0:00:27 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41I'm Miranda Hart.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44In the news this week, at a clinic in Richmond,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46there was an unwelcome sight for Vince Cable
0:00:46 > 0:00:49as a surgeon begins his haemorrhoidectomy.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52We won't come in if you don't want us to!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56On holiday in the Bahamas,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59it looks like John Prescott's weight loss programme is beginning to work.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And after his BBC salary is cut, Jeremy Paxman has no option
0:01:10 > 0:01:14but to take a second job on the QVC shopping channel.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Time to get yourself a nice, warm woolly this autumn.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22It's available through any of the 300 high street branches
0:01:22 > 0:01:25of Edinburgh Woollen Mill.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30With Ian is a Labour MP who loves computer games,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33he spends hours indulging in virtual fantasy role-playing.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Or as we know it, being in the Shadow Cabinet.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Please welcome Tom Watson.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Thank you.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:47With Paul is an American stand-up,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49recently described as a six-foot-tall,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52husky-voiced sex icon. I'm sorry.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Recently described BY a six-foot-tall,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56husky-voiced sex icon.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02APPLAUSE
0:02:06 > 0:02:08And with start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Ian and Tom, take a look at this.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Oh, that's a couple who love each other.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Oh, a couple who don't!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh, look, there's Meryl Streep, she's taking over again.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Ahh, a British bulldog.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Anyway, this is a very exciting story.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25It's the Euro.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28By the time this goes out, Europe will have been saved.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Or not.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31We don't know.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35But apparently it's extraordinary - they're going to rescue the Euro.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38The Tory Party's in revolt, there could be a referendum,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41they could ask the public what we think about Europe.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43It's very dangerous! Thank you.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45What's your position?
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- Er, on the Euro or on Europe?- Both? - Is Labour split on this, too?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52If Tories are revolting...
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Generally, we're... Yeah. I think we're keeping very quiet on it
0:02:55 > 0:02:57and waiting for David Cameron to save the day.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Right.- You're waiting for Cameron to save the day?!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Yeah.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08So you're just going to do nothing and then just hope they mess it up.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Well, I'm going to do nothing, cos I'm not a very good politician.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16But I'm sure... I'm sure Ed Miliband would, er...
0:03:16 > 0:03:18APPLAUSE
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I'm sure my leader's got a plan.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I love that. Refreshing candour - the deputy chairman says,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- "Oh, I'm not a very good politician."- I know.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Well, I've only got the job... You know, Ed, he called me in and said,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32"You know, I'm going to make you vice-chairman of the Labour Party.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34"You're going to join the Shadow Cabinet."
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I said, "Is it because of my forensic examination of Rupert Murdoch?"
0:03:37 > 0:03:40He said, "No, I just need someone who's more unpopular with The Sun."
0:03:42 > 0:03:45They had it in for you for ages. Cos you sued The Sun once.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49And they said, "We're going to get Tom Watson."
0:03:49 > 0:03:51And then you asked rude questions about Rupert Murdoch.
0:03:51 > 0:03:56- Yeah.- And then you called him "a mafia don."
0:03:56 > 0:03:57- Yeah.- Which isn't nice, is it?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Well, they were very upset about it and they sent me a letter of complaint...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- Really?- ..pinned to a horse's head.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09According to the People newspaper last Sunday,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12what are the Germans doing these days, just in case?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Saving when we're not?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18They are actually printing new Deutschmarks to be on the safe side.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- Really? - AUDIENCE MURMURS
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Better safe than sorry.
0:04:21 > 0:04:27I mean, the whole audience murmured like, "Those dirty Germs again!"
0:04:29 > 0:04:33There has been recent history between our two countries.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Y'all going to win the World Cup anyway.
0:04:37 > 0:04:43Can I just say could I have my fee in cash, please? My fee in cash.
0:04:43 > 0:04:49- What cash do you want? Euros, Deutschmarks?- Pound is the safest.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- South African Rand.- That's probably better. I'll go with Rand.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Fee in Rand.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I kind of like something about Germany having their own money.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Sounds like Angela Merkel was raised well by her mother. It's like,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06you go and talk to them world leaders,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08but you take your own money, you hear?
0:05:10 > 0:05:15I love the idea they say if Europe goes ahead with a solution,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Britain will be left on the sidelines.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19While the middle collapses!
0:05:19 > 0:05:20That would be awful.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24We would be left watching everyone else collapse!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I hope that doesn't happen(!)
0:05:29 > 0:05:32The Guardian summed it up for me when they said:
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I knew that. I absolutely knew that.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52I was talking to my cousin Ray-Ray last week, I was telling him the same thing.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Sarkozy and Merkel have been meeting again this wee as we saw
0:05:57 > 0:06:00and there's another summit on Friday, what has David Cameron
0:06:00 > 0:06:03been saying about any proposed changes to European treaties?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07He has been saying tell us what you're going to do Angela
0:06:07 > 0:06:08and we will do it.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11You don't like David Cameron very much, do you?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- He doesn't really like me. - Really?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I keep putting in Freedom of Information requests about
0:06:16 > 0:06:21the cost of his luxury Notting Hill kitchen in Number 10 Downing Street.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Which is decent of you after the expenses row you were caught up in!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:31 > 0:06:35They are fighting amongst themselves. We will beat the hell out of them!
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Ever since Hislop made that comment about all the money he stole
0:06:38 > 0:06:41their confidence went down.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I didn't say stole, I said claimed!
0:06:45 > 0:06:51- And it's all behind you. - He's begging for approval but it's too late!
0:06:53 > 0:06:59- The approval counter is shut. - Give us point for that.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01You can't get a point for pointing out
0:07:01 > 0:07:06they are fighting amongst themselves. We wouldn't get a point for that.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09We need to get a point for answering a question right.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13But if we got in their head and intimidated them and it made them
0:07:13 > 0:07:17unravel before the game started, we could have a point for that.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19But would there be any fun in winning over what would be
0:07:19 > 0:07:22the remains of human detritus?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I'm American, I don't know anything!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32A win is a win.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I only say this in case they get a picture up
0:07:36 > 0:07:39but Ian you bear a remarkable resemblance to Archie Andrews
0:07:39 > 0:07:41who was a ventriloquist's dummy in the 1950s.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46He used to wear a blazer just like that.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Peter Brough and Archie Andrews, bung it up halfway through the show
0:07:50 > 0:07:52and if we don't know what it is, I was wrong, if we do I was right.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56I will take that in the spirit it's meant.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59That's exactly what you gonna do.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Sarkozy also had a sneaky dig at Britain this week,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07do you know what he said?
0:08:07 > 0:08:08HE GRUNTS
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Speaking in English, he said France was now more
0:08:16 > 0:08:18"business friendly" than the UK,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20although what he actually said was:
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Easily amused, the Indian/Welsh...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I can't do accents.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I might keep that in the pouch, man. You know, like when you tell someone, that was a joke,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42to keep them from being offended at what you just said.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45It's kind of cool to go, "I'm sorry, that was simply a pleasantry."
0:08:45 > 0:08:48So also in the news this week has been Standard & Poor.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Which makes me think of my school report.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Um...
0:08:52 > 0:08:54What have they been up to?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Reg, you know all about this business shizzle.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I'm sorry, Snoop, could you repeat what you just said?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04APPLAUSE
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Snoop Harty-Hart.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13They are downgrading the credit rating of every country in the Eurozone
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Why did you ask me about that?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19You asked me about that because black people often have bad credit.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Sarkozy and Merkel...
0:09:24 > 0:09:27And I can't bring myself to say
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Merkozy, as they're calling them. Common!
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Um...
0:09:32 > 0:09:36They were annoyed with Standard & Poor, why was that?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Cos they don't think it helps, dropping the credit rating
0:09:39 > 0:09:42of all European countries on the eve of trying to sort it out.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44According to The Star:
0:09:50 > 0:09:52That'll be Merkel, I expect.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56How was the latest rescue proposal received?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Well the DAX went down 1.3
0:09:59 > 0:10:01and the CAC lost 0.7.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Oh.- That's so weird!
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I mean weird as in clever and freakishly knowledgeable.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- Is it true? - I read it on the autocue.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Oh you...!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13APPLAUSE
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Well, that would explain it!
0:10:21 > 0:10:25You ruined that joke with your stealing of stuff!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Get him, take the point from him!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Look, it was just a pleasantry.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Do you know, it was very funny.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- Shall we cheer ourselves up?- Yeah. - Shall I tell you how?- How?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Let's look at some expensive cars
0:10:39 > 0:10:42that some rich people have just written off on a motorway.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46It was a convoy of luxury sports cars including six Ferraris
0:10:46 > 0:10:49and a Lamborghini that came a cropper on a road in Japan.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Does anyone know where they were headed?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53MAN SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Oh, it's... We've gone to the floor, have we?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Just call me David Dimbleby. Right.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Where did you say?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- MAN: Scrapyard.- Scrapyard. - Scrapyard.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Funny!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10APPLAUSE
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Can I just say, it was lovely to heard from you, but shh now.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23And finally, the first results of the PM's much vaunted
0:11:23 > 0:11:26happiness survey have been published.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30How happy do you think are Britons out of 10?
0:11:30 > 0:11:326.7. Happy percent.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Out of 10.- Quite close. 7.4.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37So, we are pretty happy.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42I mean, British people are fantastic it's just that they're not
0:11:42 > 0:11:45the most festive people.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Unless they are drinking or there is a band playing in a muddy
0:11:48 > 0:11:51field somewhere.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54You're pretty reserved about the emotion thing, period.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58In fact, I think self-loathing is the national sport.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06And I think people learn to self-loathe so they can join in.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Then they can be happy being with other people who hate their self.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Keep it light, Reg.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- Yeah, 7.4. - It might have gone down since then!
0:12:17 > 0:12:18APPLAUSE
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Does anyone know any of the questions
0:12:25 > 0:12:27they were asked in the survey?
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Are you happy?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Are you filled with self-loathing and therefore unable to enjoy
0:12:33 > 0:12:36yourself except in the company of other self-loathers?
0:12:36 > 0:12:40You are mocking what I said but it's true.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45That's the reason you bought it back up, because it hurt a little bit!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Would you smile at a sea lion playing trumpet?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Is that one of the questions?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Here's one:
0:12:59 > 0:13:04- Would that one have hurt, Tom? - It's a hard one to answer.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06When you're a politician.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10The self-loathing thing is working with you.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I'm 7.4 on the self-loathing scale.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14You're a politician, you got a hard job.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18You can't tell the truth, but then you often accused of not being honest
0:13:18 > 0:13:21but if you told the actual truth, you'd be out of a job in a week.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I want to be on your team.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Well, of course you do
0:13:24 > 0:13:27because you know the man next to you don't like you.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Indecently, 2.7% of the people surveyed
0:13:35 > 0:13:38said they were completely happy - 10/10/
0:13:38 > 0:13:41See the survey's taking place in Britain and you asking people
0:13:41 > 0:13:44about happiness and what the survey does not account for
0:13:44 > 0:13:46is the level of sarcasm in everybody's answer.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48"Are you happy?"
0:13:48 > 0:13:51"Yes, I am completely happy (!)"
0:13:54 > 0:13:57APPLAUSE
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- You have been in the news this week. - Have I?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06In connection with the phone hacking scandal.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- You were on the committee that investigates it. Are you not?- I am.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Yes, apparently you were followed for five days
0:14:12 > 0:14:15by a News of the World private detective.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Tell me, what were you up to?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I was at the Labour Party Conference.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I was drinking a lot of beer with Trade Unionists, mainly,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25and I rang my private investigator -
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I obviously know him now, his name's Derek...
0:14:30 > 0:14:36..and I rang him up and said, "Hello, Derek, my name's Tom, you followed me at the Labour Party Conference,"
0:14:36 > 0:14:40He said, "I remember you, Tom, you were out all night drinking beer."
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Are you friends now?- Well, he's very upset with Rupert Murdoch.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47He said Rupert Murdoch didn't pay him enough money when they closed the News of The World, so...
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I've actually spent most of the week finding him an employment lawyer.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55So, he's suing News International for breach of contract.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59You're helping out the bloke who spied on you for five days?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00- Yeah.- I'm warming to you
0:15:00 > 0:15:04You should meet him, he's got a lot o talk about, Ian, you could, er...
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Derek...!
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Yes, so this is the latest instalment of the Eurozone crisis.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15One Tory MP asked David Cameron during Question Time
0:15:15 > 0:15:19whether he would seize the chance to claw back power from Europe. Cameron's reply was:
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Which I believe is Boris Johnson for yes.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32On a more cheerful note, several luxury cars were involved
0:15:32 > 0:15:34in a multi-million-pound pile up in Japan.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39The story cheered almost everyone up except for Japanese newsreaders
0:15:39 > 0:15:41who had to keep saying Ferrari.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50So, Paul and Reg, take a look at this.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55This is pandas, pandas are arriving in Scotland as is suggested.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58These are the pandas and panda dolls
0:15:58 > 0:16:00that were being sold as souvenirs as they were arriving.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Where's the pandas? Oh, God, is this Edinburgh?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Um, they are feeding the pandas.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10So it's pandas have arrived in Edinburgh, and as someone pointed out this week,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12there's now more pandas in Scotland than Tories.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Yes, it's the arrival of the two pandas at Edinburgh zoo.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Notoriously slow-moving and incommunicative, with glum expressions and a poor diet,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23the Scots were still pleased to see the pandas arrive.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30They don't breed well cos they eat a lot of bamboo. Whenever they feel like having sex, they can't.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35It's like seeing a sexy woman but you can't do anything cos you've eaten a sideboard.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37They're putting them in two separate cages
0:16:37 > 0:16:41cos they only breed for four days a year.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42It's a hell of a four days, though!
0:16:42 > 0:16:47They're connecting these two things with what they're calling a love tunnel.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I don't think it's called that really amongst biologists
0:16:50 > 0:16:55but I know what you're saying. A love tunnel!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57According to The Mail:
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Well, it's not the be-all and end-all, is it?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08I would have thought that it would be difficult
0:17:08 > 0:17:10for two very fat things to have sex,
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Like, it's all right if one thing is very fat,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18and the other thing is not so fat,
0:17:18 > 0:17:22then you could get an angle of trajectory...
0:17:24 > 0:17:28..that would, um, please everyone.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- Everyone?- Involved!- Oh, I see!
0:17:32 > 0:17:37If you get the angle of trajectory, then you will find your love tunnel
0:17:37 > 0:17:44and then... But it's harder to do that when both creatures are very fat.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47It's hard to get purchase, if you will.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Yes, ma'am.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01But these pandas cos £700,000 a year - that's a lot of bamboo.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02That's costing them a fortune.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Yeah, it was billed as a gift from China, but it isn't.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- Oh, they came from China?- Yeah.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10You know, they say China getting ready to take over the world
0:18:10 > 0:18:12and China has rough human rights issues.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Where do they get off giving people panda bears?
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Y'all better be careful, they might be some Trojan pandas.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I think that's exactly the point of giving these pandas.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27They're importing huge amounts of Scottish fish, suddenly,
0:18:27 > 0:18:32not Norwegian fish, cos the Norwegians raised objections to their human rights programme.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- So they don't give no panda bears? - They're buying Scottish fish and everyone's got to shut up.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- So they sent the panda bears to Scotland as a- BLEEP- you to Norway.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47It's costing £700,000 a year
0:18:47 > 0:18:50which includes all their food. Now, Tom, food...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Oh, no.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Are you still allowed to claim at all on expenses.- Yes.
0:18:55 > 0:19:00Is it true that you spent so much on food at M&S that they gave you
0:19:00 > 0:19:02a free pizza wheel as a gift?
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Sort of, you got that story slightly wrong but I did get a pizza wheel,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09yeah, and it, obviously because I'm a very fat man,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12featured quite heavily in the newspapers
0:19:12 > 0:19:13during the expenses scandal
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- Actually, Tom,
0:19:15 > 0:19:20- you're not very fat.- Like, of you got with somebody of equal fatness...
0:19:24 > 0:19:27It's the angle of trajectory, is... It's the angle of trajectory.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Can you imagine how delighted the pun writers were
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- on the national newspapers this week?- PANDA-monium?- Nice.- Oooh.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37PANDA-ing to China over its human rights.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40My favourite pun was in The Sun.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- "Black eye the noo". - GROANS
0:19:45 > 0:19:48So, yes, this is the shock news that vegetables will be eaten
0:19:48 > 0:19:52in Scotland with the arrival of two Chinese pandas at Edinburgh Zoo.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54LAUGHTER
0:19:54 > 0:19:57It's difficult for pandas to reproduce
0:19:57 > 0:19:59because according to the Mail:
0:20:01 > 0:20:03New Year's Eve, the office party,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06and when she wants a wardrobe shifting.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Time now for the one-armed bandit of news.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- BELL - Ian and Tom.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23The Muppet Show in America has been accused by Fox TV,
0:20:23 > 0:20:28which is a right-wing news channel, of deliberately spreading communism.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Er, amongst the under-fives.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33And they're serious! They think the Muppets
0:20:33 > 0:20:36are deliberately spreading a communist message.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Because the businessman in the film
0:20:38 > 0:20:40is going to close down the Muppet Theatre.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43The Muppets have been accused by Fox News host Eric Bolling...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:48He's a trustworthy sort, isn't he?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Are those his teeth, or is his head hollow
0:20:51 > 0:20:53and what we're seeing is the wall behind?
0:20:53 > 0:20:57- Is that what it is? - APPLAUSE
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- I think that's what it is. - They've got a record of this.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04I mean, they tried to ban Spongebob Squarepants.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Seriously, they thought he was
0:21:05 > 0:21:08spreading homosexuality amongst the youth.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11There's been another right-wing nutjob in the news this week.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Herman Cain, AKA The Herminator.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16He's stood down from the race to be
0:21:16 > 0:21:18the Republican presidential candidate
0:21:18 > 0:21:21following claims of infidelity and sexual harassment.
0:21:21 > 0:21:27The most recent sexy claims against him were from a Ginger White.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30That's the name of the person, not a description.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER In this country, that's not a crime!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Yes, Ginger White said they'd had a lengthy affair,
0:21:38 > 0:21:42and presented evidence of 61 recent telephone calls from him
0:21:42 > 0:21:44as early as 4:26am. Do you know what he said to that?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47"What time is it?"
0:21:47 > 0:21:48He actually said:
0:21:54 > 0:21:59Quite specific. Er, Cain gave a rousing farewell speech.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01He ended by saying:
0:22:08 > 0:22:12- Where was that quote from? - Is it a popular song?- Yes.- Oh.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I don't know any popular songs. Er...
0:22:15 > 0:22:19He was quoting Donna Summer, from her theme song for
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Pokemon: The Movie 2000.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I don't remember that one.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I do.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- I'm probably the only one who actually sat through that.- Why?
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- I had children.- Oh.- Wanted to get away from them for two hours?- Yeah!
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Er, one of the criticisms of Cain was that he might get caught out
0:22:40 > 0:22:42by "gotcha" questions from journalists.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Do you know how he smoothly dismissed this?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- I didn't see it, no.- He said:
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Let's see Cain in action recently, dealing with a "gotcha" question.
0:23:03 > 0:23:09So do you agree with President Obama on Libya or not?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11OK. Libya.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23President Obama...
0:23:23 > 0:23:26supported...
0:23:26 > 0:23:31the uprising. Correct? President Obama called for the removal of...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Gaddafi.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I just want to make sure we're talking about the same thing
0:23:36 > 0:23:38before I say yes, I agreed.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I do not agree with the way he handled it
0:23:42 > 0:23:46for the following reason. Um...
0:23:46 > 0:23:48No, that's a different one.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53A sad loss to the political world, there.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- Doesn't that make you feel sort of competent, and...?- Yeah!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Proud to be a British politician?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I'd like to thank you for putting him on, there,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- you've made me look quite clever. - Yeah!
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Can anyone tell me what Occupy Wall Street protester
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Tracy Postert has been up to?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- Doing time.- No.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17She recently joined the occupation carrying a sign which read:
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Nicely topical, there, Trace.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26But she got bored and replaced it with a placard advertising her CV
0:24:26 > 0:24:28and a passing banker noticed it,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31offered her a job and she's now accepted it.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35So this is the rather confusing Fox News about a frog.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Fox News pundit Eric Bolling accused the new Muppet movie of:
0:24:43 > 0:24:46A spokesman for The Muppets promptly confronted him saying,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48"Hiiii-yah!"
0:24:48 > 0:24:50APPLAUSE
0:24:53 > 0:24:57The allegation is quite ludicrous, not every Muppet is a communist.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59For instance, Beaker is clearly a Liberal Democrat.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13BUZZ!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16This is Prince Albert Memorial and his wife Queen Victoria.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20A painting has come to light recently of her as a young girl
0:25:20 > 0:25:22which was considered saucy in its day.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24And it's only come to light now,
0:25:24 > 0:25:26we're only allowed to see it some hundred-odd years after she's died.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Brace yourselves, boys There it is.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Oh, revealing!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Who decided it was too naughty to be seen?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Um, Prince Albert probably, he was always saying things like that.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- GERMAN ACCENT:- This is too naughty to be seen!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43He was German, you know.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45It was a surprise 24th birthday present for Albert,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48he considered it so racy that he kept it in his private writing room
0:25:48 > 0:25:50at Windsor Castle. I bet he did!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55How was the sexy effect achieved?
0:25:55 > 0:25:59- According to Desmond Shawe-Taylor, surveyor of...- Oh, don't trust him!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01He says...
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Hi, boys.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Yeah?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Yeah!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Yeah?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:28 > 0:26:33Also this week, the winner of the Turnip Prize for bad art was announced. Did anyone see that?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- No.- I did not.- Well,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I'll show you the exhibit and you can guess the title.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Right.- I don't know what it is.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Is it just a jar of dirty water or something?
0:26:41 > 0:26:42- Yep.- A jam jar, is it?
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Yeah, it's called Jamming with Muddy Waters.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48GROANS
0:26:48 > 0:26:50And the winner said:
0:27:06 > 0:27:09I think we can all identify with that.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12So this is Prince Albert's private portrait of Queen Victoria
0:27:12 > 0:27:15that was deemed too saucy to be shown in public.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17So, girls, if you want to pull your first cousin,
0:27:17 > 0:27:19that's the look to go for.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24According to the Telegraph, Prince Albert considered the portrait
0:27:24 > 0:27:26so racy that he...
0:27:28 > 0:27:31In much the same way that Prince Phillip
0:27:31 > 0:27:34keeps his back copies of Razzle in the shed.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44RING
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Ian and Tom?
0:27:45 > 0:27:46They found another Earth -
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- another planet that would be perfect for life. Really.- Blimey.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52So we can move there when we've finished with this one.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Which is about 50 years I think!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57It is 600 light years away.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01- Do you know what it's called? - Earth 2.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03The Sequel.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06They're calling it the rather catchy:
0:28:09 > 0:28:13- Isn't that where Sherlock Holmes used to live?- Yeah!
0:28:13 > 0:28:18- Do you want to see the real picture of the planet?- Yes.- You can't see it
0:28:18 > 0:28:20cos it's 600 light-years away, it's a trick question, get out!
0:28:22 > 0:28:26This telescope apparently spotted over 2,000 planets outside our
0:28:26 > 0:28:28solar system known as exoplanets.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29And they've started a league table
0:28:29 > 0:28:32and ranked the exoplanets based on habitability.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Or HABITibility.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Sorry about that.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41They've called this:
0:28:45 > 0:28:49I bet Argos are quaking in their boots.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52What are you going to find when you go there?
0:28:52 > 0:28:54I don't know, what's there, seas?
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Must be water.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57We would find:
0:29:03 > 0:29:06I'd prefer probably just to go to Tenerife again.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11In much more exciting extra-terrestrial news,
0:29:11 > 0:29:14who's been discovered on a Danish pastry this week?
0:29:14 > 0:29:17- E.T.- Correct!
0:29:17 > 0:29:18Really?
0:29:18 > 0:29:19Yes!
0:29:19 > 0:29:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:22 > 0:29:24There he is, that's him.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30On the topic of outer space,
0:29:30 > 0:29:34did anyone see how Japanese astronaut Satoshi Furukawa...
0:29:37 > 0:29:40How he, he, that man, made history this week?
0:29:40 > 0:29:43He managed to play baseball on his lonesome
0:29:43 > 0:29:46while on the International Space Station.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49- Should we have a look? - Yeah.- I think so.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:08 > 0:30:11Has he got much to do?
0:30:17 > 0:30:20- He's on his own in space.- You've got to do something, don't you?
0:30:20 > 0:30:22But the question is, who's holding the camera?
0:30:22 > 0:30:25You know, I felt the same way when I was watching the Blair Witch Project.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27- Who's holding the camera?- Yeah.
0:30:27 > 0:30:32You know, you're looking at someone being savaged by something you can't see
0:30:32 > 0:30:37but you don't hold the camera and go, "it's very scary, I'm sure it will eat me next,
0:30:37 > 0:30:39"but this is fantastic footage."
0:30:39 > 0:30:43So this is the exciting news that scientists have discovered a planet like Earth.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45According to The Telegraph:
0:30:50 > 0:30:53The only downside is those ghastly people at Kepler 22a
0:30:57 > 0:31:01Assessing its suitability for human habitation, a NASA spokesperson said:
0:31:03 > 0:31:07..Oh, I've said it...!
0:31:07 > 0:31:08I can't say habitable.
0:31:08 > 0:31:09Habitable.
0:31:09 > 0:31:13Do you pronounce the word doo-ing as (LIKE BOING) doing?
0:31:13 > 0:31:14Some people do.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16They say habby-table.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21Habit-ible. Habitable.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24"We are certain that it is habit..."
0:31:24 > 0:31:29- I can say it and you can say all the other words, if you want...- OK, you say that word and I'll mouth it.
0:31:38 > 0:31:42Sorry, IF it has a surface. Before we make the 600-light-year journey,
0:31:42 > 0:31:45do you think you could just check that out first?
0:31:46 > 0:31:50Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55RING
0:31:55 > 0:31:57This is a village. twinned with Blindin'.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:03 > 0:32:05This is Google refuses to carry it
0:32:05 > 0:32:08because whenever they put the word in Google Maps it thinks it's a,
0:32:08 > 0:32:11you know, it's bad language, so they don't exist, it won't come up.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14- Is it Google it won't come up on? - It's Facebook.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Same sort of thing, isn't it? Google, Facebook -
0:32:17 > 0:32:21press a button, something happens. If it doesn't, it's not plugged in,
0:32:21 > 0:32:23I understand the internet.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Yes, Ann Marie Kennedy from the village of Effin
0:32:26 > 0:32:29has started an online battle
0:32:29 > 0:32:31to get her village's name recognised on Facebook.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34Ann Marie set up a Facebook page titled...
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Which was then blocked by Facebook
0:32:42 > 0:32:44as it was deemed offensive.
0:32:44 > 0:32:45Ann Marie said to the Guardian:
0:32:51 > 0:32:56Yeah, Facebook ARE going to fix the Effin problem. A spokesperson said:
0:33:06 > 0:33:08MAN IN AUDIENCE CONTINUES LAUGHING
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Are you all right?
0:33:11 > 0:33:15Sounded like somebody trying to kick-start a donkey.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Oh, I do apologise, madam.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27And why has a man in Scotland got into trouble for swearing this week?
0:33:27 > 0:33:30His real name is Alan Bastard.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34It was a technical hitch at the start of BBC Radio Scotland's news for the Borders show
0:33:34 > 0:33:40which meant that the word "the Borders" was repeated 37 times.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42A man tried to fix the problem live on air,
0:33:42 > 0:33:44let's have a listen.
0:33:44 > 0:33:45'This from Lynn Renney.'
0:33:45 > 0:33:47'The Borders. The Borders.'
0:33:47 > 0:33:53'The Borders. The Borders. The Borders. The Borders.
0:33:53 > 0:33:59'The Borders. The borders. The Borders. The Borders. The Borders.'
0:33:59 > 0:34:01- 'Oh,- BLEEP.'
0:34:03 > 0:34:04'Ahhh....'
0:34:04 > 0:34:08- 'Oh, get me out of... What the- BLEEP BLEEP?'
0:34:10 > 0:34:14- 'What the hell's going on here? Check the- BLEEP- faults.
0:34:15 > 0:34:16'Ahhhh...'
0:34:19 > 0:34:21- Quite hypnotic, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23Is it a secret message, we'll all go out tonight
0:34:23 > 0:34:25and kill the Prime Minister or something?
0:34:25 > 0:34:27It's from the Immigration Service, isn't it?
0:34:27 > 0:34:30- The borders, the borders... - The borders.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35This is the Effin woman who's got into an Effin row
0:34:35 > 0:34:37- with those- BLEEP- at Facebook.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:43 > 0:34:46Facebook refused to allow users to identify their hometown as Effin
0:34:46 > 0:34:49on the grounds that it is...
0:34:49 > 0:34:53This also explains why there seems to be no Facebook users
0:34:53 > 0:34:54in Cockermouth.
0:34:56 > 0:34:57Time now for the Missing Words Round
0:34:57 > 0:35:00which this week features as its guest publication...
0:35:00 > 0:35:02Tea & Tea Room Talk -
0:35:02 > 0:35:07The Magazine For People Who Love Tea And Tea Rooms.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10At this stage the host usually does a terrible pun,
0:35:10 > 0:35:13but I'm to think of one.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15GROANS
0:35:15 > 0:35:16And we start with:
0:35:20 > 0:35:23I think this is something like homosexuality.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26What speed to they have to attain before this happens?
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Did 32mph, wa-hey!
0:35:30 > 0:35:31- It's in Saudi. - You're absolutely right.
0:35:34 > 0:35:39As a woman approaches a certain speed she starts going, "I hate cock!"
0:35:39 > 0:35:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:45 > 0:35:49Relish that moment cos you'll never see it again.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59A Saudi Arabian cleric has warned that allowing women to drive
0:35:59 > 0:36:04will turn men and women to homosexuality, prostitution and pornography.
0:36:04 > 0:36:10Those ultra-conservative views on women drivers come from the controversial Muslim cleric
0:36:10 > 0:36:11Kamal Subhi al-Clarkson.
0:36:14 > 0:36:18The best cleric...IN THE WORLD!
0:36:18 > 0:36:19Next:
0:36:23 > 0:36:24Where's Congham Hall?
0:36:24 > 0:36:28Pass. I'm asking you the questions, bitch.
0:36:34 > 0:36:38Is it, cut the crusts off in the shape of President Roosevelt?
0:36:40 > 0:36:44I don't know what papers I'm reading, cos those are the stories I read!
0:36:44 > 0:36:47The answer is:
0:36:52 > 0:36:54I almost said that!
0:36:54 > 0:36:57The tea-loving journalist writes:
0:37:01 > 0:37:05If this repeat is going out in Ethiopia, I can only apologise.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12TOM: Never introduce the cleric, Jeremy Clarkson to your sister.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Is it, priests beheaded?
0:37:14 > 0:37:17No! The answer is:
0:37:20 > 0:37:23This is the exciting World War II story of an agent in Madrid
0:37:23 > 0:37:26who used an old-fashioned English tea house as a base
0:37:26 > 0:37:29for an escape network for Allied servicemen.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32He was the James Bond of tearooms.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34- The Man With the Golden- Bun.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38- Doctor- No-Sugarinmine.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41- You Only- Sieve- Twice.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Ha!
0:37:44 > 0:37:46You Only SIEVE twice?
0:37:46 > 0:37:50- Yeah.- I didn't realise that was the standard we were aiming at.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54I'm going lower!
0:37:54 > 0:37:55Next:
0:37:56 > 0:37:58REGINALD: Never prosper.
0:38:00 > 0:38:04It's actually "..never forget a friendly face."
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Scientists have revealed that wasps are able to tell each other
0:38:07 > 0:38:11apart and remember other wasps that have done them favours.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Oh, I thought we were talking about insects.
0:38:16 > 0:38:17Oh.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21The times illustrated its article with this picture
0:38:21 > 0:38:25and this gave us an idea for an odd-one-out.
0:38:25 > 0:38:26So...
0:38:28 > 0:38:33- Which of these is the odd-one-out? Anyone?- Top right.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36It's actually Peter, bottom-left.
0:38:36 > 0:38:44As he's the only one that doesn't like picnics.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Next...
0:38:48 > 0:38:53- Whose side were on you in the war?! That's not it?- Not it.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57- Oh.- That's a "Sar-cosy", isn't it?
0:38:57 > 0:38:59REGINALD: How are you going to support this baby, though?
0:38:59 > 0:39:02LAUGHTER
0:39:07 > 0:39:09The answer is:
0:39:11 > 0:39:14According to the Tea magazine a travelling tea cosy
0:39:14 > 0:39:17exhibition will happen over the summer.
0:39:17 > 0:39:21So, if you missed out on those Olympic tickets, your luck's in!
0:39:21 > 0:39:22And finally.
0:39:25 > 0:39:29Oh, he drinks a lot of tea, doesn't he? He likes green tea.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31AS BRUCE: Green tea, uh, green tea! Green tea!
0:39:32 > 0:39:35Is it, "sleeping in a coffin full of earth"?
0:39:35 > 0:39:36No, you're mixing him up with Dracula.
0:39:36 > 0:39:37Oh, yeah.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Same age range but different bloke.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Erm, Ribena? Blood of virgins?
0:39:44 > 0:39:45Pink champagne.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47There we are.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50The question everyone asks is "How does Brucie keep looking so young?"
0:39:50 > 0:39:53The answer, of course, is "He doesn't!"
0:39:55 > 0:40:00So, the final scores are Paul and Reg with 4 and Ian and Tom with 5!
0:40:00 > 0:40:04APPLAUSE
0:40:08 > 0:40:11But before we go there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14Is it Fenton lets celebrity lifestyle get to him?
0:40:17 > 0:40:20REGINALD: Dog says, "Wait a minute, I need time to rest
0:40:20 > 0:40:22"after I just ate your brother."
0:40:25 > 0:40:30Dog gives birth to human but refuses to cut umbilical chord.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33And here's a picture we couldn't show you earlier,
0:40:33 > 0:40:38it's Archie Andrews.
0:40:41 > 0:40:45I'm very flattered.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47And I leave you with news that in Strasbourg the new Italian
0:40:47 > 0:40:50leader refuses to agree to his country's debt repayment
0:40:50 > 0:40:53scheme on the basis of a game of Scissors, Paper, Stone.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02As ratings continue to plummet,
0:41:02 > 0:41:05producers make some drastic changes to the panel of the XFactor.
0:41:10 > 0:41:14And the morning after the party to celebrate their biggest haul yet,
0:41:14 > 0:41:18the drug squad sniffer dogs realise things may have got a little out of hand.
0:41:23 > 0:41:24Good night.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:55 > 0:41:57Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk