0:00:02 > 0:00:06Can you turn your mobiles off? It's really embarrassing when they...
0:00:06 > 0:00:09go off during the run. Very unprofessional.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12This won't go off.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Oh, God.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Can I help? I do a similar thing for my mother sometimes.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23This programme contains strong language
0:00:45 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Dan Stevens.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04In the news this week - at a meeting of the world's top economists,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07the conclusion is that the only way out of the global financial crisis
0:01:07 > 0:01:09is to make the younger generation pay for it.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19At the White House, life comes full circle
0:01:19 > 0:01:22as a male intern sends a photo via his mobile.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Wow! LAUGHTER
0:01:31 > 0:01:34And on the set of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37One jungle dweller sees the size of Ant and Dec's paycheck.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48With Ian is a performer who in 2003 was nominated for Best Newcomer
0:01:48 > 0:01:53at the Edinburgh Fringe alongside some bloke called Michael McIntyre.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Where's MacIntyre tonight though, hey? What's that?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00He's at the Liverpool Arena playing to 11,000 people
0:02:00 > 0:02:04as part of a sell-out national tour? Anyway, please welcome Miles Jupp.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:13With Paul is a stand-up comedian
0:02:13 > 0:02:16who was once described by The Times as Hobbit-like.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I'm hoping that is because she is short and lovable
0:02:19 > 0:02:22and not because she's got massive hairy feet.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Please welcome Susan Calman. - APPLAUSE
0:02:29 > 0:02:32And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Paul and Susan, take a look at this.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Yes, this is the News International story, the phone hacking,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39the Hugh Grant, there's the editor
0:02:39 > 0:02:41of the News of the World doing some research.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45That's my twin sister. Yeah.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- That's me. Clearly. - That is somebody from 1892
0:02:49 > 0:02:53and Steve Coogan who was giving evidence as well.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56This is the Leveson Inquiry, Lord Leveson is looking into this.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00There were some grim stories about non-celebrities
0:03:00 > 0:03:04and some other stories as well. The stuff keeps cascading out.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Yes, it was celebrities first, then the really grim stories,
0:03:08 > 0:03:12and then Lord Leveson will come to the defence of the press,
0:03:12 > 0:03:16which obviously it's not a great week to try and mount one.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19But eventually I hope he gets round to the point that
0:03:19 > 0:03:22we have only got an inquiry because a journalist
0:03:22 > 0:03:27actually discovered this story. No MPs, not a policeman, not a judge,
0:03:27 > 0:03:31it was a journalist who uncovered it. I'm hoping we won't throw out
0:03:31 > 0:03:34the entire baby with the bath water.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36What do you think the solution could be?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39If you start regulating the press, then you have difficulties.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42As you say you never would have found out about MPs' allowances.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45There are endless solutions to this. The basic one is that
0:03:45 > 0:03:49we have laws and nobody obeyed them.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52And at the end of however many years it is, Lord Leveson will say,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55"I think journalists should probably obey the laws."
0:03:55 > 0:03:58All these activities are illegal and it would help
0:03:58 > 0:04:00if the police enforced them.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04It probably would help if they weren't working for the News of the World.
0:04:04 > 0:04:09So there is a problem there. If the politicians' leaders are saying
0:04:09 > 0:04:11it is really important to us to suck up to Rupert Murdoch
0:04:11 > 0:04:15because, otherwise, his papers won't say "Vote Conservative"
0:04:15 > 0:04:19or "Vote Blair" or "Vote Brown," you don't have a great incentive.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22I should just go and give my evidence direct!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24APPLAUSE
0:04:27 > 0:04:33I gather Lord Leveson is going to call the most important witnesses next who are members of the public.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36A number of them apparently bought the News of the World
0:04:36 > 0:04:41at some stage in the last 20 years.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I hope he's going to ask them why.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I mean, when you look at the history of public hanging,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49it only stopped because it was so popular, they couldn't
0:04:49 > 0:04:51handle the crowds, not because there was revulsion
0:04:51 > 0:04:54amongst the public - we don't want to see people being hung.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I remember being in a rough pub in Streatham about 25 years ago
0:04:58 > 0:05:00and a fight broke out between two guys and it was exciting -
0:05:00 > 0:05:04one was hitting the other guy - but I didn't demand a fight every time
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I went into the pub just because it was exciting that time.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10But that analogy would be that you go to the pub
0:05:10 > 0:05:13and it says, "Fight Tonight Inside, 25p" and then you would go every Sunday.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17They wouldn't do that in a pub because you are not allowed to do that.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- Are you not?- No, you are not allowed to advertise fights in pubs.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24To be fair, if you go to Glasgow, they do advertise a fight.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29- It is like happy hour there, isn't it?- Just before the bingo,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32we have a wee bit of a cagefight and then everyone has a Babysham
0:05:32 > 0:05:37and settles down. It is lovely. You should come up some time, they'd love you.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45- I went to Govan once.- Did you? - I was trying to make a documentary.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I got out of the car, into the street and a bloke came straight up
0:05:48 > 0:05:50and said, "You're out of your depth here, pal!"
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Yes, Hugh Grant was indeed appearing this week.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03He was surprised by the strength of the questioning from the counsel
0:06:03 > 0:06:06to the inquiry. Does anybody know what Hugh had to say to him?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08It was along the lines of,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"You spoke to me earlier and promised me a few straight deliveries,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- "but you're delivering nothing but googlies."- He said...
0:06:21 > 0:06:25That would be an invasion of privacy on a pretty massive scale.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Does anybody know what else we learnt from Hugh this week?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32His middle name is Mungo.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- Is it?- Yeah. Well, the world learnt that, I already knew it,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I'm obsessed with him.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Is it the hair that does it? - It is everything.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45I really enjoy the work of our premier-like comic actor.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49In a way, this is about the global recession.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53More and more movie stars are doing television at the moment
0:06:53 > 0:06:55and this is his way of doing it, I suppose.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Do you think a lot of agents are ringing up Lord Leveson saying,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01"Can you get my boy on?"
0:07:01 > 0:07:04As a huge fan of Hugh you may know that the mother of his baby
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Tinglan Hong received a threatening message from a reporter
0:07:08 > 0:07:10after Hugh Grant's appearance on Question Time.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Do you know what they said to him?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16"If he doesn't be quiet, we are going to fund a sequel
0:07:16 > 0:07:18"to Have You Heard About The Morgans?"
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- You really are a fan!- Yes.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I think they said, "Tell Hugh Grant to shut the fuck up."
0:07:26 > 0:07:28That is exactly what they said.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Standards have slipped at the Telegraph, haven't they?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Whose good name has Hugh Grant dragged into this inquiry?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41He made the scurrilous assertion that the Daily Mail
0:07:41 > 0:07:45might have been involved in phone hacking,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47which they refute entirely, I understand.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50The Daily Mail utterly refute this.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54The Daily Mail does not want to be associated in any way with phone hacking.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56The last thing the Daily Mail wants
0:07:56 > 0:07:59is for its name to appear in the same headline
0:07:59 > 0:08:02as a phone hacking scandal.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07- OK.- Has that cleared that up?- Next week, Dirty Dan's Downton Scandal!
0:08:07 > 0:08:11While the inquiry into the press intrusion has been going on,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14what have certain idiots on Twitter been doing?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Using it.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20There was a particular person who attracted their attention.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- The woman on the left. - Indeed, the woman on the left -
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Carine Patry Hoskins, she's the junior counsel to the inquiry.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30She was apparently listening intently to Hugh Grant as he testified.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Why on earth would a lawyer want to do that in court?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36But you used to be a lawyer, didn't you?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38No, that's a misnomer.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42I tried a couple of court cases, but they found out after a while.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I'm sorry, you were talking...
0:08:44 > 0:08:47It was slightly distressing because the woman on the left,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50she went to Glasgow University as I did,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I made me feel quite unwell that the person who stayed in law
0:08:53 > 0:08:55had a greater televisual presence than I did.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Also we heard from Steve Coogan.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Did anybody hear any of the methods the News of the World used to get stories on him?
0:09:01 > 0:09:05They interviewed him, I gather. It is pretty underhand.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Yes, it all seemed quite above board.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Showbiz reporter and casual friend of Coogan's Raj Singh rang him up
0:09:11 > 0:09:14to tell him the News of the World had a kiss-and-tell story on him.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17If he confirmed some of the less salacious details,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20the paper would keep the more lurid details out of the paper.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- So then what happened?- They didn't.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- They put them all in. - According to Coogan...
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Thank God Andy Coulson never went on to hold a position of trust.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40How did Coogan describe the behaviour of the News of the World?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Disappointing.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Excellent. - He described it as...
0:09:50 > 0:09:53A-ha!
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Coogan claimed he had never entered a Faustian pact with the tabloids.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- What did he mean by that? - A pact with the devil.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07Just because he is a public figure doesn't mean he has no private life.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Indeed. Most tabloid reporters thought Faustian Pact
0:10:10 > 0:10:14was Manchester City's new striker.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Did anybody read anything about other cast members
0:10:17 > 0:10:20in the phone-hacking scandal this week?
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Rebekah Wade, the former editor of the News of the World and The Sun
0:10:24 > 0:10:26is having a baby.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30But it's through a surrogate and she's asked for privacy.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35That's correct. She's expecting a baby via a surrogate mother
0:10:35 > 0:10:36or as The Sun might have put it...
0:10:40 > 0:10:42APPLAUSE
0:10:45 > 0:10:47We're not the only country
0:10:47 > 0:10:50trying to impose higher standards in public life.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53What are they trying to do in Pakistan?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Going to censor the use of certain words in text messages.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59That's right. There is a committee that's drawn up a list
0:10:59 > 0:11:02of over a thousand offensive and sexual words to be banned.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Does anybody know any of them? A bonus point if you know the Urdu.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Just on bonus point for that? That seems pretty mean.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14We don't know. Give us the top thousand.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I can give you some of them.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Flogging the dolphin?! Never heard of that.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35This is the inquiry into newspaper standards. The Leveson Inquiry heard
0:11:35 > 0:11:39evidence that on a number of occasions, News of the World
0:11:39 > 0:11:42journalists went through Steve Coogan's bins. In fact they still do
0:11:42 > 0:11:45but nowadays they're scavenging for food.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48At the inquiry, Sheryl Gascoigne revealed the press had made
0:11:48 > 0:11:51inaccurate claims about the size of her divorce settlement,
0:11:51 > 0:11:55saying the coverage was "hurtful, inaccurate and untrue".
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Coincidentally, also the motto of the News of the World.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Ian and Miles, take a look at this.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03That's Ed Balls wiping away a tear.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07That is Eric Knowles and I can't remember the woman's name.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- That is the Health Secretary. - Is he on Antiques' Roadshow now?
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- A Northern Rock customer. There we are, that's...- Gaddafi.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Oh no, it isn't.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25- The big one is Ed Balls, he's got a human side.- Yes.- And he weeps.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28When he watches Ed Miliband in the House of Commons,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30he just cries.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- He weeps when he's watching Antiques' Roadshow.- Of course.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38When I read about it, it said the bit he found really extraordinary
0:12:38 > 0:12:41was when someone comes in and they found an heirloom
0:12:41 > 0:12:44that is worth a huge amount of money. Then he remembered he was
0:12:44 > 0:12:47meant to be a member of the Labour Party. And he said,
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"But they think - oh, it's worth more to me than all that money,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53"so I won't sell it." And that's what makes him cry.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58He also weeps at The Sound Of Music.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03- Again, it was interesting... - The film or just any musical?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07That would be an incredible handicap, wouldn't it?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11He weeps at the bit where the Baroness is brought back
0:13:11 > 0:13:14to the house by the Admiral, whatever he is,
0:13:14 > 0:13:18and the children perform the song. Why is that emotional?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20It is incredibly moving.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Maybe it is something in his childhood,
0:13:24 > 0:13:29- maybe it's a repressed memory. - Something in his youthful childhood?!
0:13:29 > 0:13:34He spent his gap-year nannying in Nazi-occupied...
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Apparently Nick Griffin also cries when he watches The Sound of Music,
0:13:40 > 0:13:42that is only because the Nazis lose at the end.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49We also found out that Ed's favourite song to sing at karaoke parties is?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To!
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- It is close.- Was it Russ Abbott's Atmosphere?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01It was...
0:14:05 > 0:14:08The other news in that montage?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Branson's taken over a failing bank.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Northern Rock was bankrupt and now Branson has taken it over.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Except not all of it. He's taken over the bit that's called
0:14:18 > 0:14:23a good bank and he's bought that but £21 billion of debt remains
0:14:23 > 0:14:26with the taxpayer. So a good bargain for us(!)
0:14:26 > 0:14:31And he got it £400 million cheaper than we paid for the good bit,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35so he is laughing, all the way to his bank.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Yes, according to the Times,
0:14:39 > 0:14:43the Government is accepting in part payment an "IOU" of £150 million.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Since when did the Government start accepting "IOUs"?!
0:14:46 > 0:14:50I might try it myself. I've had a decent year, but you know how it is!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Is Branson taking over the whole of Northern Rock?
0:14:56 > 0:15:01- You sort of answered this already. - No, I don't think he is.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06I reckon we are going to end up still owning £21 billion worth of debt.
0:15:06 > 0:15:12I am bloody livid about it, Dan. Try getting me off this topic!
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Before we go any further, shall we cheer ourselves up
0:15:20 > 0:15:23with a picture of Teresa May from the Telegraph on Wednesday?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Lovely! Fantastic!
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Anyone who can pull a face like that can't be all bad.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has been popping up everywhere this week.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35What's he been up to?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39There's a scheme of putting screens by hospital beds and you're ill,
0:15:39 > 0:15:44you're not happy and his face comes up on the screen.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49And I think he says, "Your custom is very important to us.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53"I'm sorry about the delay in your operation, or treatment..."
0:15:53 > 0:16:00- and then he plays Vivaldi. - And table tennis! Fantastic.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03He's done a video to be shown on screens above the beds in hospitals.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05The problem is it is on a three-minute loop
0:16:05 > 0:16:08and it is driving people bonkers.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11You can turn him off, does anybody know how?
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- If you pay, that is the thing. If you...- What?!
0:16:15 > 0:16:19It's the hospital entertainment system and you have to pay £5
0:16:19 > 0:16:25to get access to re-runs of Casualty, which is all they show.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28And if you don't pay the £5,
0:16:28 > 0:16:32then you get Andrew Lansley on a loop saying, "Hello, thanks for coming."
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Absolutely right. The Independent pointed out...
0:16:43 > 0:16:47As if they haven't suffered enough. They went on...
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Does anybody know what the message to patients says?
0:17:05 > 0:17:11Hurry up and die, there's a queue? I am from another planet.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16I have access to your life-support machine.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Has he got hypnotic eyes?- Yes.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26"There is not much wrong with you, you know."
0:17:26 > 0:17:30You could leave now! Get off the bed, jump out of the window!
0:17:30 > 0:17:35What scheme has Eric Pickles announced this week?
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Eat the unemployed?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Bring a quiche to work day?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47He's got the smallest features on a human face since time began.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Eric Pickles has announced a scheme to set up a curry college,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58to teach British chefs how to cook curry.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01It's an ambitious scheme but the Government's confident they can deliver,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03if you are within a three-mile radius.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11- Turning to the House of Lords finally.- Yeah, great! Get stuck in!
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- House of Lords, yeah!- How did the noble lady Baroness Trumpington
0:18:15 > 0:18:18distinguish herself in the chamber recently?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20She flicked a V sign.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21- She's 80 something, isn't she?- Yes.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26Lord King made a reference to her age during a speech and she responded by doing this...
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I think he said she's 84 and she said, "No, two."
0:18:38 > 0:18:41At the college, chefs will learn all the necessary skills
0:18:41 > 0:18:43from combining the perfect mix of spices to create
0:18:43 > 0:18:46a mouth-watering balti to chucking some unnecessary salad
0:18:46 > 0:18:49into a warm plastic bag.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52This was the Government selling of Northern Rock to Virgin Money.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55After selling Northern Rock at a loss of £400 million,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57George Osborne described it as...
0:18:57 > 0:19:01"The best possible deal," which raises two questions.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03What would constitute a worst deal?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06And, George, can I interest you in some magic beans?
0:19:06 > 0:19:10NHS patients have been complaining that hospital TVs
0:19:10 > 0:19:14are running a patronising message from Andrew Lansley on a continuous loop.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18This has led to some terrible mistakes with patients crying out,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20"I can't take it any more, just switch the machine off!"
0:19:20 > 0:19:23APPLAUSE
0:19:26 > 0:19:30And so to Round Two, the Cloche of News.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Carson the Butler will lift the cloche revealing an item or items
0:19:34 > 0:19:38relating to a news story of the week. Finger on buzzers.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44BUZZER Was this the film of the gentleman
0:19:44 > 0:19:48chasing his dog, Benton?
0:19:48 > 0:19:53A dog was chasing deer and he was just screaming, "Benton! Benton!"
0:19:53 > 0:19:56He's not come forward, but some youth was filming it
0:19:56 > 0:19:59on his mobile telephone device
0:19:59 > 0:20:01and it's got over one million hits on YouTube?
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- Is the right answer. - Is that the right answer?!
0:20:05 > 0:20:09APPLAUSE
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Shall we have a look at internet sensation Benton?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15If we don't, I will fight anybody who says we can't!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Benton! Benton!
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Benton! Benton! BENTON!
0:20:22 > 0:20:30BENTON! BENTON! BENTON!
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Oh Jesus Christ! BENTON! LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:40APPLAUSE
0:20:45 > 0:20:50- Following this, Benton went viral and he and...- Why?!
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- He and Jesus Christ...- Why would people think that's entertaining?
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Totally out of focus camera shot, deer in the background,
0:21:00 > 0:21:04some bloke shouting "Benton!" And millions have watched it?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05I'm in the wrong business.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Do we know what the latest controversy about Benton is?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- He's a glove puppet! - His real name is Fenton.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Is absolutely right.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18No!
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- How do you know this?- I only know this cos it appears in newspapers.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Does anybody know what the Sun's headline for the Benton story was?
0:21:28 > 0:21:33Humanity Reaches Bottom Of The Barrel?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38We are all doomed.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Would the last person to leave the planet tell Fenton?
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Human Beings Duped Into Watching Crap on New Invention.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52It was, "Calm down deer!"
0:21:52 > 0:21:54AUDIENCE GROAN
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- The Sun ended the report... - This just gets worse and worse!
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- Is there no piece of redeeming quality in this story, anywhere?- No!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04The Sun ended its report, saying:
0:22:06 > 0:22:09And the good news is they have tracked down Benton and his owner
0:22:09 > 0:22:12and the dog has been destroyed.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Only joking, animal lovers.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16That was the best bit!
0:22:17 > 0:22:23People are now selling t-shirts with the picture of Benton.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Are people buying them? - I have only bought three!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30So somebody was filming it, thinking,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33"I can't believe the stuff I'm getting here! This is magical!"
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I mean, why watch David Attenborough, when you've got THAT?!
0:22:36 > 0:22:41MIMICS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: "Fenton, is here, in Richmond Park.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44"The deer are over there,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46"the mobile phone man is there,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49"and the internet...is everywhere."
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Pete Wedderburn, the vet, helpfully explained that:
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Thanks very much, Pete(!)
0:23:04 > 0:23:08In other animal news, you'll be pleased to hear, Paul...
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Pigeon Takes Off From Roof!
0:23:13 > 0:23:15With no apparent motive.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18This is all that is going to be left of the press after this inquiry!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Animal stories!
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Can anyone tell me what Gavin, the world's most sarcastic gorilla,
0:23:25 > 0:23:26has been up to this week?
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Did he shove a banana up Barry Watson?
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Did he win a contest?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Who judged him the most sarcastic gorilla?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Were there hundreds of them turning up? Going, "Yeah(!)"
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Gavin lives in Jerusalem Zoo. According to the Metro:
0:24:05 > 0:24:08It's not all violence and sarcasm in the animal world.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Who has been showing a more artistic side, this week?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Oh, God!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- A spaniel has opened a watercolour exhibition.- Yes. Exactly.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21A dachshund has perfected an impression of Charles Dance.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24"How do you do?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26"Any dinner?"
0:24:27 > 0:24:31No. This artistic animal is Gary the Gerbil Ballerina.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Oh, don't say we're going to be looking
0:24:36 > 0:24:38at a picture of a gerbil wearing a tutu!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40We are!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Let's see Gary in action.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54He's not dancing!
0:24:56 > 0:24:57SUSAN: He's just hungry!
0:24:59 > 0:25:00The rest of the clip
0:25:00 > 0:25:03does get a bit distressing after that, though.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05We can't show you the end of it, but it goes,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08"Benton, Benton, Jesus Christ, Benton."
0:25:13 > 0:25:16This is Benton the dog who became an internet hit
0:25:16 > 0:25:19after chasing deer in Richmond Park.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21The next time Benton's owner visited the park,
0:25:21 > 0:25:23he took no chances, left the dog at home and went on his bike.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Now that was worth seeing!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41BELL
0:25:41 > 0:25:46This is the cheapest sandwich you can possible make,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48just bread with toast in the middle of it.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Is the right answer.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53This is the news that the toast sandwich has been declared
0:25:53 > 0:25:55the most economical meal possible
0:25:55 > 0:25:57in these austere times.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59How much does the toast sandwich cost to assemble?
0:25:59 > 0:26:028 pence. About 8 pence, or something like that.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04It may be by now, I have 7.5 pence.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10There's cutlery and stuff you need, presumably.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- You don't need anything. - You need a toaster!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Who can get a toaster for 7.5p?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17How would you go about making a toast sandwich, Miles?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19A toast sandwich? Uh, well, I would...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21bake some bread.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Uh, and then I would slice it,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28then I would... It's a bread sandwich, isn't it?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31So there's no toast involved?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Just three slices of bread in a pile.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39I wouldn't even turn the Dualit on.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Who exactly has been pushing this culinary delight?
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Sir Compton MacKenzie, author of Whisky Galore?
0:26:51 > 0:26:52- Uh, no...- No? Not him?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55According to the Mail the recipe has been unveiled by the:
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Also known as the Ministry of Yum.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02How confident is the Royal Society
0:27:02 > 0:27:04that they've found the most economical lunch?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Extremely confident. They're boasting about it.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09"We have found the most economical lunch", they say.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10They are:
0:27:14 > 0:27:17What we used to eat at school was a sugar sandwich.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Deprived youth(!)
0:27:19 > 0:27:22To be fair, the sugar did come from your own plantation.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- Delicious.- An open butter sandwich.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33That's just one... No toast. Toasting is too expensive.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37One piece of bread, with butter on it.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38It's an open bread sandwich.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41It's bread. Bread!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Flour.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44A spoonful of flour.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Put it in your mouth then just take some water out of the tap.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Rainwater is cheaper.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52The Guardian couldn't beat them on price
0:27:52 > 0:27:55but did suggest a far superior culinary experience of:
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Ah, the devils!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- When did the society... - The Brevilles!
0:28:04 > 0:28:05- Nice.- Very good.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09- I don't know. - Product placement, or something.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10- Is it?- I don't know.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12There are other toastie makers available.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15I've got a Dualit one. It's excellent.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19That's twice you've got them in.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22They make very good stuff.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Where did the Royal Society get this recipe from?
0:28:25 > 0:28:29An old austerity book. Er...How We Ate In The 1850s.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31It was from none other than the woman who gave us the:
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Mrs Beaton. In her recipe book she described the toast sandwich as:
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Toast fans will be pleased to hear
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Mrs Beaton had more in her toast range.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48She also came up with:
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Yes, it's a:
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Although Mrs Beaton did take pains to point out:
0:29:03 > 0:29:06In other health-related news,
0:29:06 > 0:29:10what has the NHS introduced to help battle the obesity epidemic?
0:29:10 > 0:29:14A tray that tells you when you've had enough to eat.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16- A talking plate?- Yeah.- It is.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19The plate costs £1,500. It's known as the Mandometer.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21Anybody know how it works?
0:29:21 > 0:29:24It tells you when you've eaten too much, eaten too quickly.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26"Slow down. Do not eat so fast.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28"Put down the potato.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30"You must not eat any more.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32"Have more cabbage.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34"Chew your food.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36"Don't eat plate."
0:29:36 > 0:29:39Stuff like that.
0:29:39 > 0:29:40More or less.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42"Have you seen the internet today?
0:29:44 > 0:29:48"Amateur video-cam footage on.
0:29:50 > 0:29:51"End of message."
0:29:54 > 0:29:58It's quite simple. The plate weighs the food and monitors the rate
0:29:58 > 0:29:59at which it disappears.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02A screen shows graphics of the food disappearing at a healthy speed
0:30:02 > 0:30:06and compares it with the fatso's actual rate.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09If you took the potato off and put it back again would it assume
0:30:09 > 0:30:12you were being sick? "Are you bulimic?"
0:30:12 > 0:30:14This is the austerity sandwich.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18Consisting of just three slices of bread the toast sandwich costs 7.5p,
0:30:18 > 0:30:21or, if you can't be bothered to make it yourself,
0:30:21 > 0:30:23Pret A Manger do a great one for £3.95.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29Ted Heath, Harry Belafonte,
0:30:29 > 0:30:32Larry the Downing Street cat, and this.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:30:46 > 0:30:48BELL
0:30:48 > 0:30:49Yes?
0:30:51 > 0:30:52LAUGHTER
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Getting desperate!
0:30:54 > 0:30:56That's the clip that wins us the BAFTA(!)
0:30:59 > 0:31:04Larry the cat has been thrown out of Downing Street for joining the BNP.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07I think I have had a tweet from the Downing Street cat
0:31:07 > 0:31:09which, again, will pile upon the fact
0:31:09 > 0:31:11that people think I'm an incredibly sad cat lady - and I am.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14I get tweets from other cats!
0:31:14 > 0:31:17I dress my cats up, in more than that bow tie.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19You have to make an effort.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22- How do you dress the cats up? - Well...!
0:31:22 > 0:31:25Well, it depends. We have themed days.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28If you cut the fingers off gloves
0:31:28 > 0:31:31they make leg warmers for Fame Day.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35And then, you've got to be careful if you make any trousers,
0:31:35 > 0:31:38cats don't have hips, so you have to make braces.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Otherwise they will slide off.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45There is nothing worse than a wee cat whose trousers are falling off!
0:31:47 > 0:31:51I wouldn't say nothing worse! It's up there, certainly.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54- Is it mice?- It is something to do with sleep.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58Larry the cat is meant to be in Downing Street
0:31:58 > 0:31:59to get mice.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01But he is asleep all the time.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04When Edward Heath was awake, was he always catching mice?
0:32:04 > 0:32:08I better tell you. They have all fallen asleep when they shouldn't,
0:32:08 > 0:32:12apart from Weightless which will almost certainly put you to sleep.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15Weightless, by Manchester group, Marconi Union,
0:32:15 > 0:32:17has recently beaten Coldplay and Enya
0:32:17 > 0:32:19to the title of world's most relaxing song.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22It is insufferably dull.
0:32:22 > 0:32:23Ted Heath dozed off
0:32:23 > 0:32:26whilst talking to the Queen at his 80th birthday bash.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28thrown by John and Norma Major.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31How did the Queen take this slight to her conversation skills?
0:32:31 > 0:32:34She drew a cock on his forehead!
0:32:40 > 0:32:42John Major said:
0:32:48 > 0:32:51Harry Belafonte appeared on an American chat show
0:32:51 > 0:32:53to discuss his new book.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57When they cut to the satellite feed, he appeared to be sleeping.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Still, far worse things can happen when you interview a veteran singer.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02The next day's guest was Cliff Richard,
0:33:02 > 0:33:05who stayed wide awake and spoke at length on a range of subjects!
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Larry the cat has been falling asleep
0:33:11 > 0:33:14during the day at Downton Street when he should be...
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Downton Street?!
0:33:16 > 0:33:17LAUGHTER
0:33:24 > 0:33:27There's a serious category confusion there!
0:33:27 > 0:33:29I know it is important, Dan,
0:33:29 > 0:33:33but it is not actually the centre of Government(!)
0:33:35 > 0:33:38You accidentally said Dualit Street!
0:33:38 > 0:33:41Oh, no(!) Beg your pardon!
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Larry has been falling asleep
0:33:43 > 0:33:47during the day at Downing Street when he should be catching rats,
0:33:47 > 0:33:49because he's been staying up all night
0:33:49 > 0:33:51with his new girlfriend, Maisie.
0:33:51 > 0:33:55Larry is now so lax at his job David Cameron was forced to take matters into his own hands this week.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57- What did he do?- He caught a rat?
0:33:57 > 0:34:01Did he pick it up with his bare hands and...
0:34:01 > 0:34:05Like Putin? That is how it works in Russia.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08Big pictures of Putin killing deer.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Over here, Cameron, "Oh it's a mouse!"
0:34:11 > 0:34:16Putin! Putin! Oh, Jesus Christ! Putin!
0:34:20 > 0:34:23According to the Telegraph:
0:34:29 > 0:34:32He missed, obviously.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35He said, "It wasn't a target, it was an aspiration!"
0:34:38 > 0:34:40According to the Mail on Sunday, he actually said:
0:34:50 > 0:34:53That is what the Queen said to Edward Heath?
0:34:58 > 0:35:01According to the Sun, Larry is too tired to catch mice
0:35:01 > 0:35:04after spending most of his time with another cat called Masie
0:35:04 > 0:35:07whose owner insists:
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Although Maisie has an official looking business card
0:35:09 > 0:35:13with "advisor to Larry" printed on it.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Time for the Missing Words round.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19This week it features as guest publication The Chap,
0:35:19 > 0:35:22a journal for the modern gentleman.
0:35:22 > 0:35:23We start with:
0:35:27 > 0:35:30MILES: One woman musical version of Titus Andronicus.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34Scarf and hotpants combo.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39Geordie accent.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42MILES: Chest wig.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48- It is tattoo just won't come off. - She had a henna tattoo.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51The Duchess of Cornwall had a temporary henna tattoo
0:35:51 > 0:35:53that she can't scrub off.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56According to the Daily Mail one suggested remedy is to:
0:35:56 > 0:35:59As if Charles' footman doesn't have enough to do!
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Next:
0:36:05 > 0:36:08MILES: Bomb-making equipment and a healthy disregard for the law.
0:36:08 > 0:36:13An even tempered approach to life and a winning eye for the ladies.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28They still talk in Croydon of that night
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Sir Anthony Hopkins lost his voice and I gave them my Widow Twankey.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39Says, "Yes I f...ing do!"
0:36:41 > 0:36:43Character work, Mr Hislop?
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Watch out, Dan!
0:36:46 > 0:36:50- He's auditioning! - The next series of Downton!
0:36:55 > 0:36:56This Heidi Withers,
0:36:56 > 0:36:58described by her future mother-in-law
0:36:58 > 0:37:01as "staggeringly uncouth" in an email that went viral,
0:37:01 > 0:37:04has got her own back by appearing in Country Life's famous:
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Zara Phillips, whose husband appeared
0:37:09 > 0:37:12in the 'Boys with dwarves' section.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Keith Vaz is Jazz!
0:37:18 > 0:37:21MILES: Secretly Welsh.
0:37:21 > 0:37:22Openly Welsh!
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Actually, that's not really a headline,
0:37:30 > 0:37:32just some graffiti on a van somebody kindly sent in.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Here it is.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42So if I send in pictures of me and the cats next week, that'll make it?
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Absolutely.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46Oh! We could do a Downton Abbey special!
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Yes!
0:37:48 > 0:37:51I don't know if I can make a wee wheelchair but I'll try my best!
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Tissue box, some wheels!
0:37:56 > 0:38:00Halfway through, the cat springs out of it!
0:38:00 > 0:38:02"I got a tingling in my whiskers!"
0:38:07 > 0:38:09The London Philharmonic Orchestra?
0:38:10 > 0:38:12A tiny cravat.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16It's not at all close.
0:38:16 > 0:38:17A big cravat.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20It is in fact:
0:38:22 > 0:38:25This is Chantel Faill, who had an accident
0:38:25 > 0:38:27with a pool cue, back in 1999,
0:38:27 > 0:38:29after the incident she went to casualty,
0:38:29 > 0:38:31but doctors just gave her two free shots.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41Next...
0:38:45 > 0:38:47"I wouldn't go in there for a bit."
0:38:51 > 0:38:54SUSAN: What people usually say when they come out of the toilet now
0:38:54 > 0:38:57is, "those Dyson airblades really are much better."
0:38:58 > 0:39:00I think they're very unsettling.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03- Do you? - But it's fantastic, the noise.
0:39:03 > 0:39:04"Wuuuuh!"
0:39:04 > 0:39:09No! It sort of makes the back of your hands look all scrotum-y!
0:39:11 > 0:39:13You're using the wrong kind of soap.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20This is David Beckham, who bumped into the star in a toilet in LA.
0:39:20 > 0:39:21To Beckham's further surprise
0:39:21 > 0:39:24Jack then went over to the condom machine and announced,
0:39:24 > 0:39:25"Heeeeere's Johnny!"
0:39:33 > 0:39:37- They are seven foot long.- Very close.- They go like that. "Pah!"
0:39:37 > 0:39:40Close. They are:
0:39:42 > 0:39:45This is from a celebration of facial hair in The Chap magazine.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Alf Garrald and his cheek hedgehogs.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50Anybody else think he might smoke to the right?
0:39:54 > 0:39:55And finally:
0:39:58 > 0:39:59Question Time.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Wife.
0:40:06 > 0:40:07It is in fact:
0:40:09 > 0:40:10And here is said tomato.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17The gardener could make some Hitler tomato ketchup
0:40:17 > 0:40:20and market it alongside Eva Braun sauce.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22AUDIENCE GROAN
0:40:22 > 0:40:25The final scores are: Ian and Miles have two,
0:40:25 > 0:40:27but Paul and Susan are the winners with five.
0:40:27 > 0:40:31APPLAUSE
0:40:33 > 0:40:37Before we go, there is time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Snowman melts and reveals hidden identity!
0:40:43 > 0:40:45MILES: Sarge, we just thought this would be quicker
0:40:45 > 0:40:48than turning the place upside-down!
0:40:52 > 0:40:54On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:54 > 0:40:57Ian Hislop and Miles Jupp, Paul Merton and Susan Calman.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00I leave you with news that at a sports meeting at Crystal Palace,
0:41:00 > 0:41:02organisers admit it was a mistake
0:41:02 > 0:41:06to hold the women's 800 metres at the same time as the shooting!
0:41:10 > 0:41:13After his eye operation is a complete success,
0:41:13 > 0:41:16the paparazzi catch Pudsey Bear celebrating with his nurse.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25And in Windsor, the Queen steadfastly refuses
0:41:25 > 0:41:28to fall a second time for Prince Philip's pull my finger routine.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Good night.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:48 > 0:41:51E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk