0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:07What's your current handicap, Paul?
0:00:07 > 0:00:09284, Harry.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13Oh, mine's 285. Should be in for an interesting game of golf today.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Shot, Harry.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Nice shot, Paul.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Shot, Harry.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Nice shot, Paul.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Shot, Harry.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Nice shot, Paul.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Shot, Harry.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Nice shot, Paul.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Shot, Harry.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Do you want to change your cue?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41No, I'm quite happy with this one.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Might as well take the flag out. Please.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Pressure shots.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Nice shot, Paul.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Shot, Harry.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Congratulations, Paul. You win the game of golf.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Thanks very much, Harry. I'll trouser that.
0:01:05 > 0:01:11# Hurrah for Harry and Paul Your comedy is challenging and bold
0:01:11 > 0:01:16# You're both incredibly handsome and tall
0:01:16 > 0:01:19# You're not even beginning to look old
0:01:19 > 0:01:24# In spite of increased production of flat-screen televisions
0:01:24 > 0:01:27# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions
0:01:27 > 0:01:31# We're pleased to let you bed our wives whenever your fancy beckons
0:01:31 > 0:01:33# We'll fight with all of our might
0:01:33 > 0:01:36# For your right to defend with nuclear weapons
0:01:36 > 0:01:38# Love for Harry and Paul. #
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Why the mischievous grin, Harry?
0:01:44 > 0:01:48I was just internally chortling about the idea of how
0:01:48 > 0:01:51enjoyable life might be if we were all a little bit more like the Arab.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Congratulations, Mr Wilson,
0:02:04 > 0:02:08you've just passed your driving test at the 38th attempt.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Have you heard of Harry Redknapp?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Yes.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Is he a quare?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Well he doesn't much look like a quare, does he?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Oh, he doesn't much look like a quare.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30And he doesn't much sound like a quare
0:02:30 > 0:02:32when he's on It's Match Of The Day.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Oh, he doesn't much sound like a quare
0:02:34 > 0:02:36when he's on It's Match Of The Day.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38No, Harry Redknapp's a rather rough and ready fellow, isn't he?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Yes, a rough and ready ruffian.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43I wonder if it's possible to not much look like a quare
0:02:43 > 0:02:45and not much sound like a quare
0:02:45 > 0:02:47when one's interviewed on It's Match Of The Day
0:02:47 > 0:02:49and be a ruff and ready ruffian sort of fellow
0:02:49 > 0:02:50yet still be a quare.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I feel rather out of my depth here.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- Bunny?- Bunny.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Bunny?- Bunny.- Bunny?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Bunny?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- You're a quare, aren't you? - Oh, yes.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Is it possible to not much look like a quare
0:03:04 > 0:03:05and not much sound like a quare
0:03:05 > 0:03:07when one's interviewed on It's Match Of The Day,
0:03:07 > 0:03:11and yet still actually be a rough and ready ruffian quare?
0:03:11 > 0:03:17You mean like, could one be a builder, and a quare?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- Goodness.- I suppose...yes
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Or a great, big, tattooed sailor?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Or an Army Sergeant just back from Afghanistan
0:03:27 > 0:03:29and in need of a little love?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Or a Filipino washer-upper at the Caprice without a valid work permit?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Or a bare-knuckled gypsy boxer, semi-naked,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41and glistening in the ring, taking on all comers.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Have you seen the weather forecast?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- No.- It's going to be nice.- Good.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Ah, Mr Fielding. Congratulations, your new baby boy.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Aw!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Wow. Aw!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Beautiful! Hello!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03BABY CRIES
0:04:04 > 0:04:06GUNFIRE AND ARAB MUSIC PLAYS
0:04:12 > 0:04:16(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Good evening, Geoff. Reading a book, I see.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17I was trying to, yeah.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Is it by Sir Walter Scott?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21No, Dougal. Len Deighton.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Len Deighton. Oh, no. he's an English writer, is he not?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- Yes, Dougal.- No, no.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Scottish writers are much, much better than English writers, I find.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Sir Walter Scott, Robert Louis Stevenson, Irvine Walsh -
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43"The price we have to pay for money is sometimes liberty,
0:04:43 > 0:04:44"Begbie, you big spunk sac."
0:04:44 > 0:04:47And I've yet to quote Robbie Burns.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50"Dare to be honest and fear no labour."
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Can you quote Len Deighton?- No.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Do you celebrate Len Deighton Night?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- No, Dougal. No.- No.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Scottish writers are much, much more worthy of celebration
0:05:00 > 0:05:02than English writers, aye.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Oh, yes. Everything's better in Scotland. Aye.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07So, what are you having, Dougal?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09I shall have a wee dram of whisky, aye.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Do you have Scottish whisky?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- Yes.- Ah, and do you have English whisky?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14No.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Oh, you don't have English whisky?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- No.- No English whisky at all?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20No, none at all.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Oh.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Would that be because Scottish whisky is much, much better
0:05:23 > 0:05:25than English whisky?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Probably.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Aye, well, I shall have a Scottish whisky, please.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Yes, from the Highlands of Scotland. Yes, which are much, much higher
0:05:32 > 0:05:35than the highlands of England, which aren't very high at all.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38There's high peaks in the Lake District.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40The Lake District doesn't even have a beastie.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I refer of course to the beastie in Loch Ness, Nessie.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47The nearest you have to a beastie is The Beastie of Bodmin Moor,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50which is merely an escaped cat.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51MOBILE RINGS
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Hello, mother. A beastie? On Arthur's seat?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Oh, dear. And Tiddles has been missing for three days?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Don't worry about him, pal. We're not all like that.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I take a sideways look at life.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Aren't underpants fantastic?
0:06:12 > 0:06:16The way they keep your winkie warm and cosy?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Imagine if we did'nae have shelves or tables?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Everything'd be on the floor! How spooky's that?
0:06:25 > 0:06:30Do you know, Charles, it's such a shame about poor Audrey, Charles.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Such a shame, yes.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34She really was the life and soul of our time at Cambridge.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Do you remember the time that TV crew came and filmed us all?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38I don't, no.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Don't you, Charles?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40No.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Really?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44No. No.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49There's a new generation on the march - a new human phenomenon.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51"Young people".
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Who are these "young people" and how will they shape our future?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58We caught up with three "young people", students at Cambridge.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I'm one of the young people. We're studying medicine, aren't we?
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Oh, yes.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Yes. We come from medical families, medical backgrounds,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- don't we, Charles?- Oh, yes.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I'm also reading Greats, English Literature and Physics -
0:07:09 > 0:07:10but that's just for fun.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I'm a communist and I'm going to have sex before marriage.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20# Women of the world Why can't we all unit
0:07:20 > 0:07:23# We'd like to cease production but we're just too jolly polite
0:07:23 > 0:07:26# If only then we could unify Then we could pool our might
0:07:26 > 0:07:30# And give McMillan and his chums the most almighty fright. #
0:07:30 > 0:07:32What is your vision of the future?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I think it's going to be perfectly lovely.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Everyone's going to get on frightfully well.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Beastliness will be abolished and I'm very looking forward to it.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I agree with Sheridan.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43But on the downside, I think there might be a link
0:07:43 > 0:07:45between smoking and cancer.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I hope for a socialist utopia along the lines of the Soviet Union, where
0:07:48 > 0:07:51they share everything and poverty and hardship has been eradicated.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I also hope more young ladies like myself
0:07:53 > 0:07:55are going to have sex before marriage.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01For our next sketch, we present Homer's Silly-Ad!
0:08:02 > 0:08:06What? I've got to go all the way to Troy with my lumbago?
0:08:06 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Do you think we should ban the bomb?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I think we jolly well should.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Oh, ban all bombs. And more ladies should have sex before marriage.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Are you doing one of your Footlights skits now?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19No, we're just being feminist and brilliant.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Has anyone read Lucky Jim?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Oh, yes.- Rather.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Me too. And Lady Chatterley's Lover.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Are you doing one of your Footlights skits now?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29No, we're still being brilliant.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30I like jazz music.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I didn't realise they'd translated it.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I've only ever read it in Urdu.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45What's the matter with Audrey today?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Last night she had sex before marriage with Kingsley Amis.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52She's renounced communism and returned to the Catholic church.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Are you doing one of your Footlights skits now?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01(MUMBLES) Holy Mary mother of God, pray for our sins now...
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Poor, poor Audrey. How long was she in that convent for?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Oh, I suppose if she went in in '55,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11she would've been in for 50, 55 years?
0:09:11 > 0:09:1350, 55 years?
0:09:13 > 0:09:1755 years. It was only three years ago that she came out.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Did you attend her civil partnership to her brick-laying lesbian lover?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22I did, Charles.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26And it really was a joy to see her finally find love after what,
0:09:26 > 0:09:2750, 55 years?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29- 50, 55 years. - Must've been 50, 55 years.
0:09:29 > 0:09:3150, 55 years.
0:09:31 > 0:09:3250, 55 years without love, Charles.
0:09:32 > 0:09:3450, 55 years. Goodness me.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Yes, 50, 55 years.
0:09:36 > 0:09:3750, 55 years.
0:09:37 > 0:09:3850, 55 years.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24How's Anne, George?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Oh, much the same.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29You know George, don't you, George?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33How's Anne, George?
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Much the same.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Gentlemen, there's a crisis in the Circus.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Clearly.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44We seem to be employing two George Smileys.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Quite.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51Well I'm the real George Smiley, because I'm cleaning my glasses.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I'm the real George Smiley...
0:10:56 > 0:10:58..because I'm looking out the window at a double-decker bus.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03The question you have to ask yourself, Control, is,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05who is copying whom?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I'm copying no-one.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I went back to the books for this.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14That's where I got voice - the books.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"Use the force, Luke."
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Oh, dear, George.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Perhaps it would be safer
0:11:18 > 0:11:20if you said "Nil by Mouth".
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Back off both of you.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Or take it outside.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Look, I can't have two George Smileys.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31It's costing us a fortune in tea and biscuits.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Might I offer a solution
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- What?- A contest.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40To see which of us looks the most disappointed with the world...
0:11:40 > 0:11:45..whilst at the same time suggesting a hinterland of other interests
0:11:45 > 0:11:46All right.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Hmm. Impressive.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57George?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Oh, this is useless. How about a job share?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Will it affect our pensions?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I don't see how it could.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Then I don't see how I could possibly object.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Yes, it would seem to be the perfect solution.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16So, in a way, you could say that the best man half won.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Did he?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Did he really?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32It seems obvious from the evidence before this court that
0:12:32 > 0:12:34you are entirely innocent of the crime
0:12:34 > 0:12:36of which you stand accused, namely
0:12:36 > 0:12:40the possession of a knife with the intention of endangering life.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Therefore, case dismissed.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- Jeremy's going to be there. - Oh, is he?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Justin'll be there.- Oh, yes. - And Jocelyn.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Ah, good morning! Morning, morning! - Morning. What a blustery day!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Um, hello. Do I know you?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- I don't think so.- We're minor Royals. I'm a cousin of the queen.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10And so am I, but by a different branch of the family - fortunately!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Yes, we've been overshadowed by William and Kate
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- but it couldn't matter less. - It really couldn't.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- Maybe I recognise your voices. - Of course!
0:13:18 > 0:13:20You recognise people through their voices!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I suppose if one sense is completely defunct then the others
0:13:23 > 0:13:26have to sort of sharpen up a bit. How brilliant the body is!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28And to go for a walk when you can't see anything!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I couldn't do it, I really couldn't.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I'd be too worried about being run over by a car
0:13:33 > 0:13:35or walking smack-bang into a lamppost.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39So jolly good for you! Can we do anything? Look after your dog or...?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Well, if I give you my dog, I wouldn't get very far. He's my eyes.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Of course! That's why blind people have dogs.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48One learns something new every day in the park, it's such an education.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50We have a black lab called Mugabe.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Yeah, well, if you'll excuse me, I need to get home.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Of course.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56You live in a home. We could open your home for you.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Yes, I always carry scissors in case there's a ribbon to cut.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Yes, we could name your home after my wife -
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- The Princess George Home for the Marvellously Blind.- No.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- Couldn't matter less. Off you toddle then. Goodbye.- Cheerio!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Quite extraordinary how he can sense where the path goes.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- It's actually quite creepy. - Good for you.- Come on.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Wonderful things, trees, aren't they, darling?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22How do they know when to grow and shed their leaves?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I'm sure I'd get in a terrible muddle if I were a tree.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Nonsense! You'd make a marvellous tree.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31- Bunny?- Bunny?- Bunny?- Bunny?- Bunny?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Bunny's been in the lavatory for three hours now,
0:14:34 > 0:14:35do you think he's locked himself in?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38He might have gone home.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Well anyway, Beryl Hayes got a splinter in 'er tuppence
0:14:46 > 0:14:49but she won't let Dr Ferguson near it with the tweezers.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51It'll go sceptic, you mark my words.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Well, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, that Beryl Hayes 'as got
0:14:54 > 0:14:56more than a splinter in 'er tuppence most nights,
0:14:56 > 0:14:57if you know what I mean.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Went sceptic years ago, if you know what I mean.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01She's a hoor, if you know what I mean.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I don't like that Doctor Ferguson.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06You can't see a thing in 'is surgery through that stinky pipe smoke
0:15:06 > 0:15:08and 'is nose 'airs are disgustin' - all long and thick and black.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11You can't understan' a word of his Scotch accent,
0:15:11 > 0:15:13sounds like 'e's abaht to bite your head orf.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Well anyway, 'e made our Albert's cough better,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18made 'im switch fag brands from Empire full strength
0:15:18 > 0:15:21to Pimlico deluxe and now 'e ain't bringin' up nearly so much blood.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Well, anyway, anyway...
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Well, anyway, that turn in your sister's eye is getting worse.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I waved at her this morning
0:15:27 > 0:15:30but she was looking in two different directions at once.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Saves time when she's crossing the road
0:15:32 > 0:15:34but she'll never get a husband looking like that.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Well, anyway, at least my sister
0:15:36 > 0:15:38ain't a big, fat, ugly, smelly lump like yorn.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39I think I saw one of those
0:15:39 > 0:15:42varicose veins in one of your legs that's going septic.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43You want to watch out for that dandruff -
0:15:43 > 0:15:45it's like the Himalayas on your shoulders.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50Anyway, have you heard? Apparently they've arrested Frank the coalman.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51They reckon he's pinched a piece of coal
0:15:51 > 0:15:54out of every single sack 'e's delivered since 1935.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57They reckon he's had over £65 worth over the years.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Well, anyway, I got four Chelsea buns from 'Ibberts this morning.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Thruppence ha'penny the lot. One of 'em ad a squashed fly in it.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Gave it to Fatty Freda Watson - she didn't seem to mind.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09I don't like your new green cardy. It's a bit tarty.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15INCOMPREHENSIBLE MOCK IRISH ACCENT
0:16:15 > 0:16:18..probably Newmarket. Right away round the...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Well, I can lend you my chap Michael, if you like,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22he's a decent vet - one of the Greenfields.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25The Greenfields. Very good hairse doctor. Very good hairse doctor.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I'll get him to come down
0:16:27 > 0:16:29and take a look at that fetlock for you, shall I?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31..advisable. Really appreciate that. That'll be great.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Now then, Padraig, a little bird tells me you're about to sell
0:16:34 > 0:16:37your shares in the Soho House Group to Bernie Ecclestone.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Oh, now. Yes,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42the little fella rang me up and said his daughter's costing him
0:16:42 > 0:16:44an arm and a leg and he only has a little arm.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45He does only have a little arm.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- He's only got a very little leg. - He does only have a little leg.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Yes, and it's not the easiest time in the world.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54I've also got to shift half of me holding in H&M.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59..pinning all me hopes on me luxury development in Shanghai.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01If it does as well as your Dubai development,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03you'll be buying yourself a new Veyron.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Ah, well...
0:17:04 > 0:17:06INCOMPREHENSIBLE
0:17:06 > 0:17:10..one in Dubai, one in Southern Ireland and one in Cork.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Do you not have Your Toupee here today?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Ah, well, I thought in a couple of days over the gallops,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16"I'm better off with Dreadlock Holiday."
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Yes, Dreadlock Holiday's better over the soft ground than Your Toupee.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I was going to ask you, whatever happened to Your Idiot Child?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24He's doing very well,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27since he won the St Leger here last year I put him in to stud.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30He's earning a lot more money than my shares in BP, I can tell you.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34I actually meant your other idiot child.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, he's just flunked his AS Levels at Bradfield.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37If the worst comes to the worst,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I've got him a job lined up on the cufflink counter at Aspreys.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42So there we have it,
0:17:42 > 0:17:46the winner of this year's Gold Cup, Easy Does it.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Trained by Padraig O'Herlahee and owned by Her Majesty The Queen.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57'Canal cinq.'
0:18:03 > 0:18:04HONK! HONK!
0:18:04 > 0:18:08BEEPING
0:18:08 > 0:18:09- GAVEL BANGS - Bing!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Ce n'etait pas moi!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Le verdict est coupable.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Monsieur le Juge -
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Bing est trop amusant d'etre amusant condamne a la prison.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39'La Citron Autobus Molester, avec Air Con. Edition Pervert.'
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Oh did I tell you I'm getting married on Saturday?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Really? Who's the lucky filly?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Well, I don't know yet. It's only Tuesday.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- Still plenty of time.- That's true.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53She looks nice, I'll marry her.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Excuse me, young lady, will you marry me?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59You have such handsome wavy hair, I'd love to.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I could stay at home and cook and clean for you.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04And laugh at all your jokes and look happy and pretty for you.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Well, that's splendid. I'll see you at Saint Margaret's church
0:19:07 > 0:19:10on Saturday at three o'clock sharp. Don't be late or I'll be livid.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17- What about children? Given them much thought?- Heavens, no! I have now.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19We'll have five. Three boys and two girls.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21We'll call the boys John and the girls Janet.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Nanny'll look after them in the nursery.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25When they're 18, they can go to university.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27After that, I'll meet them and see if I like them.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29You'll probably need a bigger house
0:19:29 > 0:19:31what with all those children and a nanny and so forth.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33That's a good point. Bill?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- Hello, Bill, how's the bank? - Oh, you know. Full of ledgers.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Listen, Bill, I'm getting married and having five children on Saturday,
0:19:41 > 0:19:42so I'll need a mortgage for a bigger house.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Nothing fancy, just a villa on Hyde Park or something.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Oh, better write you a cheque out here and now.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Won't you need some security?
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Oh, you're a good sort aren't you?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52And so say all of us.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Decent of you, Bill. Well, to my future wife.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- What's her name? - Do you know, I don't know.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I don't suppose it matters. I'll call her "darling",
0:20:04 > 0:20:07unless of course she breaks some of the family crockery
0:20:07 > 0:20:10or loses a house key, in which case I'll call her "you bloody fool".
0:20:15 > 0:20:17'Canal cinq.'
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Ah, Bing, tu as les cornes d'orignac,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27comme les anglais disent "Moose".
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Moose! Oui! Avec des pom-poms!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Et tu manges des popadom et le pamplemousse.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36C'est comme la Citron Popadom Pom-pom Pamplemousse Moose -
0:20:36 > 0:20:40edition speciale - Popadom Pom-pom Pamplemousse Moose.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Pah, ding-dang-dang. Popadom Pom-Pom Pamplemousse Moose.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46'Citroen Popadom Pom-Pom Pamplemousse Moose -
0:20:46 > 0:20:48'edition speciale. Nom Improbable.'
0:20:48 > 0:20:51# Here's a man that lives next door... #
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Hi Marcus.- Thicko.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Mwah.- Mwah. Back again!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Like a bad smell. Mwah.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- This is my sister - Intelligencia. - Hiya!- God, how nauseating.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Intelligencia's companies are so 'mazing.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I started superyummygobbling.com for nice chocolatey things
0:21:11 > 0:21:13and I've just sold that for 40 million.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Then I started cosyou'rejollyscrummy.com
0:21:17 > 0:21:20for creamy cup cakey things, and that's now worth a hundred million.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23And then I started scrummyyummy mummy.com
0:21:23 > 0:21:25for scrumptious things for scrumptious mummies
0:21:25 > 0:21:28and that's now worth 200 million...
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Sorry. Do you mind if I just retch?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I knew you'd like her. And I thought she might like to buy...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- ..some of my shit? - I want to buy the brand!
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I love the brand "I saw you coming". All the lovely mummies love it.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I can see huge potential for worldwide growth.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48I'll give you £10 million.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49You are fucking joking?!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00MINOR KEY RUSSIAN STYLE MUSIC
0:22:02 > 0:22:04PHONE RINGTONE
0:22:04 > 0:22:06HORN BEEPS Sorry, love.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19You could be buying some nuts
0:22:19 > 0:22:23or kissing your sister good morning,
0:22:23 > 0:22:27but you wake up to, "What has the townsfolk done to me?"
0:22:27 > 0:22:30They have run away with your sister,
0:22:30 > 0:22:34they can't sell her for much, she is withered -
0:22:34 > 0:22:37but they have glued you to the chair
0:22:37 > 0:22:41where you will stay for many, many, many years.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46And your hair will grow all long - down, to the pavement.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I will get your mothers to walk by,
0:22:49 > 0:22:53and your sister, and your grandfather
0:22:53 > 0:23:00and your small bird walking past and then walking back again -
0:23:00 > 0:23:02all day if the weather is nice - saying,
0:23:02 > 0:23:07"There's old moany hair underneath his woolly cave."
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I curse you.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28AMERICAN ACCENT: You're looking at me like I'm a regular Joe, huh?
0:23:28 > 0:23:35I ain't no regular Joe, huh. I'll tell you for why. Cos I'm a cop.
0:23:35 > 0:23:41Been a cop all my life. My dad was a cop. My brothers are all cops.
0:23:41 > 0:23:46I wake up in the morning, I'm a cop. I wash my face, I'm a cop.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I look in the mirror, I'm a cop.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52When you look in the mirror can you say, "I'm a cop"?
0:23:52 > 0:23:56No, you can't and I tell you for why - because you ain't a cop.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I'm a cop. You ain't a cop.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I was a cop. 35 years on the force.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04900 take downs.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07And 40 bad guys sucking dirt. Yeah. I was a cop.
0:24:07 > 0:24:12- So what happened?- Some scumbag in the IAU investigated me -
0:24:12 > 0:24:13found a DAE.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18Every cop's got a DAE. I got two DAEs and a PVI and I'm a cop.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Say that again?
0:24:20 > 0:24:25Every cop's got a DAE. I got two DAEs and a PVI and I'm a cop.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- O'MalleyMulliganHoolagey. - You wearing a wire?!
0:24:29 > 0:24:30You're under arrest.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35I can't believe you're wearing a wire. You're a cop. I'm a cop.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Once a cop, always a cop.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39No cop wears a wire on another cop.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41O'Pat EdderyFlanneryHoonigan?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Captain Alan MulleryMoolighan?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45You're under arrest
0:24:45 > 0:24:48for wearing a wire on another cop without a warrant from the DA.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I hate to do this, you're a good cop.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Goddamit, chief. I'm a cop.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- Same goes for you too. - What's happening?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I'm crying like a baby.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Me too - and I'm a cop.
0:25:00 > 0:25:07Rule 124, section 18d, subsection d5 - cops don't cry.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Snap out of it - you're a cop.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10I'm a cop.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- You're a cop!- I'm a cop.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Give me a Jack on the rocks.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16You're a cop!
0:25:16 > 0:25:21Derek Anderson. Your first question for £100.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Two plus two equals:
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Two plus two equals five?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39It's got a ring to it.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41But then again, so does 8.735.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Could be that.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51I don't think it's 186
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Don't know why.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Just...don't think it's that.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Could be four.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Could be four.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Or five...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Or 8.735.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Going to have to hurry you.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I'm going to go with four.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Final answer?
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Final answer.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Sure?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Yeah, I'm sure.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Final answer.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Derek Anderson, you've just won £100.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.