0:00:02 > 0:00:06- IN RICKY GERVAIS VOICE:- Hi. Harry Enfield, yeah? I've noticed quite a few actors have started to sound
0:00:06 > 0:00:09a bit like Ricky Gervais, in BBC Three, Channel Four sitcoms -
0:00:09 > 0:00:14mentioning no names. Phone Shop, Him and Her, yeah?
0:00:14 > 0:00:17At first I thought, "No, not for me."
0:00:17 > 0:00:22Then I thought, "Young people like them, can't beat 'em join 'em."
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Yeah?
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Off to see Paul Whitehouse, do some writing in his house.
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Mine's bigger. So is my house. Nob gag.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38IN RICKY GERVAIS VOICE: Ooh. Harry Enfield, yeah?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40When you bringing back Loadsamoney, yeah?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Ooh. Bit sexist.
0:00:44 > 0:00:50Ironic. Post-modern. Keep up, Stavros. Racist.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Greeks loved it.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Let's start writing comedy.
0:00:57 > 0:01:04I hate Spastics... Society as the former name of Scope.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Can't believe they ever called it that.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11Totally insulting to people with cerebral palsy.
0:01:11 > 0:01:17I hate Mongs...golia as a holiday destination, yeah?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Too hot. Prefer a more temperate climate, hmm?
0:01:22 > 0:01:26I hate the "juice" you get from vending machines.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31Always too sweet. Only like freshly squeezed juice, yeah?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34DOORBELL RINGS Yeah? Celebrity friend?
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Coming round to see US... yeah?
0:01:38 > 0:01:43- Go on, Jeeves. - I'll go, yeah?- Yeah.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47I'll just see celebrity A-list...
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Celebrity.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Come in, Nigel, mate. UKIP.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Nigel, UKIP. - How's it going?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Well, a lot better than this. I mean, what is going on here?
0:01:58 > 0:02:02This is frankly embarrassing. What have you sunk to, Enfield?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I mean, have some pride in your work.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Although, to be honest, you've done nothing decent since Loadsamoney.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Look at camera.- Have done. - And again.- Did.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14This programme contains some strong language.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17# Hurrah for Harry and Paul
0:02:17 > 0:02:21# Your comedy is challenging and bold
0:02:21 > 0:02:25# You're both incredibly handsome and tall
0:02:25 > 0:02:29# You're not even beginning to look old
0:02:29 > 0:02:33# We strive to increase production of flat-screen televisions
0:02:33 > 0:02:37# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions
0:02:37 > 0:02:41# We're pleased to let you bed our wives whenever your fancy beckons
0:02:41 > 0:02:43# We'll fight with all of our might
0:02:43 > 0:02:46# For your right to develop nuclear weapons
0:02:46 > 0:02:49# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. #
0:02:49 > 0:02:51And now from the 1930-40s,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Movie Originals presents The King's Speech.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- IN ODD ACCENT: You must be the Queen Mum. - Yes, but I'm in disguise.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I see. And this is His Majesty?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Yes, he's in disguise too. And he speaks in a funny way.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14I'm B-B-B-Bertie, the K-K-K-King.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15I'll take this case.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19P-P-P-people of G-G-G-Great B-B-B-Britain
0:03:19 > 0:03:24and the C-C-C-Colonies, in this g-g-g-grave hour,
0:03:24 > 0:03:29p-p-possibly the m-m-most f-f-fateful in our h-h-history...
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Yes. I can see the problem already.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34The reason you're sounding like a gibbering halfwit
0:03:34 > 0:03:38is you're repeating the first letter of words for no reason at all.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42It's not "P-P-P-People". It's "People".
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Don't say the P three times - simply say it once,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48then crack on with the rest of the word.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- People.- That's it.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Of G-G-G-Great B-B-B-Britain.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57No! You're doing it again! Yet more gibberish.
0:03:57 > 0:04:03Remember, your three-times business is a silly business. Cut it out.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07People of Great Britain and the Colonies,
0:04:07 > 0:04:11in this grave hour, perhaps the most fateful in our history...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Cured!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Hello, darling. I'm cured.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22I must have sounded like a demented buffoon with my idiotic three-times business.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Why on Earth did nobody tell me before?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26We're all too British and polite, darling.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Whereas I'm an Australian cobber billabong. I've no manners,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33so I was able to blurt out the problem in an uncouth way.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38- Here's a little something for your trouble. - Why, thank you very much.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42C-C-C-Cor b-b-b-blimey! K-k-kangaroo.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Blimey, now you've got me at it! THEY LAUGH
0:04:50 > 0:04:54- I'm Bob Doofus. - And I'm Bob Sakey.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Say, Bob! You gone crazy? - Darn right, Bob!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59You been killing whores for Jesus?
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Even crazier, Bob!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02It's this month's deal I've cooked up.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07We got 99 cars for just 99-hundred 99-dollars, 99 cents, 90.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10With one final, peace of mind guarantee payment
0:05:10 > 0:05:13of 99-hundred and 99-dollars and 99.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16We're so sure about the quality of our cars
0:05:16 > 0:05:20that at the end of 99 days, we'll buy back any car for 9.99
0:05:20 > 0:05:24with one final payment twice of 99.90.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Bob, that really is as crazy as killing whores for Jesus.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Let's shake on it... D'oh!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Do you know who I mean by Stephen Fry?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Yes. Yes of course I do. He's my godson.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- Is he?- Yes.- Is he a queer?
0:05:47 > 0:05:52- Of course he's not a queer, he's my godson. - Well, he looks like a queer.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- No, he doesn't. He's my godson. - And he sounds like a queer. - He doesn't. He's my godson.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Well, I think he looks like a queer and he sounds like a queer on television.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04I was just wondering if he probably was a queer. He looks and sounds like a queer - he probably is a queer.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Certainly not. He's my godson. Have you finished with my newspaper?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16My lips are sealed.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27And anyway, I saw you clamberin' onto the bus this mornin'!
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Crikey, you ain't been holdin' back since they stopped sweet rationin', 'ave you?
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Well, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway - there's nothin' wrong with the way I look. Fuller figured I am.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37My Billy says he likes it.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Says there's more to get 'old of. Not that I let 'im.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43I'm saving myself, see? Unlike some I could mention.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Well, anyway, anyway, anyway - where you goin' for your summer 'olidays?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Off again 'op pickin', I suppose?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Slavin' away like coolies in the field. What kind of holiday's that?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56We're goin' to Butlins in Bognor Regis.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59That's right. Bingo every night, a nobly knees competition
0:06:59 > 0:07:02and Shane Fenton and the Fentones is in residency.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05We shall have a smashin' time. Don't work too 'ard, will you?
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Well, we was goin' to go to Shanklin on the Isle of Wight in the summer, as a matter of fact.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12But we might have to put it off for a bit cos me uncle's got something called lung cancer.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17I doubt it'll last long, though. He's got the constitution of a ox.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Do I look like a douchebag?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22No, Anthony - and you're not one.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24You're damn right about that, Bob.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29Because Anthony here's not only taking advantage of our latest offer
0:07:29 > 0:07:32on a beautiful new automobile, Anthony's also buying...
0:07:32 > 0:07:37Piece of mind - a warranty that covers any part from 99 cents
0:07:37 > 0:07:41to 9 dollars, 99, for just 9-hundred 99 down
0:07:41 > 0:07:47plus nine satisfaction payments of 9.99 per week for 99 weeks.
0:07:47 > 0:07:52Anthony's also purchasing windshield insurance for 999 down
0:07:52 > 0:07:55and 999 payments of 99.99
0:07:55 > 0:07:59with a final fulfilment payment of just 99.90.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Do I look like a douchebag?
0:08:02 > 0:08:07MUSIC: "I've Got To Get Away" by John Holt and the Paragons
0:08:13 > 0:08:14- Marcus!- Emmamimma.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- How are you? - Yeah, really good, thanks.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Mwah! How are you?- Amazing. Mwah!
0:08:23 > 0:08:24You've opened a bakery.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Oh, don't be stupid. It's an artisan bakery.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- Oh, sorry. What's the difference between an artisan bakery and a normal bakery?- £5 a loaf.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Oh. Well, it looks wonderful. And I love the typewriter.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40- It's so Mad Men.- That's to make people like you think this is a great place to come and have ideas
0:08:40 > 0:08:42for that screenplay you're never going to write.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Oh, I have got an idea for a screenplay I want to write.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- Is it loosely based on you and your dull friends?- Yeah.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Oh, isn't £10 rather a lot for a chocolate tart?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh, I'm so sorry. That's a mistake.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Ooh! Chocolat tarte! Oh, how sophisticatedly yummy.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Yes, I'd love one of those please.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Would you like coffee?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Double espresso, please.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10OK, that'll be £4.50. Any sugar?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- Uh, no thank you.- £5.50.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Well, it contains no added sugar.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22Go and take a seat. I'll bring it over in some mismatched crockery I got from the Mind shop.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24De-lish!
0:09:27 > 0:09:32Listen, Emmamimma. I wonder if you'd like to come on my cupcake decorating course?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36It's two days. I teach you how to stick a pink star on a bun.
0:09:36 > 0:09:42- Oh.- It's £400, and you go away feeling you've finally achieved something in your little life.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Oh, my parents will be so pleased.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Oh, dear. That is not a pleasant pint. No, no, no.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- Do you have no Scottish beer at all? - No, Dougal.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Scottish beer's much better than English beer, I find.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Oh, yes. Everything's better in Scotland, yes.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- Look, if you don't like the beer, have something else.- I might do that, yes. Do you have wine?
0:10:05 > 0:10:10Well, I've got an Australian Chardonnay, got a French Sancerre...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Do you have any Scottish wine?- No.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Because Scottish wine is much better that English wine, I find.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Well, I don't have either, Dougal.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Well, I shall have to have my English beer then,
0:10:20 > 0:10:24even though it's not a pleasant pint, compared to a Scottish pint.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25What is this racket?
0:10:25 > 0:10:29- Oh, you must know this, Dougal - it's Coldplay.- I most certainly do not know it, no.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32And I don't particularly care for it. Do you have anything by The Proclaimers?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- No, we don't. - How about Big Country?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- No, afraid not. - Sheena Easton?- No.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Because English music all sounds exactly the same to me, like a fearful din.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Whereas Scottish music is invariably pleasant to the ears.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Do you have no Bay City Rollers?
0:10:47 > 0:10:52Oh, come on, Dougal. You cannot believe that The Bay City Rollers are better than all English music.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53I mean, what about the Beatles?
0:10:53 > 0:10:57The Beatles only composed one decent song in their entire history,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Mull of Kintyre.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Mull of Kintyre was by Wings.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Hmm... Nice computer.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06An Apple Macintosh, unless I'm mistaken.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Named after the fruit and the Scotsman. Oh, yes.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Scottish names are much better for naming computers after than English names, aye.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Oh, yes. Everything's better in Scotland, aye.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- PHONE RINGS - Oh, yes.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Hello, Mother. You've a Dell coming?
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Oh, that's a fine computer, but not a patch on...
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Oh, Adele, the singer. No, I've not heard of her. Is she Scottish?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32And she's coming to Edinburgh?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35And you're excited by that?
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Dinnae worry about him, pal. We're no' all like that.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I take a sideways look at life.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Aren't coats fantastic?
0:11:44 > 0:11:49With two great tubes for your arms and your wee handies free at the end
0:11:49 > 0:11:52to dae things like drink beer or wank.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56# Parking Pataweyo, Parking Pataweyo
0:11:56 > 0:12:01# Parking Pataweyo and his black and white cataweyo
0:12:01 > 0:12:05# Forget to feed the meter?
0:12:05 > 0:12:06# Pataweyo's eager
0:12:06 > 0:12:12# To pop a ticket on your car and get you towed awayo. #
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Hello, Parking Pataweyo. You're looking very pleased with yourself.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, goodness.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Delivery Delroy's delivering some heavy supplies. And because there are no bays nearby,
0:12:23 > 0:12:28he's been forced to park with his back wheels very slightly over the yellow line.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Tut-tut. Can you see?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Are you going to oil the wheels of commerce
0:12:36 > 0:12:39by allowing Delivery Delroy to get on with his job, Parking Pataweyo?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Or are you going to throw a giant bureaucratic spanner into the works,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45in the form of a parking ticket?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51He's like a lamb to the slaughter, isn't he?
0:12:52 > 0:12:57"Oh! Honestly, Parking Pataweyo! What do you want me to do?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01"Park half a mile away an' den walk with each crate?"
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Isn't ticketing fun, when you know logic is on Delivery Delroy's side,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07but the law is on yours?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11"Coconut," mumbles Delivery Delroy.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14But introducing a racial element is nothing new to Parking Patweyo.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18He's had far worse than that.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21"Dis is the fourth ticket you've given me this week, Parking Pataweyo.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25"Me can't afford to run dis business if you keep doin' this."
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Are you going to give him another ticket tomorrow?
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Are you going to drive Delivery Delroy out of business?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38"Then perhaps he can get a proper job," says Parking Pataweyo.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42"Like being a parking enforcer!"
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Everyone loves Parking Pataweyo.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Hello, darling.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- Darling, I've been so worried about you.- Oh, why on Earth?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Because you didn't come home last night.- Oh yes.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02- And you're in prison.- Oh yes.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06And you only went out to post a letter.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Damn!
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Oh, I'm afraid I've been a bit of a chump.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I was literally in the act of posting that letter
0:14:14 > 0:14:16when I bumped into Gerry. You remember Gerry, don't you?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Yes of course I do, darling. Gelignite Gerry.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23EXPLOSION GERRY LAUGHS
0:14:23 > 0:14:24That's the fellow.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28On Saturday, he met a 21-year-old heiress worth a fortune,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30and she's perfectly prepared to marry him.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33How wonderful! He'll never have to try and hold down a job again.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34His thoughts exactly.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36So we thought it might be fun to go to Cliveden
0:14:36 > 0:14:38and celebrate at the poolside bar.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Don't ask me how, but after a couple of cases of Veuve Cliquot,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45we got on to the subject about mixing water and electricity -
0:14:45 > 0:14:47a dicey business in my view,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50but Gerry said they go together like whisky and ginger.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55- So, in the end, we agreed to settle the matter with a wager. - Oh, darling. What fun!
0:15:01 > 0:15:02SCREAMING
0:15:02 > 0:15:06All those poor swimmers. Whilst I was happy to be proved right on the science,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I felt rather uncomfortable seeing them all writhing around in agony.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Gerry thought it would be kind to finish them off.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Well, that's Gerry for you, isn't it, darling? Kindness is his middle name.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21I feel beastly, though. All those swimmers snuffed out in the prime of their lives.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Well, darling, you can hardly be held responsible under the circumstances.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26You were just drunk.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31Now, come here you loveable, brainy-about-electricity, silly old drunken thing.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- How I love you.- Oh!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37All right, you two young lovebirds.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Off home with you now.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Goodnight, officer. - Goodnight, sir.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Wait a moment, sir. You forgot...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I'll post it for you.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Oh! Sorry, love.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21One day very soon
0:16:21 > 0:16:25the fine prince will send small messages
0:16:25 > 0:16:29to the elders of the car mending shop.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Get me a jolly machine
0:16:33 > 0:16:37to clasp this man together like a rubbery ball.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43"What an extraordinary sight I am seeing from the window,"
0:16:43 > 0:16:45the newspaper says.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50He has been bouncing for days, bouncing off the buildings
0:16:50 > 0:16:54and making the traffic cry!
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Not that I see. I turn away.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I don't want to see you no more.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06You're just a ball. A ball that's bouncing off the buildings.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I curse you.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24HE CHUCKLES
0:17:24 > 0:17:25HE LAUGHS
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Phwoar!
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Oi! Sherlock! Where are you? HE LAUGHS
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I'm in me mind palace! Ha ha ha!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Phwoar! I'd give it 15.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43HE LAUGHS
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Cor blimey, Holmes. What did you have a last night, a curry?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48HE CHUCKLES
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Well done, Watson. You're getting a nose for this kind of business.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- THEY LAUGH - Sherlock!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Hold up! Here comes Una, my landlady.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Come to do the cleaning! - Una, this is Watson.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04HE LAUGHS
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Phwoar! Look at you! You're a bit of all right.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Phwoar! Hey hey!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Hello, gorgeous. I came to clean up,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17but I feel like getting dirty with you.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18HE LAUGHS
0:18:18 > 0:18:23If you fancy a bit of how's-yer-father, a bit of rumpy-pumpy, I'll be downstairs.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Phwoar... Oh!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Cor blimey! She's a bit of all right.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32HE LAUGHS
0:18:32 > 0:18:35And she don't half fancy you! Ha ha!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37How'd you work that out?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40From upon the moment when I introduced you, I noticed her say...
0:18:40 > 0:18:45Phwoar! You're a bit of all right, aren't you?
0:18:45 > 0:18:50Ha ha! I deducted it was of a hanky-panky nature when she said...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I feel like getting dirty with you.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56My suspicions were further aroused
0:18:56 > 0:18:59by the physical signs what she gave off....
0:19:01 > 0:19:04My theory was proved beyond doubt when she prattled...
0:19:04 > 0:19:06If you fancy a bit of
0:19:06 > 0:19:07how's-yer-father,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I'll be downstairs.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12HE LAUGHS
0:19:12 > 0:19:16How the devil and the duce did you deduce that, Holmes?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Oh, hold up. Here comes trouble!
0:19:19 > 0:19:24Oh, my gawd! It's Moriarty-farty, the despicable old pooftah.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26SLOW SLAPSTICK MUSIC
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Hello, duckies!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I hate you, Sherlock.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- Quick, Sherlock. Think of something! - Oh-ho-ho!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- Gah! - THEY LAUGH
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Oh, my giddy aunt!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41THEY LAUGH
0:19:41 > 0:19:45My Alfie reckons Shane Fenton's a pansy, or a nancy boy -
0:19:45 > 0:19:46I can't remember which.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49If Shane Fenton's a pansy, then so's Dirk Bogarde.
0:19:49 > 0:19:54I tell you who's the pansy - Adam Faith, he's the pansy. You only have to look at his trousers.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Dirk Bogarde's as much of a pansy as Rock 'Udson!
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Anyway, and anyway - I felt sick today watchin' you eat that Bovril sandwich.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Chompin' away with those big Hampstead Heaths like there's no tomorrow.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06How you going to fit in that bathing suit of yours?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10I hope no-one mistakes you for the fat one out of Laurel and 'Ardy. Ha-ha!
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Well, anyway, anyway - you're just jealous cos all you ever get to eat is corned beef and spam.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18And anyway - I didn't tell you, did I? My Billy took me to an Italian restaurant last night.
0:20:18 > 0:20:23That's right. It was called Il Bisto. An' we had something called spaghetti on the naze.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26And red wine, and ice cream, and an After Eight.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28And Luigi, the waiter - ever so handsome he was -
0:20:28 > 0:20:32he told me I was beautiful, and winked at me when Billy was arguin' with the manager about the cost.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34You're off your chump, eatin' all that foreign muck.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38You'll be on the lavvy for days and you'll start sprouting hair in funny places.
0:20:38 > 0:20:44- 'Fore you know it, you'll start lookin' like a fuzzy-wuzzy. See you in church on Sunday. Ta-ra!- Ta-ra!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51You know how it is these days? You gotta be nice to retards?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Buy 'em a cookie and ruffle their hair?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Well, here at Bob & Bob's Cars, we still lock 'em up!
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Why'd I lock you up, Bob?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Cos I came up with this month's deal, Bob.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02It's so simple, I gots to be a retard.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04For only 99 dollars down
0:21:04 > 0:21:06and 99 payments of 9.99
0:21:06 > 0:21:09totalling 990.99-hundred,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12or for one payment of only 99,999,
0:21:12 > 0:21:16this beautiful automobile can be yours.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Want it even simpler? Tell 'em, Bob!
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Well, Bob, on this automobile you pay 990 down
0:21:25 > 0:21:28and just 99.99 a month for nine months,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31followed by nine months of 9.90
0:21:31 > 0:21:33and then nine weeks of 99
0:21:33 > 0:21:35and a final payment of 99.99.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Bob, that deal's so simple, you gotta be a retard.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- You like it, Bob?- I love it. - Well, come on in!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50'Next came Ken and Brian from Brian Farnet
0:21:50 > 0:21:55'with their solution to the global financial crisis.'
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Dragons, may I please be delighted to present to you
0:21:59 > 0:22:03a brand new currency which hopefully - with your help - will hopefully replace
0:22:03 > 0:22:07the euro, dollar, peso, pound,
0:22:07 > 0:22:11rouble, yen, rembini...
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Get on with it! - ..and Vietnamese dong.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Dragons, we present the worldo.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21'There's a problem. Ken's dropped the worldo.'
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Um...
0:22:22 > 0:22:25This isn't an actual worldo - it's a mock-up
0:22:25 > 0:22:28of what the real one might look like
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- if Ken can find it on the floor. - Found it!
0:22:32 > 0:22:35As you can see, the worldo
0:22:35 > 0:22:40is not only better than the euro, it's also bigger.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43'The old Dragons look unimpressed,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46'but what will the dead Dragon make of the worldo?'
0:22:46 > 0:22:47DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:22:47 > 0:22:49THUNDER CRACKS
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Enough! I've made millions out of road haulage!
0:22:53 > 0:22:57You insignificant fools!
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Things got a bit heated in there, didn't they?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Do you think you'll bounce back?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Oh, darling. You poor, poor thing. How perfectly horrid.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Oh, darling. I've been a bit of a twerp again.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27There I was in Savile Row, when who should I bump into, but Gregory.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29You remember Gregory, don't you?
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Gunpowder Gregory?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32That's the fellow.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35We polished off a few bottles of rather indifferent plonk,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38when Gregory suddenly noticed the date.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40And the view from the window.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45Oh, darling. It seemed foolish to turn up such an opportunity.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49THEY LAUGH
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Oh, darling. You are a silly sausage!
0:23:53 > 0:23:57All those dead MPs. I suppose there'll have to be a general election.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59What a bore for the people - they must think I'm a heel.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Not at all, darling. Everyone's being very sweet about it.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04You were just drunk.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09Well, you're a darling to come and get me. I'm sorry if I was a little offhand on the phone last night.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13You trollope, you hussy, you whore, you slut, you jezebel!
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Don't be silly, darling. Who am I to criticise?
0:24:16 > 0:24:17You know what I can be like.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19You're all frigid!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Woo!
0:24:21 > 0:24:25You'll never know what it's like to have a cock!
0:24:25 > 0:24:26- BOTH:- How I adore you.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31All right, you two young lovebirds. Off home with you now
0:24:31 > 0:24:34and remember, sir, no more of your playful silliness.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39But, on a personal note, can I say I think you've done the country a great service?
0:24:39 > 0:24:43And I for one hope a charismatic figure from the far right
0:24:43 > 0:24:45emerges to fill the vacuum.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- Goodnight, officer. - Goodnight, sir.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56Now, Charles, wasn't that pathology forum dreadfully dull?
0:24:56 > 0:25:00I spent the entire meeting re-clueing yesterday's Times crossword grid in my head.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03"Make a mess of tidying station" - seven letters.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- Dignity. - Very good, Charles. Very good indeed.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11- Now, tell me, did you download the XBox Mass Effect 3 demo I told you about?- I have.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- What's the verdict? - Well, it's not up there with Call of Duty 3, but quite honestly,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18anything's a blessing after the constant grind of Elder Scrolls 4.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23The very idea of not incorporating online multiplayer death match mode in a premium release RPG
0:25:23 > 0:25:26is at best deeply short-sighted and at worst a catastrophe.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- Yes. I gave up, I'm afraid. - Fair do's, Charles, fair do's.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33They don't do do's like they used to do do's, do they?
0:25:33 > 0:25:34THEY LAUGH
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Well, if I can get away from the Board of Trustees Extraordinary General Meeting tonight
0:25:39 > 0:25:41at anything like a civilised hour,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I shall hurry back to my crib and see you online. Boo-tchauw!
0:25:44 > 0:25:45You're a rotter, Sheridan.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Ha! Gotcha!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50HE LAUGHS
0:25:50 > 0:25:54# Hurrah for Harry and Paul
0:25:54 > 0:25:58# Your comedy is challenging and bold
0:25:58 > 0:26:02# You're both incredibly handsome and tall
0:26:02 > 0:26:06# You're not even beginning to look old
0:26:06 > 0:26:10# We strive to increase production of flat-screen televisions
0:26:10 > 0:26:14# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. #