0:00:02 > 0:00:05Well done for getting here. Who has come the furthest during this Tube strike?
0:00:05 > 0:00:09Not that you'd know, I suppose James, where have you come from?
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- I've come from Ibiza. - He's come from Ibiza.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16What, on the Northern Line? Exactly.
0:00:16 > 0:00:23This programme contains some strong language
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Chris Addison.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00In the news, after accidentally spilling soup over the Director General,
0:01:00 > 0:01:06political editor Nick Robinson fears he may have slipped down the pecking order for big investigations.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Who designed the Angel Of The North?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16APPLAUSE
0:01:16 > 0:01:21At an IT conference, one expert can't help noticing the guest speaker is using a limited edition,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24high-def app on the new multi-core smart tablet
0:01:24 > 0:01:27with micro-channel architecture and cross-network management protocol.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40And at a house in Wisconsin there's evidence that the higher
0:01:40 > 0:01:44quality of food available to rats is improving their brain power.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:04With Paul Merton is the BBC's Political Editor
0:02:04 > 0:02:07who once responded to a jibe about his bald head
0:02:07 > 0:02:10from George W Bush by saying, "I didn't know you cared."
0:02:10 > 0:02:12To which Bush replied, "I don't."
0:02:12 > 0:02:17Please welcome the only person on the planet EVER to be outsmarted by George W Bush...
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Nick Robinson.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23APPLAUSE
0:02:23 > 0:02:24I'm sure that's not true.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29And with Ian Hislop tonight, a musician and former soldier
0:02:29 > 0:02:32who regularly entertains the troops in Afghanistan saying,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35"I'll sing the Taliban into surrendering."
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Well, after the defence cuts, he's pretty much all we've got.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Please welcome James Blunt.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43APPLAUSE
0:02:45 > 0:02:47And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Ian and James, here's yours.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52That's l'entente cordiale.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Here's who's signing it.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Sarkozy doesn't believe a word of it.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58They're French, aren't they?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02They're French soldiers. There's another short French man. Two short French people.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- This looks like our lads. - This is the Falklands, obviously.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09That is a new missile deployment system.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10And that's what happens.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15You actually were a soldier, though. How would this impact?
0:03:15 > 0:03:19The French and the English are going to have a joint command. Would that have been good?
0:03:19 > 0:03:24I think it would be dangerous. I have experienced that kind of thing of working with people before.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28I had to say on a radio when I was working with these foreign soldiers,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31"Regardez a gauche, les Serbs."
0:03:31 > 0:03:34And then I realised that they were Italian.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36So did they understand French?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39No, no, he didn't, the only thing that came back on the radio was,
0:03:39 > 0:03:44"Quoi?". At that stage I told my driver in my tank, "Let's get the fuck out of here."
0:03:44 > 0:03:48I'm told the French soldiers are going to speak English.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Is the standard of English among British...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53The standard of French amongst British troops?
0:03:53 > 0:03:57The standard of English amongst British soldiers is pretty low, you're right.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00We're going to have a hard time, the French understanding us.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05The trouble is, if we were sharing an aircraft carrier, they drive on the other side of the road.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07We get it Monday, Wednesday, Friday?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09What if we have a war with France?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12We'll have to bomb our own air aircraft carrier.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15It is meant to act as a deterrent so that we don't do it again.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Oh, right, OK. So all armies in the world could be on the same side?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21# And there would be peace. #
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Sorry, song coming on.
0:04:24 > 0:04:29Yes, spirit of John Lennon hit you then, just for a second, touched lightly on your brow.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34So, anyway, after 1,000 years France and Britain are going to have a joint army.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Oui, bien sur.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40- That's very good, is that Italian? - Non, c'est Francais. It's the only French I know.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Apart from l'ornithorynque which is duck-billed platypus.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47They kept saying in these conferences they can't envisage
0:04:47 > 0:04:51a situation where France and England wouldn't have identical interests
0:04:51 > 0:04:57and then you show pictures of the Falklands, where they provided the Exocets for the other side.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I suppose this time they're just closer.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03they just fire them straight from the ship.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08On the subject of having the French as allies, Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf had clear views.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Remember what he said?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14He implied that if you went into battle with the French,
0:05:14 > 0:05:15you might as well go in on your own.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Yes, he said...
0:05:25 > 0:05:29They're going to start trialling the new joint brigade soon, what's the plan?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Take on America. - Take on America?- Yeah.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Let's not run before we can walk. - They won't be expecting it.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- The joint forces are getting a go? - Yeah, they're going to get a go. - Where are they going?
0:05:40 > 0:05:44They are going to have a military exercise together in Belgium.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Haven't we been there once before?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54A couple of times actually, and they are going to move on to Stalingrad.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Which bit of kit has been causing Sarkozy trouble this week?
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Shoes. I thought his shoes weren't giving him enough height.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Are you suggesting he should go round in kind of glam rock style...?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09He does. You may laugh, he does.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11James will have met him, can I just check?
0:06:11 > 0:06:16When you met him and Carla, he must have said, "I really like your work."
0:06:16 > 0:06:18And I said, "I really like your wife."
0:06:21 > 0:06:22"Let's swap."
0:06:24 > 0:06:28It was his £160 million jet, his new presidential jet,
0:06:28 > 0:06:33which was alleged in the press to have been kitted out sumptuously with items including...
0:06:36 > 0:06:38A bath!
0:06:38 > 0:06:42A pizza oven in a French plane is strange, isn't it?
0:06:42 > 0:06:46You'd think he would have gone for something more national than an Italian.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Like a fois gras unit. Goose stuffing booth.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56Sarkozy asked for a bath and they pointed out that if there was a bit of turbulence,
0:06:56 > 0:07:02the water would spill on the plane and it might fall out of the sky cos the electrics would go.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06If he's the president, can't he have a bath with wings that come out so that he can glide to the ground?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09That's what I'd have.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Let the bath water out slowly to lose height.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I never did physics at school. Has it changed much?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19It's working a treat so far.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I always thought in plane crashes,
0:07:21 > 0:07:25you should jump off at the last minute, but apparently it's not like that.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29As you're coming towards the ground, you think, "Six foot, I'll just..." You easily can jump six foot.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Just step off. Why doesn't everyone do it?- There's a queue.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36APPLAUSE
0:07:36 > 0:07:38That's what I would do.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Some people get really cross about this link-up with the French.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46But no matter how cross you get, however annoyed you are,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49it's important to keep your cool, isn't it, Nick?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51That he is seeking to deal with a deficit,
0:07:51 > 0:07:55that he's protecting health and education, overseas aid, for example,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58and he's doing it by cutting welfare and cutting waste,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01but he will not write the next chapters in this story.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02'All right, Nick, thank you.'
0:08:02 > 0:08:07Well done for trying to get away from that person behind you.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19You should be ashamed of yourself, mate. Shame on you, mate.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24APPLAUSE
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I was just trying to make a point.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Meanwhile... - Did you have to apologise?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Not as such.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Would you like to now? - Sorry, hold on.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48The BBC would like to make it plain that Nick Robinson deeply
0:08:48 > 0:08:53regrets any violence towards the protestor.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55And it will never be repeated.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58That's awesome cos we don't know if you're taking the piss or not.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03APPLAUSE
0:09:08 > 0:09:13What electoral measure has David Cameron been forced to bring in by the Europeans this week?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15It's to do with the prisons, isn't it?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Could you elaborate on that?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18I only read the headline.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24It used to be in this country that the only people who couldn't vote
0:09:24 > 0:09:28were members of the House of Lords, lunatics and criminals,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32which is a group that has a certain amount of...
0:09:32 > 0:09:34overlap.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38But now Europe has dictated that prisoners do have
0:09:38 > 0:09:41the right to vote, so in some constituencies,
0:09:41 > 0:09:45I don't know Wandsworth or whatever, there's 80,000 votes going.
0:09:45 > 0:09:50Can they be trusted to get back from the election booth, though?
0:09:50 > 0:09:55- During the general election, do the MPs have to canvas them? - "Vote for me, I'll let you out."
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Anyone in here for fraud?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I need some help with my expenses claim.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05They showed a great picture, as well, of a lifer celebrating with a glass of champagne and a joint.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Lib Dems!
0:10:09 > 0:10:13I'd love to do a live. Wouldn't it be great, 'From The Lifers Wing'?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16We'd love to see you do that, Nick.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Start getting angry with one of them, perhaps.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24I bet you they think the Government's too soft on criminals.
0:10:24 > 0:10:30"I want a more open society, windows, doors, that sort of thing."
0:10:30 > 0:10:34I went to Wandsworth Prison and I had a lunch with a lot of prisoners and this prisoner said,
0:10:34 > 0:10:38"Nowadays, conditions, they're just too soft, it's no deterrent.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39"When I first went to prison,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"now THAT was a deterrent."
0:10:44 > 0:10:49Charles Kennedy did a visit to a hospital during an election campaign with a TV camera
0:10:49 > 0:10:53he asked a man in a hospital bed, "Who will you vote for?" He said, "Liberal Democrat."
0:10:53 > 0:10:57He said, "What are you in for?" "Brain surgery."
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Silvio Berlusconi is in trouble, again. What's he done this time?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07He went for a skin graft but he didn't realise he'd have his hand stuck to his forehead.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11"She's charging how much?"
0:11:13 > 0:11:18He's been trying to give a helping hand to a teenage Moroccan belly dancer called Ruby.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- He's incredibly generous like that. - Very paternal.
0:11:21 > 0:11:28Very paternal. He bought her a diamond necklace and a car and gave her a lump of cash.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31And said, "Who's your daddy?"
0:11:31 > 0:11:34So I can avoid him if I see him.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39He's very upset that people have misinterpreted this and said,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- "Why do people always go on about this?"- He said...
0:11:46 > 0:11:48People's pert, young problems.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51How did he get to know Ruby?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Was it a phone call, to the usual agency?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Their eyes met across a suitcase of money?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00They'd been somewhere together.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Was it a lecture?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06It was at a bunga-bunga party.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10What's a bunga-bunga party?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- Where you throw money at young women.- And go, "Bunga, bunga."
0:12:15 > 0:12:18It's a naked party game, which, according to the Observer...
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Put that in context, they are Italian!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31She went on to reveal...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38King of the party games.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41He's even said something more today.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Did he say the Italian people like men who like women?
0:12:51 > 0:12:57It's the proposal to merge British and French military forces in a shake-up of the entente cordiale.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01The new era of military co-operation could see British and French forces fighting side by side,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04both flags proudly flying, our Union Jack
0:13:04 > 0:13:06their white hanky...
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Despite tensions within the EU, bizarrely, Angela Merkel
0:13:14 > 0:13:17has revealed herself to be a fan of Midsomer Murders.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20The German Chancellor visited Chequers only last weekend
0:13:20 > 0:13:23and according to the Daily Mail, David Cameron lined up...
0:13:25 > 0:13:29or as the rest of us call it, an episode of Midsomer Murders.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33In Italy, Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi has got himself
0:13:33 > 0:13:36embroiled in yet another scandal involving wild sex parties.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39According to the Sunday Times, one get together featured...
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Then, after the Cabinet meeting, he went to a sex party.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Paul and Nick, take a look at this...
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- America.- Yes, of course. They've just had these mid-term elections.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55There's the new Republican senators.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59The Tea Party, obviously. A clue there for us, in case we didn't get it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01There's Sarah Palin, Ian's favourite.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- Particularly when she lets her hair down.- Yeah, oh blimey, then we all know about it.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09And then there's Obama, the President,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11who's not doing very well at the moment.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16The American people, one in four think he's Muslim, one in ten think he's a terrorist,
0:14:16 > 0:14:201 in 50 think he's a holiday that they took in Mexico in 1968.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23We're confused, what's been happening, Nick.
0:14:23 > 0:14:28- It is not new gag in America, they say, "Knock, knock, who's there?" - Yeah, OK, let's do it then.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Knock, knock.- Who's there? OK, which bit am I doing?
0:14:31 > 0:14:36Barack Obama, yes. Knock, knock.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- It's never going to catch on, this, is it? - OK, I'll say, "Knock, knock."
0:14:39 > 0:14:42No, OK, you say, "Knock, knock," and I'll say, "Who's there?"
0:14:42 > 0:14:46- Knock, knock.- Who's there. - Barack Obama.- Really?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49What's he doing round here, hasn't he got enough troubles of his own?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Barack Obama who?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53That's politics.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01This is the American mid-term elections, which have gone pretty disastrously.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Lots of people have voted for strange people who believe all sorts of odd things,
0:15:05 > 0:15:10but if you say odd things with enough conviction in America, people are willing to believe you.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13But not if you're a witch. That's the good news.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15If you were a witch, you don't get elected.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Even if you deny that you once were a witch.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- Christine O'Donnell, she's the witch, is she?- That's a small crumb of comfort, isn't it?
0:15:22 > 0:15:26In one particular election, the witch didn't win.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29The witch who advocates that masturbation is a sin.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Not if you do it right.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38It says on my card, "Campaigned vigorously against masturbation." Which seems...
0:15:38 > 0:15:42the wrong way to go about a campaign against masturbation.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45But the other people whose views are similarly bonkers did win.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49There's been a huge swing to the... I suppose it's to the right,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52but in America, everyone is more or less on the right.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Some people were pulling some pretty incredible stunts during the election.
0:15:56 > 0:16:02- Some of the candidates. Did you read about any of these?- Yes, but then I forgot about it, isn't it funny?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- Sharron Angle, Republican.- Yes.
0:16:04 > 0:16:11Said that under Obama two US towns were operating under sharia law.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15It is a new form of democratic debate in America. Someone says something which isn't true.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Then someone points out it isn't true, then the other person says,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22"But I believe it anyway." That's it, that's the Tea Party.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Fox News, fair and balanced.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I find that Fox News is rarely about foxes.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Unless you are including Sarah Palin, Ian, eh?!
0:16:34 > 0:16:38There was Jack Conway, who was a democrat, who to asked THIS about his opponent,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40the victorious Rand Paul...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Why do any of us do that?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55This was a genuine TV broadcast from Linda McMahon, Republican.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58She started the World Wrestling Federation with her husband
0:16:58 > 0:17:01and thought THIS might help get her message across...
0:17:01 > 0:17:0430 years ago, my husband and I started our business.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07It wasn't always easy.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12But we grew it into a publicly traded company
0:17:12 > 0:17:15that's creating jobs here in Connecticut today.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18It took hard work and perseverance.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20'Washington could use some of that.'
0:17:22 > 0:17:23I'm Linda McMahon.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I'm running for the US Senate and I approved this message
0:17:26 > 0:17:29because it's time for something different.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Vote for me or I'll physically attack you.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I'm trustworthy because I'm violent.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43You can see Harriet Harman doing that wrestling thing.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Or can YOU see Harriet Harman doing it?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Did you hear what political opponents said of Nikki Haley,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53the victorious Republican candidate for Governor of Florida,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55who's of Sikh origin?
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Some distrust of the foreign?
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Well, yeah, you've put your finger pretty near it! He said...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09It's towel head.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Dickhead!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15In the last US election, it was hockey moms.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Who are the rabid right-wing Republican Banshees these days?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- What are they called now? - Mama grizzlies.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Mama grizzly and the tea party.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25That does sound like a late 60s... California band.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30It's not relevant, actually, but my first band was called Limp Willy and the Disappointments.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35You don't want that to be your last band.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Sarah Palin said mama grizzlies are...
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Ha! That's good.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48When she was nominated for Vice President, the head of the Republican Party in Alaska was asked
0:18:48 > 0:18:53what her qualifications for high office were. He paused and said...
0:18:53 > 0:18:58"She's the right age, and she's an American citizen."
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Can you tell me what the Tea Party motto is?
0:19:04 > 0:19:09'I'm mad as well', isn't it? 'I'm mad and I don't care.' I'm making stuff up as it goes along.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- I thought it was more aggressive than that.- How aggressive?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15How about, 'Kill the black dude.' Something like that.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20I think that's more an unofficial slogan.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23It's...
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Some Liberals have formed a rival to the Tea Party.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Can your vast intellect work out what they called it?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Is it called The Coffee Morning?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36The Coffee Party.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Can you imagine what their slogan might be?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41We're Very Bitter.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Change In An Instant.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Is this on?
0:19:50 > 0:19:54What Blair-style tactic did Obama try recently?
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Lying.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03It wasn't. He has been going on easy TV shows.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07This is him on the Daily Show. Slightly terrifying.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11It looks like he is re-enacting the end of Return of the Jedi.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15These are not the ratings you're looking for.
0:20:15 > 0:20:20- How's Bill Clinton been helping? - Has he been campaigning for them? Is that why they've lost so badly?
0:20:20 > 0:20:24It's that awful moment when Neil Kinnock says, "I support you as a candidate".
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- I think he'd be good for them, wouldn't he?- You like Bill Clinton?
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- I thought he seemed like a very nice man.- Did you meet him? - I met him once, yes.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Was he at one of your concerts?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35No, he wasn't, he made me feel very special...
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Did you keep the dry-cleaning receipt?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49What was the event?
0:20:49 > 0:20:54- Um... It was just a random dinner, as you do, dinner with Bill.- Right.
0:20:54 > 0:21:00Also, actually, at the dinner, Cher was there. She came up to me and said...
0:21:00 > 0:21:03She said to me, "I want to tell you how much I really like your work
0:21:03 > 0:21:07"and I'm really excited to meet you." I said, "Thanks so much." I felt very special.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Five minutes later she walked up and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else".
0:21:18 > 0:21:21It is hard to come back from that. What did you say to her?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I told her to piss off.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Have you seen what Bush has been up to recently?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28He's been tweeting a lot.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33- I can't really get at anyone for that.- Oh, do you tweet? - Yeah.- God, that's embarrassing.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36There is someone pretending to be me out there,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39which is even more tragic than being me.
0:21:40 > 0:21:45I found someone pretending to be me. They didn't bother doing anything, except one entry
0:21:45 > 0:21:48it said, round about June, "Time to get the barbecue out".
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I was really disappointed.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58This is what he's been up to, here he is. He's with his dad at a Texas Rangers baseball game.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02There you go. Where's a Yemeni printer cartridge when you need one?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05APPLAUSE
0:22:07 > 0:22:12Round of applause for the suggestion of double murder!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I expect you're proud of yourselves.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Anybody got any views on the Yemeni bomb plot?
0:22:17 > 0:22:21It was interesting that all these years that you've been searched and stopped in the airport
0:22:21 > 0:22:25and you thought, "Thank goodness they're taking security measures."
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Then someone says, "What about the cargo stuff?" "Oh, that!"
0:22:28 > 0:22:34"Oh, cargo! Oh, God! How stupid!"
0:22:34 > 0:22:37It's all right, the cargo doesn't have shoes or trouser belts.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42You're standing behind them, they're rigorously searching an elderly woman in a wheelchair,
0:22:42 > 0:22:46poking her and saying, "What have you got there?"
0:22:46 > 0:22:49And then there's a package that says, "To the synagogue."
0:22:49 > 0:22:52"That's fine, chuck it on board. That's fine."
0:22:52 > 0:22:55"For the Jews." "Yeah, that can get loaded."
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Wasn't there was another story about a bomb maker's brother,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03he tried to blow someone up and he had a bomb up his bum
0:23:03 > 0:23:09- and he split himself and he didn't kill who he was supposed to kill. - I read that story. But that's...
0:23:09 > 0:23:13- where you go if you're trying to hide a bomb.- The Chatham pocket.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Rectum? It certainly did.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Rabbi Larry Edwards of the Chadash Synagogue said...
0:23:28 > 0:23:33This is the poor showing by the Democrats in the US mid-term elections.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35As evidence of his waning popularity,
0:23:35 > 0:23:39the Guardian reported that at the Wolstein Centre in Cleveland...
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Even worse, the biggest cheer he got was when he said,
0:23:46 > 0:23:50"But enough of me, here's Wagner".
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Isn't it "Vagner"?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Isn't it the X Factor, M'lord?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Ah, I am obliged.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06On the eve of the election, Bill Clinton made his own contribution to the campaign.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07According to the Times...
0:24:10 > 0:24:16Including arousal, ecstasy, exhaustion and guilt.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20And so to round two. As a tribute to James, we'll be concentrating
0:24:20 > 0:24:24on some of the more beautiful aspects of this week's news.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27So, here are some beautiful people who've been in the headlines.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31# You're beautiful... #
0:24:31 > 0:24:33BUZZER
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- I recognised the song!- Yeah!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39APPLAUSE
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Name that song in two.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I pressed the buzzer cos I wanted it to stop.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51APPLAUSE
0:24:51 > 0:24:56- What was the song?- Sorry, I've forgotten, can we hear it again?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59You can hear it again. Ker-ching! Ker-ching! Ker-ching!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Papa needs a new pair of shoes.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10APPLAUSE
0:25:10 > 0:25:15Did you just buzz to answer the question for the song or do you know the answer to the...
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- Have I misunderstood how this works? - OK.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22What will happen is that a series of pictures will reveal themselves
0:25:22 > 0:25:24including the one you can see in front of you now.
0:25:24 > 0:25:30- I prefer the other game where we have to guess what the music is. - Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Harriet Harman, who used to be Equalities Minister
0:25:33 > 0:25:38and very keen on us not discriminating against anyone, came up with a ginger gag.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43Against Danny Alexander, saying he was a ginger...
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Rodent.
0:25:44 > 0:25:49So, a double discrimination against rats...
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- and people with ginger hair. - Somebody in her family is a redhead
0:25:53 > 0:25:55and she's got a sister that's a water vole.
0:25:55 > 0:26:01And a cousin that's a pine martin. Have you ever seen a pine martin?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- They are ginger. - Can we get a picture of a pine martin while the show's going on?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Bring up a picture and I'll go, "That's a pine martin."
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Let's have a quick look at Harriet's first ever attempt at a joke.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Now, many of us in the Labour Party are conservationists
0:26:14 > 0:26:17and we all love the red squirrel.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21But there is one ginger rodent that we never want to see again
0:26:21 > 0:26:23in the Highlands...
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Danny Alexander.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30It's a pretty clever place to make a joke about people with red hair,
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Scotland, isn't it?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34A Labour source said...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46She was having a go at Danny because of his involvement in the cuts,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49But to be fair, Cameron created one job this week.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51He's got his own personal photographer,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54so we're paying for photos of him looking nice.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Andy Parsons. Cameron's given his photographer a civil service job,
0:26:58 > 0:27:03allowing him to take flattering pictures of the Prime Minister at our expense. Here he is in action...
0:27:03 > 0:27:05That photo taken, obviously,
0:27:05 > 0:27:09by the Prime Minster's personal photographer's personal photographer.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Some people have been a bit more generous about the coalition.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15What did Downing Street reveal about Cameron this week?
0:27:15 > 0:27:20The presents he got from other world leaders saying, "Congratulations, it's all going beautifully."
0:27:20 > 0:27:22There was a tinkling bell, then.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Have I said the secret word of the night?
0:27:25 > 0:27:29He's got a lot of presents. Berlusconi sent him a belly dancer.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33- He would have sent him a watch. He sends watches.- Yes, he does.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37- He sends watches. - That then get put on eBay. - The Independent revealed...
0:27:43 > 0:27:48- Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, how did he do?- Did he get the bowl?
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- He didn't get any presents. - He got no presents at all.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Fingers on buzzers, teams...
0:27:55 > 0:27:56# You're beautiful... #
0:27:56 > 0:27:58BUZZER
0:27:58 > 0:28:00This is the couple in the Maldives, that went for a ceremony
0:28:00 > 0:28:03and they thought they were having a local native ceremony,
0:28:03 > 0:28:08in the local native language. It was only when they took the video back home
0:28:08 > 0:28:12and they realised they were being insulted in the most extraordinary manner
0:28:12 > 0:28:17and everybody's had a laugh at them and they are crying somewhere in an attic somewhere in Wolverhampton.
0:28:17 > 0:28:22As the happy couple smile shyly to each other, the man conducting the ceremony chants...
0:28:49 > 0:28:52He then said, "You may kiss the infidel."
0:28:52 > 0:28:56To add insult to injury, what other material did he draw on for the blessing?
0:28:56 > 0:28:59He said, "Your testicles will always be dry,"
0:28:59 > 0:29:01and then he revealed that was actually soup of the day.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04At one point, according to the Mail...
0:29:12 > 0:29:17One moving moment of the ceremony was the planting of a coconut tree by the happy couple.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20As the bride tried to plant the tree, one man shouted...
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Another was more blase, saying...
0:29:30 > 0:29:34The resort manager tried to play down the incident. What did he say?
0:29:34 > 0:29:35It happens all the time.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38I wouldn't worry about it. It doesn't matter, it's all mumbo-jumbo.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40He said...
0:29:44 > 0:29:48This is the now infamous Maldives wedding ceremony.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51The couple were surprised as there'd been no problems
0:29:51 > 0:29:56with the hotel staff at the christening of their children Infidel Bastard and Foreign Scum.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Time now for the odd one out round.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Ian and James, your four are...
0:30:01 > 0:30:02Sir Michael Caine,
0:30:02 > 0:30:04Cassandra,
0:30:04 > 0:30:05Nick Robinson,
0:30:05 > 0:30:08and Bhagat the Parrot.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11The parrot is the only one that says anything of any sense.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Very unfair on Cassandra.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Is this about prophecy?
0:30:16 > 0:30:21Is it about making predictions that are wrong?
0:30:21 > 0:30:23I'm just guessing.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26You're running there, are you? There's a theme.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29- I'm being a champion tosser. - No, he's explaining the Budget.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31It's Pancake Day.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33APPLAUSE
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Cassandra, she predicted that Troy fell, is that what...?
0:30:38 > 0:30:41That's absolutely right. So she got it right.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Have you got anything right recently, Nick?
0:30:44 > 0:30:47I think they make right predictions other than me.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50OK, they've all made correct predictions, apart from Nick.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52- Is the correct answer.- Well done.
0:30:52 > 0:30:53APPLAUSE
0:30:57 > 0:31:01See, there we are, swings and roundabouts. Publicly humiliated on television,
0:31:01 > 0:31:04then two points on a meaningless panel game.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08- It's a win-win situation. - It was worth it. - It was worth it, absolutely.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12They have all accurately predicted the future apart from Nick Robinson
0:31:12 > 0:31:15who wrongly predicted the result of the Labour leadership contest
0:31:15 > 0:31:17one minute before it was announced.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Let's remind ourselves, Nick, how you thought...
0:31:20 > 0:31:23- This is seconds, seconds before it was announced. - Do we have to?
0:31:23 > 0:31:28'Our political editor, Nick Robinson, has been doing the maths and you have a prediction.'
0:31:28 > 0:31:33'I do, it's that David Miliband will win and it is only a prediction. We don't know, let's stress that.
0:31:33 > 0:31:39'If you went on the facial expressions, David's happy, Ed looks sad. But maybe they're good actors.'
0:31:39 > 0:31:44- I heard the words, "We don't know." - Yeah, I heard those as well.- Yeah.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47And, "It's only a prediction" Which suggests it was a prediction.
0:31:49 > 0:31:50I'm just being literal, but...
0:31:50 > 0:31:53Bhagat is the fortune telling parrot
0:31:53 > 0:31:57hired by Russell Brand and Katie Perry to entertain guests at their recent wedding.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59That's why you've not heard of it, Ian.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Apparently...
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Which were then...
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Of course they were(!)
0:32:12 > 0:32:16They have all predicted the future apart from Nick Robinson
0:32:16 > 0:32:18who, one minute before the result was announced,
0:32:18 > 0:32:22inaccurately predicted that David Miliband would be leader.
0:32:22 > 0:32:26If it was embarrassing for Nick, imagine how David Miliband felt.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28He spent the next ten minutes trying to work out how to erase
0:32:28 > 0:32:31the answer phone message he left his brother.
0:32:31 > 0:32:37Michael Caine claims he predicted the 9/11 attacks in a book he was writing but never finished.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41Caine is still planning to publish a novel, which has caused panic
0:32:41 > 0:32:45at Waterstone's - they simply don't have enough reduced stickers.
0:32:45 > 0:32:49According to legend, Cassandra successfully predicted a number of events.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53She warned the Trojans about the deadly contents of the wooden horse,
0:32:53 > 0:32:58although there was something of a clue in the fact that it came air freight from Yemen.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01Paul and Nick, here's yours...
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Katy Perry,
0:33:03 > 0:33:04Kofi Annan,
0:33:04 > 0:33:06C3PO and R2D2,
0:33:06 > 0:33:07and James Blunt.
0:33:07 > 0:33:08BUZZER
0:33:08 > 0:33:12Is it cos Kofi's a nice dude who goes and does good things
0:33:12 > 0:33:14to try and unite the world.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17I wouldn't put myself in the same bracket as him necessarily,
0:33:17 > 0:33:21but I go out and sing to the troops and that.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- And you are a nice dude. - Thanks, Dad.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28APPLAUSE
0:33:31 > 0:33:33C...and C3PO
0:33:33 > 0:33:37This has turned into the Jeremy Kyle show.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40We've had the DNA results, here we are.
0:33:40 > 0:33:45- Is it a peacekeeping, troop entertaining...- It is not that.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48I am the only one in there I wouldn't want to sleep with.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Even that little dustbin thing?!
0:33:53 > 0:33:54It must happen sometimes.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58Some of those kind of toys are the best ones.
0:34:00 > 0:34:01Are you safe around peddle bins?
0:34:03 > 0:34:07- We don't know.- OK, they have all appeared on Sesame Street
0:34:07 > 0:34:10apart from Katy Perry, whose duet with Elmo
0:34:10 > 0:34:13was pulled from the show because her dress was deemed inappropriate.
0:34:13 > 0:34:18New York magazine described the decision to cut Katy Perry as...
0:34:25 > 0:34:29The former UN Secretary General appeared on the show in 2001.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Why was Kofi called on to Sesame Street?
0:34:32 > 0:34:35- They were doing the letter K. - Couldn't think of anyone else,
0:34:35 > 0:34:40- "What begins with K?"- He defused a conflict between Elmo and the other monsters when they argued over...
0:34:43 > 0:34:48He sent in the Blue Berets, they didn't do much, they withdrew, the monsters killed each other.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50That is basically right.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53James appeared on the show in 2007.
0:34:55 > 0:35:01# This shape was brilliant This shape was pure
0:35:01 > 0:35:06# I saw three angles Of that I'm sure
0:35:06 > 0:35:12# And I saw three pointy corners And then I saw three straight sides
0:35:12 > 0:35:19# The top was very narrow And the base was, oh, so wide
0:35:19 > 0:35:25# My triangle, my triangle
0:35:25 > 0:35:31# So beautiful, it's true
0:35:31 > 0:35:37# It must be those angles Put a smile on your face
0:35:37 > 0:35:40# Not to mention the hypotenuse... #
0:35:40 > 0:35:43APPLAUSE
0:35:48 > 0:35:50It looks like a hostage tape. Were you being held hostage?
0:35:50 > 0:35:55What was the song about originally, before it was about triangles?
0:35:55 > 0:35:59- Tell him what it was about, James. - Nothing to do with you. - Not about a square, then?
0:35:59 > 0:36:00It was about stalking...
0:36:00 > 0:36:03APPLAUSE
0:36:06 > 0:36:10James Blunt sang a version of You're Beautiful on Sesame Street.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12Say what you like about the song, but without it
0:36:12 > 0:36:16millions of single women would be sitting at home with their cats in silence.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features as its guest publication
0:36:24 > 0:36:28Clowning Around, the magazine of the World Clown Association.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32It looks like a nice, jolly cover, inside it's a tragic mess.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35And we start with...
0:36:37 > 0:36:38Football practice.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43What publication is this from?
0:36:43 > 0:36:44This is a silly game.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48This is from Clowning Around.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51- Do you subscribe? - Um...- He's been on the cover!
0:36:56 > 0:36:59This is according to an article in Clowning Around
0:36:59 > 0:37:00which goes on to say...
0:37:04 > 0:37:07So why not do a mind numbingly tedious mime?
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Next...
0:37:17 > 0:37:22I am so Tory blue that some people think I'm an Avatar.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27Punchable that people can't help themselves.
0:37:27 > 0:37:32So full of shit...that some people actually notice it.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Paul was pretty close, the answer is...
0:37:37 > 0:37:41Actually it is not some people... it's Charles Kennedy.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44And it's not spit.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46Next...
0:37:51 > 0:37:55I would say get laid, but that seems like a shorter word than that.
0:37:55 > 0:37:59Well, if you can't get laid at the 9th Biannual International Circus Festival of Budapest
0:37:59 > 0:38:01there's something wrong with you.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03It's a swingers paradise.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05He didn't make anyone laugh.
0:38:08 > 0:38:09Next...
0:38:12 > 0:38:13Usual.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18As pillaging makes a comeback.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26This is according to the Lonely Planet Best In Travel 2011.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28One of the notable attractions is...
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Where you can wait all day for a bus
0:38:31 > 0:38:34then one comes at once. Next...
0:38:36 > 0:38:42Hello. How are you? We're ants.
0:38:42 > 0:38:46We will not merge our army with the French?
0:38:46 > 0:38:49No, it's British ants say, "Long live the queen."
0:38:49 > 0:38:51According to the Telegraph...
0:38:54 > 0:38:59Though even they draw the line at a hastily cobbled together coalition. Next...
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Served five years in Parkhurst?
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Pulled out.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16Made a big public splash.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18GROANING
0:39:18 > 0:39:22Ah, now, that's the joke you've put together, not me.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25- You ought to be ashamed of yourself. - The answer is...
0:39:28 > 0:39:32The famous clown Emmett Kelly is now, sadly, deceased. He had an open coffin. Still has.
0:39:32 > 0:39:36They can't close the lid because of his shoes. And finally...
0:39:39 > 0:39:40Happiness.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43- Is exactly correct!- Is it?!
0:39:43 > 0:39:44APPLAUSE
0:39:44 > 0:39:46A wild guess.
0:39:48 > 0:39:53So, if you're watching this show tonight in Norwich eating a medium Cheese Feast, then you, my friend,
0:39:53 > 0:39:55are living the dream!
0:39:55 > 0:39:59So, the final scores are Ian and James have five
0:39:59 > 0:40:03- and Paul and Nick also have five. - Oh, well done.
0:40:03 > 0:40:04APPLAUSE
0:40:08 > 0:40:11But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14Embarrassed London Mayor caught with "oar".
0:40:14 > 0:40:17APPLAUSE
0:40:19 > 0:40:20And here's a bonus one.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23That's a pine marten!
0:40:23 > 0:40:25APPLAUSE
0:40:25 > 0:40:29That's related to Harriet Harman.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35And I leave you with news that parachute training begins
0:40:35 > 0:40:39as the RAF plans to hit Afghanistan with our deadliest weapon yet...
0:40:43 > 0:40:45In Devon, there are tragic consequences
0:40:45 > 0:40:48when one of the stars of the Anchor butter advert is laid off...
0:40:53 > 0:40:54And under constant threat,
0:40:54 > 0:40:59Vladimir Putin and his wife admit they even wear camouflage when sitting on the sofa...
0:41:03 > 0:41:05Good night.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:21 > 0:41:24E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:41:42 > 0:41:45I'm terribly sorry about that interruption.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47I had to go and take some cocaine.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52So, let's do it again, let's do it again!
0:41:56 > 0:41:58There's a man who's seen a documentary on cocaine.