0:00:06 > 0:00:08Let's get in the party mood!
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Si, get the stereo on, hey?
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# Oh, oh!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# My sex is on fire... #
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Oh, gosh.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23I still think Jamie Afro should have won it.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Come on, Mrs Clive Freeman, where are those Zumba moves?
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Oh, we've just sat down.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Aah!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34He's lovely, isn't he, when he's sober?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43He's got tenants, I told you, didn't I?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45You didn't tell me.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46You didn't tell her?
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Sorry, where's Barry?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50"Where's Barry?" Shut up!
0:00:50 > 0:00:51It's nothing to panic about.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55I'm not panicking, it's fine. Why's he got tenants?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- You know when he lost his job...? - What?!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Look, he's got an interview next week with a company who produce gravel.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03OK? He just thought it might be a good idea
0:01:03 > 0:01:05to get people in, while he's waiting.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Of course. Fine. Where's he been staying?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- At me.- And before?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12At friends, everything's fine.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Tell your grandma there's nothing to worry about.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16He's talking to the gravel people.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- OK?- Really, it's fine.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- He's not going to end up living in his car again.- What?!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23He had a couple of nights...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25A couple of nights. And it's a lovely car.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28As long as you're happy.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33What was that?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36You think I've done the right thing, right?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Yes! God, it's done now. You're married.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I mean, I'm only in here because I can't bear
0:01:40 > 0:01:43to be in the same room as him, but I think it was a good choice.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44What did Liz want?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Oh, nothing, I'll tell you later. Is my mum happy with him?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Yeah, she loves him, loves him sober.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- Will you have a cheesy beans potato? - Are you mad?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Why are you so fussy all the time? It's just food.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Is it though? I'm not a cheesy beans potato person.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01It's frozen stodge, it's death.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Onion Bhaji Bonanza?
0:02:04 > 0:02:05No?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08So where was Ben today? I thought he was your boyfriend now.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09He is. That's exactly what he is.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Hmm.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12What's hmm? Don't hmm.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Where was he, then?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Why don't you tell me what Liz wants?- What's happened?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18OK, don't go potty, it's your day.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I won't go potty. What's happened?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- What's wrong with you?- What?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Everyone's asking me how I put up with it, you know,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26and I say, "Oh, it's fine, let my sister get married
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"on the same day as my anniversary party, what can I do?"
0:02:29 > 0:02:32How many times? It took so long to get that slot,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35otherwise it would have been another six weeks, is that what you wanted?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I'm trying to talk to my son.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Well, talk to him, then.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Go on.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- What?- Ben!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Oh, he's going through a crisis.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46What crisis is he going through?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49He just sort of dropped out of the play this week.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- What?- But it's your day.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54It's all you've got, that stupid play. How can he do that?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56He's creatively exhausted.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- Eugh!- It's like when I left the show. I think he feels I'm the only person he can talk to about it.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Does he know you haven't had a job in a year and a half?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I'll murder the mumbling little prick.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Don't murder him, I like him. He's beautiful and fragile.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- He won the Olivier. - What for? Blinking?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Every scene, it's like he's having a spasm.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Yeah, that's his thing. Stop it, we're in love.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17- Are you?- Yeah, we would be, if I was capable of feeling things.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Oh, shut up about feelings all the time,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22just find someone who can keep his eyes open for half a sentence.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I keep trying to say I love you and I can't do it.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26OK, why?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Because it just has to flow out of you naturally, doesn't it?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31You can't rehearse it, you have to... You can't make it funny.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34You can't say, "Oh, wouldn't it be funny if I loved you?"
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Yeah. So, what's going on with the play?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39The cast want to carry on without him.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Yeah, go on.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- David's wife... David who plays Prospero...- Whatever.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46She's a teacher, so the idea is that we'll maybe do it for her students,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- then do a whole tour of colleges. - You're not doing that.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- Why not?- What for?!
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Because the theatre is who I am now.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Can you hear yourself?- No. What?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Pretentious? A bit pretentious?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I can't talk to you anymore. This is terrible timing, you know.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- For what?- Mum wants to know if you've told him yet.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Just tell her to piss off.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05OK. Did you just say, "The theatre is who I am now"?
0:04:05 > 0:04:06He knows.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11What does Liz want?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13It's nothing, you just...
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You have to move out of the house now.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16MICROWAVE DINGS
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Oh, look, here's your cheesy beans potato.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Oh, thank you, Lily.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Don't make a fuss on my day.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Liz just thinks it may be for the best if you move out soon.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Oh, I think I need to go and count my shoes.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36It's not just me.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Sorry, we had a talk, everyone agreed...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Is this an actual thing? When did you have a talk?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43You were meant to have a play!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- I do!- A proper play, not a school assembly!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- Bad timing.- Shouldn't you be out sexually harassing young women?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Yeah, Caron's dumped me.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Ah, the one with the nice breasts? Oh, well.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Can we not?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57How long did you think this odd little arrangement
0:04:57 > 0:04:59was supposed to go on for, hmm?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02It's for the best. You need a push, don't you?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Look at you. It'll help you get on with your life a bit, don't you think?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Will being homeless help? I don't...
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Honestly, mate, I'm so excited for you.- How am I supposed...?
0:05:10 > 0:05:11This will be the making of you.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Bit of tough love and you'll be back in business in no time.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Grandma was there and she agreed.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Where am I supposed to live?
0:05:18 > 0:05:19You're 31!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Yeah, but I look more 26, 27.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24If you're desperate, you can always move in with me and Clive.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- Oh, yeah, OK. Thanks.- You'll be fine. You can sleep in the middle.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Hey! Not on my watch!
0:05:29 > 0:05:30I'd like to be more accommodating,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33but you don't want to see what goes on in there.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Maybe it's time to get a normal job.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- Thank you.- Don't say that!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- That's where we are now. - No, it's not.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- Where are we, then?- I don't know!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Ben thinks I've got a rare quality, I'm engaging.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I can't... I have to do something creative. I can't...
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Can you still juggle? - Maybe he can get something at Tesco.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50What's happening?
0:05:50 > 0:05:51He'll get recognised.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53If he's on the fish counter, he'll have a hat.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Can't you live with Blinkybollocks?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Yeah, maybe? Possibly. Maybe.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59He hasn't dumped you yet?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02You'll thank me, I promise. I'm doing you a favour.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Oh, thank you. Thanks.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08It's like a drug addict, you can't keep supporting them, you have to...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Yeah, I get it. You're all very kind.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13So thrilled for you, mate. Good work.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18KNOCK ON DOOR
0:06:18 > 0:06:23Oh, Tanya said you were up here. Are you all right?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Yeah, yeah. It looks like I might be moving out at some point.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Oh, really? Are you leaving me?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Yeah. No? I mean, I don't want to be a burden on you.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34You haven't been a burden, never.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I could stay a bit longer, if you want.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37SHE GIGGLES
0:06:37 > 0:06:42No. I mustn't stop you, if you think it's for the best.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45It's for the best, it's for the best, it's for the best.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I know you have to lead your own life.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I mustn't hold you back.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52I've got to go and count my plates.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Hello! Still not picking up?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06OK, well, it's our anniversary party tonight, remember?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Everyone's coming. Call me back when you get this.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12No panic, I'm going to Costco, so don't worry about that.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15OK, call me back. Bye.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Right, I need to go to Costco right now.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Oh, he's got the card. Can I borrow yours?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21You can't, it's got my photo on it.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23So? I also need to get home to put my banner up.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25They confiscate them if you use someone else's card.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Give me the card. They won't know the difference.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29It's got my photo on it!
0:07:29 > 0:07:30We're sisters.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I'll say I was a bit bloated that day, they're never going to...
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Oh, I'm going to give it to you now, aren't I?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Whose face is wider, Simon? Mine or Liz's?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Get a tape measure.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh, he's here. Thank God.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Oh.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Hi, how are you? This is Zazzy.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Yeah, yeah, go through.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Oh, Simon, look who it is!
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Oh, my God, hi!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56You came! How are you?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58And you brought Zazzy. Hi, Zazzy, this is fun.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02This is Ben's friend Zazzy. She's very cool, she wears glasses.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- Zazzy?- Yeah. Zazzy. It's like snazzy with a Z.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Zazzy?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Zazzy!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11OK. And you've all met Ben before.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Hello, how are you all?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- What?- Yeah, that's the one.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- This place is amazing. Your carpet is mad.- Is it?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Look at that bar! Oh, my God, it's completely mental.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Simes, your Grandma's wallpaper is bad-arse.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Oh, thank you.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28How is the famous Ben Theodore?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Simon's better half, eh?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Feel so sorry for you, having to go out with this bell-end.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36No, No. You remember me? Clive Freeman.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- Oh, yes.- Seriously, if you're ever on the lookout for gravel...
0:08:41 > 0:08:43This is Zazzy.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Afternoon, Zazzy.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Great. So what are we... What are we doing?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Are we done with the eating now?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Should we be standing, should we be sitting? What's the plan?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55What's going on with my son's play?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Oh, Mum... Oh, Liz! This is Zazzy.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Yeah. We met. Show me the photo.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02The guy on the door is not CSI Miami.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Well, you take me, then.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06All right, shall we...? Do you want to go and look at the kitchen?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08The sink is deranged.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- Well? - Mum, leave him alone for a minute.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14I just want to know. Let your boyfriend speak. Well?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Erm, it just didn't feel, erm...
0:09:17 > 0:09:20visceral enough, really,
0:09:20 > 0:09:21it just felt like a play.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Wasn't it supposed to be a play?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- OK...- It's like my boyfriend, Merlin - designs furniture -
0:09:27 > 0:09:31and he always says, "It just looks like a chair."
0:09:31 > 0:09:33You know what I mean?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37I know.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39OK. We're going to go and talk about things.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Do you want to stay here, or do you want to come? Stay here?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I'll totally come, yeah.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46OK, cool. Carry on.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Your hat is the nuts.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55So, come on!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58You want me to go to Costco on my wedding day?
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Why can't you just go to Sainsbury's?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I'm getting the big trays of pastries.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I'm not going anywhere till I know what's going on with this play!
0:10:04 > 0:10:08I'm so glad you came. Only slightly late, that's fine.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Budge up.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I'd actually completely forgotten about the wedding.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Oh, that's funny. Oh, good. I'm really self-absorbed too.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19But I wanted to talk to you in person...
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Oh, yes, go on. - I've been offered a film.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Oh, right. Well, that's great news, isn't it?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28It's not great news, it's fucking awesome news.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Right, yeah. So the play, you can still...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I definitely can't do the play now.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35OK, that's cool.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Why didn't you tell me you had a film?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, only Zazzy knew.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Oh. Oh, OK.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Well, it's good you could talk to someone, isn't it?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I like your hair thing. Where's that from?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- I made it.- Of course you did.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Maybe he's left you.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Is that supposed to be funny?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59OK, sit. Sit.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01SHE SIGHS
0:11:01 > 0:11:02So, are you excited about tonight?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Stressed. It's going to be incredible though.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Got the couples' fancy dress,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10got some really fun games for people, and the banner.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- What games are you doing? - Don't do that face.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I've written a really funny quiz from the internet.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Listen to this one, it's brilliant.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Can you telephone from an aeroplane?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21What, with a mobile?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- No, no. Can you telephone, but from...- I don't know.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Go on, can you...
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I don't know. No.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Oh, well, I think you must be a bit stupid then
0:11:30 > 0:11:32if you can't tell a phone from an aeroplane.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33SHE CACKLES
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- Oh, Liz.- Well, don't come, then!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Ugh! He'll call you back in a minute.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- His phone's broken! - OK, so you'll divorce.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43You're a divorce.
0:11:43 > 0:11:49It's like a big Hollywood thing, which makes me feel quite scared.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Yeah, I bet.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54And it's comedy, which is a bit out of my comfort zone,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57but spending so much time with you has been really helpful, I think.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Oh, really? How come?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Well, the character doesn't really know what he's doing with his life.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05He's sort of a lost, lonely soul
0:12:05 > 0:12:07and a bit sort of, I suppose,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10slightly buffoonish and awkward, you know?
0:12:11 > 0:12:16Yeah. Good. So what about... Well, when are you going?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Well, that's why I came. I thought maybe you could come with...?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Oh, really? When? When...?
0:12:22 > 0:12:26This Friday. It would be so lovely to have you there.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Oh, gosh. Would it?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31OK, well...
0:12:31 > 0:12:33You have to come, gorgeous.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36It'll just be the three of us in LA, so random.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37SHE GIGGLES
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Right, but... So what about the play?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Forget the play.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Oh. Forget the play?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Ugh! It made Benjy so miserable.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Er, but wasn't it important that I explore my craft?
0:12:48 > 0:12:49I thought I was engaging?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Did I say that?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Yeah, or, erm, watchable. Aren't I watchable?
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Shouldn't people watch me?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Maybe.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Sorry it's all so sudden, I just have to know today
0:13:00 > 0:13:02because my agent needs to book the flights.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Of course, no, yes.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08I guess it would be good to be sort of new again, wouldn't it?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Yeah, it'll be so fun. Stop being so boring.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14OK, all right, let's go to America, then. I'm fun. Bloody play.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18If it's not visceral, it's not visceral. Shame it wasn't visceral.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Do you sleep on this, Simon?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- Yeah.- That's so dark.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Yeah. It is quite uncomfortable.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Hard-core.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30He won't miss your anniversary.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- I know he won't. - Maybe his phone's off.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35It is. It must be broken, actually.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Really, Liz, he's not interesting enough to be having an affair.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Obviously!
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Right. Here's the exciting news. Ben and I are off to America.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- With Zazzy. What about that?- What?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- America?- Happy?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Ben's got a film, so we're going to...
0:13:50 > 0:13:52go and hang out with all the cool people.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Oh, my God! You can break America!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Barry and I have done America. It's not all that.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00This is it! You can have meetings. Can't he?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- Yeah. Maybe.- I don't know...
0:14:02 > 0:14:05I always knew you had it in you, you talented little swine.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08We may have been down on our luck, Si,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- they may have called us losers, failures, no-hopers...- Who?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I can see it. You'll have meetings.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15This is what they do, they have meetings.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Sorry. She's obsessed with Samantha Mumba.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- She was in a film. - She was in a film.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Oh, I haven't had this much excitement since I met Linda Robson
0:14:22 > 0:14:23at an Audience With Donnie And Marie.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I told you it would be for the best, didn't I?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28What did I say? You just needed a little push.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Oh, yeah, thanks for the push.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Thank me, it was my idea.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34He could get an agent out there, couldn't he, and have meetings?
0:14:34 > 0:14:35OK. Shush.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39I don't want to be negative, but it's a really long process,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41and the trip's not really about that.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43It's not really about that.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- It took my agent six months to get my visa...- It's fine, don't worry.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48But you could...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50And it costs like £4,000, it's so cock.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Have you even got a new agent here yet, honey?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Oh, no, no.- He doesn't need one, he's going to Hollywood!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- You'll sort him out, won't you? - OK. All right.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59What dream world are you living in?
0:14:59 > 0:15:03It's Hollywood, Liz! He'll be like Steve Jones on X Factor.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Ah! Can I come with you?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Sorry, there's a lot of unfulfilled ambition issues here.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09What are you saying about me?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Nothing, just explaining how you sort of live through me
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- because your life is so awful and disappointing.- That's not very nice.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Sorry, I thought you'd laugh.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18It would've been very funny if you'd laughed.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Your silence made it seem a bit mean.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24You've said this, this is your stuff. You're pushy and annoying
0:15:24 > 0:15:27because your life hasn't quite worked out...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29No, worse? Sorry.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Wow, that was impressive(!)
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Anyway, we're going Friday. It's for the best, right?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I think I need some water. I'm going to get some water.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Do you want some? I'll bring you some.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- Oi. How old is she? - Who? Zazzy? 24. Why?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- You need to wing me on this one. - What are you doing? You're not...
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Don't cock-block me, Simes.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54What are you hoping to achieve?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I've got skills. You should try this.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Rather than talking and talking like an idiot,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01you got to picture a scared little chicken, and I'm the fox.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Here, chicky, chicky, chicky.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06And then bang, cook her up and stick her in a bucket.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Hey. You OK, mate?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09HE LAUGHS
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Bit of pre-match nerves?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Look, you've got to take a chance on love.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Don't worry, it'll all work out, big star like him.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I bet he can swing you a part in his film like that.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I don't know if...
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Well, stop being an almighty pussy and ask!
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Bloody hell, he clearly loves you like mad,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27he'll take a gamble on you, won't he?
0:16:27 > 0:16:28I suppose, yeah.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Well, otherwise, you're going to look like his bitch
0:16:31 > 0:16:34and you're nobody's bitch, you know that, right?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36No, no, I'm not.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Nobody fucks the Captain.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Yeah, I think my late husband used to have glasses like that.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50It's funny what people wear now, innit? All the old styles.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52They're so big for you, aren't they?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Are they? Not really.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00No? You've got a lovely little face and such big glasses.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I am short-sighted, I do need them.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Well, if you can't see how big they are,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07maybe you need bigger glasses.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Sorry. Hello. Is Ben somewhere?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13He's upstairs, talking to LA!
0:17:13 > 0:17:14OK, cool.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Hang on, I'm coming too.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Oh, yes, of course.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Didn't even look at me. Did you see that?- Oh.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Right, panic's over, not that it was a panic. He's just texted.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27He's fine. He was on the way to visiting his bloody aunt.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29She's got pneumonia! She does it on purpose.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Yeah, she got pneumonia to annoy you.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35On my anniversary? It's always something.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Pneumonia, tell her to put a coat on.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41You remember on my birthday, she decided her lung should collapse?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- You sure he's not just using her as an excuse?- Stop it.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Does he know about the quiz?- Yes!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I trust my husband, OK?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I'm sorry you've never experienced that kind of relationship,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I'm very relaxed.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Of course you are.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Why wouldn't you trust your husband to get back in time from Eastbourne?
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Be back by 6:30 or you'll be picking your clothes up off the driveway.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05As soon as you get this, you turn that car around.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08You can visit your aunt tomorrow.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09And can you call me back?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11There'd better be something wrong with your phone.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12It's our anniversary!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15We have to go soon, Benny.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17We're doing a last-minute trip to Spitalfields.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19They do some amazing vintage crates there.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Crates? Gosh, you're so trendy, aren't you?
0:18:22 > 0:18:26They do such beautiful pieces. Do you want to come, Simes?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Oh, you can meet Tuppence.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Yeah, maybe.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Do you know what I ate the other day?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34An apple.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I know. You forget how amazing apples are.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Seriously, we should all eat more apples.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Can I just have a quick chat with Ben? Is that all right?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Of course! Is that OK, Benelicious?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Yeah, yeah.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50THEY GIGGLE
0:18:51 > 0:18:53You're both so cute!
0:18:53 > 0:18:54SHE GIGGLES
0:18:56 > 0:18:58She's fun, isn't she?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01He's turning the car around, so you can stop talking now, OK?
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Oh, that's good.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05And he's very excited about the quiz. And the banner.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Did he say that?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09You still haven't told me what you two are coming as yet.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Aladdin and Jasmine. From Aladdin.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Not really a famous couple.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Yes, it is. Aladdin and Jasmine.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Aladdin is famous.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Jasmine.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20# A whole new world... #
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Oh, gosh.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Come on, Tan.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26# Don't you dare close my eyes... #
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Join in.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29They're not a famous couple!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Not like Bonnie and Clyde, or Des and Mel.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Des and Mel? You want us to come as Des and Mel?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38No, she's got very big hands.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Just make an effort would be nice.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42We've made the effort.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Clive's Aladdin with the baggy trousers
0:19:44 > 0:19:45and I've got my long blue dress.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47You haven't got a proper Jasmine outfit?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49You're just going to be a woman in a dress.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- I'm...- If anything, Aladdin should come with a monkey.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54You should be the monkey.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56He didn't fuck his monkey!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13SHE SIGHS
0:20:17 > 0:20:22# In the middle of an island
0:20:22 > 0:20:25# In the middle of the ocean
0:20:27 > 0:20:31# You and me forever, darling
0:20:31 > 0:20:34# In the paradise for two... #
0:20:39 > 0:20:40So, who else is in the film?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Oh, Russell Brand, Tina Fey, Ben Whishaw, have you met him?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45You'd really like him, I think.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Cool.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Sorry, I just don't know what, erm...
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Can you explain what exactly we'll be doing there?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I mean, what are we...? What's the...?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56You'll help me learn my lines, it'll be nice.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Just be there for me.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Grab some groceries occasionally, a bit of dry cleaning maybe.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Can you drive?
0:21:05 > 0:21:06But I couldn't just live off you.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08I mean, I'd want to be doing my own...
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Oh, we could sort out a wage for you. Don't worry.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13My last PA was on £400 a week.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16It couldn't be official because of the whole visa thing.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Right. Yeah.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21OK. PA-ing. Well, that's good, isn't it? That's good.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23OK, cool. Oh, are we going for a...?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Oh, you got a text. What you got?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Sorry, shall I leave you to it? I'll shut the door.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36What's wrong?
0:21:36 > 0:21:41No, no. I've got two married daughters,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43what more could you want?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Do you remember when Liz went missing in Broadstairs?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51On the beach.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Gave us such a shock.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57We had an ice cream and Bernie went looking for you.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59We always used to say,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02"If you get lost, always stand next to a bin."
0:22:02 > 0:22:05So Bernie was looking round all the bins on the promenade.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07I mean, people must have thought he was a tramp.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Oh, we were terrified. He walked around for three hours.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Eventually, you know where he found her?
0:22:15 > 0:22:19He came back and said he found her sitting in a skip.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- SHE LAUGHS - In a skip.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24SHE LAUGHS
0:22:27 > 0:22:31He was out so long, he got sunstroke.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Had diarrhoea for three days.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38He was vomiting.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43But he loved his girls so much, both of you.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- After that, we got the cap. - SHE CRIES
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- What have you done to her? - What? What's happened?
0:22:51 > 0:22:52You all right? Yeah?
0:22:52 > 0:22:57Oh, gosh, sorry. I don't know what's happened to me today.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- I'm just so relieved.- She's just happy about the wedding, no?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- Yeah.- God, is no-one allowed to express a feeling in this house?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Sing something, Simon.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- What?- Go on.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Quickly though, I really need to go to Costco's.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Come on, for your grandma. Do the Wedding of Izzy Green.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Oh, yeah. - Ben'd like to hear it. Where is he?
0:23:16 > 0:23:17No, he wouldn't.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- Ben!- Shh! I don't want to sing!
0:23:19 > 0:23:23You sing, you want to sing. I'm not 12.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24What's wrong with you?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I think he's just tired.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Go on, for your grandma.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I don't have to perform for everyone's love anymore.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32All right, you don't have to be so dramatic.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I'm trying to make real emotional connections in my life,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38while you just get married because it's the normal, dull thing to do.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39- What's wrong with you?- You!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41The only reason I was even born
0:23:41 > 0:23:44is because you have a total lack of imagination.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47- Hello.- Ben, do you want to hear Simon sing a song?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50# Have I told you about the wedding of my cousin Izzy Green?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52# It was the finest wedding that you have ever seen
0:23:52 > 0:23:54# There was Verbinski and Levinsky
0:23:54 > 0:23:56# Hannah and Levine And it lasted Sunday night till...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58# Monday morning! We got the invitation
0:23:58 > 0:24:01# It said dinner was at five. We... #
0:24:04 > 0:24:06So, do you go for younger men or older?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Who says I always go for guys?
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Really?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12No, I do, most of the time.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Do you want to go out for a drink sometime?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17We should all go out, yeah.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Or just you and me. Wouldn't have to be a serious thing.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25You're so intense. You're like a Diane Arbus portrait.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Thanks. Yeah.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30It could just be a casual thing, you know, while you're here.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Do you want to go look at the garden?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36So should I email you in Hollywood,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38or am I not allowed to email you either?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- I'm not going now.- What?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I just want to concentrate on my own career for a minute.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44What career?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I just want to do this play.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49What, for a load of bored A-level kids?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52They won't be bored. David's wife is really inspirational and...
0:24:52 > 0:24:54David's wife teaches at a primary school, doesn't she?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Does she?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Oh, well, that's...fine. That's still a thing, isn't it?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Still, erm...
0:25:01 > 0:25:02I'm not saying anything.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06What are you eating?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Cheesy beans.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10They're really lovely.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Oh, OK. Oh, good.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Do you like Subway?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Er, what, the sandwich shop?
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Yeah, do you like Subway?
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Erm, not really, only because I'm allergic to wheat
0:25:31 > 0:25:33and I don't eat anything that's got...
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Cos I've got a foot-long.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41You're still just sat there!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Calm down.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I really have to go.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Oh, OK.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I'm sorry you can't...
0:25:48 > 0:25:51No, no. Do you want to take any of these with you?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Where's Zazzy?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Alakazam!
0:25:54 > 0:25:55HE LAUGHS
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Oh, are you two lovebirds off, then?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- What are you dressed as?- Aladdin.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Gosh, look at Clive.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Isn't that MC Hammer?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06No.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Ben, we should go.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09So, what part have you got him, then?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Oh...- What?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13What? Did he not ask yet?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Simon!- Ask what?
0:26:15 > 0:26:16PHONE RINGS
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Nothing, it was a funny joke we had...- Come on, Si, what did we say?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Simon's after a part in this film.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- No. No.- You can sort something out. He's a talented boy.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28He went to Japan to interview, oh, who was it?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- This girl band...- Mis-Teeq.- Mis-Teeq.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Mis-Teeq.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34What's the problem?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Get him a part on your bloody film!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39It's fine.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Do you love him?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Oh, my God! We haven't discussed love.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Do...you...love...the Captain?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50I... I find him really interesting.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Is he just your little play thing? - Oh, God!- He's not a sex toy.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I'm sorry, I...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Now, you listen to me, Theodore.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- What are you doing? Mum! - Si, trust me here.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04You want him to act in your play and then you leave the country?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- Mum, there's a situation. - Oh, now you want Mummy involved?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09This family isn't just anybody,
0:27:09 > 0:27:11they're the best bloody family you will ever meet.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Has he drunk something?
0:27:13 > 0:27:14A little whisky.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17You've got five seconds to tell me you're going to get him in your film.
0:27:17 > 0:27:22He's...honestly not a very good actor.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30She was such a lovely woman. I'll really miss her.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I know, I know, his phone's broken.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Yeah, of course. I'll tell him as soon as he gets back.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Has Aunty Kitty died?
0:27:38 > 0:27:41You tell him and I'll kill you. ..Did she? Oh!
0:27:43 > 0:27:48Go on, Tanya, don't let that little berk spoil our big day.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50If I'm not mistaken, we've got a party to go to, gang.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Screw Ben Theodore. Screw the gravel guys.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56What's happened with the gravel guys?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59If they've decided to go in-house, it's their bloody funeral.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Right?
0:28:02 > 0:28:05# I can show you the world... #
0:28:06 > 0:28:10'Hang on a minute. You're smoking now!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13'What is he going to do next?!'
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Here you go. Have as many as you want.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21'..A cigarette you can legally buy in shops!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26'I'm trying to carry on, but I'm shocked and appalled!'
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd