0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Roll, river
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Keep on rolling
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# Ancient lady
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# Cold
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Roll, river
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# Roll. #
0:00:21 > 0:00:27This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34- The pain's gone higher up. - Oh, dear.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Oh, nothing for me, then?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39No, I haven't been for three days now.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I'm like that after a pickled egg.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Do you think I've got a blockage, Nurse?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Nah, it's probably just the hospital food.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51How are you getting on with that? Oh, you've got a couple left.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Do you have anything for... for 15 down?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57It's "swollen", eight letters.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- Ends with D.- I'll have to get back to you on that.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01I'll see if I can get Sister
0:01:01 > 0:01:04to talk to Dr Moore to write you up for some laxatives, OK?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- I hope that's all it needs.- Mm.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- Thanks, Nurse.- Oh!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Is it "engorged"?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I don't know, but it's very itchy.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Thanks, all, for coming.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19So what we're talking about today is,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I'm here to cascade down to the ward staff the new priorities.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Sorry I'm late.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Could we all revisit your time-management strategies?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Um...cos we all know that punctuality is the number one stress-buster.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34I had to clear up some wee. That was cascading down.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39So, what we're looking at today is environmental performance,
0:01:39 > 0:01:43carbon reduction and environmental impacts.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45We do this in a number of ways.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Energy, waste, water, recycling and bikes.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Now, when we're all at home,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I know that every single one of us does our compost
0:01:54 > 0:01:56and our recycling and we use low-energy light bulbs,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58but just because we're at work...
0:01:58 > 0:01:59SHE MOUTHS
0:01:59 > 0:02:02doesn't mean that we shouldn't go around not switching off the lights,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04or letting the water run, or...
0:02:04 > 0:02:06HILARY: Can I stop you there, please? - Yes.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07You've missed something out.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Your target is to reduce the carbon footprint of the hospital
0:02:11 > 0:02:13by 35% within three years.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Thank you, Mr Loftus, that is correct. So...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I was one of the original designers
0:02:20 > 0:02:25in the reorganisation colour-coding mandate for waste disposal.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Right. Well, would you like to come
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and outline the targets, then, Mr Loftus?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I don't think that would be appropriate, so carry on, please.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Can I ask what training you're providing for staff on all of this?
0:02:36 > 0:02:41- This is the training session.- Oh, I thought you said you were cascading.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- It's cascade training.- Oh, two for the price of one, is it?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46It's more efficient that way, I guess.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47So, um...outside of every ward,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50we're going to have an electricity meter.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53HILARY: And we will be recording, in ohms and wattage.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55As opposed to 'Olmes and Watson!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Very good.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03But getting back to the point,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06for each ward there will be rewards and penalties.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10And will there be overtime payments to allow for assimilation of this?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Yeah, that'd be nice.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Yeah, what do we win? - Well, it's not...
0:03:14 > 0:03:19A trip to Blackpool Illuminations? Or maybe that's the punishment.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Um...all of the dirty and clean sluices have been fitted
0:03:21 > 0:03:24with motion-sensor-activated lighting.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Which'll give us all a head start.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27How much does that cost, I wonder?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30So, I'm now going to hand out the training booklets.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Hurrah(!)- So we can all have a look at those.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Can't wait.- They're called Stop Using It, You Loser.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39- You haven't briefed staff about the waste identification system.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- Oh, actually, I wanted to check a few facts
0:03:41 > 0:03:43before I cascaded that down.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- I'm...I'm a bit confused about...
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- Look, it's very, very simple.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- It's the tiger stripes and the bumblebee thing I'm a little...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- Shall I pass it along? - Yes, please. Thank you, Den.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Um...I'll take you all through it this once.
0:03:56 > 0:04:02OK, you are going to be using yellow for infectious/clinical.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Orange for household.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08And black and yellow,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11or, as what we like to call them, bumblebee or tiger stripes
0:04:11 > 0:04:14for offensive but never infectious
0:04:14 > 0:04:20because it costs actually £100 per tonne more expensive to dispose of.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I'm sorry, but how are we supposed to be able to tell the difference between the two yellows?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27The plain yellow is just informational,
0:04:27 > 0:04:31and the black stripe is... is clearly a bumblebee.
0:04:31 > 0:04:37It's about observing and looking for this, looking for this black stripe.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Perhaps we could have some time at the end to get to know the bags.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45You will check my Return To Study essay title, won't you?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I will. I'm just feeling queasy, that's all.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I think this is the week that the mucous plug forms in the cervix.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Do you think that can give you indigestion?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54You said you'd be my mentor.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Yeah, I will, Kim.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I don't want to vomit all over your paperwork, do I?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Oi, Den.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Dave's got a mate that can make these things go backwards.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05We haven't paid a lecky bill in years.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- That's dishonest, Kim. - Yeah, but you're an accomplice.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10What about your 2,000-watt turbo hair dryer?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Nearly took the roof off this morning.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14PHONE RINGS
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Ward K2.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18No, we don't do any bariatrics or gastric...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20OK, well, what's the name?
0:05:20 > 0:05:25- Steve? No, sorry, we don't do men here either.- No.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30Well, if he's pre-op, why can't he just go home for the weekend?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Yeah, I suppose. Yeah, care and repair.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34They've got to put the window back in, haven't they?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37He's going to be a bit heavy. That's the only problem for us.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41No, on the electricity, I mean.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Oh, I can block out the whole ward?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Yeah. No, that will be brilliant.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Thanks. That's a deal. Cheers.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Kim?- Yeah.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Um...can you phone down to Porterage, please?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- I just need that floor clear. - Are we having a disco?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58PIPPA: Morning, Sister. Morning, gents.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00PHONE RINGS Oh, sorry. Excuse me.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I'm just going to take this. Good morning, Jennifer.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09Right, right. So, that's what he's stated on his Form E, is it?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11No, no. Right. Well, no, he always told me
0:06:11 > 0:06:16that he put 33.3% of his net salary into a savings account.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19£4,000 on a Gordon Ramsay picnic?
0:06:19 > 0:06:20No, he's making all of this up, Jen.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23He's probably put it in some offshore bank account or something.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27No, I didn't know that.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Sorry, half of MY pension?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32No, he bloody... he bloody well can't, can he?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33So, no, no, no.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Why should I lose out because he has squandered all that money?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38No, this is grossly unfair!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41OK, yes, I will.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I'll speak to you later. All right, thank you.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Little prick!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Good morning, Mrs Dethick. Hello again.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Oh, hello, Dr Moore. I'm so sorry to be such a nuisance to you.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Oh, not a bit of it! That's what we're here for.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00You're no trouble at all. Um...what are her latest obs?
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Yes, all normal range.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Right, gents, differential diagnosis. What do we need to rule out?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- Ovarian cancer.- Yes, we've done a CO-125 tumour marker.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Do you remember? What else?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- Pancreatitis?- Yes.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- How do we test for that?- CT-KUB. - Yes, which stands for?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Computer tomography, kidney, ureter, bowels.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20No. Anyone else? FEMALE DOCTOR: Kidney, urine...
0:07:20 > 0:07:23No! Kidney, ureter and... MALE DOCTOR: Bones?
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Bladder and raised amylase levels. What else?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- So, which one have I got? - Any thoughts at all?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- Um...there's probably nothing wrong at all.- Oh.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Josh, anything at all to contribute here?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37PATIENT COUGHING
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Hypochondriasis, could it be?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Er...this is just for the medical staff training, thank you, Sister.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44What I'm saying is that nobody has
0:07:44 > 0:07:47actually ever found anything wrong with her with any of these tests.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- Your point being?- Um...
0:07:49 > 0:07:53(Maybe a spell in the loony bin might be more appropriate.)
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Right, thank you, Sister.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Does this need to be on?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Sorry, Mr Loftus, if you don't mind, you are in danger of obstructing
0:07:58 > 0:08:00one of your precious patient pathways here.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02This lady could be very sick indeed.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Planning, patient. Patient, planning.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07If it doesn't need to be on, it needs to be off.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- OK, thank you very much.- Thank you.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Ooh, er...Sister, by the way, I've got Josh primed to take
0:08:16 > 0:08:18some photographic images this afternoon of suitable patients.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- I don't know anything about that. - I need to get consent forms signed.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25My vag-at research funding is in danger because I'm in a race against the Dutch,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28and I need to get these vulval specimens photographed ASAP.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30So, um...if that's all right?
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- Yes, fine.- Great, lovely. Thank you. Where to now?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Um...we'll go and see Mrs Lorna Tully.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Mrs Tully.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Yeah, we only need about five. Get...ask Miss Burgess.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Elaine you can ask. Don't ask Doris cos she's not all there.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Oh. I know. You could ask Mrs Dethick,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51cos she has been ripping off the NHS for years.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54So, she might be willing to give back, yeah?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57So, you're telling me I've got to ask her if she's willing
0:08:57 > 0:08:59to have her cherry pop photographed for medical prosperity?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01What is a cherry pop?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Well, what did your mum call yours? - I don't know. Laa-Laa, I think.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07It's better than a Po or a Tinky Winky, I suppose.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Right, I am on my break.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Yeah, just get them to sign page three, all right? All anonymous.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Cascading down to Bonjour for a hot chocolate, are you?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19No, I just need to...get a breath of fresh air or something.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22It's not just me who needs to do this, you know. It's important.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25(PANTING) And you. You!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Just because you're employed by Cerium doesn't mean you're exempt.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31(PANTING) If you see something on, switch it off.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32- Thank you.- Excuse me.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36HILARY PANTS
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- Oh, hello there, Mr Ferris.- Hello.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53So, is this the Rolls Royce of beds, then?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Ooh, yes, indeedy.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Did they send down any bariatric inco pads with him?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06No, I think they're expecting a delivery at three, yeah?
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Well, what's he meant to do till then? Poor sod!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Oh, Den, my 2,000-word essay title's come through.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- Yeah, what is it? - Ooh, I can't remember offhand.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Oh, Kim, you're going to have to remember a lot more than that
0:10:21 > 0:10:22if you want to be a doctor.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Do you want to have a look?
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Identify a knowledge deficit related to your area of practice,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31with reference to strategies you could utilise,
0:10:31 > 0:10:32eg, study models, skill...
0:10:32 > 0:10:36study skills, models of reflection and resources available,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39and describe how you would resolve this, and how you plan to use...
0:10:39 > 0:10:44utilise these aspects in your future learning and development.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45What's that mean?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Don't know. I thought you might be able to tell me.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Maybe it's just my nappy brain.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Oh, no, no.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21PIPPA: Oh, sorry, can you turn that back on, please?
0:11:21 > 0:11:26I have to get you to input your validated mentorship registration number.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- I haven't got one of those. Sorry. - Haven't you done the course?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- The mentorship course?- No, I haven't done a mentorship course.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37I just thought you wanted me to help you. I was just trying to be...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Oh, great, so now I haven't got a mentor.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Sorry. Well, what about Damaris? What about her? She's got...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Oh, God.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Megan. Megan's got loads and loads of qualifications.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Mm, I suppose that's slightly better. She owes me one, an' all.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00DOOR BUZZER
0:12:00 > 0:12:05Oh, look. Here comes Sigmund Freud for his morning cuppa.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Nigel! Hello! Hi!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Pippa. Sorry, I got your message about meeting for coffee.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- How are you? How is Sian? - I'm sorry, I haven't had a minute.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Gosh. Oh, hello.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Nice to see you again.- And you. Yes.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Yes, I'm working with the bariatric team on the psych side.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Right, yes.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Some of these people can be tipped over into depression.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Mm, yes, awful. Awful, yes.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Then, of course, the NHS wouldn't fund the plastic surgery.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35To get rid of the resulting, you know, extra folds of skin.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Folds. Gosh, yes, tragic. Tragic.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Fascinating area. But can be a bit of a bed blocker, can't it? But...
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Incidentally, did you know that, er...
0:12:44 > 0:12:49a new potato is half the calories of...of an ordinary potato?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- No, no, I didn't.- Yes.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57So, er...well, Stephen Ferris. Do you know where...?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Er...yes indeed. Yes, I'm sure Sister can point you in the right... Mm.
0:13:01 > 0:13:08Sister, do you want to show Dr Hoskins to the bariatric patient, please?
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Yes. Kim?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- Yeah?- Can you show the gastric bypass, please, to Dr Hoskins?- Sure.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Thank you.- Well...
0:13:14 > 0:13:19er...er...last week's jolly was fun, wasn't it?
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Yes. Yes, Glaxo certainly seem to know their way around their vodkas.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Don't they? Goodness.- Yes.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- Did you try the melon one? - No. No. Melon!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31It was quite delicious but I rather lost track after that.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34I've got a couple of blank moments myself.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- It's ready now.- Yes. Thank you.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41I do hope I...wasn't...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43that I didn't...
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Not a bit of it. No, no, you were...you're charming.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Ah, Mr Ferris, splendid.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54How are you? I'll, er... I'll catch you later, Pippa.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Sorry. Yes, of course. Yes, I'll...
0:13:57 > 0:14:00..If you want a, um...a coffee any time or...
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- Coffee. Yes, yes.- Yes.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04So, Mr Ferris,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08your pre-surgical psychological assessment for bariatric surgery
0:14:08 > 0:14:10has gone very well.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- So, it's an A-star(!)- A-star.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16We only have a small area of concern around your impulsive behaviour scores.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Yes, well, I've just asked the nurse here
0:14:19 > 0:14:21if she'd elope with me to Gretna Green.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22- I agreed.- Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Well, it's really more a method...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Oh, dear. Is this bed right? Or...or is the floor uneven?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- Shall I get sister to call Estates? - No, no.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34It's just rather odd.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36So, we'd like to put in place
0:14:36 > 0:14:40a post-operative psychological support programme
0:14:40 > 0:14:43to prevent you ignoring dietary restrictions
0:14:43 > 0:14:45and maybe eating solids way too soon.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I liquidised a Crunchie once.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- It was lovely.- Yes.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53But, er...the kind of thing we should be avoiding.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Yeah, well, we've tried 1,500 different combinations
0:14:56 > 0:14:57and none of them work,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00plus we've tried everyone on the ward's birthdays.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Thank you. I'd be very grateful.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Sister, can I see you in your office, please?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- Well, no, because I'm busy. - Den, please?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Oh, all right.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14DEN SIGHS
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Oh! Who put these on?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19- It's a bit dark.- Oh.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Can you turn it back on? I've got something to show you.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Yeah. I thought we were supposed to be keeping...
0:15:24 > 0:15:26No, turn 'em both on. It's...it's fine.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- That's better.- Yeah.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- What is it?- This is for you.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Open it.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I hope you like it.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47It was the best one they had in the shop. There was three options.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Oh, thanks so much! It's got 20...
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Thank you. That's... Thanks.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Listen, Den, no strings,
0:15:56 > 0:15:59but if you ever need anything, financial support,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02or just someone for the nipper to kick a ball around with.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Ooh, you're a doctor.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- I'm just about to start my training. - Oh, very impressive.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12You could take your own blood pressure, then?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Only if I was R2-D2.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19My doctorate is in robotics and intelligent machines.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Blimey, well, if you're that clever,
0:16:20 > 0:16:24maybe you can decipher my 2,000-word essay title?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Yeah, well, let me have a look at it.- Really?
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Got my laptop and a long weekend ahead. We can get to the bottom of it.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- Great. So, you'll help me? - Well, we're engaged, aren't we?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38It's just a shame you can't order in a Chinese meal for two.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41We can. I'll eat yours.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42HE SNORTS
0:16:42 > 0:16:44MACHINE WHIRRS
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Whatever it is, I don't want to know.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47OK.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Er...Josh. Right. Have you got some pics there? Let's have a look.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39CAMERA BEEPS
0:17:39 > 0:17:43No, that's good. Yes, that could do with a...a crop, though, if you...
0:17:43 > 0:17:45No, that's...
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Oh, these are rather washed out, aren't they?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Do you think...? Can we... Is there any mileage in auto-correct?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Is there anything you can...? No?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56All right. Well, er...sorry, Josh. I think you're going to have to do these again.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Um...all right? Jolly good!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Yes, looking...looking...you know.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09What kind of moron would think
0:18:09 > 0:18:12that a wooden coffee stirrer is infectious?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Oh, well, maybe someone with a cold licked it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Oh, Hils, er...
0:18:17 > 0:18:20you should just be observing for your skills mix review.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23You don't need to get involved in this wasters and losers programme.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26And you don't need to be holding that heavy bag.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Let me take that for you.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Oh. Thank you.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34And thanks for the baby's present. That was...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36That was nice of you, really nice of you.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I will never put you through a paternity test.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43You know that it is only, like, a 1% chance, don't you, that...
0:18:43 > 0:18:45that it could be yours?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47There's still a chance, though.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Let the children's laughter...
0:18:50 > 0:18:53..remind us how it used to be.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57DEN HUMS "The Greatest Love Of All"
0:18:59 > 0:19:03That sounds like foxes mating, Den.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05DEN HUMS
0:19:05 > 0:19:082,007. That's not bad.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Annapurna's already tipped over the 10,000.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Yeah, well, that's cos we've got Hilary up our arses.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I can't help thinking we're entering a minefield
0:19:16 > 0:19:18of health and safety implications with this new green initiative.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23Oh, I've put you both on the rota for the picket line on Thursday.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Den, I've got you down for 11.15,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29and Kim for the afternoon slot unless you can do all day?
0:19:29 > 0:19:33It'll probably be all right. I just have to sort out my Return To Study course.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- How's all that going?- All right. I just need to find a mentor now.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Well, you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Completed my mentorship model in '09.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I won't actually be able to do the picket now.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Why?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I can't stand. I'm pregnant.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Oh, no, you can have a chair if you want.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Well, I was thinking of using the time to get the baby buggy
0:19:51 > 0:19:53before I go on maternity leave, you know?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Yeah, but the reason you're entitled to maternity leave at all
0:19:56 > 0:20:01is because men and women have stood on picket lines for decades to give you that advantage.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Well, you wouldn't cross a picket line, would you, Kim?- No.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I'm not going to cross a picket line. I'm going to the shops.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- Oh, come off it, Den. Fair's fair. - Aiden is a small businessman.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12He doesn't get any kind of pension, so nothing's fair, is it?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Hansley doesn't even get sick pay, do you, Hansley?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20That's because Hansley is not allowed to join a union. Are you, Hansley?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Sorry.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38He must be the highest-paid binman in the NHS.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43Oh, God! Well, do you think Mrs Dethick's ready for her close-up?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Yeah, but it's not exactly going to be a Vogue cover, is it,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47the hanging bacon of Babylon?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- Oh, I think I'd better go and supervise Mario Testino.- OK.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- Hello.- Fancy a bit of exercise?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Oh, yes indeedy.- Righty-ho, then.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Always use the title of the essay in the opening sentence.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11So, it will be something like, er...
0:21:11 > 0:21:13"As a nurse practitioner,
0:21:13 > 0:21:17"I have identified a personal knowledge deficit in relation to..."
0:21:17 > 0:21:19So, er...in relation to what?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Um...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24wiping old ladies' bottoms?
0:21:24 > 0:21:29OK, "In relation to promoting optimal health
0:21:29 > 0:21:33"in the care of the elderly with complex and long-term conditions."
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- That's brilliant.- It's easy, really.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37PHONE RINGS
0:21:37 > 0:21:40It's not easy. Oh, excuse me. Hello.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43What? And you can't change it?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Are you sure?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47(Bum!)
0:21:58 > 0:21:59No.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01No, no. No.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03No. No, no, no.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05CAMERA CLICKS
0:22:08 > 0:22:10No.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14No. No, no, no, no.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16CAMERA CLICKS
0:22:16 > 0:22:18No.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21- Sorry, Mr Loftus.- No. Thank you.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24We're undertaking vital research here.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Hiya.- Want a finger?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Thanks, yeah. Um...look, I'm sorry about this, Megan.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42It's a bit awkward. I won't be able to, er...do the picket line.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44If I change my course day on the 24th,
0:22:44 > 0:22:48I'll have to wait six more months to complete my module.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51I'm really sorry.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53OK.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I hope you don't mind me saying
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I think that's short-sighted and selfish.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Oh, come on! I mean, I've spent my bloody life
0:23:01 > 0:23:04pleasing other people. This is for me.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I hope you enjoy cat food
0:23:06 > 0:23:08because that's all any of us will be able to afford when we retire.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12And by the way, you're going to have to find yourself a new mentor.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I'm over-committed. Sorry.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17SIGHS
0:23:25 > 0:23:28PHONE RINGS
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Jennifer, hi.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Yes.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Right. This isn't a 50/50 division of assets,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38this is an obliteration of them.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40So, you're telling me that he and that Michelle
0:23:40 > 0:23:44are entitled to carry on at the standard he's become accustomed to,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48courtesy of my pension, while I eke out my dotage on bread and water?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Well, plus ca fucking change!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53SHE SIGHS
0:23:55 > 0:23:57SHE SIGHS
0:23:57 > 0:24:00PHONE RINGS
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Blast!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Jennifer, sorry. I...I didn't...
0:24:04 > 0:24:10No, I do not want to buy handset insurance! Thank you very much!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Oh.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14- Thank you.- All right.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19SHE SIGHS
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Norris add-back.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Sorry, I... No, I don't think they do cashback in the hospital. Thank you.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28No, you...you need to request a Norris add-back argument.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Er...Norris versus Norris.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34If your husband has depleted the marital funds through profligate spending,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37then your legal team can argue to have the sum added back in,
0:24:37 > 0:24:38as if he still had it,
0:24:38 > 0:24:42otherwise your share is unfairly significantly diminished.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Well...are you sure? I mean, how do you know this?
0:24:46 > 0:24:50I have two law degrees from my own country and an LLB in the UK.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Oh.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I'll see you soon. Yes.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- Oh. Yeah.- OK.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10HE CLEARS THROAT
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Has, er...Dr Moore gone, do you know?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Er...not sure.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17It's just that I can confirm a diagnosis.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Text book case of hypochondriasis. - I told her that already.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Yeah, I'm surprised no-one picked it up from the EPR.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Well, EPR's broken, I'm afraid.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I'll get Mrs Dethick an appointment at, er...Denby Park.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Give the good doctor my best, won't you? Thank you.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37DOOR CLOSES
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- That's Dr Moore's discharge.- OK.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Mm, not to worry.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46No, I mean, maybe Sally in Renal is registered as a mentor.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Yeah, I think I'll do that.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49No.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- All right, thanks anyway.- Cheers.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54The only problem is, I think...
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Er...Kim?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I've done the mentorship module and I'm on the register.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- Can I help you at all?- Um...
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Oh, it's my fault. I'm so sorry, Kim.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I'm just such a dick, honestly.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Oh, come on. I'm sure we can sort this out between us.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10I'm up for it if you are, Kim.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Um...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I really don't mind.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Oh. Oh, OK, great. Thanks, Damaris.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Great.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Can I get you two a cup of tea?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Why not? I like mine milky. Thank you.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Yeah, can I have two sugars, actually? I might need the energy, you know.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Yes, of course.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33I mean, I suppose she's not going to be that bad.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37- She's hardly Elizabeth Bathory, is she?- Who's that?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Well, a sort of medieval vampire queen
0:26:39 > 0:26:42that used to kill virgins and drink their blood.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Ooh.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45All right?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to...
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I think I just need to go for a wazz.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- Hello.- Hello. Nice cup of tea. There you go.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24The wobble on this bed is still... Well, it's got worse, in fact.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25- You're joking? Really?- Yeah.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- No-one's been to fix it?- No.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- Let me give this a go.- Oh, well.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- How's that?- Brilliant.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- All right, enjoy your tea. See you later, yeah?- Tatty-bye.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55SHE SIGHS
0:28:32 > 0:28:34# Roll, river
0:28:35 > 0:28:38# Keep on rolling
0:28:40 > 0:28:42# Ancient lady
0:28:42 > 0:28:44# Cold
0:28:48 > 0:28:50# Roll, river
0:28:50 > 0:28:52# Roll. #