0:00:05 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- I'm Alan Johnson.- I'm Stephen Mangan.- I'm David Mitchell.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- I'm Miranda Hart.- I'm Bill Bailey.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50In the news this week, in Clydebank,
0:00:50 > 0:00:54there's a slightly embarrassing BBC report on the Navy submarine with only one toilet...
0:01:02 > 0:01:06In Soho, an enthusiastic trainee cameraman begins work
0:01:06 > 0:01:08on the set of Lesbian Nurses 3.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17In Westminster, David Cameron goes through the usual routine
0:01:17 > 0:01:21after shaking hands with some working class people.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And after his BBC salary is cut, Jeremy Paxman has no option
0:01:27 > 0:01:31but to take a second job on the QVC shopping channel.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Time to get yourself a nice warm woolly this autumn.
0:01:35 > 0:01:41It's available through any of the 300 high-street branches of Edinburgh Woollen Mill.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47- Paul and Russ, take a look at this. - Ah, right.- This is Miss BNP.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55I don't think he's a real policeman.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57We do these things so much better, don't we?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Weddings. Somebody said they employed lip readers to see what they said.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04She said "I do," at one point, he said "I do," at another.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Apparently Prince Charles, turned to Camilla, and through this lip reader, he said -
0:02:08 > 0:02:10INCOHERENT MUMBLING
0:02:12 > 0:02:14What nugget did David Cameron share with Nick Clegg?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I've never liked you.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- I want a divorce. - Yeah. He revealed...
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Let's be honest, she's a good-looking girl, but there's no need for that.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34That's not seemly. That is just disrespectful.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Oi, use the hymn book, use the hymn book.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44What's going to happen at Buckingham Palace at precisely 12:3Oam?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- They're turning the lights off. - Absolutely.
0:02:47 > 0:02:53All the foreign crews are furious, because their audiences will have just woken up.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57So, when the American broadcasters want to stand outside
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Buckingham Palace, and say "Here I am, live," it's going to be completely dark.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02How selfish of us!
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Why couldn't we time the wedding to be in the middle of the night here?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08And then the Americans could watch!
0:03:08 > 0:03:13I hope there are ad breaks, so that NBC can shove in an advert for,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16what is it, nachos, they have?!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25According to the Telegraph,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Kate has invited her very first boyfriend, Willem Marx.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33I like Williams that are too posh to bother with the "e" bit. "Willem."
0:03:34 > 0:03:36"What's your name?"
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Is it Bill, Will, William, Willem, murrrr?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Yeah.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45There's even a video wedding book for the public to sign.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48So let's have a look at some of the messages of good will
0:03:48 > 0:03:49and affection...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- LAUGHTER - ..that have been left so far.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59LAUGHTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Oh, ain't it lovely?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- Do I need to do this number six one? - Do Helen Mirren.- Yes, sorry.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21That's nice. We'd all like to do Helen Mirren but we've got to play a quiz show, mate.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25LAUGHTER That's what we do in here.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Helen Mirren played the Queen, of course.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33And here she is taking about John Geilgud on BBC Breakfast News.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37So that always inspired me. He always took kind of edgy choices.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Yes, and he swore a lot as I remember.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- Well, in that wonderful voice that he has.- Exactly!
0:04:43 > 0:04:47- You little shit!- Oh, no. We can't say that.- So sorry!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49That never happened.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54If you heard that, we're very sorry.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I felt sorry for Kate. I saw her this week
0:04:57 > 0:05:01and I think that she's looking thinner than I've ever seen her.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06That's what journalists always say. "Oh, she's so thin, isn't she?"
0:05:06 > 0:05:09No, I absolutely don't mean it like that.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Are we seeing the birth of a new mime artist here?
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Don't be horrible to me again.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:25You were horrible about me in Private Eye
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- and I rang you up.- Was I? - Yes. It's OK.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33And I rang you up and you went, "Yeah, I know. Sorry."
0:05:33 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Yes, this was the fairytale royal wedding.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42It was covered by the world's media, including the German newspaper Bild, which lamented:
0:05:48 > 0:05:49David Beckham wore his OBE,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52but breached etiquette by wearing it on the wrong side,
0:05:52 > 0:05:56but to be fair it was on the correct side when he checked in the mirror.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03This is obviously the News International story, the phone hacking, Hugh Grant.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07There's the editor of the News of the World doing some research.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10They've been phone hacking people for years, and said they weren't.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12They said it was the result of a "lone hacker".
0:06:12 > 0:06:16The editor the News Of The World at the time said he had no idea it was going on.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Why would he? He's editing the paper.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23I can tell you I have no idea what happens at all at Private Eye.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- No idea.- That is self-evident.- Yes!
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Who's good name has Hugh Grant dragged into this enquiry?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36He made the scurrilous assertion that the Daily Mail might have,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39in some way, been involved in phone hacking,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41which they refute entirely, I understand.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44The Daily Mail utterly refute this.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48The Daily Mail does not want to be associated with phone hacking.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51The last thing the Daily Mail wants
0:06:51 > 0:06:54is for its name to appear in the same headline
0:06:54 > 0:06:56as a phone hacking scandal.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01- Has that cleared that up? - Dirty Dan's Downton Scandal.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Did anyone read anything about other cast members
0:07:05 > 0:07:08in the phone hacking scandal this week?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Rebekah Wade, the former editor
0:07:11 > 0:07:14of the News of the World and the Sun, is having a baby,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16but it's through a surrogate,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19and she's asked for privacy.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22That is correct. She is expecting a baby via a surrogate mother.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Or as the Sun might have put it:
0:07:29 > 0:07:33How did News International senior executive, James Murdoch boast about
0:07:33 > 0:07:36the way the company was handling the scandal only a week ago?
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Well he said that they've contained the scandal and it's now in a box.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Yes, he said...
0:07:45 > 0:07:50- In a box marked "fuck up". - LAUGHTER
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- they called him a Mafia don.- Yeah.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Which isn't nice, is it?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Well they were very upset about it and they sent me
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- a letter of complaint. - Really?- Pinned to a horse's head.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05What happens to the rest of the horse?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Doesn't anyone get a horse's arse?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I suppose it must be for more minor misdemeanours.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14A horse's arse would be worse than a horse's head.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Waking up next to a horse's arse. There's something personal to that.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22You might say a horse's arse was more flirtatious though.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- Flirtatious? - That's an odd word to pick.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30That's an interesting window into your life.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35What, according to the Observer, did Rupert Murdoch do
0:08:35 > 0:08:37when Gordon Brown became PM
0:08:37 > 0:08:40and initiated an investigation into the phone hacking?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- He phoned up Number Ten.- Yeah.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Their source was an ex minister who wants to remain anonymous.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Do you think that Murdoch could just ring up Number Ten during your time there?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- I know nothing.- Is that why you were in the Cabinet?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- So what did you think of him, then? - What, Gordon?- Yeah.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- He was Prime Minister.- Yeah.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14And you can't have a more ringing endorsement than that.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17The News of the World may be dead, but it's wretched ghost continues to haunt.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19The News of the World paid a private investigator to carry out
0:09:19 > 0:09:22surveillance on the hacking victims' lawyer, Mark Lewis,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25which involved following the ex-wife of Mr Lewis
0:09:25 > 0:09:29and his teenage daughter as they visited a branch of Tesco.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Well, if you're looking to intimidate someone,
0:09:32 > 0:09:33every little helps.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40This is Wayne Rooney, who, this week, has had a hair transplant.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Do you know how the operation actually works?
0:09:43 > 0:09:47The find the hairs on his arse and pull them all the way through.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I knew it. I knew it.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Apparently, they dig out the hair follicles from a place
0:09:55 > 0:10:01- on his body where the hair's still growing and stick them on his head. - Exactly.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04How did the news leak out that Wayne had had a weave?
0:10:04 > 0:10:10He tweeted on Twitter. He showed his bonce, his arse bonce to the world.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13His bum head was displayed.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15There, old bottom nut.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Not bad but he was actually trying to take a picture
0:10:20 > 0:10:22of a dog having a shit.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23What, in his car?!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28What did his message that accompanied the picture say?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31My head feels great but my ass hurts a little bit.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38How would you describe Wayne's old hairstyle?
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- Defunct? Gone?- Technically, it's known as a widow's peak,
0:10:42 > 0:10:45which, for Wayne, is usually around 75.
0:10:45 > 0:10:52His avatar on the brand new Fifa '12 game will need to be altered
0:10:52 > 0:10:55as it features his old widow's peak.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58I think, if you look at the background of that photo,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01you can make out Ryan Giggs shagging his sister-in-law.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Basically, Ryan Giggs has spent an awful lot of money to ensure
0:11:07 > 0:11:11he has become world famous for stuff other than football.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15People still might be sued for telling people that it was him.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Yeah, that's right.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17The MP John Hemming,
0:11:17 > 0:11:23he said that apparently 75,000 people named Ryan Giggs on Twitter.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28It's not possible to arrest them all. You know, it's worth a go, though.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33The injunction is still in place. That's the thing - despite people keeping blabbing it out.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35There's a legal expert, Joshua Rozenberg,
0:11:35 > 0:11:39this is what he had to say about it.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Well, the law is clear.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44There is still a court order in force which says
0:11:44 > 0:11:48that we can't name Ryan Giggs as the person...
0:11:48 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:50D'oh!
0:11:53 > 0:11:58I'm pleased that we can say his name. I was getting fed up with every newspaper everyday,
0:11:58 > 0:12:02it was like, "Imogen Thomas has been having sexual liaisons with a man who cannot be named."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"What, Voldermort?!"
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I see why he did it cos if he gets the super injunction,
0:12:08 > 0:12:12he knows that if his identity was known, then people would know,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15not only who he was, but also that his marriage was on the rocks.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18And at that point, John Terry would be round his house...
0:12:19 > 0:12:22..like a sex-crazed whippet.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Yes, the worst kept secret in Britain is finally out.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Lawyers are a complete waste of money.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36As the row unfolded, thousands of Twitter users named
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Ryan Giggs in what the Daily Mail called...
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Top that Syria! Lightweights.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00As an elderly gentleman sits down to watch his favourite TV programme,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03he begins to wonder what the terrible racket outside is.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13There's evidence that some people already have access
0:13:13 > 0:13:16to the gruesome photo of Osama Bin Laden's dead body.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Yes, they got him. I expect that's the trouble over(!)
0:13:28 > 0:13:33That picture of them watching was weird, in the situation room, watching it on TV.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34It's a fascinating picture
0:13:34 > 0:13:37because you don't see what they're looking at.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Hillary Clinton looks so thoughtful. I like to think, if you look the other way,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44it would be Michelle showing them colour swatches...
0:13:46 > 0:13:51I like that other woman as well, right at the back, just peering in. "Is this Human Resources?"
0:13:54 > 0:13:58New evidence has emerged that US personnel practised for months
0:13:58 > 0:14:01on every aspect of the Osama operation including the burial at sea.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13So Gaddafi's dead, big comedy moment.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18That's Obama providing light sabres to the rebels.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Where was he found?- In a sewer.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26- A sewer pipe.- They're always found underground, never in the air.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31This is the thing. There must be something online called Tunnels For Tyrants.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33TFT.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37They learned the lesson this time. With Saddam, he was found and they had to put him on trial,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39but, luckily, this time, he was shot.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43So we didn't have to see the character witnesses
0:14:43 > 0:14:45turning out for Gaddafi.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Tony Blair...
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Do you know what else they were doing in Sirte,
0:14:50 > 0:14:51by way of celebration?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Were they dressing up as Gaddafi?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Dangerous, I would have thought.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Too soon.- Apparently, the shops were thrown open
0:14:59 > 0:15:02so people could help themselves to whatever they fancied.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05A tradition started in Tottenham this summer.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09How has Obama described the US involvement in Libya?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13He's not involved, he's just gone over to complain about the noise.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Yeah. He's described it as...
0:15:17 > 0:15:18and...
0:15:20 > 0:15:24And behind the scenes, he referred to the Libya situation as...
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Did they cut the crusts off. I don't like crusts.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Did anyone see Sarah Palin's reaction on Fox News?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36She came up with a new word for it.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41I haven't heard the president say we are at war and that's why I too
0:15:41 > 0:15:46am not knowing, do we use the term "intervention," do we use, "war,"
0:15:46 > 0:15:49do we use, "squirmish"? What is it?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- 1st birthday. - That looks lovely, that cake.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02Look, it's all sad now, one year on. Aw!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04He's so lonely!
0:16:08 > 0:16:12It's coalition government. You share the responsibilities.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15The Conservatives do the winning and...
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Was anyone surprised by the AV vote?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26No. All the polls said it would go that way and it did.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29The AV campaign saw politicians from different parties teaming up,
0:16:29 > 0:16:33such as Ed Miliband and Vince Cable and David Cameron and John Reid
0:16:33 > 0:16:37in the semi-finals of bald old man and shiny, posh friend of the earth.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46- There he is - Foxy Knoxy. Now where is Adam Werrity?- Is this a new game?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Where's Werrity? It would be fantastic.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52You'd get a huge picture and you'd have to guess -
0:16:52 > 0:16:55"Oh, he's the tall one who hasn't got a proper pass."
0:16:55 > 0:17:01The new prime minister came in and said, it's a real problem in the previous government - lobbying.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04That's the big scandal. We're going to sort out lobbying.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07So in the biggest ministry with the biggest budget,
0:17:07 > 0:17:11there's a bloke there and no one knows who he is!
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Now what did Liam Fox actually do
0:17:13 > 0:17:16when the issue hit the headlines last week?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- He demanded an immediate inquiry into what he'd been doing.- He did.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24And if he found out that any wrongdoing had occurred, he'd be the first to know about it.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28He'd be extremely disappointed if that was the case.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31And Liam Fox used a curious phrase in the House of Commons when
0:17:31 > 0:17:35he was asked if Werrity had made any money from their friendship.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39- Yes, he denied there was any "transactional behaviour".- Yes.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Try that next time!
0:17:41 > 0:17:46People don't language like that if they've not got something to hide. That's a weird thing to say.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Are you suggesting that the Minister of Defence has something to hide?!
0:17:50 > 0:17:55Why do you keep picking up on that, that's obviously what we're all suggesting!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Well, I'm shocked!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Absolutely shocked.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03He did one of those brilliant apologies that politicians do.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- He said, "Mistakes were made." - That's right.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Well, by who? You at all?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10It's his brilliant use of the passive.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13An impression of wrongdoing.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Funny, you get that impression when someone's been wrongdoing.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20This is my impression of wrongdoing.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23According to BBC News...
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Either that or his wife had just come home early.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39At the annual professional tennis players' dinner
0:18:39 > 0:18:42one player finds out he's got to sit beside Andy Murray.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00As he arrives late from his hotel for the Euro summit,
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Nicholas Sarkozy explains how he got trapped in the folding bed.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14And at a Paris fashion show, an open window causes a slight breeze.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22She's fine. Way-hey! I'm fine... Oh!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Oh, yes. This is the travellers being run out of...
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Olympic Stadium's coming on well.
0:19:38 > 0:19:44That is the demolition of part of the Dale Farm travellers' site.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47It had been reported that several people have been Tasered.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Many Essex residents thought this was a new beauty treatment.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54It's about 10 years this has been going on.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58They have spent 18 million quid on 40 families.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01It's the most staggering waste of time and effort.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04People said, "I can't believe this much money has been spent."
0:20:04 > 0:20:07At least turn it into some kind of show.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12The caravan being evicted this week will be...
0:20:15 > 0:20:18What's the other protest that's been going on peacefully?
0:20:18 > 0:20:23That's the protest outside St Paul's against the terrible world economy.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27They tweet about it on their iPhones in-between getting cafe lattes
0:20:27 > 0:20:29and housing themselves in some very fancy tents.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33They are against capitalism except for the lattes.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36So if they buy coffee, their opinions are worthless?
0:20:36 > 0:20:40If they prop up a corporate titan like Starbucks,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43they have to ask themselves how much of capitalism they really don't like.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46You can't negate them because they drink coffee.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49That's like saying to a condemned man, on the way to the gallows,
0:20:49 > 0:20:54when he's blubbing, "You ate your last meal, what's the matter?"
0:20:54 > 0:20:56You can't be against capitalism
0:20:56 > 0:21:00and then take everything that it provides.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"Everything"?! A cup of coffee?!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05One cup of coffee and they can't...
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Can't they be about... Sorry. No, no, no.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14It's just so obvious, I can't be bothered.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16What were you going to say?
0:21:16 > 0:21:20You don't have to want to return
0:21:20 > 0:21:24to a barter system in the Stone Age to complain about the way the financial crisis
0:21:24 > 0:21:27affected large numbers of people in the world, do you?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Even if you're having a cup of coffee and you've got a tent.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33CHEERING
0:21:37 > 0:21:40What did Matthew Watkinson, an extra from Downton Abbey...?
0:21:40 > 0:21:46If he's drunk coffee, I'm not interested. He's worthless.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- His opinion is of no value at all. - Not a rich TV star.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53If I can smell espresso on your breath, get out of here.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56He told the Mail about why he was at the camp. He said...
0:22:01 > 0:22:05The most violent protests saw young people go on the rampage in Italy.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09To be fair, if anyone's guilty of screwing the younger generation, it's Silvio Berlusconi.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19- Berlusconi obviously.- This is the passing of a comedy legend!
0:22:19 > 0:22:24He's not embarrassed by anything, that's his secret.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28That little dance he was doing, he was impersonating a disabled person.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- Yep.- That's someone who's not easily embarrassed then.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- It's his Ricky Gervais act. - In our country,
0:22:37 > 0:22:42we've taken the decision not to give Ricky Gervais much fiscal power.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Meanwhile, the German government has discovered it's going
0:22:45 > 0:22:49to get £14 billion more in tax this year than it expected
0:22:49 > 0:22:52and unemployment is at its lowest for 20 years...
0:22:52 > 0:22:54which is great news.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Good for them.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Lucky, lucky old Germans.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Couldn't have happened to a nicer country.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06APPLAUSE
0:23:06 > 0:23:11While Germany's having a nice time, Greece is still struggling.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Jeremy Paxman upset the Greeks on Newsnight this week.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Anyone see this?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20It was a bit aggressive even by Paxo standards.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23He'd obviously had a dodgy kebab
0:23:23 > 0:23:28on the way in and he just went for the bloke.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Here he is talking to a Greek man.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32It is not the fault of the rest of the European Union.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37It is the fault of the Greeks. Why is it the Greeks are so dishonest?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39GROANING
0:23:39 > 0:23:46The paradox is that, if they are so dishonest, he's not going to give an honest answer.
0:23:46 > 0:23:53- Shall we play name seven things the Greeks invented according to the Sun?- Yes. Let's.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58- Feta cheese.- No.- Democracy. - Democracy is one of them, yes.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02- The Olympics.- Yes.- Nana Mouskouri.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03- Yes, but they didn't put that there. - Drama.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Yes, theatre is one of them. Mazes,
0:24:06 > 0:24:13the Olympics, democracy, theatre, geometry, lesbians...
0:24:19 > 0:24:20..and N-Dubz.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25There was quite a drop-off after they created democracy, wasn't there?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Italy's current debt stands at...
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Still, could be worse. It could be in lire.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40And so to round 2, the cloche of news.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Carson the butler will lift the cloche revealing an item
0:24:43 > 0:24:45or items relating to a news story of the week.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51BUZZER
0:24:51 > 0:24:57Is this the film of the gentleman chasing his dog, Benton?
0:24:57 > 0:25:01A dog who was chasing deer and he was just screaming "Benton!"
0:25:01 > 0:25:04He's not come forward, but some youth, as they always do,
0:25:04 > 0:25:08was filming it on his mobile telephone device.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11It's got over a million hits on YouTube or something.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- Is absolutely the right answer. - Is absolutely the right answer?!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17APPLAUSE
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Shall we have a look at internet sensation...
0:25:20 > 0:25:24If we don't, I'll fight anyone who says we can't.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Benton! Benton! Benton!
0:25:29 > 0:25:36Benton! Benton!
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Benton!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Benton!
0:25:55 > 0:25:59- Following this, Benton went viral and both he and Jesus...- Why?!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Why did people think that was entertaining?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Totally out of focus camera shots, some deer in the background,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13some bloke shouting "Benton" and millions of people have watched it.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I'm in the wrong business.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Do we know what the latest controversy about Benton is?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- He's a glove puppet. - His real name's Fenton.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Is absolutely right.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28No.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Does anyone know what the Sun's headline for the Benton story was?
0:26:31 > 0:26:36Humanity reaches the bottom of the barrel.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44We are all doomed. The last person to leave the planet, tell Fenton.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Human beings duped into watching crap on new invention.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55It was...
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- The Sun ended its report... - This gets worse and worse.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Is there no piece of redeeming quality in this story anywhere?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- No. - The Sun ended its report saying...
0:27:09 > 0:27:13And the good news is that they've tracked down Benton and his owner
0:27:13 > 0:27:17and the dog's been destroyed. I'm only joking, animal lovers.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19That was the best bit.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24The other animal news, you'll be pleased to hear, Paul...
0:27:24 > 0:27:29Can anyone tell me what Gavin, the world's most sarcastic gorilla, has been up to this week?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Gavin lives at Jerusalem Zoo. According to the Metro...
0:27:50 > 0:27:55This is Benton the dog who became an internet hit after chasing deer in Richmond Park.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58The next time Benton's owner left the park, he took no chances.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00He left the dog at home and went on his bike.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Whoa!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Now, that was worth seeing.
0:28:14 > 0:28:20The M1 was closed and a fella in a dressing gown
0:28:20 > 0:28:22did his ironing on it.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25There was a fire on the M1. I knew about it.
0:28:25 > 0:28:30As I was driving along, my sat nav melted.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32How did he explain his behaviour? What did he say?
0:28:32 > 0:28:35I've been under a lot of stress.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37I've got a pressing engagement.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49What did the Highways Agency have to say about the whole thing?
0:28:49 > 0:28:52If we'd had a gun, we would have shot him dead.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55How's that for irony?!
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Papers were quick to criticise slow-moving transport chiefs.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01What, in particular, did they pick up on?
0:29:01 > 0:29:04There was a fire under the bridge and, as far as I know,
0:29:04 > 0:29:05most of the M1 is still closed
0:29:05 > 0:29:11whereas the Japanese has a tsunami and their motorways are up and open.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15Absolutely right. The papers pointed out that the Japanese motorway ripped apart
0:29:15 > 0:29:17by the earthquake was completely restored
0:29:17 > 0:29:22six days later, but, to be fair, no-one has stuck up for British workers and said
0:29:22 > 0:29:25our motorways came through the Japanese earthquake unscathed.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31There's great comfort in those words.
0:29:31 > 0:29:36This is the closure of the M1 causing motorists marginally more misery than usual.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39Apparently there were already plans to reinforce the northbound
0:29:39 > 0:29:42stretch of the M1 after rumours that Eric Pickles was planning
0:29:42 > 0:29:44to give John Prescott a lift home for Easter.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50Sorry, Pickles.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54You're sorry?! I'm the one who'll get it in the neck on Tuesday morning.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Has he got no sense of direction?
0:29:58 > 0:30:01HE MOUTHS
0:30:06 > 0:30:08BELL
0:30:08 > 0:30:09The clue is the ferry.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11This is the English rugby team coming back from
0:30:11 > 0:30:13their not very happy World Cup and
0:30:13 > 0:30:16this is a member of the team deciding the best way to celebrate
0:30:16 > 0:30:19being knocked out was to jump off the ferry and swim to the nearby
0:30:19 > 0:30:21pontoon, I suppose they're called.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24This is another story in the disastrous tour abroad
0:30:24 > 0:30:26for the English rugby team.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Do you know the name of the guy that jumped off the ferry?
0:30:29 > 0:30:34- No, I don't.- It starts with M and it sounds a bit New Zealand-y.
0:30:34 > 0:30:40Moichael! Moichael! Moi name's Moichael.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43That's terrible.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47His name is Manu Tuilagi. Do you know what the repercussions were?
0:30:47 > 0:30:50He met David Walliams.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57England coach Martin Johnson also said he had been...
0:31:04 > 0:31:08Mike Tindall got into trouble when he was seen in a bar with an old flame.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Old flame meaning ex-girlfriend,
0:31:10 > 0:31:13not something shooting out of a rugby player's buttocks.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Time now for the odd-one-out round.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Tim Henman.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20The Kismot killer curry.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Ken Livingstone and Sooty.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25Sooty was always asking "What did you say?"
0:31:25 > 0:31:26Ken appears to be a bit deaf.
0:31:26 > 0:31:31Tim's saying, "Did you say, 'Come on, Tim?'"
0:31:31 > 0:31:33And that curry makes you deaf.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39That's the worst answer this programme's ever had!
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Ever, on anything.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43In any answer in anything in the history of man.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Give him the points for sheer inannity.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50- Unfortunately, it's not true. - Not true? How can it not be true?
0:31:50 > 0:31:53Sooty's always saying, "What did you say?"
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Ken Livingstone's deaf.
0:31:55 > 0:31:59Tim can't hear people saying, "Come on, Tim!"
0:31:59 > 0:32:01So the curry's the odd one out. It's not a glove puppet,
0:32:01 > 0:32:04wasn't mayor of London and has never played tennis at Wimbledon.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07The more you say that, the more convincing it sounds.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11- Can you give us a clue? - It's something to do with things going wrong in your body.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15- What might a very, very hot curry do to you?- Diarrhoea?- Yes.
0:32:15 > 0:32:19- Oh, how unpleasant. - Well not really that.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Sooty's clearly the odd one out, then.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24If he isn't, I feel sorry for the person operating him.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29I had at the back of my mind that Sooty threw a pizza at somebody.
0:32:29 > 0:32:34- He did.- Paul Daniels. And it hurt his eye and he had to go to hospital.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37- What kind of pizza?- Sharp pizza.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40Pepperoni and razor blade pizza.
0:32:42 > 0:32:46- Tim Henman's the odd one out.- Tim Henman IS the odd one out. But why?
0:32:46 > 0:32:49Because I've said everybody else and that was wrong.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51You got very close.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Someone went to hospital after a fracas at a party with Ken.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57- No, he fell down some steps. - It's got to be food based.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01Did he fall down some steps and accidentally throw a pasty at someone?
0:33:01 > 0:33:04It's not a someone, it's an animal.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Did he throw a bun at a lemur?
0:33:06 > 0:33:09LAUGHTER
0:33:09 > 0:33:10That's not far off the answer.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12A doughnut at a swan?
0:33:16 > 0:33:19You could get it around its neck, like hoopla.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23- You'd better tell us. - I will tell you.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26You were right - Tim Henman is the odd one out.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28They've all caused someone to be hospitalised,
0:33:28 > 0:33:32apart from Tim Henman, whose 2007 Wimbledon performance caused
0:33:32 > 0:33:37Jack Duckworth actor Bill Tarmey to have a heart attack.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Two contestants in a curry eating contest
0:33:39 > 0:33:42at the Kismot Curry House in Edinburgh were hospitalised
0:33:42 > 0:33:46after suffering a violent reaction to the Kismot killer curry.
0:33:46 > 0:33:51According to the Daily Mail they were left...
0:33:51 > 0:33:55That's called a night out in Edinburgh.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58One of the victims curiously named, Curie Kim,
0:33:58 > 0:34:01described the Kismot killer curry experience.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14That would make it worse, wouldn't it?
0:34:14 > 0:34:18Being stabbed with a knife that had been dipped in BBQ sauce.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21It was revealed this week that Ken Livingstone contributed to
0:34:21 > 0:34:23the hospitalisation of Guy the Gorilla.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Why? Was he doing the operation?
0:34:38 > 0:34:42And according to the Sun Paul Daniels was hospitalised this summer...
0:34:44 > 0:34:46And who can blame him?
0:34:49 > 0:34:51The incident lead to a huge debate on Twitter.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54Which, according to the Mail, was fuelled by...
0:34:56 > 0:34:59What - as opposed to the real Sooty account,
0:34:59 > 0:35:03where Sooty lets his fans know what he really thinks.
0:35:03 > 0:35:04Charlie Chaplin.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06Never heard of him.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Goldfish in Stockport, Baroness Warsi
0:35:09 > 0:35:11and a house in Swansea.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14The only house in the news is the one that looks like Hitler.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17There's a house in Swansea that looks like Hitler?!
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Hitler's only got one hall.
0:35:19 > 0:35:25There's a house that has a porch and a sloped roof that looks a bit...
0:35:25 > 0:35:29Yeah, Nuremberg rallies when he had a bit off guttering round the side of his head.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33So, if there's a house that looks like Hitler, Charlie Chaplin with
0:35:33 > 0:35:36the moustache which later was appropriated by Hitler.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39So has the goldfish or Baroness what's-her-name got a Hitler moustache?
0:35:39 > 0:35:42There is a fish that looks a bit like Hitler.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44That lets us off then.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48So Baroness what's-her-name is the odd one out cos she's the only one
0:35:48 > 0:35:52who's never been compared to Hitler.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55They've all been likened to Hitler apart from Baroness Warsi
0:35:55 > 0:35:58who has recently been likened to Goebbels.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00I have to show a picture of the house that looks like Hitler.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03I'm on tenterhooks.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Yeah, sort of.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11He wants to get rid of that 'pole' in front of it, by the way.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15APPLAUSE
0:36:17 > 0:36:21The goldfish in Stockport has been likened to Hitler...
0:36:24 > 0:36:27Well, a cross between Hitler and Roy Orbison.
0:36:29 > 0:36:34His name of course is Adolphish.
0:36:34 > 0:36:39This allowed the Sun to dust off some photos from the website...
0:36:41 > 0:36:43Would you like to see a picture of Mein Fuhrer?
0:36:48 > 0:36:51That's fantastically good.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54It looks more sinister than Hitler.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57I'd rather have Hitler on my lap than that cat.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01You know your own business best.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03Time for the missing words round...
0:37:07 > 0:37:09..To tour with Smashing Pumpkins.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11APPLAUSE
0:37:17 > 0:37:21These are melons that exploded as a result of a growth chemical.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24A story which caused total panic in the Katie Price household.
0:37:24 > 0:37:25Next -
0:37:28 > 0:37:30That cartoon of Mohammed.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34Don't broadcast that. It was just for us.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38No, no. Just for you, just for you.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41APPLAUSE
0:37:46 > 0:37:52A group of Finnish lawyers has suggested new EU sexual harassment laws should cover women eating
0:37:52 > 0:37:55ice creams provocatively in front of male colleagues.
0:37:55 > 0:38:00I wouldn't do that. I always make sure I'm alone before I open my Mivvi.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11Do you get a 99 with that?
0:38:13 > 0:38:15Or cheese and pickle, the choice is yours.
0:38:15 > 0:38:19The furry dolphin, the cheese and pickle, what do you want?
0:38:23 > 0:38:24The answer is...
0:38:28 > 0:38:31One-woman musical version of Titus Andronicus.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Scarf and hot pants combo.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40Geordie accent.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Chest wig.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47It is tattoo.
0:38:52 > 0:38:53Er, rare.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56Herr Haha.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00I think, Ian, you're near enough to it.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03There's some survey, ranking countries how funny they are,
0:39:03 > 0:39:05the Germans came bottom.
0:39:08 > 0:39:12It was voted for, largely, by countries who the Germans had invaded at some stage.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15The Germans are not a funny race. Knock, knock.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18Who's there? The Gestapo. That's it.
0:39:21 > 0:39:25We're going to have the German ambassador complaining
0:39:25 > 0:39:26to this programme again.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29- ACCENTED:- For you, Ambassador, the joke is over.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Told to get to the end of the 'cue'.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43APPLAUSE
0:39:45 > 0:39:46Told he needs a break.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50You're going to do them all.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53Should have a rest on the bottom cushion.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55Screw back for the brown.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59Has learnt his lesson.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03Will not sit by a snooker table yawning.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11I'm going to win that contest.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Photograph in there, go on!
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:20 > 0:40:24Big tall guy and little small guy go on a trip.
0:40:25 > 0:40:29This is the worst game of strip poker I've ever played!
0:40:31 > 0:40:35Snowman melts and reveals hidden identity.
0:40:37 > 0:40:38Sarge, we thought this would be
0:40:38 > 0:40:41quicker than turning the place upside down.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43APPLAUSE
0:40:45 > 0:40:50I leave you with news of a worrying sight for Michael Jackson's doctor as he arrives for his LA trial.
0:40:54 > 0:40:59In Alabama, the inquest begins as to who put their new denim jeans in the washing machine.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07At a meeting of the G8 countries, there's a tense moment
0:41:07 > 0:41:12as Silvio Berlusconi prepares to address the Japanese prime minister.
0:41:13 > 0:41:17In Windsor, there's evidence squirrels may have developed rudimentary weapons.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Good night.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:43 > 0:41:46E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk