0:00:26 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:36 > 0:00:42Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Martin Clunes.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46at rehearsals for the London 2012 opening ceremony,
0:00:46 > 0:00:51organisers admit it was a mistake to let Boris Johnson have first go at running with the torch.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58At Covent Garden, a reporter announces
0:00:58 > 0:01:02the celebrities who will be turning on this year's Christmas lights will be Jedward.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15In Dublin, there's delight at the news that the EU has finally outlawed national stereotyping.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26After 60 years in showbusiness, publishers scramble to buy the rights to Ronnie Corbett's diaries.
0:01:31 > 0:01:37And in Wigan, a councillor proudly announces the council's anti-litter scheme has been a total success.
0:01:37 > 0:01:42As a result, it does take a long time to make change, even with the best will in the world.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52With Ian is an actress who recently said that British comedy is still patronising and sexist
0:01:52 > 0:01:54and women can't be trusted to be funny.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Listen, love....
0:01:57 > 0:02:00All you need there is a punch line, all right?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Please welcome the gorgeous Rebecca Front.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And with Paul is a stand-up comedian who, in 2008,
0:02:12 > 0:02:17received £8,000 for winning the Intelligent Finance Comedy Award,
0:02:17 > 0:02:21and promptly invested the lot in Greek bonds. Please welcome David O'Doherty.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:30We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Paul and David, take a look at this.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34This is North Korea, obviously.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36This is the leader there.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40That was an airtight box, he was all right before they put him in there.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Kim Jong, very ill.- Yeah, that's it, yeah. Um.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48That's his son, who parts his hair in an extraordinary way that no other person does,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51which bodes ill for the Korean people.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54So yes. The old bloke's dead and new bloke's come in.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Pretty much.- Where did those glasses come from?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I didn't know it was fancy dress!
0:03:02 > 0:03:06The women that were weeping at the escalator was quite amusing.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11He'd travelled on an escalator at one of his last public appearances, visiting a department store.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16They're now weeping, and treating the escalator as a shrine, a moving shrine literally.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- Would you like to see the last photo taken of him while alive? - Yes, please.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23There he is.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Looking a bit lonely.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32The escalator has now become a shrine. There's people surrounding the escalator.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Maybe they're just worried the escalator's broken down?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- It's competitive grief, isn't it? - Competitive grief?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Yeah. If you cry really loud, you get a house.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48If you don't cry loud enough, you're not seen to be crying, you get killed, which is...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Be given something to cry about, I believe.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54- Very much the way I bring up my children.- Indeed.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00- I'm fascinated by Kim Jong-un.- Is he the new one?- Yeah, he's the new one.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Because, you know, he's a portly chap.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06"I'm a little despot, short and stout." And...
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- You look at him. I wouldn't normally comment on somebody's... - People's appearance.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Not on a man's girth. Well, I might!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18But I wouldn't do it on a show like this, obviously!
0:04:18 > 0:04:22You've got to say, if the rest of the population is starving, he isn't.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Do you know what his first official duty was?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- Change the national anthem?- No, attend his father's lying in state.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33It was eerily reminiscent of Jimmy Savile's recent funeral.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38Only without the little ashtray full of cigar butts. But in every other way.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41And it wasn't in a pub. But in every other way.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44No, it's very dangerous being a Kim. Because it's all-purpose.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47One Kim's dead, long live the next Kim.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Another of the brothers was deemed too effeminate.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52He was chucked.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56And this is the best you can get from that family.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01- He's the youngest, is that right? - The youngest still alive.- Ah yeah, that could be it.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04That would make him the youngest then?!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07He's got a sister as well, I can't remember her name. I think it's Kim!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Do you know what the mother's name was...- Kim?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Kim Ok.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Like the shampoo! Um...
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Kim Jong-il is known as the Dear Leader latterly.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26But he accumulated a number of other names, do you remember any of those?
0:05:26 > 0:05:31- His father was called the Eternal President because even after he was dead he was still president.- Was he?
0:05:31 > 0:05:36- Yeah.- I think he still is.- Is he still?- I think he still is. I may have just got that wrong.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40No, no, that's eternity for you. Just keeps on coming.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42He was also known as the...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52And...
0:05:52 > 0:05:57According to the official state version of events, what happened around the time of his birth?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00There was a star in the east.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05- Pretty much. It was foretold by a swallow. Unusual.- A swallow?- Yes.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Nothing to do with the conception. And then...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12A double... Shut up! Come on, it's Christmas.
0:06:12 > 0:06:18It was a double rainbow, and a new star appeared above the mountain-top where he was born.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Nice. That's nice.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24Certainly, one star though, three stars would have been better. Five stars the best.
0:06:24 > 0:06:31- Did he not play a round of golf once, and got 11 holes in one?- Yep.
0:06:31 > 0:06:36Which is quite nicely detailed, that he didn't go for the full... I don't know what a full one is.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41- 18.- Thank you.- Because that wouldn't have been credible.- Yes. - Whereas 11...
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Which food did he claim to have invented in 2000?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47The banana!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51The Snickers.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Kumquat?
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- Not far off.- The Kimquat? - Ah, very good! It's the...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Oh, I love those(!)
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Which means two breads with meat.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Or, as we would call it, a hamburger.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10He kidnapped a film-maker and made him make films for him.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13When they first met, he said...
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Do you know what, according to the official North Korean website, what he never ever did?
0:07:25 > 0:07:30- Never did anything bad, ever. - Quite. He never defecated or urinated.- Really?- Yep.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33That would explain the size of his son, anyway!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38What can North Korea threaten everyone with this Christmas?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Armageddon? - Yes, according to the Guardian...
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Not as many as in Thailand, so I've heard.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Thank you.
0:07:49 > 0:07:55No Dong is the name of a missile which could be used to deliver a nuclear warhead.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Isn't that nice? - Are we within range?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- Yeah, I'm sure we are.- Oh. - We usually are.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05The son tracked down a Korean expert from Leeds University who said...
0:08:14 > 0:08:18On the subject of tyrants, which despot launched his own fashion label this week?
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Robert Mugabe?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- Yes!- Is it right!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25APPLAUSE
0:08:27 > 0:08:31A range of T-shirts, jackets and caps bearing his signature under the slogan...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"A splash of attitude"?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Misprint for "blood".
0:08:38 > 0:08:40In a week when North Korea dominated the pages,
0:08:40 > 0:08:45Vaclav Havel sadly died, the former President of the Czech Republic.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48The world's media were quick to pay tribute.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53See if you can spot the subliminal message in John Simpson's report here.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55TV REPORT: 'There was nothing grand about him.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59'He felt completely out of place with all the pomp and ceremony.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02'He didn't even like wearing a suit.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07'In terms of intellect, he was way ahead of most other political leaders.'
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Yes, this is the death of Kim Jong-il.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Amongst his many surprising foibles, Kim Jong-il was a huge fan of Elvis Presley.
0:09:17 > 0:09:23He particularly liked Hound Dog, which he would often tuck into when listening to Elvis' greatest hits.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28In his first game of golf, the Dear Leader claimed to have completed the first course in...
0:09:31 > 0:09:36..thereby breaking Tiger Woods' record of being the biggest liar ever to set foot on a golf course.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Kim Jong-il's death was particularly bad news for Bono
0:09:41 > 0:09:47who is now the world's only short-arsed megalomaniac who wears sunglasses all the time.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53There are fears Kim Jong-il's death will leave North Korea with a power vacuum
0:09:53 > 0:09:57which, if true, could be the only electrical appliance in the whole country.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Ian and Rebecca, take a look at this.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Oh, that's people having cosy lunch with each other.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09It's the rich what gets the pleasure and the poor what gets the blame.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Goldman Sachs, the vampire squids.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16- Tax dodgers.- Tax dodgers. Good, we can read!
0:10:17 > 0:10:21It's about these... Are they called sweetheart deals?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Where you take the tax person,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Dave Hartnett or similar, out to lunch.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27But mostly him.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29But mostly him. Take him out for lunch
0:10:29 > 0:10:32if you can't pay your few billion pounds' worth of tax
0:10:32 > 0:10:35and let's face it, you know, times are tough.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37So you just take him out for lunch and it's all fine
0:10:37 > 0:10:40and actually you can probably write most of that off.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41I don't want to crow,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43but this is a Private Eye story
0:10:43 > 0:10:46which after a year has finally come good.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Hooray, thank you very much.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Essentially, we're all in it together,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56except the very large companies
0:10:56 > 0:10:58who don't seem to have to pay their tax bills.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01You take out the head of the revenue for lunch
0:11:01 > 0:11:03and you get a special deal.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05So Vodafone, I mean, owe about £6 billion.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07And Goldman Sachs,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09one of the great financial institutions in the world,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12they owed a tax bill and they took him out to lunch and he said,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14"Well, you don't have to pay any interest on this
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"and you don't have to pay the bill for years."
0:11:17 > 0:11:20So the big companies get away with a sweetheart deal,
0:11:20 > 0:11:21everyone else has to pay up.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25And when we're talking about a hole in the budget of £12 billion,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27£6 billion is quite a lot.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Well, the overall shortfall they think is about 25 billion.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- 25 billion in uncollected tax, yeah. - So we're laughing then, aren't we?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Surely we just get that back and we're all all right again?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Yeah, we lend it to Greece.- Yeah.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Ireland, please.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42LAUGHTER
0:11:42 > 0:11:44APPLAUSE
0:11:44 > 0:11:46So that's the deal.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47The Public Accounts Committee
0:11:47 > 0:11:51finally looked into it after a year and a half of everyone going,
0:11:51 > 0:11:52"Perhaps you should have a look."
0:11:52 > 0:11:55And those protesters there, they occupied Fortnum's.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- For hours, you couldn't buy a hamper, it was murder.- Nightmare!
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Yes, David Hartnett, the chief executive of the HMRC.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04He had 107 dinners
0:12:04 > 0:12:07with various companies and their tax lawyers
0:12:07 > 0:12:09over two years.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10A HMRC spokesman said...
0:12:14 > 0:12:19- SLURRED: - "..it becomes clear that there is no liability at all."
0:12:19 > 0:12:21But meanwhile, have you noticed
0:12:21 > 0:12:25how the Lib Dems have been flexing their muscles in the news lately?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- Nick Clegg's been rude about the prime minister.- Yes, he has.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29What did he do?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31He said Cameron's view of the family is...is...
0:12:31 > 0:12:33stuck in the 1950s.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Presumably he means this sort of thing...
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Nick Clegg thinks we should be open to more unconventional families
0:12:48 > 0:12:49like this one...
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Photos like that often accompanied by the words,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57"Before turning the gun on himself."
0:12:59 > 0:13:03What's the problem with Ed Miliband
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- according to Peter Mandelson? - Too many jokes.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Although I hadn't noticed them myself.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11But too much of a light-hearted approach, I think.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15- Oh, you missed the joke! - Did I? What was it?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17He was in parliament and he said,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"Clegg and Cameron, you two..."
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I have to get this right now.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25He said, "You two are like a married couple."
0:13:28 > 0:13:30What a messer!
0:13:31 > 0:13:34I didn't realise he had such good material.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Why is this person an embarrassment to the Tories?
0:13:38 > 0:13:39He's a Tory MP.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41It's one of those things
0:13:41 > 0:13:44where initially they're saying it was taken out of context.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46The original context was the Second World War,
0:13:46 > 0:13:50so he might not understand what it means now.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- And he's not the MP. - He's not, no, he's Mark Fournier.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55He was the groom at his own stag night,
0:13:55 > 0:13:56but the MP was, erm...
0:13:56 > 0:13:58He organised the uniform, though, I presume.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- Yeah, he paid for the costume. - Did he?- Yeah.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03And it was incredibly embarrassing,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06because everyone else had dressed as Tories.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09There was, at one point, a toast to the Third Reich
0:14:09 > 0:14:11and Aidan Burley's recently apologised.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Do you know what he said?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I thought it was the third rice pudding that was...
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- LAUGHTER - It was as good as the first two.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21It'll last for 1,000 years, this rice pudding.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24He apologised for...
0:14:29 > 0:14:34Apparently Aidan has a bit of form in the fancy dress area...
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Where did he get those Timmy Mallett costumes?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Well, that's genuinely offensive, isn't it?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Nazi uniform, yes, but Timmy Mallett!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53On the subject of traditional...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Will you not talk when I'm speaking, please.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Those two should be separated.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- Sorry, sir. - It's not funny or clever.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05DAVID BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:15:05 > 0:15:08If you do that humming thing. You know that humming thing?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Next time you're doing your link.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12SHE HUMS
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I knew someone who used to do that at jumble sales.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18To get people out the way you go, "Hmm."
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Then you'd look round and you'd be in.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25On the subject of traditional enemies, what have the French been saying about us?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29They said our economy is worse than theirs. Pretty rude.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Britain should be downgraded from triple A to...
0:15:32 > 0:15:35whatever the smaller batteries are.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41- Fantastically rude all-round. - The French finance minister said...
0:15:49 > 0:15:52TRANSLATION FROM FRENCH:
0:15:53 > 0:15:56The papers were quick to rush out a list of insults
0:15:56 > 0:15:58the French have thrown at us over the years.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Any idea what the French prime minister Edith Cresson
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- said about the English in 1991? - Frankly, no.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- What did she say?- She said...
0:16:10 > 0:16:12And it's not me.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16But that's not an insult. That's fine.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20No, that's an underestimate.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21But it's a jolly good thing.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I spend my life saying to my children,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"And that's a good thing", whenever the word "gay" comes up.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29People say, "Oh, God, that's so gay." "And that's a good thing."
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- So there we are, it's a good thing. - Good old Edith Cresson.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Yeah, hurrah.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Cresson - like croissant! HE SNORTS
0:16:37 > 0:16:39And that's a good thing.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Has anybody noticed
0:16:42 > 0:16:44that there's been a lot of news this year?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Ian, you might have, in your job.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- These things can be quantified, apparently.- Oh, really?
0:16:52 > 0:16:56According to the BBC News website. They ran this headline...
0:16:56 > 0:17:01So that's that, then. This is the, erm...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05This is the heart-warming Christmassy news
0:17:05 > 0:17:08that the Grinch has avoided paying £25 billion in tax.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11An HMRC spokesman rejected the MP's damning report,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13saying it was based on...
0:17:18 > 0:17:19A bit like my tax return.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24Meanwhile, the fallout from David Cameron's European veto continued.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25The main stumbling block
0:17:25 > 0:17:28remains Cameron's desire to protect the City from...
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Surely the compromise would be to introduce it
0:17:33 > 0:17:36and then ask the HMRC to try and collect it.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39And so, to round two.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41The Strengthometer Of News.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46What I like to do at this time of year, is to decorate my Newsometer.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48That's festive.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52And you might like to try this with your Newsometers at home.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Just by dabbing some glue...
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Quite easy.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02If you have trouble with glue ask your parents to help you.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Put some glitter on it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06And then, look, you blow that
0:18:06 > 0:18:09and then all the glitter is just stuck to the glue
0:18:09 > 0:18:11so there's no glue showing.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13And also, a little sprig of holly.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16That can make it look very seasonal too.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19You might want to decorate the shaft of your mallet too.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24For expediency and for getting on with the show, I won't do that.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25So, fingers on buzzers.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Did you put glue on the top because you've got to hit it with that hammer?
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- You worry about your job.- Oh, OK.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Merton.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Fingers on buzzers. Here's the first one.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44- Cutbacks - it's Snow White And The Five Dwarfs.- I think I read this.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- Did you? That's cheating. - Yeah, I know!- For your job.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Children have been taking the parts of dwarfs in pantos.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- Have they?- Is that right?- Yes.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55In Wolverhampton, a production of Snow White,
0:18:55 > 0:18:59they've replaced them with child actors because they spend all the money on special effects.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I don't know why that makes me laugh.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04And a spokesman for the Wolverhampton Grand explained...
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I think the children have to put on dwarf masks, don't they?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15But their lines are pre-recorded by adult actors
0:19:15 > 0:19:16and played to the theatre on a loop
0:19:16 > 0:19:19while the young performers try their best
0:19:19 > 0:19:21to match their movements to the sound rec.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24What could possibly go wrong? Do you think it'll work?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Yeah. I want to see it televised.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31If you're in any doubt, Jonathan Kiley the director of the company behind the production says
0:19:31 > 0:19:33it works...
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Peter Burroughs who runs a dwarf acting agency said...
0:19:45 > 0:19:50I don't suppose you know how the theatre-goers in Wolverhampton have responded to this?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- No. Are they fed up? - They're not really. One said...
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Presumably that depends on what the production is.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03On the subject of panto stars,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06why have the perennial favourites the Krankies
0:20:06 > 0:20:07been causing a stir this week?
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Swingers.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- They were swingers. - No, no, no!
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- Yes!- Yes, yes, yes!- That's what someone said on the night.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18The Sun was very quick to react
0:20:18 > 0:20:21to the public's thirst for more information.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Do you know what they did?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25They didn't hack the Krankies' phone, did they?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27They put out an appeal.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33APPLAUSE
0:20:33 > 0:20:34According to the Mail,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Janette Krankie had an affair with a circus leopard tamer,
0:20:37 > 0:20:41while Ian Krankie carried on with the act's glamorous assistant.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Any ideas how they could tell that this had happened?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46She came up in spots?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Talking of celebrities and their private lives,
0:21:01 > 0:21:05this is probably the moment to pay a last weekly visit to the Leveson Inquiry.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09This week's big gun was Piers Morgan, of course.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Here he is looking serious
0:21:10 > 0:21:12on the front page of the Independent.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14There's another photo above him
0:21:14 > 0:21:17with someone looking like he's enjoying Piers'...
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Do you know what Piers Morgan admitted to?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22No, I didn't watch it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25It's no interest to me, him being sliced up by a QC
0:21:25 > 0:21:27in front of millions of people.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30The fact he made a fool of himself, I'm not going to watch that!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33All of it.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35On a loop for hours.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- APPLAUSE - Yeah.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45About the only thing he admitted to was having heard a voicemail message
0:21:45 > 0:21:47from Paul McCartney to Heather Mills,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49but he refused to say who played it to him,
0:21:49 > 0:21:51or to accept that listening to the message was unethical.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54There was a lot of him being showed things he'd said before,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56him trying to denying them now.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I'm not saying he made a fool of himself.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01But he did.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Are you surprised he had no knowledge of any phone hacking?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09It's extraordinary. He did what we call The Full Murdoch.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12No, he couldn't remember anything.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Let's take a look at him on this programme back in May 1996
0:22:16 > 0:22:19discussing the use of photographers with Clive Anderson.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22ANGUS DEATON: The answer is tennis ball.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Page five story.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28What do you know about newspaper editing?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31About as much as you do.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34APPLAUSE
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- Dear, oh, dear, Clive. - I know, it's not fair.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Because the Mirror now is almost as good as The Sun.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45The last time I was rude to you, you sent photographers round to my doorstep the next day,
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- so I'm not doing that again. - You won't see them this time.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52He is charming, isn't he(!)
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- It's quite chilling, isn't it? - Which one was me?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01APPLAUSE
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Funny how you forget things.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06It is, yeah. This is the pantomime
0:23:06 > 0:23:09which has disappointed the residents of Wolverhampton -
0:23:09 > 0:23:11which takes some doing.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13In other panto publicity,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15The Krankies revealed their swinging past.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18The Sun concluded their article by asking readers...
0:23:20 > 0:23:22And gave them a phone number to call,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24not the news desk, just a helpline.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Meanwhile, the Leveson Inquiry
0:23:26 > 0:23:29heard from former Mirror editor Piers Morgan
0:23:29 > 0:23:31who said that he'd heard a voicemail in which...
0:23:36 > 0:23:40To which, presumably, she responded by ringing his answer machine
0:23:40 > 0:23:43and singing the Dire Straits classic, Money For Nothing.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- BUZZER - They've discovered that
0:23:51 > 0:23:54not only has Francis Bacon written all Shakespeare's plays,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57but he's also played left-back for the England team.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59No idea.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03This is news that football was so dangers in Tudor times
0:24:03 > 0:24:05it had to be banned.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Is that news? Well, it's about 400 years old, isn't it?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- It's just emerged!- Just emerged?!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- News just in!- It's breaking.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Do you know how many people in England
0:24:15 > 0:24:18died playing football between 1500 and 1575?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Yeah, 804.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22A bit lower.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- IN A LOW VOICE - 804.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29804.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- Seven.- Seven?! - I can take directions.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- Seven?!- They've just emerged from the Black Death
0:24:35 > 0:24:37when a third of Europe died
0:24:37 > 0:24:39and they're worrying about football?!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42That's when an away leg WAS an away leg - when you had to go to Europe.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45It's political correctness gone mad.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48It may not sound a lot, but according to the Telegraph...
0:24:51 > 0:24:55The Mail reports...
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Which led to the well-known phrase, "He never touched him, ref."
0:25:03 > 0:25:05There's a tie for the third place
0:25:05 > 0:25:08in the list of the most dangerous Tudor activities.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Any ideas what that might...
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Marrying Henry VIII.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13That was pretty dangerous.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17No, according to the Times, the third most dangerous activities were...
0:25:20 > 0:25:24John Langbern of Allerston had a particularly eventful game in 1523. Do you know what happened?
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- Yeah, 1523. Let's see...- Come on.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Was that the one where his studs were not quite long enough.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35- He broke a metatarsal and was out for two and a half weeks. - Yeah, that's it.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37The coroner's record states that...
0:25:55 > 0:26:00And these aren't the earliest records of death by football.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Do you know of any others?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Is it inside the pyramids?
0:26:03 > 0:26:08Is there a wall fresco depicting a death by football?
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Was Stonehenge a football pitch with 16 different goals?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Exactly.- The Roman politician and lawyer Cicero
0:26:15 > 0:26:17describes the case of a man who was killed...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- It's amazing.- Isn't it?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Can anybody guess what happened to Alexander Godby in 1542
0:26:26 > 0:26:28as he sat on a churchyard wall
0:26:28 > 0:26:33watching archers shooting at targets next to the wall?
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Go on.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36He got hit by a football?
0:26:50 > 0:26:54John Fryssby, of course, then gave up archery.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I'll leave that one.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01This is the news
0:27:01 > 0:27:04that football used to be a violent game played by thugs.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Between 1500 and 1575,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09seven men were killed in matches between English villages.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11According to the Mail, one man...
0:27:15 > 0:27:16His assailant was sent off,
0:27:16 > 0:27:20leaving his side to hang on to a 1-0 lead, with only 136 men.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25According to the Times, it was a man's game in those days.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26If a free kick was given,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29the defending town would literally make a wall.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34An academy at Southampton University
0:27:34 > 0:27:38has uncovered evidence that Henry VIII was a keen footballer,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40very much the Ryan Giggs of his day
0:27:40 > 0:27:42in that he slept with his brother's wife.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55BUZZER
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Is it a Virgin system
0:27:56 > 0:27:59where this computer system's very, very strict
0:27:59 > 0:28:01about what it considers rude words.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04So it's about simple, ordinary words
0:28:04 > 0:28:06which don't really cause much fuss
0:28:06 > 0:28:08being censored by this computer thing.
0:28:08 > 0:28:13- Is that right? Something like that? - It's something just like that, yes. - Is it?- Yes, yes, yes.
0:28:13 > 0:28:18- Have you got any other amusing examples?- Yes, do you know, I think I can find some.- Yeah.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21- Is Scunthorpe in there by any chance?- Wait for it.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25- There's an order to these things. - Is there?
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Yes, the film Hancock was listed as this...
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Never Mind The Buzzcocks became this...
0:28:31 > 0:28:34And slightly surprisingly,
0:28:34 > 0:28:37the Golden Age Of Canals was changed to...
0:28:40 > 0:28:44Which football club was asterisked in an unfortunate way?
0:28:44 > 0:28:46- West Bromwich Albion. - Was it Scunthorpe?
0:28:47 > 0:28:48- DAVID:- Arsenal?
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Arsenal, which became...
0:28:53 > 0:28:56APPLAUSE
0:28:58 > 0:29:01AOL once banned people from...
0:29:04 > 0:29:06And...
0:29:07 > 0:29:09And...
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Might take a little while over that one.
0:29:11 > 0:29:12Ah, yes.
0:29:13 > 0:29:14Wait!
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Wait!
0:29:19 > 0:29:21Yeah!
0:29:23 > 0:29:25And do you know how the American Family Association
0:29:25 > 0:29:28upset 100-metre sprinter Tyson Gay recently,
0:29:28 > 0:29:29according to the Metro?
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Did they call him Tyson Unnatural Act, or something?
0:29:32 > 0:29:35No, they just decided that the word "gay"
0:29:35 > 0:29:38should be replaced by "homosexual".
0:29:38 > 0:29:43Which led to this headline being published...
0:29:48 > 0:29:51Which means, at the end of this round
0:29:51 > 0:29:54it's Ian and Rebecca with three,
0:29:54 > 0:29:57- and Paul and David with three. - Oh, good.- How exciting.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06You are covered in glitter now. It's going to be all over your face.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08In fact, it is, it's all over your chin.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10- That'll be there for weeks now, won't it?- Yes.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13That's the nature of glitter.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15The herpes of craft supplies.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21It's time now
0:30:21 > 0:30:23for the Odd One Out round.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26- Ooh.- And the four are
0:30:26 > 0:30:29George Osborne,
0:30:29 > 0:30:31the Littlewoods Christmas TV advert,
0:30:31 > 0:30:32Mario Balotelli,
0:30:32 > 0:30:34and the Grinch.
0:30:34 > 0:30:35BELL RINGS
0:30:35 > 0:30:38They also stole Christmas...
0:30:38 > 0:30:40except one of them.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43The Grinch stole Christmas, we know that, and Balotelli,
0:30:43 > 0:30:46I think, was there not a rumour of him giving away money.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48He gives money to people in the street.
0:30:48 > 0:30:52Well, the Littlewoods TV ad this year has got in trouble
0:30:52 > 0:30:55- because they mentioned that Santa doesn't exist.- Oh!
0:30:55 > 0:30:58They've all tried to ruin Christmas, is that it?
0:30:58 > 0:31:00- Apart from...- Apart from Balotelli,
0:31:00 > 0:31:02who tried to make everyone's Christmas...
0:31:02 > 0:31:04By giving away money.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08You're absolutely right. Mario Balotelli was the odd one out.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10APPLAUSE
0:31:10 > 0:31:14Mario Balotelli has been reportedly getting into the Christmas spirit
0:31:14 > 0:31:18by putting on a blue Santa hat and driving around Manchester
0:31:18 > 0:31:21handing out gifts and money at random.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Any idea what sort of things he was handing out?
0:31:24 > 0:31:26- Gifts and money at random. - Gifts and money.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28Want to define that at all?
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Oh, was it gold, frankincense, myrrh?
0:31:30 > 0:31:32According to the Daily Star,
0:31:32 > 0:31:34he was giving out wads of cash up to £500
0:31:34 > 0:31:37and somebody called House Party tweeted...
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Do you know how his boss, Ian - here's one for you -
0:31:47 > 0:31:51his boss Roberto Mancini reacted when he was asked about the story?
0:31:52 > 0:31:54He was pleased.
0:31:56 > 0:31:57He said...
0:32:00 > 0:32:02This is the same guy that nearly burned his house down
0:32:02 > 0:32:05by letting a firework off from his bathroom window
0:32:05 > 0:32:10and came back from a trip to buy cleaning stuff for his mother...
0:32:13 > 0:32:17Roberto is less than pleased with Mario at the moment.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19He may fine him £150,000. Do you know why?
0:32:19 > 0:32:23- Oh... Oh, he... Oh, no, no, that's the other one.- The other one?!
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Are there only two footballers?
0:32:25 > 0:32:28There was me thinking there were hundreds I had to learn.
0:32:28 > 0:32:29"Had to learn"!
0:32:29 > 0:32:33When did you start this process of learning all about professional footballers?
0:32:33 > 0:32:36About ten years ago and I've got nowhere.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40- They keep changing, don't they?- They do, there's always someone else.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43What he did, Ian - add this to your learning -
0:32:43 > 0:32:45was that he broke the 48-hour pre-match curfew
0:32:45 > 0:32:47to go out for a curry, where...
0:32:50 > 0:32:53- He's great, isn't he? - He sounds terrific.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55I think he sounds absolutely first-rate.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58He's had quite an eventful time since he's been a UK resident.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01In 2010, just days after joining Manchester City,
0:33:01 > 0:33:02Balotelli crashed his car.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04According to the Mirror,
0:33:04 > 0:33:07when police asked him why he had £5,000 in his back pocket,
0:33:07 > 0:33:08he told them...
0:33:14 > 0:33:17And a few weeks later, while sidelined by a knee injury,
0:33:17 > 0:33:20Balotelli and his brother were questioned by Italian police...
0:33:22 > 0:33:27Reportedly...
0:33:27 > 0:33:29George Osborne did spoil Christmas recently,
0:33:29 > 0:33:32for many of his Cheshire constituents. What happened?
0:33:32 > 0:33:35- We don't really have George Osborne in Ireland.- No.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Well, what happened was...
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Is that what a hunk looks like these days? Yeah, I know.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47They're getting smaller, aren't they?
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Unfortunately that was just a rumour,
0:33:50 > 0:33:53and George Osborne turned up and turned them on instead.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56Who else has ruined Christmas for someone this week?
0:33:57 > 0:33:59- There's no way of you knowing.- No.
0:34:01 > 0:34:02Take us back to 1542.
0:34:02 > 0:34:07We were happier then, when there was just two TV channels.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10It is this FedEx delivery man dropping a computer off to somebody.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Yes, they've all been accused of ruining Christmas
0:34:18 > 0:34:21apart from Mario Balotelli.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23Mario Balotelli dressed up as Santa
0:34:23 > 0:34:26and dished out handfuls of £20 notes to people in Manchester.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28It's the most cash given away in football circles
0:34:28 > 0:34:32since Qatar won the right to host the World Cup.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35It had been rumoured that Knutsford's Christmas lights
0:34:35 > 0:34:37were to be turned on by Harry from One Direction,
0:34:37 > 0:34:39but George Osborne turned up instead.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42It could be argued that the chancellor is a better choice
0:34:42 > 0:34:44to turn on his constituency's lights.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47Mind you, it could also be argued that Harry from One Direction
0:34:47 > 0:34:50is a better choice to run the economy.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52So, it's time now for the Missing Words round,
0:34:52 > 0:34:55which this week features as its guest publication...
0:34:58 > 0:35:02The one part of the press that's proud to be in the gutter.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04We start with...
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Fear and loathing?
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Horoscope and free sample.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Number one and number two.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20- GUFFAWING - It might be.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23- Shower and access to counselling. - Yeah.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33Welcoming guests to the buffet, the organiser got things off to an uncertain start
0:35:33 > 0:35:36by informing them there was no formal seating,
0:35:36 > 0:35:38but people could help themselves to a stool.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40- AUDIENCE GROANS - Next...
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Panic spreads.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46- Oh! - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:35:48 > 0:35:50I don't care what you think.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Bitter...butter batter.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58You're just saying bitter-butter-batter.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Sepp Blatter bitter.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03Yeah.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05- I'm going to tell you.- Go on then.
0:36:08 > 0:36:09The Telegraph reported...
0:36:16 > 0:36:19If you're watching in Ethiopia, I can only apologise.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Next...
0:36:25 > 0:36:27Oh, it's throwing poo.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29They penguins got jealous at Glasgow Zoo
0:36:29 > 0:36:32of all the attention the pandas were getting,
0:36:32 > 0:36:34so they started hurling droppings at the crowd.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37The spooky thing is they weren't penguin droppings.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Penguins droppings would surely be quite liquidy.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42It would be quite hard to hurl, wouldn't it?
0:36:42 > 0:36:44Is it not like bird poo?
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Haven't really got hands either, have they?
0:36:46 > 0:36:50That's true! This story doesn't hold together at all.
0:36:50 > 0:36:51Sounds very fishy.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53- DAVID:- Penguins are...
0:36:53 > 0:36:58Penguins are famously jealous of other monochrome animals.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04This is at Edinburgh Zoo,
0:37:04 > 0:37:06where the penguins keep jumping onto a wall
0:37:06 > 0:37:08and pooing on the panda visitors below.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10It not only annoys the visitors,
0:37:10 > 0:37:12but also David Attenborough's film crew
0:37:12 > 0:37:14who'd been told they were in the Antarctic.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Next...
0:37:18 > 0:37:19Ireland.
0:37:21 > 0:37:26Santa-Nav. Satnav. Santa Christmas. Father Christmas. Santa Claus.
0:37:26 > 0:37:30- Santa-Nav.- Yes!- Santa Claus.- Yes.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33Visits by Santa and his helpers to Welsh schools have been cancelled
0:37:33 > 0:37:37because he may not have been CRB checked.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40So it'll be a miserable Christmas for school children in Wales -
0:37:40 > 0:37:41as usual.
0:37:43 > 0:37:44Next...
0:37:49 > 0:37:51You may think his name is a bit repetitive.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Oh, Simon Mann.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00Former mercenary Simon Mann has enraged the Clan MacGregor
0:38:00 > 0:38:02by insulting their late chief in his memoirs.
0:38:02 > 0:38:06Simon Mann describes Sir Gregor MacGregor of MacGregor as...
0:38:09 > 0:38:12Not to be confused with Rebekah Brooks.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Next...
0:38:16 > 0:38:20Waste Disposal Unit - two. Score - draw.
0:38:20 > 0:38:25An interesting film, but in the end it didn't really work.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27Is it a robot that goes inside sewage pipes?
0:38:27 > 0:38:30Oh, don't be ridiculous. You wouldn't get a robot to do that.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33They're very bright. They'd only do it once.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35"I'm not going in there again, it stinks."
0:38:42 > 0:38:44I know how it feels.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47This is from Water Sewerage And Waste magazine,
0:38:47 > 0:38:51which has announced the location of the next exhibition as Birmingham,
0:38:51 > 0:38:53which is described as...
0:38:56 > 0:38:58APPLAUSE
0:38:58 > 0:39:01A bit of a blow for Middlesbrough, then.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03So, on that, the final scores are
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Ian and Rebecca have a massive eight,
0:39:06 > 0:39:09whilst Paul and David have a rather silly four.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11APPLAUSE
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19DAVID: After criticism of Frozen Planet,
0:39:19 > 0:39:23Attenborough has music for new series recorded on location.
0:39:26 > 0:39:28Is one elephant saying to the other,
0:39:28 > 0:39:30"Hang on, he's playing my brother's teeth!"
0:39:33 > 0:39:35Next...
0:39:39 > 0:39:42LAUGHTER
0:39:44 > 0:39:46What time do The Krankies get here?
0:40:00 > 0:40:02And I leave you with news that in North Yorkshire
0:40:02 > 0:40:04there is a poor turnout
0:40:04 > 0:40:07for the cast reunion party for Last Of The Summer Wine.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12In central London, after an alarmingly high reading,
0:40:12 > 0:40:15one patient is advised to retake the test with a male nurse.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21In Kensington Park, after a spate of dog fouling
0:40:21 > 0:40:22local residents are called in
0:40:22 > 0:40:25to identify whether it's their dogs that are responsible.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34At a G20 summit in Washington the Obamas and President Medvedev
0:40:34 > 0:40:36welcomed Nicolas Sarkozy to the podium.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43And midway through a conference,
0:40:43 > 0:40:46George Osborne suddenly has the idea of charging tax on funerals.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51And there's tragedy for Santa's little helpers
0:40:51 > 0:40:55after his loop-the-loop sleigh manoeuvre goes horribly wrong.
0:40:57 > 0:40:58Good night.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:12 > 0:41:15E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:41:35 > 0:41:41Erm, my father is an older man and he takes me out for lunch sometimes.
0:41:41 > 0:41:42And you know in restaurants,
0:41:42 > 0:41:45- you get handed this thing at the end for the credit card?- M-hmm.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48My father has this joke that he loves doing,
0:41:48 > 0:41:51where, when they hand this over, or bring it to the table,
0:41:51 > 0:41:55he just looks at it for a second and he just goes, "Hello."