0:00:02 > 0:00:03This is very spooky indeed.
0:00:03 > 0:00:06I was hosting this show the week Saddam Hussein was captured,
0:00:06 > 0:00:12I was hosting this show the week Osama Bin Laden was captured,
0:00:12 > 0:00:15and today, ladies and gentleman, the day Westlife split up.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Here I am.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I'm Alexander Armstrong.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02In the news this week, as news of the demise of Colonel Gaddafi
0:01:02 > 0:01:05flashes around the world, there is evidence that his team
0:01:05 > 0:01:08of 20 young female bodyguards may not be out of work for long.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16In south London, a reporter makes an impassioned appeal
0:01:16 > 0:01:20for information regarding the whereabouts of a confused elderly Australian sports fan.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31And before performing at the O2 Arena,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Dame Vera Lynn is less than impressed with the toilet facilities.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44On Ian's team tonight is a Tory MP and chick-lit author,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47who describes her work as trashy, with no redeeming merit.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50On the other hand, her chick-lit books are great.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Please welcome Louise Mensch.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE
0:01:58 > 0:02:02With Paul tonight is a writer and presenter who recently described BBC executives
0:02:02 > 0:02:07as "soulless, soulless bastards", which some might say is a little heavy on the soulless
0:02:07 > 0:02:09and a little light on the bastards.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Please welcome Danny Baker!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Let's start with a fairly big story, take a look at this.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24DANNY: No-one stops and searches a tractor, do they?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Oh, they're happy.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Oh, no! He's back.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31There we are, in case we didn't know what the story was.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34LOUISE: Nice, safe celebrations there.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38So, Gaddafi's dead. Big comedy moment.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Where was he found?
0:02:39 > 0:02:40In a sewer.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- A sewer pipe.- A sewer pipe, yeah.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45They're always found underground, aren't they? Never in the air.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50There must be something online, called Tunnels For Tyrants.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- TFT.- TFT!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55They're always so mean because they must be offered -
0:02:55 > 0:02:57"Do you want the single pipe or the multiwarren?"
0:02:57 > 0:03:01"Just the single pipe for me!" There's never a way out!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03They learnt their lesson this time, didn't they?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07With Saddam, he was found and they had to put him on trial.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09But luckily, this time, he was shot,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12so we didn't have to see all the character witnesses turning out for Gaddafi.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Tony Blair...- Oh, yeah!
0:03:14 > 0:03:19He didn't even get one last broadcast. I used to enjoy his radio shows.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22A trip down memory lane with Colonel Gaddafi.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26He used to say, you know, the running dog,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29the treacherous vultures of Washington
0:03:29 > 0:03:34shall pay for their duplicity in the noble blood of a desert race
0:03:34 > 0:03:38and now, for Tracy, here's The Beach Boys!
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Well, cryptically, al-Jazeera started off by saying that
0:03:42 > 0:03:44a "big fish" had been found,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47while a BBC reporter announced...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I thought, "They've got Mick Hucknall!"
0:03:53 > 0:03:56There was instant reaction around the world,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58including on the Daily Mail website,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01where the following message was posted by Sean from London...
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Oh, do piss off, Sean.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11APPLAUSE
0:04:13 > 0:04:15How did the people of Sirte celebrate the news?
0:04:15 > 0:04:20They fired bullets into the air. It's very dangerous to do that, it'll come down and kill you.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I hate to trivialise this, but on Firework Night,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I wonder where the rockets come down.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28And think this is the lesson that we could show,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30some good could come out of this.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33The last bit of the rocket that comes down is a wooden stick.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- You'd be impaled.- You would. - Especially if the rocket's still flaming away.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40It lands on your head and you go to school the next day and don't know about it.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44- That's how this happened.- Yeah, you see? That's how that happened.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46That was a Catherine wheel gone wrong.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49What were they doing in Sirte by way of celebration?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Were they dressing up as Gaddafi?
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Dangerous, I'd have thought!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Yeah. Yeah, too soon, too soon.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00No, apparently the shops were thrown open so people could help themselves to whatever they fancied,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02a tradition started in Tottenham this summer.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Andrew Mitchell, the International Development Secretary, came in with this.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Yes, he's the cabinet minister with special responsibility for brown-nosing.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23This is the death of Colonel Gaddafi.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26One of the first world leaders to comment was Silvio Berlusconi, who said...
0:05:28 > 0:05:33..but it turned out he was just trying to say one of his girlfriends had thrown up in a minibus.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37That is the oldest joke I have ever heard.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40It was revealed in the last week,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Colonel Gaddafi had been trying to negotiate a safe passage out of Libya
0:05:43 > 0:05:46with a high-ranking British contact but for some reason,
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Adam Werrity never turned up.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Ian and Louise, take a look at this.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Oh, he's not bitter.
0:05:54 > 0:06:00That is the former defence secretary. So that's the wrath of something flashing over the Cabinet Office.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02There's Gus O'Donnell looking scary.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- A diary. - Rather empty now. But he's gone.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Dr Fox resigned and he's got a £17,000 payoff.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12David Cameron says, "We've got to put this story behind us. Forget about it.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14"It was embarrassing. It's over."
0:06:14 > 0:06:15And what's wrong with that?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17And what's wrong with that? It isn't.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Isn't it?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Not if I can help it!
0:06:23 > 0:06:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- Were you there for his goodbye resignation speech?- I did hear his goodbye resignation speech.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34- Were you moved?- I was moved, especially when he thanked his wife
0:06:34 > 0:06:37and the people around him that were targeted by the media, I was moved.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Did you think, "God, the media! They're to blame!"
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I don't think they were to blame... I don't think the media...
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Cos if it hadn't been for the media, he'd still be in his job!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I think there were legitimate things that the media asked
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- and illegitimate things that the media asked.- Which ones were they?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54The innuendo about his personal life.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57He said he'd blurred his professional and personal life,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01so presumably we were entitled to ask about the personal life.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03There was a legitimate area of enquiry, that's fine,
0:07:03 > 0:07:07most of the coverage was not about that legitimate area of enquiry.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10So if he had his mate in the room, who wasn't security-vetted,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13who was listening to briefings that he should have had nothing to do with.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17A mate who was paid by shadowy transatlantic interests, including the Israeli government
0:07:17 > 0:07:22and the Iranians and others, who were paying, through a fake company... What was it called?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Sat nav or Pargav or something,
0:07:24 > 0:07:28which managed to fork out all this money,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I mean, it was a really shocking dereliction of duty.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33It was a breach in the ministerial code and he resigned.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37"It's a breach of the code" sounds like he's ripped his trousers!
0:07:37 > 0:07:39APPLAUSE
0:07:41 > 0:07:44It seems an extraordinary thing to take your mate along
0:07:44 > 0:07:47when you're dealing with nuclear warheads "and that".
0:07:47 > 0:07:51"Come in, he's all right, he's all right, come in. Sit down.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55"Order some drinks up, we'll have this done in ten minutes, go on."
0:07:55 > 0:07:58There was some cheap innuendo, wasn't there? Quite a lot of it.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- Nope.- There was no cheap innuendo at all?
0:08:00 > 0:08:05If Adam Werrity had been a young girl, 17 years younger than a minister,
0:08:05 > 0:08:09who he'd met at university, put in his own house, given a job, stuck with him
0:08:09 > 0:08:12and taken on holiday to a four-star hotel,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14then you'd have seen some proper innuendo!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17APPLAUSE
0:08:19 > 0:08:23So you're saying Fox resigned because he did something wrong.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Or did he?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Here is his colleague, Peter Bone MP, on Newsnight.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Why not accept the obvious, that...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31That he resigned cos he did something wrong.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Absolutely not.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35He resigned cos he did something right?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37He resigned, yes, because he did something right.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39LAUGHTER
0:08:39 > 0:08:42So who's taken over at Defence?
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Er, Hammond.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Hammond.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46No, me neither.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Most of the papers described him as...
0:08:51 > 0:08:54..although The Independent went with...
0:08:56 > 0:09:00I think if Fox's name hadn't been Fox,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02there wouldn't be any sympathy.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Because now everyone can say, "Oh, Fox was hounded.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06"The Fox was hunted."
0:09:06 > 0:09:10What if he'd been called Dr Liam Piranha?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Dr Liam Vampire-Squid.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21I think we'd have had a more accurate representation.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26David Cameron said that he felt ministerial rules needed to be tightened.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I think perhaps what he meant was "followed".
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Political lobbying is in the spotlight again after the Fox affair.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36David Cameron's been fairly outspoken on this issue for a number of years.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Anyone know what he said previously about lobbying?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42He said it was the next big scandal. He said it had to be sorted out.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Absolutely.- And he has. - We are sorting it out, we're bringing in a register for lobbyists.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49It was recommended in 2009 by the Select Committee, Labour said,
0:09:49 > 0:09:53"No, we're not doing it," Ed Miliband voted against it. We're going to bring it in.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- Let sunshine win the day. - Who's competing against sunshine for the day?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59"Let sunshine win the day",
0:09:59 > 0:10:02so who is sunshine competing against for the honour of the day?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I think the night.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06The night can't compete for the day.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- Its hours are completely different. - But you need sunshine to win the day.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12But this isn't your most controversial policy, is it?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"The sunshine's better than the night-time."
0:10:17 > 0:10:21These things only tend to happen once, sort of, you know...
0:10:21 > 0:10:24resignation shame, police involved.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28It's like if I'm caught shoplifting and I say, "You know what? I'm never doing that again.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31"That's in my favour. How about that?"
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I have blurred the distinction between thieving and not thieving.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Does anyone remember these two people?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- Yes.- That's Julie Kirkbride and Andrew, erm...
0:10:41 > 0:10:45And Andrew MacKay, both of whom stood down as MPs
0:10:45 > 0:10:48after they had to repay £60,000 of expenses.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Guess what they're both doing now.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- They work for a lobby company? - They absolutely do, yes.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57You're always going to have lobbyists in a democracy, it's whether or not
0:10:57 > 0:10:59you meet them secretly that's the issue, surely?
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Incidentally...
0:11:00 > 0:11:02And also why you should be able to pay for access,
0:11:02 > 0:11:06because the people on the other side of whatever issue it is -
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I don't know, nuclear power, guns for Iran, Israel, whatever,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11they don't have the money to buy the lobbyist.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15So if you happen to, say, have your mate in the office -
0:11:15 > 0:11:18I'm just, you know, I'm trying to avoid innuendo here -
0:11:18 > 0:11:20and he's been paid by the people who have got money
0:11:20 > 0:11:23but the people who haven't got money don't have any access to you,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25then that lobbying is unfair.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30I think it would be difficult in the real world to get by without groups having lobbyists.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Shall we try?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33LAUGHTER
0:11:33 > 0:11:35I'll tell you what...
0:11:35 > 0:11:36APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:40You name me a single democracy that doesn't have lobbyists
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- and we'll see how it works. - And we'll all cheer.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Name one anywhere.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Is there such a one?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Anywhere?- Poundland.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52- Poundland?- No, that's not a country, I keep mistaking it.
0:11:52 > 0:11:5617 grand would go a long way in Poundland, wouldn't it?
0:11:56 > 0:12:01So who has benefited from Fox's fall from grace?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Apart from Philip Hammond.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03I think we all have.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Here's someone who has.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- She has benefited. Here we have Chloe Smith. - LOUISE: Ah.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13And there's been a mini-reshuffle and she has got the job of Economic Secretary to the Treasury.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15How old is she?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18She's 29. If you're good enough, you're old enough.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19- Bit annoying?- No, not at all.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Erm...
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Here's another youngster, one of your coalition colleagues, Louise.
0:12:26 > 0:12:32This is Sarah Teather. Let's see her going down a storm at the Lib Dem conference this year.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I thought I wouldn't keep you for too long tonight,
0:12:34 > 0:12:39because I want to get back to my hotel room to watch Strictly.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Do you watch it?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43MURMURING Of course you do.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44I heard, though,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47that they've got Peter Hain booked for the next series.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49He's doing the tango...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Or has he been tangoed?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53SILENCE
0:12:53 > 0:12:55LAUGHTER IN STUDIO
0:12:55 > 0:12:56According to George Osborne,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I heard that he's quite keen to get on the show as well.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01He wants to do a line dance.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Probably damages my efforts at ever getting anything through
0:13:06 > 0:13:10the quad ever again, but, er, never mind.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Oh! She seems fun!
0:13:15 > 0:13:20Another beneficiary of the distraction provided by the Fox debacle
0:13:20 > 0:13:23was Oliver Letwin, or as the Mirror called him...
0:13:28 > 0:13:32So what has gaffe-prone millionaire buffoon Letwin been up to?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36He was found in a park throwing away papers which the Mirror said were secret papers.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Apparently they weren't secret or classified, but Oliver was throwing them away in a bin.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44It was all harmless, was it? Fox has meetings abroad
0:13:44 > 0:13:47and there's nothing in those that his mate heard.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50There's nothing in these papers - what do your mob actually do?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52APPLAUSE
0:13:52 > 0:13:56My uncle lost his job for doing his work in the park.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Mind you, he was a gravedigger, so you could see...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01You could see the trouble the council had.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Amongst the dumped papers was a copy of a letter between MPs Andrew Tyrie
0:14:05 > 0:14:07and Malcolm Rifkind. Did anyone see how that began?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"Don't let Oliver Letwin see this, he'll throw it in the bin."
0:14:10 > 0:14:12It said this...
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Although gaffe-prone millionaire buffoon Oliver Letwin probably won't.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22A spokesman said...
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Is that what Fleet Street calls a scoop?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34But Letwin has apologised.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I do apologise because I do understand
0:14:37 > 0:14:42that constituents may feel that, er, I shouldn't have allowed,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44er, their papers to be, er,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46in that bin.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48He shouldn't have ALLOWED it.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52The papers were going in the bin, he saw it, but he allowed it.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Separated from him.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00I saw this happening, I couldn't believe it, but I allowed it.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Cameron's spokesman was very quick to react. He said...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Uh-oh.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Last week, Cameron said...
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Bye, Ollie.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23I can't help thinking that they're just characters in a Dickens novel.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26That's my problem. "Have you met Mr Werrity?"
0:15:26 > 0:15:28"Ah, he's with Dr Fox."
0:15:32 > 0:15:36"And what's Mr Letwin doing?" "Oh, dear.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39"He's a Womble in reverse."
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- AS GREAT UNCLE BULGARIA: - "Oh, I seem to have thrown all this correspondence away.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47"I didn't know it was wrong."
0:15:51 > 0:15:55And your fellow MP and coalition partner Mike Hancock has been in the news again...
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- He has.- ..this week.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Debonair Mike Hancock, a stalwart of the Defence Select Committee,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04stepped down from it this week after it was revealed that a young lady
0:16:04 > 0:16:08with whom he'd been having an affair might have been a Russian spy.
0:16:08 > 0:16:14There is a question that she was allowed to see some confidential briefings and what have you.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17She had a pass and was vetted by the Commons authorities.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19A proper pass, or did it just say "Advisor" on it?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20No, an actual pass.
0:16:20 > 0:16:27A vetted pass, to be fair, but she was a very young and attractive lady and although...
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- I hope this isn't innuendo! - It isn't innuendo!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33APPLAUSE She was actually quite an attractive lady.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38The Russian intern and mistress was called Ekaterina Zatuliveter
0:16:38 > 0:16:42and she's currently fighting extradition. In the papers,
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Mike Hancock was described as being...
0:16:47 > 0:16:50That's code for "bit of a shagger".
0:16:51 > 0:16:53APPLAUSE
0:16:54 > 0:16:57They said, "Ekaterina is..."
0:17:02 > 0:17:05That's code for "bit of a slag".
0:17:05 > 0:17:07LOUISE: Ooh.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:12How come he's only a shagger but he's a slag? That's worse.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Tiny bit of sexism there in the comparable terms you just used.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17It's the code.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- It's the code? Whose code? - Yeah, it's the code.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- You're breaching the comics' code. - Is it the blokes' code?
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- I'm just saying what the code of the tabloids is.- It's the male code. - Ah, the evil tabloids.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Everybody knows what the code means.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30He's a shagger and she's a slag.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35I'm not defending the code, I think it's abhorrent.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Can't we say that they both have inappropriate relationships?
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- There we are.- They've blurred the line between not having sex
0:17:42 > 0:17:44and having sex.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Because they went so fast there was a blur.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49"Who's doing what to whom?"
0:17:49 > 0:17:53"I've no idea, pass the biscuits." And then they woke up and it was all a dream.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Yes, what was Mike Hancock's seduction technique?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59He didn't have to do anything. She had the opening line,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02"I hear you have a huge naval base in your constituency."
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"Want to find out, baby?"
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Apparently he offered her a CD...
0:18:09 > 0:18:12"There's the naval, there's the base, d'you know what I mean, darling?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15"You won't be taking this up the Kremlin, will you?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Paul!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21No, he offered her a CD.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- A CD?!- Yes.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27She eventually moved into his London flat. A while ago,
0:18:27 > 0:18:32he submitted an expense claim for an iron for that very flat. He said he needed one because...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I bet you do, Mike, you old rascal!
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Er, yes, it's another bad week for the coalition.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43One MP in trouble this week is MP Mike Hancock,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46whose young lover faces deportation for being a Russian spy.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Miss Zatuliveter was described in court as...
0:18:52 > 0:18:55..and Lib Dem backbenchers.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Miss Zatuliveter strongly denies being a spy but admits to having affairs with...
0:19:07 > 0:19:11But she can always make room in her diary for Hancock's Half Hour.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Oh.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18It's alleged that Miss Zatuliveter had an affair with an MP
0:19:18 > 0:19:20in order to obtain Government secrets,
0:19:20 > 0:19:24though if that was all she wanted, she could have just gone to a St James's Park bin.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Paul and Danny, take a look at this.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33Oh, right, yes, this is the travellers being run out of the...
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- The Olympic Stadium's coming on well. - Yes, that's doing well, isn't it?
0:19:36 > 0:19:40And the Olympic rings, only three have turned up!
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Yes, that is the demolition of part of the Dale Farm travellers' site
0:19:44 > 0:19:45near Basildon.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48It has been reported that several people had been Tasered.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Many Essex residents thought this was a new beauty treatment.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55It's about ten years this has been going on,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58and they've spent 18 million quid essentially on what,
0:19:58 > 0:20:03something like 40 families? It's the most staggering waste of time and effort.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08People have said, "I can't believe this much money has been spent," on what should be,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11given all the other problems, something a bit soluble, really.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Or at least, in the modern way, turn it into some kind of show.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- The caravan being evicted this week.- Is...
0:20:23 > 0:20:26What's the other protest that's been going on peacefully?
0:20:26 > 0:20:30The protest going on outside St Paul's against the terrible world economy.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32DANNY: They may have to close it down.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- They've already had to close the shop and the cafe.- Oh, OK!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38What's happening to religion?
0:20:38 > 0:20:43They were protesting against the Stock Exchange but they couldn't camp outside there
0:20:43 > 0:20:46and St Paul's said, "All right, you can camp here."
0:20:46 > 0:20:51Although it was quite amusing to see the longest queue ever for Starbucks in the history of the world
0:20:51 > 0:20:54in that square at a protest against capitalism.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- The papers have asked how long the protestors...- The papists?!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59The PAPERS.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00The PAPERS. There's just the one.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02They're outside St Paul's!
0:21:02 > 0:21:06The papers have asked how long the protesters are planning to keep up
0:21:06 > 0:21:09their howls of anger against corporate greed and inequality.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10- How did they reply?- For ever.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Until the Walls of Mammon fall down upon us.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17One protester told The Sun...
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Does anyone know what the London protestors are trying to achieve?
0:21:22 > 0:21:26The overthrow of the corrupt City system as they see it, one suspects.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28They tweet about it regularly on their iPhones,
0:21:28 > 0:21:33perhaps in-between getting cafe lattes and housing themselves in some very fancy tents.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36They are against capitalism except for the lattes.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39So if they buy coffee, their opinions are worthless?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I think if they prop up a corporate item like Starbucks,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- how much capitalism do they not like? - How can you live a capitalist world...?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50You can't negate them because they have a cup of coffee.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54That's like saying to a condemned man on the way to the gallows, when he's blubbing,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57"You've ate your last meal. What's the matter with you?"
0:21:57 > 0:22:02You can't be against capitalism and then take everything that it provides and say,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04"This is terrific, thank you,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06"but I hate the system that provides it."
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- One cup of coffee and they can't... - Can't they be about...
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Sorry, we... Er, no, no, no.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17It's just so obvious. I can't be bothered!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19What were you going to say?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26You don't have to want to return to a barter system in the Stone Age
0:22:26 > 0:22:28to complain about the way the financial crisis
0:22:28 > 0:22:31affected large numbers of people in the world, do you?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Even if you've got a cup of coffee and you've got a tent?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35APPLAUSE
0:22:41 > 0:22:44You really can't get up there and say, "Capitalism is crisis!"
0:22:44 > 0:22:47and then enjoy everything it brings and revel in it and relish it.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51You keep saying everything. They had coffee. That's not everything!
0:22:51 > 0:22:52It's more than a coffee.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Well, according to The Guardian, the protesters have...
0:22:59 > 0:23:00They're hoping to...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Right.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Well, that sounds really effective(!)
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Much better to get some lobbyists in!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12APPLAUSE
0:23:12 > 0:23:16What did Matthew Watkinson, an extra from Downton Abbey...
0:23:16 > 0:23:18If he's drunk coffee, I'm not interested.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22I'm just not interested. He's worthless.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24His opinion is of no value at all.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Not a rich TV star.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29If I can spell espresso on your breath, get out of here!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Matthew Watkinson, an extra from Downton Abbey...
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- Was he upstairs or downstairs? - I don't know.- Cos that will make a difference.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40- He could be both.- He could be saying, "Yes, my Lord!"
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Or he could be saying, "Hello!"
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I've not yet seen it, and now don't need to.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47LAUGHTER
0:23:47 > 0:23:51That's it. That's the whole plot. Have you not seen Downton Abbey?
0:23:51 > 0:23:56No, I was on tour when it was on last time and this time - pfft - missed it.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01You blur the line between watching it and missing it.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Blur that line.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Anyway, Matthew Watkinson, for what it's worth,
0:24:04 > 0:24:07he told the Mail why he was at the protest camp...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Right. Yes.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Which bigwig has been moving among the crowds in the City protest?
0:24:18 > 0:24:19LOUISE: Julian Assange.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Julian Assange...- Oh, is he? - ..with a Guy Fawkes mask.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Yeah, all right, they've made some mistakes.- Julian Assange.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Yes, who was moved on by the police.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32According to the Mail, Assange, who is contesting a charge of sexual assault was...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Not really helping his case, is he?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- No.- So how are they going to fix things?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44They're not. They don't know. They're just protesting.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48They don't, but if anyone can come up with a solution to the global financial crisis,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51there's a prize of £250,000
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- Whoo-hoo!- Lord Wolfson has put up a prize.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55He runs Next.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00Yeah, I should say, £250,000, go to Poundland, whoo!
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- Quids in!- OK, just to cheer everyone up, who'd like to see a robot playing a piano?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06ALL: Yeah!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Let's see a robot playing a piano.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11MUSIC: "Piano Sonata No.11 Rondo Alla Turca" by Mozart
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Hang on a second.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- That's just a pianola with a... - Yeah, exactly.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18..with a bunch of...
0:25:18 > 0:25:20LAUGHTER
0:25:20 > 0:25:23That's not Julian Assange, is it?
0:25:23 > 0:25:24LAUGHTER
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Wow! Wonderful.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Um, nothing really to say about that, just...
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- Nice, though, wasn't it? - This is the battle of Dale Farm.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45The leader of Basildon Council Tony Ball said...
0:25:49 > 0:25:53"Those on the outside, on the other hand, can Taser away as much as they like."
0:25:54 > 0:25:58There have been anti-capitalist protests in various cities round the world.
0:25:58 > 0:26:04Outside St Paul's Cathedral, unemployed protestor Catherine Garrity said...
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Blimey, things ARE bad when you have to eat Oliver Letwin's correspondence.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12The most violent protests saw young people go on the rampage in Italy,
0:26:12 > 0:26:16and, to be fair, if anyone's guilty of screwing the younger generation, it's Silvio Berlusconi.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:22 > 0:26:25And so to Round Two, the Strengthometer of News.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Fingers on buzzers, teams, for here is the first one.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Strengthometer!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31WHISTLING... BUZZ!
0:26:31 > 0:26:36Oh, well, they're found out this week that there's a virus that attacks people
0:26:36 > 0:26:42who go in for the essential treatment of having your rough skin taken off your toes by fish,
0:26:42 > 0:26:46instead of a pumice stone, however, you may find you lose a leg.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50It's a belief that you might be able to catch hepatitis from them,
0:26:50 > 0:26:55but equally the fish suffer because they get athletes' gill.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Bunion fin, they get that as well.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Sounds like an old Irish country and western singer, Bunion Fin.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04That's exactly right - hepatitis C and HIV.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09You're right. Let's hear how Newsnight's Emily Maitlis described it when she had one of these...
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Oh, Emily!
0:27:31 > 0:27:32LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Now get yourself down the clinic and take your hepatitic feet with you now.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- So how could these infections be passed on?- Rumour.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44LAUGHTER
0:27:44 > 0:27:49- I tend to think it's got something to do with whitebait. I've not made the connection yet...- No.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52..But I'm sure that once they have out-used their usefulness,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55there are several restaurants where they come in a light batter.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56ALL: Aw-w!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Basically, you're taking some old boy's toe fat...
0:27:59 > 0:28:00LOUISE: Eugh!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03- That's how these things get out. - That's the economic reality.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07- That is it. - Well, according to the Sun...
0:28:12 > 0:28:13DANNY CHORTLES
0:28:13 > 0:28:18Of course, it's not just the feet-owners at risk. What peril do the fish face?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Did you call me "fish-face"?
0:28:20 > 0:28:21He's a guest on the programme.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23I'm a guest here.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26The fish are starving. They're not getting enough to eat.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27- Exactly right.- Is that right?
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Poor little buggers.
0:28:34 > 0:28:39In other fish news, who was cut from the belly of a pregnant bull shark recently?
0:28:39 > 0:28:42- It's a one-eyed monster.- Yes. - Yeah.- But not a monster.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Oh!
0:28:44 > 0:28:48Are we looking at it the right way round?
0:28:48 > 0:28:51- Are you sure?- I think so.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54So, yes, so now that photo has now been discredited.
0:28:54 > 0:28:58- It has been discredited?- Yeah. - By Danny Baker.- Well, yes.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00- LOUISE: He's dead now anyway. - Why is he dead?
0:29:00 > 0:29:04- He was cut out of his dead mother's womb.- Oh!
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Oh, that's not very nice.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10OK, well, listen, to cheer us up, who'd like to see a robot playing a... No.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Lastly, does anybody know how to hypnotise a shark?
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Well, it's the usual thing, you just get it to follow a sort of watch.
0:29:18 > 0:29:25- Difficult underwater.- You can't do it underwater. You have to entice them into the High Street.
0:29:25 > 0:29:31A woman called Christina Zenato, according to the Metro is able to induce temporary paralysis by...
0:29:35 > 0:29:38..enabling her to hold it vertically in the palm of her hand, as we can see here.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41Has this photo been discredited?
0:29:41 > 0:29:44Yes, I believe that photo was discredited the other week.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48It's extremely bright for a photograph taken underwater.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51- Suspiciously flat bottom there as well.- She can't help it.
0:29:51 > 0:29:52LAUGHTER
0:29:52 > 0:29:56I turned on the telly the other day and you were asking a man
0:29:56 > 0:30:02to guess what the fish was as it was slapped round his face.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Panorama's gone downhill, hasn't it?
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Was that Panorama you were doing?
0:30:08 > 0:30:11- Yes, yes.- It was Panorama.- Wow!
0:30:11 > 0:30:14- He was rubbish.- He was useless! He couldn't get any of them.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17- Why, did he reckon...? - He reckoned he could,
0:30:17 > 0:30:20by being slapped by a fish, with a blindfold.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Why would a fish have to be blindfolded?
0:30:23 > 0:30:27This is the story which made the front page of The Sun under the headline -
0:30:29 > 0:30:35Also, as it happens, the somewhat surprising sequel to Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:30:38 > 0:30:39BUZZER
0:30:39 > 0:30:42It seems fairly self-explanatory there.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44This is about people changing their names by deed poll.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47And we lead the world in it, don't we?
0:30:47 > 0:30:50Yeah, I'll give you that. This is news that 60,000 people a year
0:30:50 > 0:30:52now change their names by deed poll,
0:30:52 > 0:30:55compared with just 197 in the year 2000.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58I've just noticed why he's changed his name,
0:30:58 > 0:31:02so he can call himself Brad Pitt. Yeah, I'm sorry, I was a bit slow.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05It's absurd because you're Brad Pitt and then in two years,
0:31:05 > 0:31:09a star comes out of Hollywood called Matt Rudd.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12Just hang in there, it'll come round, there's enough of them.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15James Stewart. Stewart Granger, that was his real name, James Stewart.
0:31:15 > 0:31:20- Changed his name.- The actor Michael Keaton's real name's Michael Douglas,
0:31:20 > 0:31:23but Michael Douglas' real name isn't Michael Douglas.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25It's Emily Pankhurst. That's right.
0:31:25 > 0:31:29The process has been dramatically simplified.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32Ten years ago, it was very complicated. Now all you need is 33 quid
0:31:32 > 0:31:34and a few minutes to fill out the form.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Can anyone remember any hilarious names?
0:31:37 > 0:31:39People who've changed their names to by deed poll.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43- We can't think of anything hilarious. - That's not what we're here for.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46I've come here to read the meter, I don't know why it's taking so long.
0:31:46 > 0:31:51There's ASDA worker Greg Lewis who went for Dr Pasty-Smasher Omelette.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54And Liverpool fan Sean McCormack who changed his name
0:31:54 > 0:31:58just before Christmas last year to Fernando Torres.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01Fernando Torres moved to Chelsea a few months later.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04What came as a bit of a surprise for Dr Pasty-Smasher Omelette?
0:32:04 > 0:32:07There's somebody else by that name. Can't be.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10He said when he found out he had really officially
0:32:10 > 0:32:12changed his name, he was quite surprised. He said...
0:32:18 > 0:32:21See, he's too stupid to be a doctor.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Bang the thing with the hammer again, we've had enough of this one.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Well, apparently people choose...
0:32:26 > 0:32:31Hit me with the hammer, I've had enough of this programme. I would.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35Apparently some people choose to fuse their surnames
0:32:35 > 0:32:36when they get married.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39So Michael Pugh and his fiancee Rebecca Griffin
0:32:39 > 0:32:43fused their surnames to become Mr and Mrs Puffin.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Of course. They told The Telegraph...
0:32:47 > 0:32:51Yeah, until they can manage to scrape together 33 quid and fill in the forms.
0:32:51 > 0:32:55Sometimes changing your name can involve changing just a vowel.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58For example, our very own Paul Martin became Paul Merton,
0:32:58 > 0:33:01David Williams became David Walliams
0:33:01 > 0:33:04and Brian Cant says it's the best 33 quid he ever spent.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Time now for the odd one out round.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11One between you this week. The four are...
0:33:11 > 0:33:1325 Chilean miners, Katie Price,
0:33:13 > 0:33:16little Grace Murdoch and Jesus.
0:33:16 > 0:33:17BELL
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Oh! Straight in there, Louise.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22I think this is all to do with the holy sacrament of baptism
0:33:22 > 0:33:24in Jordan, perhaps?
0:33:24 > 0:33:28There is little Grace Murdoch who was baptised in the Jordan,
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Tony Blair was her godfather.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33And there's Katie Price who wasn't baptised in the Jordan,
0:33:33 > 0:33:35but her name is Jordan, so I think it's Jordan.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Is exactly right! Very, very well done.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46So have all of them been baptised in the Jordan?
0:33:46 > 0:33:4925 of the Los 33 were baptised in the River Jordan this year,
0:33:49 > 0:33:52while on a visit to the area as guests of the Israeli government.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55Shall we have a quick look at the miners on their way to the baptism?
0:33:55 > 0:33:58There we are. I reckon a few of those,
0:33:58 > 0:34:03if they were stuck down a mine now could survive quite a long time.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07They'd have to drill a slightly wider hole to get them out.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10Grace Murdoch, daughter of Rupert Murdoch,
0:34:10 > 0:34:14was baptised on the banks of the River Jordan in April 2010.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Hello magazine had a field day. They had pictures...
0:34:16 > 0:34:19We can't show you the photographs,
0:34:19 > 0:34:22obviously, because Hello won't let us, but we can set the scene.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26- Excellent. If you will.- Hugh Jackman was there, Nicole Kidman
0:34:26 > 0:34:31and, of course, you said it, the godfather, godfather Tony,
0:34:31 > 0:34:33but in 19 pages of photographs,
0:34:33 > 0:34:36there wasn't a single photograph of Tony Blair.
0:34:36 > 0:34:41Which is spooky, which suggests he is in many ways other-worldly.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43How did it come out, this story?
0:34:43 > 0:34:48- Murdoch's wife blurted it out in an interview.- That's right, with Vogue magazine.
0:34:48 > 0:34:52Got to feel sorry for Vogue, because they did interview Wendi Deng
0:34:52 > 0:34:56before she had her moment of fame leaping up to defend her husband at the select committee.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00- Of course, when you were there. - I was.- What was that like?
0:35:00 > 0:35:04You were about to nail him. You'd actually got there and then someone
0:35:04 > 0:35:06got up and shoved foam in his face.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09- It was terrific PR for the Murdochs. - It was an amazing scene.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12There was Jonnie Marbles and Rupert lost his marbles
0:35:12 > 0:35:17sitting there going, "I don't remember anything."
0:35:17 > 0:35:21- He's an old man.- He's an old man! - He is an old man.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25No sympathy for protesters, Rupert Murdoch. "Oh, he's old."
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Tony Blair, just to go back to him for a moment,
0:35:28 > 0:35:34according to Wendi Deng, he is one of Murdoch's closest friends.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Closest friends. There we are.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Oh, I couldn't imagine what those words looked like
0:35:39 > 0:35:42until I actually saw them there. "Closest friend"?
0:35:42 > 0:35:45What does that mean? Is that an onion on a plate?
0:35:45 > 0:35:48What's going on? I don't get it. What's a closest friend?
0:35:48 > 0:35:52How close? How close is this closeness?
0:35:52 > 0:35:56On to Jordan. Katie Price this week was addressing the Oxford Union
0:35:56 > 0:36:00but only managed a record-breakingly feeble speech of eight minutes.
0:36:00 > 0:36:05She did, however, spend an hour answering questions from Oxford University's finest minds.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07- What sort of things did they ask? - Who booked you?
0:36:07 > 0:36:11According to the Star, rugby player Alex McDonald, 21, asked her,
0:36:11 > 0:36:14"Who has been your best lover?" Jordan replied...
0:36:23 > 0:36:28Did you have a similar exchange with Margaret Thatcher back in 1979?
0:36:28 > 0:36:32And finally, Jesus Christ. Obviously, naturally,
0:36:32 > 0:36:36one of the very first to be baptised in the River Jordan.
0:36:36 > 0:36:41Not necessarily. It's quite common baptising people in the Jordan, that's why he was baptised there.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44Yeah. It only caught on because Jesus did it.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Why there was a person called John the Baptist, I suppose?
0:36:47 > 0:36:50He changed his name by deed poll. Henry the butcher.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Yes, they were all baptised in the River Jordan,
0:36:53 > 0:36:57apart from Jordan who wasn't. The news that Tony Blair is godfather to
0:36:57 > 0:37:00Rupert Murdoch's daughter was revealed this summer.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Tony Blair would have given a speech at his goddaughter's baptism,
0:37:03 > 0:37:07but not even Murdoch has that kind of money.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11Israel recently opened a new baptism site on the banks of the Jordan,
0:37:11 > 0:37:14before which the area had to be cleared of landmines.
0:37:14 > 0:37:18No wonder Jesus walked on the water.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Time now for the missing words round, which this week features
0:37:21 > 0:37:25as its guest publication Bin Bulletin.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29Specially designed to go straight in. And we start with...
0:37:31 > 0:37:33..But whose head is that?
0:37:35 > 0:37:37..But I'm afraid it smells a bit.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40..But I'll keep the camera. This is the story of a person who found
0:37:40 > 0:37:43a handbag that had been lost at an airport,
0:37:43 > 0:37:47sent it back to the owners, but kept a camera that was in it
0:37:47 > 0:37:50as a reward for themselves. Tabloid readers were shocked that
0:37:50 > 0:37:54the person kept the camera rather than doing the customary thing when you find one -
0:37:54 > 0:37:58stuff it down your pants, take a photo and give it back. Next.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03..Meet Mike and Bernie Winters.
0:38:03 > 0:38:08What? I thought it's '70s show business, isn't it?
0:38:08 > 0:38:11..Recipe for a good night out.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Are they a firm of solicitors?
0:38:14 > 0:38:17..These are a few of my favourite things.
0:38:17 > 0:38:22Boots, nappies and chickens. It rhymes, it moves, I mean.
0:38:24 > 0:38:30Or if you want to get a really good fire going, Bin Bulletin.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33What makes it easy to handle a large sack?
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Santa.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Being Danny Baker at the BBC.
0:38:37 > 0:38:42Thank you! Bless you! Campaign starts here, brother. Stop drinking coffee.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51- Good grief!- Next.
0:38:56 > 0:39:00- Physically violated.- Utted, that's what it is, it was utted.
0:39:00 > 0:39:01Yeah.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Oh-la-la!
0:39:06 > 0:39:09England's Ed Martin was accused of hiding the letter G.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12His opponent demanded that he should be given a strip-search in the toilet.
0:39:12 > 0:39:16When they got there, all they found was a "Q".
0:39:19 > 0:39:22Tony Blair's always been a big fan of Scrabble.
0:39:22 > 0:39:26To this day, it's the only time he's seen WMD in "a rack".
0:39:26 > 0:39:28GROANING
0:39:28 > 0:39:29Next.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33..Nutted me.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38I called the Queen "darling". She didn't seem to mind.
0:39:38 > 0:39:39Michael Winner explained...
0:39:43 > 0:39:48Her Majesty ignored Michael Winner because that's what everyone tends to do.
0:39:48 > 0:39:49And finally...
0:39:53 > 0:39:55God does exist...
0:39:57 > 0:39:58What's the right answer?
0:39:58 > 0:40:01The Mummy Returns. This is the taxi driver who has
0:40:01 > 0:40:05become the first man to be mummified in the style of the ancient Egyptians.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09Ancient Egyptians believed that in the afterlife, you had to cross the river of fire.
0:40:09 > 0:40:15I'm guessing he'll be the only taxi driver crossing that river this time of night.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17So the final scores are...
0:40:17 > 0:40:20- Ian and Louise on 6. Paul and Danny on 7.- Yes!
0:40:20 > 0:40:22APPLAUSE
0:40:25 > 0:40:28Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31Ian and Louise, you have this.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34David Cameron woos the women's vote.
0:40:34 > 0:40:38Mrs Thatcher attends Dr Fox's birthday party.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44Paul and Danny get that.
0:40:44 > 0:40:48Specially posed photograph appears in newspapers.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52Pied Piper tells Job Centre, "I've still got it."
0:40:54 > 0:40:56APPLAUSE
0:40:56 > 0:41:00On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Louise Mensch,
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Paul Merton and Danny Baker. I leave you with news that
0:41:03 > 0:41:07there's a worrying sight for Michael Jackson's doctor as he arrives for his LA trial.
0:41:12 > 0:41:16In west Dorset, one constituent decides he might as well cut out
0:41:16 > 0:41:19the middle man and wait for a personal meeting with Oliver Letwin.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25And returning home from a friend's stag night,
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Eamonn Holmes loses his front door key.
0:41:34 > 0:41:35Good night.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:48 > 0:41:50E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk