0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:09'I can't help but sympathise with you, Tony.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11'There's one or two round my neck of the woods
0:00:11 > 0:00:12'I'd be happy to see put in camps.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15'Also today, why are you fat?'
0:00:41 > 0:00:44What's he doing? Turn it off, Mum!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Finished, finished.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50He's lying on my floor, this is what he does in the morning.
0:00:50 > 0:00:55What's wrong with you? Are you still sleeping on that air bed?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I'm all right, it's just my neck and spine a bit.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03I knew you'd love it here. Has Clive finished the roof now?
0:01:03 > 0:01:07- Pretty much, yeah, I think he's back Monday?- Don't tell him how attractive I am at the moment. OK.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Do you want to give me your trousers now?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Oh, really, they're fine, they're fine.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Please, for ME, you've been wearing them all week.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- They're fine. They're fine. - You may want them for the audition,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I don't know when I'll be doing another wash.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Just take your trousers off so you can talk to your mother. Go on, Simon, quick!
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Oh, my God.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29You'll be nice to Liz when she gets here, yeah?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Me be nice? Who called her to apologise, Mum?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34It was very big of me.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I know, good girl. Thank you.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- Where you going? - My legs are naked. - I used to wipe your bottom!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I want to hear about this play you're auditioning for.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Stop it, this is inappropriate poking!
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Let me out, I need to meditate.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50- Oh, why can't you masturbate like a normal person?- Oh, Tanya!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53What? When he was a toddler he wouldn't leave it alone.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Remember? We thought he'd rip it off.- Yeah.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57DOORBELL
0:02:05 > 0:02:09What's he doing? Is that how he parades himself around now?
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Look, Barry!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Barry! Gosh!
0:02:13 > 0:02:14What do you look so shocked for?
0:02:14 > 0:02:19Oh, I just, I just I can't remember when Barry came round for lunch.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21He's always here, Mum.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Barry? Barry?! No! Is he really here? Am I dreaming?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28# I dreamed a dream in time gone by... #
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Yes, all right, Tanya. - Oh, is this a new coat?
0:02:32 > 0:02:38- No.- No, I remember it. It's nice and brown.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Aah. How's my sister?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Yeah, yeah, fine.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Friends?
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Yeah, OK. Don't need to turn the news on already, do we?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Yeah, what did we say? I'm here, OK?
0:02:52 > 0:02:58It's OK. Let him watch it, Liz. The news.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Is anything happening?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Nothing at all. Apart from the devastating flood in China.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Oh, China, I'm making fish balls!
0:03:07 > 0:03:09She's making our fish balls.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I'm making special ones for Simon with no fish.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Oh, isn't it nice we can all sit in a room together with no tension?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Of course.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Why should there be any tension?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Can we all just have a nice day without any drama?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Yes, I'm saying it's nice there isn't any.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- What tension do you think there should be? - None! That's what I'm saying.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- I haven't got any tension! - Lovely!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Put that down. - Go on put it down.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37'Cities downstream are not just inundated,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40'they have been ripped apart to devastating effect.'
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Aah.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- 'Hundreds have died.' - Isn't this nice?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48So, it's available from now.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And it's, so it's 600 pounds a month including all the Council tax
0:03:51 > 0:03:54and the... A week? Oh, right.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Oh, no. Yeah, I was just thinking, er, I might call you back,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00is that OK?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02BANGING FROM THE ATTIC
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- Is this the one you meant? - Oh, no, I don't need it now, Mum.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- What do you want that for? - Can we do it later, Mum?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Oh, OK.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- HE SNORTS - Shall we turn it off now?
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Liz! People are losing their homes! A lot of people have died.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Oh, it's OK, let him enjoy the flood, Liz.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Oh, I haven't offered Barry a drink. Can he have tea?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I know he mustn't have milk.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I can have milk, who on earth said I can't have milk?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Oh, no, Liz said that dairy thickens your mucus.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Semi-skimmed will be fine, thank you.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- Oh, I've only got full-fat. - Just black for me.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Here's the star! Barry's here!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53(Be nice today.)
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Say hello to Barry.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57HE SNORTS
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Gosh, still got that, er...
0:05:01 > 0:05:02What's that?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05The er, the what is it, post-nasal, er, nasal congestion?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Post-nasal drip, Simon. Does it bother you?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Oh, no, I was, just, doesn't it bother you?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Can't something be done?- Well yes, Simon, you can take antihistamines,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17which will clear up the drip, but makes the mucus much thicker,
0:05:17 > 0:05:22or there's decongestants, which thins the mucus but increases the drip. Which would you suggest?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Yeah, just carry on as you are, I suppose.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Can he have sugar?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Yes.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Simon's got an audition for a play. - Oh, yes?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36The Tempest. What do you think of that?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Amazing, isn't it?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40What's amazes me is how any of these actors survive.
0:05:40 > 0:05:4490 percent out of work, the reality is they just end up being
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- a drain on the people around them. - Not me, you don't mean me, do you? - No.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I'll definitely be back in London one day.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53How much do you think rent in London is, per square foot?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- I don't know.- Guess.- I don't even know what a square foot is.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59You're talking 44 pounds a square foot in Central London,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01and that's unfurnished.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Right. So...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05It wasn't the best idea of the century selling your flat
0:06:05 > 0:06:08at the time you did, I think we did all warn you, Simon.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Ben Theodore's directing it, tell him.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14This actor he's been obsessed with for five years.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15What about the yoghurt woman?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17She used to be someone, ended up talking about yoghurt.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20He's not Martine McCutcheon.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22No, Martine McCutcheon. I'm not Martine McCutcheon.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24It's such a lovely story, Liz,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27they, er, they bumped into each other on the tube.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- You managed to pull him yet? - HE SNORTS
0:06:29 > 0:06:34He said he quite liked my cardigan, that means something, doesn't it?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Maybe he'll screw your cardigan. - Oh, Tanya!
0:06:36 > 0:06:37What, I said, "screw."
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Why would he ask you to audition? Doesn't he want his play to be good?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43I was assertive. I said "I should be in this play.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"Why aren't I in this play. I can be in a play."
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- He didn't say, "Cos you can't act?" - No.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52He was quite impressed with me taking the time out to find myself creatively.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Is that what you said? Out loud?
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- What part is it? - Ariel. Prospero's servant?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Who's playing Prospero? June Sarpong? - THEY LAUGH
0:07:00 > 0:07:04You shouldn't be the servant. You should be June Sarpong.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07It's Shakespeare! "To be, or not to be..."
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Bloody good question.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Oh, Clive's here.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Thanks, Mum.- Don't get up.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- Hello, Bazza.- Hi.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20What brought you here? Lose a bet?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Clive, he's like a funny character, isn't he?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Should send him over to China, maybe cheer them up a bit.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Si, I'm going to need you to flex your muscles,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- there's a bunch of stuff in the loft that needs moving.- What stuff?
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Look at those arms, you want to lay off the steroids, pal!
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Wouldn't say no to another tea when you're ready, Lilly.
0:07:38 > 0:07:43Offshore Earthquake, right? I heard 7.5 on the old Richter.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Actually 7.5 on the Moment Magnitude Scale.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Not quite the same thing at all.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Fastest growing economy on the planet.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Probably us that has to cough up for it, though.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57OK, shall we then?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Come on, Van Diesel.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02How long have you been here?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Most people do get up before midday, Si.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Gosh, how ridiculous. Maybe I should meditate up here.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10What are we doing? Was that a bit tense with Mum?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Should I find some way of getting this done myself?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Got a spare 20 grand you're desperate to get rid of?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Oh no, you carry on. - Are you pushing me away?
0:08:18 > 0:08:19No, no, let's move the boxes.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22No, no, no. I don't need you to move boxes, I need a favour.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25All right, Jewface? Mum said I should Help out.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Watch where you stand, young Adam, there's a lot of damp,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31and some of the floor isn't as secure as I'd like.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Here's what I need from you, Captain.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35What do you need?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Five minutes, alone, with mum, today.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Really? Could it not be pass you a tool?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Go on, what do you need? Do you, do you want a mole grip?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Gosh, you know your tools.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- We used to do a bit on the show called Toolbox Jury.- Classic.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52No Listen, I know I came on a bit strong with the song last time,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54but I'm playing the long game now, Si,
0:08:54 > 0:08:58just need five minutes alone today to get things rolling again.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Then, when she sees this insulation.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Oh, yeah, she's always been a big fan of InstaFibre.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Sorry. What do you think you going to say?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Stop touching things, what are you doing?
0:09:08 > 0:09:09You're just like Dad.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Seduction isn't about words, Si.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20OK, well, what are we doing, what's happening?
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Simon.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Yes.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Never be afraid of silence.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I am. I am afraid of silence.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Don't be. What is there to be...
0:09:31 > 0:09:32I don't know, don't like it.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37OK, I get, I get the point, yeah, are you going to talk.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Talk. Please, I can't take it. Speak.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41OK, shh...
0:09:42 > 0:09:45What are you? Why are you...
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- ..Why are you touching my elbow? - Feel anything?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Eh, uncomfortable? Again.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Do you two want to be alone?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54What about this?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Oh, my God, yep, that's the one. Gosh. That was magical. Thank you.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59It's so funny you living with Grandma now.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- What do you do all day? - I don't know, contemplate things?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- What do you contemplate? - Living here, loneliness, detachment.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08It's like being at a retreat but with no healthy food,
0:10:08 > 0:10:09and just one old woman.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- Right, then.- Hopefully I'll get this play and I can rent somewhere in London, maybe.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You should get somewhere in Soho, near Dad's work flat.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- You can walk to the sex shops. - What's Dad's work flat?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Dad's work has a load of flats for lawyers and people.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- But this one's so run-down and tiny no-one ever really uses it. - Does he ever lend it to anyone?
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Yeah, he's in charge of the keys. Oh, my God!
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Hello!
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Urgh, they're so hairy!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Yep, they don't make 'em like that any more.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Although Mum opted for quite a retro vibe.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42What do you want to do with this, Si?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I don't know, I'll get a bin liner and throw it away?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Well you can't throw away Bernie's stuff.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49What then? Charity shop? Stop looking.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52There's not even any sex, just naked women bending over.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Nice work if you can get it. So, you will ask her, yeah?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Yeah, can I go down now? I don't like it up here.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04You can take it now, I don't mind.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Mum...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Just take it. What do want it for anyway?
0:11:07 > 0:11:12I've got a... I've got a fancy dress party coming up, all right nosey?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- Oh, it's for the fancy dress party? - Whose?- You don't know them.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I'll put it away. Don't worry about it.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I know all your snippy friends. Why do you have to be so secretive all the time?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24And they're off!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Ah, I'm putting it away. Can we all...
0:11:26 > 0:11:28So, what are you going as in mum's tracksuit?
0:11:28 > 0:11:33Duh! Uma Thurman. In Kill Bill?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- How do you know about Kill Bill? - It was on a fancy dress website.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- Well, try it on then. - No, not now.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Go on! It'll be fun! You can do a fashion show for Barry!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Get him going a bit. What are you going as?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46He's going as Quentin Tarantino. Aren't you?
0:11:46 > 0:11:51- What's the outfit for Quentin Tarantino? - A leather jacket. And sunglasses.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54That's the Terminator. Or Fonzie, that's not...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- No, you have to go as a couple. - Shouldn't he be Bill then?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- He didn't want to go as Bill. - Why not?- Because he didn't.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Why?- Google him.- Just tell me!
0:12:02 > 0:12:07The actor died while touching himself in a cupboard, OK?
0:12:13 > 0:12:14How are you Barry?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Not bad. 300 dead.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, gosh, that's not good is it?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Do you not watch the news, Simon?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I try not to, it's often quite sad, isn't it?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Well, is it OK if the grown-ups try to remain informed?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Oh, it's nice they talk, isn't it?
0:12:30 > 0:12:34How's work? How's the world of medical insurance?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Why?- I don't know, it's what people ask, isn't it?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"How's work?," "How's your wife?" "Sport."
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- I am watching this, Simon. - Sorry, sorry.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44'Until 9 o'clock yesterday morning,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47'the towns and villages that line the bank of the Yangtze River..."
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Who said, um, Adam said something about your company having a flat?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- Is that a thing?- Did he? - HE SNORTS
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- In Soho, somewhere. - Yes, Greek Street.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Greek Street, Mum, that's near where you had your hysterectomy!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Oh, yeah, nice area, we had pasta.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Yeah, but that should be quite perfect for me, Soho,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- if, er, I get this play. - I don't think so.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13No? Oh, why, is it occupied?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14It's not as simple as that.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Look, I hate to be the one to break it to you, Simon,
0:13:17 > 0:13:21but the whole world doesn't revolve around you. See?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25So, what, what are you saying? It's occupied?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Oh, look, Mum, is this our wedding video? How embarrassing?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31You don't want to watch it, do you?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34We're at a critical stage here, Liz.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37310. Just found a family under an office block.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Don't bother. Really. - I just thought maybe...
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Everybody thought I looked like Audrey Hepburn, I don't think so, did you?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- Who? - Shall we just stick it on, or..?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48It will only be for about a month.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Ooh, look fish balls! Look, Barry, your favourite!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Now, the warm ones are on the right, Liz,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I remembered you always used to want them warm,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- and, Tanya, yours are on the left. - Great.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02It's just Adam said you lend it to people sometimes so I...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04It's a bit more complicated than that.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Oh, Tanya! Please.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- I'd be there for like a month maybe and then...- Tanya!
0:14:09 > 0:14:14- I saw all my old single girls last night.- Oh, yes.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17We've started Zumba dancing, you should come on Tuesday, Liz.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21It fuses hypnotic Latin rhythms. Do you want to come?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24What?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27No, I'm sure it's a lot of fun for you.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29HE COUGHS AND SNORTS
0:14:29 > 0:14:33What? It's not embarrassing once you get into it, I promise.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35How is this helping?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Shh, stop now.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40What dancing with a load of flabby middle aged divorcees?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Why are you laughing at me?
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Fish balls!
0:14:44 > 0:14:48They're laughing at me. Barry's sat there chuckling to himself.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52What's that about Barry Chuckle? Ooh, where's Barry Chuckle?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Really?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02There's no point being a big grump about it,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- just ignore the boring wanker. - Tanya!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Oh, I didn't know you were there. I didn't mean it.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10You know I think he's wonderful.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Do you want to come in now? I want everyone together.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15In a minute. Is Clive still here?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17He's not eating with us.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21I sleep with these morons and they refuse to piss off.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Do I have a bungee rope attached to my vagina or something?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- Tanya!- Don't you remember how he assaulted Simon?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Yeah, but isn't he handy?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- Suppose so. What?- What.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Do you want to say anything?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Do you want to help your son? It's like the Dictaphone.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Oh, the Dictaphone.
0:15:40 > 0:15:45Let it go, he wouldn't lend you his Dictaphone, 15 years ago?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Why would he lie? "Sorry, Simon, don't have a spare one."
0:15:48 > 0:15:49There were two sat in his drawer.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- Maybe he just... - Two! Two Dictaphones in his drawer.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55What did you need a Dictaphone for anyway?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57To make my jingles.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- You might not even get the play... - Oh.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Maybe you should wait for something better to come along anyway.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05What's better? This is my chance to be a person again.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- What do you want me to do? - I dunno, defend me? Support me?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Just get me the flat, just tell him I should have the flat?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Are you masturbating?
0:16:13 > 0:16:19Stop it! Masturbating all the time in my kitchen.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Do you want me to put these in the wash?
0:16:21 > 0:16:25- Do you not want me to throw away? - Er, maybe just put it in. No?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27You want me to?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Yeah they're all right, aren't they?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- I'll throw 'em, yeah? - OK, yeah, I suppose.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34How much would they pay you for the play?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Oh, I don't know, I'm rich in soul.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Why can't you be in a film with Russell Brand?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- I don't know. - He's got real charisma, hasn't he?
0:16:42 > 0:16:46You need to look at him, and see how he does it.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Cheer up, I'll talk to Barry, OK?
0:16:48 > 0:16:49OK, but don't upset him.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Excuse me, I have tact, I can deal with the patronising shit.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Tanya! - Why are you still here?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58I'm putting Simon's pants in the bin!
0:17:04 > 0:17:09- She's had her shredded wheat. - What's wrong with your father? Why won't he lend me the flat?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- Because he thinks you're irresponsible and selfish.- Well?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15How often do you think Grandpa was up here with this? Once a week?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- I don't know. Can't we throw it away?- Grandpa was such a pervert.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- He was a human being with a penis. - Urgh!
0:17:20 > 0:17:24What? It's sweet isn't it to just have the one porn magazine. Sort of loyal.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Si, look me in the eye and tell me that she's better off without me?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Oh, God, I don't really like eye contact.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Maybe just give it some time?
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- She's having a lot of fun with her friends, Zumba dancing. - What's Zumba dancing?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38It infuses Latin rhythms, everyone's talking about it, it's big news.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Be warned, Adam, women are like roads,
0:17:42 > 0:17:46the more curves they've got, the more likely you are to kill yourself.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50I'm not seeing the complete picture. What did I do wrong?
0:17:50 > 0:17:55- You got drunk and ran Grandpa over. - It wasn't that. These things are complicated,- Come on, you're a mate,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, what was it?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I don't know, maybe you were just trying to look like
0:18:01 > 0:18:02an alpha male all the time?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06I'm a pretty sensitive guy underneath all this.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Yeah, yeah, me too. Maybe you should have shown that you were fallible?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11it's good to see a bit of vulnerability.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13You're pulling my plonker.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- No, no, I don't think I am. - Really?
0:18:16 > 0:18:21All right, you're the boss, I can pretend to be a bit of a loser.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22- OK.- What about this?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Vulnerable?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Erm...
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Bad note. I think just be kind.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32What?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- I turned two pages at once! - Oh, God, throw it away.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38We could bring Grandpa back, like Jurassic Park.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Oh, Simon, I've done something awful.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58- Oh, what?- I'm very sorry.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Oh.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01It must have been dry clean only.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Yeah, maybe.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06I should have checked, it was your favourite.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Oh, no, that one? No. It was too big, really.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I'm doing your no-fish fish balls.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- How are you feeling about me living here?- It's lovely having you.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Is it?- It's lovely. - OK.- Really, lovely.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23I'm feeling a bit concerned that it's been...
0:19:23 > 0:19:24..Am I annoying here?
0:19:24 > 0:19:29No! You annoying? You're my grandson.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30But if Barry's got this flat, I could...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Oh, you don't want to live in London.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Just stay here, where's the sense in moving?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- I could just be nearer the play. - You can get the tube, easy.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Well, still it's just a whole... - No, no, no
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- you are completely free to go, any time you want. - Could you talk to Barry?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Anytime YOU want. I just don't see the sense in it.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Why can't he have the flat? Just out of curiosity?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Tanya, please. - No, no, I'm very calm.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05It's just he owes a lot of money to Derren Brown, Barry says.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06- Derren Brown?- This is tension.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Listen to my voice! Light, smooth.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- So what is the problem... - Well, for starters,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14he'd have to prove that he is using it for work purposes.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Yeah, well he probably got a play now.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- That doesn't count!- So what...
0:20:20 > 0:20:23So, what exactly, if you had to put it into words...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25What you don't seem to understand -
0:20:25 > 0:20:28entertainers have the highest insurance premiums.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31When was the last time he entertained anyone?
0:20:31 > 0:20:36- It's not just a question of me handing over my keys.- It's such a big a deal, isn't it?- Mum, Mum, Mum.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37If Simon were to use the flat,
0:20:37 > 0:20:41I would have to sign a form to say that I was solely responsible for anything that goes on.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43What do you think is going to go on?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45We don't know, do we?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- Nothing, nothing will go on. - Drugs? Prostitutes?- OK, Mum...
0:20:48 > 0:20:51My son is the most reliable, dull person you could have in there.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53He doesn't even eat fish!
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Tanya. That's enough.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58I seem to remember a certain incident of someone walking
0:20:58 > 0:20:59dog poo into our car.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- When he was 7?- We had to have it professionally cleaned.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- He was 7!- No I should have known better, it's true.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06If he looked after his money...
0:21:06 > 0:21:11Excuse me, he's rich in soul! You know what forget the flat.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13No, don't forget, remember the flat! Remember!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Why can't he live with one of his friends?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Because he's embarrassed about not having any money,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19and is trying to look like a recluse!
0:21:19 > 0:21:20At the end of the day,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22even if I were to make the appropriate calls,
0:21:22 > 0:21:23nothing is guaranteed.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25But, you could call...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Tanya! He's not a responsible adult, OK?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30What do you mean?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Actually, I was just talking to Adam in the loft,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34because I'm quite kind you know.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36I feel sort of responsible for him, in a way.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38What? What are you talking to my son about?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- What did he say? - No, nothing.- What's wrong?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Nothing. I was just talking to him in the loft, I'm saying he's all right,
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- he's cool about stuff.- Adam!- What are you doing?- What did he say? - He didn't say anything.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I don't know what he's told you but the reason is Barry snores,
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- that's why he's been sleeping in the spare room. That's all. There's nothing wrong.- Oh, dear God.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00What's... I mean, he's all right about Grandpa and everything.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05What?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Have you had a fish ball? - No.- Well have one!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21So, what do you think? It's possible?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Unbelievable! I will ask for you, OK?
0:22:24 > 0:22:25If it's so important,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29nothing else is going on in the world, as usual, I'll ask for you.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34Thank you, Barry. Say thank you to Barry, Simon.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Thank you, Barry. When do you think you'll know,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38just so I know what I'm doing with my life.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Next week, perhaps? Is that OK?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Yes, perfect, fine. Thank you. Sorry, I won't mention it again.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47You're very kind. Isn't Barry kind? He's very kind.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52What do you think the chances are? 80-20?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Are you ready? Come on, we're all waiting now.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59No, you'll laugh.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00No, we won't.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01HE SNORTS
0:23:01 > 0:23:03PHONE MESSAGE ALERT
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Is that my phone?
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Oh, I promised I'd ask,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09is there any way you'd be happier getting back with Clive?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- No!- OK, just checking.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I'd be happier with Ralph Moat.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Raoul? Raoul Moat? - Not Ralph?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Right, you ready? I'm... I'm coming in!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Ready or not, here goes nothing!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- They've offered me the part.- What?!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I'm coming in!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Ben spoke to the producer, he's worried that
0:23:26 > 0:23:28they've insulted me asking to audition,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31they think I'm a really interesting choice.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34He's got the play. They've offered it to him, Mum!
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- Oh, thank God. I exist, I'm a person. - Ah, isn't he clever?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Well?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42This is going to launch you! Do you hear me? This is it.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44You get Russell Brand a ticket.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Oh, and he did it all on his own, didn't you?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47No father!
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Hello!
0:23:48 > 0:23:52BOTH: # There's no business like show business
0:23:52 > 0:23:55# Like no business I know... #
0:23:55 > 0:23:57TANYA! You made me put it on!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Well, Mum, what do you think? It's brilliant, isn't it?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- When does it start? - I think rehearsals start Monday.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Can you stop going on about a stupid bloody play? I'm Uma Thurman here!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14It's good, no?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Sexy?
0:24:19 > 0:24:24Don't be annoyed, it looks lovely.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28You can keep it, if you want, I don't know what I should come as.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Are you going as well?
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Oh, no, no, I mean for something else.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37What, another fancy dress party?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- What's going on? Who's party is it? - Someone change the record? Liz.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Will somebody please speak?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50We're having a small party for our anniversary, all right?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54So, what was the part then, in the play?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Ariel.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58She doesn't care. Are you not inviting me?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02You're not inviting me, are you? No, that's fine.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Oh, don't make a whole thing about it, Tanya.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- I'm not.- I'm getting changed.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Look, it's a couples thing.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12It's a couples thing.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Course it is. Yeah, I understand.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Yeah?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Cool, OK, good, good.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Wagamama!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- Oi!- God, there's a lock!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31It's what he would have wanted!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Do you know what? I'm family.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41We have friends who have invited us to their anniversary parties,
0:25:41 > 0:25:42so we have to invite them.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47- Shh, you're invited, you're invited. - You don't really want to go to this party do you?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50It's the principle. It's my sister's anniversary.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Yeah, but do you ever even see each other socially, just like,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54you and Liz, for a coffee or something?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- What?- Who meets up for coffee?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59We're not some ridiculous women in a TV show. We're a family,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02it's important we're able to sit in the same room together.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06We don't even have to talk, just say hello, keep it light, and go home.
0:26:06 > 0:26:13So, we're all agreed, yeah? Tanya's invited, yeah, Barry?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Maybe you could come with Clive? - Don't mention Clive all the time.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Well don't keep him in the loft then.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- You know what? Fuck you both. - Tanya!- And you!- Oh!
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Sorry, not you. You're both so high and mighty, aren't you?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- No.- What are you talking about now?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34You couldn't just say, "Yeah, of course Simon can use the flat for a couple of weeks,"
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- No, no, you have to make it like it is really putting you out!- Tanya!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- Tanya, what you don't seem to... - HE SNORTS
0:26:40 > 0:26:42..understand is...
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Well, I wonder why it's difficult for me to...
0:26:44 > 0:26:45- SHE SNORTS - ..Understand?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Sorry, that wasn't necessary.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Oh, she's got such a mouth.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52He's talking to the person for me, please let's not make a whole thing.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55We all do things for family, Barry.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58He's doing it. Thank you again, by the way. It's very good of you.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00He did say he'd ask.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Why couldn't you lend him your Dictaphone?- Oh!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- What?- What? I don't know what she's talking about.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Every time I come into this house another drama. Thank you.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Well, thank you all for a brilliant day.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Hang on, I'm still talking.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16So, what are you going to go as?
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Thanks, Tanya. Thanks very much. All I wanted was one pleasant day.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24- Oh, shut up! - Shh, shoosh. Is he OK?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- I tried, didn't I? Tried again with your family.- What?
0:27:27 > 0:27:31All right. So you'll let me know, yeah? That's a nice coat.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32CRASHING FROM UPSTAIRS
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Oh, what was that?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37What's happened?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39It all just came from up there.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Oh, gosh, my ceiling.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Oh, my God. Who's is all this?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- Er, it's Simon's. - Not mine, they're...
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Actually folks, they're mine.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- What?- Sorry gang, it gets quite lonely up there.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55What do you think you're doing,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58dropping your pornography all over my son?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- You could have killed him. - You didn't bring these..
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Sorry, Lily, I'm a fallible old pervert, nothing can be done.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06I'll be gone as soon as I fix the roof, well,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08and this hole in the ceiling now.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09I think it may be best if you went now.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Right.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15No, hang on. Clive's fixing my Mum's roof.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- It doesn't look like it. - Did you offer to do it?
0:28:18 > 0:28:23No. What are you doing for this family? You don't masturbate, no?
0:28:23 > 0:28:26You just have functional sex twice a year with Kill Bill?
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Simon's right, you are a patronising shit.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34Clive is a generous, kind man, let him have a wank in the loft!
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Oh, Tanya.
0:28:38 > 0:28:4060-40?
0:28:59 > 0:29:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd