0:00:04 > 0:00:07# With your bombs and your bullets and your goings-on
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# I'm right, you're wrong
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Two-minute warning It won't be long
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# You can stay, but I'll be gone
0:00:14 > 0:00:16# Oh, marching season marching songs
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# Beating drums all summer long
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# Sun is out, weather's fine
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# Balaclavas on the line
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# She says that I says
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Why don't you give my head some...
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# She says that I says
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# Why don't you give my head some peace? #
0:00:35 > 0:00:40# I'm just an old-fashioned girl with an old-fashioned mind
0:00:40 > 0:00:43# Not sophisticated I'm the plain and simple kind
0:00:43 > 0:00:48# I want an old-fashioned house with an old-fashioned fence
0:00:48 > 0:00:51# And an old-fashioned millionaire
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# I like music by Bizet... #
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Oh, yous are back, are yous?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07We didn't go away, you know.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12It is all change now in 2016.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14The women have taken over.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Theresa May - Prime Minister.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Arlene Foster - First Minister.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Me...
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Well, I got new curtains.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Gerry, Gerry.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32For the last time, I do not have Jamie Bryson's mobile number!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Here, you. How do you delete contacts on this?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39But he's still the same.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Oh, talking to yourself now, are you?
0:01:42 > 0:01:46That's great. That'll help me get you committed.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I would love to be committed.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51It would get me away from you for a while.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Will you stop cleaning things?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Will you stop that?!
0:01:57 > 0:02:02Listen, Ma. I've actually got some very bad news.
0:02:02 > 0:02:09If this is about you not having long to live, don't worry, I can cope.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13No, but it's not about that. It's about our son, Cal.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I'm going to have to sack him.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16What?!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Cal has a job?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I've never seen him doing a day's work in his life.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27Well, it's up at the Assembly. Nobody does a day's work up there.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Cal is my Spad. Sorry - was.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32He can't be my political adviser any more.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37- Why not?- Oh, new Sinn Fein rules. No more jobs for the boys.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41When he says "the boys", he means the Ra.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Anyway, they're making me take this new political adviser.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Who's that?- Joe.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Joe something or other. DOOR OPENS
0:02:49 > 0:02:54Hello, Da. Oh, sorry, but you left your iPad in the car.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Was I supposed to see this photograph?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59I think it was meant for your doctor, yes?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I think, love, he's Photoshopped that!
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Well, thanks for bringing it back, Jo.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Jo?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13This is Jo?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Yes, I am Da's new Spad.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18He's told me all about you.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Has he now?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Anyway, Jo has a lot on...
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Yes, he told me you were his cleaning lady.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Cleaning lady?!
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Ah, you're right, everything above four foot nine is filthy.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Well, thanks for popping by, Jo.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37See you back at the office.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45- What?- How did you get a Spad from Poland?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47It's a Sinn Fein thing.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52We are anti-Brexit, showing European solidarity.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Well, I'm sure she doesn't want anything to do with your...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58solidarity.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Excuse me, Jo is highly experienced.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03She used to be Gerry Kelly's Spad.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- What happened? - Mrs Kelly saw her.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10And you are giving her Cal's job?
0:04:10 > 0:04:14How could you do that to my son?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Cal, my favourite child!
0:04:17 > 0:04:21The boy who makes me so proud!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Listen, don't be using the bog for a couple of days.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I left a floater in there and it's going nowhere fast.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34LOUD SINGING
0:04:34 > 0:04:36BOTH: # Your defence is terrified
0:04:36 > 0:04:38# Will Grigg's on fire
0:04:38 > 0:04:40# Your defence is terrified... #
0:04:40 > 0:04:42THEY LAUGH
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Yes, Pastor Begbie,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46it's the new Northern Ireland
0:04:46 > 0:04:49and Will Grigg is on fire.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51And it's not because of a petrol bomb.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56You're a Loyalist community worker
0:04:56 > 0:04:59who is actually doing some work in the Loyalist community.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04Indeed. Poor wee Mrs Bell needed her house painted, couldn't afford it,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06but we did it for her.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Yeah, but to be fair now,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I think she wanted her front room done magnolia,
0:05:11 > 0:05:16rather than have "UVF, No Surrender" painted above her mantelpiece.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Sure she was that happy, she gave us 200 quid.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Aye, that's only because you threatened to have next year's boney
0:05:22 > 0:05:24stuck outside her front door.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Oh, here, Pastor Begbie,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I want a word with you about that mural you painted last week.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- The what?- The mural.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Not with you.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37The big painting on the gable wall.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Oh, the Muriel.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43No, mural.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- Muriel.- Mural.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Muriel.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- All right, Muriel.- Why didn't you say that in the first place?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Big peeler and all, and you can't even speak the Queen's English!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56What's the matter with the Muriel?
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Well, apparently you got an EU grant to create a public work of art
0:06:00 > 0:06:03that would move away from paramilitary images
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- and promote peace.- Yes that's right, and we did that there.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11No, no, no, no. Your mura... Your Muriel is sectarian.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15No, it is not. It is dedicated to the great East Belfast writer
0:06:15 > 0:06:19CS Lewis, it is The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21And you tell me what is sectarian
0:06:21 > 0:06:24about The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Well, the lion's wearing a sash,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31the witch looks like Gerry Adams,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33and the wardrobe says,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36"You are now entering Protestant Narnia, Taigs beware!"
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I know. Brilliant, isn't it?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42WOMAN YELLS
0:06:42 > 0:06:44What is that noise?
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- It's Dympna.- She's not auditioning for The X Factor again, is she?
0:06:48 > 0:06:53She's still upset at Bake Off going to Channel 4!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55No, but it's her bake she's squealing about.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Oh, she's got this awful toothache.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- She is in agony.- Personally, I don't mind the sound.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Always nice to hear a Catholic in pain.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07PHONE RINGS
0:07:07 > 0:07:10You know, I would send her to the dentist, you know,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13but I'm skint and it's all your lot's fault.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15What are talking about?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Well, 2016 was pathetic!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19You know? Call that a marching season?
0:07:19 > 0:07:23There were no stand-offs, no confrontations, no riots.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26And Twaddell Avenue, it's been settled.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I got no overtime at all.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31All I got were the words every peeler hates to hear.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- What words? - "Passed off peacefully."
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Fer feck's sake!
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I'm getting me European Union money grant taken off me.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47- But why? - Because we voted for Brexit.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I can't believe you guys voted for Brexit.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Of course you did. I am a Unionist.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57So I wanted out of that union as quick as possible.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I wanted freedom, I wanted independence,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03so I voted Brexit.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Oh, look. Me Irish passport's arrived!
0:08:09 > 0:08:10What?!
0:08:12 > 0:08:16You lucky duck. How did you get yours before I got mine?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I got Da to sign me application form.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Always quicker with a Shinner.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30So hang on a second. You lot got Irish passports?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Of course! When I go to Spain,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I don't want them to muck about with my brew.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40What's Spanish for DLA?
0:08:41 > 0:08:45So, you voted for Brexit and you were getting EU grants. Smart!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Arlene said it would be all right.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Anyway, I'm not worried. I'm going to have to get a job.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54There's no need for that kind of talk.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57What's wrong with getting a job?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59That's what happened to Big Mervyn.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01He got a job.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03And now look at him.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Last I heard, he was in London,
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- running a very successful technology business.- Exactly!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10He's a disgrace!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13He's turned his back on his Protestant roots!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15He's dead to me.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16I never want to hear of Mervyn
0:09:16 > 0:09:20or see Mervyn ever again in my entire life.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Mervyn?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Andrew, I'm back!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS
0:09:30 > 0:09:32It is no use.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I still can't shift it.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I can't believe you're sacking me, on today of all days.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's my birthday!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- It's your birthday? - Of course it's my birthday!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Did you not even get me a cake?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Listen, son, I tried to get you a cake.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- Really?- Yes. I went into Ashers, right?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56And I says, "I want a cake with green, white and orange icing,
0:09:56 > 0:09:57"and the words,
0:09:57 > 0:10:01"'Happy 100th birthday, Easter Rising, Brits out.'"
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Tell you what, they're awful sensitive in there.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08And I'll bet you didn't even get me a present neither.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- Aye, I did. - Well, what did you get him?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I got him... I got...
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I got you three scratchcards.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Thanks.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21You didn't win anything, by the way.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Oh, I'm sick of this. You've ruined my life, you have.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Me?- You made me join the Republican movement.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32For years, I dedicated my life to the Republican struggle,
0:10:32 > 0:10:35and what did we achieve?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37The A5 to Derry?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Hardly a united Ireland, is it?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Ah, come on, nobody wants a united Ireland. You wouldn't want to be
0:10:41 > 0:10:45stuck with all them Southerners. You couldn't stand them.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50And when I had a chance of happiness with Tina, you ruined that, too.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I was only thinking of you, son.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59What are you doing with your clothes on?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Well, it's only our first date.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05No, there's a blanket man protest at The Busy Bee.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Come on! Let's go! Now!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14DOOR CLOSES
0:11:14 > 0:11:20In fairness to your da, son, you and Tina were never going to work out.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- Why not?- She was good-looking. - You're as bad as he is.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28I am not as bad as him. I am not the one who told Christine Bleakley
0:11:28 > 0:11:31to clear away off whenever she took a shine to you.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Wait, what? Christine Bleakley fancied me?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Christine Lampard now, son.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41She married Frank, the multimillionaire footballer,
0:11:41 > 0:11:45has houses in London, Los Angeles, New York.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49And Newtownards. Christine insisted on it.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Christine Bleakley fancied ME?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56She used to climb up the outside of the flats,
0:11:56 > 0:12:00just to get a wee look at you in through your bedroom window.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Your da?
0:12:02 > 0:12:06He had to take a hosepipe to her and he told her to clear away off
0:12:06 > 0:12:08and she'd never make anything of herself.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10And I was right.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Did you see Dancing On Ice?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16And when her and Frank...
0:12:16 > 0:12:18get it on...
0:12:18 > 0:12:21she screams your name.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Frank gets very upset.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28That's it! I'm finished with this family!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I'm going to make a brand-new life for myself.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Are you running away from home, son?
0:12:33 > 0:12:38- Yes.- Well, you're in your 40s, it's a bit late for that.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43Yous two will never, ever see me, ever, ever again.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Uh...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53You couldn't lend us a couple of quid for the bus?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Billy, did you get me a dentist like you promised?
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Look, I've spoken to this guy in Newry
0:13:01 > 0:13:03and he can see you in six weeks.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Am I going to have to use the hair straighteners on you again?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I'll sort it out! I'll sort it out!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Oh, Mervyn, it's great to see you!
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- Mwah!- Mwah!
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Dympna!
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Ah, you see what I mean?
0:13:17 > 0:13:22You spend a mere nine years in London and the next thing you know,
0:13:22 > 0:13:27mwah, mwah, you're hugging Fenians!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30For goodness' sake, Andy, listen to yourself.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32It's 2016.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Sectarianism is so last century.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37It's time for to move on.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40In London, we embrace diversity.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43In London, the lampposts don't even have flags on them.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Are they mad?
0:13:47 > 0:13:51I mean, how do they know if they're in a Protestant or a Catholic area?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Nobody cares. It's London!
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Oh, London! London! London, London!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Shut up about London!
0:14:00 > 0:14:04I never want to hear the word London ever again!
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Except for when you go to Derry.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16So, here, Mervyn, how long are you staying?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Just the one night, Dympna.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I have a meeting with the development people
0:14:20 > 0:14:24from Microsoft and the Google, first thing in the morning.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Oh, don't tell me, it's in London!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30No, actually, it's in Derry.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34I just came back here to see what I wasn't missing.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36My life has moved on, Andy.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40I'm just sad that yours hasn't.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42So long!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45No, Mervyn, you can't go like this. Stay and have a wee drink with us.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Thank you, Billy, but no. I have given up the drink.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Alcohol and Loyalism is not a good combination.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Billy's right, Mervyn.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Have one tinny with us, for old times' sake.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02No, thank you, I won't.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Oh, come on, Mervyn.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07It's just one wee tin of beer.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Well, all right!
0:15:10 > 0:15:16I mean, what harm can one wee tin of beer do?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20HE SCREAMS
0:15:20 > 0:15:23No surrender!
0:15:23 > 0:15:24I don't think he's going to make
0:15:24 > 0:15:25that meeting in Derry.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Londonderry!
0:15:28 > 0:15:33I've got the flag back flying up on City Hall!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36The best bit is he doesn't even know
0:15:36 > 0:15:37today's a designated day!
0:15:40 > 0:15:46Hey, Belfast! The future's bright cos the future is orange!
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Do you see that? That is a disgrace.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55That is nothing but a provocative sectarian display designed to offend
0:15:55 > 0:15:59the Nationalist people. And what is the PSNI doing about it?
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Nothing! I demand that you go up there and take that flag down
0:16:03 > 0:16:04right now.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12HE LAUGHS
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I can't do anything unless there's a breach of the peace.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- It is! - No, there's not.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Oh, slash.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Mervyn is just loudly and proudly
0:16:23 > 0:16:27expressing his sacred British culture.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40- Ma!- Oh, Dympna, Cal has been missing for a full week.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Oh, don't be worrying.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Sure, he's probably got lost playing Pokemon Go.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48No, he has vanished.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Here, your Billy's a cop. What's he doing about it?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Probably playing Pokemon Go, too.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Sure, Billy's useless.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02Couldn't even get a dentist for his long-suffering wife.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Your da has ruined everything.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06He ruined Cal's life.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08He's ruined my life.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Why don't you divorce him?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I'm Catholic. It's not allowed.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I would slit his throat whenever he was asleep,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20only it would ruin the new duvet.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Well, so, what are you going to do?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I'm going to change religion.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28My mind is completely open.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I could become a...
0:17:30 > 0:17:34a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Scientologist.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Or a Protestant.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I'm not that desperate!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43And anyway, I've actually made up my mind.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I found this lovely fella online.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Jihadi Mickey, you call him.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Jihadi Mickey?
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Yeah, he wants me to become a Muslim and go to the Middle East
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- and marry him.- Ma, the Middle East is full of terrorism
0:18:01 > 0:18:03and civil wars, air strikes.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Aye, but I would be getting away from your da for a while.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I wonder, is Jihadi Mickey good-looking?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Do you not know?
0:18:12 > 0:18:16No, well, you see, he always has had his balaclava on.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20And I do not want to make the same mistake I made 40 years ago.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- That's it, back away. Back away. - To me.- In you go.- To you.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29To me. Watch it. Watch it.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Easy.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Oh, I am knackered!
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Pastor Begbie, you can't have joined in and helped us?
0:18:42 > 0:18:46No, no, no, yous two are the manual labour, I'm the management.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51We've been carrying this thing for miles!
0:18:51 > 0:18:55It was your fault. You shouldn't have got us thrown off the bus.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I didn't like that bus anyway.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01All the passengers was giving us funny looks.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Especially when the body fell out of the coffin.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Ooh, the screams of them women,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09you'd think they'd never seen a dead body before.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Well, they have, just not on the top deck of the 42A
0:19:13 > 0:19:15going up the Newtownards Road.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Oh, God, if there wasn't somebody in that coffin already,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I'd jump in there myself for a wee lie-down.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Here, Pastor Begbie, why did you become an undertaker?
0:19:23 > 0:19:27I had to get a new job, and anyway, sure, I'm a natural at this here.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Sure, I've been at funerals for half of my life.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33But, like, did you have to open your funeral parlour in my front room?
0:19:33 > 0:19:38I wasn't going to open it in mine. Dead bodies give me the willies.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40So...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42who's in there?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Lenny Fat Boy Lennox.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Is that why the bucking thing's so heavy?
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- What killed that boy there was a frying pan.- Oh, right.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55All that cholesterol clogging up the arteries.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59No, somebody whacked him over the head with a frying pan.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00What?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Sconed him over the head with a frying pan
0:20:02 > 0:20:05and then, cool as you like, went and made himself an omelette
0:20:05 > 0:20:08and then just disappeared into the middle of the night.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- You mean there's a murderer amongst us?- It's East Belfast, Andy.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15There's dozens of them.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- Billy, what about ye?- Hey, Billy. - What the hell's that doing there?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22What doing where?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Why is there a coffin on my dining room table?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Well, we couldn't leave him on the floor.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Have a bit of respect for the dead, Billy.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Do you mean there's a body in there?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35What's he doing in there?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Well, not much, Billy.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43He's dead.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Yes, Billy, these are the last remains of...
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Lenny The Fat Boy Lennox.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Oh, here, I'm investigating his murder.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57- Have you made any progress?- Oh, aye, me and the lads down the station
0:20:57 > 0:21:01have come up with a great nickname. The Frying Pan Killer.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Inspired!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Here, nobody knows this but, apparently,
0:21:07 > 0:21:08after he brained Fat Boy,
0:21:08 > 0:21:13the killer sat down and made himself a cheese and onion omelette.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14With mushrooms.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17That's right. With mushrooms.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Ma!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Ma! I searched the Armalite and ballot box again,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25still no sign of Cal.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Ma!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40What the hell are you wearing that for?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I have converted to Islam.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44This is my burkini.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Well, if you were going to become a Muslim,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51why didn't you wear the full burka?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Then I wouldn't have to look at your face.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58I am going for a swim.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Aye, well, you'll not get into the Andytown Leisure Centre
0:22:00 > 0:22:02looking like that.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Did you know, in France, the burkini is banned?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08And in Millisle, it is compulsory.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I have just been talking online to my new boyfriend,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Jihadi Mickey.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Jihadi Mickey?
0:22:17 > 0:22:18He's in Damascus.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22No, he's in Damascus Street off the Ormeau Road, love.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28It's the internet, his real name's probably Mickey Muldoon.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32What the hell are you doing now?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35I'm taking a selfie for Mickey.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37He wants to see if I'm a virgin.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Are you sure about this?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45100% sure.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49This is the only religion that I could be a swimwear model.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53- Ma.- Mm.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I'm back, and guess what?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57You're a priest!
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Yeah, how did you know?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Oh, oh, my son a priest!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03It is a miracle!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Oh, thank you, God!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Wait a minute. I thought you were becoming a Muslim?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Ah, forget about that. Get me my rosary beads.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Wise up, he's not a priest.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16You have to study for years to become a priest.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Not no more, you don't.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20They're so desperate for priests now,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22all you have to do is fill in the application form,
0:23:22 > 0:23:26convince them you're not a Prod and give them a tenner.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Makes sense, you being a priest.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30I mean, let's be honest,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33celibacy's never been an issue for you, has it, son?
0:23:33 > 0:23:37Now I can devote my life entirely to God.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Oh, no!
0:23:39 > 0:23:42We've got the male version of Martina Purdy.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47This is so holy!
0:23:47 > 0:23:54I am surrounded by an atmosphere of spirituality and holiness!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Here, can you get me an annulment?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Well, I can try. What's your grounds?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Insanity.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I must have been mad to marry him.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I'm afraid we're going to need a wee bit more to go on than that, Ma.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11He's an ugly, bearded bastard?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- EMER:- Billy! Where's the dentist?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18He's coming here now. He'll be here in a minute.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20He's coming here?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Aye, I bumped into Red Hand Luke,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24and he knew this great dentist who's dirt cheap.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26He's coming here right now.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30EMER WAILS
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Oh, God, you hear that?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33I'm looking forward to going to work.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36EMER WAILS
0:24:36 > 0:24:39SHE CONTINUES WAILING
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Ah, will you shut up?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44You're a bigger screamer than Jamie Bryson!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46HE LAUGHS
0:24:46 > 0:24:48All right, Andy!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51APPLAUSE
0:24:51 > 0:24:52All right, Luke.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Now is not a convenient time,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57we're waiting for the dentist.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59ANDY GASPS
0:24:59 > 0:25:00It's me!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Red Hand Luke?
0:25:02 > 0:25:03You're a dentist?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Oh, aye. Send her down.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09You can't just operate on somebody, you need qualifications.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Relax, Andrew.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14I studied dentistry for years in the jail.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I must say, that's very forward thinking
0:25:17 > 0:25:19of the prison authorities, like,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23to provide training so that inmates can get a job or a profession
0:25:23 > 0:25:24on the outside.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Yeah, well, now, my training would be a little less formal than that.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33I mean, I mainly practised on cheeky screws, touts,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35and people that took too many turns on the pool table!
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Well, if it's all the same to you, I'll not hang around for this.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Yes, you will.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I'm going to need you for to hold her down.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Oh!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Oh, thank God you're here!
0:25:48 > 0:25:52My tooth is agony, pure agony!
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Have a seat, madam.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57I can promise you this will all be over in a few minutes.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Oh, please, just take the pain away!
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Don't worry, you're not going to feel a thing.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Now, which tooth is it?
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Oh, I'm not sure.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14You see, it's sore all up here.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I think we'll take them all out, just for safety.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Right, then.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I'm just going to start off with a little bit of drilling.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26DRILL WHIRS
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Oh, God, I hate that sound.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33Still, I suppose it sounds worse than it feels, eh?
0:26:33 > 0:26:34No, actually, it doesn't.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Right, I think we're good to go here.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39SHE WHIMPERS
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Are you not going to use an anaesthetic?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I always forget that bit.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51So what do you normally use, injections or gas?
0:26:51 > 0:26:55It's more of a general anaesthetic.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Right! Head back, love, just relax and count backwards from five.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Five, four...
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Your voice sounds awful familiar.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Just relax.
0:27:07 > 0:27:13Three... Ooh, if I need a filling, do you use mercury or quartz?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Polyfilla.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Two...
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Polyfilla?!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Andrew, are you all right?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Look what you have done, you silly cow.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29You've killed Andrew.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Just forgot my...
0:27:32 > 0:27:34What's going on here?
0:27:34 > 0:27:38You got Red Hand Luke to be my dentist!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Never mind all of that.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42She just killed Andrew!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45If I were you, I'd get that wiped for prints.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Och, it wasn't me, you dough-brain, it was Luke.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Luke's the frying pan killer!
0:27:53 > 0:27:54You're under arrest, Luke.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56You, you'll never take me alive.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- Don't make me shoot you, Luke. - I mean...
0:27:58 > 0:28:00you'll never be alive to take me...
0:28:02 > 0:28:05..cos I am never going back to the jail.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08Ow.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Oh, my God, Billy, look at Uncle Andy,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15he's turning blue!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18You'll have to do the kiss of life.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20No, it'll be all right.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Oh, for God's sake.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30He's definitely still alive, Billy.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Well, how do you know?
0:28:34 > 0:28:37He poked my tooth out with his tongue.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51It is wonderful having a son a priest.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55It is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59My life has been a trail of tears,
0:28:59 > 0:29:03a life of misery and torture,
0:29:03 > 0:29:07like a never-ending Stephen Nolan Show.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12And my son a priest.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Life is worth living again.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Ma, I've got something to tell you.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20Oh, my beautiful, wonderful boy.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22I'm not a priest no more.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25You stupid wee shite!
0:29:27 > 0:29:31You are nothing but an embarrassment.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35The day you were born I should have left you exposed
0:29:35 > 0:29:38on the top of Black Mountain, like the doctor said.
0:29:38 > 0:29:42No, no, Ma, you see, I'm not a priest no more because...
0:29:46 > 0:29:48- ..I'm a bishop. - SHE LAUGHS
0:29:48 > 0:29:51A bishop! My son is a bishop!
0:29:51 > 0:29:52Oh, Your Holiness, Your Worshipful,
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Your... Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Da! Da!
0:29:56 > 0:29:59There is a bishop in the house.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02Come in and kiss his ring.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Kiss his what?
0:30:07 > 0:30:09His ring.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Wise up, he's not a bishop.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13It takes years and years to become a bishop.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17Aye, well, Pat Buckley made me one at lunchtime, so there.
0:30:17 > 0:30:18Hello.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Tina?
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Can I have a word with you, Father Cal?
0:30:24 > 0:30:28I think you'll find it is Bishop Cal.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Here, you have to take me to the bingo.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31Why?
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Well, Loretta McBride will be there
0:30:34 > 0:30:36and she is always going on about her kids.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39"Oh, my Seamy passed the eleven-plus.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42"Brandy, he's got a job in Tesco's."
0:30:42 > 0:30:46Wait till I tell her that my son is a bucking bishop.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49She'll not know where to look.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51- Here, come on.- Oh, for God's sake.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57- DOOR CLOSES - So, you're a bishop now?
0:30:57 > 0:31:00- Yeah.- Oh, that makes things even more awkward.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Cal, will you marry me?
0:31:05 > 0:31:08- Marry you? - I know it's a big thing to ask.
0:31:08 > 0:31:09I mean, you're a bishop
0:31:09 > 0:31:11and we haven't seen each other for years,
0:31:11 > 0:31:13and then I just turn up out of the blue
0:31:13 > 0:31:16asking you to risk everything for me.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19I'll understand if you say no.
0:31:19 > 0:31:20Marry YOU?
0:31:20 > 0:31:23You don't have to tell me now.
0:31:23 > 0:31:24Sleep on it.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27I'll come back tomorrow and you can tell me then, OK?
0:31:29 > 0:31:32- PASTOR BEGBIE:- Another frying pan killing.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34You know he's up to 13 victims now.
0:31:34 > 0:31:35No, no, no, it's 11.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37I think you'll find there's been another two
0:31:37 > 0:31:40since the PSNI have been sitting on their arse.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42According to the papers,
0:31:42 > 0:31:45there was a spate of these frying pan killings a while back
0:31:45 > 0:31:49and then, suddenly, it stopped about nine years ago.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51Nine years ago?
0:31:51 > 0:31:53That's when I went to London.
0:31:53 > 0:31:54That's right.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58And then, inexplicably, they started up about two weeks ago.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01- That's when I came back. - HE LAUGHS
0:32:01 > 0:32:02What a coincidence!
0:32:03 > 0:32:07Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09- What?- It's Big Mervyn.
0:32:09 > 0:32:11- Mervyn what?- It's him.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13- Him what?- The frying pan killer.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15What about the frying pan killer?
0:32:15 > 0:32:19Oh, God, now I know why the PSNI cannot catch Jamie Dornan
0:32:19 > 0:32:20in The Fall.
0:32:21 > 0:32:25It's Big Mervyn, he's the frying pan killer.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27Wise up, he's no motive.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Really? Wait till you hear this.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33And his latest victim is wee Sandy Beadie.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36Aye? I always hated Sandy Beadie.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40He used to bully me at school, saying I was as thick as chump.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43Well, he'll not be saying that any more now, will he?
0:32:43 > 0:32:46Not with his head stoved in with the frying pan.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49HE LAUGHS
0:32:50 > 0:32:53What are yous all looking at me like that for?
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Mervyn, you're under...
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Oh, where is it?
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Oh, thanks. You're under arrest.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Dear Lord,
0:33:02 > 0:33:04guide me.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Help me to choose between right and wrong.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Do I stay with the Church?
0:33:09 > 0:33:12CHEERING
0:33:17 > 0:33:18Or marry Tina?
0:33:24 > 0:33:27Stay with the Church...
0:33:27 > 0:33:29CHEERING
0:33:39 > 0:33:41..or marry Tina?
0:33:51 > 0:33:53- TINA:- Cal? Cal?
0:33:53 > 0:33:56Sorry, Tina. He's been like this for ages.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59He is thinking holy thoughts.
0:34:01 > 0:34:02Cal?
0:34:06 > 0:34:09Yes, Tina, I will marry you.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Oh!
0:34:11 > 0:34:13I can't tell you how happy you've made me.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15And I can't tell you how happy you've made me.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17And Siobhan will be delighted.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20And Siobhan will be...
0:34:20 > 0:34:22Wait a minute, who the frig's Siobhan?
0:34:22 > 0:34:24My partner.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Uh, you're marrying us.
0:34:26 > 0:34:27Remember?
0:34:29 > 0:34:31You're marrying... Siobhan?
0:34:31 > 0:34:34Och, I know, same-sex marriages are against Church teaching,
0:34:34 > 0:34:36but it's 2016.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40It'll be legal here soon and I trusted you, Cal.
0:34:40 > 0:34:41I knew you'd help us out.
0:34:43 > 0:34:44Cal?
0:34:46 > 0:34:47Cal?
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Say something, Cal.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52Bah, faaaa!
0:34:52 > 0:34:55Frying pan killer, Big Mervin,
0:34:55 > 0:34:58I mean, it's inconceivable.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01You see, the murderer's left no evidence,
0:35:01 > 0:35:06he's baffled police and he's clearly...an evil genius,
0:35:06 > 0:35:09whereas Mervin is just as thick as a brick.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13You just never know what some people do, Andy.
0:35:13 > 0:35:17See, being around all this death, too, is making me terribly hungry.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Have you anything in your kitchen?
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Oh, aye, work away.
0:35:22 > 0:35:28Here, strange thing about all these frying pan murders...
0:35:28 > 0:35:29What's strange?
0:35:29 > 0:35:33Well, every one of the victims was known to you.
0:35:33 > 0:35:37Lucky for them to have me as a mate.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40And every one of them was found in their own homes, like,
0:35:40 > 0:35:43but there was no sign of forced entry.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46You'd think they knew who their attacker was.
0:35:46 > 0:35:47Mm-hm.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51Here, and you ended up doing all of the funerals.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Coincidence.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55And a couple of times, like,
0:35:55 > 0:35:58you were at the scene of the crime even before the peelers arrived.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02Yeah, you know what they say, Andy, the early bird catches the worm.
0:36:03 > 0:36:07Pastor Begbie, I've been thinking.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09I warned you about that before.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11You're going to give yourself a sore head.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13ANDY SCREAMS
0:36:13 > 0:36:15I'm not interrupting, am I?
0:36:15 > 0:36:19Billy! Billy, Billy, arrest him, he's the frying pan killer!
0:36:19 > 0:36:21He's the frying pan killer.
0:36:21 > 0:36:22Well, he can't be, it's Big Mervin.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24No, it's not, it's him.
0:36:25 > 0:36:26Why do you reckon that?
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Because he's a psychopath,
0:36:28 > 0:36:31and he's got a bloody big frying pan in his hand.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33Shoot him, Billy, shoot to kill.
0:36:33 > 0:36:34I can't shoot him, he's unarmed.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Don't worry, you're a cop, you can cover it up later.
0:36:39 > 0:36:43Shoot him, Billy, and then Taser him to make sure he's dead.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45PASTOR BEGBIE CHUCKLES
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Here, what's so funny?
0:36:47 > 0:36:51You think that I'm the frying pan killer?
0:36:51 > 0:36:52He is, Billy, he is.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55He crept up behind me with that big frying pan in his hand.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Yes, to see if you wanted
0:36:57 > 0:36:58some fish fingers.
0:37:00 > 0:37:04Fish fingers, Andy, that proves he can't be the frying pan killer.
0:37:04 > 0:37:05Well, how's that?
0:37:05 > 0:37:07Well, the frying pan killer doesn't make fish fingers,
0:37:07 > 0:37:09he always makes an omelette.
0:37:09 > 0:37:10Oh.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12Oh, dear.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16I think I may have made a wee bit of a faux pas.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18I'm so sorry, Pastor Begbie.
0:37:18 > 0:37:19I hope I didn't offend you
0:37:19 > 0:37:21by calling you a psychotic, blood-soaked maniac.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25Don't worry about it. Sure, I get that all the time.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27So, would you like some fish fingers?
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Yes, thank you.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32That's great, because you're completely out of eggs.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36HE WHIMPERS
0:37:36 > 0:37:40Are you definitely staying a bishop this time?
0:37:40 > 0:37:42100%, Ma.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44I've had my brush with temptation
0:37:44 > 0:37:47and I've made my decision and I'm going to stick by it.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Cal...
0:37:54 > 0:37:56I've left Frank.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58I cannot live without you.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01Will you marry me?
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Oh, for...sake.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:15 > 0:38:18# She says that I says
0:38:18 > 0:38:20# Why don't you give my head some...
0:38:20 > 0:38:22# She says that I says
0:38:22 > 0:38:25# Why don't you give my head some peace?
0:38:25 > 0:38:28# Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up
0:38:28 > 0:38:30# Give my head some peace
0:38:30 > 0:38:33- # Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up - Give my head some peace! #