0:00:02 > 0:00:04BELL RINGS Oi! You want to look where you're going, mister!
0:00:05 > 0:00:10THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR
0:00:14 > 0:00:16DOORBELL RINGS
0:00:20 > 0:00:24- Hello, Harry.- Hi, Paul. Is that your new neighbour?
0:00:24 > 0:00:27I'm thinking of pur-chay-sing a Golf GTI on Monday.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Yeah. He's a flippin' yuppie.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32I'll see you at Pret a Manger for luncheon.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37- Snout?- Don't mind if I do. Bless your little cotton socks.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39No, I'm meeting up with Tuscany at the champagne bar
0:00:39 > 0:00:42once she's clocked off at the bank. Hasta la vista, Tarquin.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Ciao for now.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47I quite like yuppies.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51They contribute to the trickle-down effect from which we all benefit.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? You're aspiring middle class.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Oh, hello, Harry.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Hello, Shirley. How's tricks?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Oh, you know. I feel a little bit peckish.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Thought I might make myself a nice little cheese'n'pickle sandwich for me din-dins.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09- Paul likes a cheese'n'pickle sandwich for his din-dins, don't you, Paul?- I do. I like ham as well.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I am partial to a bit of ham.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Harry, would you like a nice little cheese'n'pickle sandwich for your din-dins?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- Oh, yes, please, Shirl. Bless your little cotton socks.- Aw.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- Love? Cheese'n'pickle sandwich for your din-dins?- Got any ham?
0:01:23 > 0:01:28Oh, no. No, I don't think we have.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- I got a nice little bit of cheese'n'pickle? - Oh, I'll have that then.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I am partial to a nice little cheese'n'pickle sandwich, Harry,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- without the ham.- Oh.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40How's your Shelly getting on?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42My Shelly, Shirley? She's in bed with rickets.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46- Aww.- Bless her little cotton socks. You got a doily for me, Shirl?
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Oh! I forgot the doilies! What is my brain like?
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Bless your little cotton socks! How was your abortion, Shirley?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Oh, I've had better.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Here we are. Nice little cheese'n'pickle sandwich for your din-dins.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Nice cheese'n'pickle sandwich for your din-dins.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Thank you, Shirley.- Oh, yum.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- Alright, Mr E?- Hello, Kayleigh.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I've had me miscarriage. I'm off to school
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Nice cheese'n'pickle sandwich before you go, for your din-dins?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- Take it with you, sweetheart? - No, thanks, Mum, I'm bulimic.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Bless your little cotton socks.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Awww.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24CHEERING
0:02:24 > 0:02:28# Hurrah for Harry and Paul
0:02:28 > 0:02:32# Your comedy is challenging and bold
0:02:32 > 0:02:37# You're both incredibly handsome and tall
0:02:37 > 0:02:40# You're not even beginning to go bald
0:02:40 > 0:02:42# We strive to increase production
0:02:42 > 0:02:45# Of flat screen televisions
0:02:45 > 0:02:48# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions
0:02:48 > 0:02:52# We're pleased to let you bed our wives whenever your fancy beckons
0:02:52 > 0:02:54# We'll fight with all of our might
0:02:54 > 0:02:56# For your right to develop nuclear weapons
0:02:56 > 0:02:59# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. #
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Spare some change for a cup of tea, please?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Can you spare some change for a cup of tea, please?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14We don't carry change, I'm afraid.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17We usually have a chap who gives us whatever it is.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20We're minor royals, you see. We've been rather overshadowed
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- by William and Kate, but it couldn't matter less.- Couldn't matter less.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24We still have an important role to play.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27But we know exactly how you feel on the tea front.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I'm gasping for a cuppa, but I'm afraid I shall have to wait until I get to my club.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33So we're all in the same boat! No cash for a cuppa!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I'm dying for a ginger nut!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Tell me, why are you in a sleeping bag in the middle of the day?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Because I'm sleeping rough.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Oh! Are you doing your Duke of Edinburgh?
0:03:42 > 0:03:46And with everything so perfect! Your dog here, and such a lovely spot,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49just you, and the sky, and the smell of fresh bread in the morning.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- Mm, bliss!- I don't know how you keep so thin! What's your trick?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I ain't got enough money for food!
0:03:54 > 0:03:58I've just had a terribly good idea. Why don't you eat these pigeons?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- Oh, pigeon pie's a wonderful thing. - It's rather a bony bird
0:04:01 > 0:04:03but with a wonderful deep, gamey flavour.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Yes, you get your dog to catch them and you must hang them
0:04:06 > 0:04:08for a couple of days to tenderise the meat.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- What a lovely dog. - What a lovely dog.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13You know the old chestnut about how dogs look like their owners?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Well, the rule certainly holds fast with you two, doesn't it?
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Look at you with your milky eyes, faraway stares, scruffy coats.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- Wonderful stuff! - Do you have any flowers for me?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24We're minor royals, you see.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- We're rather prone to being given flowers by ordinary people.- No.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Doesn't matter. Don't lose any sleep over it.- I don't suppose you will,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32with your lovely, snuggly sleeping bag,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34ready to take you to the land of nod any moment now, hmm?
0:04:34 > 0:04:38I'm rather envious. I could do with a kip myself,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- but I'm afraid I shall have to wait until I get to my club. Cheerio.- Bye.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Canal cinq.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55MUSIC: "Je T'aime...Mon Non Plus" by Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Badabadabada, bing-bang-bong!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Oh, Bing et too funny pour l'amour.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04ALL CHUCKLING
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Bing fait pipi sur mes vetements!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Le Citron "Chuckle Sexy" et le Citron "Bedroom Pissing",
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Edition Special des Bodyfluids.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Bedroom Pissing avec air-con complimentaire.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Have you heard of Jimmy Carr?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28No.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Have you heard of Dale Winton?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33No.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Have you heard of Matt Smith?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37No.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Have you heard of The Edge?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Nobody's called The Edge.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Probably a misprint.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Have you heard of Ant?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47No.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Have you heard of Dec?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51No.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Have you heard of Ant and Dec?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Of course I've heard of Ant and Dec. Everybody has.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Well, are they a quare?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59One of them looks like a quare and one of them sounds like one.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- He sounds like a quare, he looks like one.- That one looks like one, he sounds like one.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04That one looks like, that one sounds like.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05That one looks like a quare, that one sounds like a quare.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07That one looks like a quare, the other sounds like a quare.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08No, no, no no!
0:06:08 > 0:06:09That one looks like a quare, that one sounds like a quare.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Oh, yes, of course. Yes, yes, yes.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I should think if he looks like a quare and he sounds like a quare,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I should think they probably is a quare, yes.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Yes, probably a queers.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Hello, Teddy, how are you?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Just finished university, which was jolly nice.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31No studying to speak of, fortunately.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Three years of quite hard punting, though.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- And now I'm looking for a job. - Come and work in television.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- Sounds jolly nice. What's television?- I've no idea.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I've been working in television now for three years.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- It's ruddy good. - Do I need an interview?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- They'll ask you if you can see. - I'm actually awfully good at seeing.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Well, you could be Director-General. - What does that entail?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Seeing, mainly. And being paid. - How much will I be paid,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54if it's not too vulgar a question?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56It is rather a vulgar question.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- How much do you want to be paid? - A lot, I suppose. In guineas.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03That can be arranged. Now let's never mention money again.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- Shall I start on Monday? - No. That won't be necessary.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Take a short paid sabbatical and when you're ready, give me a call.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- What's your telephone number? - London 123.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I think I can remember that.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Would you like me to write it down for you?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Would you?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23It seems like a pretty good school.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26It seems like both our girls are getting on pretty well there.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Yeah, our girl's doing really well there. Really, really well.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32A1 A1 A1 A1 A1 A1 A1 in her last report.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- Your girl's not doing badly, is she? - Quite a few Bs but still good.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39There was something on telly about school grades the other day.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41No, no, no, we never watch telly, ever.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Although we did see the first season of The Killing on BBC4 iPlayer, but then we got the box set anyway.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48And season two, we only watched on box set.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49And Borgen, on box set.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51And Those Who Kill, only on box set.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53And Flame and Citron on box set.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55We only ever watch box sets.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58They're so much better than all the rubbish most people watch on television.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00We're so much better than most people.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03We're better than you, unless you watch box sets?
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- No. Not really.- Oh, well, then we are better than you.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Cor, I can't believe you haven't seen the box set of seasons one to six of Mad Men?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14You haven't seen Spartacus: Blood and Sand on box set? Cuh! What?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Surely you've seen Breaking Bad on box set?
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Surely you've seen that?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Surely you've seen the box set of Game of Thrones, surely?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24We've got a friend who still says "series" instead of "season".
0:08:24 > 0:08:26He is such a wanker compared to us.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Canal cinq.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43GLUGGING
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Oh, dear. Oh.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Evening, Dougal. - Good evening, Geoff.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Terrible weather we're experiencing down here in London.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- It's terrible, innit? - I heard on the weather forecast
0:09:05 > 0:09:06that it's not raining in Scotland.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- Really?- Aye. Only in England. Aye. Not in Scotland.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13No, in Scotland, the weather's very, very pleasant indeed.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Whereas down here in England, it's quite to the contrary, aye.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Oh yes, the weather's much better in Scotland than England, aye.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- Right. What are you having? - Everything's better in Scotland.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- So, what you having?- Well, I shall have a pint of beer, please.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Do you have any Scottish beer?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31No, just the usual, Dougal.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33No Scottish beer at all?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35No, as always, we have no Scottish beer.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Oh, that is a disappointment. Oh, dear.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40It's very, very difficult to get a good English beer, I find.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Whereas, in Scotland,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45it's practically impossible not to be served a tremendous pint.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- Three pounds, please. - Oh, that is dear.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50In Scotland, the beer is of better quality
0:09:50 > 0:09:53and much more competitively priced.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Everything's better in Scotland.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Oh, there goes my telephone, invented by a Scotsman.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Hello, Mother, how's the weather in Scotland?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Oh, that'll be the English weather moving north.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Dinnae worry about him, pal, we're not all like that.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I take a sideways look at life.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Imagine if we didnae have doors?
0:10:19 > 0:10:24It'd be like we're all living in one massive room. Spooky, eh?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32DOG SQUEALS Oh! I'm sorry! Sorry!
0:10:45 > 0:10:51I see a man, a quiet man with a dark beard.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55He likes to wear a black suit to his work.
0:10:55 > 0:11:00He enjoys his work, driving the steamroller all around the town,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03helping the people out.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08Perhaps one day, while you are buying your morning newspaper,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11he will drive his steamroller all over you.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16Driving his steamroller all over you and your newspaper.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19People will see you all around the town.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"There he is, stuck on the steamroller,
0:11:22 > 0:11:30"reading his newspaper like a very thin cartoon cat."
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I curse you.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45£180 for a new tyre.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I was avoiding this cat and I bashed into the kerb.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Oh, we love Curb. Got it on box set.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- And Modern Family.- So brilliant.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- And The Office.- But only the American seasons.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- Oh, God, not the English seasons. - No, no.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00God, no. Not the box set, no. Oh, God, no.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Surely you've got seasons one to seven of Curb on box set, surely?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Surely you've got Curb on box set?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- You have to.- Everyone loves Curb. - Everyone's got Curb.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM" THEME MUSIC
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- You know, in Scotland, they tempura chocolate bars?- What, like Hershey?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- Yeah, like Hershey. - Yeah, you know the Scotch,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- they're very healthy, you know, they walk on walls.- Healthy?!
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- Have you ever seen a Scotch egg? - Shut up, Larry.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Oh, Larry!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33What?!
0:12:33 > 0:12:34- Larry!- What?!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36What I do?
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Larry!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Look, I know you're mad at me
0:12:42 > 0:12:47but I would never knowingly leave my semen in our friend's guacamole.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Budding entrepreneurs Ken and Brian from Brian Farnett
0:12:55 > 0:12:58have developed an app that they hope
0:12:58 > 0:13:02will download some interest from the dragons.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Hello, Dragons.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07I am Ken and this is my partner, Brian,
0:13:07 > 0:13:13and we are asking for an investment of £81,325.71
0:13:13 > 0:13:19for a 16.4432% investment in our company.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Most of the Dragons seem confused already
0:13:22 > 0:13:24but the dead Dragon's intrigued.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27VINTAGE HORROR MUSIC, THUNDERCLAP
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- COMPUTER VOICE:- Brian and I have developed an app.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Brian and I have developed an app.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37It predicts what you're going to say next.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- It predicts what you're going to say next.- Everyone's going to want it.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Everyone's going to want it.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48Can I just say, I sold my dog's kennel to start my first business.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53Can I just say, I sold my dog's kennel to start me first business.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- That can never work. - That can never work.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57It doesnae know what I'm going to say next.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It doesnae know what I'M going to say next.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Ridiculous.- Ridiculous.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- I'm out.- I'm out.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05SMACKING SOUND, CHEWING
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- I like it.- I like it.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- It's clever, like me. - It's clever, like me.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19- And I'm going to make you an offer for- (SPEEDING UP)- £81,325.71.
0:14:19 > 0:14:25- And I'm going to make an offer for- (SPEEDING UP)- £81,325.71.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Thank you.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30CREAKING
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Thank you so much, we will not let you down.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36What a mug.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Let's get smashed and blow the rest of the cash down the bookies.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43That Scottish one gets on my tits.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47I can't wait to piss this all up the wall.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49So it was all going so well
0:14:49 > 0:14:52but then instead of saying what you were going to say next,
0:14:52 > 0:14:57your phone started saying what you were going to say in half an hour.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I wonder if he has studs in his nipples.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07# Parking Pataweyo
0:15:07 > 0:15:09# Parking Pataweyo
0:15:09 > 0:15:12# Parking Pataweyo
0:15:12 > 0:15:14# And his black and white cat...aweyo
0:15:14 > 0:15:18# Forget to feed the meter
0:15:18 > 0:15:20# Pataweyo's eager
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# To pop a ticket on your car
0:15:22 > 0:15:25# And get you towed away-o. #
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Hello, Parking Pataweyo.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Why are you pacing up and down in a frantic fashion?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Oh, you're over there,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38and there's a car parked on a double yellow line
0:15:38 > 0:15:41on the other side of a busy dual carriageway.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45The driver's gone to help an old lady who's collapsed in the street.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51But that doesn't make his parking violation any less serious,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53does it, Parking Pataweyo?
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Now the paramedic's arrived, and the driver's returning to his car.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Frustrating, isn't it, Parking Pataweyo?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04The nice man's going to end up keeping £60
0:16:04 > 0:16:06that he's no longer technically entitled to,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08just for helping that poor old lady.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11What the...?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15How the...?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Ha!
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Super Pataweyo, we salute you!
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Everyone loves Parking Pataweyo.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36REGGAE MUSIC
0:16:40 > 0:16:46- Oh, hi, Thicko.- Marcus. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- I hear your husband left you.- Yeah.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Is he all right?
0:16:50 > 0:16:54I don't know, he hasn't called the kids or anything, so...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Well, if he does, give him my best, will you?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03What are you up to tonight? Fancy coming out for a drink?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Oh, um... I don't know...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- You've got a live-in nanny, haven't you?- Yah, but...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Good, so you're coming for a drink with me.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Now, this lovely cabinet here,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I though of you the moment I saw it wasn't selling.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Oh, how nice. How much is it?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24To you, £2,000. Oh...
0:17:24 > 0:17:27It's a bloody parking warden. Hang on a sec.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Look after the shop for me.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Oi, wanker!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33What the hell do you think you're doing?!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Hello. How are you today?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41It's a lovely day.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Oh, for God's sake... Yes(!)
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- How much is that thing? - That's £2,000.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Don't be stupid.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54It says "£1,000."
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Oh...- And it's not even worth that. I'll give you £300.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- Oh, gosh...- £200 for cash.- Oh...
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- Hurry up, it's going down. Here. Take it out for me.- Right.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- What the hell's going on? - I bought this from your shop
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- and I'm taking it home. - How much did she pay?- £200.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19You better be bloody joking. That's only four times more than I paid for it.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22She was very happy to sell it to me and I've given her the money.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24You idiot. You fool.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27You...woman.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- I'm sorry, Marcus.- Out.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I'll see you at Coopers, 8:30 tonight.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Oh, actually, what are you doing tonight, do you fancy a drink?
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- With an idiot like you?- Oh, don't get all smart-alec with me.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42You're not ageing as well as you think. Do you or don't you?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Yes, you rude git.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Oh, Thicko, I can't make tonight.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Something's come up. Out.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Oh, well, never mind. I probably would...- Out!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Anyway, anyway, anyway.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I haven't told you about my new young man, have I? Howard.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00He's ever such a gentleman. He took me to the Windsor Arms last night.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02That's right, the Windsor Arms.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Don't suppose you've ever been to the Windsor Arms? I don't think so.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Ever so nice in there, it is, they've got a deer's head
0:19:07 > 0:19:09on the wall and the barman's called Gerrard.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Much better than the dirty old Dog and Bucket your Terry takes you to.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Pooh! You can smell the lavatories from the snug in there
0:19:15 > 0:19:18and the crisps are always soggy. Anyway, Howard, my new young man,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20proper gentleman, he bought me three Pimms and lemonades,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22yes, three Pimms and lemonades!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24And he treated me to scampi and chips at the Blue Lagoon
0:19:24 > 0:19:27and when he dropped me off, he only tried for tops.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Brand new Austin Atlee he's got.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Bwahaha... Well I'm very much looking forward to it, Padraig.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I don't think there's ever been such a rivalry as the one we enjoy in this race today.
0:19:38 > 0:19:44I won in 1992, 1993, 1994, you won in 1995, 1996, I won in 1997,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46you won in 1998 and 1999.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50INCOMPREHENSIBLE GIBBERISH ..Mrs Baker won it in 2000.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Oh, yes, of course, Mrs Annabel Baker, a wonderful character,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55two lovely daughters, Margaret and Joan.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Always to be seen tramping the course early in the morning in oversized gumboots.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02I won in 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06INCOMPREHENSIBLE, HEAVILY-ACCENTED, FAST-PACED GIBBERISH
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Well, he had two of them, didn't he?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Had to have one of them amputated.
0:20:12 > 0:20:19INCOMPREHENSIBLE, HEAVILY-ACCENTED, FAST-PACED GIBBERISH
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Haha! But on a serious note, My Syphilis Is Back, and...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24GIBBERISH ..A Blasted Nuisance.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27A Blasted Nuisance, I would say, yes.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I saw My Syphilis Is Back running at Doncaster earlier in the year.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32A wonderful animal but well off the pace of A Blasted Nuisance.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Talking of syphilis, did you see Phyllis and Peter?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38They're back from their safari in Africa, full of stories of lions
0:20:38 > 0:20:41and monkeys and what have you. Wonderful stuff, absolutely wonderful.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Stayed in a lovely little hotel, used to belong to Peter Bing.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47GIBBERISH ..Kenya... Full of Russians these days.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Full of Russians. Everywhere's full of Russians these days, isn't it?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- You know we went to Louis' last night?- Louis'?
0:20:57 > 0:20:58What'd you order at Louis'?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00The shrimp.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- You had the shrimp at Louis'? - Yeah, I had the shrimp at Louis'.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05No-one has the shrimp at Louis'!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- I order the shrimp at Louis'! - Oh, yeah, Larry,
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- always to be different, huh? - No, I feel sorry for the guy who brings the shrimp.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14He only has one leg.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Shut up, Larry!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Larry!
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- What?!- Larry!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- Larry!- What?!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27COUGHING
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Larry!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Look, I know you're mad at me,
0:21:32 > 0:21:37but I would never knowingly leave my cock ring in our friends' calamari.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46I say, Chatters, here's an idea.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Let's up sticks for a while and pop off to the North Pole.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Those Norwegians are already en route. It wouldn't do for them to get there first.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Capital idea. When shall we go?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Well, let's have pudding first and then go, shall we?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- Excellent. Who shall we take with us?- Let's see.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03We'll need someone to laugh at to keep up morale when things get sticky.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Good heavens. That's rather fortunate. It's Lardy Daniels.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I say, Lardy, old man, polish off lunch, old boy,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- we're off to the North Pole. - Oh! Good crack.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- What's the weather like up there? - Pretty chilly, I should imagine,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16but you've got plenty of insulation, what?!
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Oh, good joke, Jonty. I like your good-natured joshing.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24- Yes, well, laughing at you will keep us all entertained during the long nippy nights, Lardy.- Good point.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Do you think we need to take any equipment, Jonty?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Warm shirt and tie, spare pair of pants perhaps, tea bags.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Tent possibly. Wouldn't want to make a fuss.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36All we need now is a chap who knows about geography and we're ready to go.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Chivers, which way is north?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39North, sir? Er...
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Get a sturdy jacket, man, you're coming to the North Pole.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Very good, sir.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46After pudding.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Of course! I nearly forgot.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51You'd never forget pudding, would you, Lardy?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53That's why you're so fat!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Work Experience?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Is there any chance of that cup of tea?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13That I asked you for? An hour ago?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Ah, thanks, Work Experience.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Oh! Work Experience, you have to boil the kettle
0:23:40 > 0:23:43when you make a cup of tea, please.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Thanks.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52In fact, look, don't bother, just leave the cup of tea there,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54and could you come and put some stamps
0:23:54 > 0:23:56on these envelopes for me, please?
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Put them in the out tray just over there, OK? Thank you.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06No, Work Experience, they peel off like this, OK?
0:24:06 > 0:24:11Peel off, put them there, just like that, see?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13OK, just like that? OK?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19It's the wrong way up, but good, anyway,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I'm sure the Queen won't mind.
0:24:47 > 0:24:53Work Experience? You dropped all the letters on the way except one.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Would you pick them up, please?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Here's an invitation to me and me fiance's engagement party.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"Terry Buckle and I kindly request your company at the Bull and Last.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56"Don't bring food cos we've got sausage rolls."
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Oh, thank you very much, I'm sure I'd be delighted to come
0:25:59 > 0:26:03to you and your fiance's engagement do. I've been to all his others.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Forgot what I was going to say now.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Your family lets the whole neighbourhood down.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Proper stench there is coming from your house.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Carbolic is what you need. Tidiness is what you could do with.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Slovenliness is what some call it. Bit tarty you are some would say.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Not me, mind. And your brother, what a tearaway he is.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26He threw a stone at that poor deaf and dumb man
0:26:26 > 0:26:27who lives with his mum in the prefab.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32Oh, libel, that is, libel! I'll have you know that my mum does for a vicar who knows a bishop
0:26:32 > 0:26:34who knows a judge, so we'll see you in court, you see if we don't.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36You can be hanged for that, libel,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38hanged by your neck until you be dead.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Here, did you bring those Chelsea buns?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Yeah, I got two of 'em but Fatty Freda spotted me
0:26:42 > 0:26:45on the way and she pinched one. So we'll have to share. Anyway.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- Anyway.- And anyway.- Well, anyway.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Jeff wants a wooden toilet seat.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54I mean, who wants a wooden toilet seat?
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Larry would never want a wooden toilet seat.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00That's one good thing you can say about Larry.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03CHILD CRYING IN ROOM BEYOND
0:27:06 > 0:27:07- LITTLE GIRL:- Mummy!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Larry!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I took, I, I get confused , my left, my right,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I mean, come on, I would never knowingly urinate
0:27:21 > 0:27:24on our friends' sleeping children.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# Hurrah for Harry and Paul
0:27:30 > 0:27:35# Your comedy is challenging and bold
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# You're both incredibly handsome and tall
0:27:38 > 0:27:43# You're not even beginning to look bald
0:27:43 > 0:27:45# We strive to increase production
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# Of flat screen televisions
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# In the highest of definitions
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. #