0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Welcome to Have I Got News for you, I'm David Mitchell.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42In the news this week...
0:00:42 > 0:00:47at Heathrow, Theresa May's new, stricter border controls policy is put into action.
0:00:52 > 0:00:57Authorities in Liverpool hailed this year's bonfire night as their safest ever.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05And, at a UN charity auction,
0:01:05 > 0:01:09bidding is slow for the item kindly donated by Silvio Berlusconi.
0:01:14 > 0:01:20With Ian is a stand-up who took part in Comic Relief's 24 Hour Panel People,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23where dozens of charitable comedians gave up their time
0:01:23 > 0:01:26to help David Walliams's career.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Please welcome, Roisin Conaty.
0:01:28 > 0:01:34APPLAUSE
0:01:34 > 0:01:38With Paul is a comedian and writer who recently presented
0:01:38 > 0:01:41a BBC Four documentary, The Search For Satan.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44He's in America doing the X Factor, isn't he?
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Please welcome Andy Hamilton.
0:01:45 > 0:01:51APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:55And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Paul and Andy, take a look at this.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00What's he doing?!
0:02:00 > 0:02:04That's Berlusconi, obviously, making friends wherever he goes.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07This is the passing of a comedy legend, this.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- It's a sad day for people like us. - Yes, indeed.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13They should let the Mafia run Italy.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- That's sort of what's been happening. - Make it official.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Silvio Berlusconi's got to go, not because of the other stuff
0:02:19 > 0:02:21but because Italy is massively in debt,
0:02:21 > 0:02:26and that will only be the debts Silvio's told them about,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29because a man like that doesn't put much in writing.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31You say he doesn't put much in writing,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34but in fact he did put something in writing this week, didn't he?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37A note he'd written to himself.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41He wrote the word 'traitors' during the vote.
0:02:41 > 0:02:46- Yes, it was caught on camera in the Italian parliament. - Or it could have been 'trattoria'
0:02:46 > 0:02:50where he was true to meet a number of attractive young MEPs.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53He put down the number of traitors, eight,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55so he knew how many horses' heads to order.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58What happens to the rest of the horse?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Can anyone get a horse's arse?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I suppose it must be for more minor misdemeanours.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06A horse's arse I think would be worse than a horse's head.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Imagine waking up next to a horses arse?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11There's something personal about that.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15You might say a horse's arse was more flirtatious, though.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- Flirtatious? - That's an odd word to pick!
0:03:20 > 0:03:23That's an interesting window into your life.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30So, when you said you entered a horse at the Grand National, you actually...
0:03:30 > 0:03:35I don't really want to do any jokes about the eurozone crisis,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39because I don't want to spook the markets.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43I think it's a bit unfair, a lot of people have been saying
0:03:43 > 0:03:46the Italian people are to blame for voting for Berlusconi,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48but it's not like you could tell what he's like
0:03:48 > 0:03:50just from looking at him....
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Imagine if you went to buy something
0:03:54 > 0:03:58and a salesman walked through the door towards you looking like Berlusconi,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01you would instinctively call the police, wouldn't you?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Unless I was buying jet black hair dye.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08The markets probably went bad, as well, because, if he's resigning,
0:04:08 > 0:04:13think how much he's going to spend on his final bunga bunga party.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Look how much he spent when he was trying to keep the job!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Yeah, it's quite a leaving do, isn't it?
0:04:19 > 0:04:24What did Berlusconi get in trouble for at the G20 meeting last week?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Falling asleep?- Yes, that's right. - That was one of them.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Falling asleep was another of them, as well, because he fell asleep twice.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33And he wasn't embarrassed.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36That's what's so extraordinary, his official's saying, "Wake up!"
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- And he didn't care.- But he's not embarrassed by anything, is he?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44That's his secret, surely.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Wasn't that bit at the beginning, that little dance he was doing,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- he was impersonating a disabled person.- Yeah.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Well, that's someone who's not easily embarrassed, isn't it?
0:04:54 > 0:04:59- It is Ricky Gervais's act. - In our country we've taken the decision
0:04:59 > 0:05:03not to give Ricky Gervais much fiscal power.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07But it's all right, European Central Bank is going to step in and save Italy,
0:05:07 > 0:05:11and the ECB is backed by the three big European countries,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- Germany, France and Italy. - Oh, great(!)
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Italy's going to bail itself out.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Everyone knows, if you've got a three-legged stool,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22it can do perfectly fine with just two legs.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26At the height of the crisis, how did Berlusconi spend Monday night?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Was it on Facebook?
0:05:27 > 0:05:32He did, he's a 75-year-old man, what's he doing on...
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Oh, actually, no, I've worked it out.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39He announced that he wasn't going to resign on Facebook.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I think he updated his status to "Still Prime Minister" or something.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48But that's not what he was doing on Monday night.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Was he at home washing his hair? That takes quite a while.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53He doesn't need to be at home when that happens.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- He was huddled with an adviser. - Huddled!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Here she is...
0:05:58 > 0:06:01She's advising him, clearly.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05If you don't take your hands off me I'm going to punch you in the face.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07And, even though he is soon not to be prime minister,
0:06:07 > 0:06:13Berlusconi is going to be a busy man because he's facing three court cases. Do you know what for?
0:06:13 > 0:06:19- Corruption.- Yup.- Fraud and under-age sex with belly dancers.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24Certainly, it's sex with the under-age. He certainly wasn't under-aged.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26But he had immunity, didn't he? He passed a law
0:06:26 > 0:06:31saying that you can't prosecute the Prime Minister for anything,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35and then tried to stay in power forever, or until he died.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38In the past, he's only actually been tried for tax fraud,
0:06:38 > 0:06:43and embezzlement and attempting to bribe a member of the police's financial investigation team...
0:06:43 > 0:06:48and false accounting and illegally financing a political party...
0:06:48 > 0:06:50..and corrupting a judge.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Who among us hasn't done all that?!
0:06:55 > 0:06:59And how has the Italian public been reacting to all of this?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03You'd have thought with some embarrassment since they voted for him so often.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I think "unpredictably" would be the word. Let's have a look at this.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Keep an eye on the man behind the Government spokesman.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13The opposition didn't vote. We voted in favour and it was approved.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Will he still be Prime Minister by next week?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18That is hard to tell.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22You see, if life was predictable it would be very boring.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Yes, democracy in action there! Shall we have a look at some memorable Berlusconi quotes?
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Yeah, go on. >
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- I'll give you the first half and you try and finish them off.- OK.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37As Berlusconi said to the actress!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Discovered that mine is a lesbian.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51LAUGHTER
0:07:51 > 0:07:53That's what he said.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Absolutely!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:59 > 0:08:00His next one:
0:08:05 > 0:08:07..most persecuted.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09That's absolutely right.
0:08:09 > 0:08:14You'd think in a Catholic country like Italy, he might have thought of one other example.
0:08:14 > 0:08:20- He went on to that, didn't he? He said, "I am the Jesus Christ of politics."- Really?
0:08:20 > 0:08:25When I was elected, all the other European leaders said, "Jesus Christ!"
0:08:25 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Here's one from September:
0:08:38 > 0:08:41So, if you'd like to excuse me, I'm just off.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Apparently, if you stick that on your manifesto you get elected.
0:08:50 > 0:08:55What has Angela Merkel decided to do this week to cheer Germans up?
0:08:55 > 0:09:01I've got a got a whole load of things going through my head but...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- She's given them a tax cut worth £5 billion.- Cor!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06How can she afford to do that?
0:09:06 > 0:09:11- Because they're not bankrupt, unlike everyone else.- Yes, basically.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13The German government has discovered
0:09:13 > 0:09:16it will get £14 billion more in tax this year
0:09:16 > 0:09:20than it expected and unemployment is at its lowest for 20 years.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Which is great news! Good for them!
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Lucky, lucky old Germans!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Couldn't have happened to a nicer country(!)
0:09:32 > 0:09:39While Germany is having a nice time, Greece is still struggling of course.
0:09:39 > 0:09:45Jeremy Paxman upset the Greeks on Newsnight this week. Did anyone see this?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48It was a bit aggressive even by Paxo standards.
0:09:48 > 0:09:54- He'd obviously had a dodgy kebab on the way in...- Yeah, it had been preying on his mind.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- ..and he really went for the bloke. - Here he is talking to a Greek man.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- It isn't the fault of the rest of the European Union.- I'm not saying that.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06It is the fault of the Greeks. Why is it that Greeks are so dishonest?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09AUDIENCE GROANS
0:10:09 > 0:10:14The paradox there is if they're really dishonest, he's not going to get an honest answer, is he?
0:10:14 > 0:10:19And which other federation has been bossing its member states around this week?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23FIFA. Basically, it's about whether the England team would be allowed to wear
0:10:23 > 0:10:26the poppy in their friendly against Spain on Saturday.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- They've decided that they can wear them on armbands.- It was going to be a big problem,
0:10:30 > 0:10:31FIFA saying, "No, you can't do it."
0:10:31 > 0:10:37But then, traditionally, we solve the problem by giving FIFA a huge bung.
0:10:37 > 0:10:43So, now we are allowed to wear poppies, which is great. It's a good solution.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45The lawyer's not going to put that in!
0:10:48 > 0:10:52The lawyer has a cup of tea round about now. He nips to the machine so you should be all right.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56James Murdoch's a liar. There you are, I got that in!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59APPLAUSE
0:10:59 > 0:11:03I'm going to stick up for FIFA now. On this particular story,
0:11:03 > 0:11:08I think FIFA were right. Because, although to us,
0:11:08 > 0:11:12it's just a symbol of remembrance, I think to the outside world,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16it probably does look like a political symbol,
0:11:16 > 0:11:20and their rules are that teams don't wear political symbols.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24It's the thin end of the wedge, isn't it? FIFA's argument
0:11:24 > 0:11:30was if England were allowed to wear poppies, the Iranian team would be allowed to wear a bomb...
0:11:32 > 0:11:37..as a symbol of assertive nationalism. And why not? Um...
0:11:37 > 0:11:42Do you mean an actual bomb, Ian, or a graphic with "bomb" written on it?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46I don't know how far their technology has advanced.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Play havoc with the offside law, wouldn't it?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I don't understand why... I mean, you wear poppies on a coat.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Why wear them when you're playing football?
0:11:55 > 0:11:59I don't think all activities, you have to wear a poppy.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03I got an abusive letter for not wearing one last week on this show.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07I thought, "I'm wearing it all week, I'll wear it to church on Sunday.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- "I don't have to wear it 24 hours a day, do I?"- Do you not wear it in the bath?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I... I think that's quite disrespectful.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20- You're right.- How long are you meant to wear it for? When I was at school,
0:12:20 > 0:12:25it was the Sunday, or the day. What are the timeframes you wear it for?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28It used to to be the week running up to the Friday, and Remembrance Sunday,
0:12:28 > 0:12:34and then take it off afterwards, but according to some commentators, you should wear it ALL YEAR!
0:12:34 > 0:12:39I was watching ITV News the other night and the weather forecast lady
0:12:39 > 0:12:44- had a poppy the size of a dustbin lid.- She cares more than other people!
0:12:44 > 0:12:49Personally, I think it's disrespectful they don't play dressed as poppies.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54Meanwhile, Obama and Sarkozy were caught out this week.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57They were overheard. The two of them were having a chat
0:12:57 > 0:13:01near a microphone that happened to be an open mic...
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- It was terrific.- It was good. - In a way,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07it was lucky they were only talking about Netanyahu,
0:13:07 > 0:13:12not something important. It could easily have been, "When are we bombing Iran?" "Next Tuesday."
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Yes, Sarkozy said...
0:13:21 > 0:13:26It sounds like a conversation between a wife and a mistress.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34Are you suggesting that Sarkozy, Obama and Netanyahu are in a love triangle?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39As well as apparently being a liar, according to Sarkozy,
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Netanyahu is also about to launch an attack on Iran, people are saying.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48If you want to cheer up from the Euro crisis, on page six, nuclear war!
0:13:48 > 0:13:54At which depressing point, let's calm ourselves down with restful footage of a health and safety man
0:13:54 > 0:13:56demonstrating how to use a ladder safely.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10ON TAPE: We don't have to do that, do we?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21That's the funniest thing ever!
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Yes. I mean, he's dead now. But... - LAUGHTER
0:14:27 > 0:14:30But yes, he went in a funny way.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34This is Silvio Berlusconi, who has agreed to stand down,
0:14:34 > 0:14:40- but not immediately, as arrangements have to be made first. - What? On the ladder?!
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Berlusconi would NOT have been embarrassed to be on that ladder.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47He'd have done it every day for a fortnight to prove it was deliberate.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Straight back on his feet! See?!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54"I was just trying to climb into a schoolgirl's bedroom."
0:14:55 > 0:14:58APPLAUSE
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Italy's current debt stands at 1.9 trillion euros.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Still, could be worse. Could be in lire.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Also, this week, Greece has a new Prime Minister.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18It's taken several days to name him, but that's Greek names for you.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Ian and Roisin, take a look at this.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25That's Theresa May, talking about border controls.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29"Shall we let this one in?" NO!
0:15:29 > 0:15:35Keep him out, he's very dangerous. People from the 1950s. They're being allowed into Britain again.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40This is a bit of a row, about our borders.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Sounds like you're the headmaster of a public school.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Now, some of the boarders have been drinking
0:15:48 > 0:15:52at lights out, and I think some of the day boys have brought it in.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56We should never have had day boys at all.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Exploring your hinterland?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03You dirty devil!
0:16:03 > 0:16:07I could go on for hours. There's a problem. She relaxed the border controls.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10She didn't do it - they were relaxed. Lots of people came in,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12totally unchecked, which is amazing,
0:16:12 > 0:16:18cos if you've stood in that passport queue, you've thought, "It cannot go any slower,"
0:16:18 > 0:16:23but apparently, they tried to speed it up. No terrorist checks, no criminal checks, nothing.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Obviously, this is embarrassing. She blamed her civil servant,
0:16:27 > 0:16:31the man running the Borders Agency, he said, "It's not my fault,
0:16:31 > 0:16:35"and I'll take you to an industrial tribunal," and at the moment,
0:16:35 > 0:16:41- she's still got a job.- They paid £5.6bn for these biometric passports
0:16:41 > 0:16:46that photograph your eyes and smell your bones and stuff.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50They invented all this technology to stop terrorism - billions of pounds,
0:16:50 > 0:16:54and what brought it down was, "There's a queue? Oh, let 'em in."
0:16:54 > 0:17:00The terrorist queue at Heathrow, a few months ago, hundreds of people,
0:17:00 > 0:17:05- you'd have to wave them through or they'd still be there now.- I always presumed, when you see the queues,
0:17:05 > 0:17:10at Immigration, that that was part of the Citizenship Test.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- Yeah.- Can you queue casually... - ..for hours?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Are you cut out for life in Britain?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Do you know how the Daily Mail encapsulated the story?
0:17:22 > 0:17:27- "How many killers are loose on our streets?"- They went with...
0:17:34 > 0:17:39So, no, we'll never know how many dangerous terrorists got in that we don't know about,
0:17:39 > 0:17:44or how many asteroids we didn't see narrowly miss the Earth, or how many paedos ever bought a Kinder egg.
0:17:46 > 0:17:52There was a headline when Brodie Whatsisface complained...
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- I don't think he's called Brodie Whatsisface.- No, I know... - An amusing name
0:17:56 > 0:17:59for a man in charge of passports!
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Brodie Clark is his name, and he emphatically denies he was bothered
0:18:06 > 0:18:09about cutting times at Passport Control. He said...
0:18:12 > 0:18:17This summer regularly saw queues of three hours and more at Heathrow.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Yes, well done, Brodie.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22And why is none of this a big deal?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25She won't resign, as far as we know,
0:18:25 > 0:18:29and his tribunal we haven't heard yet, so we don't know what's happening.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33The other reason this is arguably not a big deal is that in general,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36terrorists don't try and just wander past Passport Control,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39and we have plenty of terrorists of our own.
0:18:39 > 0:18:417/7 - British terrorists.
0:18:41 > 0:18:47IRA - British terrorists. I mean, they might not see themselves as British, but...
0:18:49 > 0:18:52There's a great reluctance amongst wishy-washy liberals
0:18:52 > 0:18:56particularly at the BBC, to discuss something. Do you know what it is?
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- I don't think we should talk about it.- As a wishy-washy liberal,
0:19:00 > 0:19:06- I'm extremely reluctant to talk about it.- Immigration.- How DARE you talk about it! You...are a racist.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I know.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Yes, it is immigration. In one week, 100,000 people have signed,
0:19:13 > 0:19:19or rather, clicked a button on Migration Watch's online petition to restore immigration controls,
0:19:19 > 0:19:24- which means it could be debated in Parliament.- Is this part of the same story that said 8 out of 10 people
0:19:24 > 0:19:28think that Britain is crowded? Is that the same survey?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I read that and thought, "I bet that's the shorter ones."
0:19:30 > 0:19:36Seriously, if you're shorter, you can't see over the top, it does feel crowded.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42If you just ask the shorter people, Britain's an overcrowded nightmare,
0:19:42 > 0:19:46but if you're taller, you can see a bit of space over there.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Is that the kind of political insight you were looking for?
0:19:52 > 0:19:57- Do you think, then, that shortness in stature leads to prejudice?- Yes.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Right. What's the really bad news for Theresa May?
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Um, has she discovered her husband's a robot?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- She's been in a loveless marriage for 40 years?- No.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12If you had access to the controls, it wouldn't be a bad thing.
0:20:12 > 0:20:19You could get rid of some of the faults. "40 years I put up with that, and it was just a button."
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- Even worse than finding out her husband's a robot... - Worse than that?!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27..according to a Downing Street spokesman...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Staying with laxity and sloppiness,
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- what's been found in Acapulco's main prison in Mexico this week?- Oh, yes!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I think it was 16 prostitutes,
0:20:39 > 0:20:45a sack of marijuana, several bottles of vodka,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49100 chickens, I think...
0:20:49 > 0:20:51and a couple of pet pheasants.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- You're incredibly close.- I know!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I had to smuggle it all in, one weekend!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59The 16 prostitutes were a nightmare.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03In the end, I had to disguise some of them as chickens.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07It was in fact 19 prostitutes. Three got in without your help.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11You can never trust them.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Can't be 100 of them - they don't get on, do they?
0:21:23 > 0:21:28- 100 of them together? - Must have had 100 boxes, that's the only way you could do it.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Like Deal Or No Deal?
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Yeah.- What box has got a fighting cock in it?
0:21:33 > 0:21:40- There's a quiz show in that. - Apparently, one prisoner had spent nearly 20 years in the jail...
0:21:40 > 0:21:41He was only sentenced to five.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49This is the border control row threatening the position of the Home Secretary.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Rival politicians were queuing up to attack Theresa May.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56In the end, there were so many, she just waved some of them through. At one point,
0:21:56 > 0:22:03border staff let immigrants in without asking basic questions such as, "Do you have a cat?"
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Also this week, Chris Huhne's ex-wife revealed he'd told her
0:22:08 > 0:22:12their marriage was over at half-time in the World Cup game between Japan and Holland.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16The Sun ended the article by giving their readers the information that really mattered.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25..thereby taking the three points. Unlike Chris Huhne.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
0:22:28 > 0:22:32David Cameron is under fire over the lavish refurbishment of Downing St.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36The total cost has soared to £700,000.
0:22:36 > 0:22:42To be fair, the Camerons have paid some of it themselves. To be unfair, that's cos they're stinking rich.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Here's a bonus one for you.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Oh, yes, surveillance - the news that the Duke of Cambridge
0:22:51 > 0:22:56- and Gary Lineker amongst others have been tailed by private eyes... - Steve Davis has put on weight.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Looks like we're not going to be able to afford colour here any more.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Surveillance. News International. News Of The World.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10They spied on some lawyers, didn't they, who were representing some people who were...
0:23:10 > 0:23:14The worrying thing is that the News of the World, in trouble for hacking voicemails,
0:23:14 > 0:23:18decided that the way to counter that accusation was to put a private detective
0:23:18 > 0:23:23onto members of the Parliamentary Select Committee and the victims.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28So James Murdoch was in front of a committee and had to explain why he'd done that.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32And of course, he had no idea it was happening. Tom Watson,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35the Labour MP, just went for it,
0:23:35 > 0:23:39and said, "You're the Mafia, and you're the first Mafia leader
0:23:39 > 0:23:42"who didn't know he was running a criminal organisation."
0:23:42 > 0:23:47And this was in a Select Committee. Everyone going, "Oh, really, that's very poor taste, Tom. Ha-ha-ha!"
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Someone's lying. James Murdoch's evidence, saying,
0:23:51 > 0:23:58"I didn't know anything" is exactly denied by the lawyer of News Of The World, Tom Crone,
0:23:58 > 0:24:02the editor, Colin Myler, and one of the journalists, Neville Thurlbeck.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05They all say he did know, we did show him the relevant thing.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09He said they didn't. How can one possibly tell?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11It's their word against his.
0:24:11 > 0:24:18- Make your mind up.- It's not that much like the Mafia, because the Mafia can keep their shit together.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22This Derek Webb guy, he's quite like the Mafia.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26The only reason the private investigator came out
0:24:26 > 0:24:29was he said they didn't pay him "loyalty money". That's very Mafia.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Derek Webb's organisation was called Silent Shadow.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- Shadows mainly are silent, aren't they?- Noisy shadow!
0:24:38 > 0:24:44When the sun comes out, "Here we are again!" Shut up!
0:24:44 > 0:24:49That was a ridiculous list published of the people he was spying on.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54As fishing operations go, they were spying on John Motson.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00"How does he know so much about football?"
0:25:00 > 0:25:03"He must have records at home!"
0:25:03 > 0:25:09There's no public interest. John Motson is not going to be involved in a sex scandal. And even if he was,
0:25:09 > 0:25:14we don't want to know about it. It'd be Frank Bough all over again.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- I've never recovered from that.- No.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Me neither. The strange thing about Murdoch's evidence
0:25:20 > 0:25:28was it was all done in this very reasonable business speak, with words like "due process" and "proactivity",
0:25:28 > 0:25:33but when he's thinking, he makes this noise. He goes, "Aaaahhh..."
0:25:33 > 0:25:39After a while, I couldn't get out of my head the mental image of Zippy from Rainbow.
0:25:39 > 0:25:46- What was the thing he said about "mind"?- I think it was "it wasn't a priority", but he kept saying,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48"it wasn't top of mind".
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Which I've never heard. They asked him,
0:25:52 > 0:25:57given he believed there was only one rotten egg, the Royal Reporter,
0:25:57 > 0:26:01why, when they told him they had to pay compensation to Gordon Taylor,
0:26:01 > 0:26:07he didn't ask more questions, and that was where he said it wasn't "top of mind".
0:26:07 > 0:26:11So you're paying out £700,000 to someone you've never heard of,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14and you assume it's not a problem.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Very odd way for his brain to work,
0:26:16 > 0:26:21that only the thing "top of mind" can be addressed. He probably needed to go to the lavatory at that point.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25So whatever, it's not top of mind. Must pee...
0:26:25 > 0:26:31Then that goes away and he's forgotten all about the money, because lunch is "top of mind".
0:26:31 > 0:26:35- You know, it's totally understandable and he deserves our sympathy.- Indeed.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37But I don't know why you put him
0:26:37 > 0:26:40in charge of a large organisation - he's a moron.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41APPLAUSE
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Who else was followed by the News Of The World?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Ian.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- Ian wasn't followed. - I'd follow you, Ian.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50LAUGHTER
0:26:50 > 0:26:51That makes me feel a lot better.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Surely you must have been followed by some sort of private detective?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I was phone-tapped by a detective in the operation before this one.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Who paid for this?- Daily Express. - Well, that's a bit naff -
0:27:01 > 0:27:07followed by the Daily Express. Did they think you were involved in the death of Princess Diana?
0:27:07 > 0:27:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:11 > 0:27:14It is his ambition to be stalked by Country Life.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15True.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19They followed Daniel Radcliffe's parents, as well, which is weird.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22We know they've had sex or he wouldn't exist.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Maybe they are wizards.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Fingers crossed.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Well that's like... >
0:27:31 > 0:27:34That dates back to the very beginning of this story.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38That extraordinary thing where they were following that detective
0:27:38 > 0:27:41and the other presenter from Crimewatch
0:27:41 > 0:27:42because they told Rebekah Brooks,
0:27:42 > 0:27:46"Well, you know, we're pretty sure they're having sex, those two."
0:27:46 > 0:27:48And it turned out they were married.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51And I think the police >
0:27:51 > 0:27:56pointed this out to Rebekah Brooks at a rather embarrassing meeting.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00That's a very rigorous morality from The Sun, isn't it?
0:28:00 > 0:28:04- No sex AFTER marriage.- They must have gone, "Vindicated!
0:28:04 > 0:28:08"We knew there was something going on there!"
0:28:08 > 0:28:10So while the front page of The Sun
0:28:10 > 0:28:13was filled with the usual X Factor drivel,
0:28:13 > 0:28:17behind the scenes there was big news for Sun journalists this week. What was that?
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- One of them was arrested. - Yes. Up till now, only people
0:28:19 > 0:28:22who worked for the News Of The World have been arrested.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24What did James Murdoch say?
0:28:24 > 0:28:26- He apologised. - Oh, he knew about it(?)
0:28:26 > 0:28:30He just apologised that it had happened at all.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33And he said, "If this is true, then I'm going to close down The Sun."
0:28:33 > 0:28:37And then outside the church bells were ringing,
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- pensioners dancing in the street. - # Ding-dong the witch is dead! #
0:28:40 > 0:28:43- Topless women weeping. - LAUGHTER
0:28:43 > 0:28:47Where will we go?
0:28:47 > 0:28:50What was the reaction in The Sun's newsroom to the arrest?
0:28:50 > 0:28:55- Did they organise a secret Santa? - To follow people around...
0:28:57 > 0:29:00..to climb down chimneys and take photographs.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Only effective during the Christmas period, a Santa Claus spy.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07In fact one of the Sun journalists told the Independent:
0:29:09 > 0:29:15That is a reference to 22-year-old Pandora from Essex who appeared in the paper the other day.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Others said:
0:29:19 > 0:29:20- Or "dusk"...
0:29:22 > 0:29:25- as it is commonly known. - Maybe they could relaunch it
0:29:25 > 0:29:31- as an evening paper?- The Daily Moon. - The Daily Moon?- Yeah.- I'd buy that - The Daily Moon.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35A big pair of buttocks on it.
0:29:36 > 0:29:40Yes, the News of the World may be dead, but its wretched ghost continues to haunt.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44The News of the World paid a private investigator to carry out
0:29:44 > 0:29:47surveillance on the lawyer Mark Lewis, which involved following:
0:29:52 > 0:29:56Well, if you are looking to intimidate someone, every little helps.
0:29:56 > 0:30:02Among the well-known people followed by the News Of The World, was former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05That's a tough pub crawl even for a hardened tabloid hack.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08And so to Round Two -
0:30:08 > 0:30:10The Strengthometer of News!
0:30:10 > 0:30:12- Yay!- Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17LAUGHTER
0:30:17 > 0:30:18BUZZ
0:30:18 > 0:30:23Er, this is an unfortunate by-product of malaria. No, this is, um...
0:30:23 > 0:30:28This is a man who's a champion pumpkin grower. About a year ago,
0:30:28 > 0:30:33he cheated by putting water into his pumpkin. They discovered it
0:30:33 > 0:30:36when they cut it open and a sea lion fell out.
0:30:36 > 0:30:41So this year he's entered the competition again and he's won this time, fair and square.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45That's right. This is champion pumpkin grower Barry Truss.
0:30:45 > 0:30:46Wow, look at the size of that.
0:30:46 > 0:30:53- And look at his pumpkin. - ANDY: That could be a walnut that's very close to the camera.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57The world of vegetable growing is very seedy though. Barry has form.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59- Oo-er.- What...
0:30:59 > 0:31:04I actually read that out without even knowing it was there.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06LAUGHTER
0:31:06 > 0:31:10Literally it wasn't top of mind. Um...
0:31:10 > 0:31:15- He has been accused of poisoning other people's pumpkins.- Really?
0:31:15 > 0:31:20His biggest rival, Pete Glaze, claims that Barry once put his foot through one pumpkin.
0:31:20 > 0:31:26Truss defended himself, saying that the potential prizewinner simply became too heavy and caved in.
0:31:26 > 0:31:27Glaze responded:
0:31:31 > 0:31:34That is amazing.
0:31:34 > 0:31:39How did Barry undermine his own defence against these accusations of poisoning
0:31:39 > 0:31:42- and kicking in other people's pumpkins?- He admitted it.- Yes.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46When asked how he always grows the biggest pumpkin, he said:
0:31:50 > 0:31:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:52 > 0:31:54- That's, um...- I tell you want.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58- This would make a great episode of Lewis.- Yeah, it would.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01Barry was pleased on his return to legitimate pumpkin growing:
0:32:10 > 0:32:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is amazing. That's awful. >
0:32:15 > 0:32:18And we're laughing at this man's tragedy.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21According to the Shropshire Star:
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Just what any charity wants -
0:32:25 > 0:32:29a massive rotting pumpkin too late for Halloween(!)
0:32:29 > 0:32:35I've entered a few vegetable competitions in my time but, to be honest, small potatoes.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Meanwhile,
0:32:37 > 0:32:41in trivial news, the body of a four-foot shark has been found in Aberystwyth.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45The shark was spotted on a double yellow line by a traffic warden.
0:32:46 > 0:32:51The dead-eyed, merciless predator almost gave it a ticket but then moved on.
0:32:52 > 0:32:57- INAUDIBLE - Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:33:01 > 0:33:06- BUZZ - These are the Russians who went to Mars. But they didn't go to Mars,
0:33:06 > 0:33:12they were in the middle of a hangar in a big metal box for - what was it? - 520 days,
0:33:12 > 0:33:17to replicate the time spent in getting to Mars and back. They came out mightily relieved.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Did as many come out as went in? >
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Four more came out than went in which they can't figure out.
0:33:22 > 0:33:27It was to see how they would psychologically cope with such a long journey in space.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31Exactly like going to Mars except you're in a car park in Russia.
0:33:31 > 0:33:32They weren't going anywhere.
0:33:32 > 0:33:37- They weren't weightless.- No.- So they were able to learn the guitar. They learnt Chinese.
0:33:37 > 0:33:42Basically they did 520 days and went, "We're fine. We can definitely go to Mars now."
0:33:42 > 0:33:47Just because they're able to stay in a shed. By that reckoning, everyone who's in Big Brother can go to Mars.
0:33:47 > 0:33:48And should.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53How realistic was this simulation? >
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Did they have asteroid storms? Did they chuck rocks at it?
0:33:55 > 0:33:57Had they painted planet Earth >
0:33:57 > 0:34:01and just, every now and then, walk it past the window?
0:34:01 > 0:34:05How did the mission simulate the walking around on Mars bit?
0:34:05 > 0:34:07They went into a sandpit, didn't they?
0:34:07 > 0:34:10Yes. They apparently simulated a landing:
0:34:13 > 0:34:16That's Doctor Who, isn't it?
0:34:16 > 0:34:20It wasn't all walking around sandpits though. What did Frenchman Romain Charles do to entertain them?
0:34:20 > 0:34:25- Played the guitar?- No. - Did he do mime?- No.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27- He juggled.- He did.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29- < Oh! Oh, my God! - According to the Guardian:
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Just as well it wasn't weightless, wasn't it? >
0:34:36 > 0:34:38That's going to be very...
0:34:44 > 0:34:48And are they being richly rewarded for their pioneering work?
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Amazon vouchers.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54- Are they not paid much? - They're getting... They are.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Poor Mr Wang!
0:35:07 > 0:35:08< Is he the juggler?
0:35:11 > 0:35:14And what were they handed as they emerged?
0:35:14 > 0:35:16- Sandwiches.- I imagine so.
0:35:16 > 0:35:20Soon after. But initially? According to The Sun they were:
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Except for Mr Wang.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27- Poor Mr Wang. - What did Mr Wang do? - I don't know.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Would he have been given a weed?
0:35:30 > 0:35:35These are the six cosmonauts or, to give them their correct term, car-park-onauts...
0:35:35 > 0:35:37who simulated a mission to Mars. After 520 days,
0:35:37 > 0:35:43they emerged, still friends, apart from the one who kept asking, "Are we there yet?"
0:35:43 > 0:35:47The men whiled away the 520 days with various activities including:
0:35:55 > 0:35:59So if you're watching, Michael Jackson's doctor, plenty to do!
0:35:59 > 0:36:04Meanwhile, the White House this week categorically denied the existence of aliens.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05An official statement said:
0:36:14 > 0:36:19Well, I'm sure conspiracy theorists would agree that finally draws a line under that(!)
0:36:19 > 0:36:23Time for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication,
0:36:23 > 0:36:26The BarCode News.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28If you're wondering how much it costs -
0:36:28 > 0:36:30BEEP! - £1.99.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32And we start with:
0:36:35 > 0:36:37< Not as nice as they sound.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40Are a triumph for Heston Blumenthal.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43The answer is:
0:36:45 > 0:36:46This is Wendy Werkit
0:36:46 > 0:36:50of Nashville, who's been selling lollipops licked by children with chicken pox
0:36:50 > 0:36:53to parents who want their children to contract the virus at an early age.
0:36:53 > 0:36:58- In the old days when I was little, if a kid down the road...- This is before horses.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00- BOTH:- Yeah. - If a kid down the road
0:37:00 > 0:37:05got German measles, you know, all the kids in the street were gathered up and you had a German measles party.
0:37:05 > 0:37:10You hung out with the kid, got German measles and got it over and done with. They stopped that practice
0:37:10 > 0:37:15because the health and safety people say that passing on infectious diseases isn't good. Um...
0:37:15 > 0:37:17- They've ruined leprosy! - Yeah. >
0:37:17 > 0:37:21- It's true! Those leprosy sleepovers were the best things.- Exactly.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24Next. What:
0:37:27 > 0:37:28< Orgy.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32Utter indifference. >
0:37:33 > 0:37:35The answer is:
0:37:39 > 0:37:42According to BarCode News:
0:37:45 > 0:37:48It was another 20 years before they invented the bell
0:37:48 > 0:37:51and flashing lights to call Kevin over to go and check the price.
0:37:51 > 0:37:52Next.
0:37:54 > 0:37:59ANDY: I'm eating roadkill as part of a calorie-controlled diet.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03ROISIN: Oh, I know this. This is the guy, the veggie...
0:38:03 > 0:38:05He's a veggie but he'll eat roadkill.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08- Am I right?- No.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10It makes sense though.
0:38:10 > 0:38:14- What if you run it over though? - Yes, that's all right. That's not your fault.
0:38:14 > 0:38:15That's a grey area.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Is it I'm eating roadkill quiche?
0:38:18 > 0:38:21The answer is:
0:38:23 > 0:38:27Mother-to-be, Alison Brierley, who gets cravings for eating roadkill.
0:38:27 > 0:38:32To be fair, roadkill isn't the worst thing you could eat on the side of the road. There's also Little Chef.
0:38:34 > 0:38:35Next. What:
0:38:38 > 0:38:41They've got tiny little legs.
0:38:43 > 0:38:44ANDY: Their stripiness.
0:38:44 > 0:38:45The answer is:
0:38:47 > 0:38:51To be honest, it doesn't bother me that prices aren't included in barcodes
0:38:51 > 0:38:55because, over the years, I've come to know the price of every single ready meal for one.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:38:57 > 0:38:58LAUGHTER
0:38:58 > 0:38:59Shall we start a collection?
0:38:59 > 0:39:01Yeah.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03The pity's worse!
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Next:
0:39:08 > 0:39:11Give me Phil Collins' phone number. It's a list of strange requests
0:39:11 > 0:39:15that people phone up. They say, "Can you phone up about the wind,"
0:39:15 > 0:39:19- or something.- I thought it was David ringing up to ask if you knew any friends.
0:39:20 > 0:39:24Yeah, I've been reduced to phoning up random members of the diplomatic service(!)
0:39:24 > 0:39:28- That's what they're there for. - I'm still working my way through
0:39:28 > 0:39:30the Department of State for the Environment.
0:39:30 > 0:39:36- Give a ring to Agriculture. They're good fun.- Yes, the answer is:
0:39:38 > 0:39:39This is one of the odd requests
0:39:39 > 0:39:44made to British consular staff abroad. For younger viewers who don't know who Phil Collins is,
0:39:44 > 0:39:45you lucky buggers.
0:39:47 > 0:39:48Next.
0:39:51 > 0:39:52Don't dump me.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54ROISIN: I'm a robot.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59ANDY: I think he said... He made the mistake of saying, "It's me or Westlife", "so I dumped him".
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Yes, you're right it's:
0:40:02 > 0:40:04Westlife fan Jane Holmes
0:40:04 > 0:40:08has been to 60 of their concerts and says she screams whenever she sees them.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10I'm sure the feeling's mutual.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12And finally:
0:40:14 > 0:40:15ROISIN: With your eyes.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Is it for dogs? Is it a BARK code?
0:40:19 > 0:40:20Ooh!
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Deserved more.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25I think he got what he deserved.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28I'm going for the meal for one sympathy.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30You are absolutely right.
0:40:30 > 0:40:31It's BARK code.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33- Yes!- Yay!
0:40:36 > 0:40:42This is the company that produces the BarkCode - barcodes for pets that enable them to be traced.
0:40:42 > 0:40:46The company involved donate a proportion of its profits towards:
0:40:48 > 0:40:53Much to the annoyance of all those kill-pet charities who always stop you for money in the streets.
0:40:53 > 0:40:54So...
0:40:54 > 0:40:55the final scores are -
0:40:55 > 0:40:57Ian and Roisin
0:40:57 > 0:41:00have 4 points but Paul and Andy are the runaway winners with 9.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02APPLAUSE
0:41:06 > 0:41:08And I leave you with news that at the G20,
0:41:08 > 0:41:11not everyone is aware that Argentina's President,
0:41:11 > 0:41:14Cristina Fernandez is a karate-loving feminist.
0:41:18 > 0:41:22During a break at the G20s, Silvio Berlusconi's lunch order arrives.
0:41:25 > 0:41:29And taking to the stage at the O2, Lady Gaga unveils her new costume.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34Good night.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37APPLAUSE
0:41:58 > 0:42:01Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk