0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10You still haven't told me what happened at the theatre with Clive.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12If you ask me one more time!
0:00:12 > 0:00:14We sat down, we watched the show!
0:00:14 > 0:00:17What do you want from me?
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Have you thought any more about Mum moving?
0:00:19 > 0:00:22She's not moving into a home full of facacta old people!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25It's not a home full of facacta old people!
0:00:25 > 0:00:27It's a nice block of retirement flats.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30I went with Debbie Greenbaum and her mother had crumbs in her hair.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32What you whispering about?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36What?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38We were, we were just talking about...
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Tanya feeling a bit bloated.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Oh, yeah?
0:00:44 > 0:00:48- What you doing?- Untuck a bit, no? - Get off me! Mum!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I'll get you a plum. Who wants a plum? I've got plums.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55So are you driving to this woman tonight?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Oh, don't make me drive into London.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- Does Liz's face look a bit dry to you?- What woman?
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- She's going to meet someone to play kalooki.- In London? Where? What for?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08- Hampstead. I think she'll make her feel better about stuff.- What stuff?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Can't you both leave her alone? She's stopped the stealing now.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- What's that, then?- What?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17The gorilla? Aw, that's cute.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20So who is this woman? She's not part of your cult, is she?
0:01:20 > 0:01:24What, Jews? She's just like a sort of counsellor.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Huh! I don't think so! She's fine, thank you very much.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Is Liz's skin upsetting you or not?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32It's all self catered, they're allowed out and everything.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Sounds like a prison, Liz. - It's not a prison!
0:01:35 > 0:01:39- Worse! At least in prison, you might get a good fuck.- Oh, there we go(!)
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- Mum! Stop mopping for a minute!- OK.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54You never know who might pop over.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Who's popping over? Oh, not Clive!
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- What?- The work on the roof's done now, isn't it?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04You never know. He's still single.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Mum! Stop mopping, it's over.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Yeah, Mum, please stop mopping.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12You, stop! Who else is there?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15You tell me who should look after her! Go on!
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Malcolm the chicken man?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I'm not touching Malcolm the chicken man!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Well, you need to touch someone!
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Call Clive for your old mother.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Maybe he's free today and wants to come over for some bridge rolls.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I've got a load of taramasalata.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Mum, he's...
0:02:36 > 0:02:38You're 52!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- What time's she got to be there? - Oh, for God's sake.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- We're leaving in half an hour. - Maybe she has gone a bit potty, Liz.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- Simon's living here, he...- Oh, well, I think I might know why, then!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Maybe I'll call Poirot, see if he can work out why, yeah(?)
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Hello? Poirot?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58What happened? Did Poirot hang up?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Maybe he went under a tunnel. He's often on trains, isn't he?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- I made an appointment for her. - You haven't!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07You can't buy one when you're ill. You've got to be healthy.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- Then you can get ill?- Maybe we should open up a bit and ask Grandma how she feels about being put in a home.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Oh, shut up!- Eugh!- Tanya, it's better than her seeing
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- some nutty counsellor your son...! - Don't say counsellor so loudly.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20It's just a woman who likes kalooki.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- They'll just talk. It's kalooki and talking.- You can't do that, can you?
0:03:24 > 0:03:28It's fine. Why does no-one trust me anymore? This is what I do - I make people happy.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- Who?- The people. I'm a professional joy-giver.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Look, can we just get real for a minute
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- and have a look at these flats?- No!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40She'll go to the grief counsellor first and see how that goes.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42She's not specifically a grief counsellor.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Where did you find this random woman? - Ben Theodore.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- Ah!- Oh, of course, Ben Theodore.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Are you sleeping with him yet or did you just find her number in his bin?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Is it a famous actress?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Is it... Hang on, let me guess. ..er, Joanna Lumley?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58It's not an actress. Ben thinks she's amazing.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00She's got a three-month waiting list.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Can I meet Joanna Lumley?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- I don't... I don't know. - No! You know who I do want to meet?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Emma Thompson.- I mean, this isn't really what we're doing.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10That bit, do you know the bit I mean?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Where she stops herself crying, because she's got to put on
0:04:12 > 0:04:16a happy face for her children and her friends. Oh, that's my life!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- Sorry...- Ask me what Simon's up to at the moment.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Yeah. Can we just...?- Go on.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23What's Simon up to at the moment?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26He's in a shitty play no-one's going to see! How are you?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29So, sorry. Can someone tell me why he's taking my mum
0:04:29 > 0:04:31to see a complete stranger?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34She helped Ben, he was having trouble finding his Hamlet.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36You're taking her to an acting coach?
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Therapist! She does everything.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40You didn't see Ben's Hamlet. He really found the hell out of it.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- Right, so you're happy that...?- Ssh!
0:04:42 > 0:04:46"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy."
0:04:46 > 0:04:49That's Julia Roberts. That's a different one.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- So we're going to Aces tonight, yeah?- Who is?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- Didn't you get my BBM?- No, I got rid of the BlackBerry, it was too...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- Expensive? - Yeah, that was part of it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I've phoned the club. We've got a table reserved -
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Simon Amstell plus nine. - What? Why have you...?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- I'm a person!- You've probably only got a month left before everyone forgets who you used to be.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I've got a date tonight with Ben Theodore.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- Something real is happening in my ridiculous life.- But we've got VIP!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23VIP in Aces? What is that? That's like Tesco Finest.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- Exactly.- Don't go to Aces. It's full of yobs and sluts, isn't it?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Hopefully.- Isn't it where footballers go to rape people?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Sometimes.- You have to wear shoes and proper trousers to get in.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I don't like the dress code being basic dick.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37"Can't wear trainers - looks like you came from a gym."
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- Basic human - only two dress forms - club and gym!- All right, chill out.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46- Borrow Grandpa's clothes.- Yeah! I'll slip into our dead Grandpa's trousers and have a gang-bang(!)
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- It's what he w...- It's not what he would've wanted.- They'll pay you.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- For what? What am I doing? - Showing up.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54You know, P Diddy gets 15 grand for turning up at clubs,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56then he just leaves and goes to another one.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- What are they paying me?- 100 quid.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02You don't even have to do anything. Just take the money and slip out.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04But people will see. I'm a renowned recluse.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08You're so not. Trust me, nobody's going to make a big deal.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10People take photos and put them on the internet,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- then when you Google my name... - Only you Google your name.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Please, my parents have separated.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Oh, fuck off! Sorry, I mean, how are you?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- What did you talk about on the drive?- Nothing.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33- Did you tell him he'd still got a chance with me?- No, actually.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35I bet you did, you sneaky cow.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I'm done with him, he ruined my birthday.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40OK, we need to go now, no?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Oh, I'm not dressed yet!
0:06:43 > 0:06:47There's no rush, Mum! ..Is that what you're wearing for the date?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Yeah, what? It's casual, it's blue.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- How are you getting there? - You're driving me.- Am I?
0:06:52 > 0:06:57Yes! You're driving Grandma to Hampstead, then you're dropping me off at Ben's.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Have you organised a date around your grandmother's therapy?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Are you exploiting my mother? - I'm not exploiting her. We'll talk about her on the date.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Why do you have to use your family to entertain strangers?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09It's good to talk about these things. It's healing.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14- Maybe he has a grandparent with issues or an emotionally-backward aunt, for example.- Tanya!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Shoosh! And we're sure it's a date, yeah?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Yeah, I think so. We almost kissed the other night,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- so it's something.- All right, all right, do we need to go on and on?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25My son may be going on an actual date, Liz!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27My son's got irritable bowel! I don't shove it in everyone's faces.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- You should've breast-fed him, I told you.- Well, I couldn't, could I?!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I know, I know, they were chapped.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- Go on.- What?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37What happened with the kissing?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Oh, yeah, we just had a moment after rehearsals.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42There was an energy between us. He was looking directly into my eyes
0:07:42 > 0:07:44and I couldn't take it, so I started singing.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- What?!- Don't, I can't bear it! It was too intense.- What did you sing?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- The opening of The Lion King. - Which one's that?
0:07:50 > 0:07:57# Ah zivenya zizzicoo ziva zivenya
0:07:57 > 0:08:04# Nazivenya, Namaneeziva! Zeecoo zivenya-a-a... #
0:08:04 > 0:08:06All right, all right.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I couldn't stop, I thought he'd join in, he said his phone was ringing.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11You should've done something from Oliver.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15# As long as he needs me
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- # I know... #- Yeah, all right, all right, that's enough!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22DOORBELL RINGS
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Oh, Clive!- I got your message.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Now before you say anything, I'd like to talk to Tanya.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Of course, what do you mean? What a nice surprise.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Come in, everyone's here.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Oh, Jesus Christ!- What are you doing here?- Well, look, I've...
0:08:41 > 0:08:46I've been going around it in my head, trying to find the words.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48What words? You shouldn't even be here.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Liz. Are you all right?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- It's unthinkable what I've done to this family. It wasn't... - Why did you even let him in, Mum?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- It's Clive! - I'm sorry, I'm sick of it!
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- He let you down over and over again, Tanya!- I didn't think you cared.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- Are you OK, Tanya?- Yeah, she's fine. You can go now. Right now!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07It's not a good time, unless you want to hang out with Liz?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Oh, don't be stupid! - What's wrong with you?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- Why you being so supportive? - OK, we'll be late for the talking.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- I just want to be frank with you all.- No, go, go! - Because Tanya...- Right now!
0:09:16 > 0:09:20- What?- Just go, go! - Liz, we only kissed!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Adam, out! Out!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Sorry, I, I just wanted to...
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Well, you weren't answering your phone!
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Did you not know? I-I thought...
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Captain, could we, erm...?
0:09:51 > 0:09:56- So, so what...?- I only have eyes for your mother, you know that!
0:09:56 > 0:10:00We...just...got off with each other, it was...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- You had sex?!- No! We kissed. - Isn't "got off" sex?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Just a kiss! Nothing below the waist, or above, I mean nothing below the neck.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Right, just her head. And were you...?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- Were you going for a hug? What were you...?- I was smashed.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Oh...- It started as a goodnight peck
0:10:17 > 0:10:19and became a major event.
0:10:19 > 0:10:25Right, right. Well, that happens, doesn't it? Does it?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27And who, erm, I don't know what to say to you.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31What do you think I should say? Am I annoyed that you've...?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Amused? I have to go. I shouldn't be amused, should I?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Well, say something!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Are you OK?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Speak Tanya.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45- Tanya!- Oh, I should never have let you go to Shrek with him.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49What? You're a married woman, what's going on?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Well, you know, I love the films.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Is Barry not fulfilling you?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57It's nothing to do with me and Barry, we're...perfect.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01There are books you can buy. You want me to do a Google?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03What are you talking about?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07OK, OK, shoosh, shoosh. Maybe she'll find someone else.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- She wasn't actually with him. - I know, I know.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13But they have been getting on again, hadn't you?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15It was so quick, it's not even worth talking about.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Shrek was very good.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Well, maybe if we'd seen something less romantic...
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Than Shrek?!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28The songs were great, you'd... Actually, you'd love it.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- All right, maybe you should just go, what about that? - I need to talk to Mum.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- Why? It's a kiss, it's just a kiss.- Simon!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I got off with her! What must Mum think?!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43All right, well, maybe talk to Mum, my mum, another time.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47I got Grandma to see a therapist, so she doesn't steal her friend's gorillas, and I have a date.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Have you?!- Yes, sort of, hopefully, I don't know.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54OK, Captain. I'm-I'm sorry. Well, you should get dressed.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Em, OK, come on. Do you want to go to the toilet before you go?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02I do, but I think I'll get more out of it if I wait till I get home.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Great.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05You're well rid of him anyway, aren't you?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I don't know how it even...
0:12:08 > 0:12:12It was relentless! He bought me this enormous bag of wine gums.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17Right, er, I'll, um... be going now, ladies.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22I am deeply sorry, Tanya. Could we talk just before I go?
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Privately. Or is it too soon?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Mum?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32OK, well, this is almost fun, isn't it?
0:12:32 > 0:12:38Mum, do you, do you want to...? Do you want to, em...?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Should Clive just go now? Mum?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- Mum?- What?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47How do you feel about this, er, this thing?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I haven't decided yet.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54OK. Well, could you decide soonish so we can get in the car?
0:12:54 > 0:12:58I know we can't put the toothpaste back in the tube,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01but I don't just want to throw in the towel.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- OK.- It was a bad call. I zigged when I should have zagged.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- Yeah. Mum, we really have to go now. - I'm not going anywhere now.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10What do you mean? It was just her head.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- Did she kiss you?- It was all very sudden.- It was very sudden.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16What are we talking about? You kissed on the lips, yeah?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Oh, it doesn't matter where, does it?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21With open mouths? Were there tongues?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- Guess what Adam did this week? ..Adam!- What?
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- Threw one of the Shachters out of the window.- Which Shachter?- Steven.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- What?- You threw Steven Shachter out of the window?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I thought I wasn't supposed to say anything.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Shelly was furious. Went straight through the glass.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38They were just messing around and, I don't know...
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Tell everyone what happened, Adam.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- Go on.- What? It was an accident.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Can I go now?
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- (Do you need any pills for tonight?) - There was blood all over the patio.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I had to get the hose out. It's kids, isn't it?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55NERVOUS GIGGLING Why are we talking about your patio
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- when you've been having it off with Clive?- Adam, out!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Oh, for God's sake!
0:14:00 > 0:14:05Not had it off. I'm a happily married woman. Got off! Got off!
0:14:05 > 0:14:10- Mum...- IF we're going, we're going to be at least half an hour,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12so just relax for a minute.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16You're not really wearing that, are you? The blue one wasn't so terrible.
0:14:19 > 0:14:26Look, I'm totally cool, so, um, whenever you want this...chat...
0:14:27 > 0:14:30..I'll be right here.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Are you smoking? Why are you smoking?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Peer pressure. Actually, can you hold it?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Why am I holding it? - In case someone comes out.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Do you want to give up? It's quite bad for you, you know.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- Yeah, do you want to give up acting? - It's going quite well, actually.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Ben thinks I'm very good at silence. We've cut a lot of my lines.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Do you want to talk about the whole kissing business?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Or I hear you threw a Shachter out of the window, what about that?
0:15:02 > 0:15:03It was an accident.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Do you think it might be a reaction to your parent's separation?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09No, they're always doing this. Nice try, though.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Don't tell anyone I told you.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- When did you last see Barry? - Oh, he's taking me bowling today.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Oh, God, this is what happens. They take you bowling,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19go nowhere when they live with you, now you go bowling every week!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- I don't have to.- Yeah, you do, cos he feels bad about abandoning you
0:15:22 > 0:15:25and you're going to feel sorry for him, it's horrible.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28And it's scheduled, forced fun, it's like a panel show,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30with no token woman. But you enjoy yourself.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Is that your phone now? Isn't that Grandpa's?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Yeah, my life's still going very well!
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Got anything to wear for Aces tonight?- I'm not going to Aces.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Oh, PLEASE, I've told all my mates. And Caron's going to be there.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- Who's Caron?- You wouldn't like her.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46She's quite racist, but has the fourth best tits in the year!
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Show me what happened.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- What?!- I want to see.- See what?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58It was just a...
0:16:00 > 0:16:02It was very warm in the theatre.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Has he got air conditioning in his mouth?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Look, I'm not being funny, men have always looked at me, I don't know why.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10They think you're Groucho Marx?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- I was very drunk! - All right, you don't have to keep saying you were drunk!
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I was so out of it, she could've been anyone.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20- Of course.- It was such a haze, Tanya, that maybe I thought for a second it was you.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Don't you think I'm upset enough?!
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- But I've told all my mates. - I'm really, I'm not going.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Mark won't be there if you're worried. You can molest another weirdo from my year.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33He molested me. How is Mark? Is he all right? He keeps texting.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Why are you smiling?- What?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40You look like you know something about me. Do you know something about me?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Yes.- What? What do you know?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- Nothing, really.- Oh, God, what is it? What? Go on, I'm ready.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51He said when he... when he, you know...
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- What?- Came.- Right?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- You said...- Yeah?
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- ..well done.- Oh, my God. - Ah, you did!
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- Only cos it took him a while! It's not my catchphrase!- Oh, my God.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Well, obviously, he's told you. Have you told anyone else?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09No.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Go on. Quickly!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15What? You want us to act it out for you?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17What have I walked in on?
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Do it, or I'm never talking to you again. Really. Now.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- Come on.- Not you. Don't know what'll happen next!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Do it with Simon.- What?!
0:17:30 > 0:17:34- Simon?!- It's a bit much, isn't it? - Show me. Chop, chop!
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- I wasn't there.- Oh, my God.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43- We were just saying goodbye and... - What are you going to do to me?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Clive thanked me for coming and, and, he hugged me.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- Go on, then.- I don't want to.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- Just do it or I'm not driving Mum anywhere.- Oh, God.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- And then he...- Stay in the hug!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Is that where you were touching each other, on the waist?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- I was so hammered...- Oh, OK!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14And then we just slightly kissed. OK?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- I'm not going to... - For how long?
0:18:16 > 0:18:17A second. Three seconds.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Right. Put your heads nearer. ..Move closer to your aunt!
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- What are we doing? - Where were your hands?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- I can't remember?- Waists?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Maybe.- Go on.- Tanya!
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- This is quite upsetting for me. - Did you make any noises?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- What do you mean? - Like, "Mmmm!" or "Oooh!"?
0:18:37 > 0:18:43- No!- What about your legs? Was there any leaning or intermingling of legs?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Probably not, right?- Well... - Show me the position.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48SHE SIGHS
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Was there any rubbing?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- No rubbing! No!- Brushing?
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- OK, shall we...?- There was! I can see when you're lying - you're face goes all twitchy!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05In the spirit of Glasnost,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08she only touched me on the behind, and very delicately.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11There was nothing in the frontal zone at all.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14And you enjoyed that, did you? Were you aroused?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- OK...- No!- Not at all?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- No, no.- Will someone be honest with me? Were you aroused?
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- Well, friction is friction. - Oh...!- Oh, my God.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31(Oh, OK, are we off?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34VOICE BREAKS: (I'm going home.)
0:19:34 > 0:19:39You're going home? Why are you going home? Oh... OK, now what do we do?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Shall I get Grandma so we can go? You'll feel better with just us.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47We can talk about what an awful person Liz is. I'll perk you up.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51This is what I do, this is the point of me. I've won awards.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53DOORBELL RINGS
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Who is it?- You answer it!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58- Is she OK?- Yeah, yeah.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Oh! Oh, Barry!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Look, it's Barry! Barry's here, everyone!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- CLIVE: Here he is! - Why aren't you at home?
0:20:09 > 0:20:15- No, I just got a bit...- Have you forgotten I'm picking Adam up?- I... - That I'm taking Adam out? Er...
0:20:15 > 0:20:17If we make an arrangement, is it too much for me to ask
0:20:17 > 0:20:20not to have to drive round and round looking for your car?!
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- I rang and rang! - Oh, no, I'm on vibrate, sorry.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Oh, she's on vibrate, Barry! - He's such a good dad, isn't he?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Do you want a melon?
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- A melon?! Or some melon?! - No, thank you.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Clive.- Barry!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38SHE GIGGLES AWKWARDLY
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Adam!
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Adam!- I'll get him, don't worry. How are you?
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- Getting on all right at the flat? - Fine, thanks.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Need any washing? - Look, please don't fuss.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Carry on losing weight like that, I won't recognise you.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I've missed this, haven't you?
0:20:59 > 0:21:03What are you doing out here? Clive's on his own in there, Barry.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You want to keep him company?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08You can talk about the news!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- < Barry.- Clive.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Can't you just drop me at the tube, then?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16(Simon...)
0:21:16 > 0:21:17You don't say anything.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20What am I going to say? I just want us to leave the house.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23You mustn't say anything, Simon.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I have to keep at least one daughter married.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Oh, that's nice(!) - How could you fiddle about?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I don't care any more, Mum! She can have him if she wants him!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- I don't want him. - You wanted his arse!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Ssh, why don't you go and to talk to Clive?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40About what? You can't still want me to be with him.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42He's not a drug dealer.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I've become very popular online now, you know.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- Oh, with a bunch of perverts? - I've got other offers, OK?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Have you? Who? - Malcolm the chicken man?- Shut up!
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Who's Malcolm the chicken man? Was he bitten by a radioactive chicken?
0:21:56 > 0:22:01He delivers chickens. He's like a milkman, but with chickens.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Is my life funny to you? I'm going. I've had enough of this shit.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Oh, Tanya, I'm cutting up the melon.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Take my advice, get out while you can.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Women - can't live with them, can't drown them any more!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24How, er... How's, how's business?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Yep, all good in the hood, you know, zigging and zagging - mainly zagging.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Some zigging, obviously. Do you remember Zig and Zag?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Pair of wankers.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Is it still raining? I was out there around two,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40and it was like a cow pissing on a flat rock.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- Are you, er...? - Oh, Clive, you're still here?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Oh, I'm sorry, Clive. ..This is the man
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- who spent three weeks fixing your mother's roof!- No, no, my pleasure.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51I bet you haven't even said thank you, have you?
0:22:51 > 0:22:55God, you don't have to kiss him, just show a little bit of gratitude.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57If it had been left, this house would have lost a lot of value
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- if Lily came to sell it. - Sell? I'm not selling.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- Oh, no, if you sell.- I'm not.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- Where's Tanya? - Those cracks on the wall, Clive, what do you think that is?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Is that something we need to sort out?- The subsidence?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Will you get Tanya? I've lost her.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14But, Clive, that's a big job though, isn't it. What are we talking?
0:23:14 > 0:23:19- Thousands, probably. - Tanya, I've got subsidence!- Oh, no.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- We don't have to worry about it now, do we?- No, let's put it off!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- Let's just put it off! - Oh, for God's sake! What, then?!
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Well, I'd be only too happy to help if it's not too intrusive.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Ha, you'll never get rid of me.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Thanks, Clive.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Thank you, Clive.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Oh...
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Oh, thank you, Clive.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Haven't you gone yet? Tanya...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57What did you have to take her for?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- I wanted to take you. - Well, you beat up my stripper.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Well, maybe I didn't feel like you should have a stripper!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- I'll do a strip for you. - Oh, God forbid!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Come on, why not? You know I'm quite good at moves.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Why take Liz? Of all people!
0:24:13 > 0:24:16They were dress circle seats!
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Tan...
0:24:19 > 0:24:21She just lunged at me, honestly.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Did she?- Yeah, I didn't know what was happening.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27It was like being ravished by a big horny monkey.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Why does Ian Shachter keep calling me?
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- Oh, sorry, I thought you were Liz. - Yeah, easily done, apparently.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- SHE SNORES - Right, I'm going, then.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Oh, hello, Barry. Sorry to rush off. I've got to get to Gants Hill tube in less than three minutes.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47There's no Central Line today between Stratford and Newbury Park.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52- Oh, my God, really? Don't say that. - And a cab into town is, what, £60?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- That's if you can even book one today.- Where's Clive gone?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Has he gone?- Yeah. - Can you drive me to the Overground?
0:24:57 > 0:25:02- No! Can't you see Ben another night? - You couldn't drop me on your way...?
0:25:02 > 0:25:06- We're already running late, Simon, I have a lane booked for six.- Right.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- Here he is.- Where've you been?!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Isn't Barry looking well today? Have you been away?
0:25:12 > 0:25:16You look like all the stress has been lifted off you.
0:25:16 > 0:25:21- OK, Tan.- Oh, I could have a lot of fun with this body.- Er...- Big ogre!
0:25:21 > 0:25:26- All right. Adam, get your coat. - I don't want to go.- Excuse me?!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I don't feel like it, I'll go next time.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32- I'll go!- We arranged to go bowling a week ago.- It's like forced fun.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34What are you talking about?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- Are you turning my son against me?! - No!- What forced fun?!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40It's like a panel show, without the token woman.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43What?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45What's Adam said to you?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Nothing, he doesn't need to, he threw someone through a window.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- What?- Someone needs to tell him what's going on!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54He's living in a broken home that isn't being acknowledged,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- so he broke it!- It's not a broken home. No-one's in a broken home!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Who's in a broken home?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01You are.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05You need to fix your home, Mum. You can't just paint over the cracks!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Which is why Clive has agreed to fix it.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Wow. That was good.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Why is she shouting at me? - Whether we sell or not,
0:26:11 > 0:26:15- we need to...- I'm not selling this house! I love this house.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19- Clive can fix it! The least he can do after what he...- Mum!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Adam, are you coming?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Great(!) Well, thanks, Liz!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Barry!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- Oh, he's gone.- I think it's you two who need to see a psychotherapist.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- You should tell her you're sick in the head.- Oh, OK.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I'll write that down. Sick in the head. Have you got a pen?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Oh, I think I need to lie down.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45I don't think I can go now, Simon. You don't mind, do you?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- I don't really fancy kalooki. - Oh, no, it's fine.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53Aw, are you OK, Adam? Simon will cheer you up.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55No, he won't!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Of course he will. Won't you?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Make him happy! That's what you do, isn't it?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05< LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Oh, wicked!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- Oh, Mark's here?- Yep.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15- It's Simon Amstell! He's made it.- Wey-hey!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17CAMERAPHONE CLICKS Well done, mate!
0:27:17 > 0:27:21- Come on, Simon.- Come on! - Thanks for coming.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24THEY LAUGH
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd