0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09# Hurrah for Harry and Paul Your comedy is challenging and bold
0:00:09 > 0:00:14# You're both incredibly handsome and tall
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# You're not even beginning to look old
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# We strive to increase production of flat-screen televisions
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions
0:00:25 > 0:00:29# We're pleased to let you bed our wives, whenever your fancy beckons
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# We'll fight with all of our might
0:00:31 > 0:00:33# For your right to develop nuclear weapons
0:00:33 > 0:00:37# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. #
0:00:37 > 0:00:42- VOICEOVER:- Next came Ken and Brian, from Brian Farnet,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45with their unique take on a great British treat.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48What would the Dragons make of this?
0:00:48 > 0:00:52I'm Brian. This is my co-director, Ken.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Hello.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58We're looking for an investment of £100,000 for a 250% stake
0:00:58 > 0:01:02in our revolutionary new pudding supplement.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07Dragons, welcome to our revolutionary new pudding supplement,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I Can't Believe It's Not Custard.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15We all...
0:01:23 > 0:01:26We all, um, know custard.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28We all like custard.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32We all have custard on our apple pies,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34each and every single British day.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I don't. I don't like custard.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- Yeah, well, you're not really British are you? - What do you mean by that?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Well, look...
0:01:43 > 0:01:44You're Sc...
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Well, anyway, that doesn't really matter,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53cos now there's I Can't Believe It's Not Custard,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55which isn't custard,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58but it looks like custard and it tastes like custard.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Here's an idea.
0:02:00 > 0:02:05Why not all try the superb taste of I Can't Believe It's Not Custard?
0:02:05 > 0:02:09- No.- No.- No.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I really like you and I'm really nice, but, no.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- VOICEOVER:- It's all down to Grumpy Woman.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Will she put her money where her down-turned mouth is
0:02:17 > 0:02:20and invest in I Can't Believe It's Not Custard?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23SHE GARGLES
0:02:27 > 0:02:32Dragons didn't really go for your ludicrous custard substitute,
0:02:32 > 0:02:36and then the Grumpy Woman gave you such a ferocious stare
0:02:36 > 0:02:38that she, literally, petrified you.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Has it been a good experience?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54DOG BARKS
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Shut it! Shut up!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59All right, mate? You sell lotto tickets?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Shut it! Dean! Will you shut up?!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- Er, no.- You what, mate? - We don't sell lotto tickets.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05What's your problem, mate?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07We don't sell lotto tickets here.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Shut up! Shut it! Shut it!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- How come you don't sell lotto tickets?- Because this is a library.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- I'll have a scratchcard, then. - We don't sell scratchcards, either.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- I want some crisps!- You'll get a clump if you ain't careful! - I want some crisps!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Will you shut up?!- Stick that in your gob and shut your face!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- Shut it!- Sorry about my boy, he's mental.- Look, I'm sorry...
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- Give us a scratchcard and a packet of crisps.- It's no-smoking in here.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- You what, mate? - It's no-smoking in here.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- Dean...- Shut it!- Dean... - Will you shut up?!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Dean! Shut up! Shut it!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Will you shut it?! Shut up! Shut it! Will you shut up?! Here Dean...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- What?- Will you shut it! Dean... - What?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- Shut it! Dean.- Yeah? - Shut it! Give us a fag.- Eh?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- Give us a fag.- No, it's no-smoking in here. You got an ashtray?- No, to smoke, you have to go outside.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- All right, mate. See you later.- Shut it!- Do you want to buy some gear?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49- No thank you.- Sure, mate?- No.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51All right. Be lucky, see ya.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52You shut up!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- Dean, look - they've got kiddie porn in here. - Are you a paedophile, mate?
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Are you a paedo, mate?- No! - Ill kick your face in! - Are you a paedophile, mate?!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- We don't like paedophiles, mate. - You're a paedo, ain't you?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- No!- All right, see you later, be lucky.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- He ain't a paedo, he's all right. - He's only being friendly, mate.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- Shut up!- I wanted a packet of crisps! - Do you want some gear, mate?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- Shut up, Ghost Face! Ghost Face! - I wanted some crisps!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- Oi, can't you read the sign? It says "shut the fuck up!"- Shut it!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16VOICEOVER: Canal Cinq.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- Oh salut, Bing. - Salut, Jonny. Voila!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Tu as une selection de stylos?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30C'est le blue. C'est le rouge.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32C'est le jaune, c'est le vert, c'est moi!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35# Dang-da-lang-lag Bing-bang-bong... #
0:04:35 > 0:04:37C'est comme les anglais disent - "several pens."
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Ah, c'est comme de la Citron Several Pens.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- VOICEOVER:- Citron Several Pens. Edition speciale.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Several Pens!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47C'est avec sat-nav et motif "Several Pens."
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Oh yeah, so cool.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Beep, beep, beep.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- VOICEOVER:- Citron Several Pens, Edition Speciale incredible sexy.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Citron "Several Pens."
0:04:57 > 0:04:59MUSIC: "Man Next Door" by John Holt
0:04:59 > 0:05:02# There's a man that lives next-door in my neighbourhood... #
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Hello.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Oh, I like this chair.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I am reading a book.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Oh, sorry. I just wondered how much it cost.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Perhaps, is Marcus ...?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22What is the matter with you? Are you stupid?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh, gosh! Right. Um ...
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I am reading a book.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Can I just, very quickly, buy it?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It is sold, you idiot!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Well, um, thank you for your help.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Marcus!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Oh, hi, Listeria.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- How are you?- Good, how are you?
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Really, really good, mwah.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- Have you met Giselle?- Er, yah.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47She's my new assistant. She's French.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48She's even ruder than me.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Amazing. Yah.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I was just wondering about buying this chair for my bathroom,
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- but apparently it's... - Yeah, sold, yeah.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57But if you want an old chair, that one's for sale.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01- Not sure.- It's only £5,000. I can't twist your arm?
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Not really.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Oh, well. Maybe Giselle can. Giselle?
0:06:05 > 0:06:06SHE HUFFS
0:06:08 > 0:06:10You want to buy this chair, yes?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Um, no, I don't think I do. - Well, what is the matter with you?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15This is a Robin Day chair from the 1960s original.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Are you too stupid to know this?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Um, well, no. Of course, I know that.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21It's just it's a bit too big for my bathroom.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24No, it is not. It is not too big for any room, you stupid idiot woman.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27You want your husband to think you are not sophisticated by not
0:06:27 > 0:06:28buying the chair?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31You want him to think you are a hopeless cretin?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Because then, I think he must sleep with his secretary,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35because she is more intelligent than you, yes?
0:06:35 > 0:06:40- It is good that he leave you, because you are not worth him, with your lack of taste!- Gosh, um...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Then you will go and cry to your friends and they will go,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46"Pfft! You are too stupid to know about the chair. "You do not deserve a husband."
0:06:46 > 0:06:48No, no, of course, I'll, I'll buy it.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50You think you can just buy the chair?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52You disturb my reading and you think you can just buy the chair?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55You must apologise to me!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I'm so, so sorry.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58And now you must beg.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Please, please let me buy the chair.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04£10,000.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Oh, right. Um, I thought you said 5,000.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11OK, I am going to ring your husband and he is ravaging his secretary.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14No, no, no, no, no, it's fine. 10,000. Here's my card.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19She's a real "see-you-next-Tuesday," isn't she?
0:07:19 > 0:07:20I adore her.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Yeah, me, too.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23I'll come and pick it up
0:07:23 > 0:07:26when the builders have widened my bathroom door.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Oh, well, tell them to make it snappy.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I hate sold goods hanging around.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Sorry.- OK.- Thank you, bye.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Bye. Bye.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39- VOICEOVER:- And now, from the 1930s, the original When Harry Met Sally.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Oh, darling, I'm so happy to be your fiancee.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Oh, darling, soon we'll be able to spend our whole lives together,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51as a proper married couple.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Even...
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Even what, darling?- You know.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57No. What are you talking about, you silly little thing?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I'm sure you do know, darling.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01I know what happens in marriage.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Yes, well, never mind about that.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07That's one of the more distasteful things about marriage.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Yes, it happens, but there's no reason to talk about it.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13What if I should have a "hm-hm"?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- A what darling?- You know. A "hm-hm".
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I should be frightfully embarrassed.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Don't be ridiculous, darling, there's no such thing as a female "hm-hm".
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Oh, but there is, darling.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Don't ask me how I know, but I do.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Wait here!
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Ah, Doctor, it's my fiancee, I think she might be sick or something.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Could you come immediately? Thank you.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41We're in Luigi's Foreign Food Trattoria in the High Street.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Goodbye.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Now, Dr Little, have a seat. Have a drink, you'll need one.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55What seems to be the trouble?
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Well, my fiancee here seems to think the female "hm-hm" is a reality.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02That's just hearsay and dangerous twaddle.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04No, the female "hm-hm" is a myth.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06No, it is not.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09It does exist, and what's more, I could recreate it, here and now.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- What the...?- No!
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Hm-hm.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17CROCKERY SMASHES
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I'm afraid your fiancee is quite mental.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25I shall have her transferred immediately to a mental home.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Well, thanks, Doc. You saved me from a lifetime with that mental woman.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Indeed, you're a very lucky fellow.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Living with that mental woman would have been an absolute heel.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Hm-hm.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40CROCKERY SMASHES
0:09:42 > 0:09:43I'll have what she's having.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49VOICEOVER: Next up came two lively chaps with their take on a great British treat.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53What would the Dragons make of this?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55# But it taste like custard taste. #
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Greetin', Dragon.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I and I are Ken and Brian.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Brian the Lion!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02He don't come from Zion.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05'I'm hail from Farnet, Brian.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11Dragon, we presentin' to you Me Kyan Believe It Nat Custard.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15It nat custard, but Jah know it taste a likkle bit like it.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I'm charmed already, let me have a wee taste.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19# What dat ting in nat custard?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21# It not custard like custard... #
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Hm, gorgeous.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27# Jah say it nat custard # But it taste like custard taste
0:10:27 > 0:10:29# Shabba, Shabba!
0:10:29 > 0:10:30# It nat ee custard.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32# Ray up your custard! #
0:10:32 > 0:10:35All the Dragons have tasted "Me Kyan Believe It Not Custard,"
0:10:35 > 0:10:37But will they invest?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41I really like your crap product. And I'll give you money.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46I love you because I'm not racist, and I will give you more money.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I care about you
0:10:48 > 0:10:51and your traditions more than this bunch of horrible Herberts.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52So I'm in it, innit?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I'm even less racist than all them.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57So I'll give you as much money as you want for no stake at all.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01VOICEOVER: Ken and Brian are thrilled and pitching other products.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04# Dreadlock deadlock.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06# Babylon Savylon.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08The Bob Marley Davidson!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11VOICEOVER: All the Dragons have invested, except James.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I really like you and I'm really nice...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19But I do have one question for you.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Are you really black?
0:11:23 > 0:11:28VOICEOVER: Ken and Brian certainly hadn't anticipated this question.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35The Dragons decided your pitch was only skin-deep.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Any plans for the future?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I've decided to retire from the partnership.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41But Brian has a few plans up his sleeve.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Me Um No-Believe It Not Um Custard.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Hmm.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Did you see that Shelly down The Lamb on Friday?- Oh-ho, hey what?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57She didn't leave much to the imagination, did she?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59What I'd do with that.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02That has got one fine set of top bollocks, isn't it?
0:12:02 > 0:12:06I definitely would. How about you Danny?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08What?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- Oh yeah.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Yeah, she's really graceful, isn't she?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Got a...nice arse. Lovely.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Oh aye, where are you off to? Knock one out? THEY LAUGH
0:12:21 > 0:12:23No, get a signal.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Hey Bob, you see that thing on?
0:12:30 > 0:12:31What thing?
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Last night at that hall.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Royal Festival Hall, or somewhere or other.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- What, the Royal what? - Well, I dunno, do I?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42With that... Barenboim bloke, or something, some old bollocks.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Nah. HE SNIFFS
0:12:44 > 0:12:45- No.- Nah.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Yeah. Yeah, I did.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51What?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I seen it, the Beethoven and Schoenberg concert.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55You went to see it?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Yeah. I've seen all four in the series.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- So did I! They're fantastic, ain't they?- Oh, man!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I don't what it is, he's just with
0:13:03 > 0:13:05the Schoenberg pieces, he just fills them with light,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07he really illuminates them.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10And the Beethoven concertos - they were just, they were just...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- Electrical!- Electrical!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Amazing. It was just... Well, amazing.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17CLEARS THROAT
0:13:17 > 0:13:19What was amazing?
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Oh, the Barenboim, concerts.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21The what?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Yeah, what?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25At the Royal Festival Hall.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28What, the Festival what?!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31What are you talking about, Danny?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I dunno.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- Tits.- Oh!- Shelly's tits.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Phwoar.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Get in!
0:13:50 > 0:13:55VOICEOVER: And now on Dave, we go back to the 1970's, with Dr Who, the ITV years.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Oh, knickers! Work why, don't you?!
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Call yourself a Tardis? You're more of a flaming "retardis"!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14THEY LAUGH
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Go easy, you'll send us a billion light years away.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18HE CHUCKLES
0:14:18 > 0:14:20That's what I'm trying to do!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I want to get as far away as possible from her!
0:14:23 > 0:14:24THEY LAUGH
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Cor, dear!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Your Olive, I tell you, she's more frightening than the Daleks.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35THEY LAUGH
0:14:35 > 0:14:36'Ere, where are we going then?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39To the planet Ravin' Nympho, where all the birds love nookie!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Phwoar!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51That gave me the collywobbles.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Right, slap and tickle, here I come.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Blimey, what a dump!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- It's a gay day.- What a gay day. - Where's me handbag?- What a gay day.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Oh!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07This ain't the planet Ravin' Nympho.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You've brought us to the planet Woooly Wooftah!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- What a gay day.- What a gay day.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Get out of it.- What a gay day!
0:15:17 > 0:15:22VOICEOVER: It's 6.59 and Arsenal's Georgie Charles is about to wake up happy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30That's because he's got a Fugsmade!
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Mm.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35VOICEOVER: Yes, the new Fugsmade from Bronco. Look bright, you're alight.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Morning, darling.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40VOICEOVER: And she likes it, too. Fugsmade, the footballer's choice.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Only 2.99 from Bronco.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I'm Rodney Bowles, Man City's finest.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Tonight, I'm playing darts with my good mate, Vidal Sassoon.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Looks like I'm going to get my leg over tonight.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58HE LAUGHS AND SHE GIGGLES
0:15:58 > 0:16:01VOICEOVER: But it's not just the smell of success the birds love,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03it's the smell of booze.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Brute for men. Birds love it.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09APPLAUSE
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Come on, Stan, let's scarper. - Yeah, good idea.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17'Ere, hold on, them woolly wooftas have captured your arch enemy,
0:16:17 > 0:16:18The Master.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I hate you, Doctor!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Naughty!- I'll thank you not to do that very much.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25THEY LAUGH
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Cor!
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Cor! Get a load of that.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32ALL: We are Eartha-lings.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I'm not surprised, you've got three "Eartha Kitts".
0:16:35 > 0:16:36THEY LAUGH
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- Opportunity Knockers!- Phwoar!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43THEY LAUGH
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Not with you two.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Oh, we, love you, as well.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49I beg your pardon?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Watch out, love, that's my sonic screwdriver!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Hello, darling.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59THEY SNORE
0:17:02 > 0:17:05It was an absolutely heavenly wedding.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I do so wish we'd been able to go. I'd love to have seen everyone.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I can't believe that Geoffrey and Laura Wrigglesworth were there.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12And looking so well.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- You know I shared digs with Laura after the war? - Oh, yes, of course you did.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Yes, and she was a very attractive girl.- Very attractive girl.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Oh very, very, very, very, very attractive girl.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Such an attractive girl.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25A very, very attractive girl and frightfully clever.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27The only girl in the War Office who could bash
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Johnny Ball at chess, and you know how brilliant he was.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Wasn't she at Bletchley for a while?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Yes, that's right, she shared a room with Penny Keble Black.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Penny Keble Black - there was another very attractive girl.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- A very attractive girl. - Such an attractive girl.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41She was a very, very, very, very attractive girl.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Her granddaughter was at the wedding, you know.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Yes, she's just come down from Cambridge with a double first.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Oh, she's the brains of her grandmother.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50And the looks. She's a very attractive girl.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Is she a very, very attractive girl?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- Such an attractive girl.- Very, very, very, very, attractive girl. - Very attractive girl.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- Now darling, darling, darling... - Yes, yes?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Are you coming to Peter Jones' with me?- Oh, yes, yes.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Or perhaps you'd rather stay here and meet me at the National later?
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- Oh, yes.- I think you'd better come with me, we need some tinsel for the tree.- Oh, yes.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Don't forget we're having dinner with Nicholas Hytner tonight after the performance.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13No, no. Yes, yes, yes.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- Darling, are we going straight home? - Oh, yes.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17D'you mind if we swing by Marks and Spencer's
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- and get some Chicken Kievs on the way?- Yes, yes.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Right. Come along, then, you two.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Mind the step.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Thank you. Mind your ankle.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Thank you. Mind your knee.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27- Thank you.- Mind your elbow.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Thank you. Mind your hip.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32# Parking Pataweyo
0:18:32 > 0:18:33# Parking Pataweyo
0:18:33 > 0:18:39# Parking Pataweyo and his black-and-white cat-aweyo
0:18:39 > 0:18:42# Forget to feed the meter?
0:18:42 > 0:18:46# Pataweyo's eager to pop a ticket on your car
0:18:46 > 0:18:48# And get you towed away-o. #
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- VOICEOVER:- Where's Parking Pataweyo?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Are you hiding?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Oh, it's drop-off time for school,
0:19:01 > 0:19:05so any latecomers are easy prey for you, aren't they, Parking Pataweyo?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Can you see her number plate from there?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11What a crafty fellow you are.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Quick, Parking Pataweyo, now's your chance.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Come on, hurry up.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25What's going on here?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Parking Pataweyo, did you issue her a ticket already?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Well, how on earth did you do that?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36A-ha, you want us to see that again in slow motion?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38All right.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis
0:19:47 > 0:19:49CAMERA CLICKS
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Everyone loves Parking Pataweyo.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Hello there. We all love our Northerners, don't we?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I know I'd be lost without Yorkie, here.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Eh-up, lad, put one in t'hall.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Ha!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28We grow to love their cheeky manner, their devotion,
0:20:28 > 0:20:29the simple joy they bring.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Yorkie was adopted by my family whilst still a nipper...
0:20:32 > 0:20:33GUNSHOTS
0:20:33 > 0:20:36..and, naturally, he's flourished in Sussex.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39But not every Northerner is as lucky as Yorkie.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Some of these poor creatures are so neglected and abused,
0:20:42 > 0:20:46it's almost as if they're back in the towns and cities of their birth.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48The Royal Society for the Protection of Northerners
0:20:48 > 0:20:49was set up to care for them.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Tonight, you can make a real difference.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Good boy.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58No, no!
0:20:58 > 0:20:59No, oh!
0:21:02 > 0:21:03HE LAUGHS
0:21:06 > 0:21:08I'm absolutely drenched"
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- JONATHAN ROSS VOICE:- His Woyal Highness, the Prince Minor Woyal,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16taking time out of his busy schedule for Northern Welief Night,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18the culmination of Wed Face Day,
0:21:18 > 0:21:23in which we all do our bit to help the wuddy, wed-faced Northern folk.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Coming up now, Harry Hill goes on patrol with
0:21:25 > 0:21:28some of the wonderful people who work for the RSPN.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30APPLAUSE
0:21:30 > 0:21:33So, Geoff, what are we doing here, at this normal street in Shepherd's Bush?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Well, it might look like a normal street in Shepherd's Bush, Harry,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38but we've been called to number 154.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41The sheer volume of boxes of Embassy Regals
0:21:41 > 0:21:44and chicken parmas suggests there might be an illegal
0:21:44 > 0:21:49concentration of Northerners, kept in squalid conditions hereby within.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50HE KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:21:51 > 0:21:53What do you want?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I have a warrant to search your premises.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58TOY SQUEAKS
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I've got a bad feeling about this, actually.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05HUBBUB FROM ROOM
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Oh!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10PEOPLE TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:22:11 > 0:22:16I'm sorry. I don't understand how people can be so cruel.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Moving stuff from Harry Hill there.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Of course, the Northerners weally, weally need your money and here's how it can help.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33MUSIC: "Drive" by The Cars
0:22:56 > 0:23:03# Who's gonna tell you things aren't so great?
0:23:07 > 0:23:14# Who's gonna drive you home tonight? #
0:23:14 > 0:23:15VOICEOVER: Canal Cinq.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Salut, Bing.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Aimes-tu jouer au football?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Sur ma tete.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30CROWD CHEERING
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- VOICEOVER:- Froid!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Tu as l'air de Dracula, et tu aimes le footballing.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Ning-ning-ning-ning!
0:23:37 > 0:23:42Citron Dracula Footballing. Edition Speciale, Dracula Footballing.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45# Dang-de-lang-lang, bing-bang-bong!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47# Ooby-dooby! #
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Citron Dracula Footballing.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Citron Dracula Footballing -
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Edition speciale de vampire football.
0:23:54 > 0:24:00# There's a man that lives next door in my neighbourhood... #
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Hi, Marcus!
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Oh, hi, Binty.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- How are you? - Really, really good. How are you?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- Amazing, how are you? - Really, really good, how are you?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- Incredible, how are you? - Amazing, how are you? - Yeah, not bad, not bad.- Mwah!
0:24:12 > 0:24:16You're a really good colour, have you been away? Not that I'm interested.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- Yeah, at our house in the south of France.- Whereabouts?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- Not that I give a shit. - It's just above Villefranche.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Oh, I know, not that I care. - The weather was amazing!
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Was it? I don't give a shit.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28- There's a fabulous restaurant down the road from us... - Gosh, I'm not interested.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31..where the children play in the pool, while we sip rose from their vineyard.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35I don't give a toss. Now, Binti, I'm bored of this conversation, buy something.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Actually, Marcus, today, I am just browsing.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38It's lunchtime, get out.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Um, right, yah. What time do you open again today?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Two o'clock or three o'clock, if I've had a lot of booze.- Right.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Always lovely to see you. Out!
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Bye, Marcus!
0:25:04 > 0:25:09Do you follow the professional game of Association Football, madam?
0:25:09 > 0:25:10A little.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14My husband was a keen follower until he got his withering condition.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Well, then, perhaps you'll be familiar with
0:25:19 > 0:25:23some of the teams for whom I played in a professional capacity.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Perhaps.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26- Nottingham Hotspur?- No.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- Isle of Sheppy Wednesday?- No.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- Manchester Rovers?- No.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- Bristol?- Doesn't ring a bell.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Tiverton?
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Everton Parkway?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- Queen's Particle? - Ain't not never heard of 'em.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- Particle Thistle? - Can't say that I have.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- Queen of the South Particle? - Not really.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Queen of the North Ventricle?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- North Ventricle of the Heart of Midlothian?- No.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Arse?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54GRUNTS
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Aston Martin?- No.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Sunderground?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Roverground?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Wanderers Free?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Wombledon?
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Oh... No.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10West Bromwich Albinos?
0:26:11 > 0:26:15I ain't not heard of 'em, but I don't half like the sound of 'em.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19HOWLING
0:26:23 > 0:26:25CLOCKS CHIME
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Come on!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38HORNS BEEP
0:26:41 > 0:26:42IGNITION STALLS
0:26:44 > 0:26:47# This bird was driving the other day
0:26:47 > 0:26:49# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# She stopped her car down a one-way
0:26:52 > 0:26:54# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:26:54 > 0:26:56# I hit my horn and yelled, "Oi-ey!"
0:26:56 > 0:26:59# You're right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:26:59 > 0:27:01# You stupid cow, get out the way
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# You're right in the middle Right in the middle
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# She's gone, "I can't, I've broken down"
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# Then she started to whinge and whine
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# She wants a push up on the side
0:27:20 > 0:27:22# Right from the middle of the fuckin' road
0:27:22 > 0:27:25# "I can't, I've done me back" I lied
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# She's right in the middle Right in the middle
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# She's right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# She gets out, I don't know why.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# She starts to weep She starts to cry.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# I scratched me head and thought, "Oh, my!"
0:27:45 > 0:27:49# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# I wish she'd just fuck off and die
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# Right in the middle Right in the middle
0:27:54 > 0:27:58# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:27:58 > 0:28:01# The RAAC come at last
0:28:01 > 0:28:03# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:28:03 > 0:28:05# They pushed her up onto the grass
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:28:08 > 0:28:10# As I finally drove right past
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road
0:28:12 > 0:28:15# I've gone, "Oi, love! Nice tits, nice arse!"
0:28:15 > 0:28:17# Right in the middle Right in the middle
0:28:17 > 0:28:19# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road... #
0:28:19 > 0:28:22You can pull me off to the side, if you want!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24# Right in the middle Right in the middle
0:28:24 > 0:28:26# Right in the middle of the fuckin'... #
0:28:26 > 0:28:28I bet you'd like to have it off, darlin!
0:28:28 > 0:28:29# ..road! #
0:28:29 > 0:28:33# Hurrah for Harry and Paul
0:28:33 > 0:28:37# Your comedy is challenging and bold
0:28:37 > 0:28:42# You're both incredibly handsome and tall
0:28:42 > 0:28:45# You're not even beginning to look old
0:28:45 > 0:28:49# We strive to increase production of flat-screen televisions
0:28:49 > 0:28:54# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions
0:28:54 > 0:28:56# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. #