'll do is, I'll keep the both jackets.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Then if I get one of the jobs, I'll only take one jacket back.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Keep the other as a treat. - And you can wear it on Sunday.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03That's exactly what Mum said.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Oh, my God. Where's Neil? - The Baby?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Yeah.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Oh! There you are!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13It's easier for me to smoke.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Oh, right.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17So how's it all going with Dave, living together and that?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Oh, you know, he's got his faults, I've got mine.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23They're just magnified when you live in a caravan.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24How you finding it with Gav in my old room?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Oh, I absolutely love it.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28I wake up in the morning
0:11:28 > 0:11:30and think, "Lush! I'm in Barry."
0:11:30 > 0:11:34I just hope Gav likes the job, so we can stay and get our own place.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36The thing about relationships, Stace, it's all about give and take.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Sometimes you give... - Sometimes you take.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42That's my problem with Dave. I only want to give.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46And he's fed up with taking.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Right.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51I gotta clean the grabbers.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Come on, Neil. Follow me.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01I didn't know you could win an iPod on the grabbers.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- Where's it say you can win an iPod? - You can see it there. It's...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Use your eyes, Stace. What do you actually see?
0:12:06 > 0:12:10- An iPod. - No. It's an iPod box.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12And that is what you win.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14I'm sick of sayin' it.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19"No, I don't"? What's his name again?
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Owain Hughes.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23"And before you ask, no, I don't."
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Right, am I being thick? Cos I just don't get that.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- Me neither. - And you say Bryn found it funny?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Yeah, they all did. - See, I'm good at jokes.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I'm the creator of some of Billericay's biggest jokes.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- You are their biggest joke. - Shut it, you slag!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40No, you shut it, you slag.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- You slag! - You slag!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- You slag! - You slag!
0:12:44 > 0:12:48No, you slag! You slag! You slag! Shut it, you slag!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Hiya. Can I have a large cod and chips, two battered sausage,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53chicken and mushroom pie, can of Shandy Bass and a cherry Tango?
0:12:53 > 0:12:54- You with Deano? - No.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Rudi?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- No. - What, is all that food for you?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Yeah, but I'm having some now, as an afternoon snack,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02some for my dinner and then some for my supper.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- Can I have them two? - What's happening with your mum?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- Is she coming on Sunday or not? - Well, she claims she is.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- If she's not having an off day. - Well, that's good, innit?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Yeah, it's just...
0:13:11 > 0:13:13It's the first time she's gonna meet Nessa
0:13:13 > 0:13:15and Dave's gonna be there and...
0:13:15 > 0:13:17You know, after everything that happened at Christmas...
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Like what?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Nothing. Listen, I've gotta pay, so... Yeah, I'll see you later.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Yeah. See ya.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Stace?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34'And that sunshine will certainly help
0:13:34 > 0:13:37'to ripen David Lloyd's tomatoes in Cwmbach.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38'Further west, a little bit of...
0:13:38 > 0:13:41'...found in almost every town and city in Wales.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44BOTH SPEAK WELSH
0:13:52 > 0:13:53SWITCHES TV OFF
0:14:14 > 0:14:15DOOR OPENS
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- STACEY: Gavlar! - Hiya.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Oh! I can't do it, can I?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I'm trying to do the robot so you won't feel homesick.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Oh, baby, that's so sweet. Come here.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36You're so lovely.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Do you prefer sex in Barry or in Essex?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- What? - Cos I think I prefer it in Essex.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Right. We did it last night. Are you saying I'm worse in bed in Barry?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52No.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I just mean I think it's sort of dirtier in Essex,
0:14:55 > 0:14:58cos your mum and dad are only in the next room.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00But here, my mum isn't bothered.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02She's heard me have sex loads of times - and Ness.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09DOG BARKS SMITHY: Mum!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11We were supposed to leave ten minutes ago!
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- Have you been to bed? - No.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Mum, have you got any Nurofen?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23CATH: Anadin. In the drawer.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27So you're obviously not coming.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Yeah. I'm ready.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32You're not coming like that.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34BELCHES AND BLOWS
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I am.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38It's a christening. It's your nephew's christening.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Hang on.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44What?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Just seeing if I can find someone who gives a shit.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49CATH: Right. I'm ready.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I'll do me make-up in the car.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Bring them Anadin, Ruth.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09I knew this would happen.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11It won't be Smithy that's held them up. It'll be her.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Cath. - There's no point getting worked up.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16We're gonna be together in that car for four hours.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19NINE hours. Four hours there and four hours back.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21That's NINE hours, Michael.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24No, it's not. It's eight hours. Four and four is eight.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Oh, to-may-to, to-mah-to.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I just don't want to be stuck in the car with her.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Why?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Because she plainly doesn't like me, Mick,
0:16:31 > 0:16:32and, quite frankly, I can't stand her.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35And before you say anything, it's got nothing to do with her epilepsy.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39It's narcolepsy, Pam - a very mild form of narcolepsy.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40So she says.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I'd have narcolepsy if I drank... CAR HORN BEEPS
0:16:42 > 0:16:44..three bottles of wine a night.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Be nice.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I will be nice. I'm sitting in the front.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Pamelar, Micklar, your "carr-agini" awaits.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56You're in a good mood.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57My son's being made a Christian, Pam,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59which guarantees he will not burn in hell,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01unlike you, Michael Shipman,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03who is definitely destined for the flames.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Hi, Rudi.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I gotta sit in the front, if you don't mind.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08I'll puke if I go in the back.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Oh, that's all right, darling. I prefer it in the back, anyway.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Cath!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Hello, Pammy. Come on. Get in. We'll have a good catch-up.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Lovely!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27DOORBELL RINGS
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Hiya, Dor. - I'm early, I am, Gwen.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Well, come on in. - I will, if you don't mind.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I've been ready for six hours,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40just scratching around in there, all on my tod.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Well, you should have said.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Shit! You've been busy.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Just a few bits and bobs.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Have you got the salad... - Oh, this effing salad, Gwen.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Look, I haven't done it, I'm not doing it. End of.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- Why? - Because I can't be arsed.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58People don't want it, Gwen. They want filling up.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Pies, pasties, this cheap crap.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I mean, I don't even know why I offered.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09Why did I offer to help someone who's owed me £6,500 since 1992?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12She is paying you back, Dor. Fair play.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15£1 a week, Gwen. What does she take me for?
0:18:15 > 0:18:19A fool? I'll be 140 by the time it's repaid.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Well, look, Dor, I'll do the salad, then.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22No. Why should you?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25You're defeating the object. Now, just leave it.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Let her come up to me, as she undoubtedly will,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31and say, "Oh, Dor, where's the salad?"
0:18:31 > 0:18:34And I'll say, "Oh, fatty, where's my cash?"
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- Hiya! - Hi.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- All right, Doris? - No.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I'm crabby, I am, Gav. Moody.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I've just ripped into Nessa for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- Time of the month, Stace. - Oh.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48"Do you renounce the works of the Devil?"
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"Yes, sir, I do!"
0:18:51 > 0:18:53ALL LAUGH
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Gwen, I've been reading the order of service for the christening.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59And I'll tell you what - it's very dramatic.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01It's like being in an opera.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02- Is it? - GAVIN: Anyone want any toast?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- STACEY: No. - DORIS: You're right, Gav.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Seriously - as a godfather,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09if anything should happen to Ness, David or Smithy,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12then I am basically promising today
0:19:12 > 0:19:15to protect Neil the Baby from Satan himself,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17from Lucifer, from Old Nick.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Good thing I've been down the gym, eh, Gav? Put 'em up!
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Put 'em up! Whoa!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24BRYN LAUGHS
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Jokin', I am.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26GAVIN: I'd better get dressed.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Oh, yes. Come on. Chop chop.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Oh, we've got plenty of time.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Right. I'm gonna start running this lot down to the Dolphin.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Um...where's the salad, Dor?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Where's the salad? Where's the salad?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42There's the salad. Now, leave me alone.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50So, I said to Dr Chowdhry... You know Dr Chowdhry, don't you?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Oh, yeah. Yeah, we like him, don't we?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Yeah, well, I used to.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57So I said to him,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"All I'm asking you to do is run some checks on me
0:20:00 > 0:20:03"to see if I've got narcoleptic tendencies."
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- But he wouldn't listen. - No.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07He said if you was to cut down on your drinking,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09you'd notice a marked improvement on your ability to stay awake.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- And what did I say back to him? - Mum, you can't. It's racist.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Well, yes, I did say something, Pam, that I'm ashamed of.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16But I told him,
0:20:16 > 0:20:20I wasn't there to discuss my social life, but my health.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- Right. - So...
0:20:22 > 0:20:26He did the tests e-ventually.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27And what were the results?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I don't know.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I was supposed to pick them up on Tuesday afternoon,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33but I slept right through till 6.00.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Next time we visit this church, you'll be walking down the aisle.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I know. The virgin bride.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48How's all that going, by the way?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Yeah. I've been looking into it on the web, like.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52I've still got some of Doris's money left over,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55so come the actual wedding night, I'll be good as new for you.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Crackin'.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Oh, Ness.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59All right, Dad? How's it going? All right?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02All right, Ness. How's it going? All right?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Dave, this is Neil, my father.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Dad, this is my friend, Dave.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Well, fiance. - That's what I said.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And who's this little man, eh?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16CHUCKLES This is Neil the Baby.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Neil, this is your granddad, Neil.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I'm glad you could make it, Dad.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I know how difficult it must be for you to show your face round Barry.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I wouldn't miss this for the world.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I've just got to keep my wits about me.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Shall we?
0:21:40 > 0:21:41David.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Neil Jenkins!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Now, there's a blast from the past.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53BRYN LAUGHS All right, Bryn. What's occurrin'?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Well, you are looking remarkably well. Isn't he, Gwen?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I'm trying to think when we last saw you.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- '97. Diana's funeral. - That's it.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- Smithy. - All right?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Hiya. Sorry I'm late.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Hey! There he is!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Why is he wearing a dress?
0:22:12 > 0:22:13I don't know.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Oh, right. Um...
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Everyone, this is my mum, by the way, Cath.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- BRYN: Hello, Cath. - And Rudi, my sister.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Smithy! We met at the drive-through.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- That's all right, Bryn. - Can we sit down now, please, Neil?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- I'm absolutely exhausted. - SMITHY: Yeah, yeah.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- I'd better have him with me. - All right.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32OK.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- Should I sit... - No, you're all right, Smith.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- You can sit anywhere, I think. - OK.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Good morning, everyone. Let's start with our first hymn.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Number 377.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54"Immortal, invisible, God only wise,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56"In light inaccessible,
0:22:56 > 0:22:59"Hid from our eyes."
0:22:59 > 0:23:03ORGAN PLAYS INTRODUCTION
0:23:04 > 0:23:07And so now we welcome you,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Neil Noel Edmond Smith,
0:23:10 > 0:23:11into the family of the Church.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Let's give him a round of applause, everyone.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23And in celebration of this joyous event,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Bryn West, Neil's godfather,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27would like to sing for us all.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Bryn?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34MUSIC: "Something Inside" by Labi Siffre
0:23:42 > 0:23:45# The higher you build your barrier
0:23:47 > 0:23:50# The taller I become
0:23:52 > 0:23:56# The farther you take my rights away
0:23:58 > 0:24:00# The faster I will run
0:24:02 > 0:24:05# You can deny me
0:24:05 > 0:24:10# You can decide to turn your face away
0:24:10 > 0:24:13# No matter, cos there's...
0:24:13 > 0:24:16CHOIR JOINS IN: # Something inside so strong
0:24:18 > 0:24:21# I know that I can make it
0:24:21 > 0:24:24# Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong
0:24:24 > 0:24:28# Thought that my pride was gone
0:24:28 > 0:24:30# Oh, no
0:24:30 > 0:24:35# There's something inside so strong
0:24:35 > 0:24:36# Oh! Oh! Oh!
0:24:36 > 0:24:40# Something inside so strong
0:24:42 > 0:24:45# The more you refuse to hear my voice
0:24:45 > 0:24:47CHOIR: # Away, away, away, away
0:24:47 > 0:24:50BRYN: # The louder I will sing... #
0:24:50 > 0:24:55Hearing Bryn singing like that makes me think I should go solo.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- I mean, if he can do it... - Yeah.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59And I honestly believe I've got something
0:24:59 > 0:25:03that Simon, Amanda and, particularly, Piers would want to hear.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Yeah, well, now you come to mention it,
0:25:05 > 0:25:07you have got a touch of the Susan Boyles about you.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Oh, thanks, darlin'.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- Congratulations, you two. - Yeah, lovely service.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14DAVE: Yeah, help yourself to the food.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- Cheers, Pam. - Good on you, mate.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17There's a bar over there.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Order what you like. They'll bring it over.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Oh, very generous.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Yeah, you can have anything - beers, wine, vodka, rum.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Tell him what you want, he'll do it for you.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- And then just pay him at the till. - BOTH: It's not a free bar.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Right. Ha!
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Congratulations, you two. I hope you'll be very happy together.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Cheers, Dor. I'll stick it with the others, is it?
0:25:40 > 0:25:45I'm not being funny, but shouldn't I be doing this - the welcoming...bit?
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Congratulations.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47- Hiya. - Cheers.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- I'll take that. - No, it's not for Neil.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- It's an engagement present, it is. - What?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Yeah, we thought we'd kill two birds with one stone, like,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56and make it a christening-slash-engagement party.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Whoa! Hang on. What's this about a slash?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I don't want a slash. No-one told me I was having a slash.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02It's not a big deal. It's just a few friends...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Yes, it is. I forked out 420 quid for today
0:26:04 > 0:26:06for my son, OUR son's christening.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I can't see where it's gone, to be honest.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10The food's a joke. There's not even any salad.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12What?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Look, it doesn't matter about...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Oh! Doris!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It doesn't matter about the salad.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20So...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23You're going ahead with it, then - the engagement.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26What? Yeah, I just said.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29No, you didn't.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Well, yeah, I am, all right?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36You all right?
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Yeah. Cheers.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Talk me through the decision with the middle name again.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Noel and Edmond?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Yeah, Noel Edmond.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Well, I wanted to call him after my granddad, Edmond...
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Pappa Ed.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52She wanted to call him after some mate of hers who was in Hear'Say.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- Noel. - So that's what we got.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Noel Edmonds. His middle name's Noel Edmonds.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Well, essentially, it isn't Noel Edmonds
0:26:59 > 0:27:01cos, essentially, there isn't an S, so...
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- Are you in a mood? - I'm fine.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Just fed up of people saying my son's named after Noel Edmonds.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Can I have a go of him?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Yeah, go for it.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Sorry. We haven't really met properly.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I'm Smithy's sister.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- Rudi. - Nessa.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Vanessa. So lovely to meet you.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I'm Catherina, Neil's mother.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29I know.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Yeah, it's appalling, this is the first time we meet.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Don't worry about it. I knows how tired you get.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35And we did speak that time on the webcam.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Oh...yes, and... can I just say again,
0:27:39 > 0:27:42that second time was a genuine mistake.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46I honestly thought you were this man called John from Epworth.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- I would never have exposed... - Oh.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Cath, it's fine.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52It's nothing I've not seen before.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54BRYN: Right.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Everybody, we're going to have a family photo.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- Everybody forward. - MICK: Where do you want us, Bryn?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Dave, I want you one side of Ness and, Smithy, you on the other.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05The little ones at the front and the big ones at the back.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07You're the littlest one, aren't ya?
0:28:07 > 0:28:10And then, if everybody could move in together, please. Bunch in together.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12That's it. All right.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17CAMERA CLICKS BRYN: Yay.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19PAM: Yay! SHE LAUGHS
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- Can we have one now, me and Gav? - Go on, then. Ness?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Could Stace have him for a minute?
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Oh. He's so lush, isn't he?
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Neil the Baby.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Yeah, he is.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38- Gav? - Yeah.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40What?
0:28:40 > 0:28:43- Yeah, let's go for it. - Seriously?
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Why not? Let's give it a try.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52- Oh! - All ready?
0:28:55 > 0:29:00# Tell me tomorrow I'll wait by the window for you
0:29:05 > 0:29:09# I'll wait by your big house for you
0:29:13 > 0:29:18# I'll wait by the squeeze box for you. #