0:00:02 > 0:00:04I've had a baby six days ago, so I haven't slept for six days,
0:00:04 > 0:00:09- so I'm a bit wired, so I don't know what's been going on in the news. Has Gadaffi been found yet?- No.
0:00:12 > 0:00:18Contains some strong language.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Lee Mack.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53In the news this week, as his ex-wife's revelations appear in the tabloid press,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Jeremy Clarkson happens to spot Max Clifford in the street.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:07Arriving late for the Euro summit, Nicolas Sarkozy explains how he got trapped in the folding bed.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:19In London, rumours that Kate Middleton signed a multi-million pound
0:01:19 > 0:01:21sponsorship deal with Pringles.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23LAUGHTER
0:01:26 > 0:01:31On Ian's team tonight is an award winning journalist and broadcaster who, in 2009,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34visited a drug and prostitution rehabilitation centre in Walsall.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I think she was there to do an interview, anyway...
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Please welcome Victoria Derbyshire!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42APPLAUSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:49And with Paul tonight is a comic who says his career has always been guided
0:01:49 > 0:01:52more by how much fun he's having than anything else.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Tonight, we can only assume he's here for the pay packet.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Please welcome Ross Noble.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:06We start with the big stories of the week. Ian and Victoria, take a look at this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11Angela Merkel, and her bezzie mate, Nicolas. Oh, there's Silvio, in between court appearances.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16- With a man!- Yeah. David Cameron, he's got to go because he's not in the Euro gang.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17- Oh!- Is he being lynched?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21# Rule Britannia Britannia rules...#
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Someone singing Britannia Rules The Waves and burning an EU flag.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30I expect that's clinched the argument(!)
0:02:30 > 0:02:35This is the big emergency crisis summit in Brussels
0:02:35 > 0:02:39where all the EU leaders are certain they want an end to the uncertainty,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41they're just not certain how to do it.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43So they've agreed what?
0:02:43 > 0:02:48They said, "We agree that we really, really need to do something about this crisis."
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Oh, I'm relieved then.
0:02:51 > 0:02:5617 different Euro-zone nations can't even agree on what time of day they should all eat cheese,
0:02:56 > 0:03:00so it's taken two years, no wonder it's taken two years to get to this point.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Sarkozy made a cheap joke about Mrs Merkel,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07which I gather set back the Euro about six months.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12- He said, "She's on a diet, but I saw her eating cheese twice!"- Yes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Each one of those cheeses represents a World War.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20She brought up the war. She said, unless we solve this, there's going to be another war.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I thought, "Not necessarily!"
0:03:23 > 0:03:30Where does the Primula cheese spread fit into this? I don't claim to be the most political man,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- but how does the... - But you know you cheeses!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I do, I know my cheeses. I tell you what, yeah.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Where does that fit into the whole... - Is that a top British cheese?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43The Primula cheese spread? It's like toothpaste in a cheese form.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50It's magnificent. I put it on a toothbrush and then floss with the wax from a Babybel.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Sorry, I thought this was Have I Got Cheese For You.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- You refer to me as Dairylee Mack. - OK.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02- So... - LAUGHTER
0:04:03 > 0:04:08That's not a gag, I'm just sponsoring them! So, it's the collapse of the Euro,
0:04:08 > 0:04:09but why is it different this time?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Because it's serious this time. All the other times it wasn't, apparently.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18We accept that Greece is going to go bust, but now it's Italy as well.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23Most people thought, "Italy, that's a stable country, run by a sensible fellow(!)"
0:04:23 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER
0:04:24 > 0:04:27That can't possibly be going down the tubes!
0:04:27 > 0:04:31But actually, apparently, he spent over a trillion Euros on prostitutes.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32LAUGHTER
0:04:32 > 0:04:35No, I made that up.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37What's the bail out? How much is it this time, do you know?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41For Italy, 1.9 trillion?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- That's their debt.- Is that their debt?- The bail out fund has gone up
0:04:45 > 0:04:48from 400 billion Euros to a trillion Euros.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51It's hard to tell, according to the Mail on Wednesday it's...
0:04:51 > 0:04:58- The Mail on Wednesday?- I should have paused after "Mail!" According to the Mail...on Wednesday...
0:04:58 > 0:05:00LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:02It is...
0:05:02 > 0:05:06But if you believe the Express... on Tuesday, it is...
0:05:07 > 0:05:12But they don't even know where this money is coming from. Having had the summit, they said,
0:05:12 > 0:05:17"We have this fantastic plan, we'll have all this money...and we'll borrow it from the Chinese."
0:05:17 > 0:05:19But they haven't asked!
0:05:19 > 0:05:23And also, the Chinese, what do they know about cheese?
0:05:23 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:28They hate cheese, it's not in their diet. It doesn't matter,
0:05:28 > 0:05:32if Greece goes, it doesn't matter, because who likes feta?
0:05:32 > 0:05:33LAUGHTER
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Does anyone know what a trillion is?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Is it a thousand billion?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40A trillion is when a human mates with a Klingon.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER
0:05:42 > 0:05:45So you've met my wife?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Oh, yes!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49How has David Cameron been referring to the latest plans to fix the Euro?
0:05:49 > 0:05:54President Sarkozy shouted at him on Sunday, apparently, and said,
0:05:54 > 0:06:00TRIES FRENCH ACCENT: "We are sick of you..." No, that's Italian, what's a French accent?
0:06:00 > 0:06:05- THEY MUTTER IN MOCK FRENCH - Camembert!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Camembert!
0:06:07 > 0:06:12IN HEAVY EUROPEAN ACCENT: "We are sick of you criticising us..." That's still Nancy Dell'Olio!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16It's great though, just keep going!
0:06:16 > 0:06:21"We are sick of you criticising us. You hate the Euro and yet you still want to interfere in our meeting."
0:06:21 > 0:06:26HEAVY FRENCH ACCENT: "We are not interested in your Cathedral City!"
0:06:26 > 0:06:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Nicolas is alleged to have shouted at Dave...
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Let's have a look at what happened when Sarkozy and Merkel were asked
0:06:44 > 0:06:47if they had persuaded Berlusconi to do something about Italy's debts.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52'President Sarkozy and Chancellor Merkel were asked if they thought he'd listened.'
0:06:52 > 0:06:54'A look said it all.'
0:06:54 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER
0:06:57 > 0:07:00They can't even be bothered to tell the lie, can they?
0:07:00 > 0:07:06Under pressure, Italy may be about to agree drastic measures to save the Euro. Anyone know what it is?
0:07:06 > 0:07:11Raise the pension age, cut wages, lay off thousands and thousands of people...
0:07:11 > 0:07:16There was a fight though, wasn't there? In the Italian parliament? "This is how politics works. Pow!"
0:07:17 > 0:07:21ROSS: One of them said something about the other one's wife, apparently!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Wasn't even a political debate!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25"Your wife's a slag", and it all kicked off!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27That's what we need here.
0:07:27 > 0:07:32Not slaggy wives. Fighting.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Why's John Bishop in the middle.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:41ROSS: And why is Spike Milligan helping from behind?
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Back at home, Cameron was tackling a backbench rebellion of a referendum on EU membership earlier this week.
0:07:49 > 0:07:55- How many Tory MPs rebelled?- 81 voted against and 30-odd more abstained.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59According to the Times...
0:08:01 > 0:08:03That's a hard habit to break!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09How does that happen? How do you vote in the House Of Commons?
0:08:09 > 0:08:14It's late, you go through one door, you come out, you go through the other one. It's confusing.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16If that happens, does it mean it's going to rain?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Does anyone remember the advice Mrs Thatcher was given facing a backbench rebellion?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Keep smiling and pretend you like the ... ers
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Say it again!
0:08:28 > 0:08:33- No, my mum might be watching! - I don't care, this will save me £1.50 a minute on phonecalls.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:36 > 0:08:38You're not like this on the radio, are you?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- I wouldn't say that on the radio! - "Here's some travel, you fuckers!"
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Her chief whip told her...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51She didn't bother.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54One of the rebels was Jacob Rees-Mogg MP. Let's have a look.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57He's a young Tory, whose father is William Rees-Mogg.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59He's a famous newspaper columnist.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03But Jacob is very, very...odd.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- Is he crackers?- No, no...- Jacob Crackers, it deserved more!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:11He took his nanny campaigning.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Which is new in British politics.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- I think David Cameron finds him embarrassing.- When you say he took his nanny,
0:09:16 > 0:09:21- what, door to door?- He said, "Would you like to vote Conservative? Have you met my nanny?"
0:09:21 > 0:09:24And she said, "Vote Conservative!"
0:09:24 > 0:09:25This is what he said...
0:09:37 > 0:09:40And did we see how Newsnight dealt with this?
0:09:40 > 0:09:46When you were speaking last night, you invoked the spirit of Henry V, didn't you?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- I did.- "Stiffen the sinews..." - "Summon up the blood."
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- Be like a tiger.- Absolutely.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54As opposed to being like Bagpuss?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56That's absolutely right.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01I'm flattered that you listened to my speeches so carefully,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04that's an admirable trend.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- What the Prime Minister needs... - Who's Bagpuss?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08What the Prime Minister needs is to be able to say,
0:10:08 > 0:10:13"Look, I've got to get powers back, because my backbenchers want it."
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- So it's David Cameron who's Bagpuss? - No. Certainly not.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19We strengthen the Prime Minister's position and help him
0:10:19 > 0:10:23to have the courage of a tiger when he's negotiating with the Lib Dems...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25AUDIENCE LAUGHTER DROWNS THEM OUT
0:10:25 > 0:10:27That's brilliant.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Every time there's a problem in politics,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31he's going to emerge, bring out the mice.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34# We will fix it We will fix it
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- Of course Nick Clegg, he's not been helping David Cameron this week?- No.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43You actually interviewed Nick Clegg shortly after he was elected as Lib Dem leader.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- I did. That was a few years ago now, but yeah, I did.- Nice guy?
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- He was fine.- Blimey.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- I can't... As a BBC journalist, I'm...- You've got to be impartial?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I'm paid not to have opinions.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Really? Welcome to the show.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05We sent Paul Greer out to see how much the name Nick Clegg has seeped into the public's consciousness.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10- RECORDING:- 'I think I'll accost those folks at the bus stop to see if they recognise our man.'
0:11:10 > 0:11:15- 'Yes, I think I do.'- 'Go on, then.' - 'Um, is it Steve?'- 'Steve who?'
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- 'Um, oh, I worked for him.' - 'It's not Steve.'
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Oh, I love that. Yes, this is the European crisis.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27According to The Sun, there are claims Berlusconi needs...
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Still, that's what happens when you take out a small loan with the Corleone family.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Should Berlusconi step down, his likely successor is the leader of the Northern League Party,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Umberto Bossi.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47So soon Italy's Prime Minister will be Bossi as opposed to randy.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Last week, Nicolas Sarkozy had a beautiful girl called Julia.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54As did Berlusconi, but that's a different story.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Paul and Ross, take a look at this.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- Pensioners.- The Queen and Prince Philip in Australia.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- I think that's where they are as we speak.- And a stick.- Yep.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09AS QUEEN: This boomerang is crap.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12It's just a stick. You're 'aving me on.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17- That is an enclosure with poor people in it.- Yes.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19AS QUEEN: Take these, they're horrible!
0:12:20 > 0:12:25This is the Queen and Prince Philip in Australia, being greeted by crowds wherever they go.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- And they rode on a tram. - Did they? Was that in Melbourne?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30The St Kilda tram, which, funnily enough,
0:12:30 > 0:12:35is the very tram that went past the hospital where Lee Mack used to work as a bogus official.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Let's not talk about that.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38So...
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Yes.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Look, I used to book people in for appointments.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I wasn't a gynaecologist, or anything.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Well, you were an enthusiastic amateur.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52"I'll have a look. I can't do anything."
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I used to...
0:12:54 > 0:12:59I was a backpacker and I blagged my way into a hospital job booking people in for appointments.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02You weren't actually being a fake doctor?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05No, but I might have exaggerated my qualifications to get the job.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08As the world descends into chaos what has been
0:13:08 > 0:13:11the big noise down under according to the Daily Mail?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15This would be about the Australian Prime Minister not curtsying.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Gillard. Julia Gillard. She said, "It's just not me."
0:13:20 > 0:13:21What else did she do wrong?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24It's something to do with her attire.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25She rolled a tyre at the Queen.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31She put a tyre on a swing and as the Queen approached, she went....
0:13:34 > 0:13:36And the Queen went, "Go on, curtsy."
0:13:37 > 0:13:41AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "I can't, love, I'm in a bloody tyre."
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- APPLAUSE - It's not quite it.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- She didn't have a hat on?- That is it.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50She didn't have a hat on.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- What did the Palace say about this slight to the monarch? - We didn't notice.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57People can dress for the Queen however they like, we don't mind.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00They said, "There's no obligatory code of behaviour, just curtsy."
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Sorry, just... Sorry, I said that wrong.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Actually, that would have been better, wouldn't it?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07"Just curtsy!"
0:14:09 > 0:14:13They said the person who is least concerned about protocol is the Queen.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17So why do we do it? I say "we", I've never met her.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Have you met the Queen?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- No.- Anybody in the audience met the Queen?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24I once saw Brian May out of the bus.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Did you see the Queen meet one of the Bulleen Boomers this week?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35They're a top Australian basketball team.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- The Queen met Elizabeth Cambage. - Who's very tall.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Let's have a look at this.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49The Queen's the one on the left!
0:14:52 > 0:14:56You feel she could literally pop the Queen through the hoop.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- What did the Queen say when she saw this very tall lady? - Have you come far?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Has it started raining yet?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- APPLAUSE - Oh, marvellous. No.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11She said, "You're very tall."
0:15:13 > 0:15:16And followed it with...
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Brilliant.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22After meeting the basketball player, the Queen was a little bit self-conscious about her height.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25So Prince Philip tried to help feel better.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38APPLAUSE
0:15:39 > 0:15:42At a banquet, Prince Philip was reminded of what he said
0:15:42 > 0:15:45when he was introduced to Cate Blanchett as someone who worked in movies.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48He said...
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Why do we feel sorry for the Queen this week?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Oh, heating bills, is it? She's almost in fuel poverty.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02She spends a load of money heating Buckingham Palace.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05She's one of the people that report was about. Older couples
0:16:05 > 0:16:09who are living in big buildings with no children.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- He's flogging it off, old Charles.- Is he?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14He said I won't live in Buckingham Palace when I'm King.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Which could be because he's not going to be.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- Anyone know what he's going to do with it?- A hotel?
0:16:20 > 0:16:25- He's going to turn it into a hotel. That's according to Andrew Marr's new book.- Yeah.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28And he keeps his ear to the ground.
0:16:28 > 0:16:34Is Prince Charles going to be the manager? "Would you like the minibar replenished?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Camilla is going to serve breakfasts. "Here we are, love."
0:16:42 > 0:16:47Apparently, Charles will take with him a number of highly specialised servants to this hotel.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49What is one of them particularly good at?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Is that the chap who squeezes the toothpaste?
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Or does he give you the naughty movies on the TV?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Such an image of your life!
0:16:57 > 0:17:01I spend a lot of time on the road, you know.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04The amount of times I've had to summon up a butler.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Is that some sort of slang?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13According to a new book on Buckingham Palace...
0:17:18 > 0:17:24According to the same book, what is so special about the white drawing room at Buckingham Palace?
0:17:24 > 0:17:25It's black.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31The actual answer is it's yellow and has a full-length mirror in one corner and...
0:17:41 > 0:17:43VICTORIA: Oh!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Hang on. They'll be literally just waiting there
0:17:46 > 0:17:48and everyone is having their starter
0:17:48 > 0:17:51and Maj is in there going, "Not yet.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54"Wait. Wait."
0:17:54 > 0:17:56AS PHILIP: I'm desperate for a piss!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00"Not yet."
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Whoom. "Da-da!"
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Do we believe any of this book?- No.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06This is the Royal visit Down Under.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Andrew Marr has a book out called The Diamond Queen,
0:18:09 > 0:18:13although the working title was Andrew Marr's Cynical Diamond Jubilee Cash-in Book.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Still, it should cover some of the legal fees for that super-injunction.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23Before round two, we're introducing a brand-new technical innovation to the show.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26The Large Hadron Collider Of News.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28All: Ooh!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36In this round, we fire high-speed news particles at each other
0:18:36 > 0:18:37and analyse the result.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Buzz in when you know what the story is.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43BUZZER
0:18:43 > 0:18:47That is the tent city that nobody's in.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50They set up their tents outside the cathedral.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- And they used thermal imaging devices.- And none of them are wearing thermals.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Yeah. It was a hell of a sight.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02And some bloke's left. Some canon's been fired, or whatever.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- He's resigned because he invited them to stay originally.- Yes.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09He thought it might be a good idea, people protesting about poverty.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Anyway he was overruled.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14The Dean came in and said, "Yes, obviously,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"we want to help the poor, but the gift shop's losing a lot of money."
0:19:17 > 0:19:21And the visitors. So they close the cathedral
0:19:21 > 0:19:23on the grounds of health and safety.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27They said the guy ropes of the tent might trip over visitors.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30And there could be a rodent problem.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Never mind that, that bloke's been nailed to a bit of wood.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Never mind the guy ropes, look at him up the top there!
0:19:38 > 0:19:43I've offered my services. I'm going to grow a beard, go down, dressed in a loin cloth,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46walk out with a crown of thorns and go, "Oi, off!"
0:19:46 > 0:19:48"Off!"
0:19:48 > 0:19:49APPLAUSE
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Just so the canon can go, "I told you I'd get my supervisor."
0:19:57 > 0:20:01One newspaper said "We've had thermal imaging and no-one is in the tents."
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Another said, "You can't tell, they may well be there."- What?
0:20:03 > 0:20:08They're just very, very cold? They've actually died!
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Wasting time with thermal imaging and getting the equipment - just a spike.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13That's all you need.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Agh! That's one.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Agh! No, nothing there.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Agh!
0:20:20 > 0:20:23We've got a thermal-image still from the Daily Mail.
0:20:23 > 0:20:28Apparently, it reveals the green object in the foreground is a bin.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Does anyone know what's the camp slogan?
0:20:33 > 0:20:34- CAMP VOICE:- Oh!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39ROSS INDISTINCT
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Unless it gets a bit nippy and we run out of pants!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Natasha Ighodaro and Nicholas Cunningham got married at St Paul's on Saturday.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53The protesters promise to keep quiet after one o'clock.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57By 1:30, according to the Sunday Times, the protesters were...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Well, let me tell you, that is not true.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Um...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Yes. Have we covered all those questions?
0:21:16 > 0:21:20- MAN: I believe you've got a couple more.- Have I? Sorry.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I've got a question. I didn't move the card. It's here.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26OK. Next question. How do I get this gig?
0:21:28 > 0:21:29- APPLAUSE - Anyone?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Er, do you know there's a clown protesting?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Here he is.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42It would be great if he just was genuinely a bad undercover cop.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Does anyone know what he's called?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48PC Coco?
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Not so much enthusiasm in your voice, please, Ross(!)
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- AS ROSS:- PC Coco, if I have to.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- You'll never guess it, I don't know why I'm asking.- OK, try us.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Barry Daft.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Anybody know his real name?
0:22:05 > 0:22:06William Daft?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10His real name - Andrew.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Thank God we got to the comedy gold of the clown.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16APPLAUSE
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Countering claims they are spoiling the square at St Paul's,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27one 18-year-old, who gave his name as Sean, told the Telegraph...
0:22:29 > 0:22:33In that case, Sean, you're one of the few teenage boys in the country who is.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39Critics are concerned the protest is having an adverse effect on businesses in the area.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Try telling that to the manager of the local branch of Millets.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52There's a new perfume in Burton-on-Trent.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Yes, there is a new perfume in Burton-on-Trent.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I knew that because I read "Burton-on Trent" and saw perfume.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01That was a give-away. What's unusual about the perfume?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- It smells of... - Burton-on-Trent city centre.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08You're not a million miles away by saying that.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10It's creator Victoria Brooks told the Telegraph...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25You're really selling it, Victoria!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28So there are people going to the chemist going,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30"I'll get this new... Mm."
0:23:30 > 0:23:33"Oh, mm, a Big Issue seller and a Dixons."
0:23:34 > 0:23:37"That's lovely. Yeah."
0:23:37 > 0:23:40That's good, because that would attract blokes.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Splash that behind and he just goes... HE SNIFFS
0:23:42 > 0:23:44"I fancy a new clock radio."
0:23:47 > 0:23:49According to the Telegraph the perfume...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Eugh!
0:23:55 > 0:24:00If you want to know what that smells like, try standing downwind of these two.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Isn't like your mum and dad, Ross?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Well you should know, you've shagged her.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12You started it!
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- And this is for women to wear? - For women, but I'm sure men can wear it, as well.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24- I think any woman would fight to have the aroma of Branston pickle around her.- Yeah.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27You wouldn't want to smell of your home town. Where are you from, Victoria?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I was born in Bury.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Oh, that's ruined that joke.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- It says on the card "Ramsbottom". - Yes, Ramsbottom's Bury, yes.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- You can't smell like Bury, but you can smell like a ram's bottom.- Oh!
0:24:39 > 0:24:44Do it again. You wouldn't want to smell like your home town. Victoria, where are you from?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- Ramsbottom.- You liar, you're from Bury!
0:24:46 > 0:24:49APPLAUSE
0:24:49 > 0:24:53You can't trust the BBC, can you?! Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56BUZZER
0:25:01 > 0:25:05This is an incident in a Photo-Me booth at Victoria Station.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09It's Clarkson. Has lifted his... He lifted his, er...
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- Injunction. - That's the word I was looking for.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15That could have gone one of two ways.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- Is it Clarkson lifting his injunction, Lee?- You what, love?
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Is it Clarkson, lifting his injunction?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I've just had one, thank you.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Before we go anywhere, with this,
0:25:28 > 0:25:32can I say that both sides deny everything the other one says about them.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Said it. Can we move on?
0:25:33 > 0:25:38He says, he and his wife took out this injunction to stop his ex-wife
0:25:38 > 0:25:43from claiming that she'd had an affair with him after he'd remarried.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48- Yeah.- And now he has decided that he will lift the injunction
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- so he can defend himself. - I think he's found
0:25:50 > 0:25:54that, like everyone else, they don't work. Originally, the super-injunction
0:25:54 > 0:25:58was granted because there was a suggestion of blackmail.
0:25:58 > 0:26:03He says the former wife, the woman he was married to before, was blackmailing him.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05So, he took out an injunction so no-one could say anything.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Which, essentially, is not a really logical way of fighting it.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10If she's blackmailing you,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13prosecute her for blackmail and put her in jail.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15It's almost the last of the big super-injunctions
0:26:15 > 0:26:18that no-one was allowed to talk about and report.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- But was its generally known? - Yeah.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22- Did you know it?- Yeah.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23- Did you know it?- Yeah.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Did you know it?
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Yeah, Ian told me.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Did you all know it?
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Nobody told me.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Thanks a lot,
0:26:32 > 0:26:36that means I'm technically in breach of the injunction.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- You'd better come and visit me. - I will.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Make it Wandsworth, that's near for me.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48But, originally, everyone thought that it was Jeremy Clarkson
0:26:48 > 0:26:51and Jemima Khan, who was falsely linked...
0:26:51 > 0:26:53No-one thought that except people on Twitter,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55cos they don't know.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Oh, OK, so you didn't think that?
0:26:57 > 0:26:58- No.- Ah, OK.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00People thought it was about Jemima Khan?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03It's like being in court here.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Yeah, get used to it, blabbermouth.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11According to Clarkson's people, whose honour
0:27:11 > 0:27:14did Clarkson's first wife initially say she wanted to defend?
0:27:14 > 0:27:18The honour of the Stig, because she thought he had been treated badly.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20What, and he can't talk?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Well, he's got a helmet over his head.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25It's an actual man under the thing.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- Thermal imaging has proved that. - Yeah.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32He told the Independent...
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Well, that's very nice.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Do you two often go off on, like, caravanning holidays?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43I can see you two hanging out quite a lot.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47"Right, let's drive!" "All right, Jeremy."
0:27:47 > 0:27:50It says this on the card, Ian. So don't think I'm pushing you.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53It says, "Who else has got one out, then, Ian?" A super-injunction.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Um...
0:27:55 > 0:27:58JLV versus HXX, that's a good one.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- Scrabble board?- Yes.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01What do you mean?
0:28:01 > 0:28:05- They get initialised, these injunctions.- But not the initials
0:28:05 > 0:28:06- of their names?- No.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10Oh, I thought it was somebody Roman.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I thought, that's a bit weird, isn't it?
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Some centurion has been having it off with a Big Brother contestant.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20"They romped wildly in the back of a chariot!"
0:28:20 > 0:28:23They're very long-lasting, super-injunctions.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25That one's from AD 10.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29We couldn't broadcast it, you couldn't publish it in a newspaper,
0:28:29 > 0:28:30we could chat about it in the pub.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- Can you allude to it, though?- No, no, no.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36You could say there was that actor, that was with a thing in the woo,
0:28:36 > 0:28:38and don't, Mrs...
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Jack Douglas from the Carry On films?
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Waye-ay! Cannay tatch er! Waye!
0:28:44 > 0:28:48You know, all I'm saying is, there's the bloke from that thing
0:28:48 > 0:28:51that's on the, you know, and he...with her,
0:28:51 > 0:28:53and she...with... Oh, blimey, not up there!
0:28:53 > 0:28:57Could you say, I know about a footballer?
0:28:57 > 0:29:00If it was an injunction you could, but if it's a super-injunction...
0:29:00 > 0:29:03- You can't say anything. - No, you can't say anything.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07- You can't acknowledge a super-injunction exists. - Then, he's in trouble.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Cos he just acknowledged one exists about, eh, jee nowhap, eh, ooh, eh!
0:29:11 > 0:29:13He's going down.
0:29:13 > 0:29:18All I'll say is it certainly cured his hiccups!
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Clarkson said one reason for dropping his super-injunction was the cost.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23PHONE RINGS
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Hello?
0:29:33 > 0:29:35Oh, hi, I can't really talk now,
0:29:35 > 0:29:39I'm in the middle of a television recording.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42I'll... I'll, I'll ...
0:29:42 > 0:29:45I'll ring you back.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Sorry, it's my lawyer.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Did it cure your hiccups?
0:29:49 > 0:29:53Apparently I had a conversation with Paul Merton six months ago,
0:29:53 > 0:29:55but I didn't mention anything
0:29:55 > 0:29:58that could have been linked to those cases,
0:29:58 > 0:30:03- particularly not that one. - Absolutely.- You told Ross, though.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06- No, no. Paul told me. - Oh, Paul told you?
0:30:06 > 0:30:07How did he find out?
0:30:07 > 0:30:08Ian told me.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14Time now for the odd-one-out round.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Ian and Victoria, your four are -
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Alessio Rastani,
0:30:18 > 0:30:22footage used in an ITV documentary about Gaddafi's links with the IRA,
0:30:22 > 0:30:25Vladimir Putin's discovery of two Ancient Greek urns
0:30:25 > 0:30:26and Greyfriars Bobby.
0:30:26 > 0:30:30He's the trader who was interviewed on the BBC News Channel
0:30:30 > 0:30:32and outraged everybody by saying,
0:30:32 > 0:30:36"The recession's great, you can make loads of money, bankers like me
0:30:36 > 0:30:39"just take, take, take. The recession's brilliant."
0:30:39 > 0:30:41- They said he was a fake but he isn't.- That's right.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Well, that footage at the front of the Gaddafi film,
0:30:44 > 0:30:48they made a documentary and said, "These are weapons used by..." Was it the IRA?
0:30:48 > 0:30:51- The key thing is they took the imagery from a video game.- Yes.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54And it was FIFA 2010.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57So, no, that's fake.
0:30:57 > 0:31:01Putin, I read this story, cos Putin likes to be, you know, action man.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05And this was footage of him discovering two Greek urns.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09And then there were suggestions that the urns had been planted
0:31:09 > 0:31:11in the dig, so Putin could go,
0:31:11 > 0:31:13"I have found the urns."
0:31:13 > 0:31:16- That was...- Blofeld!
0:31:16 > 0:31:18That was Darth Vader, wasn't it?
0:31:18 > 0:31:21- And the dog?- He was so faithful, Greyfriars Bobby,
0:31:21 > 0:31:22he was always stayed
0:31:22 > 0:31:26on the gravestone of his owner, and it turned out this wasn't true.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30He was just a dog who hung around the graveyard, hoping to be fed.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33So, they're all frauds, apart from the trader.
0:31:33 > 0:31:34Is the right answer.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Hooray! Well done, you.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43Yes, they're all not what they were claimed to be,
0:31:43 > 0:31:45apart from Alessio Rastani,
0:31:45 > 0:31:48who really was a trader, despite everyone assuming he was a hoax.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50Rastani appeared on BBC News saying
0:31:50 > 0:31:53he goes to bed every night dreaming of another recession.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56His remarks were so extreme he was assumed to be a hoaxer. Shall we take a look?
0:31:56 > 0:32:00Personally, I've been dreaming of this moment for three years.
0:32:00 > 0:32:01I have a confession, which is,
0:32:01 > 0:32:04I go to bed every night, I dream of another recession.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07I dream of another moment like this. This is not a time right now to...
0:32:07 > 0:32:10Wishful thinking, the government is going to sort things out,
0:32:10 > 0:32:12the governments don't rule the world,
0:32:12 > 0:32:15Goldman Sachs rules the world.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17A cheery thought, isn't it?
0:32:17 > 0:32:19And they don't even pay any tax.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Or they don't pay enough tax.
0:32:21 > 0:32:22Lawyer.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27- Is he still hanging from up there? - Yeah!
0:32:27 > 0:32:32It's the only place he can get reception to phone Ian.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36Putin went on a scuba diving trip and claimed to have discovered two ancient Greek urns.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39Putin was then reported to have declared, with a big grin...
0:32:41 > 0:32:43The boys presumably referring to
0:32:43 > 0:32:46a team of professional archaeologists several years earlier.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49Ofcom has launched an enquiry after ITV mistakenly included
0:32:49 > 0:32:52a video game clip instead of real footage
0:32:52 > 0:32:54of its new current affairs show, Exposure.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57What was the clip meant to be showing?
0:32:57 > 0:32:59A helicopter being shot down.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02It's when it said, "Game Over."
0:33:02 > 0:33:05- They should have really twigged. - And the helicopter crashed
0:33:05 > 0:33:08and a fat Italian plumber danced out.
0:33:10 > 0:33:11In other news,
0:33:11 > 0:33:14ITV are showing highlights of Wimbledon this year.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21They're all not what they claim to be apart from Alessio Rastani,
0:33:21 > 0:33:25who really was a trader, despite everybody assuming he was a hoax.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28Journalists suggested he was part of the team of political hoaxers
0:33:28 > 0:33:29called The Yes Men.
0:33:29 > 0:33:33But when asked, The Yes Men said, "No."
0:33:33 > 0:33:35Paul and Ross, here's yours -
0:33:35 > 0:33:36Richard Branson,
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Mario Balotelli,
0:33:38 > 0:33:39Hermann Goering
0:33:39 > 0:33:41and wannabe alchemist, Paul Moran.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Balotelli was in the news last week for...
0:33:43 > 0:33:48Somebody set-off some fireworks from the bathroom, I think, of his house.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51- Branson's house just burnt down, didn't it?- Oh, yes, that's true.
0:33:51 > 0:33:55- Who was the fourth bloke, in the mask?- Wannabe alchemist, Paul Moran.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57It's got to be about fireworks.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01The wannabe alchemist, he's, sort of, trying to get gold from lead, or something.
0:34:01 > 0:34:05Is it about fireworks? Is that the idea and houses not burning down?
0:34:05 > 0:34:08- Yes, you're on the right track, it's actually...- Goering.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Goering, yes, why is it Goering?
0:34:10 > 0:34:12- Well, all their houses burned down...- Yes.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16..and his...his didn't. Erm...
0:34:17 > 0:34:20His didn't and the producers of this show just randomly
0:34:20 > 0:34:22selected Goering as opposed to Barry Chuckle.
0:34:22 > 0:34:27They all have houses that caught fire apart from Hermann Goering,
0:34:27 > 0:34:29who ordered the Luftwaffe not to drop incendiary bombs
0:34:29 > 0:34:33on a Kent seaside town because he wanted to live there after the war.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36- It was, did you see Saltwood Castle? - I have seen it, yes.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38Yes, well, that's what he was interested in living in.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42The Hive Herald was very excited, naturally. How did they cover it?
0:34:42 > 0:34:43Hive Hitler?
0:34:43 > 0:34:47AUDIENCE GROANS
0:34:47 > 0:34:50They published this photo. That's with Goering looking out to sea
0:34:50 > 0:34:51with the caption...
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Police were called to the Manchester City striker
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Mario Balotelli's house after a friend set off
0:35:01 > 0:35:04fireworks in the player's bathroom, causing a substantial fire.
0:35:04 > 0:35:05Why in the bathroom?
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Because the kitchen was busy,
0:35:07 > 0:35:11there was a bonfire in there.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Didn't he chuck his keys at the police and say,
0:35:13 > 0:35:15"If you need me I'll be at the Radisson?"
0:35:15 > 0:35:17He did say that, yes.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Charming, isn't he? Why has Balotelli also upset his mum this week?
0:35:20 > 0:35:23She sent him out for a kettle and he came back with a trampoline,
0:35:23 > 0:35:26two mopeds and...
0:35:27 > 0:35:29- Scalextric.- Scalextric.
0:35:29 > 0:35:30This is a true story, by the way.
0:35:30 > 0:35:35Every time I answer a question properly people look at me like...
0:35:35 > 0:35:37He went to the moon on a unicycle. There you go.
0:35:37 > 0:35:41Mario's mum sent him out to buy the cleaner some essential items.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43As the sun described...
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Good luck cleaning with those.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Wannabe alchemist Paul Moran,
0:35:53 > 0:35:54he was recently sentenced
0:35:54 > 0:35:58to three months in prison after he set his council house on fire trying
0:35:58 > 0:36:03to turn his own faeces into gold by heating it to a high temperature.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05Urgh!
0:36:05 > 0:36:08He hasn't read the alchemy books, has he? It's lead into gold,
0:36:08 > 0:36:09not turds.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14Literally sitting on a gold mine, is that the idea?
0:36:16 > 0:36:18He's a bloke from Ireland who turns shit into gold,
0:36:18 > 0:36:20isn't that Westlife?
0:36:25 > 0:36:28Branson's house in the Caribbean burnt down after being
0:36:28 > 0:36:32- struck by lightning during a tropical storm. - Kate Winslet was there, wasn't she?
0:36:32 > 0:36:34- She saved his mum. - That's right.
0:36:34 > 0:36:35Richard told ITV news...
0:36:46 > 0:36:50Ah, fleeing from a burning mansion on a private Caribbean island
0:36:50 > 0:36:53carrying the elderly mother of a bearded multibillionaire -
0:36:53 > 0:36:56that's a real-life situation I think we can all relate to.
0:37:00 > 0:37:04Richard Branson's house burnt down after being struck by lightning.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07According to the Mail, when the house was set on fire...
0:37:10 > 0:37:13At the insistence of his guests.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Time now for the missing words round
0:37:15 > 0:37:18which, this week, features as its guest publication,
0:37:18 > 0:37:21The Newsletter Of The Museum Of Celebrity Leftovers.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25That's a museum devoted to leftover food, not to be confused with the celebrity leftovers
0:37:25 > 0:37:28you can see on the current series of Strictly Come Dancing.
0:37:28 > 0:37:29And we start with...
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Taking them to destination.
0:37:36 > 0:37:41Passing the electric current through seats in the second class.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Treating them like human beings.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Oh, it's the cockpit with the tape! They taped up the cockpit window...
0:37:47 > 0:37:50- That is the right answer. - ..and then took off!
0:37:53 > 0:37:55Let's have a look at that.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57It's actually more worrying than it looks,
0:37:57 > 0:37:59cos that's after takeoff.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02Next...
0:38:03 > 0:38:04Huge success.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Disaster.
0:38:07 > 0:38:08Middling.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10Closed.
0:38:10 > 0:38:11Bombed.
0:38:11 > 0:38:15Was it, "Gutted when Eamonn Holmes turned up?"
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Says Eamonn Holmes.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27This was a review of the museum by a visitor. Next...
0:38:30 > 0:38:35That's it, that's the actual sentence, there, there's no...
0:38:35 > 0:38:37actual missing word there.
0:38:37 > 0:38:4015 empty gin bottles.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42It's actually...
0:38:46 > 0:38:48"Neuuu."
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Jan Leeming is just one of the galaxy of stars whose leftovers
0:38:51 > 0:38:54feature in The Museum Of Celebrity Leftovers.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Craig Richie, the ex-BBC weatherman, left a pastry,
0:38:56 > 0:38:59he'd expected it to be warm, but it turned out to be cold.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04Did they get the Chuckle Brothers to write this week? Next...
0:39:08 > 0:39:11Buying any more avocados? Err, growing them?
0:39:11 > 0:39:12Inserting them?
0:39:12 > 0:39:16- Inserting them?- Yeah.- Shall I tell you?- Yeah.- Owning more than ten.
0:39:18 > 0:39:22- What?- Yeah, a man has been banned from owning more than ten avocados,
0:39:22 > 0:39:25or five avocado PAIRS.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30This is an American thief in San Diego who was banned by a judge
0:39:30 > 0:39:34from owning more than ten avocados after he admitted to stealing £1,000 of the fruit.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38The thief feared a prison sentence but after three days of the avocado trial,
0:39:38 > 0:39:40the judge went soft on him.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43And finally...
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Terry Nutkins with a stepladder.
0:39:52 > 0:39:53A scarf for Christmas.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58A new foot? Yes, it's going to be a new foot, isn't it?
0:39:58 > 0:40:02- It's something to do with feet. - Pedicure.- It is a pedicure.- Is it?!
0:40:04 > 0:40:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:09 > 0:40:13So, the final scores are Ian and Victoria with nine points, Paul and Ross with seven points.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15It's a win, thank you very much indeed.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17- Sorry about that.- That's all right.
0:40:19 > 0:40:23But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Ian and Victoria have this...
0:40:25 > 0:40:27Have you met Mr Clegg?
0:40:29 > 0:40:32Doctor's haircut resembles a tunnel.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38- And a tiny man climbs out of his bum. - That's right.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Paul and Ross get this...
0:40:44 > 0:40:48Come on, Gaddafi, we know you're in there.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51It's funny, if you whistle that end, you get a noise out the other.
0:40:51 > 0:40:56On which note we say thanks to our panellists Ian Hislop and Victoria Derbyshire,
0:40:56 > 0:41:00Paul Merton and Ross Noble. And I leave you with news that at a meeting of the G8 countries,
0:41:00 > 0:41:06there's a tense moment as Silvio Berlusconi prepares to address the Japanese prime minister.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12After running over the rabbit with a hover mower,
0:41:12 > 0:41:17a quick thinking father tries to hide the evidence before the kids rush to see what the noise was.
0:41:18 > 0:41:22GROANING
0:41:22 > 0:41:26And as David Attenborough starts filming another documentary series,
0:41:26 > 0:41:30there are signs that the animals are getting used to the cameras.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Goodnight.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:42:01 > 0:42:03E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk