0:00:11 > 0:00:19This programme contains some strong language
0:00:25 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40I'm Stephen Mangan.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43In the news this week... The British Davis Cup tennis team
0:00:43 > 0:00:47hear the announcement that, from now on, serving double faults will not be penalised.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59In a conference centre in Athens, on hearing a third recipe for stuffed vine leaves,
0:00:59 > 0:01:03one man begins to realise he's sitting in the wrong meeting.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11And at a Lib Dem conference,
0:01:11 > 0:01:14delegates are invited to vote in favour of the motion that
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Nick Clegg doesn't have the faintest idea what he's doing.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27With Ian is a comedian and actor
0:01:27 > 0:01:31who believes we all have our own inner idiot inside us.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33In his case, he's got room for two or three.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Please welcome Greg Davies.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37APPLAUSE
0:01:41 > 0:01:44With Paul is a journalist who, as a child,
0:01:44 > 0:01:48dreamed of marriage to John Taylor from Duran Duran.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51And for younger viewers, I should explain, marriage is something
0:01:51 > 0:01:56couples used to do when they planned to stay together for more than a year or two.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Please welcome Grace Dent.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:06We start with the biggest stories of the week. Ian and Greg, take a look at this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11That's Greece. Or it was. It may be part of Germany by now.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Papandreou - he is announcing something new.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19She's saying, "No way." Flat.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23"Chuck it out." This is the latest bail out of a bail out.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26By the time we go out, something else might have happened.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Can I just say, early doors,
0:02:29 > 0:02:33I'm unlikely to make any insightful satirical remarks during this show.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37If someone on the camera, when Ian makes one, could come to me
0:02:37 > 0:02:39and I'll smile appreciatively...
0:02:39 > 0:02:41LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:51APPLAUSE
0:02:51 > 0:02:53No pressure, then.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I am aware of the Greek crisis.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57- Oh, good.- Over to you.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01I was going to ask you what you thought about having a referendum.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06Well, I think having a referendum is probably not a good thing.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12- My understanding is that... Papandreou?- Very good, yes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15My understanding is it's all his fault anyway.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Well, I'm glad no-one's asked you then.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23Apparently, about six months ago, he borrowed a tenner off wonga.com.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Now they owe £83 billion.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31There was meant to be a deal done
0:03:31 > 0:03:35and then Papandreou said I'm going to ask the Greek people what they think,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38which is pretty ludicrous.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Asking the public what they think about their own future -
0:03:42 > 0:03:44it wouldn't happen in this country.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46There was going to be a referendum.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50The Germans and French said, "We're paying. So it better be a yes."
0:03:50 > 0:03:54It suggests they haven't got the hang of this democracy thing.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58So they said, literally, the referendum has to say,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"Would you like to leave the euro - no or no?"
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Europe are now counting on China helping us out.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Basically, the Chinese Finance Minister,
0:04:09 > 0:04:14turned up at the G20 and everyone is suddenly being nice to him.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16They're like, "Have you lost weight?"
0:04:16 > 0:04:24Apparently, Berlusconi has offended the Chinese President, President Hu, I believe,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27by doing an incredibly ill-judged knock-knock joke.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34They keep saying that Berlusconi should move out of the spotlight,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36because he's done so many bad things,
0:04:36 > 0:04:40but as a woman, I'd prefer him in the spotlight, so I can see where his hands are.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I think he should move out of the spotlight, because he's clearly melting, isn't he?
0:04:44 > 0:04:49He looks like a Ken doll that's been sitting by a fan heater.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54And Papandreou, I feel so sorry for him. There's a vote of no confidence in him. That's right, isn't there?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Since that, he's facing all the blame for this
0:04:57 > 0:05:00and Berlusconi is still in power - how?
0:05:00 > 0:05:04A man with the morals of a horny Jack Russell.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I think that's quite unfair to Jack Russells.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Angela Merkel hates him,
0:05:11 > 0:05:15because he called her "an unfuckable lard bucket".
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Who does your translations for you?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Everyone's got to have a nickname, I suppose.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I always think Angela Merkel sounds like a specialist fishing bait.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- Yah.- Have you got it, Ian? - Yeah, no, terrific.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Camera.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40How have the Greeks reacted to the uncertainty?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43One government official told the Mail...
0:05:47 > 0:05:51That was the Finance Minister, Petros Cackytrousers.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54How did a government insider defend the shock announcement?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57He doesn't know what he's doing.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Yeah, pretty much. He said...
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- That's quite good.- Yeah.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Someone in the press said he was dancing on a volcano, Papandreou.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17So he'd make an ideal partner for Nancy Dell'Olio.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23I thought it was dangerous enough when Lionel Richie was dancing on the ceiling.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26That was a health and safety nightmare, wasn't it?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Do you know why Greece got itself into trouble, according to the Daily Mail?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Goodness me, where do we start?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Tax is seen as a, sort of, voluntary system there. - 50 quid seems reasonable.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04They've got some stuff to sell, haven't they, Greece?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Their version of Antiques Roadshow would be amazing.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13Shall we play name seven things the Greeks invented, according to The Sun?
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- Yes.- Thank you, Paul.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Feta cheese.- No.- Democracy. - Democracy is one of them, yes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21- The Olympics.- Yes.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- Nana Mouskouri. - Yes, but they didn't put that in.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- Drama?- Theatre is one of them. - Satire.- No.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I'll put you out of your misery. The seven things are mazes,
0:07:34 > 0:07:38the Olympics, democracy,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40theatre, geometry, lesbians...
0:07:40 > 0:07:42LAUGHTER
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- ..and N-Dubz.- N-Dubz?!
0:07:50 > 0:07:54There was quite a drop off after they created democracy, wasn't there?
0:07:54 > 0:07:59In fact, the Sun had a piece, "What have the Greeks ever done for us?"
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Their timeline goes like this..
0:08:26 > 0:08:28It's not just Greece that's in trouble.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31What was one Spanish mayor's idea for solving his town's
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- financial crisis?- Has he taken all the property back?- No.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36It's the Mayor of Cacabelos.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40His brainwave was to bet their entire annual budget
0:08:40 > 0:08:42on the Spanish National Lottery.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49And guess what? Their numbers didn't come up.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53They also have a scratchcard but unfortunately no-one has a coin.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58I visited a Spanish town this summer, where the mayor of that town
0:08:58 > 0:09:01has made it illegal to die.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03How is he enforcing that rule?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I don't know, but it is a genuine law.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Is that what happened to Lulu?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"Is that what happened to Lulu?"!
0:09:13 > 0:09:14She is the living dead, yeah.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Yes, it's the drama that's gripping Europe,
0:09:17 > 0:09:21a combination of Greek tragedy, French farce and Italian rom com.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25The Sun reminded its readers that Greece is the country that gave us...
0:09:29 > 0:09:33..who ironically, is now richer than the country.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35As Italy's economic crisis continues,
0:09:35 > 0:09:39evidence has emerged that Silvio Berlusconi has made payments
0:09:39 > 0:09:42of 2.7m euros to glamorous women, including...
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Come on, Miss Greece, your country needs you!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Paul and Grace take a lock at this.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01It looks like a royal crown there.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04That is Prince Charles talking to somebody.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Oh, right, yes. OK, this is about the Royal Family.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12I have determined that by the various examples that you've shown me there.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Ladies are allowed to become Queen now.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17If the oldest born is a daughter she can become queen.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20They're still restricting this to the Royal Family.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Difficult for outsiders to break in. It's the start of it.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28In 100 years time, they'll be marrying robots and yoghurts and things like that.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30It's not the whole of the aristocracy.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35They haven't changed it for everyone. If you've been watching Downton Abbey,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38if they brought this in for everyone they wouldn't be in that mess.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Yeah, Lady Mary would inherit the abbey.- Absolutely.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Thank goodness for that.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Something on ITV caught your interest, Mr Hislop?
0:10:47 > 0:10:51I was watching it and it was full of this stuff about insurance companies.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54But then there was some stuff about Downton Abbey in between,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56which I quite enjoyed.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01It's the news that the laws of succession are to be changed.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06The Mirror has provided a handy guide to how the change affects the current line-up.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Prince Andrew's dropped from fourth to seventh, seen as good news by...
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Well, just about everyone.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18Nicholas Witchell has moved up a couple of places. Lovely to see.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- Who is currently number eight, but will drop to number 12?- Prince Harry.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- No, Viscount Severn. - Is he in The Matrix?
0:11:27 > 0:11:31But there's six previously unsuccessful prototypes.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Anyone got any idea who he is?
0:11:33 > 0:11:34He's a biscuit, isn't he?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37GRACE: They're delicious.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41He is little Jimmy Windsor. Full name...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44James Alexander Philip Theo Mountbatten Windsor.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Prince Edward and Sophie's son.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I've never seen a photo of him ever before.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49No, we stole that.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55This is quite a big thing for women, I think.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59You know who was our biggest supporter on this? Jeffrey Archer.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01- Really?- Feminist icon.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08That's the F-word I don't associate with him.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I once flambeed a Jeffrey Archer novel.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- How did it taste?- I didn't eat it.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I was just so disgusted to find it in my flat - someone had left it there -
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I genuinely put it in a wok.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Sorry, back with you.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27You approve of this, Grace? You sound quite genuine.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I think it's important for women.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I'm not without criticism of the Royal Family,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35but I think it's ridiculous... It's from 1701, the law.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38It's like the first born becoming king.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I love all your serious faces,
0:12:40 > 0:12:44trying to look interested in some women's lib point.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50It's a small step towards modernising the Royal Family. I think that's good.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53They are still riding around in massive gold carriages, though.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56They're as modern as my granddad's views on the Chinese.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I feel sorry for Kate. I don't know, I saw her this week
0:13:02 > 0:13:05and I think she's looking thinner than I've ever seen her.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10She was out doing a, you know that, grope and grin or whatever you do.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Scrounging for food round the back of the bins?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Afterwards, everybody criticised her for not being confident enough.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Or for being too thin.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Yeah, well... no.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I'm saying that from a caring point of view.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Yeah, right. That's what journalists always say.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30"Oh, she's so thin, isn't she?"
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I absolutely don't mean it like that.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Are we seeing the birth of a new mime artist?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Don't be horrible to me again.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50You were horrible about me in Private Eye and I rang you up.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Was I?- Yeah, it's OK.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I rang you up and you just went, "Yeah, I know, sorry."
0:13:57 > 0:13:58LAUGHTER
0:14:00 > 0:14:03And I couldn't stay mad at you, cos you're adorable.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09That hasn't worked for everyone you've upset, has it?
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Well, not with Jeffrey, no!
0:14:12 > 0:14:17- Oh dear, I feel guilty now. - No, honestly...- No, I don't really.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I haven't forgiven you, either.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23According to The Sun, under the new arrangements, who would have been
0:14:23 > 0:14:26on the British throne during WWI?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- The Kaiser!- ..is absolutely correct.
0:14:29 > 0:14:36He wouldn't be on the throne during WWI, because he wouldn't be running Germany, he'd be running Britain...
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- So there wouldn't have been a war. - This is exactly what The Guardian said, yes.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44The First and Second World Wars would never have happened,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46and we'd be driving top-of-the-range Audis
0:14:46 > 0:14:49and embracing low levels of personal debt.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52APPLAUSE
0:14:52 > 0:14:57Meanwhile, who has Prince Charles discovered he's related to?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59The Queen?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02The answer is Vlad the Impaler.
0:15:02 > 0:15:07Talking about his fascination with Romania,
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Prince Charles told the Mail...
0:15:16 > 0:15:18B'dum-tish!
0:15:18 > 0:15:20They published a picture of Charles to accompany the article.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Here it is. Who tucks their tie into their trousers?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27It's a man who works for him.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32This is a change to the laws of succession.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35The upside of the new rules is that Prince Andrew would go down
0:15:35 > 0:15:37from fourth in line to seventh. On the other hand,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Zara Phillips would go up from 12th to sixth,
0:15:40 > 0:15:44taking with her Prince Mike of Tindall, Duke of Dwarf-throwing.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48According to The Guardian,
0:15:48 > 0:15:51if the succession law had been in place in Tudor times...
0:15:55 > 0:15:58..so on the downside for history fans, no crown for Henry VIII,
0:15:58 > 0:16:02but on the bright side, no career for David Starkey.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07- And here's one more.- This is someone operating in black and white.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10This must be the 75th anniversary of television,
0:16:10 > 0:16:14and those days, a programme lasted about 20 seconds. She's gone.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- Is it 75 years of British television? BBC?- Absolutely right.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22The BBC started broadcasting from Alexandra Palace in 1936.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Shall we have a quick quiz on the early days of telly?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Yes, please! Fantastic! Great. Wonderful.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32- What was the first programme broadcast?- Was it Bruce Forsyth Presents...?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35No, it was actually this...
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- # A mighty maze of mystic... # - She's miming.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44# ..magic rays Is all about us in the blue. #
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Any idea what the second programme broadcast was?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- BUZZER - It was the BBC - it was a repeat.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54Is the right answer. Let's see the second programme broadcast.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59# A mighty maze of mystic... #
0:16:59 > 0:17:03In 1947, what were Mary Kay and Johnny the first couple
0:17:03 > 0:17:05to do on British TV?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- Cook.- No.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- BUZZER - Cook.- No!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12BUZZER Cook.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Is the right ans... No, it's not.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Kiss.- Kiss is close.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21They moulded fascist leaders out of clay.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Did they have aggressive and relentless sex?
0:17:24 > 0:17:29Is the right answer. Well, they slept in the same bed.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34BBC TV has only been off air once since 1936, during WWII.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39What was the last programme broadcast before hostilities began on 1st September, 1939?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- A Mickey Mouse cartoon.- Is right! - And when it came back in 1945,
0:17:42 > 0:17:47- they started with the same cartoon. - Is the right answer to the next one I haven't even asked.- Sorry.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Very good! It's often said TV is not as good as it used to be,
0:17:55 > 0:18:00and has been steadily dumbing down. Let's see if there's any evidence of this -
0:18:00 > 0:18:03here's an extract from an edition of Ask The Family from 1981.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Admah, Zeboim and Zoar,
0:18:06 > 0:18:10sometimes called Bela, together with two other cities
0:18:10 > 0:18:13formed the Biblical "cities of the plain" - what were the other two?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- BUZZER - Sodom and Gomorrah? - Were the other two.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24And here, by comparison, is a recent edition of The Weakest Link.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28In travel, British traffic lights are green, amber and which other colour?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Green.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Talking of TV history, we lost a major broadcasting figure this week.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43- Who?- Sir Jimmy Savile.- Anyone ever asked Jimmy to fix something?
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- I asked him if I could be in an Adam Ant video.- Did that work out for you?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- No, he never wrote back.- You didn't write this week, did you?
0:18:56 > 0:19:01My mum found me writing to him - I asked if I could drive a tank.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06My mum said all small boys will ask Jimmy Savile if he could arrange
0:19:06 > 0:19:10for them to ride in a tank, so do something more original.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13So, I imagine somewhere at the BBC, my letter to Jimmy Savile,
0:19:13 > 0:19:19asking him if he can fix it for me to go on a big set of steps in a library
0:19:19 > 0:19:22probably still exists. He must have opened that and thought,
0:19:22 > 0:19:27"This is the most tedious 12-year-old in the history of this programme. I wish I could find him and kill him."
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Did you specify which section?- A big stepladder in the London Library,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35and if you're watching, Mum, which I know you are, fuck you.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42We seem to be back to a Greek theme.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Oedipus.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Please take that out of the edit, I really love my mum.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Well, clearly.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56It's the degree of love that's the problem.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03So to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- BUZZER - It's a cat called Beauty
0:20:08 > 0:20:11who belongs to an MP's girlfriend.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15The MP is called John Hemming and the MP's wife was found guilty
0:20:15 > 0:20:17in court of sneaking into the girlfriend's house
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- and stealing the cat.- She didn't remember doing it, was her defence.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24So they showed her this, to jog her memory.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26There she is with no cat.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- There we go.- Pretty elaborate case of sleepwalking, isn't it?
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- Hasn't the cat been discovered somewhere?- Absolutely right. The Telegraph reported on Monday...
0:20:44 > 0:20:45But by Wednesday, it was...
0:20:49 > 0:20:55MP John Hemming allegedly has had lots of affairs. Any idea how many his wife has said he's had?
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- Do we base it on that photograph, how many he's had?- Look at the state it's left his hair in!
0:20:59 > 0:21:03It's been claimed he's had 26 affairs.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Does he have access to chloroform? How does he do it?!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09He's a suave and sophisticated Member of Parliament.
0:21:09 > 0:21:16- He belongs to one of the top parties...- And he can entertain women with his little hair island.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Come with me, ladies, to my Hair Island!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25You will swim amongst follicles, but you will enjoy yourselves.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29This is the MP who resisted all the super-injunctions.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Yes, he was the MP who...blew Ryan Giggs.- Beg your pardon?- Sorry.
0:21:35 > 0:21:41- He was the MP who blew Ryan Giggs's cover.- Very happy to reveal others' private lives, and his own.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- He is un-embarrassable. - As is clear by his haircut.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51Meanwhile we learned Nick Clegg likes to do something while having meetings. Anyone see this?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Insane daydreams of murdering the rest of the coalition.
0:21:55 > 0:22:00According to the Mail on Sunday, he's started using a rowing machine during meetings.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- Cabinet meetings?!- I think it's pronounced "ROW-ing machine".
0:22:05 > 0:22:11How was busy old Nick Clegg described by the girls from hit show The Only Way Is Essex this week?
0:22:11 > 0:22:15"'Oo's 'e? Never 'eard of 'im. You been sick in my pocket?!'
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Have you watched it? - Never - but I've been to Essex.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24I met Amy Childs, who used to be on The Only Way Is Essex, recently.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27She's famous for the vajazzle. Do you know what one of those is, Ian?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Vajazzle? It's a film from the '60s, starring Peter Cook!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33GREG: Yeah, that's it(!)
0:22:33 > 0:22:38It's when you glue arts and crafts around your private parts as a treat for your partner.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- We've all done it.- Sounds lovely.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Like a wickerwork steam engine?
0:22:47 > 0:22:52One of the girls from the hit show described Nick Clegg as...
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Did she think The Coalition" was a boy band?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02She overlooked Vince Cable? Can't believe that.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- And John Hemming!- With his Hair Island.- Also this week,
0:23:05 > 0:23:10Ed Miliband objects to having his nose described in a particular way.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Attached to a twit.
0:23:13 > 0:23:19- He doesn't like that at all.- The author of a parliamentary profile
0:23:19 > 0:23:21described him as having a...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25That's a bit unfair!
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Yes, never mind the Euro, the big story in British politics involves a missing cat.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34The cat, which may or may not belong to MP John Hemming, has spent
0:23:34 > 0:23:39the last couple of months living in a house down the road. So it must be an MP's cat, it's got a second home.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Also, according to the Daily Mail, Nick Clegg is so busy,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47he's taken to holding meetings while exercising on a rowing machine -
0:23:47 > 0:23:52the perfect form of exercise for Nick Clegg - going nowhere, fast.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56John Prescott has been accused of using a taxpayer-funded credit card
0:23:56 > 0:23:59on a trip to Australia. According to the Mail,
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Prescott spent £456 at a casino in Sydney, and...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Plus five quid for the chips.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- BUZZER - Ian.- It's a baby.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- Good.- It's the seven billionth baby.
0:24:21 > 0:24:27- In the world.- It's the unseemly battle to be the seven billionth human being. Who won?
0:24:27 > 0:24:31It was between Hugh Grant's new baby and Justin Bieber's.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I don't even know who he is.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Turns out it's quite tricky to say who the seven billionth person is,
0:24:38 > 0:24:42but the UN and the papers' favourite was Danica Mae Camacho.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Danica's mum Camille said...
0:24:50 > 0:24:53To be fair, Camille, she probably isn't.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57UN big cheese Ban Ki-moon was quick to comment.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01"UN big cheese"?! Give him the respect he deserves.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Apparently, his comments were...
0:25:18 > 0:25:22"..but many congratulations on the birth of your beautiful daughter.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26"Lots of love, Big Cheese Ban Ki."
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Is it fair to say the UN have a bit of time on their hands?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34The BBC graphics department went to town on this.
0:25:34 > 0:25:40It took until 1804 for there to be one billion people on the planet.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46By 1927, that figure had doubled.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50In just over 30 years, it hit three billion,
0:25:50 > 0:25:54then look how quickly it rose to four, five, six, and now seven...
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Let's fast-forward, because this goes on for some time...
0:26:13 > 0:26:17They clearly blew the entire annual graphics budget on that.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Because two days later, this is how the same facts were reported.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26..the human population stayed stable.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Things like hunger, famine and drought kept it in check.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35It's not until 1800 that we reach the first billion,
0:26:35 > 0:26:40and from there, it's a dramatic, remarkable rise,
0:26:40 > 0:26:42to today.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46This is the news that the planet's seven billionth baby has just been born.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51One of the babies claimed to be the seven billionth was little George Dolkas from Athens.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55After the photo, he took one look at the Greek economy and crawled back inside.
0:26:55 > 0:27:01Experts at National Geographic have worked out that all seven billion
0:27:01 > 0:27:04could fit into Los Angeles City, if we all stood shoulder to shoulder.
0:27:04 > 0:27:10If you want some idea what that's like, come to London during the 2012 Olympics.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14The BBC has produced a handy website to work out what number you were
0:27:14 > 0:27:18when you were born. All you have to do is enter your date of birth.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21For instance, when I was born, I was baby number...
0:27:24 > 0:27:29Whereas Bruce Forsyth, on the other hand, was baby number 23.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between the two teams this week.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Tim Henman,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39the "Kismot Killer Curry",
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Ken Livingstone, and Sooty.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- BUZZER - Just to break the silence, I thought I'd press the buzzer.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Like everybody else here, I've no idea.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Is it...Sooty was always asking, "What did you say?"
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Ken appears to be a bit deaf.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59Tim's saying, "Did you say, 'Come on, Tim?'"
0:27:59 > 0:28:01And that curry makes you deaf.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05That's the worst answer this programme has ever had.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Ever. On anything. Any answer in the history of man.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Give him the points, for sheer inanity.
0:28:13 > 0:28:18- Unfortunately, it's not true. Not the right answer. - How can it not be true?
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Sooty is always saying, "What did you say?"
0:28:21 > 0:28:26Ken Livingstone is deaf. Tim can't hear people say, "Come on, Tim."
0:28:26 > 0:28:29The curry's the odd one out, because it isn't a puppet,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32wasn't mayor of London and has never played tennis at Wimbledon!
0:28:32 > 0:28:35The more you say that, actually, the more convincing it sounds.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37And what is your answer? "I don't know!"
0:28:37 > 0:28:40It was still better than that one!
0:28:40 > 0:28:42That's true. Can you give us a clue?
0:28:42 > 0:28:47It's something to do with things going wrong in your body.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50- What might a very, very hot curry do to you?- Diarrhoea?
0:28:50 > 0:28:53- Yes.- Oh, how unpleasant.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Well, Sooty is clearly the odd one out then, isn't it?
0:28:56 > 0:29:00If it isn't, I feel sorry for the person operating it!
0:29:01 > 0:29:04I think, in the back of my mind, Sooty threw a pizza at somebody.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- He did. - GRACE: Paul Daniels.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09And it hurt his eye and he had to go to hospital.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12- What type of pizza?- Sharp pizza.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Pepperoni and razor-blade pizza.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Tim Henman is the odd one out.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Tim Henman IS the odd one out, but why?
0:29:21 > 0:29:24Because I've said everybody else and that was wrong.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26You got very close.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Someone went to hospital after a fracas at a party with Ken.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32- He fell down some steps, didn't he? - It's got to be food based, though.
0:29:32 > 0:29:36Did he fall down steps and accidentally throw a pasty at someone?
0:29:36 > 0:29:38It's not a someone, it's an animal.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41Did he throw a bun at a lemur?
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- That's not far off the answer. - A doughnut at a swan?
0:29:51 > 0:29:55It's good, because it can get it around its neck, like hoopla.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59- You'd better tell us.- I will.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01You were right, Tim Henman is the odd one out.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03They've all caused someone to be hospitalised,
0:30:03 > 0:30:07apart from Tim Henman, who merely caused Jack Duckworth actor,
0:30:07 > 0:30:11Bill Tarmey, to extend his stay in hospital.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Tim Henman's 2007 Wimbledon performance
0:30:14 > 0:30:17caused Bill to have a heart attack.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Bill told the Daily Mirror...
0:30:30 > 0:30:32According to Wikipedia...
0:30:35 > 0:30:38So Tim very much the black sheep.
0:30:38 > 0:30:42Two contestants in a curry-eating contest
0:30:42 > 0:30:45at the Kismot curry house in Edinburgh were hospitalised
0:30:45 > 0:30:49after suffering a violent reaction to the Kismot Killer curry.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52According to the Daily Mail, they were left...
0:30:54 > 0:30:56That's called a night out in Edinburgh.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02One of the victims, curiously named, Curie Kim,
0:31:02 > 0:31:04described the Kismot Killer curry experience...
0:31:12 > 0:31:15That would make it worse, wouldn't it?
0:31:16 > 0:31:20Being stabbed with a knife that had been dipped in barbecue sauce.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24The worst thing for her was that she only came second. She said...
0:31:31 > 0:31:33How did the Sun cover this story?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36Curry On Vomiting?
0:31:36 > 0:31:39- That's good.- Vinda-loo-break?
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Curry Woman Runs Outside and Vomits?
0:31:44 > 0:31:46In brackets, She Has Massive Tits.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50They went with the headline...
0:31:55 > 0:31:58It was revealed this week that Ken Livingstone
0:31:58 > 0:32:02contributed to the hospitalisation of Guy the gorilla
0:32:02 > 0:32:03from London Zoo.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06Was he feeding him illegal bananas or something?
0:32:06 > 0:32:07Ken explains...
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Why? Was he doing the operation?
0:32:22 > 0:32:27I liked your initial suggestion that he was feeding him illegal bananas!
0:32:27 > 0:32:31Ken Livingstone has got a massive stash of illegal bananas.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34"Got to get rid of these somewhere..."
0:32:34 > 0:32:38Apart from killing gorillas, what else has Ken Livingstone been in the news for recently?
0:32:38 > 0:32:40A biography of him has come out. An autobiography.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42He reveals in the book that he...
0:32:46 > 0:32:49The one excuse Boris hasn't tried.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54And according to The Sun, Paul Daniels was hospitalised
0:32:54 > 0:32:58this summer after Sooty smashed him in the face with a pizza.
0:32:58 > 0:32:59And who can blame him?
0:33:02 > 0:33:05The incident led to a huge debate on Twitter, which,
0:33:05 > 0:33:09according to the Mail, was fuelled by a fake Sooty account.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13What? As opposed to the real Sooty account,
0:33:13 > 0:33:16where Sooty lets his fans know what he really thinks?
0:33:16 > 0:33:19Time now for the missing words round, which this week
0:33:19 > 0:33:22features as its guest publication, Onion World.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24We start with...
0:33:27 > 0:33:31"If you let me give them a rinse through once," says Gazza.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36The answer is...
0:33:40 > 0:33:42One physicist said...
0:33:50 > 0:33:52If you didn't understand that, don't worry,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55it will be explained again in the repeat yesterday.
0:34:02 > 0:34:06"I have found that with age, my testicles resemble onions."
0:34:07 > 0:34:10- "I can't understand a word he says." - Is the right answer!
0:34:13 > 0:34:17In response, a furious Sean Connery phoned Roger Moore
0:34:17 > 0:34:19and launched into a tirade of foul-mouthed abuse,
0:34:19 > 0:34:25to which Roger Moore replied, "Thank you, but I don't want to change my gas supplier."
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Shallots coming over here and stealing our jobs.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Transparency.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39Transparency, yes. It's got to be transparency.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44The answer is water availability.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46According to Onion World...
0:34:53 > 0:34:55Well said, Onion World.
0:34:55 > 0:34:59It's high time those fish cut down on their extravagant water usage.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Bloody fish!
0:35:01 > 0:35:03Swimming around like they own the place!
0:35:06 > 0:35:09GRACE: Kill.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Convert you to Catholicism?
0:35:12 > 0:35:14GREG: Store the corpse of Justin Bieber.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Be haunted? Halloween story. Could your fridge be haunted?
0:35:20 > 0:35:24Does your ice-cube tray bear the spirit of Anne Boleyn?
0:35:24 > 0:35:27In that tiny pot of yoghurt,
0:35:27 > 0:35:32is that Isambard Kingdom Brunel... in strawberry form?
0:35:32 > 0:35:35I think Grace might have had it earlier. What did you say, Grace?
0:35:35 > 0:35:38- I said could your fridge kill? - Is the right answer.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41This is part of a full-page story in the Daily Mail,
0:35:41 > 0:35:44which advises its readers to invest in a cheese box.
0:35:44 > 0:35:49As investments go, it's got to be better than most pension funds.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55GREG: Margaret Thatcher.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02The answer, I'm surprised you didn't get this one,
0:36:02 > 0:36:04is Dr Changying 'Charlie' Li.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Wine snob ghost returns spirits.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Wine snob....
0:36:15 > 0:36:17- CHIMING - There he is!
0:36:17 > 0:36:20The mystery word! Who said the mystery word?
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Wine snob ghost. Was that the mystery word?
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Was that someone shooting at us?
0:36:25 > 0:36:28Wine snob ghost haunts a Blue Nun.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31The answer is...
0:36:35 > 0:36:42The manager of the pub chain says many regulars have seen the figure of a man of about 60 behind the bar.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44No-one has managed to make any contact with him,
0:36:44 > 0:36:45but that's bar staff for you.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Next, what...
0:36:51 > 0:36:56An onion! A Belgian onion! A Spanish onion! French onion! Onion expert!
0:36:56 > 0:36:58It's a type of fruit.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Onion apple invented. Apple onion.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Virginity.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Tiny horse?
0:37:08 > 0:37:10- It's a mini...- Lemon!- Apple.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12Watermelon. A wini-matermelon.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Wini-matermelon?
0:37:14 > 0:37:16She was married to Nelson Mandela for a while!
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Wonderful woman.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21The new variety of wini-mater...
0:37:22 > 0:37:25Leave it as wini matermelon. It's good.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27The new variety of mini-watermelon
0:37:27 > 0:37:31was just one of the attractions of the onion convention, at which...
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Scream if you want to go faster.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Next, Sir Larry gave Maggie what?
0:37:47 > 0:37:50Throat sweet. He told her it was a throat sweet.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54- Voice coaching. - Oh yes, acting lessons.
0:37:54 > 0:37:58Voice catching is the right answer, the voice that went down in history.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01According to the Mail on Sunday...
0:38:09 > 0:38:12Which she promptly used to announce a massive cut in arts funding.
0:38:13 > 0:38:17I was actually taught by the same bloke, to speak.
0:38:17 > 0:38:21His name was Robert Palmer. There is no joke here. At RADA.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23- Was he good?- Yes.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25Did he do mellow, mellifluous?
0:38:25 > 0:38:29He had a voice like chocolate, I would say. A very silky voice.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31The same man who did Addicted To Love?
0:38:33 > 0:38:36- He's a very busy man. - How was your voice before?
0:38:36 > 0:38:38(HIGH VOICE) I talked like that.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45Told to get at the end of the cue.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47APPLAUSE
0:38:48 > 0:38:50Told he needs a break.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54He's going to do them all!
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Should have a rest on the bottom cushion.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Should screw back for the brown.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02Has learned his lesson?
0:39:03 > 0:39:07Will not sit by a snooker table, yawning.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09The answer is...
0:39:12 > 0:39:16"I'm going to win that contest if it's the last thing I...
0:39:16 > 0:39:18"Photograph me now! Go on!
0:39:20 > 0:39:23Yes, one bulldog swallowed his owner's false teeth.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25According to the Daily Mail...
0:39:32 > 0:39:36As much as any man can smile whose teeth had passed through a dog's digestive system.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39So the final scores are,
0:39:39 > 0:39:41Ian and Greg have eight points,
0:39:41 > 0:39:44but this week's winners are Paul and Grace, with 10.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46APPLAUSE
0:39:52 > 0:39:56But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Paul and Grace get this.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03Bike discovers man growing out of its saddle.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07"I've been peddling for hours but nothing is happening."
0:40:07 > 0:40:10GREG: Lionel Richie tries riding bike on the ceiling.
0:40:13 > 0:40:17- Very good. - LAUGHTER
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Do they teach you insincerity at Rada as well?
0:40:23 > 0:40:25- Very good. - LAUGHTER
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Ian and Greg have that.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32GREG: Goats hear rumours of land mine.
0:40:36 > 0:40:40Goats aim to get their own insurance following meerkat example.
0:40:41 > 0:40:45He's going to say very good in a minute!
0:40:45 > 0:40:46No, I'm not.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:50 > 0:40:54Ian Hislop and Greg Davis, Paul Merton and Grace Dent.
0:40:58 > 0:41:02And I leave you with news that at a G8 conference in Rome,
0:41:02 > 0:41:05Angela Merkel regrets answering a live video link message
0:41:05 > 0:41:07from Silvio Berlusconi's hotel room.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13In London, after a swimming pool is contaminated,
0:41:13 > 0:41:15the culprit finally owns up.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21And at a Royal Garden Party, following several cucumber sandwiches,
0:41:21 > 0:41:24a new record is set for the world's longest burp.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Goodnight.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:31 > 0:41:33E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk