0:00:38 > 0:00:42Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kirsty Young.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46In the news this week, at the London Studios, minutes before recording the show,
0:00:46 > 0:00:51Justin Bieber meets the cast of Loose Women and has second thoughts.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00At the annual professional tennis players' dinner,
0:01:00 > 0:01:04one player finds out he has got to sit next to Andy Murray.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24And at Kensington Palace, the Queen vividly recreates the moment
0:01:24 > 0:01:27when the Archbishop of Canterbury tripped over a corgi.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39On Ian's team is an ex-Conservative MP who claims his ancestor
0:01:39 > 0:01:42was the last man in Britain to be beheaded for treason,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46and his father was the first man in England to play Monopoly.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Please take a large pinch of salt and welcome Gyles Brandreth.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Very true!
0:01:56 > 0:02:00On Paul's team is a comedian who recently revealed to the Telegraph
0:02:00 > 0:02:04that the thing that irritates him the most is people who aren't curious.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07There's probably a good reason for that but I can't be bothered to ask.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10APPLAUSE
0:02:13 > 0:02:15We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Ian and Gyles, take a look at this.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Ah! Autumn!
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- Oh, look!- Right, the strike.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- Education policy at its height. - The apostrophe is wrong.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- We have gone back in time to the '30s.- We're marching.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Two rather attractive men going somewhere interesting.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39You're not trying to get another job in the Tory party?
0:02:39 > 0:02:44No, though it is actually almost compulsory nowadays to be gay if you are a Conservative.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49It is no longer the party with its back against the wall.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56- It's erm... It got weird quicker then you said. - Yeah , it did, didn't it?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- You said it would get weird... - I said it definitely would.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02..but you reckoned by about half way through.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- We have barely started.- They are undeniably good-looking, aren't they?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Yes, no, Gyles, they're lovely. - I know your standards are quite high,
0:03:12 > 0:03:17- but I think they're very attractive. - Gyles, shall we focus?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I was focussing on the essentials.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I do assure you, in the fullness of time, what we will remember about these two guys
0:03:23 > 0:03:27is how good-looking they were. I don't think we'll remember much else.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Have you been paid by Osborne to say consistently that he's good-looking
0:03:32 > 0:03:36so that we all forget what a weasely little bastard he is?
0:03:36 > 0:03:41- No, we honestly know what's going on. This is the terrible strike of the week.- Yes.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Depending on which paper you read, it was a terrible strike or it was a non-event.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49In the Telegraph it was a non-event. According to The Guardian:
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Over 50 million people turned up.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57Obviously the strike aroused a lot of strong passions, as you say, on either side of the argument.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02There was time, however, for some gentlemanly behaviour. Here's an ITN reporter.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07She's doing a piece to camera, quite obviously having asked everyone behind her
0:04:07 > 0:04:10to agree to keep the noise down.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Tensions between the unions and Government have already been heightened
0:04:15 > 0:04:22following yesterday's decision by the Chancellor to cap public sector pay rises at 1%.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25That was described in the Mail as a vicious and violent uprising
0:04:25 > 0:04:30that ended in the death of eight police officers.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Here is another picture that just proves the point.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39MARCUS: These disgusting anarchists!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41IAN: That's a proper British strike, isn't it!
0:04:41 > 0:04:46Who has been less than polite about the strikers, we're being led to understand?
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I know that Jeremy Clarkson's had a few words to say about this.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54He said that he thought they should all be taken out and shot in front of their families.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58He did say some other things before that, but they weren't very much nicer.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01He was quite keen on the idea of the strikes
0:05:01 > 0:05:05because it meant he could drive faster through London.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09The BBC apologised after Jeremy Clarkson appeared on the One Show,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12this happened on Wednesday.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Just so you can form your own opinion, here's what he said in context.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- Do you think the strikes have been a good idea?- Fantastic.
0:05:20 > 0:05:25Absolutely. Never had... London today has just been empty.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Everybody stayed at home, you could whizz about, restaurants were empty.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31The traffic actually has been good.
0:05:31 > 0:05:37- We have to balance it though, don't we, because this is the BBC. - Exactly.- Yes, exactly.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Frankly, I'd have them all shot.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45How dare they go on strike?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48It's interesting to see Jeremy Clarkson in context,
0:05:48 > 0:05:54because otherwise he could've ended up on a sort of One Show naughty step in the corner, or in that attic
0:05:54 > 0:05:58where they've still got Carol Thatcher locked up.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- He was balancing it, saying there are two sides to every story. - It wasn't quite two sides.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05One is it's great, these strikes are wasting everyone's time,
0:06:05 > 0:06:09I can drive fast, and, on the other hand, I hate them as well.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Gyles, as you said, we saw the beautiful George Osborne there in the film.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14He gave his autumn statement this week.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18The Mirror took their usual thoughtful, measured approach.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31That's true though, isn't it? It sounds like a joke but he did go through that.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- Yes, he did. - Psychologically damaged.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37It's weeks like this that made me glad I am no longer in politics, because...
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Do you know, I think everyone feels the same!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:45 > 0:06:52The truth is, the one thing I could not stand about being an MP were my constituents.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57You may loathe members of Parliament,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00but it is as nothing as to how we feel about you.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04The other big headline to emerge this week
0:07:04 > 0:07:09was that it's going to take longer to pay off some of the country's debt than the Government thought.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11It's going to take seven years, rather than five.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16Shall we hear what Paul Johnson from the Institute of Fiscal Studies has to say about this.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20What the IFS have been pointing out for a while is five years of spending cuts
0:07:20 > 0:07:25is more than we have managed before. Seven years is even more.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Just to add to the gloom, I don't know if you've been watching Jeremy Paxman this week,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34but this was him signing off from Newsnight on Tuesday.
0:07:34 > 0:07:40That's all from Newsnight tonight and we'll be back to depress you again tomorrow night.
0:07:42 > 0:07:48One of the measures that Osborne announced was an increase in the tax on banks.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53- It's going to go up by how much, according to the Mail? - Point zero something, isn't it?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- 0.02% or something? - You're very close.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59The Mail headline said:
0:07:59 > 0:08:05Technically true. It went up from:
0:08:05 > 0:08:08It was a very depressed fellow from KPMG,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11a spokesman for the accountants, who said that:
0:08:16 > 0:08:20They will all move to Greece, presumably! Or Italy, or Spain,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23or any of the other burgeoning banking economies.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Why don't the public sector workers all threaten to leave?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31It seems to work well for the bankers. Anything happens, and they say "we'll go then".
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Just have all the nurses and teachers go, "Well we'll go as well." Everyone go.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39It would just be Jeremy Clarkson left going, "This is brilliant!"
0:08:44 > 0:08:49Meanwhile, back at Westminster, who's had their portrait unveiled?
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Oh! Speaker Bercow! It is sort of like a photo painting.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58It cost £22,000, and there he is blessing the children.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01The bloke on the right - did he get bored of painting him?
0:09:01 > 0:09:05He thought, I can't do the other side of his face. I just can't be bothered!
0:09:05 > 0:09:10Gyles, you're quite right. We did pay £22,000 for the painting. Do you know how much we paid for the frame?
0:09:10 > 0:09:16- 15 grand.- On top of that?- On top. - No, not on top, it's around. That's the whole idea.- Oh, I see.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20And the coat of arms was also designed and unveiled.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24- Do you know what was in it? - A ladder, some tennis balls...
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Sounds like a cupboard!
0:09:28 > 0:09:33- The ladder represents his journey from humble beginnings...- To being the Speaker of the House of Commons.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- It's not a modest statement, is it?- No, no.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I've got to the top of the ladder, you haven't.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43All are equal, is his view, except he's more equal than others.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46This is a busy week, which included public sector strikes
0:09:46 > 0:09:49and George Osborne's autumn statement.
0:09:49 > 0:09:55The Sunday Times pointed out that Unison boss Dave Prentis earns over £140,000 a year.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00Mind you, if he has to carry it home like that, I'd say he earns every penny.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02George Osborne delivered his autumn statement this week,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06according to the Office of Budget Responsibility's growth forecasts,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09the worst year for the economy will be 2012.
0:10:09 > 0:10:15Just as well we're not hosting any massively expensive sports extravaganza.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Responding to the Autumn Statement, one MP said...
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Some people love him, some people would rather see him in an accident on the M1.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Paul and Marcus, take a look at this.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34This is the Leveson inquiry going on. He looks like Rupert Murdoch.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39There's Charlotte Church, she's turned been talking about her dealings with the Murdoch press.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41That's a reporter who's been interviewed.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44That's Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49- If we lip read them, we can find out what's going on. And that is...- Alastair Campbell.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51..In front of what we call the Dav Fishwick Stand.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56So that's basically what it's about, isn't it?
0:10:56 > 0:11:01Charlotte Church, she was asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's marriage.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Do you want £100,000 or good coverage in the press? She said £100,000, because she was 13,
0:11:05 > 0:11:09and her adviser said to go for the good coverage in the press.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12She went for good coverage, they printed a good couple of stories about her
0:11:12 > 0:11:17and then approaching her 16th birthday, The Sun ran a countdown deadline to her 16th birthday
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- when it was legal to have sex with her.- That's nice, isn't it!
0:11:20 > 0:11:25I wonder how much Blair got paid for being godfather at the christening.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Is he Charlotte Church's godfather as well?- He is.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32He's the godfather of Murdoch's child, isn't he?
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- He gets about.- Yeah, he appeared at a baptism service on the banks of the Jordan.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40They thought they'd ask Dale Winton, and then Tony Blair turned up.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45- What does Blair charge for that sort of thing?- Baptism is 500 quid.- Oh, really?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Plus expenses.- Is it extra if he brings Cherie?- Always.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52She was meant to sing Pie Jesu. I think she did sing it in the end, didn't she?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Cherie Blair sang Pie Jesu?!
0:11:55 > 0:11:59I would have paid £100,000 for that!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02The other guy... Paul McMullen? Said the extraordinary thing,
0:12:02 > 0:12:07that only paedophiles need privacy, because if you're demanding privacy you must be up to something bad.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Every time he opens his mouth, I think, that's it,
0:12:10 > 0:12:14the free press is finished. There's nothing he's embarrassed about.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- Do you know what he said phone hacking was?- Honourable.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18He said...
0:12:21 > 0:12:26There have been examples where phones have been hacked and stories in the public interest came out.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Freedom of the press is immensely important in a democracy
0:12:30 > 0:12:34and it's very hard to imagine how we would manage to vote and stuff
0:12:34 > 0:12:38if we didn't know how soon we could BLEEP Charlotte Church.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Let's see some more of his gems to the committee. He said,
0:12:46 > 0:12:51"Phone hacking brings to light stories which people want to hide because no-one needs privacy."
0:12:59 > 0:13:02When it came to describing Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04he described them as...
0:13:07 > 0:13:09And...
0:13:10 > 0:13:13And when he was asked why, he said...
0:13:15 > 0:13:19He did insist that both Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson
0:13:19 > 0:13:21not only knew about phone hacking
0:13:21 > 0:13:23but that indeed they ordered it.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Brooks and Coulson, of course, deny this, as we know.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Of course, you're adding that for balance.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33The only lightning, of course, was thank goodness Alastair Campbell turned up.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Up to that point it was looking pretty dire for the press.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42But then Campbell said, the press, would you believe it, people leak stories and the press run them.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45This is from New Labour's spin doctor.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48It was good to see the pot calling the kettle unethical.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52He also suggested that the Daily Mirror's scoop
0:13:52 > 0:13:56on Cherie Blair's fourth baby was obtained through phone hacking.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00He would probably know, he used to work for the Mirror. He could ring up his old mates.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04- But Piers Morgan was editor then, so that can't be right, can it?- Oh, no!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09When's Piers Morgan being called to Leveson?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- He's having to give a statement. - Is he?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I think Mr Leveson is going over to appear on Piers' show.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Oh, nice.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17This is week two of the Leveson Inquiry.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Charlotte Church said she was surprised to be asked
0:14:21 > 0:14:24to sing Pie Jesu at Rupert Murdoch's wedding as...
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Though presumably it had been requested by an optimistic Wendi Deng.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34JK Rowling told the inquiry she was horrified
0:14:34 > 0:14:36when a journalist tried to contact her by...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42She knew it couldn't be from her daughter
0:14:42 > 0:14:44as it was badly written and full of spelling mistakes.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Given that we have been talking about miserable celebrities,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52let's see some celebrities having a jolly old time of it.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56# Consider yourself well in
0:14:56 > 0:15:00# Consider yourself part of the furniture
0:15:00 > 0:15:04# There isn't a lot to spare
0:15:04 > 0:15:06# Who cares?
0:15:06 > 0:15:10# Whatever we've got, we share
0:15:13 > 0:15:15# For after some consideration we can state
0:15:15 > 0:15:21# Consider yourself
0:15:21 > 0:15:23# One of us. #
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Wow! There we are!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31There goes the BBC's Christmas budget.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34There will be no programmes on Christmas Day,
0:15:34 > 0:15:38just that, on a loop, followed by an apology.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47For some reason, Paul and I weren't asked to be on that.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I couldn't make it.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Just me then!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- I'd have thought I was jolly enough. - Exactly.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- I'd have joined in the fun. - On top of the tree, you'd look lovely.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Gyles, how much did you get for renting them your jumpers?
0:16:01 > 0:16:02Exactly!
0:16:02 > 0:16:06For 20 years I was vilified for wearing that kind of knitwear,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08and now look, a job lot.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Worn by national treasures, that's how they define the people who are in that, you know.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15The national treasures are all there. And we are here.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Why did we watch that?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- It was to cheer us all up.- I see!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28And so, to round two.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- The Strengthometer of News. - Hurray!- Oh, yes!
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Is that the mallet of wisdom?
0:16:34 > 0:16:35I bloody well hope so!
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Go on then.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Here's the first one.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44BUZZER
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Well, this elaborately Photoshoped image...
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Hitler, I think, had a sister who lived in Liverpool before the First World War.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57The idea Hitler spent time in Liverpool is considered amusing.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00This is indeed it. Author Mike Unger
0:17:00 > 0:17:01has written the book...
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Which explores the theory that Hitler stayed in a flat in Toxteth
0:17:08 > 0:17:10with his married half-brother, Alois,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12from November 1912 to April of 1913.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16According to the Daily Mail, Alois sent money over
0:17:16 > 0:17:20so that his sister, Angela, could come and join him...
0:17:23 > 0:17:26The more you hear about him...
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- What kind of house guest...? - Was he vegetarian?
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Not voluntarily. He was a bit intolerant to meat. One of those.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36You know, you invite them and they're like,
0:17:36 > 0:17:40"Oh, I can't eat this and I can't eat that." You know, fussy bugger.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- AS HITLER: - These potatoes are cold.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Uncanny.- He's turned into a Dalek.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I love the idea that he was intolerant to meat.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53It wasn't his only intolerance.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57According to The Sun...
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Yes, particularly the way it just opened like that.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- Hitler was apparently...- You've got a load of Hitler gags. - Good, isn't it?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- I'll just get the joke book out. - HE BLOWS
0:18:12 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER
0:18:14 > 0:18:19Hitler was, apparently, a regular in his local pub where he never caused any trouble.
0:18:19 > 0:18:25On one occasion, he did down a pint rather quickly, but he was only obeying last orders.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Phwoo!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I liked it!
0:18:29 > 0:18:34- GERMAN ACCENT:- You are only following autocue, this is all right...
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- I vill ask ze questions, so be careful.- Yes, indeed.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- Fingers on buzzers, teams. - BUZZER
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Sorry! I just acted quickly, I heard the words of command!
0:18:47 > 0:18:51- LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:- That Hitler's a funny bloke? Have you seen him? Lives next door.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Nasty bit of work, that Hitler.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57He'll start a world war, watch my words.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I can't put this fag out.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Sorry.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06BUZZER
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- Right, Paul and Marcus.- There's a woman being inflated on the beach.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17That's the girl accused of being a Russian spy because she went out with a politician.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20They found that she wasn't a Russian spy, just a Russian!
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- You're quite right.- They thought she was a spy. She'd go into the Commons canteen and say...
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- RUSSIAN ACCENT:- "The sausages are cold for this time of year."
0:19:31 > 0:19:35"The seagull flies high above Krakow." It sounded like secret messages.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I think they thought she was a spy because
0:19:38 > 0:19:41she made a beeline for a member of the Liberal Democratic Party.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- Not very well informed then?- No.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47They thought, what other reason could there possibly be?
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Phoning the Kremlin going, "They're going to make corduroy compulsory."
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- This is Katia Zatuliveter who had... - You've practised that, haven't you?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- SHE REPLIES IN RUSSIAN - Yeah, that was very good.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- That's all my Russian.- Very good. Did you just learn her name? - No, I just said, "of course".
0:20:05 > 0:20:07That was "of course"? Blimey.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- Ooh! Very good. - APPLAUSE
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Hold on a minute. I just want to ring MI5!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:25We fell for the oldest trick in the book, inviting you on the show.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28This show's not going out, these are cardboard figures!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33That's not Gyles Brandreth, that's a puppet.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36From the Muppet Show!
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Wish it was.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44Anyway. This woman had an affair with the Lib Dem MP Mike Hancock.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Not just him, though. She had a thing for older men with not much power.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- Marcus...- Oh, Gyles!- Yeah, exactly!
0:20:54 > 0:20:58I never met her. I would have been drawn to her because, looking at the picture,
0:20:58 > 0:21:03she looks a little bit like Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher as a girl...
0:21:03 > 0:21:06on holiday.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:09When you say you're drawn to her,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12it's important you know those two men aren't part of the package!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17She's been cleared by an immigration tribunal
0:21:17 > 0:21:21of being a Russian spy. What was the crucial evidence that won her her fight to stay?
0:21:21 > 0:21:27- She kept a diary.- Wouldn't that be your cover anyway, to have a diary that said,
0:21:27 > 0:21:31"I thought about spying but I'm not going to do it." You'd write things like that, wouldn't you?
0:21:31 > 0:21:36The tribunal concluded that the pair's four-year liaison was:
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Adding:
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Which I think seems a bit harsh, doesn't it?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Gyles, you are a bit of a Tommy Two Ways. Do you think he is attractive?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:52APPLAUSE
0:21:55 > 0:21:58You've boasted about it many times.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I'm sorry, I told Kirsty in confidence!
0:22:00 > 0:22:01LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:06What did we learn from her diary that might have convinced the panel?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08We wouldn't read other people's diaries.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Ian might because, at certain occasions in the public interest, that's justified.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Quite right, yep.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Katia said in her diary:
0:22:32 > 0:22:37- Another Russian in the news this week is Vladimir Putin.- He wants to be president again.- Quite right.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- He's secured the official nomination.- That must have been tough!
0:22:40 > 0:22:43He's not as popular as he was. Do you know what evidence we have?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Is he down to 99% approval?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48He was booed and jeered and whistled at,
0:22:48 > 0:22:52during an appearance at a martial arts fight at Moscow Olympic Stadium. Let's look.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54BOOING
0:22:56 > 0:22:59BOOING DROWNS SPEECH
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Do we know how Putin's people explained this?
0:23:06 > 0:23:12There was very little booing, in fact, many were cheering, going: "You... vwoo-yay!"
0:23:12 > 0:23:14They said:
0:23:20 > 0:23:24What has Russian newsreader Tatyana Limanova been up to this week?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- Is she the one who did the finger? - Shall we take a look?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30READING IN RUSSIAN: ..Barack Obama.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39She's been sacked for mentioning Barack Obama and doing that.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42She was just checking the way the wind was blowing.
0:23:42 > 0:23:47It was to the producers who'd said she couldn't mention Obama. Or that was for Obama.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52The belief is that was for Obama. Subsequently she explained it by saying:
0:23:56 > 0:24:00If the autocue's a bit shaky, you can explain that by going...
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Or if you need to see it twice... All those.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- Did that never happen to you when you were on the news?- Did I ever do that?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Were you ever misinterpreted?
0:24:16 > 0:24:20Germaine Greer once said (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) she couldn't understand a word I was saying.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Which was rich.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29So. How satisfying. It's 14 years since she said that, and now I've got her back.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31APPLAUSE
0:24:36 > 0:24:41This is Katia Zatuliveter who had an affair with Lib Dem MP Mike Hancock.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45But was cleared by an immigration tribunal of being a Russian spy.
0:24:45 > 0:24:51Heading the tribunal, Justice Mitting found that she was not a spy, and simply formed:
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Adding: "Call me."
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10- BUZZER - This was the guy who burgled a house, and he caught and sentenced.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15As part of the sentence he had to write a letter to the person to say, "I'm sorry I burgled your house."
0:25:15 > 0:25:20He wrote: "You're really stupid. I wouldn't leave a window open, you deserve everything, you're a loser."
0:25:20 > 0:25:24"Yours sincerely, the man who's got your record player."
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Or whatever those machines are called these days.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Let's look at what he said.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07David Cameron!
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Does anyone know what the 16 year old stole?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Oh... Our hearts? I don't know.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:21He stole:
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Clearly not a dictionary. What did the victims think when they got his letter?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30That he might have put a stamp on it.
0:26:30 > 0:26:35They never got it, it was held back by the authorities because it might have been deeply distressing.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38According to Javed Khan, chief executive of Victim Support:
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Obviously far better to release it to the national press.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER
0:26:47 > 0:26:52In other news. Why was Rossie Brovent unhappy with her nice new tattoo?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54This is excellent.
0:26:54 > 0:27:00This woman, I believe, had an affair, that she thought her partner who was a tattoo artist didn't know about.
0:27:00 > 0:27:06She said, will you do a tattoo on my back? He said, yes, sign this to say whatever I put on will be fine.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09She said, all right. And he put an enormous turd on there.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- Is that the story?- That indeed is the story. She thought...
0:27:14 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER
0:27:17 > 0:27:21I haven't seen it, I just heard about it. Look at that.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Magnificent. Well done, him.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Isn't it a pile of croissants, one laid above another?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- You're a glass half full boy, aren't you?- I am.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I think the flies give an indication.
0:27:32 > 0:27:38She thought he was doing a pretty scene of Narnia on her back.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42This is the 16-year-old burglar who wrote an unapologetic letter of apology which said:
0:27:45 > 0:27:49A line lifted from Tony Blair's autobiography.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52OK, here's the next one.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54BUZZER
0:27:54 > 0:27:59Right, this is fantastic, they've invented a piece of plastic that can do the limbo dance.
0:27:59 > 0:28:05A robot that can go under that little line of glass, and come out the other side. Intelligent robot.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- That's it, isn't it?- Yes. It is.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10- This is the news that American roboticists...- Bastards!
0:28:10 > 0:28:15- Have finally invented - - American roboticists, all these bloody robots, yargh!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17LAUGHTER
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Just injecting some energy!
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Thought the show needed it, sorry.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Promise not to do it again.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30They've finally invented a limbo dancing -
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Finally, at last!
0:28:33 > 0:28:37A limbo dancing robot, get stuck in!
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- And it can change shape and wiggle. Let's take a look at it.- Yeah!
0:28:40 > 0:28:44- Oh.- Ooh.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46- Oh.- That could be my honeymoon!
0:28:46 > 0:28:48LAUGHTER
0:28:54 > 0:28:59This is the limbo dancing robot that can wriggle into the tightest spaces.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01The robot has a range of emotions, including:
0:29:03 > 0:29:07Already been tipped to take over as royal correspondent from Nicholas Witchell!
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Several other new robots have been unveiled this week.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14One robot, called Dex, is able to:
0:29:16 > 0:29:21All they need to do now is add a rampant rabbit, and the male of the species is dead.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25LAUGHTER
0:29:26 > 0:29:31Is that a heraldic term, a "rampant rabbit"?
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Best you don't go any further.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37Time now for the odd one out round. Your four are:
0:29:37 > 0:29:40The winner of the Turnip Art Prize.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44David Cameron, Madron FC, and the CV of Benedict Le Gauche?
0:29:44 > 0:29:46BUZZER
0:29:46 > 0:29:51The Turnip Award, I've never heard of that, but would suggest it's an award for a bad piece of art.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55You have the Turner award, so Turnip, maybe it's about not being very good.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58The football team, now teams you've never heard
0:29:58 > 0:30:01are either famous because they win every match or lose every match.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04I'm assuming it must be about losing as it's the Turnip Prize.
0:30:04 > 0:30:10This is where I run out of steam cos I've never heard of Benedict Le Gauche or indeed David Cameron!
0:30:11 > 0:30:16- So, is it about failure?- It might be.- Might be? That means it is.
0:30:16 > 0:30:20- Did Benedict Le Gauche send in thousands of CVs?- CVs. You're on the right line.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24I got that because it says curriculum vitae!
0:30:24 > 0:30:28- I'm just trying to be encouraging. - I know. Patronising is good, too.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32- I'm sure she didn't mean it.- No?!
0:30:32 > 0:30:35They're prizes for being bad at stuff.
0:30:35 > 0:30:41So, the Turnip Prize is a bad thing. That football team is the worst in the league, the wooden spoon.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45The curriculum vitae, he's got the worst CV anyone's ever seen.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48So the odd one out is David Cameron for none of the above reasons.
0:30:48 > 0:30:52Who's won a prize this week as GQ Man of the Year,
0:30:52 > 0:30:57- runner up to the gentleman on my right who became GQ... What did you become?- Playmate?
0:30:57 > 0:31:00LAUGHTER
0:31:02 > 0:31:05- Playmate of the Year!- Wa-hey! APPLAUSE
0:31:06 > 0:31:10- David Cameron is the odd one out. - Because?- He's failed totally.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13LAUGHTER
0:31:13 > 0:31:17They have all been described as the worst ever, apart from David Cameron
0:31:17 > 0:31:22who is merely the worst politician in British history since William Gladstone.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25- Patrick Mercer said that.- Indeed he did.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27A renegade MP, was overheard saying it.
0:31:27 > 0:31:32- He was caught on tape at a London party saying it.- What an invasion of his privacy!
0:31:32 > 0:31:35How dare we know what MPs think of their leader.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37He went on to say about David Cameron:
0:31:45 > 0:31:47He also said that Cameron was an:
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Madron FC, the Cornish football team, have been described as
0:31:57 > 0:32:03the worst ever to grace British soil after losing all their season's matches.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05- Their worst result was...? - 36-0?
0:32:05 > 0:32:0755-0.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09AUDIENCE GROANS
0:32:09 > 0:32:14Things got so bad for the team that the phrase, if you don't want to know the score, look away now,
0:32:14 > 0:32:17became a part of the manager's pre-match pep talk.
0:32:19 > 0:32:26They recently broke their losing run with a 4-3 victory in a friendly against the Scottish national side.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28LAUGHTER
0:32:28 > 0:32:29Ha ha ha!
0:32:32 > 0:32:35The Turnip Prize looks to find the worst possible art.
0:32:35 > 0:32:41Last year's winner was a plate holding a large chilli and three small ones.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44It represented a very disappointing episode of Masterchef!
0:32:44 > 0:32:45LAUGHTER
0:32:45 > 0:32:48We can take a look at it. Chilean miners, it represented.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50LAUGHTER
0:32:50 > 0:32:54- Shall we look at one from this year? - Yeah.- What do you think this one's called?
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Stuffed to the gills?
0:32:56 > 0:32:58- Fish bank?- That's good.- Fish bank!
0:32:58 > 0:33:00LAUGHTER
0:33:00 > 0:33:04- I didn't say it was great, I said it might be the title.- It is:
0:33:08 > 0:33:13One of the so-called artworks is a bottle of meat containing small dolls entitled:
0:33:19 > 0:33:24What criteria do you think the Turnip Prize entries are judged on?
0:33:24 > 0:33:29They must be puns. The Turnip... It's not really a pun on Turner, but it's a play on the word.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32Worst pun in art?
0:33:32 > 0:33:34They are based on the following criteria.
0:33:40 > 0:33:41LAUGHTER
0:33:45 > 0:33:47Same system the Turner use!
0:33:48 > 0:33:51Let's come to Benedict Le Gauche's CV.
0:33:51 > 0:33:55The 28 year old from Manchester has been accused of writing
0:33:55 > 0:33:57the world's worst CV because it's too honest.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01For example, what experience does Benedict have in the world of work?
0:34:01 > 0:34:04Absolutely none, but keen to learn.
0:34:04 > 0:34:08According to his CV, duties at earlier jobs included:
0:34:23 > 0:34:28Can't be easy growing up in Manchester if you're called Benedict Le Gauche.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31You try growing up in Liverpool if you're Adolf Hitler!
0:34:31 > 0:34:36Benedict's CV isn't all bad, he does highlight, as you'd expect, his good points. He says he can:
0:34:47 > 0:34:49That's great.
0:34:49 > 0:34:53According to his covering letter:
0:35:03 > 0:35:08Time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication
0:35:08 > 0:35:13Grass Cuttings, the magazine of the British Lawnmower Museum. We start with:
0:35:16 > 0:35:21You call it grass, I call it weed, it's a generation thing.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23LAUGHTER
0:35:23 > 0:35:28You call it Tommy Two Ways, I call it keeping it all your options open.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Oh.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Oh yes! Oh. I've met him.
0:35:40 > 0:35:45Father Gabriele Amorthe, the papal exorcist. Oh yes.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47He was with me for quite a time.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49- It didn't work, then?- No.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51LAUGHTER
0:35:51 > 0:35:58Father Gabriele Amorthe has claimed that yoga and Harry Potter deal with magic, and are evil.
0:35:58 > 0:36:04Father Gabriele Amorthe is the only Catholic priest who's still interested in the Harry Potter films
0:36:04 > 0:36:06since the stars passed the age of 16.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Next:
0:36:15 > 0:36:17That he'd invented a quieter way to mow them down.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21LAUGHTER
0:36:30 > 0:36:31Ah...
0:36:31 > 0:36:32Right. Next:
0:36:35 > 0:36:39Keep smiling, you'll soon be out.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Keep drinking, Cleggy, you'll soon hit oblivion.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44LAUGHTER
0:36:44 > 0:36:45Give us a clue.
0:36:45 > 0:36:49- Stop rowing? Keep rowing? - Keep rowing!
0:36:49 > 0:36:52- That was beautiful done actually. - Wasn't it!
0:36:52 > 0:36:55- You'll soon lose the weight. Is he Is he on a...- He's on a, ah.- It is:
0:37:00 > 0:37:03This is Nick Clegg who's bought a rowing machine to help work off some weight.
0:37:03 > 0:37:08It's funny, I don't remember him pledging never to buy a rowing machine.
0:37:08 > 0:37:09LAUGHTER
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Next:
0:37:13 > 0:37:18Is there a screen inside the urinal that has a variety of daytime programmes on it?
0:37:18 > 0:37:22- You're in the right direction. - Empty your bladder while looking at Eamonn Holmes.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24- LAUGHTER - Kidney stones.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26LAUGHTER
0:37:27 > 0:37:31Instead of just going in there, "Oh, ooh, argh."
0:37:31 > 0:37:34It's not boring. You're never alone with a pellet.
0:37:36 > 0:37:37It is:
0:37:39 > 0:37:46This is about a bar in south London that has installed videogames above a urinal to keep men entertained.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Unlike most videogames, you don't get a chance to upgrade your weapon.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52LAUGHTER
0:37:54 > 0:37:59- You were pleased that, weren't you? - I quite liked it, yeah. Next.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Is it, here's one for free in your yoghurt?
0:38:04 > 0:38:09Somebody was drinking a fudge yoghurt. It had some chunks of fudge, delicious.
0:38:09 > 0:38:14And a tooth. Which is delicious if you like that sort of thing.
0:38:14 > 0:38:18- Was there somebody at the bottom eating up from the other way? - LAUGHTER
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Yes, that explains it!
0:38:20 > 0:38:26- It was a Muller Tooth Corner where you tip it in and fill it up with teeth.- Exactly.- So it is:
0:38:31 > 0:38:37Whilst eating a pot of yoghurt, lorry driver David Casey bit into a rotten tooth. Here it is.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43When he returned the offending pot to the local store, he was offered a refund of 68p
0:38:43 > 0:38:47although he would have got more money if he'd just put it under his pillow!
0:38:47 > 0:38:49Next:
0:38:53 > 0:38:55I was attacked by a vicious gang of scones.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59The ongoing bread wars, isn't it?
0:38:59 > 0:39:02- Same woman was held up by a crumpet. - Yeah, that's right!
0:39:02 > 0:39:06I was almost brown bread, says woman saved by loaf.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09- Gyles is right.- Oh good!
0:39:13 > 0:39:16This is mother of two Liz Douglas who crashed her car
0:39:16 > 0:39:20and was saved when a loaf flew out of her shopping and cushioned her head.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23After the accident, she suffered from whiplash
0:39:23 > 0:39:24and was advised to wear a bagel!
0:39:24 > 0:39:26LAUGHTER
0:39:29 > 0:39:32The 51-year-old Scot is lucky to be alive,
0:39:32 > 0:39:35as indeed is any Scot who is 51.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39And finally:
0:39:43 > 0:39:44Oh no.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46LAUGHTER
0:39:46 > 0:39:50We've ruled out circumcision, have we?
0:39:50 > 0:39:54Yes, but not necessarily for the answer for this. I ruled it out generally...
0:39:54 > 0:39:57It's too late for me now.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00A lawnmower vasectomy.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03- Worse.- Oh no! - Successfully sever own penis.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06That's not a suggestion, just what I feel like doing.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08LAUGHTER
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Marcus was correct.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17- Was it a race?- The first?
0:40:17 > 0:40:20It suggests there'd been a spate of them in Milwaukee.
0:40:20 > 0:40:24It is astonishing. No matter how dangerous a machine might be,
0:40:24 > 0:40:27somewhere in the world there is always a man prepared to see what happens
0:40:27 > 0:40:29if he puts his penis in it.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31LAUGHTER
0:40:31 > 0:40:35The final scores are: Ian and Gyles have six.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38- Paul and Marcus have ten. - APPLAUSE
0:40:43 > 0:40:45I leave you with news that,
0:40:45 > 0:40:49as the Olympic Bus Timetabling Sub-Committee meeting enters its fourth hour,
0:40:49 > 0:40:52one man's thoughts turn to the beach volleyball.
0:40:57 > 0:41:02In Northampton, there's a mixed response, as Wetherspoons starts doing breakfasts.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08And, at 4am at the Autumnwatch wrap party,
0:41:08 > 0:41:13there's evidence that some of the guests may have overdone things.
0:41:18 > 0:41:19Good night.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:25 > 0:41:27E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:41:54 > 0:41:59Thank you for your patience, for some reason it went on for rather a long time tonight.
0:41:59 > 0:42:03I've no idea why. I think it was a technical thing.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06It's always this length in my experience.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08LAUGHTER