0:00:00 > 0:00:04I'm gauging the temperature. I want to look glamorous so don't want to put on a cardigan!
0:00:04 > 0:00:08I'm trying to work out whether I'm more likely to be cold with fear
0:00:08 > 0:00:10or hot with embarrassment!
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Let's do a straw poll.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Cardy on or off?
0:00:14 > 0:00:16- AUDIENCE:- Off! - Ooh, 'ello!
0:00:17 > 0:00:21Who let this crowd in?
0:00:21 > 0:00:22I think if you look at me,
0:00:22 > 0:00:28you'll find that the choice between cardigan and looking sexy doesn't have to be made!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Cardigan on or cardigan off?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35AUDIENCE: On!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18I'm Benedict Cumberbatch. In the news this week,
0:01:18 > 0:01:23to show there are no hard feelings, David Miliband takes brother Ed for a ride in his new speedboat.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35At the Commonwealth Games, organisers at the closing ceremony
0:01:35 > 0:01:38are relieved that nothing truly disastrous happened.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Too soon?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52And in Tokyo, inventors of the latest hi-tech toy, the kick-bot,
0:01:52 > 0:01:57admit it was a mistake to base the software on the England team's recent performance.
0:02:06 > 0:02:12Using techniques I learned filming Sherlock Holmes, I can deduce that the woman on Ian's team
0:02:12 > 0:02:14is a columnist, presenter and poker player.
0:02:14 > 0:02:19How, you may ask? Simply by looking at the card given to me by the researcher!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21It's Victoria Coren!
0:02:21 > 0:02:24APPLAUSE
0:02:26 > 0:02:33Similarly, on Paul's team, "Some comedian bloke what was good last time he was on the show."
0:02:33 > 0:02:36It's Jon Richardson.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38APPLAUSE
0:02:39 > 0:02:44And we start with the bigger stories of the week. Paul and Jon, take a look at this.
0:02:44 > 0:02:51Yes, this is the ongoing story of the happy news of the miners being released.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Viewers are getting fed up of the coverage as it's all rather similar.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58So the last 15 miners are going to be part of a lottery game
0:02:58 > 0:03:02where they hold up a number, and if you've got the number at home...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Oh, what was that?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Somebody winning the lottery!
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- People are gradually coming out of the mine, one by one.- Yes.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14The ultimate feel-good story about the release of the trapped miners.
0:03:14 > 0:03:20To everyone's delight, maybe except for Sky News who were probably hoping for at least two deaths!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23The numbers are fascinating, though.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26If you look at it, there are 33 miners
0:03:26 > 0:03:30and they were released on 13/10/2010.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- If you take off the 2000 and just add the ten...- Yes.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- It adds up to 33.- Yeah.- So...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- So... - LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:42So if you're thinking of playing Chilean miner bingo, put it on number three!
0:03:42 > 0:03:47"Here comes number 15. First time this week."
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Do you know what the sequence of events was for each rescued miner?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56They got in the thing, they took 'em out, and they got out the thing.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Pretty much!
0:04:00 > 0:04:04But also embraced their relatives, then embraced the president,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07then go, "Gracias, Chile!"
0:04:07 > 0:04:09to the crowd.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11And then they got the next one up.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13You don't get long in the limelight!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Their relatives went the day the thing collapsed
0:04:16 > 0:04:18and some were there the whole time.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21That's why they've called it Camp Hope.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Which sounds like a rubbish name until you think the alternative was "Mine Camp"!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28LAUGHTER
0:04:32 > 0:04:37It's not just the relatives. The mistresses was the big story a few weeks ago.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Which might come up.- Women were turning up who weren't the wives.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43That's why the miners came out in sunglasses!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46One of the papers ran with...
0:04:51 > 0:04:56Ironically, his wife would have got to call his mistress a gold digger!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I was quite impressed because I thought, you know,
0:04:59 > 0:05:03I don't know what they pay miners out there - 3 a month?
0:05:03 > 0:05:07And they've been able to support a wife, a family and a demanding Chilean mistress!
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Mind you, they've not spent much in the last three months themselves!
0:05:11 > 0:05:16- Kept their pennies for Christmas! - They get more attractive the longer they're down there.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20One guy proposed to his wife before this happened and she said no.
0:05:20 > 0:05:27Then she proposed to him while he was trapped. She was saying, "I fancy you when you're buried!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30"I really love you when you're dead."
0:05:31 > 0:05:35They kept going on about Christmas. It was a promise, they'd be out by Christmas.
0:05:35 > 0:05:42These people have been trapped in a confined space, looking at the same faces, day after day.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Bickering and fighting and trying not to kill each other.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49And now they're going to have a family Christmas!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Who's coming out of this well?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- Everyone!- That's true, correct. But...
0:05:54 > 0:05:56It's not a well, it's a shaft!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Thanks very much! - Ian's off to a flying start.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04- The foreman is very heroic, isn't he?- He sorted them into groups
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- and they played dominoes and kept fit.- Yeah, they kept fit.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I heard they carried on mining as well!
0:06:10 > 0:06:16If this studio goes down, and someone said, "Carry on doing jokes for a few months while we sort it."
0:06:17 > 0:06:19No!
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Do we know what's happening to the mine shaft, talking about money?
0:06:25 > 0:06:31It's being turned into a theme park. It's a fantastic ride!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- One way!- It's quite slow!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36The queues are horrendous!
0:06:36 > 0:06:42It's likely to stay a mine as the drilling company have found massive reserves
0:06:42 > 0:06:45of gold and silver and copper during the rescue drilling.
0:06:45 > 0:06:51I'm even more distrusting they've found more gold and everyone's going "Chile's brilliant."
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I smell a rat.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Do you?- And the Chilean president used to own a TV company.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I'm just saying, if this was an episode of Scooby-Doo.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07He'd bring his mask off and Murdoch's underneath going, "Ha, ha! And you watched it for hours!"
0:07:07 > 0:07:13I know what you mean. The idea that the company that's responsible for the collapse
0:07:13 > 0:07:18has found more gold as a result of the collapse and is taking the credit for the rescue!
0:07:18 > 0:07:22"We got these guys out of the ground where we put them."
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- Slightly dodgy. - What is Ariel Dacona?
0:07:26 > 0:07:31- Is he a father?- He is indeed a father. His wife gave birth via VT link to the mineshaft.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Was the baby conceived in the same way?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I dread to think!
0:07:38 > 0:07:44Ariel tuned in just in time to see the president leaning into shot to kiss his daughter.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50- The Mail...- Yeah.- Daily Mail. - The voice of sanity! - The voice of sanity, yes.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- They've criticised... - "Foreigners down hole!"
0:07:54 > 0:07:57That's the correct answer. Ten points.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01The Mail criticised the size of the BBC presence there.
0:08:01 > 0:08:08- Do you know how big it was?- Um... - They can't find a tragedy that doesn't involve attacking the BBC!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"End of the world." BBC tried to cover it.
0:08:11 > 0:08:17I don't know. It's a big story. I suppose the BBC sent quite a few people there.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- Probably moaning about the number of journalists. How many? 12?- 25?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- 25.- That's spot on.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26The 24-hour news channels have been enjoying this story,
0:08:26 > 0:08:31but there was a hint they were running out of things to say.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36REPORTER: 'So far the only miner to emerge from the tube with a beard.'
0:08:36 > 0:08:40AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:08:45 > 0:08:50This is the amazing rescue of "Los 33-os", the 33 Chilean miners.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54One miner who may not want to return to the surface is Yonni Barrios
0:08:54 > 0:08:58whose wife is furious after finding out he has a mistress.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Well, at least for the last 70 days, she knows where he's been!
0:09:02 > 0:09:05According to The Times...
0:09:09 > 0:09:12To imagine what that's like, take a trip on the Northern Line!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Ian and Victoria, here are yours.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Finishing touches. Spot the balls.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Ooh. Reservoir Postman!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Another marriage!
0:09:29 > 0:09:33"Hooray! We're going to be in debt for our whole lives. Oh, good!"
0:09:33 > 0:09:38- Where do you want to start? A new Labour leader?- Let's start on the new Labour leader, yeah.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43Let's have a look at some of the exciting faces who are in the new Labour cabinet.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I'm worried. In my pre-recording anxiety dream,
0:09:46 > 0:09:51somebody asked me, "Which one's Yvette Cooper and which one's Teresa May?"
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- I woke up screaming. It's going to happen now, isn't it? - It is happening.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Victoria, who's this?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:09:59 > 0:10:02It's neither of the two you feared it might be!
0:10:02 > 0:10:07- I'll give you a clue. It's Jim Murphy, is his name. - A pretty good clue!
0:10:07 > 0:10:11- It is!- I could almost make a guess after that clue!
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- Anybody know who this is? - Is that Mary Creagh?- Hooray!
0:10:15 > 0:10:18How do you know her?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- I read the papers!- Oh, yeah!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26It's one of those little tricks after 300 years you pick up!
0:10:26 > 0:10:30They're all the same! Both Milibands, Clegg and Cameron, identical!
0:10:30 > 0:10:35- Imagine being at school with them. They'd all be "that guy". - Can you imagine that, Ian?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Some of them. Not Ed, obviously. He went to a comprehensive!
0:10:45 > 0:10:49At least when it was Kinnock and Thatcher, you knew the difference.
0:10:49 > 0:10:55- You can show us 18 pictures of these ministers and shadow ministers... - Only one more. Who's this?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Phil Miliband!
0:10:58 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER
0:11:03 > 0:11:09He's the even older brother. He was really cross when they both stood against him!
0:11:10 > 0:11:14No, this is Ivan Lewis. Here is a familiar face.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18- Is that the woman that put the cat in the bin?- No, no.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- This is Gilliane Duffy... - You've made her sort of French - "Gilliane Duffy".
0:11:25 > 0:11:32- I think she's called Gillian Duffy! - Yes, she'd be very angry about anything other anglicising her name.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35So Gillian Duffy.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41The woman who Gordon Brown was overheard calling bigoted.
0:11:41 > 0:11:46She was at the Labour conference and took the opportunity to have an in-depth discussion with Tony Benn.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50I've two grandchildren and I'm concerned at their future.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55'Settling in for the speech, Mrs Duffy shared her thoughts with Tony Benn.'
0:11:55 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Oh, he's asleep!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09It's the honest response to the public's opinions.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Clegg and Cameron were meant to be different. Leaders of opposing parties.
0:12:16 > 0:12:22They're more identical by the day. Clegg says it's the right government for the right time.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It's a seedy way to dignify opportunism.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28He would have made a pact with the Klingons if it had helped!
0:12:28 > 0:12:33I don't know, I think the Klingon manifesto is pretty good.
0:12:33 > 0:12:39I disagree. The Klingons have shown they're bent on world domination so I'm glad the Lib Dems are with them.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46The Klingons get the Lib Dems to make the policy announcements! If they're going to blow up a planet,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49they say, "Get the Lib Dems to announce it!"
0:12:49 > 0:12:55The Lib Dem party is the equivalent of the guy on Star Trek who you've never seen before.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00He's the first one to get killed. That's the Liberal Democrats in this scenario!
0:13:00 > 0:13:04New shadow cabinet, Alan Johnson, was made shadow chancellor.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07What did he say his first act was going to be?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- His first act was going to be to read up an economics primer!- Yes.
0:13:11 > 0:13:17- I haven't made that up.- You paraphrased it slightly, but that's pretty much exactly what he said.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Good luck, mate!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- Meanwhile...- There are two schools of thought on that.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32It's quite embarrassing to have your major office of state
0:13:32 > 0:13:37given to a man who has no maths O-level and doesn't understand figures.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41But then, we did have Gordon Brown in charge, who was an economist,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43and was meant to be good with figures
0:13:43 > 0:13:45and we're where we are now.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48So take your pick. I'll go for the postman!
0:13:48 > 0:13:52The economy will recover. Probably not today, maybe lunchtime tomorrow.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59At the Tory conference, Eric Pickles, the new community secretary was there.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03What were people betting Pickles would do at some point that week?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Get his own postal code?
0:14:05 > 0:14:06LAUGHTER
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Go, "Bloody onion rings!"
0:14:14 > 0:14:17It was Ladbrokes offering odds on him being spotted
0:14:17 > 0:14:19in a curry house in Birmingham...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22..during the week at the conference.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26What happened? He spotted himself in a curry house
0:14:26 > 0:14:29and posted the picture on Twitter.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31LAUGHTER
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Do you reckon when he goes for a curry he says, "Can I have some poppadoms?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38"And you haven't got any pickles, have you?"
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Anybody know the name of the curry house in question?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Edwina's Curries?
0:14:48 > 0:14:52There is a restaurant in south-east London called The Taste of Lewisham.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56And I'll say no more!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59But I've never been tempted to pop in!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02There's another restaurant on the way to Stoke Newington
0:15:02 > 0:15:06which has combined the two words of chicken and pizza and put them together.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08And the place is called Chick-Pizz!
0:15:11 > 0:15:15P-I-Z-Z. Chick-Pizz. There's never anybody in there!
0:15:15 > 0:15:20Because no matter how drunk you are, you still think, "Chick-Pizz?"
0:15:22 > 0:15:28But I'm sure it's lovely, in case the lawyer's watching. If he's not watching, I'm sure it's awful!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- Anyone want to know the answer? - Yes, we do.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37It should have been Poppadom Preach!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:44 > 0:15:47That's Jim Sweeney's joke. How are you, Jim?
0:15:47 > 0:15:53According to the Daily Mail, Eric Pickles did something in William Hague's hotel room.
0:15:56 > 0:16:01Around 25 years ago. Anyone remember or know what that was?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- He didn't share a hotel room with him?- He did share a room.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09They would look like Planes, Trains and Automobiles together.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Just imagine Hague shouting at him in the morning.
0:16:11 > 0:16:17"If you're going to..." That's a dreadful impression and I immediately retract this entire bit.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- Just swear, then they can't use it. - Balls, fannies.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Sorry, that's the Home and Foreign Office!
0:16:25 > 0:16:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:31 > 0:16:34That was a trap. It's past 9.15. They can use it!
0:16:36 > 0:16:41For a prank - in inverted commas - oh, those witty Tories!
0:16:41 > 0:16:45He removed all the furniture from Hague's room, including the bed.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48So when Hague got back later, he had to sleep on the floor.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51How could you remove all the furniture?
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- What did he do with it?- I think he's using "removed" in the archaic sense of "ate".
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Boris Johnson was at the conference, too.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Let's see the masterful way Boris manages to deflect Paxman's questions.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13First by throwing in baffling classical terms and then hijacking the camera.
0:17:13 > 0:17:20You chose this day of all days on which so many families are going to be losing their child benefit
0:17:20 > 0:17:23to say let's not be beastly to bankers!
0:17:23 > 0:17:28I hesitate to accuse you of ignoratio elenchi...
0:17:28 > 0:17:31It says up there...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33For the third time in this interview...
0:17:33 > 0:17:36You are paid a very considerable sum by the BBC,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39the quantity of which we have yet to discover...
0:17:39 > 0:17:42LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:17:42 > 0:17:44APPLAUSE
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Some ministers rely on more everyday terminology than Boris's.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56Here's children's minister Tim Loughton being asked about the child benefit cut.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I'm very happy with the policy that George Osborne announced.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02It's tough, it's a difficult choice, but it's there.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- End of.- It doesn't need a review or looking at?- End of.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- You said you'd see what comes along...- End of.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11End of.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- Are you going to try and...- End of.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Your career? End of!
0:18:17 > 0:18:23Sorry, when I introduced him as children's minister, it should have been childish minister
0:18:23 > 0:18:25being asked about benefit cuts.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30It's horrible when they talk. The worst part was Cameron talking about the football.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34He went, "It was dreadful watching them slot another one past our lads."
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Eughh!
0:18:36 > 0:18:41It's like meeting a girlfriend's dad and he leans in and goes, "So, do you like bums or titties?"
0:18:41 > 0:18:44APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Why did David Cameron single out this girl?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53There's something missing in that photograph!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- It's her teeth.- It is. - Is she the girl
0:18:56 > 0:19:02who gave the money that she'd got from the tooth fairy, she sent it in?
0:19:02 > 0:19:06She did. She offered a pound that she got from the tooth fairy.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09You'd want more than a pound for a gap like that!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Maybe it's taxable. "One for the government and another five for me!"
0:19:17 > 0:19:19But she did it...
0:19:21 > 0:19:26- Quite sweet, isn't it?- Bet that's made you feel guilty now, Mr Jon!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29You'll find what she actually said was "Pay for jobth."
0:19:34 > 0:19:39A sweet little girl of six still believes in a Conservative government!
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- There have been two big policy rows recently.- Child benefit.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48And how to pay for higher education.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53In one case, you're not going to get it
0:19:53 > 0:19:55above a certain level.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58And in the other case, your children will have to pay.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00So they're both solved. End of!
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- They've saved a billion pounds. - And they're spending 13 billion
0:20:05 > 0:20:08on a fortnight of sport in 2012!
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Yeah. Good point.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:16 > 0:20:21Tuition fees. Raising the cap on fees could mean students incurring twice the debt they currently do.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Not funny, but topical.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- Nick Clegg's in a pickle... - It is quite funny.- In what sense?
0:20:26 > 0:20:31The Lib Dems said before the election "Absolutely we will not raise tuition fees.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34"We pledge we will not raise tuition fees."
0:20:34 > 0:20:38And now, as a sign that they've become proper politicians,
0:20:38 > 0:20:40they've abandoned that pledge
0:20:40 > 0:20:42and increased tuition fees.
0:20:42 > 0:20:48The man that they got to review university fees has been given 18 honorary doctorates.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53He's got no idea what it's like to get a degree. He keeps getting given them.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57The man they got to investigate public finance waste, Philip Green,
0:20:57 > 0:21:02avoided £285 million-worth of tax by putting his assets in his wife's name.
0:21:02 > 0:21:07They might as well get Karen Matthews to investigate how families
0:21:07 > 0:21:10could further reach their budget in hard times.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14How can you trust a man whose tax bill is 285 million
0:21:14 > 0:21:16and goes, "It's ridiculous I'd pay that."
0:21:16 > 0:21:20You pay that cos you earned 1.2 billion, you fat, greedy shit!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22APPLAUSE
0:21:25 > 0:21:30It's all change in British politics. Miliband has appointed a new front-bench team.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33According to the Telegraph:
0:21:37 > 0:21:41..with the exception of Boris Johnson when his wife comes home early!
0:21:45 > 0:21:50They promised I wouldn't be forced into doing any painful puns regarding my doing Sherlock Holmes,
0:21:50 > 0:21:56so, without any further ado, let's move on to Round Two, "the Round of the Baskervilles".
0:21:57 > 0:21:59LAUGHTER
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Buzz when you know what the story is.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05HOUND HOWLS
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Is this toilets?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Yes, it's someone flushing my credibility down the loo!
0:22:13 > 0:22:18We can't exactly do a round on the Terence Rattigan you've just done at The National!
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Ooh, thank you, Ian. No, we can't.
0:22:21 > 0:22:26- It was very good.- You're very kind. Thank you.- It's over.- It's over.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- Is it to do with the Commonwealth Games?- Yes, it is.
0:22:31 > 0:22:37I was nearly interested in it, this time. There was loads of scandal and the rooms fell down,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39there were dogs on the pitch.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- Did you stop watching once the sport began?- Yeah.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Originally in the village, they were worried because one of the inspectors
0:22:46 > 0:22:49said there was excrement where it shouldn't be.
0:22:49 > 0:22:55Not a great description of your accommodation for the forthcoming weeks.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Then the toilet theme continued in that a number of swimmers were ill.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03They had to finish swimming and then run to the toilet.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06The 100-yard dash became the 150-yard dash.
0:23:06 > 0:23:12What I liked was the organiser of the Commonwealth Games, his speech for the opening ceremony
0:23:12 > 0:23:15thanked Princess Diana for going.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19We know one thing about him, he doesn't read the Daily Express!
0:23:21 > 0:23:25The Commonwealth Games, aimed to encourage the spread of democracy,
0:23:25 > 0:23:29human rights, world peace and laughing at incompetent foreigners!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31They weren't just incompetent, though.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35They weren't so sweet when you saw the attempts to build the stadium on time,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38which involved very small children.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40They got some children to help.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45It's like Blue Peter when you send off for a badge to build Guide Dogs for the Blind.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49At least they don't rip their teeth out for cash!
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Were there any other problems with scoring and timekeeping?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Yes. Problems scoring and timekeeping.
0:23:58 > 0:24:03One boxer was ruled out because he turned up 24 hours too late.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08And somebody else was given a score of 104 in croquet, which is technically impossible.
0:24:08 > 0:24:14This is extraordinary. No-one could tell 400-metre runner Tom Druce if he'd qualified for the semi-finals.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17According to the Mirror...
0:24:22 > 0:24:24He did qualify, though, didn't he?
0:24:24 > 0:24:30That would be worse. To phone your mum and say, "Did I qualify?" "No."
0:24:30 > 0:24:33According to the Sun...
0:24:37 > 0:24:41After which Prince Charles came out of the lavatory saying,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44"I should never have drunk that tap water."
0:24:44 > 0:24:50To boost audiences, the organisers gave out thousands of free tickets to primary school children,
0:24:50 > 0:24:54which sadly they couldn't use because most couldn't get the time off work!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:02 > 0:25:09This is the North Korean or South Korean - I can never remember - North Korean, North Korean dictator.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Well, I'm not a diplomat. I don't have to visit them.
0:25:13 > 0:25:19This is Kim Joo Ling, whatever his name is, and that's his son
0:25:19 > 0:25:21who he's had sewn onto his lapel.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23LAUGHTER
0:25:23 > 0:25:28They sat in the Korean town square and watched these idiots parading up and down
0:25:28 > 0:25:31with their boots, identical marching and stuff.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- A ludicrous display of conformity. - Yes.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38That's what it's about. Let's get the North Korean names straight.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43- Who's this? That's Kim Il-sung. - That's the father. - Previous dictator.- Right.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- That's Kim Jong-il.- Yeah.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Looking a little bit... A little bit lonely.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52LAUGHTER
0:25:52 > 0:25:54And now for his son,
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- Kim Jong-un.- He looks like he might bring hope and optimism to a...
0:25:58 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:26:01 > 0:26:03So who's this, then?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07It's not Danny Dyer.
0:26:09 > 0:26:14- Is that the other son? - It is the other son. Kim Jong-nam.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16He's not got the job as next dictator.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21- They gave it to the younger son because the father didn't like him. - Do you know why?
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Was it the hat?
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Did he dislike him because he's got a small lampshade tied to his finger?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32A lot of fathers, that'll put them right off you.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34"Hello, Daddy."
0:26:34 > 0:26:41No. In 2001 he was caught trying to sneak into Japan on a false passport. Do you know why?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44To get out of North Korea.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- To do what?- Did he want to buy evil Western clothes?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- To visit McDonald's?- Very close.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- JON:- Burger King?
0:26:53 > 0:26:58- No, it's not to do with any of a multitude of choice restaurants... - Chicken-Pizz.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Yeah, Chick-Pizz.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Chicken-Pizz sounds horrible!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12He wanted to visit Disneyland Tokyo.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- Aw!- And there's another older brother, too.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20- Kim Jong-chul. Why's he not going to take over?- Is he dead?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22No, he's said to be...
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Do we have a picture so we may judge this man?
0:27:27 > 0:27:32Sadly not. But imagine the one with the lampshade in a dress, that might do it.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Oh, sorry!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I was right over the border, then!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44In more ways than one!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Kim Jong-un has got the North Korean nod.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- Here he is strutting his stuff. - Go on.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53There he is.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57He's getting a lick on.
0:27:57 > 0:28:02Is that the best we've got of him, walking from one bit to another bit?
0:28:02 > 0:28:07No-one had heard of him until his father wheeled him out and said, "This is your new leader.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09"I'm feeling a bit peaky."
0:28:09 > 0:28:14He made him a four-star general one day and said next day, "He's going to take over."
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- How long has he been a public figure?- This week.
0:28:17 > 0:28:22- Almost. Two weeks.- Two weeks. He's like the Milibands. You'd never heard of them, had you?
0:28:22 > 0:28:26So ITV had a man in the field there.
0:28:26 > 0:28:32The intrepid reporter attempted to assess the popularity of the Kims. Here's how he did it.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35'There are no opinion polls in this country of dictators.
0:28:35 > 0:28:40'But I did get a chance to carry out an extremely unscientific measure
0:28:40 > 0:28:43'of the young general's popularity.'
0:28:43 > 0:28:47Let's see how popular the new leader will be.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Kim Jong-sung.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51MILD APPLAUSE
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Kim Jong-il. WEAK APPLAUSE
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Kim Jong-un.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57SLIGHTLY STRONGER APPLAUSE
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Much more popular.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07At least they applauded, though.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Imagine taking a group of British people and going, "David Cameron."
0:29:11 > 0:29:14"Nick Clegg."
0:29:14 > 0:29:16ONE PERSON APPLAUDS
0:29:16 > 0:29:18That actually is Nick Clegg!
0:29:20 > 0:29:26There are other military-orientated countries also fond of parading.
0:29:26 > 0:29:30The Russians. What did we find out this week about some of their equipment?
0:29:30 > 0:29:33- It's made of cardboard.- Yeah. - No, that's not right.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35It fires cuddles.
0:29:36 > 0:29:40We don't know what the opposite of being metal is.
0:29:40 > 0:29:45It's inflatable. They've been stockpiling inflatable planes and tanks as decoys.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49Here's a model of a T-80 tank being inflated.
0:29:56 > 0:30:01God, we've got the most special footage in the world in this week's show(!)
0:30:01 > 0:30:06One bloke walking across a car park and a tank slowly inflating.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Is there any chance - I know that heaven isn't here on earth -
0:30:09 > 0:30:12but can we see that man crossing the car park once more?
0:30:12 > 0:30:17There's something so funny about it, it'll occur to us one day what it is!
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Put the Benny Hill music on it!
0:30:21 > 0:30:25We can do that bit ourselves, when it comes on.
0:30:26 > 0:30:27And go!
0:30:27 > 0:30:31PAUL MIMICS BENNY HILL THEME
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Where's the nurse? Where's the nurse in suspenders?
0:30:39 > 0:30:44This is the unveiling of Kim Jong-un as the successor to Kim Jong-il.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48Chief of the North Korean army, Ri Jong-ho, had a message for the nation:
0:30:58 > 0:31:02Adding lol, smiley face, x x x.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07HOUND HOWLS
0:31:07 > 0:31:10- VICTORIA:- Is it the new Queen Elizabeth?
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Yes, the new cruise ship, the Queen Elizabeth,
0:31:13 > 0:31:14christened by the Queen.
0:31:14 > 0:31:20The guest list read like a list of people you didn't realise were still alive. Sir Jimmy Savile,
0:31:20 > 0:31:24Vera Duckworth from Coronation Street, and Alan Whicker.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28All very glamorous. Who do you normally have in your front room?
0:31:30 > 0:31:31Me.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33LAUGHTER
0:31:33 > 0:31:38- True, yeah.- What did Sir Jimmy Savile have to say of the liner
0:31:38 > 0:31:41which had just arrived from Italy where it was built?
0:31:41 > 0:31:43JON IMITATES JIMMY SAVILE
0:31:46 > 0:31:49Yes, which translated as...
0:31:53 > 0:31:55It's not all been good news for the Queen.
0:31:55 > 0:32:00- How did she end up beneath Lady Gaga this week?- Most influential women in the world.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02- Made up by somebody. - Yes, she came 42nd.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Lady Gaga was number seven.
0:32:04 > 0:32:09- And the reason why she's more powerful?- She's good for the butcher's business?
0:32:09 > 0:32:14She reinvigorated pop music. And Michelle Obama, why was she top?
0:32:14 > 0:32:17She reinvigorated...
0:32:17 > 0:32:22It literally said something like "She shares pillow talk with the President."
0:32:22 > 0:32:26- Eugh!- It was because of who she was married to, and because she has good arms!
0:32:29 > 0:32:33Do lists like this marginalise women? Paul, Ian, Jon? What do you think?
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Time now for the odd one out round.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42Just one between you this week.
0:32:42 > 0:32:43A Hampshire police E-fit.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47Bruce Willis. Natasha Gregory's cat
0:32:47 > 0:32:50and the staff of the Olilia holiday resort in the Maldives.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53- Blondes.- Don't get too excited!
0:32:56 > 0:32:59A Lithuanian travel agency is launching a blonde-only resort.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03- That is true.- And the cat has been dyed by its owner.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06And this man in the E-fit had dyed hair.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10- Has Bruce Willis dyed his hair? - He was in "Dye Hard"!
0:33:14 > 0:33:17It's a gritty film about a hair salon!
0:33:18 > 0:33:21"She can't take no more peroxide!"
0:33:24 > 0:33:28- I think Jon's got it.- Yes, they've all been criticised for their hair colours
0:33:28 > 0:33:31apart from Bruce Willis, who doesn't have any hair.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35Although he did recently wear a rather fetching meat hairpiece.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Like to see Bruce wearing his meat hat?
0:33:38 > 0:33:42- No, thank you.- Good. Unfortunately, we're not allowed to.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45A Lithuanian travel agency has been criticised
0:33:45 > 0:33:49for plans to open a holiday resort staffed entirely by blonde women.
0:33:49 > 0:33:53According to one newspaper, the resort is going to have...
0:33:53 > 0:33:54I might go!
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Could be interesting!
0:34:01 > 0:34:03I think I'll give it a miss.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:34:07 > 0:34:13Do you remember those stories about how much male pilots go out boozing the night before a flight?
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Nice, young blonde lady pilot. That's what you need.
0:34:16 > 0:34:17For flying the plane!
0:34:20 > 0:34:23The Hampshire police E-fit.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27They issued an E-fit picture trying to trace a burglar
0:34:27 > 0:34:29who stole £60 from a woman in Stockbridge.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Here is the full picture.
0:34:34 > 0:34:39- They did call him the lettuce man, didn't they? Or lettuce-head. - Lettuce-head.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43Apparently when they asked him why he sprayed his hair like lettuce,
0:34:43 > 0:34:45he just said, "Cos"!
0:34:45 > 0:34:47LAUGHTER
0:34:48 > 0:34:50So I'll probably go.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54And there was no word on how he was dressed!
0:34:57 > 0:34:58I'll come with you!
0:34:59 > 0:35:03We also had Natasha Gregory's cat.
0:35:03 > 0:35:08She only gave an interview to the Sun explaining her actions in dying it pink. Anyone know?
0:35:08 > 0:35:11"I need medical help."
0:35:11 > 0:35:18- How do you dye a cat pink, anyway? - Get a candy floss machine and stick your cat on a stick.- Yeah.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23- That would do it.- She said...
0:35:26 > 0:35:29So she failed!
0:35:31 > 0:35:33- The RSPC returned the cat.- The RSPC?
0:35:34 > 0:35:38The Royal Society for the Protection of Cruelty!
0:35:40 > 0:35:44- The RSPCA returned the cat... - Oh, has it expanded?
0:35:46 > 0:35:48They've merged with the AA!
0:35:50 > 0:35:54- The RSPCA returned the cat... - I'm Felix and I have a problem!
0:35:59 > 0:36:05- What did they say about the cat's condition?- He's in the pink!
0:36:06 > 0:36:08- Sorry!- They say it...
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Which is so important to cats.
0:36:16 > 0:36:20The RSPCA have washed the cat and it's now been returned to its normal colour.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24All except for a stubborn pink spot right underneath the tail.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Which may need a wire brush.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34The missing words round this week features as its guest publication
0:36:34 > 0:36:38The Pipe Club of Norfolk newsletter.
0:36:38 > 0:36:43I'd hate you to think that The Pipe Club of Norfolk is nothing more than a bunch of rustic yokels
0:36:43 > 0:36:45puffing away on silly pipes.
0:36:45 > 0:36:46It is.
0:36:48 > 0:36:49We start with...
0:36:54 > 0:36:57- VICTORIA:- I do anything for love, but I don't do that.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00LAUGHTER
0:37:00 > 0:37:04I do occasionally use the first person pronoun instead of the normal "one"
0:37:04 > 0:37:06but I don't like it.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11I do reign, but I don't rule.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13Constitutional joke.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Glad you're with me there(!)
0:37:18 > 0:37:19The answer is...
0:37:22 > 0:37:23She just has!
0:37:23 > 0:37:28Actually, she did. At a recent state banquet, Nicolas Sarkozy asked the Queen
0:37:28 > 0:37:32if she ever got bored. The Queen replied, "Yes, but I don't let on."
0:37:32 > 0:37:35She then yawned and fell asleep in her soup!
0:37:35 > 0:37:36Next.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43- VICTORIA:- Treble 18, single 11, double top.
0:37:45 > 0:37:50- JON:- ..ended with multiple injuries due to difficulty of throwing darts in a smoky room.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54They have to smoke outside, apparently!
0:37:57 > 0:38:00They don't throw the darts through the window, do they?
0:38:00 > 0:38:06..ended with no harm done by a group of eccentric but quite pleasant people.
0:38:06 > 0:38:10..ended with disappointment as nobody remembered to bring the board.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20A proper headline!
0:38:20 > 0:38:23Complimentary sandwiches would be welcome. "Hello, how did you do?
0:38:23 > 0:38:26"Did you win? I'm made of cheese."
0:38:29 > 0:38:34The darts tournament was won by Len who celebrated the only way pipe-smokers know how.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36With a damn good shag!
0:38:36 > 0:38:38Next...
0:38:40 > 0:38:43- JON:- Pavarotti's autopsy reveals...
0:38:45 > 0:38:47LAUGHTER
0:38:47 > 0:38:51The third day of Christmas my true love gave to me.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54# Three musical dwarves. #
0:38:54 > 0:38:57- #- One was four foot two, one was three
0:38:57 > 0:39:00- #- And the other one was...- #
0:39:00 > 0:39:03The answer is...
0:39:09 > 0:39:11- JON:- Huge mirror in the sky.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17- VICTORIA:- Disastrous drop in pipe sales?
0:39:17 > 0:39:21- It is something to do with pipes. - Plastic pipes? Cardboard pipes?
0:39:21 > 0:39:24- It's similar.- Cardboard pipes?!
0:39:24 > 0:39:27They're cheap and they're dangerous!
0:39:27 > 0:39:31It's a design flaw like having fireworks that fit in your trousers!
0:39:31 > 0:39:33I got that.
0:39:43 > 0:39:44Next...
0:39:49 > 0:39:50The wife.
0:39:52 > 0:39:56Is this a footballer? Is it "Hookers is bad for..."
0:39:58 > 0:40:00The answer is...
0:40:03 > 0:40:07This is a woman who shops so much at IKEA that her marriage has collapsed.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16So the final scores are Ian and Victoria, five.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Paul and Jon, six.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20APPLAUSE
0:40:20 > 0:40:21Boo!
0:40:23 > 0:40:26I leave you with news that at a London sperm clinic
0:40:26 > 0:40:29another delivery is handed over by the star donor.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36In Chile, at a slightly smaller mining disaster,
0:40:36 > 0:40:39the rescue operation is not quite so high-tech.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45And in London, a "clear-the-air" meeting begins to falter
0:40:45 > 0:40:50as the debate turns once again to who broke the plastic horse in Buckaroo.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:58 > 0:40:59Good night.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:35 > 0:41:39Do we have to do that whole bit or just what I said about Philip Green?
0:41:40 > 0:41:44- I said that, though, didn't I? - Not in a good legal way.
0:41:45 > 0:41:50- Does that mean that's going to air that bit?- Yes.- Where I called him a fat, greedy shit?
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Uh-oh!
0:41:53 > 0:41:56I can't get banned from Top Man! Where will I get my cardigans?
0:41:56 > 0:41:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE