0:00:07 > 0:00:14This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34DOORBELL RINGS
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Oh, Simon. Can you get it? I'm in the bathroom. >
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Err, yep!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I can't see it! Where? Show me!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- Oh, I'm going to cry. - There, the corner.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Oh, shh! "BBC commissioned Creative Space
0:01:06 > 0:01:08"after successful pilot..." Blah, blah, blah.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10"..featured former funnyman Simon Amstell." Ahh!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I'm still funny, just not publicly.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Shh. Oh, can you believe it?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Don't speak. Is it confirmed?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19It's confirmed. Look.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Oh! We need to know when you start,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23you're going to have to have a haircut.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Do you need more acting lessons?
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Maybe.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Maybe.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35If the agent isn't calling you back, call Alan Yentob.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36I can't call Alan Yentob.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Call Alan Yentob! Get it confirmed. Send a text. Send me,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I'll sleep with him! Do you want me to sleep with Alan Yentob for you?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- Yeah, could you? - Which one's Alan Yentob?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47The one you always think is Salman Rushdie, you know?
0:01:47 > 0:01:48He's sort of...
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Oh, no, don't sleep with him.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53He speaks too slowly.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57And he's always walking everywhere. Find someone with a car better.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Can you see how unbelievable this is?
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Yes. Can I go now?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03No, you can't see it. It's ridiculous!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05They're going to let you act on television!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Why? Oh, I can feel the shame lifting, can you?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Yeah, it's good, I exist. I was almost the public.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- Oh, God forbid.- And you do whatever they say, you hear me?
0:02:15 > 0:02:16What do you mean?
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Just don't ruin this with all your opinions and your feelings.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- Wasn't it my instincts that got me the audition?- No.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23- When I auditioned...- No!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- But I'm...- No.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26- So I should just...?- Yes.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29You can get yourself a flat now!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Maybe finally find someone to screw!
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Oi, you stop it! Screw.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Sorry.- OK.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- See! You're not "completely fucked." - Oi!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Who said I was?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40No-one, no-one.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- My son's back! - I am still a person.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- # Hallelujah! # - All right, all right!
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- Oi, where are you going? Your mother is singing.- Shower!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Oh, hang on, put this in the hallway.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53You'll have to get it fixed, you know.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- It'll just get worse. - I'll sort it out. Isn't it insured?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Oh, you can't pay for it, don't be silly.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00It's fine, it's fine.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03We're very proud, Simon.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05You're not a failed nothing nobody any more,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07you're like a real life Paula Abdul!
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Yeah, I'm upstairs now.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11When do they pay you?
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Hello.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Hi, Simon Amstell!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Shh! My...my grandma's sleeping.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Why is your grandma here?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- Oh, it's her house. - So why are you here?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Because I wanted to be creatively free.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Aren't you on television?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Sometimes. I just had to sort of sell my flat a bit.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Listen, I think this is going to sound a bit awful,
0:03:28 > 0:03:29I need you to go, is that OK?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- Of course, that's cool.- Sorry. My grandma has invited my aunt and my mum over
0:03:33 > 0:03:36and they don't talk, so it's going to be a bit of a thing.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40My aunt's a bit odd, she doesn't really like people. Especially new young, sexy people.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Shh! Calm down, Simon Amstell.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Oh... Just Simon is fine.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47# I slept with Simon Amstell. #
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Oh, God. OK. - What? Is that...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52No, fine. Hooray. We didn't actually... What do you want? Tea?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Do you want tea and then you can go? Or do you want to just go?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Shall I bring you something for your journey? A grape?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Are you still buzzing? Do you want some Valium?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01What? No, no, no.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04So, look, thank you for last night. It was good, right? It was good.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I don't normally go anywhere, I'm very much a recluse.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Do you know my name?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Tyler.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Nope.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Yes! Tyler. I remember, Tyler.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Definitely Tyler.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16My dad sells tiles to...tilers.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- Your dad sells tiles, yeah. And you are Jasper.- Mark.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Mark. Not Jasper at all. I quite like Jasper.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- Why don't you go with Jasper? - I'm quite used to Mark.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Good. And I remember the number 18.
0:04:26 > 0:04:2818 or 19?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29- One of those, right?- 14.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I'm joking. I told you this last night.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34God, you were wasted.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Me? No, I don't even drink. I was drinking water.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38With about half a gram of MDMA in it.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41You didn't put MDMA in my drink? KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- I'm coming in, are you naked? - Oh, hang on, hang on.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Oh, my God.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Hello! I knew there was something going on. Who are you?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50This is Mark. Mark, this is my mum...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- You're very young, aren't you? - I'm nearly 15.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56He's joking, he's very funny. That's one of the things about Mark.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58You never told me you had a hot mum.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Oh! And thin?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Oh, yeah, totally. You're the thinnest, you're like a twiglet.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- Twiglet! Wonderful. Shall we...? - Oh, hasn't he got lovely hair?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Hasn't he? Hasn't he? It sweeps.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Ah, thanks, Simon Amstell.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- All right...- Oh! You're so frigid! - Awkward? You're a bit awkward?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Yeah.- You're feeling happy again, are you?- Yes, thank you.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19He hasn't had anybody for ages. When was the last time you had sex?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I kept telling him this is what he needed, didn't I?
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Mummy's always right.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25DOORBELL RINGS
0:05:25 > 0:05:27< Tanya! Simon! I think Liz is here!
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Oh, God, what's she doing here?
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- Acceptance!- Fuck off acceptance, I'm not the one with issues.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35She hasn't spoken to me for six months.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37My sister is not as funky as me.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Come on, then.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Ooh, she'll love this.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Maybe let's not tell anyone, for Grandma's sake.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Do you want to stay here? I'll bring you something up.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47What do you want? A banana. I'll bring you a banana up.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Yeah? Everything's fine. I'm going to bring him a banana.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Oooh!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57That's her car, isn't it?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Is she here?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01She just popped in.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04No need to lie, Mum. It's fine. I haven't got a problem with her.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- Adam! Here you go. - Oh. Oh, Tanya already brought one.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Course she did.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I'll just walk around with a bucket all day, like I'm demented.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Adam! Am I a window cleaner?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Adam isn't here, is he?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- What?- Now you're both here,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21maybe I'll make a lunch.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23That'll be nice, yeah?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I'm not the one with the issues, am I?
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Mum!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Yeah.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Is it a bit wrong?
0:06:31 > 0:06:35He's 18, we're both kids. Kids! We're kids!
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- You're 31 now.- A kid!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Why can't he stay and meet everyone?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Because he's a child.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43How am I getting him out the house now, do you want to help me...?
0:06:43 > 0:06:44No, you slept with him.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Not really. Slightly.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- Look who's popped in!- Ugh. - Ugh yourself.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Sneaky, aren't you? You're a sneaky old woman.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Stop it, be friendly.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Where's Adam? - I don't know. Should I know?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00He said he was celebrating your drama or whatever it is...
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- Comedy.- What? - It's a comedy.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07That's good. He's lost my son now. Perfect, isn't it?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09He's not in your airbed as well, is he?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Er... What does that mean?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Is there any way of getting the spare bed back yet or what?
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Adam's friends use it.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Do they? Or does Barry?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20- Do you mind? - Simon, can you talk to them?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Speak about your show!
0:07:23 > 0:07:28Ah, isn't it nice? We're all here together getting on.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Right, I'm off.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32No, no. Shush, shush! Sit, sit. Liz has popped in.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36I've done food, just in case anyone came.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Excuse me.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40You should have been looking after him.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I didn't stay long. He was with a lot of people.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Why am I holding a bucket?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45All right?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Oh, here we go.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Mark? Is it Mark?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Oh, yeah. Hi, how are you?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52How do you know each other?
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Mark's in Adam's year, how do you know each other?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58We don't, we just met, over there.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59- Oh, thanks.- Hello!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Oh, sorry, I thought you were Adam!
0:08:02 > 0:08:06It's Mark Grossman, Mum. You play kalooki with the grandmother.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Sheila?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Gosh, what about that?
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Have you heard from Adam?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Have you come for Sheila's bowl?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Yes, that's why he's here. Where's the bowl? Let's find this bowl!
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Did you hear the doorbell? - Mark's gran wants this bowl.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- Shall we find the bowl so he can move on with his life?- There's no rush!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Do you want to stay for lunch or...?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26No, he probably just wants to take his bowl and have his own lunch.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Right? Come to the kitchen,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31we'll put some food in your bowl. Do you want a bucket?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Oh... I'll find it in a minute.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- So you're 17 or 16? 17?- 16.
0:08:39 > 0:08:4216. Yikes, that's something, isn't it?
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Mark's 16!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Aaah. What a big boy.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50And are you...are you feeling OK today about things in general?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I feel great. You OK?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Sorry, Mark, I think maybe it's in the sideboard.
0:08:59 > 0:09:0216. It's... It's legal.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- It's not illegal. - I'm cool, Simon Amstell.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Simon, Simon, Simon.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I mean, it's not a betrayal of trust,
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- I'm not a teacher.- You were more fun than Mr Fingleman.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- More fun than Mr Fingleman? - He wanted me to wear school uniform.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Oh, my goodness.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- That school doesn't even have a uniform.- Oh!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Look, it was a laugh. I had fun.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Oh, no. Yeah, me too. No, it was fun! Everyone had a lovely time.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23And you drugged ME!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26If anything, I've been raped a bit. Did this Fingleman consent?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29You talking about what we did is giving me an erection.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- No erections in the kitchen! - < I found it!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Why was your phone off? Where are you?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Well, just come here.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38No, now!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40How do I know you're not lying in a gutter
0:09:40 > 0:09:43pumped full of designer drugs?
0:09:43 > 0:09:44I'm sorry I kept it so long.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47He said he told Simon to tell me he was staying at Callum's.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I don't remember him saying...
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I've been going out of my mind! How can you forget a thing like that?
0:09:52 > 0:09:53I was on drugs.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Oh, stop it, silly.- Silly.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59All right, I have to shower. There's the bowl. You've got the bowl.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I could do with a shower, Is that OK?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Oh...- Really?
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Oh, yes, cos your shower's broken.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Yes, Mark's shower is broken. There is no water pressure.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Beautifully tiled, I imagine, but there's no...
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Come on, show me where the shower is.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Oh, you'll find it. It's just at top of the stairs.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Oh, he'll want a towel.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Do you want to find him a towel, Simon?- What?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Do you want a shower? Shall we all have a shower?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Is this OK? It's not very fluffy.- That's OK.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33OK. So that's the shower. So you have a shower...
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Are you sure you haven't got... five minutes?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37OK, you have to start with the hot
0:10:37 > 0:10:39and then when it gets really hot,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41then you add some cold and then it should be all right.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44If it becomes cold again, you have to start the whole thing again.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47You'll be all right, won't you? Or you could just go!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I'm joking. Are you happy? You're happy though. Are you happy?
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- You could make me happier. - Oh, good luck with it all.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Funny that your grandma knows my grandma, isn't it?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59It's like we're almost family, does that do it for you?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Gosh. Well, I'm sweating slightly. So I'm going to go...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Oh, come on, Simon Amstell.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04If you're going to be my boyfriend,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07you're going to have to chill out, you know.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11OK. And so, that's the soap as well.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13You know how to operate it, yeah?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Or shall we... Let's... High five!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18There we go. All the best.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27That Mark's a real oddball, you know.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Adam said there's something wrong with him.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Apparently, he's very destructive.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34He's nice though. What's wrong with him?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36He's got anger problems.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38He got expelled from his last school
0:11:38 > 0:11:39for killing a frog on a sponsored walk.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I don't want him getting busy with you.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Look at me. You need to be concentrating on the show.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Get rid of him now, OK?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48He's in the shower.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53How's my mum been? Does she talk about anything?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Does she ever mention Dad? - Of course not.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59"It's all fine. No need to discuss it, everything's fine."
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- What was that? My mum?- Yeah. No?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Do you think you've lost it a bit?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I still think we should move the chair...
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Excuse me, but nobody's moving my dad's chair.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09No-one sits in it.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12It's just there creating a creepy energy in the room.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Is he talking about himself again? - SHE SNORTS
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Wow. Laugh, snort, tut! That's something, isn't it?
0:12:18 > 0:12:19When's he moving out?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- This week probably, OK? - TELEPHONE RINGS
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Shh! Might be the agent.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Hello? Oh, hi.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29I'm a bit busy down here at the moment.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Gosh. OK, you carry on with that.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33All right, bye.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Who's that?
0:12:35 > 0:12:36It's Mark. He's drying himself.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39How did he get your number now?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41He wanted work experience.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42See!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Where? With you?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- He's going to be a boom, um... - Simon's got a new show!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Yeah? Has it been confirmed?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Yes! And he's fixing Mum's leak, OK?
0:12:52 > 0:12:53So he should.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Did you sort out your tax bill? - Oh, yeah, it's fine.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- It was their mistake?- No, it was some stuff from the previous year.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- I had to borrow some money, it's fine.- How much?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03How much?
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Er...20,000-ish.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- From who?- Derren Brown.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- The magician? - He prefers illusionist.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12You fix the leak before you pay back Darren Brown!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Derren.- What?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Derren.- Why do you keep saying Darren like that?
0:13:17 > 0:13:18TELEPHONE BEEPS
0:13:18 > 0:13:19- Now what?- Oi!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Oh! You got a picture message, darling.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Oh, my God.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- What is it?- Nothing. Just some slightly controversial art.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Tell Liz about your show.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Go on, explain.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Drama, yeah? Or comedy?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- It's comedy!- OK! Go on.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39How do I explain it? Are you interested?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Everyone in it is playing a sort of version of themselves...- Ugh.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- Do you mind?- Oh, sorry. Yeah, it sounds brilliant.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48It makes it quite engaging, cos you wonder with each person how close...
0:13:48 > 0:13:53- Yeah. I don't know why you can't make something that's actually entertaining for people.- It will be.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Normal people don't have the time to concentrate all the time, that's all I'm saying.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59All right. Should I not do it then?
0:13:59 > 0:14:00- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh, finally!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Listen, you're on television, you're getting paid,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I don't care if it's a load of total shit.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- It won't... I think it'll be really interesting.- Mm.- What do people want?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Just a load of ludicrous characters wandering in and out of rooms,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15just doing something funny?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Er...Tanya.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Afternoon, all!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Oh, God, again? What have you invited him for?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I didn't, I didn't! Really! I promise!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28# Another day has gone... #
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Oh, fuck.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32# I am still all alone
0:14:32 > 0:14:36# How could this be?
0:14:37 > 0:14:41# You're not here with me?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43# You never said goodbye
0:14:45 > 0:14:48# Someone tell me why
0:14:48 > 0:14:50# Did you have to go
0:14:52 > 0:14:55# And leave my world so cold? #
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Oh, Tanya! So rude!
0:14:57 > 0:15:00# Every day I sit and ask myself
0:15:00 > 0:15:03# How did love slip away? #
0:15:03 > 0:15:05HE HUMS
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I think it was You Are Not Alone.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08It wasn't a bad version.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Last time he did the All Saints.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Why is she just sat in there talking to him?
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Can you get rid of him?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16You slept with him.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Oh. Go on, Simon. We don't need it today.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20For me.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Go on, you're the man now.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Isn't it a bit sexist, this...?
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Quick!
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Best to give her a minute.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Let it all sink in.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I've got two tickets to Shrek The Musical.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Oh, really?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Hey, Captain! I've just heard you sold the Hampstead shag pad.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Must have made a bloody packet.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Well, it was interest only, so not really, no.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44He's got nothing. He's been living here rent free.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Oi! He's been wonderful, he's shown Mum how to put petrol in her car,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49he's fixing the leak, she loves him here, OK?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Oh, all right, maybe I'll move in as well!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Oh, no, no, no. Silly.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Well, er, if you're not rolling in the dough,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59perhaps I could help with this leak?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I'm on step nine of the big twelve.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Reconciliation.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06So if you need cash or manpower...
0:16:06 > 0:16:07No, no. Simon's getting it sorted.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Yeah, thanks for coming though, it's very good of you.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12If it's just the flashing, you'll be fine.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16But if your joists are rotten, your whole roof could be in jeopardy
0:16:16 > 0:16:19and you could be looking down the barrel of 30 big ones.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Well, let's assume flashing.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- I'm feeling flashing. - I know how to deal with leaks, Si.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Damp is my middle name.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Oh, God, look!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28It's all down here too!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Clive!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Oh, yeah, a whole lot of water's been through here,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36caused some structural damage probably, too.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Oh! Oh!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- This chair's seen better days... - Well, maybe you should just...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42The whole upholstery's...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Aaah!
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Oh, my God, Lily.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Oh, no, it's Bernie's chair.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53It's OK, it's fine!
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Doesn't matter. A chair!
0:16:54 > 0:16:58It's not just a chair, it's Bernie's!
0:16:58 > 0:17:02It's OK, it's fine. It was very old.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Well, I'll throw in a whole new one as well then.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06You sang your song, you broke a chair.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Come on, we can do this. Let's both walk towards the door, yeah?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- One step at a time, that's the thing, isn't it?- What?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13There we go. Come on.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Lovely to see you though. - Bye!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Oh, God, Si.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I really shat the bed in there, didn't I?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22No, it's fine. A tiny bit of shit.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Oh, well, I've got to hand it to you, skipper.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Looks like you've finally manned up and stepped up to the plate here.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I always thought you were all mouth and no trousers.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Oh, no. I'm both, both.- How many quotes have you had done so far?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35You'll obviously have to re-insulate.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Are you thinking blanket or loose fill?
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Er, yeah, the second one.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Are you...?- Right, let's assume it'll all be fine.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43It's probably insured anyway, right?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- What! Wear and tear? - You'll be lucky to get a cagoule out of those tightwads.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48What's your damp test reading?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50It was good, really good one.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51What do you mean?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54It was outstanding, five stars, they loved it.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I don't know, what do you mean?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- You do have a damp test meter?- I'm getting one. That's my first job.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I'm going to test the damp. It'll be fun. Damp is my first name.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Damp Simon?- Damp Simon, yeah. OK.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Ah, well. Sounds like you know what you're doing.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Yes, but good luck with everything. The steps and this was amazing.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Careful.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Why couldn't you listen to the whole song?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- Oh, my God.- Then the chair wouldn't have...- Shush, shush.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Oh, well done, you've upset Mum now.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I'm fine, I'm fine. Be nice.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27It's her!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Oh, shut up all the time.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30What all the time?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- OK...- I got rid of him.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34What, Liz, what? What is it?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36No? Not fussed? OK.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Nothing. What?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Go on, spit it out.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44When you go to somebody's house after a funeral, you don't stand up and say,
0:18:44 > 0:18:47"Come on, everybody, back to my house. It'll be more fun."
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- Who wants a quick pickle? - You know what,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- if you say you're going to organise things after a funeral...- Oh!
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Sorry. Simon, have you got any clean pants I could borrow?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Err... Yeah, I suppose.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01You can't just put out some... Oi!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04You can't just put out some old plain bridge rolls
0:19:04 > 0:19:06and piddly nibbles for 70 people!
0:19:06 > 0:19:07- How dare you!- It wasn't enough.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10There was no warmth in that house, it was...
0:19:10 > 0:19:13People need to feel looked after, right, Mark?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I'd spent the whole bloody...
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Simon wants to tell us one of his stories about David Bedingfield.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21I felt ill from it, nothing but crappy cashews.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- Oi!- We were all sick of hearing your crying and crying all the time.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27My father had died!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Nobody likes a show off.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30I'd eaten a lot of nuts!
0:19:30 > 0:19:32OK. Acceptance! We're all different.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Love, joy...
0:19:35 > 0:19:36You're very cold, you know that?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38You're very wet.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- Oh, did you get my...?- Yeah.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43If your father died, would you be happy with a shitty roll?
0:19:43 > 0:19:44What were the fillings?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Right. Adam's friend needs pants.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Shall we, why don't we put the chair outside,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51so we don't have to look at it today, is that a good idea?
0:19:51 > 0:19:52I'll call a chair fixer.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54OK. Yeah.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Yeah? Good. There we go.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58And everything's fine again.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Oh, he's a good boy, isn't he?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Yes, what about me, huh?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Does Mark want to stay for lunch?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Oh, great, I'm starving.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Oh, lovely.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Your producer called. She says to call back if you've got a minute.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Did you answer my phone?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19It's OK, I said I was your agent.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Why?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I could be your agent.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23What did she say?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- It's OK, I said we were we busy today.- What?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27It's OK, Tanya.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29It's not OK, Mum.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31You didn't want to come and get me?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33It was ringing, what's the big deal?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Why are you interfering? Tell him you're Paula Abdul!
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- All right...- They're having some budget issues. She wanted to know
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- if you'd lower your fee, I said, "No way."- Call her now!
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- You don't know anything about it, you little shit.- Are you going to let this bitch talk to me like that?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Oh, my God.- What did you call me? - Shall I get you some fruit to juggle, Simon?
0:20:50 > 0:20:54DOORBELL RINGS Oh, he's here. Ignore her, she's very uptight.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Show Mark your juggling?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57He's going now. You've got the bowl.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I've got a small pineapple.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Why are you just sitting here? Go and phone your agent!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Ah...- All right?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05I had to leave early, yeah?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- What?- What is he saying?
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Nothing.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11What? Spit it out.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14What about Adam's new look? All the hair gel and all this...business.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Have you slept? How late were you out?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I only left half an hour after them.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20After Simon, I mean.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21What?
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- There's no spoons! Shall I get some spoons?- Did Mark...?
0:21:27 > 0:21:28You didn't!
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- All right, Liz. Can we...?- Your son hasn't...- Where's that pineapple?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Relax.- He's 16!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Almost 17. In what, is it three months?
0:21:36 > 0:21:3711?
0:21:37 > 0:21:4011. ..I was drugged.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43To do that, in my dad's box room!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- What happened? - He's Adam's age!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47What did you do? Did you toss the salad?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- OK.- No, it's not OK, it's disgusting!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Your son's a degenerate.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52I can't even...
0:21:52 > 0:21:55There was no penetration.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56We just, we just tickled.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58It was only tickling.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Look, I'm fixing the leak. Who wants me to juggle? Shall I juggle?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Call your agent!
0:22:08 > 0:22:09I was half way home.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Realised I had the old moisture detector in the boot.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Take me to your loft, Captain. I'm here to check your moisture.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Oh, God, now what?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20We need to get rid of Mark. NOW.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Oh, smoking? Are you old enough to...?
0:22:27 > 0:22:28I suppose you are...
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- What's wrong with your mum? - I think you...
0:22:31 > 0:22:34We should meet up again when you're free, just as friends, you know?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37What? You...you want to meet up and not have sex?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Is that weirder?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Don't be such a pervert.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41What do you want from me?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45You need to go. Sorry, I need you to go. Is that OK?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Can you just go now? Please, could you just go?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50All right! Fucking hell.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51OK.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59He's almost gone.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Good, can you get rid of Clive now?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Why? Can't you do it? I've just done my one.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- Please.- You sure you don't want to get back with him while he's here?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Why did nobody tell me how awful he is?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I did.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Oh, shut up, Simon. Go! Quick!
0:23:13 > 0:23:14You had a haircut?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I've straightened, you know that.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- It's very nice. - Go! And call your agent!
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Oi, Facebook!
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Stop it! I don't look like him.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- Why did you shag Mark? - Shh.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31He's weird. He set fire to Aaron Trupp's kidney in Biology.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Hi! It's Simon returning your call. Hope you're well and happy.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Erm, I'll speak to you in a bit, yeah? OK, bye.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Ugh... "Hope you're well and happy."
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Is that anything? What's that?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44It's nothing, isn't it?
0:23:44 > 0:23:49So... Someone's been doing the old underpants charleston, eh?
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Oh, yeah...
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Come on, Si. You've been backing up the hard drive?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I'm proud of you. How old is this chap?
0:23:56 > 0:23:5716!
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Well, if there's grass on the wicket, let's play cricket!
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Hey! I know what it's like, the irresistible allure of young flesh!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Remind me to tell you what me and Jeff Bean got up to in Thailand.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Don't tell your mother.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I bet you really smashed him to pieces, yeah?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14No, not really...
0:24:14 > 0:24:15You showed him who was boss, yeah?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Er...I think it was more like we were both self-employed.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Come on, I bet you stapled him to the bed, eh?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Well, it's an air bed, so... Are we detecting much moisture?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Look, Si. I understand.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28This is your gig, you don't want me getting involved.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32I just want to get you started today and then I'll bugger off.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33TELEPHONE RINGS
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Hello!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Oh, dear.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Ah, Lilly.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Oh! Oh, I thought you'd gone.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I've just got to do this.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I can't tell you how sorry I am. I owe you an apology, obviously...
0:24:56 > 0:24:59No, no, no. You don't owe me an apology.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Not just for the chair disaster, but...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Oh, there's worse things in life than a broken chair.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Some people have got no legs!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I just wanted to say, I haven't seen you since Bernie...
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Oh! Where are my big cups?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Lilly, I can't tell you...
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Oh, well, then don't. Don't tell me.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21You know what he was, Lilly?
0:25:21 > 0:25:22No.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24A bloody gent.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25That's nice.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I think old Tanya thinks I'm being a bloody fool,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30but I keep hearing Bernie telling me,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33"Keep going, mate. She clearly loves you."
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Right, well...
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Do you think she...?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- Maybe, maybe.- Really?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Right. Well, I've got to get on now, so...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43And I mean, I know what happened to Bernie
0:25:43 > 0:25:46was nothing to do with me running him over that time, but...
0:25:46 > 0:25:49This...this isn't my cup!
0:25:55 > 0:25:56You all right?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Yeah. Yeah, fine.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Yes.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Right, folks, I'd better be off.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- What's going on with the leak?- Well, we're talking some major damage.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Really?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- Well?- I'll tell you in a minute.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Yep, me and Si have had a good poke around and at the very least
0:26:17 > 0:26:19you're looking at stripping back the slates,
0:26:19 > 0:26:21replacing the lats and felt with a breathable membrane
0:26:21 > 0:26:23and then realigning the lead flashing.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Then, of course, there's your damp removal.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Am I right, Si?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Yeah, we detected damp.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Yeah. Anything up to ten grands worth.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Oh, my God.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Yeah, all right. You need to go now, Clive.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37It's enough, you've upset my mum.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Hang on, hang on....
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- What? - Aren't you going to see Shrek?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42What? Why are you still here?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Acceptance, acceptance!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Stop saying acceptance!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- It's had very good reviews. - What's happened?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Nothing, what about compassion?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53He's saying he's made mistakes and now he wants to pay for the roof.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Go and see Shrek.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57It's ridiculous not to see Shrek.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58It's "Shrektacular", says The Sun.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I'd love to see Shrek.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02What did the agent say?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- Nothing. - Come on, you better speak now.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Er... They've...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09It's just going to be a bit more of a traditional show now.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13They've just decided to do it with actual normal actors instead.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Oh, my God, why? Was it the money?
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Tell them you'll do it for nothing.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18I did.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Was it your acting?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23It's good acting, I'm doing vulnerability!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26It's not about talking loudly, it's about bringing your insecurity...
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I'm stiff in real life!
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Oh, my God!
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Oh!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Oh, shit!
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Oh, fuck!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Hurry up! Bucket!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Careful, Simon!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- Leave it!- Leave it!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Gangway, folks!
0:27:50 > 0:27:51- Oh!- Oh!
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Oh, gosh!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00What time's Shrek?
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd