0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains very strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:10- 'Next on Dragons' Den, Ken and Bryan, solving all the world's problems.'- Dragons.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14I am Bryan, with a "y", and this is my partner Ken.
0:00:14 > 0:00:21- Hello. - And together, we are co-founders and directors of Total World Solutions.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24And we would like to present to you today,
0:00:24 > 0:00:30our all-encompassing and also portable solution to all the world's problems. Ken.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33'There's a problem.'
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I've left it in the car.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42'Ken has left the solution to all the world's problems in the car.'
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Would it be all right if I went out to the Avensis and got it?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51No!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53'The Dragons are not pleased.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56'And Ken and Bryan are now so nervous, that they've melted.'
0:01:00 > 0:01:04# Hurrah for Harry and Paul
0:01:04 > 0:01:08# Your comedy is challenging and bold
0:01:08 > 0:01:13# You're both incredibly handsome and tall
0:01:13 > 0:01:16# You're not even beginning to look old
0:01:16 > 0:01:21# We try to increase production of flat-screen televisions
0:01:21 > 0:01:24# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions
0:01:24 > 0:01:28# We're pleased to let you bed our wives whenever your fancy beckons
0:01:28 > 0:01:30# We'll fight with all of our might
0:01:30 > 0:01:32# For your right to defend with nuclear weapons
0:01:32 > 0:01:36# Love for Harry and Paul. #
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Have you heard of Michael Gove?
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Michael Gove, Michael Gove, Michael Gove, Michael Gove,
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Michael Gove, Michael Gove, Michael Gove, Michael Gove, Michael Gove...
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- Yes.- Do you think he's...? - He sounds like a quare.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54I was just going to say the very same thing. Yes.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58He does sound like a quare! And he looks like a quare.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Oh, goodness me, doesn't he look like a quare? Quaring away all over your newspaper.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Making my paper all quary and quare. I heard him on the wireless this morning.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- Did he sound like a quare?- Oh, he sounded like a frightful quare.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12He was quaring away all over the House of Commons,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14quaring out of my Roberts Radio, all over my breakfast.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Did he quare over your runny eggs?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I had porridge.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I met his wife once. She's a fine woman. I wanted to grope her breasts.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Did you ask her why she married a quare?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- No. I wanted to grope her breasts. Have you seen his wife?- No.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28You'd like to grope her breasts, really.
0:02:28 > 0:02:35Right. Well I shall put him down as a quare and add an asterisk here,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38saying, "footnote - wife's breasts gropable".
0:02:41 > 0:02:43QUESTION TIME THEME PLAYS
0:02:47 > 0:02:50If I could come to you, sir... the gentleman in the red jumper.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55Yes, well, firstly, if bankers the bonuses the bankers the bonuses, it's disgusting.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58And secondly, if the Tories were really serious about it,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00they'd tax the bankers the bonuses the 90%!
0:03:02 > 0:03:06If all the Eton Tories that went to Harrow School had gone to comprehensives
0:03:06 > 0:03:10then perhaps we'd still have the grammar schools, actually.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Thank you.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16That's an original comment - I'm being sarcastic, of course.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Now, if you are a moronic whinger and you would like to make a fool of yourself
0:03:20 > 0:03:23in the Question Time audience with a witless lame remark,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26next week we'll be at the former Polytechnic of Grey Buildings -
0:03:26 > 0:03:30now, of course, Cambridge Ring Road University.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31But back to tonight,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34and what the audience think of what they've heard so far.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38If I could go to you, sir, in the blue tie.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- Good evening, Jonathan.- It's David. My brother's Jonathan.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50We'll come back to you. You, sir... at the back in the green pullover,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52do you have a cliched thought for us?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56No, just let the microphone get to you.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01Yes, I just don't understand this Tracy Emin art.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Thank you. You, sir, with the sweat - shall we try again?
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Um, my question to the panel is um...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13does the panel think...
0:04:13 > 0:04:18Um.... surely if we all have got to all of pay for them.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Um, the ones whom...
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Going to have to leave it there. Gentleman down the front in the blue pullover.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Does the panel think Boris Johnson would make a better Boris Johnson than Boris Johnson?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Thank you - the woman in the pink cardigan with big teeth.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34If the BBC spent more less money on better programmes -
0:04:34 > 0:04:37then it wouldn't be such an insult to the licence fee payer.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41And of course,
0:04:41 > 0:04:46if you are Twitter and tweet then you can Twitter and tweet us at the BBC
0:04:46 > 0:04:49and I for one, of course, will not look at a word you write.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54If I could go to the gentleman over there, in the funny beige jumper.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Wouldn't it be better if the Government just admitted they got it wrong?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Thank you. And the sweaty man - one more go?
0:05:05 > 0:05:10No? And now our final question, the lame jokey question,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12which comes this week
0:05:12 > 0:05:15from Bryan Farnet of Frien Barnet.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20Yes, David. If the panel was on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here,
0:05:20 > 0:05:25would they make a Jordan or George Osborne eat slugs?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27David Tory?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Ha ha ha, I've never actually wha ha ha ha, but ha ha ha.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Baroness Token?
0:05:31 > 0:05:37Well, I also have never ha ha ha, but ha ha ha.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Ed Sillyband.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43Well, I also have never ha ha ha, but I do think there is an important point to make here
0:05:43 > 0:05:46which is the Tories, the Tories, the Tories.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I'm going to have to stop you there, we're running out of time.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51David, if you'd allow me to finish my sentence, the Tories.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55And finally, funny person and comedian who wants to be taken seriously. Jimmy Gag.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Anal sex?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Well, we've run out of time, thank God.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Next week, our panel includes the Chancellor of the Exchequer, the chairman of BP,
0:06:02 > 0:06:07and Dappy from N-Dubz. But, from all of us here at the University of Tired, Sheffield, good night.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Excuse me.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Yes? - I'd like to murder my wife.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35And I was wondering if you'd like to murder your wife too?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I see...
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Because if you wanted to, I could murder your wife,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41and you could murder my wife.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42That way, we'd probably get away with it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Erm...yes, very well.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Well, that's splendid! Shall we swap addresses and telephone numbers?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Yes, certainly.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54Excuse me, I overheard. I'd like my wife murdered as well. Would that be possible?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Oh, no. I don't think I can do that. It might get complicated.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- Well, I suppose - I- could murder your wife.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04- And I could murder yours in return. - Well, I'd be happy enough just murdering your wife.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06My wife is a good sort.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Well, I think you'll find it's easier if you did murder his wife, otherwise things will get confusing.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Very well.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Excuse me, I'd like my wife murdered
0:07:16 > 0:07:20and I'm quite prepared to murder somebody else's wife, if that's what it takes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Now, wait a minute, it's not quite that straightforward.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25We're all paired up, as it were.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26HE SIGHS
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Oh, unless, of course... Would you care to have your wife murdered, too?
0:07:30 > 0:07:35That's not a bad idea, I suppose. But it might be a bit too close for comfort - she's on the train,
0:07:35 > 0:07:36we're travelling together.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39It might look a bit suspicious if you were to... Oh, wait, here she comes now.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Middleton 451, please.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Hello, is that Mrs McGillicuddy?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14It's Mrs Fleming here.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I've just murdered all the husbands. Let's never speak again.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Goodbye.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- Good morning, good morning good morning.- How lovely to meet you - We're minor royals.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Yes. We've been overshadowed by William and Kate, but it couldn't matter less.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39We still have an important role to play.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41What an enticing convenience store!
0:08:41 > 0:08:44And what a snug little spot you have behind your counter -
0:08:44 > 0:08:49you've got your mobile telephone there, your can of Lucozade here - everything just so.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51And what a wonderful place Willesden is!
0:08:51 > 0:08:52No visas, no jabs.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54And so much quicker to get to for the weekend than Morocco.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56It really is a hidden gem.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Our daughter, Izzy, has just moved here.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00She's moved in with her chappie.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02We're very, very pro it all.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- He doesn't say much. - Still waters.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06And he smokes rather a lot of wacky.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08But then, so did Keats. Mmm!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10What an exotic aroma!
0:09:10 > 0:09:14One can't quite put one's finger on it because one's never really heard of any of these things -
0:09:14 > 0:09:17but what a colourful display of beans and pulses and Halal thingies.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Halal is a religious form of meat, isn't it?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23One wouldn't necessarily want to live in a place that sold Halal meat exclusively
0:09:23 > 0:09:26but it's terribly exciting to be able to dip in, so to speak!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28It's like being in that market where your handbag was stolen.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32And yet, cheek by jowl with the exotic, we have the mundane.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36booze, ciggies, loo paper, Whiskas - everything for the down and out.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39We have quite a few down-and-outs in Kensington.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40They always have a story.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Now, you'll have to help us out here. We need a prezzie for Izzy.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47- A house-warming for her and Wacky. - We were going to buy her linen from the White Company...
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- But we thought there was a danger Wacky'd burn a hole in it. - Then we thought - something fresh.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54They don't have a daily, and Wacky doesn't notice the grime.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55We've got Dettol.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09It's like James Bond. You're so quick and instinctive. As if you were born to be a shopgirl.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Thank you.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19So lovely visiting you.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Cheerio. Oh, do you have an OBE?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23No.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Oh, you should do - they give them to you chaps these days. Bye.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29# Parking Pataweyo
0:10:29 > 0:10:32# Parking Pataweyo
0:10:32 > 0:10:34# Parking Pataweyo
0:10:34 > 0:10:37# And his black and white cataweyo
0:10:37 > 0:10:42# Forget to feed the meter Pataweyo's eager
0:10:42 > 0:10:48# To pop a ticket on your car and get you towed away oh! #
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Good morning, Parking Pataweyo.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56It's a lovely day for ticketing hard-working people, isn't it?
0:10:56 > 0:11:01Here comes Roofer Ronnie. "You shouldn't have given me this ticket!" he says.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04"The machine is out of order, so I couldn't pay."
0:11:04 > 0:11:10"There's another machine 400 yards up there, round that corner, then round that corner,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12"then round that corner,"
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Parking Pataweyo points out helpfully.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17"Well, how am I supposed to know that, you nice person?"
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"That's not my concern."
0:11:19 > 0:11:24"Hmm. I intend to appeal against this jolly ticket!"
0:11:24 > 0:11:28"Of course, Roofer Ronnie. That's your right and your prerogative.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31"Let me show you how the appeal process works."
0:11:43 > 0:11:49It looks like Roofer Ronnie's appeal is guaranteed to be unsuccessful, doesn't it, Parking Pataweyo?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Everyone loves Parking Pataweyo!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Ah, Marcus.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- Nutella. Hi.- Hi.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- How are you? - Really, really good. How are you?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Yah, not too bad, thanks. How are you?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Really fantastic. How are you?
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Really good.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Oh! You've grown a...
0:12:16 > 0:12:18A wanker's beard. Yah. Do you like it?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- I do. It actually really works. - Thanks.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22So surprised to see you here at a festival.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Yah, well I realised the shop was looking a bit thin on the ground at weekends
0:12:25 > 0:12:27because all you posh thickos were coming out
0:12:27 > 0:12:30to these rip-offs in a field instead of buying my shit.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Exactly! We were at Fleeced last weekend in Suffolk.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37And next week we're off to the Cotswolds for More Money Than Sense.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Then it's Cashtonbury, then Pay-on-Wye...
0:12:40 > 0:12:41and finally my favourite, Platitude.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Yah yah yah... Buy something.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Ooh, I like these.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Oh, those, yah, those are cheap gumboots but I've painted flowers on them
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- so I can charge you 30 quid. - For a pair?
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Each.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Ah, OK.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Or you can have 3 for 100.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Great. I will take three. One, two, three.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Now, Nutella, I don't know
0:13:06 > 0:13:08if you're interested in legal highs?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Well I say "legal highs" but, uh...
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Do you mean they're illegal?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14No, they're not highs.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16They're dead leaves in a jar.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19But when you smoke them they're so disgusting you feel a bit giddy.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22God, I feel so '60's! Do you know what I mean?
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Well, if you like the '60's... you'll like this shit.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Ooh, vintage clothes, vintage clothes, vintage clothes.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Or would you say retro?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I'd say horrible but you'd probably say they're vintage.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- What is the difference between vintage and retro?- Vintage is old and horrible,
0:13:39 > 0:13:40retro is new and horrible
0:13:40 > 0:13:42but made to look old and horrible.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46But the bottom line is I get the whole lot from a car boot sale, and sell it to you for a fortune.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48You're really clever.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53No, Nutella you're really, really, really, really, really,
0:13:53 > 0:13:58really, really, really, really, really, really, really thick.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00But I don't look 30, do I?
0:14:00 > 0:14:01No, Nutella.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Ah, thank you, Marcus.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Ooh, I think my granny's cleaner used to wear one of these.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Asia, Africa, come on, bring those things.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10BAND STARTS
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Oooh.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Oh, that'll be Alex James coming on.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Is he in the indie tent? - No, the cheese tent.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- He's been working on that difficult, second cheese. - Amazing.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25# Cheese are good, cheddar cheese are good, cheese are good... #
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Gimme an Irish whisky - on the rocks.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Make it a double.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I drink doubles because I'm a cop.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I drink whisky cos I'm a cop.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I drink Irish whisky, cos I'm an Irish cop.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Name's O'Malley-Mulligan-Hoolagey.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Come from a small place in Ireland where everyone's a cop.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Even the cops are cops.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Are you a cop?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Too bad. It's goddam tough being a cop.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Today I had a 187. That's a dead body.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Yesterday I had a 155. That's a traffic fatality.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11The day before on 29th and 43rd in a restaurant I had a 124.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13That's a chicken chow mein.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I had some douchebag pull a 196 on my ass today.
0:15:16 > 0:15:21I pulled this guy over on 184th and 185th and give him a 194 -
0:15:21 > 0:15:23pulled a 196 on my ass.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Are you a cop?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Sure I'm a cop.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I said to myself, O'Malley-Mulligan-Hoolagey,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30that guy's a cop.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33He looks like a cop. He talks like a cop.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Name's O'Pat Eddery-Flannery-Hoonigan. 48th Precinct.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38A cop always knows a cop.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39I'm a cop.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42I'm a cop.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Gimme an Irish.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- Make it a double. - You're a cop, huh?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Did I ask for ice? Ice is for pussies and cops.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59I'm a fire-fighter. 9/11. I was there.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04Both towers at the same time. You a fire-fighter?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I gotta 172 I gotta attend to.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09What about you? Are you a fire-fighter?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11I gotta 126 I gotta eat.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18So, you're a fire-fighter, huh?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Well, anyway anyway anyway anyway,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25your lot can't even afford a decent sack of coal.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29All there ever is in your bunker is a couple of shovelfuls of nutty slack. 'Ow embarrassin'!
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Well anyway, who needs 'orrible dirty old coal?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36We just 'ad oil fired central heatin' put in by Ted Digby.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Very capable 'ands he has.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Bet you don't even know what central heatin' is, do you, Miss Coal Scuttle?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Well, it's where your heatin' is central.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47That green skirt rises up and shows your unmentionables.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Ooh! Central heatin' is it now, Miss Silky Drawers?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Snooty snobs your lot are, with yer airs and your graces.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Doesn't matter 'ow many bottles of Cherry B your mum glugs down the club,
0:16:56 > 0:17:00they'll still call her "fore an aft" cos she leaves most nights with a couple of sailors!
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- You going country dancing tonight? - I'm not, as a matter of fact, I'm stayin' in and doing me nails.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07And anyway, there's no need for that kind of talk,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10that's the language of the snooker hall, that is.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13And anyway Major Crabtree wants to see me alone in his office on Monday.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Probably about a promotion, I shouldn't wonder.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Yes, well, anyway, make sure you get yourself between 'im and the door.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Last time Maisie Moon went in there, he showed her his war wounds,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23and she ain't been right since.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24THEY CHUCKLE
0:17:24 > 0:17:27I couldn't agree more. I've a couple of yearlings running this afternoon,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30and a two-year-old in the last race. How about you Padraig?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33UNINTELLIGIBLY BAD IRISH ACCENT
0:17:33 > 0:17:37..two-year-old... harses this afternoon.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Goodness me, sounds like you're in pretty good shape.- Not too bad...
0:17:40 > 0:17:43UNINTELLIGIBLY BAD IRISH ACCENT
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- ..a beautiful day for the harses. - Well, you took the words out of my mouth, Padraig,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49it is a beautiful day, as it always seems to be at this meeting.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52We are very privileged to have animals running here today.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Now, do you think we'll see a repeat of last year's 3:30?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58You're looking rather pensive Padraig. Penny for your thoughts?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- UNINTELLIGBLY BAD IRISH ACCENT - ..I'm Shagging Your Wife.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Ah, well, I Think You're A Tosser
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- UNINTELLIGBLY BAD IRISH ACCENT - I Think You're A Tosser. I'm Shagging Your Wife.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11ell, I see where you're coming from, Padraig, but I'm Shagging Your Wife has only won over six furlongs.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I think today's length favours your horse, I Think You're a Tosser.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- UNINTELLIGBLY BAD IRISH ACCENT - ..Your Rasilic Hunt.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21I certainly am. Your Rasilic Hunt is the Emir's favourite horse,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24and my reputation with the Dubai Royal Family rests on him coming in for me.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28So I certainly am very nervous, yes. How's your daughter getting on?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Did you get her into Cheltenham Ladies College?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33UNINTELLIGBLY BAD IRISH ACCENT
0:18:33 > 0:18:37...privately, but we managed to get her into Cheltenham Ladies College.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40It's a wonderful school, very convenient for the racecourse.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- Very convenient for the racecourse, of course.- Very convenient.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46- Very convenient for the racecourse. - A wonderful, wonderful, wonderful school.
0:19:17 > 0:19:23One day, the supermarket priests will gather together in a huddle.
0:19:23 > 0:19:28"Bring us the man who took the last bananas!" they will say.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33"Put a cardboard box down on his head!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35"A feathery-light cardboard box
0:19:35 > 0:19:39"through which the light cannot penetrate.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43"Put him outside on the chair, with the box on his head."
0:19:43 > 0:19:48And such a soft evening, what a beautiful sunset...
0:19:48 > 0:19:53But not for you - the man with a box on his head!
0:19:53 > 0:19:57"Leave him there, with the box on his head,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01"while we supermarket priests have a lazy time,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04"lying about and looking at the sunset."
0:20:06 > 0:20:08"Oh, what a beautiful sunset!
0:20:08 > 0:20:12"Ah, I'm really enjoying it."
0:20:12 > 0:20:17But all you can see is very close up shady cars.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I curse you.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Charles, did you see that programme on your late father-in law last night?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I was intending to watch it on the BBC iPlayer tonight.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Were they fair to him?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Oh, yes. He came across as a thoroughly good egg.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43The way he brokered that peace deal between the Matabele and the Shona
0:20:43 > 0:20:46set the standard for diplomacy in Africa that has never been equalled.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Oh, he was a very good egg. - Very good egg.- Very good egg.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Very good egg. - Very good egg, yes.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Very, very good egg.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Talking of very good eggs, I took my granddaughter to see this flat
0:20:54 > 0:20:56owned by the actor, Jeremy Irons.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59He came across as a very good pleasant egg indeed.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Yes, I've heard he's a very pleasant egg.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I believe he's currently at the Hampstead Theatre,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05working with Sir Peter Hall's son Edward.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Oh, yes, Edward Hall, yes, yes.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Apparently he's a thoroughly decent egg, as his father is these days.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Yes, Sir Peter's a very good egg these days,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15although in the past he has been a bit of a beastly egg.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Yes, he did go through a period of egg beastliness,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21before becoming rather an avant-garde egg
0:21:21 > 0:21:24and then rather a flamboyant egg,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27but age has matured him into a decent dependable egg.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Yes, now, Charles, I've got to remove a polyp in half an hour
0:21:30 > 0:21:34from the inner sanctum of that malodorous little Ed, Egg Balls.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Did you hear what you just said?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I do apologise, Charles.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Sometimes I do speak a lot of balls.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45I would assist you with your polyp balls-up, but I'm having dinner
0:21:45 > 0:21:48with Her Majesty and her curate's egg of a husband.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I didn't hear that, Charles.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54You didn't hear that, Sheridan?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Ooh! I went to see Grace Stone, the medium, on Friday night.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04She's part Romany.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07She told me to look out for a man with a cleft palate,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09a harelip and a clubfoot. Imagine!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Yes, well, anyway, anyway, that Jenny Jenkins went out
0:22:11 > 0:22:14with that boy who works down the fish shop on Saturday.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15The one that looks like a fish.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18He took her to see Moby Dick. That film about the big fish.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Apparently all he talked about was fish and he smelt of fish.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24On the way home they bought fish and chips, but he only ate the fish.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27When she got in, she looked in her coat pocket, she found a fish.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Gave her the heebie-jeebies!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31That night, apparently, she had a nightmare about being a fish.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34She woke up on the floor all wrapped up in her blanket like a fish.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37They're engaged now, apparently.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- See you in church on Sunday. Ta-da.- Ta-da.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51Who's this here? Goodness me - it's Parking Pleasant!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53'Hello, Parking Pleasant.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57'Are you feeling pleasant today?
0:22:58 > 0:23:02'"Hello, Parking Pleasant - I'm just popping in to the hairdresser
0:23:02 > 0:23:04'"to make an appointment for tomorrow.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07'"I'll only be a minute or so. Do I need to buy a ticket?"
0:23:07 > 0:23:10'"Of course not, the ticket machine only allows
0:23:10 > 0:23:12'"a minimum of 60p for 10 minutes,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14'"and you're not going to be long at all.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18'"So even though you are technically in Contravention of Paragraph 14 of Section 27
0:23:18 > 0:23:21'"of the Road Traffic Enforcement Act of 2003,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23'"it would be petty and pointless of me
0:23:23 > 0:23:25'"to insist on you purchasing a ticket."
0:23:25 > 0:23:28'"Thank you, Parking Pleasant.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30'"What a pleasant man you are."
0:23:30 > 0:23:32'"Just doing my bit for the Big Society!"
0:23:37 > 0:23:41'That was a mystifying encounter, wasn't it, Parking Pataweyo?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45'Everyone loves Parking Pataweyo.'
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Good morning, sir.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Good morning. Do you have a flight to Africa?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- Why certainly, sir. - I should like a ticket, please.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Very well, I'll write one out for you.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04That will be three guineas, please, if you'll be so kind.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Send the bill to my club. White's in Pall Mall, if you'll be so kind.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Indeed, sir. Now, do you have any bags?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Oh, just those... And my guns, of course.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I should like to take everything with me into the cabin.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19That way, during the flight, I can fiddle with triggers and things.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I doubt that your bags will fit in the overhead lockers.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27- The porters can wedge them in the aisles in front of the emergency exits.- Splendid.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Now, what time does the plane leave?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- Five minutes, sir.- Oh, that won't do at all, I'm afraid.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Tell the pilot he'll have to delay it
0:24:33 > 0:24:35while I buy whisky and cigarettes.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- Very good, sir, I'll telephone him immediately.- I say,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41tell the pilot to buy the whisky and cigarettes for me.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43That way I can board the plane immediately
0:24:43 > 0:24:46and get on with the business of fiddling with guns.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48That's a very good idea, sir.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50It is a no no-smoking flight, isn't it?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Oh, yes, sir, all our flights are no no-smoking.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56It's mandatory to smoke to calm the nerves.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58It's a nervous business, flying.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02It certainly is, sir. After all, 50% of our flights crash.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Have a pleasant flight, sir.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07The aeroplane's just through that door there.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11WIND HOWLS
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Ha-ha...
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Ha-ha...
0:25:18 > 0:25:20MOCK SCANDINAVIAN
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Der BBC e fooked up, hein?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Tak, der BBC ent fooked up.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54DOOR OPENS
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Hi hi.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- Samella.- Tak.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10MOCK SCANDINAVIAN
0:26:41 > 0:26:45# Hurrah for Harry and Paul
0:26:45 > 0:26:49# Your comedy is challenging and bold
0:26:49 > 0:26:53# They're both incredibly handsome and tall
0:26:53 > 0:26:57# And not even beginning to look old
0:26:57 > 0:27:02# Hurrah-ah-ah
0:27:02 > 0:27:06# Harry and Paul. #