0:00:02 > 0:00:03India.
0:00:03 > 0:00:06The very name conjures up so much.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09A land of contrasts and extremes.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12The riches, the poverty.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15The mountains and the desert.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19The modern and the ancient.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26It's India. We get it.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29I'm Art Malik.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31I knew it! Mee-ow!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- Goodness gracious me!- Indian.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Hello, everyone. Hope I haven't kept you waiting.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49- No, no, no.- Not at all.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51- Everyone got coffee?- Erm...
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Good. So, here we go.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Right, the latest viewing figures are in, yeah?
0:00:55 > 0:00:59And we have a 20 share with a 65 reach and AI's in the low 80s.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02That means we're the best.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03THEY CHEER
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Right, let's, er, talk about our top three rated shows.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I'm A Gujarati, Get Me Out Of Here...
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Sardars In Their Eyes...
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Tonight, Harry, I'm going to be Mr Singh.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20..and our Islamic fundamentalist reality show,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Strictly No Dancing.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Plus, starting next Sunday, it is our lavish, new costume drama...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Brownton Abbey.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Sorry, sorry, can I say something, please?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Everyone, this is, er...
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Sa-tee-vah.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- He's our new head of diversity. - Oh, God.- Oh.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Hey. You know I take the issue of diversity very seriously, OK?
0:01:47 > 0:01:51It's very important to me, so please, er, continue, Dave.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- No, it's... Sorry, it's Steve. - Why, what did I say?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Never mind.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Well, hi, everyone, thanks for having me in.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Look, it's my feeling that there are probably enough
0:02:01 > 0:02:03reality shows on TV already,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06so how about some programmes which reflect a wider worldview?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Sorry, hello? Hello?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Oi, pay attention, everyone. Er, like, like what, Stanley?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Well...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19how about having an English season?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- THEY GROAN - Here we go.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I love it.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- Er, me too!- Great idea.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31OK, so come on, ideas, everyone. Come on, come on, come on. Ideas...
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- OK, you! - HE STUTTERS
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Something about the railways?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Railways.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- How about you? - Oh, ah, oh, what about, erm...
0:02:43 > 0:02:46The Wonders Of England?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Travelling from East to West, Tower of London, Madame Tussauds...
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Southall?
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Or maybe just Southall?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Ah!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00How about a 24-hour live broadcast
0:03:00 > 0:03:04where we see a snapshot of the real English life?
0:03:04 > 0:03:05What were you thinking?
0:03:05 > 0:03:06A corner shop...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10..in Wolverhampting!
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Ah!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant. - Now hang on.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Oh, for goodness' sake, what is it now, Stuart?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I'm sorry, but you're clearly not taking this
0:03:18 > 0:03:20whole issue of diversity seriously.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Of course we are. Come on. What are you talking about?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I'm going to have to insist on a series of representation targets
0:03:25 > 0:03:29and quotas with proper penalties for anyone who fails to comply.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33OK.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38What about a series...on the great English luxury hotels?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- I don't really see how that... - Ah-ch-ch-ch!
0:03:41 > 0:03:46Presented by a real English man,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48with a generous expense account,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51like, say, our new head of diversity.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Unless, of course, you're really busy with all the quotas, Sean?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57No, that sounds absolutely perfect!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- CHEERING - That's the one, let's do that.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I'm going to be on TV! CHEERING
0:04:03 > 0:04:0630 years after Richard Attenborough's portrayal
0:04:06 > 0:04:10of the life of the Mahatma comes an extraordinary reimagining.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14He was a man with a mission.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18A man who couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, until he'd achieved his goal.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Columbia Pictures proudly presents a Martin Scorsese film.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27NEW YORK ACCENT: You talking to me?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Excuse me, are you talking to me?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32You must be. There ain't nobody else here.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Gandhi, one man's descent into madras.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47I don't know why we're inviting an English man around here anyway.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51I hear they're very smelly, horrid people.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52This one wants to trade with us.
0:04:52 > 0:04:57Yes, but we have precious stones, spices, silks, tea.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- What have they got?- I know, I know.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01GONG CHIMES
0:05:01 > 0:05:02This must be him now.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Dinesh Kapoor, Maharajah of Chigwellipur.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Yoo-hoo!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Maharajah Surjit.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21You know the Maharani, of course.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Charmed.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Have you met Sashi?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28My little porcupine.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I think you mean concubine, my lord.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35HE LAUGHS
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Porcupine, concubine, what is the difference?
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Well, one of them has got 1,000 little pricks.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45And the other one is a porcupine.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Well, lovely to... What do you want?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Well, Maharajah Dinesh received a letter
0:05:54 > 0:05:57from a Mr Clive of the India inviting us here.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I think he wants to trade with u-u-us!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I think you've made a mista-ake.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06He's coming here to trade with us.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Wait a minute...
0:06:08 > 0:06:12You don't think he's trying the old divide and rule?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I have no idea.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Arithmetic was never my strong point.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I'm more of the sporty type.
0:06:22 > 0:06:28Hm, and what is that, combat or swordplay?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Ping pong, actually.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I think we should be mindful, the British are expanding in India,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37and we Indians need to stick together.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38GONG CHIMES
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Major General Sir Robert Clive of the East India Company.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Welcome, welcome to my humble...largest palace in India.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53How do you do? I brought you this.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- Oh, and what is that?- It's wine.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Oh, we've never had wine before.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I like it.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Give me the bottle, whitey.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11You mentioned something about
0:07:11 > 0:07:13wanting to trade with us in your letter.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Well, the East India Company is
0:07:14 > 0:07:17looking for a partner in this part of the world.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21In exchange for spices, silks and tea,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- we could offer you some of our British exports.- Oh, such as?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Woolly hats...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28the latest weaponry...
0:07:28 > 0:07:29syphilis.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Oooh!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34We're in!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37If he's signing with anyone, he's signing with us.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Why you?
0:07:38 > 0:07:43Because...we are...more of the British than you.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45How so?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Er, our home is a castle,
0:07:48 > 0:07:53we hate the French, and Dinesh only has a bath once every three months.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Whether I need it not.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Yeah, but you didn't bring a bottle, did you? Eh?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Bloody stingy bastard.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Oh, please. I would hate to cause any trouble.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I'm sure that Maharajah Kapoor...
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Ah, pronounced...
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Cooper!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Yes, that's us. He is Den...
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Denis, and I'm Charlotte Cooper.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Right, of course.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27And Maharajah Rabindranath...
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Robinson!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Sinjin... Vanessa.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Well, I'm sure both of you have a lot to offer.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Now, look here, India.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41We'll give you 200 camels, 47 elephants and all the spices,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43silks and sandalwood you can eat.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48I double whatever he says and 12 tonnes more of tea,
0:08:48 > 0:08:51and the use of my porcupine on Sundays.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Well, I have actually got a pair of contracts right here,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57and, as it happens, two pens.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Give me, give me.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- Ha-ha!- Ha-ha!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04No, you can keep those.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Ooh, what's next, what's next?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Well, for a start, you can all bugger off.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Huh?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14This is my palace now.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17HE CURSES
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Or, as the English would say...
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Oh, bollocks.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24DOG BARKS
0:09:28 > 0:09:29BELL RINGS
0:09:34 > 0:09:36BELL RINGS
0:09:38 > 0:09:39HE FARTS
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I'd give it five minutes.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46BELL RINGS
0:09:48 > 0:09:50DOG GROWLS, HE GRUMBLES
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Oh, I do hope you're not bored, my dear.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Don't worry, if we're lucky,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02we might get Granny to amuse us
0:10:02 > 0:10:04with one of her hilarious, witty put-downs.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07Granny, darling.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10What do you think of the delicious almond burfi?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Oh, where's the- BLEEP- cook?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- I'll kill the stupid- BLEEP- bitch.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15- BLEEP- waste of space.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- Stupid- BLEEP.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18BANG!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Wise and wonderful words as always from Granny.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25You know, I have a funny feeling
0:10:25 > 0:10:28there may be war and bloodshed soon.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Oh, for- BLEEP'S- sake, not again.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34LOUD MUSIC
0:10:36 > 0:10:38CLOUD SCREECHES HANDBRAKE CLICKS
0:10:38 > 0:10:39CLOUD REVERSES
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Excuse me,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44you don't happen to know where the...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Oh, God, it's you.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47God-ESS, if you don't mind.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- So.- So what are you doing here?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Oh, haven't you heard?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I've applied to become a DEITY.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56SHE CHUCKLES
0:10:56 > 0:10:58You?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- What's so amusing?- Oh, nothing.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02It's just I heard that you'd been reincarnated
0:11:02 > 0:11:04as a widemouthed frog.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Funny, I heard you'd been reincarnated
0:11:08 > 0:11:10as an asthmatic warthog...
0:11:11 > 0:11:13..which would have been a promotion.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Yes. So we're both applying.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Yes.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19And there's only one place available.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Yeah.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Well, of course, I have been blessed with my six arms.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Oh, six is it?
0:11:26 > 0:11:27I hadn't noticed.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I thought it was back fat.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32So...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34How many worshippers have you got?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh, wait, let me see...
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Yes, that is...
0:11:40 > 0:11:42er, home...
0:11:42 > 0:11:43funny cat videos...
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Oh, yes, worshippers.
0:11:44 > 0:11:472,003,001.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I've got over 40 million worshippers,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52only two more before I get my blue tick.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Bugger.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58And look at what they've offered me.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59SHE CHUCKLES
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Mangoes and flowers.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Ya, bargain basement, ha.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- Is that so? Oh, yes.- Why, look.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Only last week my followers gave me...
0:12:09 > 0:12:10CLEARS THROAT
0:12:10 > 0:12:12..a lorry load of laddus,
0:12:12 > 0:12:131,000 chickens,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16eight Gucci Tucci diamond-studded saris
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- and... - SHE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY
0:12:18 > 0:12:20..the latest One Direction DVD.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Well, do you know how much my worshippers love me?
0:12:23 > 0:12:245,000 of them have decided
0:12:24 > 0:12:26that they don't want their OWN religion any more.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28They're going to start a NEW religion
0:12:28 > 0:12:30where they will give me all their money and their possessions,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32give me their firstborn child
0:12:32 > 0:12:35and then they will spend 24 hours a day naked
0:12:35 > 0:12:38sitting in a hall, chanting the name of their one true God...
0:12:38 > 0:12:39SCREECHING: ME!
0:12:41 > 0:12:44THUNDER ROARS
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Silence!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47We have made our decision.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50The next verified deity will be...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Miturundundun munissisen!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56CLOUD SCREECHES
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Him?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01BOTH: How big is his dunda?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06THUNDERBOLT SCREAMING
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Big enough.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10MUSIC: Django's Tiger by Django Reinhardt
0:13:13 > 0:13:15CHANTING
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Mr Gandhi!
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Mr Gandhi.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21What do you think of Western civilisation?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I think it would be a good idea.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24I'm sorry, I'm late.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27The march was only meant to be a few people and some satirists,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29but the moment someone says free salt,
0:13:29 > 0:13:30the world and his mother turn up.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Get him!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44It's come to my attention that one of my daughters
0:13:44 > 0:13:47wishes to marry a low caste rickshaw wallah.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48What I need to know is...
0:13:50 > 0:13:51..which one of you is it?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Sorry, which one of you is the pretty one?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Oh, thank God.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Yeah, you can do whatever you like.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06HE SHOUTS
0:14:10 > 0:14:13MUSIC: Blackadder by RAF Germany Band
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Sir, sir, sir, sir!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Captain Brownadder, sir.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Can it wait, Badri?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I'm about to have lunch.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37One week old chapatti and some of your home-made mango chutney.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Sorry, sir.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Although that is not actually mango chutney...
0:14:42 > 0:14:43It says "mango" on the label.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45There should be two words, sir.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48MAN...GO.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Although...
0:14:52 > 0:14:56you might find a LITTLE bit of actual mango in there.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- Was there something you wanted, Badri?- Yes, sir.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I bring you good news, sir.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Has the Bhangra troop arrived?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08No, sir.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09We're going over the top.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Oh, great.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14When is this fun-packed day trip taking place, then?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Ten minutes, sir.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Marvellous, isn't it?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26You volunteer for the British Indian Army,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29hoping to spend a couple of years in Rajasthan riding on a small camel
0:15:29 > 0:15:30wearing a silly hat.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33And then before you know it,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36you're 10,000 miles away facing certain death
0:15:36 > 0:15:39in a freezing cold trench in Belgium. Still...
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I don't suppose it could get much worse.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Namaste, satsrikar and a great big salamu alaykum!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Then again... Hello, Lieutenant Jyoti.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51I say, cap, isn't it wonderful, huh?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54At last, a chance to give them
0:15:54 > 0:15:57a jolly good taste of our cold British steel.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Yes, although, we're not actually British, are we?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02We are British subjects, sir,
0:16:02 > 0:16:03fighting for King and country.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05That's why we're here.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Hear, hear, sir.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I'm thinking of retiring there.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I hear is very nice.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I saw picture of it on biscuit tin.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Trust me, Badri, after the war,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24a brown face in England will be about as welcome as a
0:16:24 > 0:16:26vegetarian at a Muslim wedding.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Hey!
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Attention!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33At ease, at ease.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Now then,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I'm looking for a Captain Brownadder.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Yes, I'm over here, General.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Ah, Brownadder.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I wanted to talk to you...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Well, I must say, Brownadder,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46you might at least have washed your face
0:16:46 > 0:16:49before appearing in front of me, man!
0:16:49 > 0:16:50I'm sorry, sir?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Your face. It's all covered in mud.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Oh, I see.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55No, it's not muddy, General,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57it's...Indian.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58What!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01But you're a captain, Captain!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Indeed, in the British INDIAN Army, sir.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05We can't have brown chaps being officers.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Why not, sir? - They're just not up to it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11White troops have far superior intelligence,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14leadership and soldiering skills.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Well, unfortunately,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18the white officers used their superior skills
0:17:18 > 0:17:22to get themselves all killed within 20 minutes of our arrival.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26What about you?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I'm afraid I'm brown, too, sir.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30But I did go to Cambridge.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Well, that's something, I suppose.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Now, look here, you chaps, as you're aware,
0:17:35 > 0:17:36in precisely...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39three minutes from now you'll be going over the top.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Hurray, hurrah and a balle, balle, balle!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Well, quite.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I just wanted to say good luck
0:17:47 > 0:17:50and rest assured that your contribution to the war effort
0:17:50 > 0:17:52will not go unrewarded.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53In what way, sir?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Eh?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Well, perhaps India could finally be given her independence
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and freedom from British Imperial rule?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Certainly.- By which you mean...
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Definitely not.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06But you will not be forgotten.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08In the songs and poems
0:18:08 > 0:18:12and stories and classic situation comedies to come...
0:18:14 > 0:18:17..your brave muddy looking brown faces...
0:18:18 > 0:18:20..will always get a mention.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Hurray, huzzah and a bom-di-di-boom.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Jolly good.- Thank you, sir.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Don't mention it.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Carry on, men.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32General...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Perhaps some home-made mango chutney for the journey?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Don't mind if I do, Brownadder.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Hmm, spicy!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46From the man who brought you Lord Of The Rings and The Hobbit
0:18:46 > 0:18:49comes a new tale of one tiny person's struggle
0:18:49 > 0:18:51to overcome great odds.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54They call me Gandhi the Brown.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Gandhi, The Dissolution Of The Raj.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12BOTH: Oh, great Emperor Shah Jahan.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Sorry we're late.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Yep, a few delays on the Maratha Empire's bathroom extension.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Can I just say, first off,
0:19:21 > 0:19:25how chuffing grateful we are that you are chose
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Khan, Khan, Arif & Khan as your preferred builders?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Cos as we both know, there's a lot of cowboys out there.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33And we're the Indians!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Have you seen my plans for new project?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- The Taj Mahal.- Oh, aye.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Oh, aye.- We have.- It's going to be a mausoleum for my dear departed wife.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52My Mumtaz of the palace.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Such a tender creature whose...
0:19:56 > 0:19:59beauty I miss with all my being.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Dead, is she?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Yes.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12She died whilst giving birth to our 14th child.
0:20:15 > 0:20:1714... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, 14th?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20You want to get yourself a new hobby!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Me and the missus play Ludo, much safer!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Enough!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- Are you going to build it or not? - Oh, aye.- Aye, we are.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- We are and all, aye.- Good.
0:20:33 > 0:20:38Remember, I want this to be the finest monument to love
0:20:38 > 0:20:40the world has ever witnessed.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42A white marble monument.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I'm sorry, did you say marble?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- Yes, white marble.- Ooh.- Well...
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- Well, that changes everything that does, aye.- Puts the price right up.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55We were thinking chipboard with a nice marble finish.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01You can't tell the difference until you're right close up.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- You could do pine.- Ooh.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Flat pack, have it up in a day!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08But just don't lose that funny little key.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15I'm the Emperor Shah Jahan.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20I have power and money beyond your imaginings.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25I do not want a flat pack Taj Mahal.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- You're the boss, isn't he? - He's the boss.- Good.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I want the finest white marble, lace,
0:21:35 > 0:21:39and intricate carvings all over
0:21:39 > 0:21:45and atop the dome a gold finial pointing heavenward.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47What do you think?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Could we make a couple of suggestions?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Two words for you...- Mm-hm.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Petting zoo.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Petting zoo. Is this some kind of joke?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Next thing he'll be telling us,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05he doesn't want the helter-skelter on the tower thingamajig.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Tower thingamajiggy?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13These are minarets to exalt the name of God from,
0:22:13 > 0:22:17not to slide down on manky old sacks!
0:22:17 > 0:22:23I do not want my wife's tomb surrounded by four helter-skelters.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Agreed.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26That's why we were thinking instead of four little minarets,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- why not one big one sticking up in the middle?- What?!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Yeah, instead of your one big dome, bugger to clean,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33have two smaller domes either side.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Look, I... I don't see how.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37I know, I know and that's why...
0:22:38 > 0:22:41We've done an artist impression.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- It looks like a massive... - Helter-skelter.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52This is supposed to be a teardrop
0:22:52 > 0:22:55on the face of eternity.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Not a boil on the arse of a weekend!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- We'll go back to your original plans.- Thank you.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Right, so we'll get cracking
0:23:03 > 0:23:06as soon as we've finished painting your new imperial palace.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Oh, yes.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10The centrepiece of the mighty Mughal Empire.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13A magnificent red fort.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35This is where we're developing the next big project.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Wow!
0:23:36 > 0:23:40You guys are at the cutting edge of space exploration.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43The best thing is the cost, how do you do it all so cheaply?
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Team effort.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Yeah, but your chief engineer must be a genius.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- I really don't want to discuss that. - Hello, Beta.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- Maji.- Who is this?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56This is Dave from the UK Space Agency.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Ah.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02And this is our chief engineer.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03She's your mother?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Yes, I was very proud of my son, you see,
0:24:06 > 0:24:10working for the India Space Programme
0:24:10 > 0:24:13and then he told me how much it was going to cost.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- Space travel is expensive, Maji. - Rubbish.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Hundreds of millions of pounds for a satellite
0:24:19 > 0:24:21when I could make it at home for nothing!
0:24:22 > 0:24:26All I needed was some recycled circuit boards,
0:24:26 > 0:24:30a few fireworks, an old ambassador car
0:24:30 > 0:24:34and a small aubergine.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41So this is how you managed to do the Mars probe so cheaply?
0:24:41 > 0:24:42It wasn't cheap!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45It cost £74 million.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47The Americans spent much more than that, Maji.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50And if the Americans jumped in front of a bus, would you do that also?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- So, tell me, what are you working on next, mate?- Top secret.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57No, Beta, tell him. Tell him.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00We're developing a craft to democratize space travel.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02A bit like the Branson project.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Yes, except with real people,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07not just millionaires with more money than sense.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Tell him what it's called, Beta.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15It's called a Baraat International Geo Astral Navigational project.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Or Bigan for short.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Do you want to see what it looks like?- Yes, please.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- Are you sure?- Yes.- Ready?
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Ta-da!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I mean, that looks like an aubergine.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Thank you.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36How many people are you planning to fit in that?
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- Oh, 250.- 250?!- Yes.
0:25:40 > 0:25:4215 will go on the inside, yeah?
0:25:42 > 0:25:46And then the rest will cling onto the sides and the roof.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49It's the Indian way! Wheee!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Gandhiji.- Nehruji.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I believe that we can force the British to quit India
0:25:59 > 0:26:02through non-violent means alone.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06- BLEEP- that.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09MUSIC: Miserlou by Dick Dale And The Deltones
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Quentin Tarantino's Gandhi Unchained.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Indian.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Indian.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Indian!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31You were dreaming. I got you a cup of tea.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- Is it...?- Indian, of course.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Why does everything have to be Indian with you, Dad?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Well, son, I'll tell you.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44You see it's like this...
0:26:44 > 0:26:46PIANO STARTS TO PLAY
0:26:46 > 0:26:49# When I hear young people whingeing
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# About my country gets me cringing
0:26:52 > 0:26:56# You ungrateful sods have nothing good to say
0:26:57 > 0:27:00# To avoid their low opinion
0:27:00 > 0:27:03# I just think of all things Indian
0:27:03 > 0:27:08# And in moments all the blues are blown away
0:27:08 > 0:27:09# Because...
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# India is great, India is good
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- # I've never been there - Then you should
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# Get off the settee and this bungalow
0:27:21 > 0:27:25# As I tell you all the Indian words I know
0:27:25 > 0:27:26# Jodhpurs and shawl
0:27:26 > 0:27:28# Saris and patties
0:27:28 > 0:27:29# Dungarees and bangles
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# Don't go out without your chutneys
0:27:31 > 0:27:34# Still don't get why the hullabaloo
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# There's a clever boy, that's an Indian word, too
0:27:37 > 0:27:38# Juggernaut, cashmere
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- # Khaki, loot - Indian!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- # Polo, Ludo, avatar, cheroot - Indian!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# Pashmina, veranda, bandana, gymkhana
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# Pariah and guar, pyjama and nirvana...
0:27:49 > 0:27:53MUSIC: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana
0:27:53 > 0:27:55# India is brilliant for me and you
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# Get out of my head, Dad
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- # Try shampoo - Indian!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02# So much from India, you'd be stunned
0:28:02 > 0:28:04# Time for a dance, pass my Indian cummerbund
0:28:08 > 0:28:11# Sanskrit, Tamil and Hindustani
0:28:11 > 0:28:14# Language is created by the Swami Army
0:28:14 > 0:28:17# Button, steel, ink, rocket, such a massive tally
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# Calm down, Dad, this is driving me doolally
0:28:20 > 0:28:23# Doolally, Indian word!
0:28:23 > 0:28:24# India's the greatest
0:28:24 > 0:28:26# India's the daddy
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# We gave the world badminton, chess and kabaddi
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# Indian summers, Indian tea
0:28:32 > 0:28:37# And best of all from India
0:28:37 > 0:28:40# Me! #
0:28:40 > 0:28:42And me!