0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Eamonn Holmes.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43In the news this week - at Belfast General Hospital,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45a consultant unveils the pioneering device
0:00:45 > 0:00:49that will replace Ian Paisley's worn out vocal cords.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57There's confusion in Downing Street as the Daily Mirror photographer
0:00:57 > 0:01:00shouts, "Can we have a wave from the public school tosser?"
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And, on holiday in Madrid, the chairman of McDonalds
0:01:10 > 0:01:13regrets taking a front-row seat.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25On Ian's team is a satirist whose father was in the pizza business,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28so when he was born he was delivered half an hour late
0:01:28 > 0:01:30by a spotty teenager on a moped.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Please welcome Armando Iannucci!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42And on Paul's team is the BBC's Business Editor
0:01:42 > 0:01:46whose brilliant financial reporting doubled the audience of BBC News 24,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48when BOTH his parents started watching it.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Please welcome Robert Peston.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Yes, we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Ian and Armando, take a look at this.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Got no money.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08None at all. Gosh, they're bored, aren't they?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Bond villain.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:13That's manufacturing industry,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15that's all of it, there.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- Look at that!- One day there'll be 10,000 Milibands.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:23This is the big news. This is the coalition.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Working together to cut everything.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28The demolition, now.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33What is George Osborne doing on Monday?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36They promised these cuts, it's what won them the election.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38He's going to announce what those cuts are.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41He's brought into his team a very nice Liberal Democrat, David Laws...
0:02:41 > 0:02:46Is it compulsory now, to put the words "very nice" before "Liberal Democrat"?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48"So we've got a horrid Tory, booo...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50"and David Laws. He-ey!"
0:02:50 > 0:02:54We're going to get rid of the ridiculous and unnecessary post
0:02:54 > 0:02:56of Deputy Prime Minister. That's going.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Um... LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:02The chancellor has created a new department.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05What's it called and what will it do?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07It's called the Office of Budgetary Regulation,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09and it will ask Robert Peston what's happening.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- Hm.- Not a good idea?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15I think if you take the view that it's been many years
0:03:15 > 0:03:18since the Treasury's figures were...
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Accurate.- ..close to the truth...
0:03:21 > 0:03:24then maybe subcontracting it isn't such a bad idea.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Are you saying they made them up, previous occupants of the Treasury?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- Some people would say that... - Would you?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- Strictly impartial BBC. - If you were some people.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- If I was somebody else... - What would you say?
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I would say that they take a rose-tinted view of these things.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43These independent people who will blame the previous government,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- they will be appointed by the present government.- Yes.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- So they'll independently decide the last government was rubbish.- Yes.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55But they don't have to, because the last government's people sent little notes!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58That man, Liam Byrne, who was Secretary to the Treasury,
0:03:58 > 0:04:02left a note on his desk saying, "There's no money, ha-ha-ha-ha-hah!"
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I mean, it would be funny if it wasn't true!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"We've put the army on eBay."
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Do you think our economy is now in safe hands?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Over to you, over to you.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Yes and no.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23That's a coalition answer!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Here's George Osborne with his view,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28appearing recently on the Andrew Marr show.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30It's precisely because
0:04:30 > 0:04:32the Conservative party will be irresponsible
0:04:32 > 0:04:37after a decade of irresponsibility from the incumbent government...
0:04:37 > 0:04:38- RE-sponsible?- Responsible...
0:04:38 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:46If there's no money, which they said there is...n't,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49does that mean you now have nothing to talk about?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53If there's no money, it means we're in a mess, and as you know,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56the frequency of my appearances goes up.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57ARMANDO: Right.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00And the money you make from that goes back into the economy?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- That would be the solution to all our problems. - Should we be worried
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- by your appearance on this programme tonight?- It probably means
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- that things are all right this evening.- OK, fine.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14So, if halfway through this programme
0:05:14 > 0:05:17you go, "Oh, my God!"
0:05:17 > 0:05:22If I start to shake uncontrollably because my Blackberry is vibrating
0:05:22 > 0:05:24in a manic way, and then I disappear,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26sell everything.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Is it very, very bad?
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- Do you remember how bad it was in the Autumn of 2008?- Yes.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36It could be at least as bad as that again. It could be.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39You know the end of Reservoir Dogs? When they're all...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42dead. Lying in pools of blood,
0:05:42 > 0:05:47having killed each other. If that was a sort of standard...
0:05:48 > 0:05:52..on the sort of Pestometer...
0:05:52 > 0:05:54where are we at the moment?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Are we going to have to barter with Greece?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Are we going to be swapping chips for taramasalata?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:03How bad is the currency?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- The good news... - Yeah, the good news?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09The good news is things are a lot worse elsewhere.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- That's good news, is it? - That's the good news.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14You wouldn't believe it, looking at your reports.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- This is the last thing British banks needed.- Absolutely.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20They need this like a hole in the head.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Our banks have become chronically short of cash.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Normal commercial sources have more or less...dried up.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Here is what particularly worries me...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I'll start with something that SOUNDS like good news...
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Louise, it's a mess.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Here's a really chilling statistic...
0:06:37 > 0:06:41We might as well turn the lights off, get under the duvet and stay there.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45You are really the fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse.
0:06:47 > 0:06:53In an unexpected development, what will William Hague and Nick Clegg be sharing?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55ARMANDO: They're sharing a big house.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59It used to be the Foreign Secretary's house alone. But everything's shared now.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01So a Lib Dem has the top floor
0:07:01 > 0:07:03and the Tory has the bottom floor, in all houses.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Unless it's done proportionally...
0:07:05 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER
0:07:07 > 0:07:11..and Clegg gets one bedroom for every five...
0:07:11 > 0:07:12..That Hague gets.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15William Hague is, like me, a proud comprehensive school boy
0:07:15 > 0:07:18and, of course, Nick Clegg we know went to
0:07:18 > 0:07:20what is known as one of the better public schools.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23You think there's an Upstairs, Downstairs thing
0:07:23 > 0:07:24that's going to go on there?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Are you suggesting Hague's going to have to deliver breakfast?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30It's a thought, isn't it?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I don't know, I see it more like Dick and Dom in da Bungalow.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Who are notable by their absence from the coalition cabinet?
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Um, women.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45And I think that's pretty outrageous.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48A group of men, yet again, all the same age,
0:07:48 > 0:07:49sitting behind desks,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- not one woman there... - LAUGHTER
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Seems to me a pretty shoddy...
0:07:57 > 0:08:00arrangement for any sort of sensible organisation.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02And I'm against it.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Indeed, the Home Secretary Theresa May,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07she called her fellow women Ministers together
0:08:07 > 0:08:09for a meeting to discuss this.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15What has Vince Cable been given?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17A car. Which he didn't know he had.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22And so he wandered out of 10 Downing Street, got on a bus, the driver jumped onto the bus,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25they wrestled with each other - he didn't realise what was going on.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Vince Cable was thrown off at Trafalgar Square, but rallied by the time he got to The Strand,
0:08:29 > 0:08:34was back on the bus, threw the other guy off the bus and the fight went on all night.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Let's relive part of that.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39The Lib Dems are going to have to get used to the trappings of power.
0:08:39 > 0:08:45Here, Mr Cable walks away, happy in possession of an important ministerial post.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Vince!
0:08:48 > 0:08:49This is your car!
0:08:49 > 0:08:54Yes. His driver shouting, "Vince, this is your car."
0:08:54 > 0:09:01He then followed his charge until the new Business Secretary finally got the message.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03I'm going to hate myself for saying this,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05but is it a Cable car?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09It was brewing, and I didn't know whether to let it go.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13We should show the man some respect because that's more than the BBC reporter,
0:09:13 > 0:09:17James Landale. I think it's common courtesy to ask someone a question
0:09:17 > 0:09:20when you're jabbing a finger at them, but James doesn't.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25This morning, Vince Cable told the Cabinet that the interim relations think an arranged marriage
0:09:25 > 0:09:32is a good thing. But is all this a marriage of convenience, or a genuine partnership that can last?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Ian, you alluded to this earlier.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41What did the new Treasury Secretary, Lib Dem David Laws find on his desk
0:09:41 > 0:09:44when he arrived in the office on his first day?
0:09:44 > 0:09:48You're right, I did allude to it, in the sense that I said it.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:53But led me allude again...
0:09:53 > 0:09:56What did it actually say?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58It said... I think it apologised, didn't it?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01It said, "I'm sorry, but there isn't any money."
0:10:01 > 0:10:02ARMANDO: "Best of luck."
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Best of luck!
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Does anyone remember a previous note that Liam Byrne wrote?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Is this the cappuccino/soup memo?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Yes, I can give you the exact timetable.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20It was entitled, "Working with Liam Byrne". It declared...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30To be fair, someone working with Liam Byrne has said...
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Now of course he goes to a soup kitchen.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Who else has left notes for their successors down the years?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Tony Blair, he left a note for Brown.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49It just said, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- Reginald Maudling left a note for James Callaghan.- Yeah.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55He said he'd left the place a bit of a mess.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- And he called him "Old Cock". - He did! He said...
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Callaghan thought he meant the state of the office
0:11:05 > 0:11:07until he looked at the books.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11And there was a rumour that when Clinton handed over to George W Bush,
0:11:11 > 0:11:15all the staffers stuck the "W" letters on all the keyboards down
0:11:15 > 0:11:18so that they wouldn't work for all the people coming in.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Yeah, but that assumes Bush was able to write.
0:11:22 > 0:11:27- Would anybody want to buy a tankard commemorating the coalition?- Yes!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- I'd love to.- £29.95.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30- A bargain.- Yeah.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- Where can I get it? - Manufactured by Aynsley China.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35He just doesn't do Ready Steady Cook, you know?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39According to the advert...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Probably when the coalition falls apart.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51I love the fact they call it a tankard rather than a mug.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56If that doesn't appeal to you, you could always buy a box of tea bags
0:11:56 > 0:12:00in the shape of the French President, Nicolas Sarkozy.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04That's life-size.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Over in the Labour camp, who has thrown their hat into the ring
0:12:11 > 0:12:13as regards the leadership?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Gordon Brown?
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Very popular now.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17The Miliband brothers.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21It's a very odd idea, both brothers saying, "We are going to bring unity to the party."
0:12:21 > 0:12:24They can't even bring it to their own family!
0:12:24 > 0:12:28let's have a look at them. One's a bit of a geeky nerd and...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31so is the other one.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Is there an obscure third Miliband?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37That we just don't know about? Pete Miliband.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Or perhaps a sister. Millie Miliband.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44On the subject of high-ranking politicians,
0:12:44 > 0:12:50does anybody want to see the Ukrainian president being hit on the head with a wreath?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54- Yes, I would love to see that. - Yes, please.- Thank goodness for that. Here we go.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Well, there we are. You can laugh at anything, can't you?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Well, it's the first week of the new politics. The important business
0:13:17 > 0:13:21of government has already begun with the divvying up of grace and favour mansions.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24David Cameron, of course, gets Chequers. But, unusually,
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Chevening House will be shared between Nick Clegg and William Hague
0:13:28 > 0:13:33which, for staff, will mean laying out two sets of towels, two bathrobes, two flannels
0:13:33 > 0:13:34and one comb.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Much has been made of David Cameron's privileged background,
0:13:42 > 0:13:46but he's not the only old Etonian who's currently leading the government.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50The Prime Minister of Thailand also went to Eton. And look what a good job he's doing.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Nick Clegg explained the success of the coalition, saying,
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Bullshit/Bollocks.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Meanwhile the Labour leadership contest has got underway,
0:14:18 > 0:14:22with the party keen to offer members as wide a range of candidates as possible,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25drawn from all sides of the Miliband family.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27My money's on Auntie Maureen.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30This week, David Miliband insisted the battle with his brother
0:14:30 > 0:14:34will not be personal and will be fought solely on the main issues.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37namely, the economy, the environment, political reform
0:14:37 > 0:14:41and the fact that "He drew a willy on my Blue Peter annual."
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Paul and Robert, here's yours.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Oh, right. Pizza delivery man, David Beckham,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52and that's Lord Teasman, is it, something like that?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Triesman.- Triesman, he's been caught out by the Mail On Sunday.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59That's Wembley, being repainted during half-time,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02and that's Gary Lineker, the well-known crisp salesman.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Our bid to host the World Cup's been slightly ruined by some bloke
0:15:07 > 0:15:11claiming the Spanish and Russians were going to bribe referees
0:15:11 > 0:15:14at the forthcoming finals, and we've now got to look to our laurels,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16and try to get it back for the country,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19but it doesn't matter, cos it's televised anyway.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Lord Triesman is alleged to have told his lady friend
0:15:24 > 0:15:28that the Spanish would support the Russian bid for 2018,
0:15:28 > 0:15:32if the Russians would help Spain by bribing referees in South Africa.
0:15:32 > 0:15:37Allegedly, he was canoodling with a civil servant when he was in the Government,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40and allegedly, she took her story to Max Clifford.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Now, when have you ever heard that happening? Quite extraordinary.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- Particularly with someone in the FA.- Hmm.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Certainly wouldn't happen to footballers, or England managers.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Or politicians.- Or slappers.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Straight to Max, there's a special door marked "slappers in".
0:15:57 > 0:15:58In they go!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Is it like a cat flap, do you hear it go?- Yeah.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04"There's another one in the kitchen."
0:16:04 > 0:16:07The boss of the Spanish Football Association
0:16:07 > 0:16:10responded to Lord Triesman's xenophobic remarks by saying,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Yes, because it's usually the Italians, isn't it?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Right, first of all...
0:16:23 > 0:16:25First of all, your opening line is,
0:16:25 > 0:16:32"There's that pizza-trading tiddly Itie wop-faced loon who's come on the show,"
0:16:32 > 0:16:35and then you talk about corruption and the Italians,
0:16:35 > 0:16:39and the camera, I notice, goes straight on me!
0:16:39 > 0:16:41When they mentioned the joke about baldness, it cut to Ian,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43he didn't complain.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- But that was funny!- Oh, I see.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47- Hindsight.- When this story broke,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50there were many calls for...
0:16:51 > 0:16:56..after doing the indecent thing, and letting someone else fall on it.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I notice you've dropped the "allegedly" from that part!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Suddenly not too bothered about it?
0:17:06 > 0:17:12What is the evidence for an affair between Lord Triesman and Melissa Jacobs?
0:17:12 > 0:17:13- Texts.- Yes.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Not just texts.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Flirty texts.- Racy texts.- Racy,
0:17:17 > 0:17:18ie, not much.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21That's why I was worried about you not saying "allegedly" earlier.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Well...- I'd hate you to get into trouble, Eamonn.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- No, so would I. - Those prison rations, pretty slim.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29On second thoughts...
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I could get you some good pizza.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39She also kept a blog, called Sex, Lies, And OCD,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41in which she wrote,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Tell me about it, love.
0:17:52 > 0:17:57Unfortunately for Lord Triesman, who denies that the couple were physically intimate,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Tuesday's Sun ran with this.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05And then if you look further down...
0:18:10 > 0:18:15Ian, how would you do it? If you were in charge of selling this England bid for 2018,
0:18:15 > 0:18:17how would you sell England?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I'd adopt the slogan, "Don't come here."
0:18:22 > 0:18:27"Football's going to someone else's home," I would sing.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Anybody to better that one?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I don't think so, I think he's caught the mood of the nation.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38We have to worry about it. Somebody has got to save the FA.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Lord Sugar. He said...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48That's the couple of people.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53We don't know whether he's got the temperament
0:18:53 > 0:18:56to tackle the big questions, though, as you'll see from this.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58How does this region get out of recession?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Oh, shit. Don't ask me.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06This is England's World Cup bid,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09and the spectacular own goal scored by the Mail On Sunday,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11with an assist from Lord Triesman.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Football insiders first suspected that Lord Triesman was having an affair,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18when they noticed Wayne Bridge refusing to shake his hand.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23The details of Lord Triesman's romp with a younger woman shocked many England footballers,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27who couldn't understand why none of his mates were there watching.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31So, at the end of that round,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33it's two points each.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35APPLAUSE
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Coming up later in the programme, buy one, get one free,
0:19:47 > 0:19:51the double banana that's causing a storm in the fruit world.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53But first, our picture spin quiz.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Fingers on the buzzers. Take it away.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01BUZZER
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Robert and Paul.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Well, Eamonn.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11- Don't ask me! - I've recently been in Hertfordshire looking at magic tortoises
0:20:11 > 0:20:13and also this is a story about a man who...
0:20:18 > 0:20:19What's going on?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22This is a man who spent six years trying to finish
0:20:22 > 0:20:26a puzzle and realised there was a piece missing when he got to the end
0:20:26 > 0:20:30and the piece was found inside his cat and it's been removed from the cat
0:20:30 > 0:20:34and placed back on the board and he's very happy. He's solved the puzzle.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I haven't solved this puzzle, but he solved that puzzle.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Absolutely spot on. - I wouldn't have bothered otherwise.
0:20:40 > 0:20:46Jack Harris. 86 years of age, Jack. Seven and a half years doing a jigsaw puzzle.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- 5,000 pieces.- Yeah.- Except one.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Where does Jack think that missing piece might be?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Is it down the back of YOUR sofa, Eamonn?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- No.- Is it Gibraltar?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- No.- Is it not in a cat?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- Rescued from a hospital?- Close. Close.- A dog?
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Could be either in the dog or in the bin.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Can he not look?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10At least in the bin!
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And then, you know, through a process of elimination...
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Now, the really tragic side to this was that not only did he lose the piece...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Can you put on a sad face?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- No, this is sad.- This is daytime TV.- Yes.- "The really..."
0:21:21 > 0:21:23The really tragic part,
0:21:23 > 0:21:28was that the manufacturers had stopped making Jack's jigsaw.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Aaw!
0:21:30 > 0:21:31But they did do what?
0:21:31 > 0:21:35They made a piece specially for Jack! Happy face, Eamonn.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Happy face, Ian. Well done!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Well done. They did that.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Fantastic.- Yeah.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44And I want to show you what a difference this made to Jack's life.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48This is Jack thinking he was never going to see his little piece again.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52And this was Jack overjoyed that his jigsaw was now complete.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Is that somebody telling you this item's gone on long enough?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Somebody talking to me there?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02You're not psychic are you?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Does the name Elvis Presley mean anything to anybody here?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Oh, you're telling me what the jigsaw was called?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Oh, right, yeah. Apparently, news just in...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- Yeah, "the Return of the Prodigal Son".- Yeah!
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- I can read it from here. - LAUGHTER
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I've never been able to read this autocue, I didn't know we had one.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I thought everybody in the middle was just really bright.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30This is 88-year-old jigsaw fanatic Jack Harris,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33who, after spending seven years completing his jigsaw,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35discovered that the final piece was missing.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38The story came about because there was one small space
0:22:38 > 0:22:41that needed to be filled in Mr Harris's jigsaw
0:22:41 > 0:22:45and one far larger space that needed to be filled in national newspapers.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Or, indeed, national television programmes.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51On Monday, as the missing jigsaw piece made national news,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54jigsaw manufacturer Falcon Games told the press...
0:22:58 > 0:23:02However, 24 hours later, a new statement was issued...
0:23:11 > 0:23:15..said the new head of PR, as the old head of PR sat at home in his pyjamas
0:23:15 > 0:23:17and started work on a 5,000-piece jigsaw.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27BUZZER The Queen Mother,
0:23:27 > 0:23:33even though she was Queen and, at one point, empress of half the world, was actually quite frugal.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37When people were watching television, they had to gather round a tiny little telly.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Which she rented and she had only half a corgi.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42That picture there was taken
0:23:42 > 0:23:46seconds before she kicked that corgi over a ten-foot hedge.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51That's not strictly true, this story, is it? That she was frugal.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53It is, according to her former equerry, Ashe Windham.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56He said, whilst staying at her highland retreat,
0:23:56 > 0:24:02apparently she preferred to rent...
0:24:02 > 0:24:06On which she could see the racing as she put a 500 grand bet on
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Filly Boy at Uttoxeter and it went down the tubes.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14What other evidence was there of a frugal and slightly depressing lifestyle?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17When she choked on the fish bone 20 years ago, it wasn't the first time.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19She'd had the same fish back in 1938.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22It was to stop guests using too much hot water.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29A tactic she also employed on the gin bottles when Princess Margaret came to call.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34She was losing out with the telly. If she hasn't got widescreen,
0:24:34 > 0:24:38she'd watch the horse racing and never see who wins. Runs off the end.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- Yeah.- She'd move it across the room as the race went on.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44There's always an answer, isn't there?
0:24:44 > 0:24:49- Very canny, these people. - They didn't get where they are today by marrying people.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53This is the claim by former Royal equerry, Ashe Windham,
0:24:53 > 0:24:58that contrary to her extravagant reputation, the Queen Mother was extremely frugal.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Apparently the Queen Mother rented an ancient television to watch her favourite shows,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05like Antiques Roadshow or, as she called it, Tomorrow's World.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11OK, fingers on buzzers. Here is another picture.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18- BUZZER - Robert.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21It was a seaside town, I think Bournemouth,
0:25:21 > 0:25:25that put a load of sandbags under the sea to create waves...
0:25:25 > 0:25:28To create a surfer's paradise.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31and unfortunately, they've created waves,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- but they're not the kind you can surf on.- You're spot on.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38It was meant to turn Boscombe into this.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44But actually, instead, it created this.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55Would you like to see the councillor responsible for that £3 million mess up?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Yeah, let's bring him out here!
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Here he is.
0:25:58 > 0:26:03We're disappointed that the reef isn't performing better at this stage
0:26:03 > 0:26:05but it is innovative marine engineering.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10I'm not surprised that it needs some optimising.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12LAUGHTER
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Does he work for BT in his spare time?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18According to the Telegraph, the reef is producing...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Are you a surfer, Eamonn?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- Can't swim.- That would give you an edge, wouldn't it?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- Probably. - LAUGHTER
0:26:30 > 0:26:32It'd be exciting, wouldn't it?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35You'd be all right in that water, though.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38No, no, no. I went filming with the Holiday programme to the Dead Sea.
0:26:38 > 0:26:43And they said, "It doesn't matter if you can't swim, everybody floats in the Dead Sea.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44I didn't.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48LAUGHTER
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Surfers responded to the failure of the leak in the strongest possible terms, saying,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55"Yeah, dude, whatever. We'll go to Newquay instead."
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Boscombe Council are considering a change of plan.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03They're now going to turn their waters into a genuine, Florida-style surfer beach environment
0:27:03 > 0:27:06by emptying out a few million barrels of oil.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Which means, at the end of this round, it is...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Ian and Armando on three,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Paul and Robert on four.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16APPLAUSE
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Paul and Robert, your four are...
0:27:25 > 0:27:30Lady Gaga, Turkish Imams, Russell Crowe and Robert Peston.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Russell Crowe was in the news.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36He was interviewed by Mark Lawson on Radio 4, I think
0:27:36 > 0:27:39and walked out because it was questioned
0:27:39 > 0:27:42whether his accent was Irish as Robin Hood.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46So Robert, has anyone ever questioned your vocal delivery?
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Um...well, my...
0:27:50 > 0:27:52We might be on to something here.
0:27:52 > 0:27:58My broadcasting style is... Some people love it.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Some people don't quite love it so much.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01There's been comments.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04You're the Marmite of economics correspondents.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Brown and sticky? What does that mean?
0:28:07 > 0:28:13The Turkish Imams, they're probably chanting early in the morning.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16There's complaints about everyone's vocal inflections
0:28:16 > 0:28:20apart from Lady Gaga who got into trouble for miming.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- Hmm...no. - Lady Gaga doesn't sing at all.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Her voice is genetically modified
0:28:26 > 0:28:29and comes out of a telephone on the top of her head.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33The Russell Crowe thing, he changed his voice several times
0:28:33 > 0:28:37during the film. That's what Lawson said. He was Irish for a bit
0:28:37 > 0:28:39and Northern England for a bit.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Would you say that to his face?
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Is he coming on?
0:28:45 > 0:28:48I think they blew the budget on the sofa,
0:28:48 > 0:28:50but that was money well spent.
0:28:52 > 0:28:58They have all had voice coaching apart from...
0:28:58 > 0:29:00- Robert.- No. - Oh, you've had voice coaching?
0:29:00 > 0:29:04- You haven't?- I haven't, but it's in the cuttings that I have.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Let's say I have had voice coaching.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Apparently he has, but Lady Gaga hasn't
0:29:09 > 0:29:13because she is teaching herself to speak like the Queen.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15The Sun revealed this week
0:29:15 > 0:29:18that the pop sensation is trawling through footage
0:29:18 > 0:29:21of Queen's speeches to perfect a cut-glass accent
0:29:21 > 0:29:24before she tours here next month.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Did anyone see the headline in the Sun which came with this story?
0:29:27 > 0:29:31Was it "PR man phones the Sun's showbiz column"?
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Have a look at this.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38Cos one of her singles, Ian, is called Poker Face.
0:29:38 > 0:29:39I knew that.
0:29:39 > 0:29:40Want to sing it?
0:29:40 > 0:29:45# Poker face you've got a poker face... #
0:29:49 > 0:29:51In Istanbul, Imams are receiving coaching
0:29:51 > 0:29:53to improve their singing voices
0:29:53 > 0:29:58following complaints over their out-of-tune calls to prayer.
0:29:58 > 0:30:03Russell Crowe definitely had voice coaching as his latest role as Robin Hood.
0:30:03 > 0:30:04Who did he base his accent on?
0:30:04 > 0:30:06I know this.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09He said it was based on Michael Parkinson.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Which is why Robin Hood at the opening scene in the forest,
0:30:12 > 0:30:15says, "Ladies and gentlemen, can I welcome Jamie Cullum."
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Robin Hood sounds Irish in this film.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25- Why is that?- He's not very good at accents.
0:30:25 > 0:30:29In a Radio 4 interview, Mark Lawson suggested there were hints of Irish
0:30:29 > 0:30:32in Russell Crowe's portrayal of the Nottingham legend.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34How did the actor respond?
0:30:34 > 0:30:36He stormed out.
0:30:36 > 0:30:37He said to Mark Lawson...
0:30:37 > 0:30:41- IN IRISH ACCENT: - "Don't come that old stuff with me!"
0:30:46 > 0:30:48He hasn't got much support out there.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51One critic at the Cannes Film Festival likened his accent to...
0:30:59 > 0:31:02Voice coaching. Apparently, you do it three times a week.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05One of the many made-up stories you've read about this.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07According to The Independent,
0:31:07 > 0:31:11you have, "undertaken voice-coaching three times a week since joining the BBC."
0:31:11 > 0:31:14- Not true?- Complete rubbish. - Never once.
0:31:14 > 0:31:18- When I...- It's a simple question.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22The rain in Spain...
0:31:22 > 0:31:27When I joined, I had a variety of bits of training.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30All of which were wasted on me, but voice coaching wasn't one of them.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33According to the Independent, since joining the BBC...
0:31:37 > 0:31:39- He hasn't.- It's all bollocks.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42- PROJECTING VOICE:- It's all bollocks!
0:31:42 > 0:31:47I have never attended a voice coaching lesson in my life.
0:31:47 > 0:31:53People of Britain, run for the hills!
0:31:55 > 0:31:58According to the Telegraph...
0:32:03 > 0:32:06My spring hasn't been coiled since 1983.
0:32:06 > 0:32:07Aw!
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Ian and Armando, here is yours.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14David Walliams, 50,000 Hindu couples in Mumbai,
0:32:14 > 0:32:19a robot in Japan, and two Yorkshire terriers in Brazil.
0:32:19 > 0:32:24Marriage? David Walliams got married this week...to a lady.
0:32:26 > 0:32:32- 50,000 Hindu couples got married in a mass marriage.- These dogs. - Did two dogs get married?
0:32:32 > 0:32:38There was a terrier marriage service conducted, exchanged bow wows.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41- GROANS - I'm quoting the paper.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45And the robot in Japan, they've now got a robot that conducts marriages.
0:32:45 > 0:32:50- So the odd one out is?- The robot because it conducts marriages. All the others have got married.
0:32:50 > 0:32:54- Spot on. Well done. - APPLAUSE
0:32:59 > 0:33:03Will we have a look at the robot conducting? Here we go.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05THEY SPEAK IN JAPANESE
0:33:24 > 0:33:26It's going on.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Ah, wasn't that nice.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Lovely.
0:33:32 > 0:33:38Hang on, you're on the wrong programme, we don't go, "Isn't that lovely?" A stupid robot.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42Two Yorkshire terriers, they were called Bruna and Louis.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45They're from Brazil. They were married this weekend.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47Let's have a look at proceedings.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56This reception went on longer than expected because the groom kept retrieving the bouquet.
0:33:58 > 0:34:03So the dogs had a special day. Does anyone know what it involved?
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Taking their owners for help.
0:34:08 > 0:34:14- Having their owners sectioned under the Mental Health Act? - No. There were 200 guests there.
0:34:14 > 0:34:19The bride, she wore a custom-made wedding dress and there was a cake made out of dog food.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22Presumably, the music was by Johann Sebastian Bark.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25GROANS
0:34:25 > 0:34:29Do you think one day we'll replace presenters with robots?
0:34:29 > 0:34:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:35 > 0:34:39As long as you all think you can do it, mate.
0:34:41 > 0:34:46- You see, this wedding wasn't perfect. Something... - No, they were dogs!
0:34:46 > 0:34:50Of course it wasn't perfect. It wasn't a wedding.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Did one of the happy couple shit on the floor?
0:34:54 > 0:34:59- Yeah, and the brides' mother stuck her nose in it. - It was to do with the timing.
0:34:59 > 0:35:05- It was to do with the timing. - Timing?- Yes. Apparently, it should have been in July.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09The reason being, Bruno would be in heat then.
0:35:09 > 0:35:10What - the magazine?
0:35:16 > 0:35:21The answer is they all got married this week apart from the Japanese robot who officiated that wedding.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23According to The Times...
0:35:30 > 0:35:33They've obviously never been to an Irish wedding then.
0:35:35 > 0:35:39Two Yorkshire terriers were given a lavish wedding in Brazil.
0:35:39 > 0:35:45It's the first time the vicar has ever uttered the phrase, "You may now sniff the bride's arse."
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Except there was that Jeremy Kyle programme.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55It's time for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication,
0:35:55 > 0:36:01Meatpaper, the journal of meat culture. Always worth a butcher's, I think.
0:36:01 > 0:36:02And we start with...
0:36:07 > 0:36:09Is it exorcise Dimbleby?
0:36:14 > 0:36:19BBC appoints vicar to bless new broadcasting centre at Salford.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Yes...
0:36:29 > 0:36:31ARMANDO: Nick Clegg.
0:36:33 > 0:36:37It's an antique. It's more dangerous than expensive.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39An old hand grenade. An old bomb.
0:36:44 > 0:36:49This is a Cumbrian man who gave his mum an unexploded World War II bomb to use as a doorstop.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53one of the few ideas Prince Charles hasn't tried yet.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Rumpy pumpy in the duckpond.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08Hanky Panky In The Henhouse starts next week on BBC Three.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13This is from Meatpacker?
0:37:13 > 0:37:14Yeah.
0:37:14 > 0:37:18- Meatpacker?!- Is the paper not called Meatpacker?
0:37:18 > 0:37:20- Meatpaper!- Meatpaper.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Meatpacker?!
0:37:23 > 0:37:25Different thing.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29A wider circle of readership, I think you'll find.
0:37:29 > 0:37:35I've wandered into a zone of which I know very little.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Let me take you by the hand...
0:37:37 > 0:37:40I'll lead you through the backstreets of London
0:37:40 > 0:37:44and show you something that'll make you change your mind.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52This is a rare breed of hybrid chicken that was born
0:37:52 > 0:37:53with two extra funny-looking wings.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56The hybrid chicken is a female.
0:37:56 > 0:37:57Experts say, had it been male,
0:37:57 > 0:38:01it would have been born with two extra nuggets.
0:38:07 > 0:38:12It's from the Sun. Houdini "taught us" everything we know!
0:38:22 > 0:38:23According to the Sun...
0:38:28 > 0:38:30He was returned by the postal workers,
0:38:30 > 0:38:33which was the slowest he had ever travelled.
0:38:40 > 0:38:41Balls of meat!
0:38:41 > 0:38:43When life gives you balls of meat, make meatballs.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45What would balls of meat be called?
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Spheroids.
0:38:49 > 0:38:50Flesh spheroids.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53The waste, the waste, the meat waste is...?
0:38:53 > 0:38:56The meat waste... Slurry, with a fringe on top. Gristle.
0:38:56 > 0:38:57No?
0:38:57 > 0:38:59When life gives you sinews...
0:38:59 > 0:39:03- Tripe!- If life gives you tripe, make meatballs.- What's tripe?
0:39:03 > 0:39:05- Innards.- Offal!- Offal!- Very good.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09According to our Meatpaper - packer - magazine...
0:39:11 > 0:39:15The motto of the National Union of Kebab Shop Owners, as well.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17And finally...
0:39:18 > 0:39:21Fat blokes on trampolines?
0:39:21 > 0:39:22Weebles?
0:39:23 > 0:39:27No, it's a vegetable that a lot of people would think
0:39:27 > 0:39:29doesn't taste very nice.
0:39:29 > 0:39:30- Cauliflower.- Yes!
0:39:30 > 0:39:34- I like a bit of cauliflower. - Apparently, sales have declined.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37It's not fashionable, people don't know how to cook it. Tragic.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39It's very good for you, as well.
0:39:39 > 0:39:40Don't put the curse on it.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43This is news that sales of cauliflowers have dropped
0:39:43 > 0:39:45by 5% in the last year,
0:39:45 > 0:39:49although sales of the vegetable in Scotland have remained steady,
0:39:49 > 0:39:51at zero.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54The final scores, let's look at those.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56Ian and Armando, they're on five.
0:39:56 > 0:39:57Oh! That's ludicrous!
0:39:57 > 0:40:00But stealing it, Paul and Robert on eight!
0:40:00 > 0:40:02Wow! Congratulations.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04APPLAUSE
0:40:09 > 0:40:13Excellent. Before we go, just time for the caption competition.
0:40:13 > 0:40:14Ian and Armando have this.
0:40:16 > 0:40:20ARMANDO: Camerons take a relaxed approach to security.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24Tube fare rises excessive.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26ARMANDO: Where've you put your Oyster card?
0:40:28 > 0:40:32Mind the gap.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Paul and Robert, you get this.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41Squirrel puzzled by mirror.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46One squirrel saying to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, I'm shy."
0:40:46 > 0:40:48- AUDIENCE GROANS - Thank you very much!
0:40:51 > 0:40:54On which note, we say thank you to Ian Hislop and Armando Iannucci,
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Paul Merton and Robert Peston.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58I leave you with news that Lembit Opik reflects
0:40:58 > 0:41:01on what might have been as he starts his first day in his new job.
0:41:05 > 0:41:09Port Stanley hosts the first ever Falkland Islands Gay Pride March.
0:41:12 > 0:41:16At the treasury, the new Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne,
0:41:16 > 0:41:18turns up for his first day at work
0:41:18 > 0:41:20determined not to make any silly mistakes.
0:41:22 > 0:41:26And a secretly taken photograph in Peter Mandelson's garden
0:41:26 > 0:41:29reveals what it took to get Gordon Brown to resign.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Good night.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:48 > 0:41:51E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk