0:00:02 > 0:00:05TRUMPET FANFARE # Hurrah for Harry and Paul
0:00:05 > 0:00:09# Your comedy is challenging and bold
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# You're both incredibly handsome and tall
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# You're not even beginning to look old
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We strive to increase production of flat-screen televisions
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions
0:00:25 > 0:00:29# We're pleased to let you bed our wives whenever your fancy beckons
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# We'll fight with all of our might
0:00:31 > 0:00:33# For your right to develop nuclear weapons
0:00:33 > 0:00:36# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. #
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Good morning, sir.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Hello, I'd like to buy a television.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Is this a television?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Yes. She's a beauty, isn't she?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Is it like going to the cinema, but at home?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Not really, sir. The cinema is full of Drama and Romance,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56whereas the television produces a diet of drivel
0:00:56 > 0:00:58and cookery programmes.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Is it possible to sample some drivel and cookery programmes?
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Certainly, sir.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07I'll turn the television on to receive the one channel using this knob here.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Goodness me how complicated - I shall never get my head around that.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Oh, don't worry, sir, your children will soon get the hang of it.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Here comes the drivel now.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20'The Apprentice!'
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Are you my eldest son?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Yes, Lord Sir Alan, Father.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26You are hired as my apprentice.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29And in a year you shall have the company.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Thank you.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Are you my daughter?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I'm afraid so, Lord Sir Alan Sugar Daddy.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- You're fired. - Of course. I quite understand.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Go home and do some knitting.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Humphreygella Bites
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Boil the cabbage for two hours. Boil the carrots for two hours.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Boil the potatoes for two hours.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Now it's time to prepare your meat.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Boil the meat for two hours. - TIMER PINGS
0:01:56 > 0:01:58There. Perfect for your husband and his friends.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05What splendid drivel and cookery programmes. I'll buy it!
0:02:05 > 0:02:10Congratulations, sir. Your life will be immeasurably improved.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Now tell me, how are you feeling?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I am somewhat afeared, your honour.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Yes, of course. There's no reason to feel afeared.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Sheridan here holds the record time for chopping legs off.
0:02:25 > 0:02:2718 and a half seconds!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30You won't feel a thing, pain aside.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Nurse - more gin, please.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37And for me, please.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Thank you.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Now!
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Pay attention students of anatomy my hands are rather cold,
0:02:45 > 0:02:49I do apologise Trois, deux, un.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Argh!
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Now Charles, are you playing golf with the Duke of Wellington tomorrow?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- Oh yes.- Owwwww!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01And is he a member of the St Andrew's Society of Golfers as well?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03No, he's coming as my guest.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Argh!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06You must ask him to pop round here sometime
0:03:06 > 0:03:09because I've just taken delivery of a wonderful new hammer and chisel
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- and I might be able to do something about that nobble on his nose. - Owwwww!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Well, you could ask him yourself if you'd care to join us.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16I can't, I'm afraid.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20I'm popping down to Bristol with my godson on an anti-slavery march.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Oh, that does sound fun!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25There. Got the blighter!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Arrrrrrgh!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Enjoy that, Fido.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Right, all I've got to do now is file down some of these gristly
0:03:33 > 0:03:36nibbly nobbly bits and you'll be right as rain.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Owwwww!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Now, Charles, did you see in the London Times that this fellow
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Stephenson has invented a steam horse?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Yes, whatever will they think of next?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Anaesthetic!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Ha, ha! Oh! Very good indeed.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54All that remains is for me to cauterise your stump...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Pop that back in, shall we?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58..with this lovely poker.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Argh! Argh!
0:04:01 > 0:04:06- That's me pretty well done. He's all yours.- Right. Thank you. Would you care for a haircut?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08We are the Society of Barbers AND Surgeons.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Argh!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I'll take that as a yes, shall I?
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Any questions?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Yes. How do you perform a short back and sides?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Watch and learn, young man.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- Ow! - I'm so sorry, did I pull your hair?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26The Arsenal done well last week didn't they, sir?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30They produced a remarkable number of muskets for the war against France.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32He-hoo-ha!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Anything for the weekend, sir?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38And next, our third contender, please.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41And your name is?
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Ken Barnet from Brian Farnet.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- Your occupation?- Inventor.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49And your chosen subject?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50The works of JK Rowling.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53You have two minutes starting now! The second in the series of
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Harry Potter books is called Harry Potter And The Chamber Of what?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Harry Potter And The Chamber Of...
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Pass.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04At the beginning of Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Professor McGonnegal is to be found outside the Dursley's house
0:05:07 > 0:05:09disguised in the form of what animal?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Pass.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14What is the name of the sport played at Hogwarts involving
0:05:14 > 0:05:17riding on broomsticks in an attempt to strike a golden snitch?
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Pass.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20The Hogwarts Express leaves
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Kings Cross Station from Platform number what?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Pass.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Harry Potter has a ginger-haired friend with the surname Weazley,
0:05:28 > 0:05:29what is his first name?
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- Pass.- What is the first name of Professor Dumbledore?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- Albert.- No Albus - in Harry Potter and the...
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- BEEP - I've started so I'll finish.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41In Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, Harry, Ron,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44and Hermione flee into London and to 12 Grimauld Place, where they
0:05:44 > 0:05:47learn from Kreacher the whereabouts of Salazar Slytherin's locket.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50They successfully recover this Horcrux by infiltrating
0:05:50 > 0:05:52the Ministry of Magic and stealing it from Dolores Umbridge.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Under the object's evil influence and the stress of being on the run,
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Ron leaves the others.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Harry and Hermione travel to Godric's Hollow,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Harry's birthplace and the place where his parents died.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04What is the name of the elderly magical historian they meet there?
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Pass.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09And at the end of that round, Ken Barnet, you have 24 passes
0:06:09 > 0:06:10and no points.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20And next our final contender, please.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22APPLAUSE
0:06:26 > 0:06:27And your name is?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Brian Farnet from Frian Barnet.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Your occupation?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Entrepreneur.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34And your chosen subject?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Pass.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Well, I think you've got a very good point there, Padraig.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Now, fill me in on your family. Your daughter by your current wife?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Siobhan, she's a very hard-working little thing not as bright as the others...
0:06:52 > 0:06:57Cheltenham Ladies College and she's been accepted at Magdalen College, Oxford.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Magdalen College, Oxford? How wonderful.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02And your daughter by your last marriage?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Very well...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- Harpers and Queen... - HE GIBBERS
0:07:06 > 0:07:09And she's the new Face of L'Oreal, because she's worth it.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Goodness me, L'Oreal. She certainly is worth it, yes.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14And your daughters from your first marriage?
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- Oh, well... - HE CONTINUES TO GIBBER
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Senior Prosecutor at The Hague. The other one, Mary, she's a very...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24The Taoiseach of the Dail.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26The next Taoiseach of the Dail.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30They're a high achieving lot, your O'Herlighy girls, aren't they?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- HE GIBBERS - How are your girls?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Very well. Annabel's just had her third child with her husband, Hamish,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38who runs something called funkywalrus.com.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Don't ask me what it is, selling brightly-coloured
0:07:40 > 0:07:43bedspreads on the world wide web, or something.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45And Lucy's just married her rugby player,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48and Tara's just got engaged to a funny little fat fellow from
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Knight Frank Battersea nothing goes in, but he's very good value.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Well, the way I look at it is, they're very, very, lucky...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Very lucky, yes, yes. Now do you fancy a wank?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Ah, well, I was talking to... One off the wrist.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Well, a wank was the tip on Radio 4 this morning but...
0:08:04 > 0:08:07HE GIBBERS INCOMPREHENSIBLY
0:08:07 > 0:08:10John Humphrys is an uppity little fellow.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Pompous little git.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46We're closed.
0:08:46 > 0:08:52Soon the Duke of this large town will say, "Build me a bell tower!"
0:08:52 > 0:08:57so the people can hear well when it is time for the shops to close!
0:08:57 > 0:09:03And he will say to you, "You are the pale man with the oily skin.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07"Bring me a big bronze bell for the tower."
0:09:07 > 0:09:12So you will bring the bell, but there's been a silly mistake.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Your bell is too soft.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18"He has brought us soft bells Too soft,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20"we can't hear them."
0:09:20 > 0:09:24The Duke is depressed. He says, "This man
0:09:24 > 0:09:29"brought us the soft bells, take a picture of this man and print it
0:09:29 > 0:09:36"in the newspaper, you stupid man with no idea of bells, I curse you!"
0:09:56 > 0:10:01And anyway, Maude Hopkins 'as got a coloured family moved in next door to her!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03She says they're all right if you talk to 'em one to one, but
0:10:03 > 0:10:06they're very noisy and their cookin' smells funny and she don't like 'em.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Well, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway 'Arry Belafonte an'
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Sammy Davis Junior, they're coloured an' they sing beautiful so they can't all be bad, can they?
0:10:13 > 0:10:17And anyway, I ain't sayin' nothin' 'bout the coloureds, I ain't colour prejudiced.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Are you going down the Tottenham Royal Saturday?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I'm walking out with Terry Buckle. He does boxing.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Terry Buckle. Well, I heard he started a fight with a chap what had a wooden
0:10:26 > 0:10:29leg at his Christmas do. You want to watch him.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Yeah, that was self defence. That bloke swung at Terry with his wooden leg.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34And anyway, anyway, on that television advertisement
0:10:34 > 0:10:36they say you're never alone wiv a Strand?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Well, that's a lie, isn't it?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Betsy Drummond who works in the Odeon opposite the Locarno
0:10:40 > 0:10:44said she saw you waiting for that Terry Buckle for an hour and he never showed up.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47And you smoked twenty fags in a row and then ran 'orf crying.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50How tragic! She said yer pink cardy looked nice.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Well, anyway, I actually 'ad somethin' in me
0:10:52 > 0:10:55eye as a matter of fact.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57And anyway, your brother was taunting
0:10:57 > 0:10:59old Mrs Sallow as she come out the chiropodists.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Threw a conker at her he did.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Then he put a banger through 'er letterbox.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04He's tuppence short of ten bob, he is.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Gave 'im a piece of my mind, I did.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10He looked at me like this, he did. Gormless he is.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I like that new green cardy. Shame it don't fit you properly.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Well, anyway, anyway, ain't my brother's fault he's two bob short of a pound -
0:11:16 > 0:11:18he got hit by a doodlebug when he was a babby.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21And anyway, you used to show 'im your knickers at the old
0:11:21 > 0:11:23pillar box on the common, so there.
0:11:27 > 0:11:32And at the end of your general knowledge round, Ken Barnet, you have 19 passes and no points.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35The name of the Cornish church in which former
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Poet Laureate John Betjeman is buried is...
0:11:38 > 0:11:39BOTH: St Enedoc.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41The US state that has a capital called Pierre is...
0:11:41 > 0:11:43BOTH: South Dakota.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46The name of the device capable of storing electricity, consisting
0:11:46 > 0:11:49of conducting plates separated by a layer of insulating material is...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51BOTH: A capacitor.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54People suffering from trichotillomania have an impulse to...
0:11:54 > 0:11:55BOTH: Pull out their own hair.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58The chemical compound H2O is more commonly known as...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00BOTH: Water.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02The red, amber and green lights found at road junctions
0:12:02 > 0:12:05and used to control the flow of vehicles are known as...
0:12:05 > 0:12:07BOTH: Traffic lights.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10The red double-decker mode of public transport is know as...
0:12:10 > 0:12:11BOTH: A bus.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14And finally, the number that comes after six and before eight is of course...
0:12:14 > 0:12:16BOTH: Seven.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18You may return to your seat.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Have you heard of Angela Merkel?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Yes. - Is he a quare?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Well, he looks like a quare, doesn't he?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Oh, he looks like a quare.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45And he sounds like a quare on the wireless.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Oh, he sounds like a quare.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50If he looks like a quare and sounds like a quare, I should think he's a quare.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Yes, if he looks like a quare and sounds like a quare, he's probably a quare.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Probably a quare.- Probably a quare. - Probably a quare.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59If it's possible to sound like a quare on the wireless,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01when one's speaking German.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Oh, that's a very good point. Bunny?!
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Hmm?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08You're a quare, aren't you, Bunny?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Well, I'm on Grindr.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- Does that mean you're a quare, Bunny?- Oh, yes.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Bunny is a quare, so he might know.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23Bunny, is it possible to sound like a frightful quare on the wireless?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Oh, yes. - Let me finish PLEASE, Bunny!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I'm sorry.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32Is it possible to sound like a frightful quare on the wireless?
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Oh, yes.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36THERE YOU GO AGAIN. PLEASE, YOU WON'T LET ME FINISH!
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I can't get anywhere with Bunny today. Stupid old quare.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Bunny kept butting in cos he's a stupid old quare.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44He's a stupid old quare. Stupid old quare! You stupid old quare!
0:13:44 > 0:13:48We'll just have to leave Bunny out of this one, the stupid old quare.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Merkel's married of course.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- Is she very pretty, his wife? - Certainly not, she's a man.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- He looks like a frightful quare. - He does look like a quare.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05So this Angela Merkel fellow - he wears a dress like a quare,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08he sounds like a quare on the wireless like a quare,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10and he's married to a quare like a quare.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I should think he's probably a quare.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17Probably a German quare.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Probably a German quare.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Now, from the 1940/'50s
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Movie Originals presents... The Hangover.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33What the...?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39How the...?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41We almost polished off a whole bottle of wine.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Just the three of us.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Good morning. I'm Mr Boot the chemist.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Here are the photographs I've developed from the negatives
0:14:55 > 0:14:58you gave me rather late last night when you were slightly squiffy.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00But I don't remember
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- ECHOING:- Slightly squiffy...
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- I don't remember. ECHOING:- Slightly squiffy.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Oh, no!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I appear to be in the process of knocking over a vase!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11And look, there's a chip on the lip.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15And I've fallen over in a puddle. My knee's all muddy.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17And I'm saying hello to a Chinaman.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Marigold loves vases -
0:15:18 > 0:15:21if she learns I've chipped one she'll never marry me.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Marigold detests Chinamen.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25If she finds out I've said hello to one,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27she'll never let me be best man.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30And my knee's far too muddy to go to a wedding.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34And the wedding is in one hour's time!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37CLOCK CHIMES
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Just enough time for me to dry and wipe my trousers.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44And me to mend this vase with Araldite.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47And me to destroy the evidence that I ever said hello to a Chinaman.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Phew!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54And now Marigold will never know anything happened at all.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57And we've still ten minutes to get to the church.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Come on.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00THEY ALL CHUCKLE
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Oh, who's that?
0:16:04 > 0:16:05A dead Chinaman.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Take a look at the lines on this face.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34They say "Don't mess with this face cos this is the face of a cop
0:16:34 > 0:16:37"and this face is attached to the head of a cop,
0:16:37 > 0:16:41"a head made of i-ron, the i-ron they make cops out of from".
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Give me a Jack and ice.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48You a cop?
0:16:48 > 0:16:49What do I look like? A nun?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Sure, I'm a cop. You a cop?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54What do I look like? A nurse? Sure, I'm a cop.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57The moment you walked in here I thought, "He's a cop.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01"He walks like a cop, he sits like a cop, he drinks like a cop.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03"He's a cop."
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I knew you was a cop - you talk like a cop,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08you look like a cop, you drink like a cop.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10It ain't easy being a cop.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12We ain't cops cos it's easy.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14If we wanted it easy we wouldn't be cops.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15DOOR SLAMMING
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Hey! Did your leg catch a bullet?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Gimme a Jack and ice
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Are you a cop?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Do I look like a cop? I'm a surgeon.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26And no I did not catch a bullet, I have an arterial embolism,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29which caused some of my leg tissue to wither and die.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Where have you idiots been these last eight years?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Also, confusingly, I'm an Old Etonian -
0:17:34 > 0:17:36jolly hockey sticks, you have Cancer.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37What did he say?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I think he said he wants to be a cop.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50# And his black and white cat-aweyo
0:17:50 > 0:17:53# Forget to feed the meter
0:17:53 > 0:17:55# Pataweyo's eager
0:17:55 > 0:18:01# To pop a ticket on your car and get you towed away-o. #
0:18:03 > 0:18:06It's a lovely morning, isn't it? Look at this nice car.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09It's legally parked, but only until 8.30.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12It must be nearly 8.30 now.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16I wonder if there are any parking wardens around?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Yes! There are four!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Good morning, Parking Pataweyo!
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Good morning, Lovely Rita-vitch, Meter-vitch Maid.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Top o'the morning to you, Parking Pat-Eddery.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Good morning, Parking Patel.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Look at you all circling the car like vultures.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38What time is it now?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Oh, only 8.29?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Let's hope the owner doesn't turn up.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Oh, no!
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Here he comes now - he's JUST in time to move his car.
0:18:48 > 0:18:53"It's only 8.29 and you can't give me a ticket."
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Look at sneaky old Parking Pataweyo.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58And your friends are keeping Salesman Steve distracted
0:18:58 > 0:19:00by pretending to punch out tickets
0:19:00 > 0:19:03while refusing to acknowledge anything he says.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"You're not acknowledging anything I say!"
0:19:08 > 0:19:108.30 precisely.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16"Oh, dear, it's 8.30
0:19:16 > 0:19:19"and I've incurred a well-deserved penalty notice."
0:19:22 > 0:19:25What a wonderful start to the day.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Everybody loves Parking Pataweyo and his friends.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33SCOTTISH ACCENT: Did you see the football last night?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Tremendous game, was it not?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Oh, yes, er, Motherwell against Dundee United.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Oh, for goodness sake, Geoff, whilst all reasonable minded people
0:19:41 > 0:19:44would acknowledge that Scottish football is much, much better
0:19:44 > 0:19:48than English football, there's no need to be patronising and racist.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I refer of course to the match between Manchester United
0:19:51 > 0:19:55and Newcastle United, last night, on television -
0:19:55 > 0:19:59invented by a Scotsman, John Logie Baird.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Oh, yeah, sorry.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Did you happen to notice who came up with the tactics
0:20:03 > 0:20:06for the winning team and where they hail from?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Sir Alex Ferguson and he's a Scotsman.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11A Scotsman, exactly...
0:20:11 > 0:20:13a Scotsman, precisely...
0:20:13 > 0:20:14a Scotsman, aye...
0:20:14 > 0:20:17a Scotsman, mmm, a Scotsman, ah-ha!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I reckon the England squad could probably do with a Scottish manager!
0:20:20 > 0:20:23If you continue to be patronising and racist,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I shall take my custom elsewhere.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Dinnae worry about him, pal. We're not all like that.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I take a sideways look at life.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I dinnae even like football.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Imagine if we dinnae have a ball, what would they call it then?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Foot? How spooky is that?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47And anyway Major Crabtree's asked me round 'is 'ouse Saturday, personal,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49to 'elp 'im with his ledgers and so forth.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50So I might be late for bingo.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Well, that's not all you'll be late for if you go round there,
0:20:53 > 0:20:54if you'll pardon my mentionin'.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Pamela Wells went round to 'elp 'im with 'is ledgers',
0:20:57 > 0:20:58now she's shellin' peas in a convent
0:20:58 > 0:21:02so you eat plenty of onions before you go round. 'E's a beast!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- Yeah, well, anyway. - Yeah, well, anyway.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05- Well, anyway.- Anyway.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08And anyway, I saw a gypsy woman lurkin' outside Bradshaw's this morning.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Couldn't see no caravans, mind, but I wasn't going in for no colic.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Well, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway that Mr Bradshaw,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16he's always got gypsy women lurking around,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18ever since his wife ran off with that short chap.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Used to collect the pop bottles.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Yeah, and anyway, what you givin' up for lent?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I'm giving up Carnation milk. Wot you givin up? Sailors?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Chance'd be a fine thing! Ta-da.- Ta-da.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35Next up, it's Ken and Brian, from Brian Farnet,
0:21:35 > 0:21:39with their novel solution to a modern storage problem.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Hello, Dragons.
0:21:40 > 0:21:46How often do you come back from the shops with loads of plastic bags?
0:21:46 > 0:21:50They get stuffed into a cupboard, they're messy and unsightful,
0:21:50 > 0:21:54and the next time you go shopping, you come back with even more!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56We present the BAG Bag.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03The Bag Bag is a powerful and planet-friendly innovation
0:22:03 > 0:22:05in bag storage technology.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It tucks in-ox-spicuously into a back pocket,
0:22:08 > 0:22:12but when required the Bag Bag automatically expands
0:22:12 > 0:22:16and can accommodate up to 20 plastic bags
0:22:16 > 0:22:20for an astonishing period of 75 days.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24What happens to the Bag Bag after 75 days?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27The Bag Bag bio-degrades harmlessly and odiously,
0:22:27 > 0:22:31with no impact on the environment whatsoever.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36The Dragons are environmentally excited.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40This is a genuine, totally biodegradable plastic bag?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Yes. For storing supermarket plastic bags.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I think the point is that you two idiots
0:22:47 > 0:22:49appear to have come up with a solution
0:22:49 > 0:22:53to the international supermarket plastic bag problem.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58This is an eco-testicul invention of a lovely, happy-clappy,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01planet friendly, hello peoples, plastic bag.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Yeah, if I can be allowed to finish...
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Despite the Dragons' enormous enthusiasm,
0:23:05 > 0:23:10Brian insists on droning on about keeping bags in the Bag Bag.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Shut up, you tit!
0:23:11 > 0:23:17Or a whole year's supply, the 24 box of bag of three Bag Bag Bag's Box.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Put your socks in it.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Don't you realise we could shift billions of these things everyday
0:23:22 > 0:23:26at the supermarkets as a degradable bag.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28If I can be ALLOWED to finish...
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Shut up!- ..we anticipate selling the Bag Bag at a price of...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33- Shut up!- ..49 pence per unit...
0:23:33 > 0:23:37Brian doesn't seem to realise what's actually good about their invention,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39but Ken has clicked.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44No, shut it, Ken! Shut it. I'm not interested in them.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48I resign with great reluctance from our professional company!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Brian has flounced out,
0:23:54 > 0:23:58leaving Ken in sole ownership of the best idea
0:23:58 > 0:24:01anyone has ever had on Dragons' Den.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Ken, the Dragons gave you £80 million
0:24:06 > 0:24:09for one per cent of your company.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10How are you going to celebrate?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I'm going to buy a new Vauxhall Zafira.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Well, if you fancy taking me out in it one evening...?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22All right.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31PHONE RINGING
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Simpkins Motors.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39I'd like to buy a second-hand car.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Do you have a second-hand car for sale?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- Yes, I do.- Is it in good working order?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Like new - would you care to come and inspect it?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Oh, that won't be necessary,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I'm sure you're an honest man, aren't you?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Of course, and I rather resent you even asking the question.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54I do apologise.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- Now, do you have a driver's licence? - Certainly not.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59It's a voluntary thing introduced by the government -
0:24:59 > 0:25:02unnecessary really - unless you're a woman that is!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Heavens no!- 'Good.'
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Have you driven a car before? - I've been on a tram once.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Same gist, really, except you sit at the front
0:25:10 > 0:25:11and you shouldn't read your book.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Well, I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17How much is this second-hand car, if it's not too vulgar a question?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19It is too vulgar a question. Ten pounds.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20That's a bit steep.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Five pounds.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I'll take it. Will you deliver it to my home?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28'Of course. We're based in Bournemouth, where are you?'
0:25:28 > 0:25:29The Hebrides.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31We'll have it with you this afternoon.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Would you like me to pay in advance?
0:25:33 > 0:25:36No, no, you can pay whenever the fancy takes you.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38I'm sure you're an honest fellow, aren't you?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Of course, and I rather resent you even asking the question. Goodbye.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Goodbye.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Have you heard of Harry Enfield?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- Yes.- Is he a quare?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59No, I...don't think he is a quare.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Well, he looks like a quare...
0:26:03 > 0:26:06..and he sounds like a quare, and he's on television.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Oh, well, then, if he looks like a quare, sounds like a quare
0:26:09 > 0:26:11and he's on television, like a quare, then I should think yes...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13No, I don't think he is a quare. No.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Have you heard of Paul Whitehouse?
0:26:20 > 0:26:21No.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- Is he a quare?- Yes.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27# Hurrah for Harry and Paul
0:26:27 > 0:26:31# Your comedy is challenging and bold
0:26:31 > 0:26:35# You're both incredibly handsome and tall
0:26:35 > 0:26:39# You're not even beginning to look bald
0:26:39 > 0:26:41# We strive to increase production
0:26:41 > 0:26:43# Of flatscreen televisions
0:26:43 > 0:26:47# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions... #
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd