0:00:02 > 0:00:06Pleasure to see Charlie Higson here, his last TV appearance on the Harry and Paul Show
0:00:06 > 0:00:09he was discussing whether I was queer or not.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16- Did you go down as 'probable queer'? - No, 'probable definite queer'.
0:00:18 > 0:00:29This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01In this news this week, in Westminster,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04after the acceptance of his policy to get the workshy off benefits
0:01:04 > 0:01:07and back to leading useful lives,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Iain Duncan Smith takes a night off to celebrate.
0:01:15 > 0:01:20In a desperate bid to claw back Sunday evening viewers from Downton Abbey
0:01:20 > 0:01:22the BBC auditions a new weathergirl.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31And after 12 months in isolation in the wilds of Borneo,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33a British zoologist finally finds out
0:01:33 > 0:01:36that Nick Clegg has been made Deputy Prime Minister.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Ohh!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46On Ian Hislop's team is a Labour activist
0:01:46 > 0:01:49and wife of the Speaker of the House of Commons,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52whose regular use of Twitter has been described as,
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"abandoning all attempts at dignity".
0:01:54 > 0:01:57By Ann Widdecombe.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Ann, of course, last seen being winched through the air
0:02:02 > 0:02:04dressed like a Quality Street.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- Please welcome Sally Bercow. - APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And with Paul Merton tonight is a writer and actor
0:02:14 > 0:02:16who spent six years as a singer in a band.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19He says he survived his early career
0:02:19 > 0:02:22largely because of the free sandwiches and beer at gigs.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24You and me both.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Please welcome Charlie Higson. - APPLAUSE
0:02:29 > 0:02:32We start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Ian and Sally, take a look at this.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38There's Duncan Smith, getting the unemployed working. Certainly worked for him.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41There he is, clearing up some leaves. Excellent.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44The Archbishop of Canterbury. Don't you love him?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- Very much so.- Students.- Before they started smashing windows.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Or breaking news, as it says there.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I was quite encouraged.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- I thought, "Blimey! Students - they've woken up!" - AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Yeah! The teaching budget's been cut,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01they'll have to pay three times as much
0:03:01 > 0:03:03and pay it back for the rest of their lives,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06and they're thinking, "I'm not sure I approve of that."
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Well, the protest centred on Millbank.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14- They attacked Tory HQ.- Right, not Ed Millbank or David Millbank!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16And it was a student protest
0:03:16 > 0:03:20so it started to break up round about Countdown time.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Of course,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26the Lib Dems were staunchly saying they wouldn't go up,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29which is great that they got in power and put it up.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Yeah.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33They had no idea they were going to be in power...
0:03:33 > 0:03:36when they made these promises.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38APPLAUSE
0:03:38 > 0:03:41How does Nick Clegg look at himself in the mirror?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Just looks at David Cameron and sees the same thing.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50There was also a very helpful police statement, which was...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Redefining the rule book there!
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Shall we pop over to Iain Duncan Smith? What was his big proposal?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03To make those in long-term unemployment
0:04:03 > 0:04:05do a small amount of community work
0:04:05 > 0:04:07in order to get them in the habit of doing something
0:04:07 > 0:04:10rather than just sitting on the sofa, watching telly.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Bit of gardening, bit of light council work.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18- The people who do those jobs will then get the sack.- Yeah.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21They'll be on the dole for six months and then get a job doing the gardening...
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- You know how much they're going to earn?- Pound an hour.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- Pound an hour.- Top whack. - Yes.- Really?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31More than twice the going rate for nine-year-old Romanian fruit-pickers.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Why would anyone want to pick nine-year-old Romanian fruit?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38The Archbishop of Canterbury said it's very demeaning
0:04:38 > 0:04:41that people should have to go to work sweeping the streets.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46So all the people who go to work sweeping the streets are thinking, "That's nice(!)"
0:04:46 > 0:04:49You in your posh hat and your fancy curly stick.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- Actually, someone did have a go back at him- Really?- Yes.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- Do you know who it was? - Was it Satan?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- He's Satan in human guise!- Yes.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- Lord Tebbit.- Oh! - LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:11A interesting legal point cos I had no idea who I was talking about when I made that statement.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Are you worried Satan's going to sue?
0:05:14 > 0:05:20The Government is supporting Duncan Smith's proposal. A spokesman gave a quote. He said -
0:05:24 > 0:05:29At which point the journalist shrugged and went, "no, sorry, you've lost me there."
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Said the stand-up.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36LOUD LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:38How dare you?!
0:05:39 > 0:05:44- Actress.- I went for a job once playing a character based on myself
0:05:44 > 0:05:47and I was so shit I didn't get it.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49That's how good my acting is.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- Shall we talk about Phil Woolas? - Yes!- He's been in trouble this week.
0:05:54 > 0:06:00Phil Woolas was found guilty of lying in his election literature
0:06:00 > 0:06:03and was banned from being a Member of Parliament.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05But he's appealing...
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Only to you.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14He wasn't just banned, we had a by-election overturned.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19The will of the people for the first time in nearly 100 years, the judges have said, "no."
0:06:19 > 0:06:23He behaved so badly we're going to have the by-election again. Except we're not.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- Are we?- No, not at the moment. No.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Because of you.- No.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- Is it not true?- No.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- If you read the Mail On Sunday and the Daily Mail you would... - And the Telegraph!
0:06:33 > 0:06:38- And the Telegraph!- And there was a bit in the Guardian and a bit in the Indy...
0:06:38 > 0:06:40No, no, no. It's only the right-wing media.
0:06:40 > 0:06:46- They take the view that I am behind the scenes influencing my husband. - Are you not?
0:06:46 > 0:06:47No! I wish.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51So his decision to suspend having the by-election
0:06:51 > 0:06:55in order to give Phil another chance which is what you said over the weekend...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58But that's just coincidence. Great minds think alike.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Anyone married here believe that?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06No, we're not getting this by-election.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11Mr Woolas, despite the judge's finding he did lie about his opponent
0:07:11 > 0:07:13and make things up about them,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16they've decided he's going to have his chance to appeal again.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Well, the people of Oldham also, it was their verdict in the general election...
0:07:20 > 0:07:26- Yes!- And it's been overturned by these judges, for the first time in 99 years.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- It's a big event, isn't it? - It's a worrying precedent.- Yeah.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34- You can't have judges interfering. - No.- They'd start putting MPs in jail.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:42 > 0:07:48- Shall we hear what the Times had to say?- Yes, let's have a sensible, unbiased, right-wing Murdoch view.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51They said...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59..your husband... "And the influence of his wife."
0:07:59 > 0:08:04Sally, anything to say before we have you ducked in the village pond?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- Did they actually know... You know you went on the Politics Show...- Yes.
0:08:09 > 0:08:14Did they know who you were on it? I don't know if you've seen this.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20'Treasury Chief Secretary, Danny Alexander.'
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Have you not seen that? - Who knew I had ginger hair?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- I knew I'd seen you before somewhere.- No, I haven't seen that.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Oh, you're much more influential than him.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36One of the most powerful women in the country. I'm really privileged today.
0:08:37 > 0:08:42- I can just whisper stuff and it'll happen in two days' time. - No, no, no, no!
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Phil Woolas was expelled from Labour who are not funding his legal costs.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- Harriet Harman was very critical. Did anyone see what she said?- Yes!
0:08:50 > 0:08:55She said, "We're not backing people who lie in order to win elections."
0:08:56 > 0:08:58This is the party of Tony Blair!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00APPLAUSE
0:09:02 > 0:09:05If Phil Woolas's political career is over
0:09:05 > 0:09:08will he be missed, do you think?
0:09:08 > 0:09:09- I'd never heard of him!- No.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Charlie's not going to miss him.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I don't think I'll miss him either.
0:09:14 > 0:09:20- He's famous.- What for? - He got jumped on by Joanna Lumley about the Gurkhas.- That's right.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- REPORTER:- Are you reassured?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25The minister has explained and...
0:09:25 > 0:09:30um...and I think we're all agreed that we're going to be able to help
0:09:30 > 0:09:33in the formation of new guidelines...
0:09:34 > 0:09:37That'll be wonderful.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40These will be guidelines which will be completed by July.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45And the 1,500 cases will be looked at, we understand, most sympathetically.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Yeah...
0:09:48 > 0:09:50APPLAUSE
0:09:52 > 0:09:57This week it emerged that one of Cameron's advisers had a little chat with the police last Thursday.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- Andy Coulson.- Yes.- Andy Coulson, Cameron's communications chief
0:10:01 > 0:10:06over the phone-tapping affair that dates back to when Coulson was editor of the News Of The World.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11He says that even though journalists were hacking phones, as editor he had no idea.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I mean, why would you?
0:10:13 > 0:10:18Someone comes up with a story, you'd say, "That's brilliant. I won't ask where you got that."
0:10:18 > 0:10:24- Straight in the paper.- He continues to deny it, although one of his deputies at the paper pointed out -
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Who to believe(?)
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Well, it's one thing or the other.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45Either he's a totally incompetent editor who has no idea what's happening on his newspaper,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47or he isn't.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53- Just ask the News Of The World to tap his phone and we can find out if he's guilty or not.- Yeah.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57You tweeted in September, apparently, "Surely Coulson is set to
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- "spend more time with his family." Do you think he is? - I do and I hope so.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Why do you tweet? What's in it for you?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Why do I tweet? It's fun, actually.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Is it?- Yes, it's fun and enjoyable. You should try it.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10No.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:13That rules it out for Paul!
0:11:13 > 0:11:17It's a bit like water-skiing. It looks fun, but it's for other people
0:11:19 > 0:11:22So who reads it, apart from researchers?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Well, mainly the media and the Daily Mail, I think.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- Is that why you do it? Is it a sado-masochistic thing? - Kind of, yeah.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I kind of like to take the piss out of the Mail a bit.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36It's to save Andy Coulson the time actually of bugging her phone.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I got into trouble for tweeting about the Pope, actually.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Oh, really?- Yeah, that was my biggest faux pas...
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Did he send round the heavies?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48That blind albino monk?
0:11:48 > 0:11:53- Was it considered unsuitable behaviour?- Unsuitable behaviour for the Speaker's wife,
0:11:53 > 0:11:57I should be handing out cucumber sandwiches and making cups of tea.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Well, that's certainly a point.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Ian Hislop, an arch-traditionalist!
0:12:03 > 0:12:08You're doing my head in, I can't cope!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Meanwhile, Gordon Brown was caught masquerading as his wife
0:12:11 > 0:12:14this weekend. He took over his wife's Twitter account on Sunday.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19She went from two million followers to about six.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22It was apparently to show his support for democracy in Burma.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25That'll bring down the junta, won't it?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Did you tweet at him?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- I did tweet at him. - What did you tweet at him?- I can't remember, to be honest with you.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Well, I can.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- It's all right.- Your researchers are too good.- Yeah, I know.
0:12:41 > 0:12:47Thank God it's not me, cos I'd be looking in Woman's Own, going, "Oh, that's an interesting recipe."
0:12:48 > 0:12:52You said, "Good to have you on here, Gordon, and for a great cause too."
0:12:52 > 0:12:58- Oh, that's quite...Yeah.- Some other people were less supportive.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Someone called Lewis Coyne tweeted -
0:13:09 > 0:13:11And here's Duncan Weston -
0:13:20 > 0:13:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:22 > 0:13:28- Sounds unlikely you'll let your husband take over your Twitter. - No, I wouldn't, no.- Fair enough.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- He used to be a Tory, don't forget. - What is he now?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- He's impartial.- Oh, right. - The day he became Speaker,
0:13:33 > 0:13:38he had to stop being a Conservative MP. Saddest day of his life, obviously.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39He no longer has any views,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41apart from those of his wi... Oh!
0:13:41 > 0:13:42No!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44LAUGHTER
0:13:44 > 0:13:45No!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Jolly unfair!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Where are those cucumber sandwiches?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I'll pop out and make you some in a minute.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Can I have a cake?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Yeah, in your face!
0:13:58 > 0:14:02It makes me wonder where the cucumber sandwich is going, but...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Possibly sphincter-ways...
0:14:04 > 0:14:07That's near Chiswick, isn't it?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09That's near Chiswick.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Ring road. Oh, sorry!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- LAUGHTER - I'm sorry!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- Shall we move away from the... - I think so!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19..from the anal?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Tony Blair's... Oh, we haven't!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24LAUGHTER
0:14:24 > 0:14:27APPLAUSE
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Tony Blair's been busy this week.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- It's toilet paper, isn't it?- It is!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37He's agreed to give an after-dinner speech
0:14:37 > 0:14:42to a manufacturer of toilet paper for 50 grand.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45It's a sad end to a career!
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- They've got an acronym...- ISSA.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51International...Sanitary...
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Services...Anal.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58In brackets.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03It's on the outside of their building, they get a lot of complaints.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06OK, let's do another Labour leader, then, shall we?
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Ed Miliband.
0:15:07 > 0:15:13- Had a baby.- That's right, but there was a certain lack of humility in Ed's announcement at the hospital.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16We will be announcing the name in the coming days,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18but he's really gorgeous,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21he looks a bit like me, er...
0:15:21 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER
0:15:25 > 0:15:29You know the joke about the bloke who can't bear to be at the birth
0:15:29 > 0:15:33and he gets drunk and phones the hospital and gets the cricket ground by mistake?
0:15:33 > 0:15:40He says, "What's the latest?" and they say, "All ten are out and the last two were ducks."
0:15:40 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:45 > 0:15:51- Shall we have some happy news? - We just had some, we had a baby. - Well, yes, I suppose that...Yeah.
0:15:51 > 0:15:57- You're not against babies, are you? - No, I'm not but, as a woman, when you've had a baby,
0:15:57 > 0:16:03- you don't feel quite as joyful as your husband, who's half pissed on his way to the pub.- I know.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08You look like shit, you feel like shit and you want to stay in for 27 years.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12You've got the baby to keep you company.
0:16:12 > 0:16:19The weird thing is, when you've had a baby, your husband wants to have sex with you straight away.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24- Well, it's a bed.- Mine had to be removed from the birthing pool by security.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- A sad sight.- It was sad, absolutely. - Terrible story!
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- It's not true, Ian.- I know!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38It was by the police.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Some happy news this week from Ireland.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47Their government has worked out what it is that every recession-hit family needs.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- Which is?- Cheese. The Irish politician sometimes is a strange breed.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Everybody's going to be given a piece of cheese.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Free cheese from the government.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I don't know whether it will be pushed through your letterbox
0:16:59 > 0:17:01or given to the dog to take home.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06Apparently, you have to collect it from your local leisure centre.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09How long has the leisure centre been making cheese?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13What did Jeremy Paxman call this on Newsnight?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Cheesegate?
0:17:19 > 0:17:24Right, this is the latest proposal from Iain Duncan Smith at the Ministry for Work and Pensions,
0:17:24 > 0:17:28or as it'll soon be known, the Ministry for No Work and Hardly Any Pensions.
0:17:28 > 0:17:34Under coalition plans, unemployed people will be made to pick up all the litter in the streets,
0:17:34 > 0:17:38which these days is mostly ripped-up copies of the Lib Dem manifesto.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40ISOLATED CLAPPING
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Thank you for that one round of applause!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Paddy Ashdown.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48On a happier note, congratulations to Ed Miliband,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51who this week heard the pitter-patter of tiny feet
0:17:51 > 0:17:53as Hazel Blears popped round to see the new baby.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Yes, Ed has just provided his 17-month-old son Daniel
0:17:59 > 0:18:01with a younger brother.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02I say younger brother,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I mean deadly career rival.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08APPLAUSE
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Paul and Charlie, here's yours.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16OK. Ah, yes, George, clearly, George Bush...
0:18:16 > 0:18:18making... Oh.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Er, David Cameron in China.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- Obama, I think he's in India. - Oh, God.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Yes, this is coconuts and Obama.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29The Indian authorities were worried that a coconut might fall off a tree
0:18:29 > 0:18:33and hit him and they didn't want him involved in a slapstick accident
0:18:33 > 0:18:37that would become popular on YouTube, so they cut the coconuts off the trees
0:18:37 > 0:18:40and got rid of all banana skins on pavements
0:18:40 > 0:18:44and advised every person carrying a plank not to turn round quickly...
0:18:44 > 0:18:45LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:49..within 50 metres of the presidential visit.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Did they ban people from crossing the road with invisible panes of glass?
0:18:53 > 0:18:58- Exactly.- I was impressed that his dancing was worse than George Bush's.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03- Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about him. - He's obviously trying to prove to the American people
0:19:03 > 0:19:07that he's not too black by dancing like a white man.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- I think it's a bit unfair on white people, to be honest.- Well...
0:19:10 > 0:19:14This is the publication of former President George W Bush's memoirs.
0:19:14 > 0:19:20He was talking about waterboarding, he said it was perfectly right
0:19:20 > 0:19:24to do this because "my job is to protect America," is what he said.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26He said waterboarding was perfectly legal.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30In fact, he and Laura enjoyed a nice waterboarding holiday in the Everglades recently.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35They use this term "simulated drowning". That's something you watch on a video game.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39When someone's having water poured into you, you are drowning.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- It's not simulated.- It doesn't actually go in.- Doesn't it?- No.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48- It stays on something over your face. - Oh, really?- But you believe you're drowning.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51And everybody else who has a view says it's torture.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Well, it's the leisure activity of choice in Guantanamo Bay.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- And in Dulwich. Um... - LAUGHTER
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- Not much to do in Dulwich, though. - I tried it on my husband, he didn't like it much.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Do you know who Junior Birdman is?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08He's the son of Birdman.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13He probably is but he's also Bush's ghost writer.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17He gets the drawings and turns them into words.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21And what does George say was his toughest decision?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- Giving up alcohol?- It was indeed.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Which is the one decision we all wish he hadn't made.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31And he's a perfect example... well, he's an advert
0:20:31 > 0:20:35for the benefits of mass intoxication.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40- LAUGHTER - Well, he said about giving up drinking...
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I don't think we can quite grasp what that must have been like.
0:20:51 > 0:20:56Why did he say he hasn't been critical of Obama?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- He has not idea who he is? - What he actually said was...
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- It means to blow out a lot of hot air. - LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:11He does use a few weird words - sockdolager.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16That's a glove puppet, isn't it? Sockdolager.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19That's something unusually hard and heavy - me, in other words.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- APPLAUSE - Thank you!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- Paddy Ashdown again.- He gets around, doesn't he?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- He does, he's moving about. - He's over there now.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31It's his old SAS training, isn't it?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Moves like a panther, apparently.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39And how did Bush, according to his book, avoid bugs in a hotel rooms?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Slept on the roof.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Like a bloody idiot.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50That's the height of my political satire.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- Did he say nothing, to fool the bugs?- No, it's brilliant what he did.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57His security men would take a tent wherever they went,
0:21:57 > 0:22:01set it up in the room and he would sit inside and chat in it.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Inside some soundproof canvas?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Wow!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- I think it wasn't made of canvas. - Wasn't it?- No.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16I don't know what's soundproof... Lead or...
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Somebody had to get a lead tent up to the fourth floor?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I don't know, I'm not necessarily...
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Who's the lead tent for, guvnor?" "It's the President on the fourth floor."
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Where's Dave at the moment? - He's in China.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34He's going to talk about human rights briefly in a speech that nobody will have translated
0:22:34 > 0:22:39and in response we will organise business arrangements with them.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- That is...- And they're going to build 56 airports in the next five years.
0:22:43 > 0:22:50I was there once and it's a bit disturbing because all the airports are the same.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53You'd land at the same place you took off from two hours earlier.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57The Coca-Cola machine is in exactly the same place, it's all the same.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00You wouldn't expect that of China, would you?
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Who did Dave take with him to China?
0:23:07 > 0:23:11His specially commissioned photographer, paid to photograph him in all his loveliness.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16And a big trade delegation of wealthy businessmen to sign big trade deals for British companies.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Companies like Clyde Blowers.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22They're one of the biggest bloviating companies in the world.
0:23:22 > 0:23:29So, on this vitally important trade mission, who did the papers concentrate on?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Oh, the Jimmy Choo woman. - Yes, the Jimmy Choo shoe woman,
0:23:32 > 0:23:37- Tamara Melon.- She's a trade ambassador for Cameron and the coalition.- What type of shoes?
0:23:37 > 0:23:38High, glamorous shoes, mainly.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Stilettos, they're very useful in the rice paddies for, um...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44making holes.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48There we are, a typical Chinese paddy field worker.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53Sitting in Europe's biggest champagne glass.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Cameron's been appointing quite a lot of people to jobs recently.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01He's given this person a job, who looks quite glamorous.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06She's Anna Maren Ashford, who used to be head of brand communication for the Tories.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11She's now heading up the behavioural insight team in the Cabinet Office.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13She's got her work cut out then, hasn't she?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16What's it responsible for, any idea?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- Is it PR?- Well, it's -
0:24:21 > 0:24:23What, in the cabinet?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26She's waterboarding, basically.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Yes, it's International Statesman Week.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39George Bush has just published his memoirs called Decision Points.
0:24:39 > 0:24:44Bush's book was ghost written by speech writer Christopher Michel who said the morning he got the job:
0:24:50 > 0:24:54..which began, "Dear Mr Google, how come you know so much stuff?"
0:24:54 > 0:24:57LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Bush even claims to have had a heated argument with Cherie Blair about the death penalty,
0:25:02 > 0:25:06but ultimately he convinced her that Gordon Brown deserved to live.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10David Cameron met with China's premier Wen Jiabao.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13The issues of human rights and forced labour were briefly raised
0:25:13 > 0:25:18but Cameron brushed it aside, saying, "The unemployed SHOULD pick up litter."
0:25:18 > 0:25:20And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29BUZZER SALLY: Queen's on Facebook.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- Yeah.- I don't think you can be her friend on Facebook.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- I think you can only be a fan or a subject.- That's right.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Is she conducting a video conference there?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- Do you know what Facebook is, Ian? - Yes, I do know what...
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- It's the one that's not Twitter. - Yeah.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Tweeting is for the older, more discerning wastrel.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57What's her status, is it 'reigning'?
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Apparently, she doesn't update her status, lazy old bag.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14The sorts of things she puts on her Facebook page...
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Apparently, basically a fan page
0:26:16 > 0:26:18based on the daily Court Circular listings.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Blimey.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Oh, I think I've just come.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I'm sorry, that won't get out. They'll edit that.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Sorry, Ian.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43You didn't take much of a run-up.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48We old ladies have to be quick about it.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Does anyone know what pleasure the Queen will be denying her followers?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- Oh, yes! Poking.- That's right.- What?!
0:26:57 > 0:27:02- They won't be able to poke her. - Won't they?- No.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07All they'll be able to do is... "like" whatever she says she's up to.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Do you think she's got a wall full of pictures of her and Philip, drunk, going...?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I'd join Facebook if she did.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Also this week, lots of royal trivia was revealed in a new book -
0:27:22 > 0:27:25We Are Amused: A Royal Miscellany.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- Shall we play a little mini monarchy quiz?- Definitely.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Question one, what does the Queen absolutely hate and can spot at 20 paces?
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Prince Philip.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37APPLAUSE
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Clip-on bow ties.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42What did Prince Philip invent to keep the Queen happy?
0:27:42 > 0:27:43BUZZER
0:27:43 > 0:27:44ITV?
0:27:48 > 0:27:54No. The Queen hates the sound of ice cubes banging against each other in her gin and Dubonnet.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55So Philip...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07What's the Queen's favourite pastime at Balmoral?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Hiding in a chimney.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Making blancmanges.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Straining oxtail soup through her tights.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Could be anything, couldn't it?
0:28:23 > 0:28:28Apparently she enjoys trying to catch bats in the...
0:28:28 > 0:28:30LAUGHTER
0:28:30 > 0:28:35Wait a minute, it gets better. ..in the Great Hall, using only a footman and a pole with a net on it.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36LAUGHTER
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Is the footman on the end of the pole?
0:28:41 > 0:28:47And finally, what is white and leathery and taken with Prince Charles everywhere he goes?
0:28:47 > 0:28:48LAUGHTER
0:28:49 > 0:28:50Who's going to resist it?
0:28:52 > 0:28:54- I resisted it!- Me, too.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55- I'm not going there. - All right, it's -
0:29:00 > 0:29:02You can't call her that!
0:29:02 > 0:29:04That's not fair.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06APPLAUSE
0:29:08 > 0:29:11This is the news that the Queen now has a page on Facebook.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15No doubt the Queen has been inundated with requests from old schoolfriends
0:29:15 > 0:29:19keen to meet up. "So sad we lost touch. What are you up to these days?
0:29:19 > 0:29:22"Tell me you didn't marry that Greek tit."
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:29:29 > 0:29:30BUZZER
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Yes, this is clearly the BBC News strike
0:29:33 > 0:29:36because of the pension arrangements.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39I didn't see any of it but people stepped in and read the news
0:29:39 > 0:29:41and, in some cases, making it up.
0:29:41 > 0:29:46There was an extraordinary desperation because a lot of programmes went off the air.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49And one night, they couldn't put on Newsnight
0:29:49 > 0:29:54and instead they showed an old episode of Have I Got News For You?
0:29:55 > 0:29:56Sad!
0:29:57 > 0:29:58What was the episode?
0:29:58 > 0:30:001910.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03A lot of Kaiser gags in there.
0:30:05 > 0:30:09"Yeah, you and whose army, mate?"
0:30:09 > 0:30:15How did Jeremy Paxman anticipate the strike would affect things on Newsnight the following night?
0:30:15 > 0:30:16Shall we have a look?
0:30:17 > 0:30:19I don't think we need detain you any longer.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23Tomorrow night... I've no idea what's happening tomorrow night, so good night.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26APPLAUSE
0:30:26 > 0:30:30The economics editor of Newsnight was on the picket line, Paul Mason. PHONE RINGS
0:30:30 > 0:30:31Phone's ringing.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34PHONE RINGS
0:30:36 > 0:30:38APPLAUSE
0:30:40 > 0:30:41"Take the Viagra now."
0:30:49 > 0:30:52If you don't swallow it, you get a stiff neck.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58It's all right, we've got plenty of time.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02I'm very sorry. Can someone get rid of this thing?
0:31:02 > 0:31:04I can't work it at all.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09- Don't you know how to turn your own phone off?- No.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12Can you go and throw that away?
0:31:13 > 0:31:14Sorry.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17- That's all right.- I didn't even know I had it in my pocket.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22A phone that you've never seen before rings?
0:31:22 > 0:31:26This is the beginning of some sort of spy mystery, or something.
0:31:26 > 0:31:32- Let's move on and pretend it never happened.- It was a break from the enduring tedium of this news quiz.
0:31:32 > 0:31:37- What's the next bit?- I did tell Her Majesty "don't ring me at work."
0:31:39 > 0:31:43Now, the BBC weather presenter Tomasz Schafernaker caused a storm this week.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47- Any ideas what he did?- What, he CAUSED a storm? Personally?
0:31:47 > 0:31:49He outraged viewers.
0:31:49 > 0:31:55- Did he?- He presented his weather bulletin wearing jeans and a V-neck jumper.- Ooh!
0:31:55 > 0:31:57Here he is, look.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01- Was he the guy that gave the V-sign to one of the presenters?- Yes, ish.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05- When he thought he was out of the shot.- He was recently caught, live on air,
0:32:05 > 0:32:06making a rude gesture.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Now we'll have the weather forecast in a minute and, of course,
0:32:09 > 0:32:12it'll be 100% accurate and provide all the detail you could possibly want.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15I've just seen Tomasz Schafernaker preparing for it
0:32:15 > 0:32:16so I'm not entir...
0:32:16 > 0:32:21- Oh!- Every now and then there's only one mistake. That was it.
0:32:23 > 0:32:28Wasn't he suggesting there was a cyclone expected in the Midlands?
0:32:28 > 0:32:33He should have just pretended he was checking which way the wind was blowing!
0:32:33 > 0:32:38Which means at the end of this round it's Ian and Sally 3, Paul and Charlie with 3.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41APPLAUSE
0:32:43 > 0:32:46Time now for the odd one out.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Your four are Prince William,
0:32:48 > 0:32:50a passenger on a flight from Hong Kong to Vancouver.
0:32:50 > 0:32:55the Stig and the players representing Togo in a football match against Bahrain.
0:32:55 > 0:33:00- BUZZER - The football claimed to be representing Togo but they weren't,
0:33:00 > 0:33:04they went to play an international match but they weren't the national team.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07they were rather embarrassed, they lost quite heavily.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10I think this is about people using different identities
0:33:10 > 0:33:15- or pretending to have another identity.- Or is it identities being revealed? The Stig...
0:33:15 > 0:33:17His identity was revealed.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21The guy on the top right, that's actually a young man
0:33:21 > 0:33:25but he sneaked onto a flight from...Was it China? Hong Kong or somewhere.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28He went to the toilet and came back as a young man and sat down.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31Tried to blame it on the Nivea.
0:33:31 > 0:33:32Moisturising.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34Do we think Prince William's the odd one out?
0:33:34 > 0:33:39- No, you're in the right area but no.- Let's guess someone else.
0:33:40 > 0:33:45The man on the top right is the only one trying to pass himself off as Rupert Murdoch.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49- Let's go for the Stig. - Let's go for the Stig.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51We're going to go for the Stig.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53- Correct!- Wahey!
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Well done but we don't know why.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57APPLAUSE
0:33:57 > 0:34:01They've all tried to conceal their identity, apart from the Stig,
0:34:01 > 0:34:04who did so, much to the dismay of the Top Gear team.
0:34:04 > 0:34:10The BBC recently lost an injunction preventing racing car driver Ben Collins, aka the Stig,
0:34:10 > 0:34:13from revealing himself in his autobiography.
0:34:13 > 0:34:14The high court judge ruled that -
0:34:21 > 0:34:23In other words, who cares?
0:34:23 > 0:34:30This summer Prince William concealed his identity during a visit to McColl's mini-market
0:34:30 > 0:34:32in Blaenau Ffestiniog, Wales.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36What did the cashier say when Prince William approached the till?
0:34:36 > 0:34:38Hello, Your Majesty.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41Shop assistant Sioned Compton said -
0:34:44 > 0:34:46To which he replied -
0:34:48 > 0:34:49Cunning.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51She said -
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Cos he probably wasn't, love.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04A passenger on a flight from Hong Kong to Vancouver, as you said.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06Shall we have a look at how he transformed himself?
0:35:06 > 0:35:09That's sort of what he actually looked like.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12And here he is in his crafty disguise.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23Something I plan to do myself at some point in the evening.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27The players representing Togo in a football match against Bahrain.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31After a friendly between Togo and Bahrain it emerged the Togolese team
0:35:31 > 0:35:33weren't exactly who they said they were.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36What first around suspicions?
0:35:36 > 0:35:39- They were awful. They couldn't play football.- That's right.
0:35:39 > 0:35:44The Bahrainian team coach whose side won the fixture 3-0
0:35:44 > 0:35:47was surprised by the poor quality of the Togolese team, saying they had-
0:35:54 > 0:35:58Obviously, I would make a clever comparison to the England team's performance at the World Cup
0:35:58 > 0:36:02but sadly, it turns out I don't really give a shit.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:08 > 0:36:12So they have all tried to conceal their identity, apart from the Stig.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Sources at Top Gear say -
0:36:17 > 0:36:20In fact, he's since received death threats.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24Well, Richard Hammond offered him a lift home.
0:36:26 > 0:36:31Prince William recently tried to conceal his identity while shopping with Kate Middleton in Wales.
0:36:31 > 0:36:37The royal couple's shopping bill came to £12.60, the most ever spent in McColl's mini-market
0:36:37 > 0:36:43in Blaenau Ffestiniog since Prince Harry cleaned them out of vodka and Rizlas.
0:36:43 > 0:36:49Time now for the missing words round, which features, as its guest publication, Rat & Mouse Magazine.
0:36:49 > 0:36:54Available in vivisection laboratory receptions everywhere.
0:36:54 > 0:36:55And we start with...
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Is it, "If I was a boxer..."?
0:37:01 > 0:37:03LAUGHTER
0:37:07 > 0:37:11This is MP Paul Farrelly, who had an altercation with a newspaper vendor this week.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13It's the worst brawl in the House of Commons bar
0:37:13 > 0:37:15since John Prescott and Eric Pickles
0:37:15 > 0:37:20had a disagreement over who should have the last packet of pork scratchings.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23It's nice to see they're merging Eric Pickles into John Prescott.
0:37:23 > 0:37:28- It's a double act. Prescott will be eased out as... - Adjust the fat jokes for him.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30What about Eamonn Holmes? Where's he gone?
0:37:30 > 0:37:35He complained about Jon Culshaw doing an impression of him and suggesting that he was fat.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39- Yes.- And he got an apology from the BBC, Eamonn Holmes.- Really?
0:37:39 > 0:37:42So you're not allowed to mention his size in any way at all.
0:37:42 > 0:37:43It was a very funny sketch.
0:37:43 > 0:37:48He used to eat the sofa and then the guests would come in and Eamonn would have eaten the guests.
0:37:48 > 0:37:52It's a basic joke, cos he's rather overweight, which he is...
0:37:52 > 0:37:57So maybe we can bring that answer into... Because they'll have to use this round.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00So if every answer is "Eamonn Holmes is overweight,"
0:38:00 > 0:38:05- then we've made a point... or resigned, one way or the other! - OK. Right, your next one.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Imitate an overweight Eamonn Holmes!
0:38:14 > 0:38:15No - raise money for charity.
0:38:18 > 0:38:22According to Rat & Mouse magazine, their German owner is planning
0:38:22 > 0:38:26on bringing their stunt mouse show on tour to the UK next summer.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29So if you didn't get tickets for Take That, don't worry.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33- Shall we have another one? - Yes, go on, then.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38A seventh course? Er, no, thanks!
0:38:38 > 0:38:41Not mentioning anybody at all that it might refer to.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43CHARLIE: Another sofa?
0:38:45 > 0:38:47No mention... We'll get away with it.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49It's...
0:38:49 > 0:38:53This is a United Nations report on the best places in the world to live.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57According to the list, Australia is the second best place to live in the world,
0:38:57 > 0:39:00and New Zealand is the third. So here's a thought.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03Why don't you all piss off home and get a job in your own pubs?
0:39:06 > 0:39:09OK, next.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14CHARLIE: 50p off.
0:39:14 > 0:39:18Co-op boobs revealed as simply painted melons.
0:39:18 > 0:39:19Well, the answer is...
0:39:23 > 0:39:28This is the shopper who was charged £1.79 for a 79p pepper
0:39:28 > 0:39:32because the cashier's breasts were resting on the scales.
0:39:41 > 0:39:45Good job I wasn't serving. It would have cost her 40 quid!
0:39:45 > 0:39:50- Even worse, the cashier was a bloke!- Oh, dear.
0:39:51 > 0:39:52Next -
0:39:53 > 0:39:56SALLY: Rats! Where's the Pope?
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Ratzinger. That was his name.
0:39:58 > 0:40:02Bear is shitting in the woods but where's the Pope?
0:40:03 > 0:40:05The answer is -
0:40:07 > 0:40:11The Pope was photographed in Barcelona covered in smoke.
0:40:11 > 0:40:16According the Express, the Pope's presence prompted around 100 gay men to stage a -
0:40:18 > 0:40:23The Pope was disgusted - some of them were over 16 and all were consenting.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27APPLAUSE
0:40:29 > 0:40:30And finally -
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Bursts.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Teaches yoga.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40Yoda...
0:40:40 > 0:40:44Yoda classes for dyslexics at Stroud leisure centre.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55This is Yoda Reeves, 29, who's described by the Sun as a bachelor.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58Mmm, big surprise not, it is.
0:40:59 > 0:41:03So the final scores are - Ian and Sally have 4
0:41:03 > 0:41:08- and Paul and Charlie have 5! - Wey-hey!- Well done.
0:41:08 > 0:41:12That was your explaining about that bloke... Yeah.
0:41:13 > 0:41:17But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:41:17 > 0:41:21Man bouncing off Eamonn Holmes' stomach creates new Guinness World Record.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Ian Hislop and Sally Bercow,
0:41:28 > 0:41:29Paul Merton and Charlie Higson,
0:41:29 > 0:41:32and I leave you with news that in central London
0:41:32 > 0:41:36news gets out that Ed Miliband's new baby is keeping him up all night...
0:41:40 > 0:41:43In a bid to liven up his train journey home,
0:41:43 > 0:41:47one bored commuter sees how many peanuts he can get on target...
0:41:52 > 0:41:56And in Beijing zoo, as two pandas fail once again to mate,
0:41:56 > 0:41:59there's some unnecessary taunting from the cage next door...
0:42:02 > 0:42:03Good night.
0:42:28 > 0:42:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:42:32 > 0:42:36E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk