0:00:05 > 0:00:07TV INTERVIEW PLAYS
0:00:07 > 0:00:09SIMON: 'It was funny, all right, it was funny.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- 'It's been interesting having you. - Has this been all right?
0:00:12 > 0:00:15'It's good. We're finished now. It's been lovely being with you.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18'"We're finished now. Stop talking, Simon.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20'"We've got to get Russell on with his tumour".'
0:00:20 > 0:00:21TANYA LAUGHS
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Oh, that's brilliant. I'm watching it again.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27- Not again, that's enough. - You shut up!
0:00:27 > 0:00:29He's back, Mum!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31I'm going to cry again.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Oh, gosh.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Was it OK? It was OK, right?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37More than OK. You were intelligent...
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Really? I was so nervous. I made sense about the play?
0:00:40 > 0:00:41I didn't sound like a maniac?
0:00:41 > 0:00:45No, perfect. And handsome. How do they make you look like that?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48I don't know why you had to wear the glasses, that's not part of the brand.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51No, good, I'm not a brand, I don't want to be a product.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- Do you need more money for contact lenses?- Yeah, a bit.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Well, you'll be getting plenty of offers now. Thank God.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Wasn't sure how much longer I was going to be able to pay my own mortgage.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05I love how you were sitting on the sofa. He's so trendy, isn't he?
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Oh, yeah, that was a big hit.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08You looked so thin.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Really? That's good. And young?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12And funny, or quite funny, right?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Yeah, actually. Because you said they had
0:01:15 > 0:01:17the same colour outfits - observational.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I thought I did a few funnier bits, no?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Nah. Shush! I'm watching it again.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- 'Welcome to the programme.- Hello.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25- 'Nice to see you. - Nice to see you.'
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Oh!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Oh, I'm sorry. You're my life, now.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I've missed my baby.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32I saw you yesterday.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Him. Not you!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- 'All right.- Do it, it's lovely. - I'll stick with it.'
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Ben still hasn't called.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- Sh, I can't hear my son.- Sorry.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54The scaffolding looks nice. Has Clive been round lots or...?
0:01:54 > 0:01:58No! Don't have to see him just because he's paying.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00The least he can do after all the fuss he's caused.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- He's caused?- Shush, shush, don't...
0:02:03 > 0:02:05What, Mum?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- She didn't jump on Clive? The little slut.- Oi!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Ow!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Don't be rude. You're well rid of him, anyway.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Hurt my arm.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17You haven't heard from him, have you?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20No. I thought he might try to apologise again but...
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Good. Shmocky man. Is there anyone else?
0:02:24 > 0:02:28There's no-one out there, Mum. I'm done now, thanks to her.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- I'm sewing it up.- What?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32What? That's a phrase.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33That's not a phrase.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37- All right, I'm pouring concrete over it.- Eugh.- They can build a car park.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- Who?- What you looking for?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I made some notes for this Radio 2 interview.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Simon and Ben are being interviewed by Claudia Winkleman tonight!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Oh, is she the one with the fringe right in her eyes?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Puts me on edge.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Hasn't she had it cut? - How can she see with such a fringe?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55It's dangerous, tell her.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Do you always makes notes?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58You can't just turn up and expect to be funny.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- No? - Where have I put the bit of paper?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- What does it look like? - It's got "spontaneous banter" written at the top.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08I'm doing whites now, Simon. Do you want to take the basket or do you want me to go in...?
0:03:08 > 0:03:09No, it's fine, I'll take it.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14Oh, look at you two! You're like an old married couple. It's lovely.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16This is the dream.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17You won't want to leave, will you?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I might.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I found this place in Hackney with a disused train on the roof.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25You want to live in an old tube train?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Under. It's really cool. I'm going to be a cool artist person.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29You can't afford to move yet, can you?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- I've been meditating.- Yeah?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I've been here for so long because I've been focused on being here.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Now I'm in vibrational alignment with who I really am.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I'm not here, I'm in this new flat, I've got an abundance of money
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- and freedom and love.- Yeah.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46You won't say any of that to Claudia Winkleman, will you?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48There's only the moment, time is an illusion,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50everything has already been achieved.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51When you go to be there?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I think 7:00.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54What's this?
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Oh, yeah, that's it. Don't worry, they weren't that funny.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Oh, they were on the floor, sorry.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06OK. It's fine. I'm not here. This isn't real.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Can you remember any of it?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10No, no. I can talk out loud without notes, can't I?
0:04:10 > 0:04:14So, Simon, tell me about your play.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16It's The Tempest.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- I'll get the bed sheets. - Ah, good boy.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Liz is here!
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Did you see him?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35What?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Oh, no. Can we...can we talk somewhere?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Jesus Christ! What's all this?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44What? Oh, what, my laptop?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Yeah, laptop. Is it new?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I needed it, get over it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50What do you need a laptop for?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52The charity committee, it's been non-stop,
0:04:52 > 0:04:54but so rewarding, you know?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56You're still coming to the quiz tonight?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Of course. I've got nothing else in my life now.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Did you record it?- No.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Can we get on with what we're supposed to be doing,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I've got to be at Helen's in an hour.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07How could you not record it?
0:05:07 > 0:05:08She did, she did...
0:05:08 > 0:05:11It's on iPlayer if you're such a computer woman...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13She doesn't want to see it. Let it go.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17It was well funny. Can't believe you took the piss out of that guy for having a tumour.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- I didn't take the piss out of him for having... - Was it Adam's last exam today?
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Did you do well?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Nah, I hadn't revised the question that came up so I just drew a horse.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Oh, well, as long as you've got your health.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- Tanya, I've only got an hour. - In a minute.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- Do you want to go out tonight? Get some beers?- Mmm...no?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Caron said when the exams are finished I'm going to get some.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Get some what? Some pudding?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Yeah, some pudding.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Gosh. Some full penetrative pudding?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Simon! What's he saying?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47She's already given me hand pudding.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- Adam! - MOBILE BEEPS
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Can we...?
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Oh, Ben! Thank God.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Go on.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Do you want me to read it?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Not especially.- Quickly.- Tanya!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"You were really sweet on Breakfast." That's me, I'm sweet.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Everything is vibration.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06"I'm regretting making this a day off, I miss your face.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08"Can we eat together after Radio 2?"
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Oh, my God, I love him. He misses my face. This ridiculous face.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13It's a lovely face.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Mum! I didn't come round to discuss Simon's face.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- Liz, look at my face. - Is it your pudding face?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Can we discuss my dead father's will?!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Who wants a Petit Filous?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28What is wrong with you?!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Well, why haven't you spoken to her?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- Tanya! It's ridiculous, she needs to start... - Do you need any bin liners?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36No, I've got bin liners.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41She hasn't been able to speak about him for six months,
0:06:41 > 0:06:45let alone look at the will. You're so desperate to see what you've got?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48It's not that, it's about sorting her paperwork out.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52She's left it and left it, the house is crumbling on one side.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Clive's still paying for it, isn't he?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56You don't still want him hanging around, do you?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Oh, yeah, we don't want him hanging around after what HE did(!)
0:06:58 > 0:07:01What about a whisk? I've got two whisks.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- No.- Oh, have a whisk, Tanya! - You have a whisk.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Oh I forgot the Petit Filous.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Dad had a separate account for something, OK?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Barry had to help him go through all his papers...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15What are you talking about?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- I don't care, she doesn't want to do it.- You're not curious there might be something for you?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I've got his watch!
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Oh, I love that watch. I think I took it already.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Liz, you got his old taxi badge and the air freshener collection,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31if you want it, if not, throw away.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Great.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Simon, you got his golf clubs. Oh, isn't that sweet?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Lovely. What's Adam got?
0:07:38 > 0:07:39No, nothing.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Nothing? - Do you want some golf clubs?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45We did it before Adam was born, I think.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Never mind, I'll leave Adam something.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50He won't have long to wait.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53What you saying that for?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55No, I've got to find you a rich man first.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I did have one. What and then you're off?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I don't know. Shush.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Oh, my God, Simon, you've got £12,000.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- No.- Simon?! - Yes! Can you believe it.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Really?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- Yes.- Oh, yes.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Oh, I can move out, oh, my God.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Oh, thank God. Sorry, it's been lovely being here, though.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19See? You just have to breathe and things flow to you.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Where did I put that estate agent's number?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Oh, yeah.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I really think Simon should split the money with Adam, don't you?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- Yeah.- What?
0:08:30 > 0:08:35- No.- Yeah, come on, tight-arse, give us a few grand, I need a motorbike, and there's an operation I fancy.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40- Don't get excited, I've got to pay Derren Brown back.- Don't ever borrow money off Derren Brown again.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Well, he offered.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I don't trust him. Why can't he be called Darren, again?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46He really doesn't deserve all that money, Tanya.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Whatever someone else has got, she wants!- It's not fair to Adam.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Barry's stopped his pocket money.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Why is that? - Oh, don't worry about it!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- Where is Barry?- Stop interfering!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I washed it afterwards.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- You all right? - Oh, what are you doing up here?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Sorry Liz made you do that.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Shall I take all those clothes down to the charity shop at some point?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17No, no, no, no. I'll do it.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20You're not on your own, you know? We're all here if you need anything.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24You're not really closing your curtains, are you?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Do you want me to ask around for you?- No!
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- Sheila might know someone. I could make some calls.- I'm fine.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34You might meet someone at the quiz tonight.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Shall I move in with you? Would that make you happy?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- Well, Simon's leaving now, so you could if...- I was joking!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42We could be like the Golden Girls.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Ah, that one died, you know? The dirty one.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I'm not that desperate for company.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49No?
0:09:49 > 0:09:53No! The only reason I got married in the first place
0:09:53 > 0:09:55was to get out of this house.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57At least I'm rid of Clive now. That's something, right?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59(Hmm, hmm.)
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Right?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I'm sure you'll be very happy, whatever happens.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Why don't you try this for tonight?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11It'll cover everything.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- What do you mean, "everything"? - No, no, nothing.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Just...all this.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19"I like your new fringe."
0:10:19 > 0:10:20OK.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22"We're both Jews"?
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Yep.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Ah! Dave Long's pulled out.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Who's Dave Long?
0:10:27 > 0:10:31The Heart DJ, Dave Long. All night long with Dave... Dave Long.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Oh, great, his wife's in hospital dying.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Why agree to do it if your wife's almost dead? Helen's asking...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41He's not doing it.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Helen wants to know. I said he wasn't right for it weeks ago.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Oh! She's saying not to come now till I've got him.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Tell her he's being interviewed by Claudia Winkleman about his play.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53He hasn't got time to host your naff charity quiz.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56It's not naff! We're doing the raffle like Foxy Bingo.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Helen's husband Paul is going to dress up as the fox,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01with the purple suit, the fox head.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Oh! Cancel Claudia!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I still haven't written my speech.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07You're not doing a speech?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Just at the end,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11to say how grateful we are and how hard we've all worked.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14You've got their money, why punish them?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- I've selflessly worked really hard. - Yeah?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Well, someone needs to tell them.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- There's something a bit off about charity, isn't there?- What?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Don't you think the desire to help or be doing something important
0:11:24 > 0:11:26creates the necessity for suffering?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- I don't know what he's talking about, do you? - That made sense, didn't it?
0:11:30 > 0:11:34You need to perceive these people as invalids so you can feel valid. That's my point.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36These people can't walk.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Yeah because... Look, I had this conversation recently with very cool people and it went much better.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Isn't there a thing - tending your own garden?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Isn't that a phrase? "Don't walk in other people's gardens?"
0:11:46 > 0:11:48"Stay in your own garden, don't go in another garden."
0:11:48 > 0:11:51They're really old, they need help.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Maybe they just need a good stretch.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55He's very deep, isn't he?
0:11:55 > 0:11:59- Yeah, that's it, not totally self-obsessed.- Oi!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I haven't googled myself for a week. What about that?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04It's freed up a lot of time. I'm reading books now.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Uh-oh. Simon's in trouble!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08What's happened?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10What is it? Show me.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Oh, my God.- What?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16"Not-so-funny Simon Amstel stuns BBC Breakfast hosts
0:12:16 > 0:12:20"with off-colour joke about Russell Watson's brain tumour."
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Who's saying he...? - The Mail Online.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- What are you on that for? - It's my home page.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29"The oddball presenter made an insensitive remark about Russell Watson's battle with brain tumours
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- "at the end of an awkward interview." - It wasn't awkward. Was it awkward?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- No.- No, that's your personality.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38"The gaffe-prone host remarked, 'Stop talking! We're finished!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"'Got to get Russell on with his tumour'."
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- Which was funny, no? - Looks like your career's over again.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46- Stop it!- That's nothing, it's just the Mail being silly.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49What's going to happen? They can't drop you from the play, can they?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- No! It's nonsense.- Talk to Ben. He knows you're funny, doesn't he?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Yeah, I told him.- Tell him again.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Say you were taking the piss out of the presenters for going on about it.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03That was my point. I wasn't taking the piss out of someone for having a brain tumour.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Just talk to him, tell him you're a lovely person.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09You come from a family who laugh about things like cancer to cope.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13If Liz had a stroke, we'd find a way to laugh about it.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Of course. God forbid.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17This could boost sales, actually. People will be talking about you!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20What, how insensitive and immature he is?
0:13:20 > 0:13:21That's his humour.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22It's disgusting.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Maybe you're disgusting. - How am I disgusting?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27You know what you did.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29You said we wouldn't talk about it again.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33All right, sorry, sorry, not that, your hair's disgusting.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Well?- I can't get through to anyone.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's fine, it's all nonsense, isn't it?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Keep trying. If you've screwed up your career again
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I don't know what I'm going to do for money.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Even Clive isn't calling any more. - Everything's fine.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- This is nothing to do with me, I'm in the Vortex.- What?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58It's a vibrational place of deliberate creation.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01No? Nothing for "vibrational place of deliberate creation"?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I was really ready for something there.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05No, that makes sense.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- Yeah?- Of course, you're in a vortex of deliberate bullshit.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11There...there it is.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Sorry. We're all very proud you're in a vortex.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Everything's vibration, everything's vibration.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19This isn't a table, it's vibrating molecules, it's malleable.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23- It's not a table? - It's all made up. Look at what's actually happening.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Money's suddenly popping in out of nowhere, I can move out now.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27I can book this clown course.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29What are you doing?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31To loosen up my acting, Ben thinks I need to find my inner clown.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Oh! Just check you've still got a job first, Bubbles.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Who's Bubbles? - Bubbles the clown, no?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Oh, yeah, Michael Jackson's clown?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45My bloody sister! You know Clive's got a Quooker.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- What's he got?- A Quooker?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50A permanently hot tap. Doesn't need a kettle.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Gosh. Such a tragic loss, isn't it?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Shut up, Cuddles.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Also a monkey.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Oh, well, it's not worth thinking about now, is it?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- He was on the brink of proposing again.- Was he?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03On my birthday, before he attacked the stripper.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07- Ohhh!- Caron's house has a Quooker. - You stick with her.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You can have some tea with your pudding.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12That was quite quick, wasn't it?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Liz has put you on a good table tonight.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Might be someone nice for you.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17What have you done?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20No, you never know.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Is it Malcolm the chicken man?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23How did you guess?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26You know he's not allowed in cinemas anymore?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Oh, give him a chance, no?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30You could get a discount on the chicken.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I still don't understand what he does.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34He delivers chickens.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I got put next to him at Gabby Schnek's wedding.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40He was so boring. I'm extremely vivacious, aren't I?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- Yes.- Yeah.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44He didn't even watch TV! What am I supposed to do with that?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Well, what does he do?
0:15:47 > 0:15:48He goes for walks!
0:15:48 > 0:15:52I'm not marrying someone so I can go for a walk.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53I need someone so I can sit.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55You need to find someone to...
0:15:55 > 0:15:57No, it's a car park now.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59It's not a car park, Tanya.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- What?- You've typed "gratititude".
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Oh.- Oh, yeah.- How much are you going to make tonight?
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Last year it was something like £450.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17You didn't buy the laptop just for this charity night, did you?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19How much was that?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22399, OK? Why? What?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Is the charity paying for it?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26They'd better.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28"Gratude."
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Is Barry coming to the quiz tonight?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- Of course he is.- Is he? He's moved back in? Oh, thank God.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- Thank God(!)- I knew he would.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41He was only in the flat for work, we weren't divorcing!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- Spit out.- We've got the anniversary party coming up.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47He hasn't moved back in just for the anniversary party, has he?
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Well, it would have been a bit odd to have an anniversary party if we're not living together.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56Yeah, but he came back and you hugged, you kissed in the rain,
0:16:56 > 0:17:00there were tears and rain and he said... What? What did he say?
0:17:00 > 0:17:04He said some Chinese people needed to use the flat now.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06# On the wings of love...
0:17:06 > 0:17:07What?
0:17:07 > 0:17:08# Only the two of us. #
0:17:08 > 0:17:12His shirts were all dirty. He'd been living on takeaways.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15My Barry is a wonderful, reliable man, OK?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- As opposed to who?- No-one.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20At least Clive was fun.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21He wasn't fun.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22He was funny!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24He wasn't SO funny.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26You were always laughing.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28He made me nervous.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Where's it gone? It's gone.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36'You're sitting cross-legged on the sofa... 'I've never seen anybody do that before.'
0:17:36 > 0:17:37- What you doing? - Nothing. What you doing?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- You watching yourself? - Can you give me a minute?
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Go on, then, let's see.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- See what?- Whatever you're watching that isn't you fucking up on TV.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47OK, all right, there you go.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49'That's great, no, do it. It's lovely.'
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Ha-ha. Thought you said you weren't worried.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Have you called Ben yet?
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Yeah, I'm trying.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Are you watching yourself again? Oh, I want to watch it, go on...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59No, can't you... OK, don't talk, though.
0:17:59 > 0:18:0198 comments now.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Shh! It's not a thing.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- "Get your feet off the sofa, you talentless little twerp."- Stop it.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Does no-one sit crossed legged? Is that an offensive way of sitting?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- What are you doing? - Oh. Are we all in here now?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15My battery's gone and I haven't got my plug.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- I need to write my speech again, can you...?- Shush a minute.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Oh, you really look smashing. Doesn't he?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26'Quick, finish! We've got to get Russell on with his tumour! Stop talking!'
0:18:26 > 0:18:29They're laughing. That's good.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32What? I think it's good.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35"Go crawl back under your rock, you silly little man."
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- Who said that?- "I pray that this vapid little man will know what it's like to live in cancer land."
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Oh, it's enough.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42It's fine.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46We can do an interview together.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48What does your agent think I'm going to say?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51My Grandpa died of cancer, I'm a friend of the cancer people.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I'm hosting a charity thing tonight, I'm that guy.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57The Ilford Recorder will be there if you need to show your agent
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I'm definitely a wonderful person.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01All right, all right. It's fine, really, it's fine.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I'll just meet you after then?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Right, OK, all right. No, I know, I know, I know.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13OK, well, good luck with it. And don't forget, I'm very funny.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- He doesn't.- Well, I've sat next to him for a whole evening and he smells of chicken.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21He's a nice man. What's wrong with a little smell of chicken?
0:19:21 > 0:19:26OK, Liz, good news! I'm doing your charity thing. I think you were right, charity is good.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27What about the interview?
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Rescheduled. Claudia Winkleman fell down a hole. She just didn't see it.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- See?- Really?- She grew it back.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Ah, no pudding for Simon.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I'm not here for the pudding.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Erm...is there any way we could we change the charity to Cancer Research
0:19:42 > 0:19:44or anything a bit more tumoury?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- Sure, that'll be fine.- Really?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49No, we don't need you now, thank you. We might have Rhydian.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Rhydian? You can't have Rhydian. Ryhdian?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Come on, I really want to do it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55That Helen wants me.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Actually, Helen doesn't think you're an appropriate choice anymore.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Let him do it! Can't you see he's desperate?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Helen doesn't want him, what do you want me to do? - He's ruined his life again.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07If you won't have him either, he's finished.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- I don't know if...- Let me sort it.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Tell her to let him do it or I'm not coming.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I've arranged for you to sit next to Malcolm now.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16No, you'll spend the whole night focusing on Simon.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17How will you meet anybody if...?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Maybe Malcolm's a fan of Simon's.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- He's not.- Well, maybe he would be, if he wasn't always out walking like a maniac.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:24 > 0:20:27You're coming. Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Oh, gosh. Clive!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- Lily.- Hello.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Come in, come in!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Look who it is, Tanya.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Oh! Hi! What are you doing here?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48You haven't even phoned.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53You OK? Look who it is, Liz!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Sorry, things have been a bit hectic of late.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Simon! Dom Lobo just texted me.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Did you take the piss out of someone in a coma?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03No, I... How would that work? He had a tumour.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Good one. Edgy.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06I wasn't trying to be...
0:21:06 > 0:21:10You've got a really talented son, Tanya, you should be very proud.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11I am.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Do you want a roll? Or a satsuma?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Liz, why don't you help me with the rolls?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Come on, Adam.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Hello.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Wa-hey!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Liz is arranging a charity quiz tonight if you fancy it?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Simon might be hosting it.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31I'm sure you wouldn't want me there, lowering your score.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34SHE LAUGHS
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Captain, could we have a quick word?
0:21:45 > 0:21:46We're in the toilet again.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Now, it's not a big deal, but...
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- What isn't? - Actually, park that for a minute.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56You know, I thought I'd totally blown it with Mum
0:21:56 > 0:21:58but she looked quite keen in there, didn't she?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Yeah, maybe. What do you want?
0:22:00 > 0:22:05You know I was about to pop the question again until the whole unfortunate stripper incident?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Oh, yeah, and the whole unfortunate Liz incident.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12Quite. Do you think Mum's still holding a candle?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Should I ask her?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- I don't know. What do you...? - Well, will you ask her?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Didn't you want to talk to me? - Don't worry about that yet.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23You just get in there for me, mate.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- OK. Are you going to wait here? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll keep myself occupied. Good man.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32Now, don't just wade straight in. Feel it out.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Be subtle, yeah?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- What does he want? - He wants to know if you'd marry him!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Oh, thank God!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Gosh! What do you think?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I'm going to have a Quooker.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- You're not worried about his drinking?- No-one's perfect.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51He's got a wonderful job, a lovely house.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I don't want to end up like Debbie Greenbaum, do I?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Sitting at home just watching the soaps. That's not for me, is it?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59No, that's not you.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01It's a second chance, Mum.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06- He's fixing up the house for you, he's been so nice to Simon, hasn't he?- Very nice.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10I can't rely on him to pay my mortgage anymore and it would shut Liz up.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- All valid points.- What do you think?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I think I'm in my flat in London now.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Yeah, but...- I'm in London. Stop taking me out of my vortex.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I have great love for you all. Thank you.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- And he's a very good height. - He is a good height.- OK.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27TOILET FLUSHES
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Come in.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34That was a bit quick. You sure you were subtle?
0:23:34 > 0:23:38I was like a bee. Are they subtle? Butterfly? What do I mean? Spider?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- Well?- Yeah, yeah, I think she'd be up for it.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.- Well ask, ask.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Tonight's the night, skipper.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Thank you.- No hug, no hug! Sorry, let's just shake hands.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Yeah.- Oh, wet hands. Lovely.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Well, look, I don't want to panic you.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00There's nothing to worry about, I just wanted to give you a heads up.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05- OK.- You will recall I said I would help pay for the subsidence issue if I could.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- Didn't you say you would? - I need to borrow some money.- Right?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12So I can give you the money to pay for the subsidence, as promised.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Right, so you borrow some money from someone.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18No. From you, you great tit!
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- Earth to Simon! - What's going on?- Don't panic.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- You're saying I need to pay for the subsidence?- Well, yeah.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26How much is subsidence?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Well...seven grand should do it. Don't panic!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33I'm very close to securing a new job.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36What do you mean a new job? When did you stop having your current job?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Well eight months ago, no biggie.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Why were you offering all this money, then?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Well, to be brutal, to get back in with Mum.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45She was the only thing that kept me going.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Without her, lately, I don't even know why I'm getting out of the car every morning.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Are you living in your car?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54So how about this loan, old bean, hmm?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57CHILDISHLY: Please, Mr Bank Manager.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00OK, OK, all right. My Grandpa's given me some money
0:25:00 > 0:25:02but I need to move out with that money.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03You'll get it back.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- Will I?- Just cos I've got the gags, doesn't mean I'm not good for it.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09But I want to be straight with Mum, Si,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11so we keep this money situation under your hat.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- OK, yes, sure.- Mum's the word, if you pardon the pun.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Right. Is it a pun? Isn't it just the same word.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20No, it's a pun.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Mum and mum?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Mum's the word is a phrase and it's about Mum.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- Right.- Yeah, so it's a pun.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- OK.- I tell you who's a great band -
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- Biffy Clyro.- Oh, yeah?
0:25:31 > 0:25:35- Yeah.- I was listening to them on... Zane Lowe last night,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38down to earth guys and great tunes.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Oh, sorry, Simon, Rhydian's said yes now.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Oh, my... OK, the raffle, then? - He's doing that as well.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Look, I might be able to talk her round,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56if you're so desperate all of a sudden,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59if you promise Adam will definitely get half of my dad's money.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- But I gave him all the golf clubs. - No-one wants the golf clubs.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- I need that money for my flat. That's my flat money. - Well, you don't need £12,000.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I haven't got £12,000. CLIVE AND TANYA LAUGH
0:26:08 > 0:26:10All right, what about 2,000 for Adam?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Four.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Four, fine. Four.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21So I definitely get to work with Rhydian, right?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- Isn't it lovely to see Clive again? - Yeah.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Well, if at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43TANYA LAUGHS
0:26:43 > 0:26:46So what about this quiz night, then, eh?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Do you want to go? It's not a bit boring for you?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I would go anywhere with you, my darling.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- Gosh.- Oh, stop.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00In fact, I've just been chatting with the Captain.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Hello.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- Oh, is he going to...?- Shh!
0:27:04 > 0:27:07OK, Clive, I'm ready for the question.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Tanya...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- ..deal or no deal?- What the fuck?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Well...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Deal! Deal!
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Deal!
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Mum, get the scissors, we're taking the stitches out!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- What?- Nothing. Deal, deal.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Oh, my God, I can't believe it. I'm going to get married!
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Well, kiss him!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39One thing at a time.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42All right? Thanks for the three grand!
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Oh, I forgot to mention the VAT, Si.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Are you going to use those?