0:00:27 > 0:00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Good evening and Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46In the news this week, while watching the Tory Conference on TV,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50one viewer is surprised to get a mention in Theresa May's speech.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Police admit they should have reacted more forcefully
0:01:02 > 0:01:06after Colonel Gaddafi is discovered living in a bedsit in Sheffield.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09What we'll do is keep on calling you over the next few weeks,
0:01:09 > 0:01:14just to see what you're up to, who you're hanging around with.
0:01:14 > 0:01:19And after drowning his sorrows at a depressing Labour Party conference,
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Alistair Darling decides it's time to head home.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39On Ian's team tonight
0:01:39 > 0:01:42is a writer with a well-known love for the English language, who says:
0:01:48 > 0:01:52I typed that out myself. Please welcome Victoria Coren.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56APPLAUSE
0:01:58 > 0:02:00And with Paul tonight
0:02:00 > 0:02:03is a comedy writer of Father Ted and The IT Crowd,
0:02:03 > 0:02:07who in the past has declared, "Most people think a show is made up
0:02:07 > 0:02:10"by the cast as they go along."
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Oh, dear, I haven't been given a punchline for that one.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Please welcome Graham Linehan.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22APPLAUSE
0:02:25 > 0:02:30So to round one, shall we play a game of Fox Or Cat?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Ian and Victoria, you get the first go.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Let's see if it's fox or cat.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46That is the best game I've ever played.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48GRAHAM: I don't understand it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53You will. It's landed on Fox, here's your foxy footage.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Right.- There he is, Foxy Knoxy.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02- We're looking for the mystery man. - Where's Adam Werritty?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Is this a new game, Where's Werritty?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08You get a huge picture and you have to guess.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11He's the tall one who hasn't got a proper pass.
0:03:11 > 0:03:17This, of course, relates to the close friendship between Liam Fox and Adam Werritty.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20And they are close, there's no denying that.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Let's have a look at Liam Fox, shall we?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Ah, look, there's Adam Werritty.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Here's Liam Fox again.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Ah... There's Adam again.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33And here's Liam Fox again.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Oh, who's that with him?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40That's his wife.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And... Ah, there he is!
0:03:45 > 0:03:49You say that it's his wife, it could be a cut-out of her head stuck on his shoulder.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I bet he was delighted when he heard this show was coming back.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Our mystery guest is... Adam Werritty!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00He seems to have brought somebody with him.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03No, they just met accidentally outside!
0:04:03 > 0:04:07People in the Press have been making a lot of the fact that he's 17 years younger,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10he shared a house with him, he got him a job.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Fox, by the time this goes out, he may not be in a job any more,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17because the Prime Minister said he had his full support.
0:04:18 > 0:04:25It's so British that everyone is upset about it. Liam Fox is the Defence Secretary.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Is it British to be upset about possible corruption?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Because, most of the time, what Liam Fox is doing is making sure
0:04:32 > 0:04:35weapons and guns go all around the world.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40Usually we then decide five minutes later they are evil and we have to go and fight them.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Then he's in charge of making sure British soldiers go off
0:04:43 > 0:04:46under-equipped, under-funded to be killed.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48That's not his actual job remit.
0:04:48 > 0:04:55- Then it turns out he's taken this friend out to a steak house, that's the moral problem.- Yes.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59It's like finding out Peter Sutcliffe has a parking ticket.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I suppose one of the moral problems is that
0:05:01 > 0:05:03the new Prime Minister came in and said,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06"it's a real problem in the previous government,
0:05:06 > 0:05:10"lobbying, that's the big scandal, we're going to sort it out."
0:05:10 > 0:05:14So, in the biggest ministry, with the biggest budget,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17there's a bloke there and no-one knows who he is!
0:05:17 > 0:05:22So old Werritty turns up and there's a four-star American general,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26the Israeli Ambassador and the Defence Minister says, "Have you met Adam?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30"He isn't vetted by security, he's got no pass,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33"would you like to tell him about your job?"
0:05:33 > 0:05:35"Yes, fine, that would be super."
0:05:35 > 0:05:40You say four-star American general, is that one with excellent restaurant facilities?
0:05:40 > 0:05:45The Press enjoyed it, particularly the cartoonists, they had a field day.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Here's the Sun, they liked it.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Because his name's Fox, get it?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55The Telegraph and the Independent had much the same idea,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58but at least we can rely on Newsnight to raise the tone.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Let's have a look:
0:06:00 > 0:06:06'Labour MPs are not normally in favour of fox-hunting...'
0:06:06 > 0:06:09VOICEOVER DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:16What's he doing in the long grass and is he there on his own?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18You say the Press have gone overboard.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23But Mr Werritty, he's his friend and when Mr Fox was health spokesman,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Mr Werritty had a health consultancy.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30When he became defence spokesman, he had a defence consultancy.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33There's a lot of coincidences in life, aren't there?
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I hate to come back to this, but he is the Defence Secretary.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- It is the most evil post in the Cabinet.- It's not an evil post!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44He should be dressing as Skeletor.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Shall we have a look at the business card he was giving out?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50It looks quite posh, doesn't it?
0:06:50 > 0:06:54VICTORIA: He might as well print on it, "my friend's got a proper job."
0:06:54 > 0:06:56He hasn't thought this through
0:06:56 > 0:06:58because he's crossed out the phone numbers.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02The word "adviser" stupidly, a lot of people have interpreted
0:07:02 > 0:07:05as meaning, he was an adviser.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07As opposed to an old friend who used to live in his flat.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Easy mistake to make.
0:07:09 > 0:07:15The Mail On Sunday strangely tried to get some speculation going about their relationship.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18They got right to the heart of the matter:
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Here's their evidence.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30To be fair, they are at a wedding. Let's try this one.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38- What are they doing there? - That is a bit weird.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42David Cameron was asked about his best man during the week.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Shall we take a look at what he said?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Have you ever taken your best man on a business trip?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Um, I had two best men, actually
0:07:49 > 0:07:53and I don't think I've ever taken either of them on a business trip.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Ooh, two best men!
0:07:58 > 0:08:03What did Liam Fox actually do when the issue hit the headlines?
0:08:03 > 0:08:07He demanded an immediate inquiry into what he'd been doing.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10If he found any wrongdoing, he'd be the first to know about it
0:08:10 > 0:08:13and he would be extremely disappointed.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16"Find out if I've done anything wrong.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18"If you've been lying to me, I'll find out!"
0:08:18 > 0:08:23And how many meetings did Liam Fox initially say he'd had with
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Werritty when he was asked? - Six.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- 14. 14, apparently.- He meant 40.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- Well, by Wednesday, it had indeed gone up to 40.- 40.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- Easy slip to make.- Yes.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37And they met 18 times abroad
0:08:37 > 0:08:40and 22 times in this country, so far as we know.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43And Liam Fox used a curious phrase in the House of Commons
0:08:43 > 0:08:47when he was asked if Werritty had made any money from their friendship.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Yes, he denied there was any "transactional behaviour."
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Try that next time!
0:08:53 > 0:08:58People don't use language like that if they've not got something to hide. That's a weird thing to say.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Are you suggesting the Minister of Defence had something to hide?
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Why do you keep saying that?
0:09:03 > 0:09:07That's obviously what we are all suggesting.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Well, I'm shocked.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10APPLAUSE
0:09:10 > 0:09:14He did one of those brilliant apologies that politicians do.
0:09:14 > 0:09:21- He said, mistakes were made. - That's right.- By whom? You, at all?
0:09:21 > 0:09:25It's this brilliant use of the passive. An "impression" of wrongdoing.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Funny, you get that impression when someone's been wrong-doing!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32This is my impression of wrongdoing.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37That's really good!
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- Who was paying him? - Oh yes, well... Oh, Atlantic Bridge.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44He was given 90 grand by Atlantic Bridge.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47A charity supposed to improve relations between
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Britain and America or just Britain and American arms companies.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- That really needs a charity. - Absolutely heart-warming.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Not quite as attractive as donkey sanctuaries, is it?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Do you know where Werritty was living in 2002, rent-free?
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Sorry, I mean, without any transactional behaviour?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09He was living in Mr Fox's flat.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13He was, funded almost entirely out of Liam Fox's expenses as an MP.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18It is worth reminding ourselves that in order to renovate this flat,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Liam Fox upped the mortgage on it by £180,000,
0:10:21 > 0:10:25and then he upped his MP expense claims to cover it.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Which means in a way, you and I were paying for Adam Werritty's accommodation.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31It gives you a nice warm feeling.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- Let's go to Dubai for a bit. - Ooh, let's.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- What a lovely place it is. - Indeed.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41It's the kind of place where nothing shady ever goes on.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42It's very hot.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Be fair, that might be the best joke of the night!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56That might be a highlight at the end of this.
0:10:56 > 0:11:02What did Liam Fox say about how the meeting had come about?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04He said it came about by accident.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08He said, Werritty happened to be in Dubai, Fox happened to be arriving the next day.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12As luck would have it, Werritty happened to be in a restaurant in Dubai
0:11:12 > 0:11:16and the American businessman happened to be on the next table.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Bloody hell, that was lucky, wasn't it?
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Here's the American businessman concerned, Harvey Boulter.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26He's got a nice pair of big, yellow trousers on.
0:11:26 > 0:11:32GRAHAM: That's the kind of guy you just know he's a really nice guy.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Ladies in bikinis don't just trust anybody.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38They're not ladies in bikinis, they're special advisers!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46What did Adam Werritty have regular access to?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Take that any way you want.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Is that the answer? That can't be the answer.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- Access to his diary. - Absolutely right.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02So, when he was returning home from a war-zone,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Mr Werritty knew where he would be.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06You would think, if he had access to his diary,
0:12:06 > 0:12:11he'd be able to plan ahead a bit more, rather than relying on chance.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16Yes, this is the only bit of Fox News worth watching.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19As speculation grew over the nature of Liam Fox's friendship
0:12:19 > 0:12:22with Adam Werritty, The Guardian reported that
0:12:22 > 0:12:25support from backbenchers has been:
0:12:29 > 0:12:33That's from their new political correspondent, Julian Clary.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37According to BBC News:
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Either that or his wife had just come home early.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47APPLAUSE
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Liam Fox is no stranger to controversy.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54He was once forced to make a public apology
0:12:54 > 0:12:57after describing the Spice Girls as:
0:12:58 > 0:13:00GASPS AND LAUGHTER
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Oh!
0:13:03 > 0:13:07It was then that he realised, to keep him out of trouble,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10what he really needed was an adviser.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Paul and Graham, you get the next spin.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18MAN CHEERS
0:13:18 > 0:13:23Somebody cheered, you're easily pleased!
0:13:23 > 0:13:29We've got the cat, that was the option with the left. This is the cat that didn't bark in the night.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Theresa May said, "I'm not making this up",
0:13:31 > 0:13:34then famously said something that was made up.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Yes. Take a look at this.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- We're supposed to talk, aren't we? - Oh, yeah!
0:13:39 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I'm so into silent film, I thought it was one I hadn't seen!
0:13:46 > 0:13:51- There's Charlie Chaplin. Oh, it's not him. Cat coming through the door. I see.- We covered that!
0:13:51 > 0:13:56Yeah, well done! Well done. I drifted off completely.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59APPLAUSE
0:13:59 > 0:14:03So it's the cat she made up that wasn't made up that she did make up.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07The cat didn't want to emigrate and somebody found out it had a job as a window cleaner,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10but it spoke fluent Bulgarian and was allowed to stay.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11I'm not making this up!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15What's the cat's name, do you know?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17William Johnson.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- The cat's name is Maya.- It is. - That's right.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22It's a bit like Theresa May,
0:14:22 > 0:14:26which is one of those coincidences that Mr Fox would appreciate.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31There's a televis... Dr Fox's Mysterious World.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36- The Fantastic Mr Fox!- The Underwater World Of Adam Werritty.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Bob-bob-bob!
0:14:41 > 0:14:46What does the whole situation prove?
0:14:46 > 0:14:50That when politicians make things up, they shouldn't say, "I'm not making this up."
0:14:50 > 0:14:53What do you want to know about this cat?
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- Yeah, what do you want to know?! - Who are you?!- I don't know!
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- I think we found out earlier. I've got no idea. - Why are you asking these questions?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- I only came in for a passport. - I'm not standing for this!
0:15:03 > 0:15:07How many years does it take to get a passport in this country?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I know a bloke who could probably fix one!
0:15:11 > 0:15:16Do I have to travel under the name of Adam Werritty? I don't mind, I've done worse.
0:15:16 > 0:15:21- Have you?- No.- I didn't think you had.- I haven't got the nerve.
0:15:21 > 0:15:27Personally, I was relieved to hear a cat was a sign of having a settled family life.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30I wish someone would tell my mother that on my behalf.
0:15:31 > 0:15:37I think Theresa May used it to illustrate the sorry state of justice in this country.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40In front of a home Tory audience she said,
0:15:40 > 0:15:47"There was a Bolivian student immigrant who was allowed to stay just because of his cat."
0:15:47 > 0:15:52Kenneth Clarke was in the audience and no-one's told him the etiquette of being in the Tory party,
0:15:52 > 0:15:56so he said, "Childish rubbish!"
0:15:57 > 0:16:02Which was considered very bad form, so then they had this argument.
0:16:02 > 0:16:08- And who was right?- In the original case, the cat was brought up.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12It is a Bolivian student who was caught shoplifting and cautioned.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15When he appealed to stay, one of the things they said was he had a cat,
0:16:15 > 0:16:19he and his partner, but it wasn't the main reason he was allowed to stay.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21So the truth was as, as ever, not there.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28But the funny thing was Chris Huhne, who's also meant to be in the Cabinet,
0:16:28 > 0:16:35rang up the Guardian and said, "She got this speech from Nigel Farage, the bloke at UKIP.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37"He made the same speech."
0:16:37 > 0:16:42But when he pressed the button on his phone, it went public,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45so everyone knew he'd try to shop his Cabinet colleague.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50That was on Twitter. Someone tweeted it and it said something like,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53"I don't want my fingerprints anywhere near this."
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- So what's the button you press wrong?- Send!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05He was trying to send a direct message which no-one else can see.
0:17:05 > 0:17:11But Twitter is such an open network that you have to be careful when discussing anything like that.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15It's like CC-ing everyone in the world on an e-mail.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19"I hate everybody." Aargh!
0:17:20 > 0:17:25- Shall we have a look at Theresa May? - Yes, why not?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I insist on it.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30The robber who cannot be removed because he has a girlfriend.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35The illegal immigrant who cannot be deported because -
0:17:35 > 0:17:38and I am not making this up -
0:17:38 > 0:17:42because he had a pet cat.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Let's see what old Nige Farage said.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51Under the Human Rights Act, he claimed he shouldn't be deported,
0:17:51 > 0:17:58because, and I really am not making this up, because he had a pet cat.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03The brilliant thing about Farage is that when he told the story, he got the nationality of the guy wrong,
0:18:03 > 0:18:09and called him a Peruvian, then turned him into a murderer!
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Rather than a shoplifter!
0:18:13 > 0:18:17A Bolivian shoplifter becomes a Peruvian murderer?!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Who, come on, who intervened to smooth things over?- Lionel Blair!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Was it Tony Blair?- No.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Did he step in and solve it and then make 3 million quid on the way?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30APPLAUSE
0:18:30 > 0:18:33That's who I meant, not Lionel Blair, Tony Blair!
0:18:33 > 0:18:37No, it was Nick Clegg. He said both sides were right.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Clarke was rebuked in no uncertain terms by David Cameron.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48What stinging put-down was in Dave's conference speech?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49He said, "Shut up, fatty."
0:18:49 > 0:18:51He said:
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Ho, ho, bloody ho.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05Do you know how Camilo came to the attention of the immigration authorities in the first place?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08He shoplifted...a cat.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- Actually, well, not a real one. He nicked a knick-knack.- A ceramic cat?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- He's got a collection of cat toys? - That's right.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Oh, no, he's one of those people that likes cat memorabilia. They should deport him.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25- Where did they live?- Catford.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27APPLAUSE
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Actually, Elephant and Castle, poor bastards.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34In a £200,000 property.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Bollocks. Nothing's worth that much in the Elephant and Castle.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42If you're watching the repeat, £100,000.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46If you're watching on Dave, you can't give it away.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51Back to my friends, the Press. They had a field day with cat puns.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52- Anyone want to...- Unlike us.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Gone to the cats. No, that's not a pun, sorry.
0:19:57 > 0:20:03It was a safe area for them cos they could make cat jokes without it being undignified
0:20:03 > 0:20:06so they went for every cat joke they could think of.
0:20:06 > 0:20:12They went for Cat Flaps, Cat Fights, Claws Falls, Paws For Thought.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Cat-astrophe? Was that in there? - No. That's bloody brilliant.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It's what I do.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26And she wears kitten heels. That was there.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30And he wears Hush Puppies. Which isn't cats, really.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34And they cat-ched him. No, they caught him. Damn!
0:20:34 > 0:20:40- It's not easy, is it?- How do you do this every week?- No idea.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Staying with catty comments, let's talk about retail guru
0:20:44 > 0:20:46and adviser to David Cameron, Mary Portas.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51She said something very rude in a magazine interview about Tory female ministers.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Do you know what it was?
0:20:52 > 0:20:53They're all ugly.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Yeah, she said:
0:20:59 > 0:21:03For no other reason than there's another woman here, shall we look at some of the clothes?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Ooh, let's have a look.
0:21:05 > 0:21:11You have to say what's wrong with these ministers' clothes. Let's start with Cheryl Gillan.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Is it made of cat?
0:21:14 > 0:21:19Assuming that's not real fur, I think she looks perfectly nice.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Absolutely. It's fake fur, but Mary Portas says it's too big.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26She could be standing on a midget.
0:21:26 > 0:21:33Who's just a close friend who by coincidence is walking under the coat at the time she came out.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Every so often a hand comes out with a card.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Sometimes a cup of tea if the mood's right.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Here's Theresa May. What did Mary Portas think of this?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46VICTORIA: Am I mad? I think that looks quite nice.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- Yeah, me too.- GRAHAM: Really?- Yeah.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- And what I say in retail... - LAUGHTER
0:21:52 > 0:21:55It looks a bit like an explosion in a zebra factory.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58But that's... That's all right.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Mary said the coat looks too much like a house coat.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Can we go back to the picture of Mary Portas?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Oh, none of that works.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10She's got two watches on.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17Apparently, with Caroline Spelman's outfit, the colour's boring.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22GRAHAM: It's black that no-one wears except every clothes designer in the world
0:22:22 > 0:22:27while trying to make everybody else dress in ridiculous Lady Gaga nonsense.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Sounds like a personal issue there.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Have you been stung by the Lady Gaga fashion industry?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Yeah, that was a very embarrassing weekend.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Those bacon trousers.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Can't wear them outdoors!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48They don't tell you that when you buy them.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Dogs chase you.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53The pork sausage underpants are doing it for me.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56And of course they don't allow this sort of
0:22:56 > 0:23:01sexist attitude towards women in Ed Miliband's Labour Party, do they?
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Anyone know what they've called the new influx of women into Ed's new Shadow Cabinet?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08The Mili-tarts or something?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Something like that.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Ed Miliband's Bunch of Rough Prostitutes?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Trollops and strumpets, every one of them!
0:23:24 > 0:23:25It's:
0:23:27 > 0:23:28GROANING
0:23:28 > 0:23:30That's hideous, isn't it?
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Finally, what other story rocked Parliament this week?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36It must be about Big Ben leaning over.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41It is indeed. Listen carefully to what this expert said about it.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45We're talking about a 300-foot tower which as a .26 degree lean
0:23:45 > 0:23:47which is absolutely minute.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51To give you some idea, the Leaning Tower of Pizza is five degrees.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53LAUGHTER
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I think it's in Lewisham, the Leaning Tower of Pizza.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02You could see it leaning in that shot, couldn't you?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05It was definitely leaning if you want to...
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Is it?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10This is the story, and I'm not making this up,
0:24:10 > 0:24:14about two Cabinet ministers arguing over a cat.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19Asked about the relationship between Ken Clarke and Theresa May, one senior Tory said:
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Blimey, two Tory MPs I agree with.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Mary Portas, self-crowned Queen of Shops, has attacked the fashion sense
0:24:28 > 0:24:31of the four female ministers in the cabinet saying:
0:24:35 > 0:24:40Sod the budget deficit, let's find a nice push-up bra for Baroness Warsi.
0:24:40 > 0:24:46Mary Portas was recently appointed a Downing Street adviser on Britain's retail industry.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Yes, you heard that right, Mary Portas is an official Government adviser.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Yet another kick in the teeth for Adam Werritty.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01And so to the Picture Spin Quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05BUZZER
0:25:05 > 0:25:08The clue is the ferry, this is the English rugby team coming back
0:25:08 > 0:25:10from their not very happy World Cup.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12This is a member of the team
0:25:12 > 0:25:15deciding the best way to celebrate being knocked out
0:25:15 > 0:25:18was to jump off the ferry and swim to the pontoon,
0:25:18 > 0:25:20I suppose it's called.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Another story in a disastrous tour abroad for the English rugby team.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28- Do you know the name of the guy that jumped off the ferry?- No.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31It starts with M. And it sounds a bit New Zealand-y.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36- IN NEW ZEALAND ACCENT:- Michael. Michael. My name's Michael.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40That's terrible!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43His name's actually Manu Tuilagi.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Do you know what the repercussions were?
0:25:45 > 0:25:46He met David Walliams?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54He was detained by New Zealand police and fined £3,000
0:25:54 > 0:25:59by the Rugby Football Union, and the ferry company condemned the stupid stunt.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02At least, I think that's what they said.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07England coach Martin Johnson also said he had been:
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Tuilagi's stunt rounded off the team's tour of shame rather nicely.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21What else did they get up to while they were Down Under?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- Ball-swapping during the match. - That's right.- I didn't see it,
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- but I don't know how you think you can get away with it. - How do you do that?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Jonny Wilkinson, the guy who specialises in taking the goal attempt,
0:26:31 > 0:26:35he liked a particular brand of ball, so when the ball went out of play,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38they just brought the other ball on and gave it to him and...
0:26:38 > 0:26:40He pretended one of the players was pregnant.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44They don't think these things through.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47The biggest scandal involved Zara Phillips' new hubby Mike Tindall.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- What did he get up to?- Nothing.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54But that's not what it looked like on the suspicious footage.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Let's just have a look at a picture of him and see what you think.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01She could be inflating him.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Do you know what was noteworthy about the venue that evening?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12It was a bar where the entertainment is dwarf throwing.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- Yes, it was their Mad Midget Weekender.- And I'm not making it up!
0:27:18 > 0:27:21What did the bar manager, Rich Dean, have to say about it?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24We're open every Monday.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30He actually insisted the England squad were impeccably behaved.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34How can you be badly behaved at a midget-throwing bar?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36You refuse to throw a midget, I suppose.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38He said:
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Tell that to the little people, Rich.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Anyone here ever thrown a dwarf?
0:27:56 > 0:27:58What sort of an answer do you expect?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- "Yeah, I have!"- You never know.
0:28:01 > 0:28:06I've thrown a small person, one of my children, into a wall.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10They've got to learn some time.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- Yes, quite.- Absolutely.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Mike Tindall got into trouble when he was seen in a bar with an old flame.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Old flame, of course, meaning "ex-girlfriend",
0:28:19 > 0:28:23not something shooting out of a rugby player's buttocks.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33BUZZER
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Yes, there's been some controversy over the service
0:28:36 > 0:28:39the BBC provides people who are hard of hearing.
0:28:39 > 0:28:44The live text has come up with all kinds of strange things, like:
0:28:44 > 0:28:48It sounds to me like, if you weren't relying on it, it'd be quite funny.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51I wouldn't mind that in real life, if people just,
0:28:51 > 0:28:53there was a slight delay in what they said
0:28:53 > 0:28:57then you had somebody else's interpretation of what they might've said, via a computer.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01It is, it's really good fun - has anyone seen any good ones?
0:29:01 > 0:29:05- I have, but I can't remember. You've probably got them written down. - Well... I have.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08If you haven't, then we're wasting our time!
0:29:08 > 0:29:11My favourite, which isn't written down, was in fact
0:29:11 > 0:29:15an Ann Widdecombe statement where she was talking about something
0:29:15 > 0:29:19being "an analogy", and that came up as "anal glory".
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Marvellous, isn't it?
0:29:25 > 0:29:28It flowers once a year, doesn't it?
0:29:30 > 0:29:34But, here are some of the ones I have got written down.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36They referred to the Leader of the Opposition as:
0:29:42 > 0:29:43They told viewers:
0:29:52 > 0:29:55And, rather bafflingly, Silvio Berlusconi was referred to as:
0:30:04 > 0:30:07It's spontaneous poetry is what it is.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10This is one of my favourites. They referred to Rowan Williams as:
0:30:13 > 0:30:15APPLAUSE
0:30:20 > 0:30:24That's a direct quote from Mugabe this week, isn't it?
0:30:24 > 0:30:28Exactly, so that is indeed where the "Arch-Bitch" has been this week.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32Sticking it to Mugabe. Do you know how it all went, Ian?
0:30:32 > 0:30:36Um, yeah, the Archbishop, he went there, and most of the world
0:30:36 > 0:30:39is just ignoring Mugabe, pretending it's not happening,
0:30:39 > 0:30:43the Archbishop wanders in, stadium full of people cheering, and sticks it to him.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45Tells him he's a disgrace,
0:30:45 > 0:30:49and there's violence against Anglicans there,
0:30:49 > 0:30:54and, um, he knocks on the door and gets a meeting with Mugabe.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56I was quite impressed, really.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58And then Mugabe had him killed.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02As Dr Williams was leaving,
0:31:02 > 0:31:05he was asked if he thought Mugabe seemed like a Christian man
0:31:05 > 0:31:06and replied:
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Way to go, Arch-Bitch!
0:31:17 > 0:31:20APPLAUSE
0:31:21 > 0:31:25So this is about the idle morons at the BBC
0:31:25 > 0:31:27who can't get the subtitles right.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34The BBC has also been accused of political correctness
0:31:34 > 0:31:37by ordering presenters to avoid the terms "AD" and "BC",
0:31:37 > 0:31:39which I think is a bit of a shame.
0:31:39 > 0:31:44We've been using those terms since... I don't know how to describe it!
0:31:44 > 0:31:49BBC presenter Andrew Marr says he has no problem with BC and AD,
0:31:49 > 0:31:54though since that paternity test, he's not so keen on DNA.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01Time now for the odd one out round.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04One between you this week, and the four are -
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Agatha Christie,
0:32:06 > 0:32:08wheelchair rioter David Knott,
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Kirsty Young, and Sir Cliff Richard.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12BELL RINGS
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Only Agatha Christie is dead.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18Is that it?
0:32:18 > 0:32:19GRAHAM: That's why you buzzed?!
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Do you think it would be that simple?
0:32:21 > 0:32:24- It might be.- It isn't.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Agatha Christie was a windsurfer.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29- It's not windsurfing, it's surfing.- Surfing.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33- Did the rioter use his stolen television as a surfboard?- No.
0:32:33 > 0:32:38- Think about what you do when you're surfing.- You're riding the wave.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45I'm going to give you a clue that would befit seven-year-olds.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48Do you sit down when you're surfing?
0:32:48 > 0:32:51You stand up! You stand up on a surfboard.
0:32:51 > 0:32:52Seems like a very cruel Odd One Out!
0:32:52 > 0:32:56And the man in the wheelchair can't stand up? That's dreadful!
0:32:56 > 0:32:58They all stand up to do their job.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02Kirsty stands, Sir Cliff sings standing up.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Agatha Christie wrote, standing up.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07Yes! On a surfboard!
0:33:07 > 0:33:10He stole stuff sitting down.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14Yes, that is pretty much it.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16APPLAUSE
0:33:18 > 0:33:21So, the odd one out is, in fact, David Knott,
0:33:21 > 0:33:25the wheelchair rioter, who, during the riots this summer,
0:33:25 > 0:33:27was confined to a wheelchair because of a broken leg,
0:33:27 > 0:33:32but still managed to get caught on camera stealing a TV from Argos.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Shocking, isn't it? Who the hell would want an Alba telly?
0:33:38 > 0:33:42Sorry, is the connection that they can all stand up
0:33:42 > 0:33:45- apart from the man in the wheelchair?- No, no...
0:33:48 > 0:33:50No!
0:33:50 > 0:33:54It's, it's slightly more complex.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56I hope so!
0:33:56 > 0:33:57I'll tell you in a minute.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59Agatha Christie, according to a new book,
0:33:59 > 0:34:01may have been among the first Britons
0:34:01 > 0:34:04to learn how to surf standing up.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Shall we have a look at her with her board?
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Fred? Is that the name of the board?
0:34:08 > 0:34:11That's not something she stole from the cemetery, is it?
0:34:13 > 0:34:16It does look, the bit you can't see,
0:34:16 > 0:34:19"May he rest in peace", behind her head!
0:34:19 > 0:34:22She must have been a really good surfer, to surf on a tombstone!
0:34:22 > 0:34:27Yeah, exactly! That's how Fred drowned in the first place!
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Agatha Christie used to go surfing in Devon,
0:34:29 > 0:34:32where she often came across traces of raw sewage on the beach.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36But it was nigh-on impossible to work out whodunnit.
0:34:36 > 0:34:37AUDIENCE GROANS
0:34:37 > 0:34:38Thank you!
0:34:38 > 0:34:44And Kirsty Young, in 1997, became the first British newsreader
0:34:44 > 0:34:45to read the news standing up.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49Fair do's or not fair do's, is that a good thing to do?
0:34:49 > 0:34:52I guess when you look at old newscasters it does seem
0:34:52 > 0:34:55a bit strange that everybody's sitting behind desks.
0:34:55 > 0:34:59Maybe next series, we'll have you guys wandering around here!
0:34:59 > 0:35:04Passing each other, and saying a bon mot, and then moving on.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08Tossing off an impromptu!
0:35:09 > 0:35:12Now, Cliff Richard this week actually revealed:
0:35:16 > 0:35:21One of the thing Cliff does to avoid curvature of the spine.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24He says:
0:35:24 > 0:35:26Yes, it's all about posture, Cliff.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Back straight, toothbrush held firmly in one hand,
0:35:28 > 0:35:31teeth held firmly in the other.
0:35:32 > 0:35:36Cos he has got a sexy calendar out this Christmas.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Do you know what sort of poses it includes?
0:35:38 > 0:35:39Topless!
0:35:39 > 0:35:42In January, he's hugging a dolphin.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45In April, he's caressing a horse.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47In October, he's stabbing a camel!
0:35:50 > 0:35:53TS Eliot said it was the cruellest month!
0:35:53 > 0:35:58Cliff is currently promoting his 2012 calendar.
0:35:58 > 0:35:59He told the Daily Mail:
0:36:04 > 0:36:09Because no-one can tell where the jacket stops and the neck begins.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15According to the Daily Mail, Kirsty Young used to present Channel 5 News...
0:36:18 > 0:36:22I tried doing that on this show, but I flirtatiously broke the desk.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27which, this week, features as its guest publication
0:36:27 > 0:36:31The Telegraph Pole Appreciation Society newsletter.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34They don't do pylons, they're not perverts!
0:36:34 > 0:36:36We start with:
0:36:40 > 0:36:41Poles?
0:36:41 > 0:36:43Drunk? Hungover?
0:36:43 > 0:36:44GRAHAM: Lost?
0:36:44 > 0:36:45Bribed?
0:36:45 > 0:36:46- Hot?- Robbed?
0:36:46 > 0:36:48VICTORIA: Cheating?
0:36:48 > 0:36:49GRAHAM: Cranky?
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Unified under Bismarck?
0:36:53 > 0:36:57- I would love "unified under Bismarck" to be right!- It's 1866!
0:36:57 > 0:37:00It's:
0:37:00 > 0:37:04In drugs tests after the 1966 World Cup final,
0:37:04 > 0:37:08three Germans gave samples that revealed traces of a drug
0:37:08 > 0:37:11from a cold remedy, while Bobby Charlton's sample revealed
0:37:11 > 0:37:13suspiciously high levels of hair restorer.
0:37:16 > 0:37:17Next:
0:37:21 > 0:37:23It might be a bit long, but is it "me"?
0:37:27 > 0:37:30"Is it a picture of Michael Winner smoking a cigar?"
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Triumphantly, on the set of his latest film?
0:37:38 > 0:37:40"Looks great!"
0:37:40 > 0:37:43Is it "art"?
0:37:44 > 0:37:46"Is it a telegraph pole?"
0:37:46 > 0:37:47Er, no...
0:37:47 > 0:37:49"Getting hot in here?"
0:37:49 > 0:37:51- You're barking up the wrong tree. - Yes!
0:37:51 > 0:37:53All right, it's:
0:37:58 > 0:38:01Let's have a look and see what you think.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04- It couldn't be poo because the trajectory is wrong.- Yeah.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07I'm no Professor Poo, but...
0:38:07 > 0:38:09Next:
0:38:11 > 0:38:15That cartoon of Mohammed? Don't broadcast that!
0:38:15 > 0:38:17That's just for us.
0:38:17 > 0:38:21No, just for you, just for you!
0:38:21 > 0:38:24APPLAUSE
0:38:24 > 0:38:26No, it's:
0:38:29 > 0:38:33A Finnish lawyers' group suggests new EU sexual harassment laws
0:38:33 > 0:38:36should cover women eating ice-creams provocatively
0:38:36 > 0:38:39in front of male colleagues.
0:38:39 > 0:38:40I wouldn't do that,
0:38:40 > 0:38:44I always make sure I'm alone before I open my Mivvi.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52D'you get a '99 with that?
0:38:56 > 0:38:58And finally:
0:39:03 > 0:39:04Telegraph pole!
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Heart attack!
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Doughnut!
0:39:09 > 0:39:10- Not far off.- Doughnuts!
0:39:10 > 0:39:12Jam tomorrow. Jam today?
0:39:12 > 0:39:15- Cake?- GRAHAM: Toothpaste!
0:39:15 > 0:39:18Doughnut tomorrow, coffee, er, tomorrow, coffee.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20- Salad!- No!
0:39:20 > 0:39:23- Beetroot!- No! - Chocolate cake!- No!
0:39:23 > 0:39:24Gateaux!
0:39:24 > 0:39:25VICTORIA: Macaroon!
0:39:25 > 0:39:27No, it's true!
0:39:27 > 0:39:28Cake, ordinary cake!
0:39:28 > 0:39:31Today, doughnut, tomorrow, ordinary cake?!
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Who's going to put that on a poster?!
0:39:33 > 0:39:35I'd go there like a shot!
0:39:35 > 0:39:37"It's ordinary cake day at Greggs!"
0:39:37 > 0:39:42"Take the cherry off that cake, I want it ordinary! Bloody idiot!"
0:39:44 > 0:39:48I'm going to have to tell you, it's, "Tomorrow, muffin"!
0:39:48 > 0:39:50CHEERING
0:39:50 > 0:39:53So, the final scores are, Ian and Victoria have six,
0:39:53 > 0:39:57Paul and Graham, though, have seven!
0:39:57 > 0:39:58APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:39:58 > 0:40:02We had to lose, sorry.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04They don't really.
0:40:04 > 0:40:07Before we go, just time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10Ian and Victoria have this...
0:40:10 > 0:40:11"This way to the sharks."
0:40:14 > 0:40:17"High hopes for new X-Factor super-group!"
0:40:20 > 0:40:23And Paul and Graham get that...
0:40:26 > 0:40:27Fancy meeting you in Sri Lanka!
0:40:32 > 0:40:34APPLAUSE
0:40:37 > 0:40:40On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Ian Hislop and Victoria Coren,
0:40:42 > 0:40:44Paul Merton and Graham Linehan.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46And I leave you with news that,
0:40:46 > 0:40:48moments before receiving his knighthood,
0:40:48 > 0:40:51there's some last-minute preparation for Sir Bruce Forsyth.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59In New Zealand, as the England rugby team
0:40:59 > 0:41:01are again accused of sexual harassment,
0:41:01 > 0:41:04the victim tries to avoid the paparazzi.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12And at Heathrow, there's embarrassment for Liam Fox
0:41:12 > 0:41:14as one of his suitcases bursts open.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22APPLAUSE
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Good night!
0:41:36 > 0:41:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:40 > 0:41:44E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk