0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13- SOBS:- Mine would, sir, were I human.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17Mine would, sir, were I human.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21Mine would, sir, were I human.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22What's that?
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Oh, God, when did you get here? I'm crying. I have to cry tomorrow.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- Oh, OK, carry on.- I'm not doing it with you standing there.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31No? It was good.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35- Don't you want it to look like you're actually crying though? - It did, didn't it?
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- It looks like you're about to laugh. - That's...that's what I look like when I'm sad, it's my mouth.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43It sounded like an asthma attack. I breastfed you for two years so you wouldn't be asthmatic.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- That was very good of you.- It was.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I have to read all this stuff. The rehearsals start tomorrow.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52- Is there going to be a big opening night?- It's not that kind of thing.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Aw.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59I'm so proud I could cry, but I don't want to rub it in.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Come down, I'll show you how to do it.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05"I'm not human!"
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- I bought party rings. Do you like party rings, Simon?- Erm...
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Or I've got Celebrations. And Mini Eggs!
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Can you eat Mini Eggs? They're very small.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Oh, won't it be wonderful, Mum?
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Can you sit?
0:01:28 > 0:01:34...to have thousands of people coming to see my baby acting in the West End!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It is wonderful, wonderful!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39You were so good at the presenting, remember?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42You know it's not...you know it's quite a small space?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- What, how many?- About 80.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Oh, for God's sake! 80?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- It's like a really cool, intimate space.- Intimate.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Not pointless, intimate!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53And this is what you're so panicked about?
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Yeah, they'll be so close.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58They'll be able to see directly into my dry, soulless eyes.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I'm going to bring some of it in now, yeah?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03I thought I'd put things in small bowls for here,
0:02:03 > 0:02:05and then, later, big bowls.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I never use the small bowls, they must be very upset with me.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11SHE LAUGHS
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Or should I not bother with the small bowls?
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Oh, I'll bring 'em in, may as well use 'em. I've got 'em!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Make 'em happy, huh?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Is she OK?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- I've told you and you don't listen. - What?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28She's suffering from unresolved grief.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Oh, shut up! She's just excited about the bowls.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33I like bowls - do you think I'm deranged?
0:02:33 > 0:02:34A bit.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Nigella!- And these are from the party shop on Woodford Avenue.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Have you been? Oh, do you want to wear a party hat yet or not?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- I'm OK.- No.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46And what about this?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Grrrr!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Ha! Well, see how you feel.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56What are you looking so anxious for?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59You'll figure it out in the rehearsals, there's no rush.
0:02:59 > 0:03:0380! You do your impressions on a bus for more people.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Is that all you want me doing? Impressions on a bus. Of who?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Do your Rocky. "Adrienne!"
0:03:09 > 0:03:11"Adrienne, I'm on a bus."
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- I'm trying to learn The Tempest. - "I don't know The Tempest. Adrienne!"
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- ON PHONE:- Hello?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Oh, Bibby, I've looked! Really, I promise.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I think I would have noticed a tortoise with a hat on.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I haven't got dementia yet!
0:03:27 > 0:03:32No! Really, I've got enough tchotchkes of my own!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Too many! All right, I've got to go!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Simon's going to be in a play!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Who's that?
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Oh! Bibby!
0:03:41 > 0:03:46She's gone potty. She can't find her tortoise.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Oh, my God! Oh, shit.- What?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51The Culture Show are filming the rehearsal tomorrow.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Really? No! Really? They're coming to film you?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57THAT is why you do a shitty play!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Oh, thank God! This is the big comeback!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02They're filming Ben, it's his first time directing.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Oh. Still, you'll get your face in, yeah? You push yourself forward.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08You're going to be back on TV!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I'm going to be exposed as a terrible actor.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13No, you're not, no-one ever picks up on that stuff.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- What the frig? - Hello, are you here today?
0:04:22 > 0:04:23You've fucked me.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Have I? Which, what did I... Did you come from the loft?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- No, of course not. - Oh, I thought I heard some banging.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Probably ants. Why didn't you say Mum was here today?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Why didn't...? Oh, it's her birthday thing.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- What's that smell?- What smell?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Oh, no, I don't know.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Oh, bugger! Sorry, I thought it might have dried by now.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46It's all right, it's quite faint.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I must have packed the bat away before the end of my innings.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53What did you...oh, right, oh right, yeah, bloody leaking bat!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55You should go down. Go down, there's party hats.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59What? And let her see me like this? No way, Si. Bad call.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I've got to go. I'm not screwing up tonight.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02What's Mum said about it?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04What's Mum said about what?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Come on, Captain, this is do or die, sink or swim.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I'm not sure, I don't know... What are we talking about?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Hasn't she mentioned it?
0:05:12 > 0:05:17God! I've got such clammy hands! Clammy Clive!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I wouldn't worry so much about your hands.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23It's our first, well, no, not our first, but it's a date.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24- WHISPERS:- I'm back in the game.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Yeah, are you all right? You seem a bit...
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Yeah, I had a drink last night. Jesus Christ, why?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Oh, that's all right, it's fine. One drink.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Oh right, OK, well, still, it's...
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Go down, put a hat on, talk to Mum about it.- No.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41It's her birthday. I wasn't invited.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Oh, it's not like the whole thing. She's not that big on birthdays.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- Look at me.- You look great.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- It's quite an airy room so you don't have to worry about... - You really think I look all right?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Because we're nearly out of the woods but I've just got to ram it home.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57It's the "just got out of bed" look, isn't it?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Have you just got out of bed? Did you sleep in the loft?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Yes, I did, sir.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- Why?- Let's not get sidetracked.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Promise me you won't tell Mum.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08OK.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10You've got to sneak me out, mate.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13DOORBELL RINGS
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Oh, hello! Come in.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18# Happy birthday to you
0:06:18 > 0:06:22# Happy birthday to you
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- # Happy birthday dear Tanya...# - Why are you so perky?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Have you been using the Finger Tingler I got you?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Ugh, Tanya, Adam's right here.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Finger what?
0:06:30 > 0:06:31That's so disgusting.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Oh, let your mother enjoy herself.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- # Happy birthday... # - You're not supposed to leave it in, you know.- Can you stop?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Oh, look at Adam!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Ooh! Party hats!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44SHE LAUGHS
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Why haven't you got your hat on?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Oh, Mum! Where's this from?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Oh, I don't know, do you want it?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Adam, put a hat on. I love it.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56You know I love pandas.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58So, what you got me?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Here you go! For my favourite sister.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Mwah!
0:07:03 > 0:07:07You're creeping me out now, seriously. Why are you so happy?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10We're celebrating. Why shouldn't we celebrate my sister's birthday?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- I thought Barry was meant to be coming?- WE'RE CELEBRATING!
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Look at this panda!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19You can have it if you want, I don't mind.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I'll put it with your coat and you can take it home with you.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I love pandas, don't I?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Oh, what are you doing? Come in! Liz and Adam are here.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Oh, good.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Come on.
0:07:33 > 0:07:39OK. Oh, although, actually, could we have a mildly serious discussion about something?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Do you want me to peel it for you?
0:07:42 > 0:07:43No, it's OK.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45So how are you...how are you feeling about..
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Oh, you always want to be serious!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Look, it's a lovely day, you've got a banana.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56There's enough going on! No point being a misery, is there?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58But is there...what if you needed to cry?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I mean, if things don't go expressed, is there a danger of...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04No! Absolutely not.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Do you want to talk about... I feel like we don't really talk about Grandpa.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10And shouldn't we be able to talk about him a bit?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12We can talk about Grandpa if you like.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Can we?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Of course!
0:08:15 > 0:08:17SHE LAUGHS
0:08:17 > 0:08:20OK, well, do you ever miss him?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I know what you want!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27There you go. You like cats, don't you?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yeah.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Miaow.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33What I'm saying is there's perhaps sadness,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36there's perhaps emotion that's not being expressed.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40I'll put it in your room.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Eat your banana. Good boy. Potassium!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Do you want me to open it now?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Oh, no. Wait for Mum now.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- Do you want to be in my film? - What did I say?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- What? That he'll say no because he's selfish?- No!
0:08:55 > 0:08:59I said not to bother him on your birthday, that's all.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00What is it? Sit down.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- We've got to make a 10-minute film in media and I've got a part for you.- What's the part?
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Dr Scribbens. It's a paedophile who gets murdered by me and my mates.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- Is there a script or...?- God, you think you're such an actor now. "Is there a script?"
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Well, is there?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I dunno, if you want. It'll mostly just be sounds of killing.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh, who's that now?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Might be Annette! She'll be in your film - she's wild!
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Don't move.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25What's your weird friend coming for?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28We need someone here with a bit of personality.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Oh, gosh, a fireman.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Oh, go inside, I'll deal with it.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Is there a fire?- No, no, it's a surprise. Just go and get Simon.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40- I'm here for Tanya?- Yeah.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Are you Gary? Oh, how exciting!
0:09:43 > 0:09:47I did say I wanted tall, dark and handsome, but you can't have everything!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I'm only joking! Come in.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I did ask for a black one though.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Simon, your mum wants you to go and talk to the fireman.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- What's going on?- I dunno. Want to come and help with the table? Yeah?
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Course I will, Mummy!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06So, you gonna be in this film or what?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I think I'm a bit busy to be a paedophile.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Oh, it'll just be a few hours. - I know but I'm really panicking...
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- My dad's moved out, you know. - Has he? When? When?
0:10:14 > 0:10:15I'm not supposed to tell anyone.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18You shouldn't have told me. Why are you telling me?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I dunno, I just thought you know what it's like, don't you?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I mean, I don't care, but you know, I mean it's not a big deal.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Right, no, so, are you OK? You're all right, aren't you?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- You're all right? - Yeah, we're filming Saturday.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Simon! >
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I've...I've got to go and talk to a fireman.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Guess what I've done.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50- Is it something to do with fire? I've really got to practise... - I've hired a stripper.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51For what?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54For my birthday. He's going to strip for me.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- What, now? In the house? - Yeah, obviously!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Why? Hello.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59All right.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01How is he? How are you going...
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- Really?- Yes!- What's going on? Are you having some sort of crisis?
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- What is this? I thought you weren't big on birthdays.- It's fun!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Is it fun? Yeah, what in the context of a hen night in a nightclub,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14not a small birthday lunch for some Jews.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Once Annette gets here, it'll start to feel more like a party.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22What, you've hired a stripper for yourself. That's not what you're... Aren't Mini Eggs enough anymore?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- Sorry, what's your name?- Gary.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28- Hello, Gary. Isn't it supposed to be a surprise thing?- Well, pretend.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Who are you pretending to?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31OK, go on, do your shocked face.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Great, and then you have to point at someone.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- Who are we saying booked Gary? - I'll point at you.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37And what face am I doing?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- I'm not doing that face. - You will do that face. Show me you can do the face.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44How is this going to help me find emotional truth?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Just do the face!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48So what, while we're all in the living room,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51a man is going to come in and show us his penis?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Don't be such a prude! You'll make Gary nervous.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57And then there'll be less to see! SHE LAUGHS
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Sorry, Gary. I'm sure your penis will be a big hit with my grandma.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03This is a bit odd though, isn't it? This is a bit odd!
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Nothing surprises me anymore.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Simon used to dance. Show Gary your tap.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- What...what's wrong with you?- Go on!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Give 'em the old razzle dazzle.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14OK, I have to go. I have to go.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Or do your Rocky!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- I look too young, don't I? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I was gonna say.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24HE GENTLY SNORES
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Clive.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Clive.- Oh what...what's going on?
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Er...
0:12:31 > 0:12:36I was having a nightmare. Richard Hammond was tickling me.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- Right.- It was relentless.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41OK, I think now may be a good moment if you want to try and leave again.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Right, good, great.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Animal!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Oh, Clive! Where did you come from?
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- Ah, young Simon let me in.- Oh come in, I didn't know you were coming.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58It's OK - I've bought so much food, we'll never get through it.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02No, no, no, no, just popped back for the old tools.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- Got them now. - Oh, take your coat off,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- Oh, Lily!- Oh, you're sweating!
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Do you want a flannel?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Oh, Clive! I didn't know you were coming.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Oof, what's that smell?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Where are the tools?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Can you smell piss?
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Why is he here?
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- Oh, he slept in the loft. - Why he's sleeping in the loft?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I think it's because he's a ridiculous human being.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45What's the...what's the plan now? Shall we let Gary take the rest of the day off or...?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48No! I didn't invite Clive for that bit.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Why are you pretending to be a big sex maniac if you're getting back with Clive?
0:13:51 > 0:13:55I'm not getting back with Clive. I'm just thanking him for doing the roof.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57It's good to keep in with him, in case I get really desperate.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Oh, that's nice. Do you want to talk to him so I can get on with my...
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- No!- I've just clocked who you are.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I thought, "Who is it?" and then it was the voice.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Oh, what's my voice like?
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Oh, you know, "It's a bit odd, isn't it?! Your penis!"
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Yeah, you rip it out of them.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Who did you make cry?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Uh, he can make other people cry.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Didn't someone try to commit suicide cos you... - No, he was already quite depressed.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Oh, I'm an actor really but it's all performing.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Basically, it's the same, isn't it?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Yeah, it's pretty much. Yeah, I suppose. Is it?
0:14:28 > 0:14:33- Anyway, once my mate gets here you can just come in and surprise me, yeah?- Yeah.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37PHONE RINGS Oh! Hello? Sorry, excuse me. Simon can keep you company.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Hiya! Thank you!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- Hello.- All right.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48So, do you erm, do you ever wear any other outfits or are you always a fireman?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Fireman.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Cool. So, what are we going to expect later?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Well, basically, I go in, do a bit of banter and then I take all the gear off.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Right, good and er...what's the, what's the journey? Is there a journey? What's the twist?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I've got a pretty big dick.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Right. Good twist. Fun.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05OK, I've got to go and erm...
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Oh, you're still here? Is my alarm OK?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Your alarm?
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Cos...cos you're a fireman.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Oh, right, yeah. Er...
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Make sure you change the batteries at least once every 12 months.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20And if you think it's losing power just take it out,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22give it a good rub.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Lovely.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Can you come down and get rid of Clive now, please?
0:15:31 > 0:15:32I almost cried!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Did you?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I could feel one tear. I was so pleased it happened, I stopped crying.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Come down. Can't you just squeeze some lemon juice in your eyes?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- I'm not taking a lemon in.- You could pop a small lemon in your pocket.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Ben Theodore can cry out of either eye.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48He can choose a duct!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I promise you'll be wonderful.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53How? I'm not emotionally open. I'm not ethereal, am I?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55What does ethereal look like?
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Like all...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05That's Ariel. I'm not fluid.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I haven't done any pilates for months, I'm not juicing here.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Grandma keeps forgetting my pumpkin seeds.- Pumpkin seeds!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Can't you just be normal?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Have you seen what normal people look like?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I'm not going to seduce Ben Theodore with a stomach full of potatoes.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Shush. Do you want Mummy to massage your shoulder?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- You've made me numb. - How have I made you numb?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25The therapist, when I could still pay her,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27said that during the divorce I shut down emotions
0:16:27 > 0:16:29because Dad was making you cry, and...
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- I'm just saying, if this family was more emotionally open, I'd be a good actor.- Really?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Look, you'll do it like you - stiff. It'll be funny.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I don't want to be stiff.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Hello, I'm a person!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Come on down, Simon.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- Oh, sorry. - Oh, Liz won't let me go.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Apparently we're playing a game now and Mum's ignoring me.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- She's probably just busy with the fireman.- Si, I can't get through to my sponsor,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I need to talk through last night's debacle.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- I'm shitting blood, I need to talk to someone. - Are you shitting blood?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Turn of phrase.- Oh, right.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Isn't it "shitting bricks"?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Yeah, that's why there's so much blood.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Got it.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- Where are you, Kevin?- Oh, all right.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17It's OK, I'm here. What should I say?
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- "Don't drink any more?" What are the words? - It's all gone a bit Pete Tong.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Wow? Really?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Well...well, more than a bit. It's gone completely Pete Tong.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Pete Tong?!- Wrong.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Yeah, I know, it's just, nice to hear someone still saying it.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Si, will you come in there with me?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I just came down to get some...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Look, I'm a bloody mess, I'm a prick.- You're not a prick. You're not.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43It's not easy, is it, this stuff? It's addictive.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46They shouldn't sell it. We should all be drinking water and juice.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Have you got a juicer? - I'm not a complete twat!
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Thanks, mate. Come on.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Where's Mum? Oh, something really stinks.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Erm, Bibby wants to know if Mum's seen her panda.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02What?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04She thinks she might have taken it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06What? Shut up!
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- What did she say? "Did she steal the panda?" - No. Shh, I'm texting Annette.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- Why are we saying "no"? - She didn't steal a panda!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Of course she didn't steal a panda.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19I think she may have. I really think she might not be dealing with stuff properly.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20So she stole a panda?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Shall we ask her? Is that a thing to do?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- No!- No! What's wrong with you?
0:18:24 > 0:18:28I can't get rid of this fireman, he keeps going on and on about ladders.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Clive, will you open this?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Of course. Avec pleasure.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Let's get this party started, as Pink once suggested.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Did you buy champagne, Mum? We never drink anything.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Well, it's an occasion.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Yeah, open your present.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Oh, bugger!- Are you OK?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Yeah, fine, fine. Think I'll need a drink after this, Lily!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54What's "Wasabi"?
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Wasabi!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00It's a board game where you make sushi.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I thought we could play it today.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Mum, what was that phone call you wanted to discuss?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07I didn't want to discuss anything.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Do you want to play Wasabi, Simon?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Wasabi!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I start rehearsing this thing tomorrow. The Culture Show are...
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I can't act authentically if... Oh, God!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20What? Finish your sentences.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Cor, never mind crying - you can't even talk!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Come on! If I'm playing, you're playing, Si.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Aren't you going soon?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Tanya, shush! Where are you taking Tanya tonight?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32It's not a big deal, Mum.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33- CORK POPS - Woo!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Have you got a tea towel, Lily?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Oh, lick your fingers, I don't mind.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Don't lick fingers, wipe it on your trousers.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43There you go. Oh, maybe not there.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Take a cup.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Clive's an alcoholic.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Oh, yeah, I remember.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Don't worry about me, Si!
0:19:51 > 0:19:55What's wrong with you? Don't upset me on my birthday.
0:19:55 > 0:20:01Right, you draw a variety of delicious ingredients from the pantry, yeah?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04And play them one at a time onto the board.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- This is why I can't cry! - Can I carry on?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Why didn't I cry at the funeral? Why is that?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Do you know how long your mate will be? I've got another gig later.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Oh, er...
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Tanya, what's going on?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20It's a surprise. Gary's a stripper.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Is he? As well?!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Are they allowed to do that?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Tanya, are you serious?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Can you believe it? Simon booked him.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Ah, that's nice.- Mum booked him. - Don't be modest!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35It's very generous to buy your mother a stripper.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- So, can I get on with it? - No, you can't!- Liz!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Sorry my sister's not used to seeing naked men.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43What? Yes, she is! Aren't you?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46All right, shall we just get it done so we can get on with things?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48No! Annette will be here soon.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Sit down. Do you know how to play Wasabi?
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Ah!
0:20:53 > 0:20:57- What? Wasabi?- Yeah, it's like Scrabble but with fish.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- Yeah, it's wicked.- Here you are. - Thanks, darling.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04- Tanya, I didn't come round to play Wasabi with a sex worker. - I'm not a prostitute.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05- No, no, I know.- Have you ever...
0:21:05 > 0:21:07No, don't talk to the...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09No, I'm sure you're a very nice guy.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12You're not having a prostitute! How many times?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Do you want a party hat, Gary? - Viking.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19What's wrong? Are you about to cry?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22No. Nothing.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24There you go.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Good health!
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Oh, my God!
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Our mother's a criminal!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39It's not funny. We'll have to bury it.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- You need to talk to her. - Oh, she's fine.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- You're drinking stolen champagne. - Am I? It's lovely.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- Maybe she's stealing because she feels he was stolen from her, or something?- Ugh!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- Forget it.- What?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53She's probably got it out of her system now.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Yeah, fine. Can we go and play the game I bought you now?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57What are we doing? What are we doing?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Shh! Come and play Wasabi.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Oh! Everything all right?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- I, I, I'm going...- OK.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10It's a disaster.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15She hated me being here, I've totally screwed up tonight's...
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- Oh, I'm weak.- No, you're strong.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21I just necked four glasses of bubbly.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Quite weak.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Oh! Clive!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26All right. It's OK.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Last week I had a whole bag of mixed seeds. We're all fallible.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I'm just going to go home and dive into the scotch. There's nothing...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35No, no, that's not good.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Look, stay here. I'm your sponsor guy. Come and see the stripper.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- SHOUTS:- Fuck!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44HE SOBS
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Jesus Christ! What's wrong with me?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Hold me, Simon.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00Oh, all right, OK, I can do that, all right. There we go.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02All right, all right.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04How are you doing that?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Oh, no, Annette can't come.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15She's got her ex over.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17They're talking about getting back together.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Great(!) Oh, well, if Annette's not coming, you know what that means!
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- You know when Michael Jackson died? - What?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I really sort of felt like that connected with me.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32But when Grandpa died, it wasn't... I don't know why but it wasn't...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Are we all ready to see Gary strip now?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- Jesus Christ! Simon!- What?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Michael Jackson was a wonderful singer.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40And we'll never forget him.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- But shouldn't I feel more about Grandpa?- No!
0:23:42 > 0:23:43He was your grandpa and you loved him,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45but he wasn't the King Of Pop, was he?
0:23:45 > 0:23:46But he was my grandpa.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Was your grandpa the first black man on MTV?
0:23:48 > 0:23:49No.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Tanya, do you want to wear a party hat yet?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54So what do you want from us? I miss Diana.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Oh, I'll never forgive Camilla.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00She shouldn't have been at the wedding, they should have hung her.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Who cares about this other weird family? A man we knew died.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05What about Terence Trent D'Arby?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Is he dead?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10There you go, Simon, are you happy now?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13We've all said something about how we feel.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- I don't know if we have. Are you sure we have?- We have.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19What about you? Are you OK? Are you sad or angry about anything?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Are you gonna be my paedo or what?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23There's nothing wrong with my son, thank you.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25It's his hormones.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- He hasn't got hormones. - He's got pubes now.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Ah, good work, sir. - HE CLAPS
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Tanya, can you tell him? We're all fine, thank you very much.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- Are we? You're fine with everything in your life?- Yes. Why?
0:24:38 > 0:24:45Does anybody know what he's going on about? I don't know what we've done to have to listen to such rubbish.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- Adam seemed to think there was something.- Don't listen to him, he lies about everything.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52There's something wrong with his brain. He's a weirdo.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54OK, what about the panda then? Can we talk about that?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Ooh, what's going on? Why is there a fireman here?
0:24:58 > 0:25:03Hello, ladies. I heard there was a fire...in someone's loins.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Oh, it's in my loins!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I got an emergency call that there was a birthday girl
0:25:09 > 0:25:13called Tanya who said she needed a man...
0:25:13 > 0:25:15with a big hose.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17It's like he's saying penis.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19SHE LAUGHS
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Carry on, I was just going, don't mind me.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Oh, no. Stay, Clive. Watch the stripper.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- Yeah, come on, Clive. - Take a seat mate, enjoy the show.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30I'd rather stand if it's all right.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Don't worry, mate, your daughter's safe with me.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Right, let's stop messing about.
0:25:37 > 0:25:42To the birthday girl who's on fire, and I'm here to spray her down.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- What's he getting at now? - OK, Mum! Can we stop?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47No. Shush, enough. Keep going.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50For God's sake! Bibby phoned.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52- No, she didn't. - OK, Bibby didn't phone.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55She's lost her husband, why shouldn't she have a bloody panda?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Cos it's Bibby's. - I'll buy Bibby a shitty panda.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Is she still saying I took her panda?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I'll go round there and slit her throat!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Daddy bought me that panda in Lanzarote.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09There you go, it's the Lanzarote panda. Finished.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10How finished? What about all the stuff...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Finished. Don't stop!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14The Lanzarote panda?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Yes! Screw Bibby.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19SHRIEKING
0:26:19 > 0:26:22OK, mister, I think we've all seen enough now.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23There are ladies present.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- Oh, Clive!- Well, hang on, mate, I ain't finished yet.- No, come on now.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Listen, mate, if you want to get involved, yeah?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Let's see what Daddy's hiding, shall we?
0:26:31 > 0:26:37Right now. Just get your hands off me, you fucking queer!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39No offence, Si!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42What are you doing, Clive? Get out.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- Out!- Sorry, OK. Oh, God, sorry!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50- Erm, are we still gonna...- No!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Well, I've got tickets to Shrek.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Again? Why do you keep buying tickets to Shrek?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- Well, you said you...- Just go!
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Tanya!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I'd like to see it, Clive!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02So should I keep going or...?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04No.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- Sorry.- Oh, no, let him finish. He's come all this way.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Hi, sorry are you OK to wait for your friend outside?
0:27:15 > 0:27:19It's just there's a family crisis, it's awkward having a stripper in the kitchen.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20I'm not just a stripper, mate.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24I know, I know. Sorry, you're an actor. Or do you mean you're a human being? What do you mean?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I used to think you were all right, but you're a real prick, aren't you?
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Am I? Which bit? Sorry, I've just got to...
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Oh, just piss off, will you, mate?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I don't know why you have to be so...
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Oh, God!
0:27:37 > 0:27:43Do you think I wanna be getting my dick out in front of a load of slags every night?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46All right, just wait here, it's fine. Sorry. I didn't think you'd get so upset.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50It's called acting, mate, you fucking twat.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02- I'll call you about that film, yeah? - Cool.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd