0:00:13 > 0:00:18This is my favourite programme. I love the new Sherlock series.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Of course you love it. Because it's Indian!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Oh, don't start. No, no, no, not Sherlock?
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Come on, beta. It's obvious.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32He's not just a detective, he's a consultant - Indian.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35He lives above a shop - Indian.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37His best friend's a doctor, for God's sake!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39How much more Indian can you get?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Oh, come on.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45He's even played by a Bengali, Bhannerjit Kummurbund.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:51This is ridiculous!
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Not ridiculous. All TV detectives - Indian.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Rubbish! What about Hercule Poirot?
0:00:59 > 0:01:00He's from Belgium.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Originally Harpreet Pyaara from Belgaum, India.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- Stop it.- Not stop it.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Think about it, yaar, small chubby man, oils his moustache,
0:01:10 > 0:01:14speaks in a funny accent, because he's Gujurati.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Poirot's not Gujurati.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Think about his famous cases, beta.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Murgha on the Orient Express.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Death on the Nala.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29At the end of each one he gathers everybody together in one room
0:01:29 > 0:01:33and then blames somebody - typical Indian family get-together.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34I've had enough!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36You've been brainwashing me with this
0:01:36 > 0:01:39"everything comes from India" nonsense for the last 20 years.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I can't take it any more!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Beta, beta. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47You're right, not all of them are Indian.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52There was that one... small fellow, one eye, cigar, raincoat -
0:01:52 > 0:01:53"Just one more thing."
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Columbo.- Columbo.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Capital of Sri Lanka!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Oh, hello... Oh, it's you.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Hello, didn't see you there... festering in the corner.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Well, I'm surprised to see you too.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I thought you were dead.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19You wish.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Ah, no sign of your grandson today?
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Again?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Er...no.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Oh, can't be bothered to visit you?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Oh, the shame you must feel.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Shame?- Yes, having such an insensitive grandchild.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Oh, no, no, no, on the contrary,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42my grandson is SO sensitive, I never expect him to visit me.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45It would be far too painful for him.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46What?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Oh, yes. In fact he said he was so distraught at not being able
0:02:50 > 0:02:52to see his dadima every day,
0:02:52 > 0:02:57he didn't even go to university after finishing his Gap Yah.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Hai?- You heard me.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04In fact he said he was so emotionally exhausted
0:03:04 > 0:03:09after larging it in Goa, he said he was too baked and burned out
0:03:09 > 0:03:11on Special K to continue studying.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17You see, even too much breakfast cereal affects him.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20That's how sensitive MY grandson is.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Well, that is exactly why MY grandson can not visit me today.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Or any other day.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Because he missed me so much that he didn't even finish his Gap Yah.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- Aacha?- Oh, yes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33My poor bunti was so toasted
0:03:33 > 0:03:37and trashed after having to blow his father's hard-earned wonga
0:03:37 > 0:03:41on the boppers and the poppers to ease his pain, that he ended up
0:03:41 > 0:03:45having a big-time psychotic episode in Thailand
0:03:45 > 0:03:49where we had to send out a blinging VIP helicopter
0:03:49 > 0:03:52to emergency air lift him from Phuket!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55LAUGHTER
0:03:55 > 0:03:58That's how sensitive MY grandson is.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Is that so?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Oh, yes, I bet you are well jel, in't it?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Well, let me tell you how much my grandson misses me.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10After trashing the luxury wing at home specially built for him,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13too hamstered to even remember his own name,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16my little Bitoo was bitch-slapped all the way to the most
0:04:16 > 0:04:19expensive psychiatrist on Harley Street.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Aacha?- Oh, yes, of course.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24In fact he is so heartbroken at missing me,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26he's now on three kinds of antidepressants,
0:04:26 > 0:04:30has five sessions a week with his psychiatrist at £200 an hour
0:04:30 > 0:04:34and you know the only thing he wants to talk about when he's there?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35- What?- Me!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Oh, dear, no visitors again, ladies?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Shame. Some young people can be so thoughtless.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Of course, my grandson visits me every Sunday
0:04:47 > 0:04:49and we have tea and cake.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- Oh, is that so?- Oh, yes.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53He's a lovely boy.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Ah, well...
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- BOTH:- How big is his danda, huh?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01THEY CACKLE
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Fine wines for a beautiful lady.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Ooh! Are we having something expensive?
0:05:09 > 0:05:14How about some champagne? They say it's an aphrodisiac.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Although I wouldn't... Not on a first date.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Two glasses of tap water.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:25And the cheque, please.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29'Coming soon, the heart-warming tale of a family
0:05:29 > 0:05:32'whose kids were out of control.'
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Wait, please, give us a chance!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38That is the fifth au pair who's quit in a month.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- What are we going to do?- Pray?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Or put an ad in the Punjabi Times.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48'But then something magical happened,
0:05:48 > 0:05:53'or rather someone, blown into their lives by a mysterious wind.'
0:05:53 > 0:05:56LOUD FART
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Oh, hello. What is that smell?
0:06:04 > 0:06:08That is the smell of good old-fashioned Indian discipline.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12And yesterday's daal. Hat hat!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16'And so begins the adventure of a lifetime.'
0:06:16 > 0:06:21And this is your new, all-the-way-from-India authentic nanny.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Meet Scary Poppat!
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Hat hat!
0:06:27 > 0:06:31'With a toe-tapping soundtrack including the unforgettable
0:06:31 > 0:06:32'Thapard Round The Cakehole.'
0:06:32 > 0:06:38# Just a thapard round the cakehole makes the children shut up
0:06:38 > 0:06:42# The children shut u-up, the children shut up!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45# It never did us any harm! #
0:06:45 > 0:06:48'The hauntingly beautiful Clean The Bins.'
0:06:48 > 0:06:50# Clean the bins
0:06:50 > 0:06:53# Or get more of the same
0:06:53 > 0:06:56# Thapard, thapard
0:06:56 > 0:06:59# Thapard and pain
0:06:59 > 0:07:01# Thapard, thapard... #
0:07:01 > 0:07:05'And the show-stopping family favourite...'
0:07:18 > 0:07:22'And, of course, lovable Punjabi, Cockney chimney sweep,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25'Bertinda Singh.'
0:07:25 > 0:07:28I loves you, Scary Poppet!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33'Scary Poppet!
0:07:33 > 0:07:38'Because some people think the bad old days were the good old days!'
0:07:39 > 0:07:42RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I look down on him because I was born in Britain.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I am British.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53I look up to him because he is British.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57But I look down on him because he's an immigrant.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I am naturalised.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03You want taxi?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09My family came to this country from France in the 1670s.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12That makes me more British than them.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15My family came here from India in the 1970s.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19So I'm less British than him,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21but more British than him.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I just got here. You want taxi?
0:08:26 > 0:08:31So, when things go wrong in this country, I get to blame them.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34He gets to blame me.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37But I get to blame him.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42I'm off. Anybody want to buy taxi?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Recession hitting you hard?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58All those bills getting you down?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Can't keep up with your mortgage payments?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Then you need an accident.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07An accident?
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Yeeeessss.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13I-If you haven't been the victim of an accident that wasn't your fault
0:09:13 > 0:09:17then maybe you should be.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23Here at Lawyer Injuries 4U, we'll create an accident, just for you.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Need a new sofa?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Whiplash! £2,000!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Fancy a nice holiday?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Broken ankle, £10,000!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Of course, for complete peace of mind,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46why not try our severance package?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Whatever your money worries, however small,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Lawyer Injuries 4U can help.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00So if you want us to arrange an accident,
0:10:00 > 0:10:04call 020 7946 0864
0:10:04 > 0:10:05and ask for Jaswant.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09And if he's not there, don't leave a message!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Lawyer Injuries 4 U!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Remember what we always say.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16ALL: No pain, no gain!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Oh, no!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Listen, Esha, there's something I gotta tell you.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30You gotta get on that plane, preferably before it leaves.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32You're not coming, Ricky?
0:10:32 > 0:10:36No, I gotta stay here in Madrasablanca.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39No, Ricky, no. Last night we said...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41CLEARS THROAT
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Boarding pass, dikhao.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Is there a problem, officer?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Red stamp nayee lagee adithay!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51The man said I didn't need a stamp.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55No red stamp, flight cancelled!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Maybe this will make you forget about that stamp.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Ah, dikhao, red stamp.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Chalo, Chalo!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10But I want to stay here with you, Ricky.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13If you stay, nine chances out of ten, you'll wind up dead
0:11:13 > 0:11:17or worse, letting down your parents, you see.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20TRUMPET BLARES
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Madam?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24No, thank you. I've lost my appetite.
0:11:24 > 0:11:30Oh. Well, maybe we can find it again, with the help of Mr Peanuts!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I know, Master Samosa!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"Excuse me, is this snack bothering you?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:41"Oh, no, no bother, officer. He's my pal."
0:11:44 > 0:11:47You're really beginning to annoy me. Scram!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51TRUMPET BLARES
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I don't care if I never see another samosa again.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Don't talk like that, Esha. You've got to eat samosas.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow
0:12:00 > 0:12:02but soon and then for the rest of your life.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Samosa? Samosa?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Did you say samosa?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Oh Babuji, Bibiji, I haven't eaten for days!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13My arms are broken!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- We're trying to talk here. - I am so hungry.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Get lost!- Wait.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28But what about us?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30We'll always have Poona.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Please, Ricky, please! Why? Why do I have to go?
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Because you're being deported, sweetheart.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40That's what I've been trying to tell ya.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Here's looking at you, kid.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45No! No!
0:12:45 > 0:12:48SHE SOBS
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- Do I look all right? - Just sort out your caravanette.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08There. You're going to make the ideal candidate
0:13:08 > 0:13:11and I'm going to make the ideal candidate's wife.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- Oh, stop that for heaven's sake! - Spoilsport.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- I just don't want anything to go wrong.- Relax. It'll be fine.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Yooo hooo!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Surjeeta!
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Veeeena!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32St John and Vanessa, Dennis, you old...
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Of course, of course, of course.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Well, what on earth are the Kapoors doing here?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Pronounced Cooper!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Of course, Cooper.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46We're here for the interviews, aren't we?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Ha-ha, ha-ha. Interviewing, interviewing, interviewing.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55So what party will you be standing for? Conserwative?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Oh, no!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Labia?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Certainly not.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Literal Demoprat?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Don't be ridiculous.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Dennis is going to be the next parliamentary candidate
0:14:08 > 0:14:09for the UKIP.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13What? But... But he can't.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17I'm going to be the next parliamentary candidate for the UKIP.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I mean, what could be more English
0:14:19 > 0:14:21than representing the United Kingdom Independence Party
0:14:21 > 0:14:23in the Houses of the Parliament?
0:14:23 > 0:14:27And after all, we are English.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Yes, WE are.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31And Dennis loves his politics.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Oh-ho-ho! I doubt that.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Anybody know where the little boys' room is?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I think it's out of "order, order"!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Oh-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42It's not bloody funny!
0:14:42 > 0:14:47- I need to do a wee -wee.- Well, you'll just have to hold it in.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52Talking of holding it in, where do you stand on the EU?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54The Ee-ew?
0:14:54 > 0:14:59The Eee-yuropeanunion!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- I think we should come out.- So do we.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Yes. We British must preserve our sovereignty.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- Can't let Johnny Foreigner tell us what to do.- Exactly.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- And I hate Brussels.- Me too.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Never liked broccoli either.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Look, you cannot be the UKIP candidate,
0:15:16 > 0:15:17and that's all there is to it.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Yeah, I think that's up to the selection committee.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- Next, please.- Oh, yes, that's us!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Oh, no, I don't think so. - Oh, I do think so.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- Yes. Must be.- No, no, no, I'm looking for a Dennis Cooper.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31BOTH: What?!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Oh! Yes! Coo-ee! That is us! Dennis Cooper.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- You?- Yes.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Dennis, it's time you showed them your credentials.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40RUNNING WATER
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Dennis?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Dennis!
0:15:46 > 0:15:52Honestly, I was just seeing if it needed a watering!
0:15:52 > 0:15:53It's your turn.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Ah. Returning, turning, turning...
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Yes, old bean?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01You're Dennis Cooper?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I am, and this is my good friend...
0:16:03 > 0:16:06St John Robinson. How do you do?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09And you both want to represent the UK Independence Party?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- Rather.- I should coco.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Well, that's fantastic!
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Ooh, it is, isn't it?
0:16:15 > 0:16:20Absolutely. People are always trying to portray us as the racist party.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23So having someone of your... ethnicity as a candidate
0:16:23 > 0:16:25would be a real feather in our cap.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33I'm not sure I'm quite with you, old fruity.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Here at UKIP we welcome all sorts into our midst -
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Afro-Caribbeans...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Jews...
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Even Asians.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Well, I don't like the sound of that.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Me neither. Let's go, darling.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Yes. Maybe we'll try the BNP.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Mmm! BNP...P...P...
0:16:55 > 0:16:59If you could change one thing about you, what would it be?
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Hmm. Probably my nose. I've always hated it.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07What about you?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Well, I would give you bigger tits for a start.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Then I'd...
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Cheque, please!
0:17:17 > 0:17:19So this is the iPad Air.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- I mean, it's pretty special, I think you'll agree.- Oh, wow!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Yeah. You got your A7 chip in there
0:17:24 > 0:17:26giving you totally killer performance,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29and all in something that weighs less than half a kilo.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- It's really nice. - It is really nice.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33What's really nice?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- Mum!- It's the new iPad, madam.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Oh, aacha.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39It's a tablet, Mum.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42It's a cross between a laptop and a smartphone.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I'm thinking of getting one.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45I see.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46How much is it?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48This particular one is 499.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Four... How much?
0:17:52 > 0:17:57What is wrong with you? Huh? Why you wasting all your money here
0:17:57 > 0:17:59when I can make it at home for nothing!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Mum! You can't make an iPad at home.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Of course I can.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09All I need is a circuit board, a couple of food processors,
0:18:09 > 0:18:13uh, onion, cumin, haldi...
0:18:13 > 0:18:17and a small aubergine.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Mum. You can't make a tablet computer out of an aubergine.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24It's ridiculous.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26An aubergine is ridiculous?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29But buying an Apple for £10 million...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- It's actually 499.- You shut up!
0:18:32 > 0:18:34It only weighs half a kilo!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Half a kilo?
0:18:36 > 0:18:41Do you know how many kilos of aubergines I can buy for 499?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42CRASHING
0:18:42 > 0:18:47Mum, this is the modern world. Technology. Not like the old days.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Well, that's rubbish. It's all the same.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Laptops, computer, smarty phones -
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I can make them all at home for nothing!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Now come on, we're leaving.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57I'm sorry about this.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59PHONE RINGS
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Oh...
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Hello?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13SITAR PLAYS
0:19:13 > 0:19:15HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:19:16 > 0:19:18HAND-CYMBAL CLINKS
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I am the Guru Maharishi Yogi...
0:19:21 > 0:19:26..bringing enlightenment to you spiritually constipated westerners
0:19:26 > 0:19:30straining on the toilet of ignorance with the light bulb missing.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38Now, in these modern times of social networking and really big tellies,
0:19:38 > 0:19:45I bring you my webcast entitled There's No Place Like Om.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Coming to you live from this cupboard...
0:19:50 > 0:19:53from my temporary ashram
0:19:53 > 0:19:57in the Ecuadorian Embassy, where I am currently enjoying a two-year holiday...
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Now let us take a question from my website.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04"Do you wish to enlarge your pe..."
0:20:06 > 0:20:09SKYPE RINGTONE
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Ah! We have a video call coming in
0:20:11 > 0:20:15on the Skypie, from...SexySam42.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Oh, I can't wait to see what she looks like.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Ah! What the...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Are you a man or woman?
0:20:24 > 0:20:25'I'm a man!'
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Thank God. Right, what do you want?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30'Well, I wanted to ask about The Ramayana.'
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Right. Well, it's, er...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35It's a holy book,
0:20:35 > 0:20:41a series of holy books, in fact, with gods and demons and celestial magic.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44HAND-CYMBAL CLINKS
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Once, there was a little boy called Hari...
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Puttar...
0:20:49 > 0:20:53and very sad, you know, his parents had died and he was all alone. Aww.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57And he always wondered, "What is my purpose in the life?"
0:20:57 > 0:21:02But the gods, they knew young Hari was no ordinary boy
0:21:02 > 0:21:05because the Demon King, whose name could never be said out loud
0:21:05 > 0:21:08because it was really complicated, you know, like a South Indian name
0:21:08 > 0:21:10like Uttapparramparam or suchlike
0:21:10 > 0:21:13and he wanted to kill young Hari Puttar.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18At God School did Hari's teacher, the great...Dhumbaladore Singh
0:21:18 > 0:21:21said to him in the ancient Sanskrit...
0:21:21 > 0:21:22HAND-CYMBAL CLINKS
0:21:24 > 0:21:27"Gerrard Coutinho ya Flanagan...
0:21:29 > 0:21:32.."Suarez Expecto patronum."
0:21:32 > 0:21:33HAND-CYMBAL CLINKS
0:21:33 > 0:21:35And this is meaning,
0:21:35 > 0:21:40"You must face your fears, Hari,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"you must face your fears."
0:21:42 > 0:21:45He did it just like that as well, just like that.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47And then they did great battle
0:21:47 > 0:21:50and defeated the evil Demon King, Voldem...attraputram
0:21:50 > 0:21:52and they saved Hydrabad.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54'That doesn't sound right.'
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Oh, connection dropped, so sorry.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Time for Twitter meditation in 140 characters or less. Om!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05OK, OK, settle down, settle down. Now, first things first.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08The circulation figures are in, and we are the number one.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- Great!- Yay!
0:22:10 > 0:22:14India's most popular newspaper is officially The Delhi Mail.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Get in!- We are the number one, we are the number one!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18All right, don't get carried away.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Let's not forget how we got to number one.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- By reporting the news?- And...?
0:22:23 > 0:22:27By pandering to the worst fears and prejudices of our readers.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Which means?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30ALL: Demonising foreigners!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Very good! Now, what have we got for tomorrow's paper?- Oh!- Aacha!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I've got something on the economy.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- Right.- There has been an 8% growth in tourism,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40mostly from the UK and America.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Aha! So we go with...
0:22:42 > 0:22:46"Country Swamped by White Invaders!"
0:22:46 > 0:22:51Ooh! "India Buried Under Pasty Blanket of Lazy Freeloaders."
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Very good. Very good. Love it.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56But we need quotes. We need the personal angle.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00"I'm surrounded by them and there's more arriving every day," says hotel owner.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Brilliant. OK. Get me pictures of a couple of fat ones in Speedos
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- and we'll stick it on page three. - Yes, boss!
0:23:07 > 0:23:08OK, what else?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10A woman had a baby at the airport.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11And...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- She's a white English woman.- So...
0:23:15 > 0:23:19"Evil White Slaver Smuggles a Baby Hidden In Her Womb."
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Boom! That's what I'm talking about.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24OK. What about sports?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- The IPL cricket is starting soon. - Right. What's the angle?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28There's a lot of white players.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31That's right. I'm sick of these Gavin Hit-a-Balls coming over
0:23:31 > 0:23:33and taking the sports meant for good Indian boys.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37"Keep Cricket Indian. Whites Are For Wearing, Not Playing."
0:23:37 > 0:23:39That's the back page sorted.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Sorry, can I say something?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Oh. Right. Everybody, this is, uh...
0:23:48 > 0:23:51..Sa-teve.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53He's on the ethnic minorities scheme.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Oh! In that case, we'll have three teas and a coffee, please!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01THEY LAUGH
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Yeah, that's very funny, but look, it seems to me
0:24:04 > 0:24:06that by portraying all white people
0:24:06 > 0:24:09as being feckless, greedy, immoral scroungers,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12you might just be being a little bit racist.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Ooh!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17I'm sorry, you're demonising us. You're turning us into hate figures.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18What's your point, Sateve?
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Surely having white people coming to India is a good thing.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26How?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Well, like you said, there's the tourism for a start.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Yeah, you say they're tourists,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32but loads of them come here and then they never leave.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36They go to an area, completely take it over and change its character!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38You can go to a beach in Goa today
0:24:38 > 0:24:41and you'll be lucky to even see a brown face.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44They don't integrate. They never bother to learn the language.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48And they want to hold on to their own "customs and traditions".
0:24:48 > 0:24:51You know, they wipe their bottoms using only paper.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- Eugh!- OMG!
0:24:53 > 0:24:58- I mean, it doesn't get rid of it, it just spreads it all around!- Yes!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Well, it doesn't, but look, this is totally outrageous.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07By peddling this relentless diet of hatred and lies,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09and blaming us for anything you don't like,
0:25:09 > 0:25:13you're distracting people from the real issues facing India today.
0:25:13 > 0:25:18I see. So what do you suggest we cover, Sateve?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Well, how about the fact homosexuality has just been recriminalized?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- Quite right too.- What?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Yes. It's disgusting. It's something else we got from you English
0:25:26 > 0:25:29with your loose morals and perverted practices.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- Dirty!- They're all whoopsies.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Is that right? Well, you might be surprised to learn
0:25:34 > 0:25:38that the law criminalising homosexuality in India was brought in
0:25:38 > 0:25:40by the British in the 19th century.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42What? This is appalling!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Exactly.- We can't have foreigners coming over here
0:25:45 > 0:25:48and imposing their weird religious views on decent Indian gays.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50No!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52They're taking us back to the Middle Ages!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Next thing you know we'll have the Archbishop of Canterbury
0:25:55 > 0:25:58telling us what we can do and who we can do it with.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Hey, whitey! Hands off our homos!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- That's our front page!- Brilliant!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Do you exfoliate?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Do you?
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Yeah, every day.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16RELIEVED SIGH
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Me too.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19What do you use?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Usually a picture of Carol Vorderman and an old football sock.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Wait a minute, what does exfoliate mean?
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Ah. Cheque, please!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33MUSIC A LA "BLURRED LINES"
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Everybody wake up!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37# Hoi, hoi, hoi!
0:26:37 > 0:26:38# Hoi, hoi, hoi!
0:26:38 > 0:26:39# Brrr-aaa!
0:26:39 > 0:26:43# If I don't get myself a girl tonight
0:26:43 > 0:26:47# It's cos my chaddies are a bit too tight
0:26:47 > 0:26:50# It's totally in the bag
0:26:50 > 0:26:52They're hens and I'm the stag
0:26:52 > 0:26:54# Just want to get a shag
0:26:54 > 0:26:55GOAT BAAS
0:26:56 > 0:26:59# OK, now here's the deal
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- # We're all domesticated - A-ho!
0:27:01 > 0:27:05- # But men need variety, you know it's in our nature.- Rrr!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- # And here's the bit that's sweet - Hoi hoi!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09- # If girls are on the street - A-ha!
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- # That means they're up for it - Hoi hoi!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# You shouldn't be out if you're a
0:27:13 > 0:27:14# Good girl!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# I know you want it
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# You know you want it
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# We know you want it
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- # Must be a - Bad girl
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# You're out on your own
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# Without a husband
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- # And wearing make-up - I hate those
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# Blurred lines!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# We thought you want it
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# I know I want it
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# But we don't want it
0:27:36 > 0:27:38- # So you're a - Good girl?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40# It's so confusing
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# And also bruising
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# Let's just keep cruising
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# You call us goddess
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# Try to domesticate us
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# Say we are sacred, then grope us on the night bus
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- # Get rid of girl babies - Shame shame
0:27:55 > 0:27:57- # Sell us off with dowries - Blame blame
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# It's like the '70s
0:27:59 > 0:28:00# Listen to me, there's no
0:28:00 > 0:28:02# Blurred lines!
0:28:02 > 0:28:04- # Do you have a sister - You what?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- # Do you have a mother - Watch it!
0:28:07 > 0:28:08# Do you think they want to
0:28:08 > 0:28:10# Disrespect girls
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# This gropey-grabby
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# It's not so classy
0:28:14 > 0:28:16# When it's your Masi. #
0:28:16 > 0:28:20# One thing I ask of you, don't tell our wives we've been boozing since half past two.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Feeling sick, is it any wonder?
0:28:22 > 0:28:24# Left a trail of chunder from here to Jullundhur
0:28:24 > 0:28:26# Free your mind, intercept...
0:28:26 > 0:28:28# Instead of macho crap try a bit of respect
0:28:28 > 0:28:30# Teach your sons, it's a new world
0:28:30 > 0:28:33# Cos every one of you came out of a girl. #
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- Bleurgh! - # There are no Blurred Lines
0:28:36 > 0:28:40# It's very simple, don't touch my dimples
0:28:40 > 0:28:42# Just read the symbols
0:28:42 > 0:28:44# No blurred lines
0:28:44 > 0:28:46# You say you want it
0:28:46 > 0:28:49# Or you don't want it.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51# At last they've got it. #
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Goodness gracious me!