0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Sue Perkins, and in the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45after rigorous analysis of the latest figures,
0:00:45 > 0:00:50the world's leading economist gives his forecast for Britain's growth over the next ten years.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05At St Mary's Hospital, as he arrives for his annual check-up,
0:01:05 > 0:01:10there's embarrassment for one patient as a film crew spots him with his stool sample.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21And after successfully walking in a straight line to convince the police he's sober,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24one drink-driver gives the game away as he gets back into his car.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Very good!
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Must try that.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38With Ian is a comedian and actor for whom things are going pretty well at the moment,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40because it's only a few more sleeps until Christmas,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43and he's been a very good boy this year.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Please welcome the unfeasibly young and beautiful Jack Whitehall.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57With Paul is the new host of Countdown
0:01:57 > 0:01:59who previously worked for 21 years for Amstrad,
0:01:59 > 0:02:03making him the only man who thinks the Countdown clock
0:02:03 > 0:02:04is advanced technology.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Please welcome Nick Hewer.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:13And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Ian and Jack, take a look at this.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18This is Britain alone.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Is there a snub coming? It's a big, big story.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25It's finding a solution to the euro crisis.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29That's Nick Clegg. He was on the Andrew Marr Show. He said "under no circumstances" he'd go on,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32and then he did.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35They said they were going to come to a deal, and then they didn't.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- We managed to veto it. - Yes, we did. That's it, yes.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42David Cameron used the British veto during the euro crisis summit.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Does anyone know how the Sun portrayed the PM on its front page on Saturday?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Was it Churchill,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- but without a cigar? - Without a cigar.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Because you're not allowed to smoke now.- No. There he is.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59There was an indication of increasingly frosty relations
0:02:59 > 0:03:02between Britain and France in the body language.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I read about a missed handshake opportunity. Is that it?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09That's not what you do. The missed handshake, because of John Terry,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11means you've done someone's missus.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Wayne Bridge didn't shake John Terry's hand, famously...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Are you suggesting that Mr Cameron
0:03:17 > 0:03:20has had an affair with Carla Bruni?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24If he has had a go on Carla Bruni, for once in my life, respect.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25"Had a go on?"
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- "Had a go on!" - Sorry, "Had a go with."
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Thank you. Thank, Jack(!)
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Let's have a look at the body language used.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Here they are. Sarkozy saying hello to
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Pat Butcher there.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47AUDIENCE: Oooo!
0:03:47 > 0:03:48She just got told.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50It wasn't just body language.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Sarkozy said that Cameron behaved like a "petulant kid,"
0:03:54 > 0:03:55or an "obstinate kid."
0:03:55 > 0:03:59He's a real little man, and so pleased with himself.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03He can look at the French people, square in the face, and say, "That's the sort of chap I am."
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Is it wrong to say Sarkozy
0:04:05 > 0:04:08finds it quite hard to look anybody in the face?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Looks them square in the knee.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Absolutely! Now, all of Europe was fed up with Britain after the summit.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17What did German MP, Alexander Graf Lamsdorff,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19have to say about the row?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- GERMAN ACCENT:- "This time we win."
0:04:22 > 0:04:24He said:
0:04:26 > 0:04:28It is a bit unfair.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31After all, invading Poland wasn't such a brilliant idea,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33but we don't bang on about it, do we?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Yes, we do!
0:04:35 > 0:04:39So, how was Cameron referred to by one French diplomat?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43You've mentioned, obviously, that Sarkozy said he was an "obstinate kid."
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I don't know what that is in French.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- FRENCH ACCENT:- Obstinate kid.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I bow to your greater linguistic skill!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I'm teaching a language course at the moment. Very easy.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- So far, we've had French and German. Impressive.- It's very easy.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00"A man who goes to a wife-swapping party..."
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- FRENCH ACCENT: - "..without taking his wife."
0:05:03 > 0:05:06That's a classic French insult, isn't it?
0:05:06 > 0:05:10And also, I've tried that. They don't even let you in the door.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12It's a definition of optimism.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- Attending a wife-swapping party? - Without a wife.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17You been to lots of those, Nick?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- No...- That's how we met, isn't it? Do you remember?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I'm having a little stab at it, though.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- It is an optimistic thing to do. - I remember that as well.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- Do we know what Cameron said when this was hurled at him? - What, "grow up?"
0:05:32 > 0:05:34He said:
0:05:34 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:40He's so non-European, isn't he?
0:05:41 > 0:05:45I think that we're going to see our Prime Minister creeping back
0:05:45 > 0:05:49to Europe for a quiet chat to see if he can't get back in, really.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50- Do you think so?- I think so.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53And furthermore, I've got a little shed in France,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56and I don't want them to burn it down.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58When you say "shed," do you mean...
0:05:58 > 0:05:59How big's your garden?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I've also got...
0:06:05 > 0:06:07..I've also got dual nationality.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10There'll be an Irish Tricolour flying in my garden.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Yeah, I'm half Irish as well.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Do you have an Irish passport?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15No, I don't, no.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Travel on an Irish passport. - It's much easier, isn't it?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- You're welcome everywhere. - Yeah, brilliant.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Yeah, I might get one.- Get one.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I'll be back in about an hour.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30So, Friday morning, go through the chronology of this.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Friday morning, Nick Clegg gets a call.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36And says, "Yes, there was no other option. We had to use the veto."
0:06:36 > 0:06:39By Sunday, he's "bitterly disappointed."
0:06:39 > 0:06:42What's happened in that three days?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44We should hear from the horse's mouth.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49This is Nick Clegg talking to Andrew Marr about that fated incident.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Can I ask you, during those nine hours of negotiation late into the night,
0:06:53 > 0:06:57at any point, did the Prime Minister call you and speak to you about it directly?
0:06:57 > 0:07:01I spoke to the Prime Minister after the summit was concluded, of course.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03So not during the negotiations themselves?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Of course not. He was locked in a nocturnal negotiation.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I was locked in my flat in Sheffield.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15So he's been "locked in his flat in Sheffield,"
0:07:15 > 0:07:19but in case we're worried as to exactly what happened, thankfully,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Channel 4 News staged a reconstruction of what happened that evening.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Fantastic!
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Early that morning, Mr Clegg was in his Sheffield constituency.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28PHONE RINGS
0:07:30 > 0:07:35He had approved the government's negotiating position for the European summit,
0:07:35 > 0:07:39but at 4am, he was woken by a call from Brussels.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Hello?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50What?!
0:07:50 > 0:07:54So somebody said, "We've got an actor, but he doesn't look anything like Nick Clegg."
0:07:54 > 0:07:59"Fine. Put a sheet over his head, and let the foot do the acting."
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Do we know who was Cameron's role model throughout these EU negotiations?
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Enoch Powell.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08It was Enoch Powell who suggested or thought that
0:08:08 > 0:08:10if you spoke with a full bladder, dying to go,
0:08:10 > 0:08:14that you gave your words a sense of urgency,
0:08:14 > 0:08:18and apparently Cameron did this, had a full bladder while he was negotiating.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19He was desperate to go to the loo.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22It's true that Enoch Powell actually said:
0:08:28 > 0:08:31That was in his famous "Rivers of Piss" speech.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Umm... what's his name...
0:08:36 > 0:08:38a chap who fibbed over the dossier?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Alastair Campbell?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43He pricked himself with an open paper clip
0:08:43 > 0:08:47all during his examination at the Leveson Inquiry...
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- That's right. - ..to keep him on edge.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51It's a different technique, but yes.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I picked it up from The Ipcress File, where Michael Caine
0:08:54 > 0:08:56does a similar thing with a piece of broken glass
0:08:56 > 0:09:01to stop himself being hypnotised. Mind you, that was a film.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Work of fiction, my lad.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Yeah, well, so was Alastair Campbell.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10So we've done Friday, all through the weekend. Now he's changed his mind.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Nick Clegg goes missing when Cameron comes to the Commons to defend his decision.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Why was that? - I thought that was unfair.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19People were saying, "Nick Clegg wasn't in the House of Commons."
0:09:19 > 0:09:24But, it's fair enough. David Cameron's dry cleaning won't pick itself up.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29He said he didn't turn up because he thought it would be a "distraction."
0:09:29 > 0:09:33And that everyone might laugh at him, which again is one of the few things he got right.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36But he's not a distraction. He's Nick Clegg.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40If David Cameron turned up with Rihanna, I'd probably be looking at Rihanna.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44But Nick Clegg could turn up to the House of Commons, completely naked,
0:09:44 > 0:09:48save for a lit flare in front of his manhood, and I still wouldn't even know who he was.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- But you'd never forget him, though, would you? - No, I wouldn't forget him!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55So, Ed Miliband tries to put Cameron on the spot in Commons,
0:09:55 > 0:09:59and at one point, Miliband told the Speaker, "I haven't finished with him yet."
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- Yes.- How did Cameron and Osborne react to this threat?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Did they go, "Oooooh!"?
0:10:05 > 0:10:10- Make those sort of noises?- I love how childish it is, all of it. A, that he wouldn't sit next to him,
0:10:10 > 0:10:15and then an insult like that, that's like one away from saying,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18"Your mum is so fat, her BMI number is pi."
0:10:21 > 0:10:24You're not writing his speeches, are you?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28It's the Geoffrey Howe sort of argument again,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30being beaten with a dead sheep.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35- An attack by Miliband is a dead mouse, probably.- Really?- Yeah.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Have you met Ed Miliband?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40I have. Tall, arrogant, weak handshake. That's it.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45APPLAUSE
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- And I'm a Labour voter.- Would you have voted for his brother, then?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52I didn't meet the brother, but I met some of the others. Oh, dear.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59I met Diane Abbott. Did a bit of lightweight TV researching
0:10:59 > 0:11:01for a pal of mine. He said she was terrible.
0:11:01 > 0:11:07- There was the bully - what's his name?- Ed Balls?- Balls.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- You wouldn't pay him in washers.- No.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15So you met all the Labour candidates? Did they bring you in to vet them all?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17No. Over the years I've met them.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- I've never met Burnham. Is it Burnham?- Burnham.- Andy Burnham.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Don't know who he is.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29I'm afraid we need a new raft of them, because that...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31They're dead in the water.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Is your main criteria for leadership a strong handshake?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38I think... < You'd vote Abu Hamza.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43That's a VERY strong handshake!
0:11:43 > 0:11:49- Draws blood.- You know somebody if they've got it, and he ain't got it.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Right.- Have you seen anyone who HAS got it on the contemporary scene?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55No. That's the tragedy.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57What about Little Mix?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03So the Daily Mail have accused the BBC of not being impartial,
0:12:03 > 0:12:08and the Mail's impartial lead story on the front page of their paper read as follows:
0:12:17 > 0:12:20The Daily Mail are writing stuff like that, cos they must feel weird
0:12:20 > 0:12:22cos there's nothing to hate about.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26There's all this anti-European stuff going round, they don't know what to do.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Jan Moir's probably sat at her desk
0:12:28 > 0:12:32praying that Elton John dies in suspicious circumstances.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39He just needs to die - she'll manufacture the suspicious circumstances!
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- One thing's for sure, come Eurovision Song Contest, we're screwed.- Yeah.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48They hated us as it was,
0:12:48 > 0:12:53and now we could resurrect the Beatles and send them, we'd still get nul points!
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- Is that such a bad thing?- I do like the Eurovision Song Contest.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01I get annoyed cos they always say it's political as well.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Now it'll get even more so. I reckon we just go tough on them.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Moldova say, "We're only sending you two points this year."
0:13:07 > 0:13:10"Well, fine, we're sending you two of them Tomahawk missiles."
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Just as soon as we find out where the hell you are.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- I went to Moldova once.- Oh, yes?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21APPLAUSE
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Moldova is the place
0:13:23 > 0:13:28where the Terylene eiderdown that slips off the bed still exists.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- You know those terrible things? - I thought you were being nostalgic!
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- You put the eiderdown on, and it goes straight onto the floor. - Even that doesn't want to be there.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Politics as normal goes on. We catch up with Adam Werritty. Do you remember Adam Werritty?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- He was Dr Fox's friend. - He gave an interview to the Spectator this week.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Amongst other things, we found out what his plans are for New Year's Eve.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- He's going to spend it with the Foxes.- Yes, he is!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54They're very forgiving.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Is he a friend of Dr Fox's, like William Hague had that friend?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02You should have a chat to our lawyer about that one!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07How do you spell innuendo?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10You're doing Countdown, you should brush up on these things.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17Don't talk to me about that. I see all these letters...
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I think, "Oh, my God,"
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- and I get "cat."- Yes.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28And then some kid says, "Cataclysmic."
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Yeah. There's only nine letters, isn't there?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I don't know.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Yes, he is indeed. He's going to be round at the Foxes'.
0:14:37 > 0:14:43It's just staggering how naive some of these senior politicians can be.
0:14:43 > 0:14:49Staggering. And then Cameron brings in Coulson into Number Ten.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52The sort of bloke you wouldn't have in the house.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54APPLAUSE
0:14:58 > 0:15:02If you saw him come up the drive, you'd hide behind the curtains.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04You'd set the dog on him.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Samantha Cameron was spotted shopping this week.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Does anyone know where she went to make purchases?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14She went to IKEA. This was an austerity bid, wasn't it?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17She bought some flat-packs, and we're meant to believe
0:15:17 > 0:15:20that her and David lay them all out and count the number of screws,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23and say, "Look, there's one missing there."
0:15:23 > 0:15:28- There's pictures of her, she's posed.- It was a set-up!- Of course!
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Because they've just spent 80,000 quid on curtains or something,
0:15:32 > 0:15:36and someone said, "Get down to IKEA and make it look as though you're like the rest of us."
0:15:36 > 0:15:38You're so cynical, Nick!
0:15:38 > 0:15:44- You're going to tell us some of those apprentices are really quite good!- They are!
0:15:44 > 0:15:46They're not, you know!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- I'll die for them!- Would you?
0:15:54 > 0:15:59Is it cos Sweden's one of the few countries that are with us
0:15:59 > 0:16:01with this whole anti-Europe thing?
0:16:01 > 0:16:06So, trying to keep them sweet, going to IKEA, buying up a bit of that. Thinking.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- Thinking ahead. 12 points coming our way!- Yes, get in!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12APPLAUSE
0:16:12 > 0:16:16But it wasn't all doom and gloom. On a positive note,
0:16:16 > 0:16:20this is what Andrew Neil was doing on his politics show this week.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25We leave you with news that the music for the 2012 opening ceremony
0:16:25 > 0:16:30will be overseen by a techno-rave outfit called Underworld,
0:16:30 > 0:16:34who famously provided the soundtrack to Trainspotting.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39Remember that? That was a gutter story of illegal drug-taking
0:16:39 > 0:16:41on an Olympic scale.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Nighty-night.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Don't let the performance-enhancing substances bite.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50MUSIC: "Born Slippy" by Underworld
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Oh, no!
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Nurse! Nurse! Make them stop!
0:17:15 > 0:17:17NICK: Extraordinary.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- My wife used to go out with him. - What?!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24APPLAUSE
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- She did? She really did? - Yeah, when they were kids.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33She said he was good-looking in those days.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Jack, do you find a lot of kids busting out some of those moves at the clubs?
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- Yeah, that one, that's a classic.- Is it?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- Yeah, I'm always doing that in the clubs.- And what's this one about?
0:17:45 > 0:17:50- Are you making some sort of pudding?- You're mixing the...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Pudding!- No, no, mixing the discs. - Oh, right.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- Playing the tracks, you know, hip-hop, R&B.- What's this, then?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- That's if you're hard of hearing. - Oh, right.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04This is David Cameron's Christmas bonus for the bankers,
0:18:04 > 0:18:09with his brave refusal to allow Europe to make them pay for the mess they've caused.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Not that we're taking sides. When asked about Nick Clegg's
0:18:12 > 0:18:15conspicuous absence in the House of Commons, David Cameron replied:
0:18:17 > 0:18:19He should never have let him off the lead.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22It's only a matter of time before there's a YouTube video
0:18:22 > 0:18:25of Cameron in Richmond Park, shouting,
0:18:25 > 0:18:30"Cleggy! Cleggy! Jesus Christ! Cleggy!"
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Party leaders sent out their Christmas cards.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Nick Clegg's card depicted himself as a snowman.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43An appropriate choice, as he won't last beyond January either.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Paul and Nick, take a look at this.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Scandalous. These are glove puppets we're looking at.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Those are small children inside.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55There's the lovely David Attenborough, with a bee on his finger.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- That's a bogey.- Is it?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01When you said that, the Director General of the BBC came up. Was that deliberate?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04What happened was that it's impossible to get footage
0:19:04 > 0:19:07of newly-born cubs in the den with the polar bear
0:19:07 > 0:19:10because the polar bear would kill the cameraman or the cubs,
0:19:10 > 0:19:15so they had a shot of a polar bear and some cubs in a specially built shelter
0:19:15 > 0:19:19that had been built in a Dutch wildlife park, and used that material.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Some people said they felt cheated by this. There were 32 people.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27In the age of Twitter, 32 people complained, out of 8 million that watched Frozen Planet.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32And one who complained was the polar bear. He said, "He was nowhere near me, I didn't see any cameras."
0:19:32 > 0:19:34INDISTINCT
0:19:34 > 0:19:40- Last thing you want to do is sneak up on a polar beer with its cubs.- No.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I've seen human women giving birth get pretty annoyed.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45A polar beer, I imagine, would be apoplectic.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47I was a bit disappointed.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50He said afterwards, "We're making movies!"
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I thought, "No, you're making a documentary,"
0:19:52 > 0:19:56and the point of that is that they've gone to the wild and filmed that.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58If I found out that crocodile had jumped up
0:19:58 > 0:20:01and attacked the wildebeest crossing the river,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04and they said, "Oh, that was in Scunthorpe,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- "we did that in a zoo..." - You wouldn't be disappointed
0:20:07 > 0:20:10to find that happened in Scunthorpe. You'd be intrigued.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I'd be thrilled, you're right.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- That Nick Clegg thing there, which I believe totally...- Yeah.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I thought he was in bed.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25I thought the phone was going, and I would have been disappointed,
0:20:25 > 0:20:29but luckily they put "reconstruction" at the bottom.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- Makes you wonder about the moon landings.- Exactly.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I'm with Mr Merton.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Are you?- I know you are, you're sitting over there.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Not least because my wife comes from Scunthorpe.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Yes, exactly.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49And that's where she met Andrew Neil - in a wildlife park, wasn't it?
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- This is the piece of footage that we're arguing about.- Yes.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01On these side slopes, beneath the snow, new lives are beginning.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17The cubs are born blind and tiny.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22An early birth is easier on the mother, who is barely awake.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- And in the Netherlands!- Yes!
0:21:24 > 0:21:29A polar bear is a polar bear. People are reacting like they've talced a cat.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31LAUGHTER
0:21:31 > 0:21:33It's not a big deal, but he did say,
0:21:33 > 0:21:38- "on these slopes, beneath the ice..."- That's what you would see if you were there.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41He could have said, "This is what you would have seen."
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I know I'm making a less interesting documentary in my head.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Yes, at least you're watching it!- Yeah.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52So Sir David Attenborough was voted Britain's what five years ago?
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- Most trusted man.- He was. Which is odd as now we know
0:21:56 > 0:21:58he's a pathological liar.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03One online commentator has said this to the BBC:
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Do you know what the bears involved in the scandal are up to now?
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- They've got a few adverts. - Glaciers mints, yeah.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Huggies, the mother, she's had more babies.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25One of the cubs in the programme has his own show
0:22:25 > 0:22:28at a wildlife park in Inverness in Scotland.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32And the other cub is doing fine as well.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:22:35 > 0:22:38David Attenborough made it into soup.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42"This delicious bear!"
0:22:44 > 0:22:48People love accusing shows of being fake.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Loads of people do it with The Only Way Is Essex.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53You see them going, "It's scripted." It's not scripted.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57If it was scripted it would mean the people in it would have to read.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- You don't think Made In Chelsea's fake as well, do you?- What?!
0:23:05 > 0:23:10- Just checking.- What else in the animal kingdom have the BBC faked pictures of?
0:23:10 > 0:23:15- Bagpuss on safari!- You cynic! Think of the scariest animal in the world.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16JACK: Rastamouse.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22It's the goliath tarantula.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- It's the size of a dinner plate. - That's handy!
0:23:26 > 0:23:27LAUGHTER
0:23:27 > 0:23:28What do they taste like?
0:23:28 > 0:23:33In Human Planet the BBC showed footage of Venezuelan boys
0:23:33 > 0:23:36hunting one, although according to the Mirror:
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Deadliest animal on the planet is the human being.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43A teacher said that to me, and the deadliest weapon is the human mind.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46That's not right - Stephen Hawking is clever,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48but put him with a shark, my money's on the shark.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55You've just given Channel 5 their next game show.
0:23:56 > 0:24:03What did Mark Thompson attribute the newspaper fury about the Pandas to?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05He said it was revenge for Leveson,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08cos the BBC's been saying the papers have behaved badly
0:24:08 > 0:24:10and they've been keen to find something
0:24:10 > 0:24:11where the BBC's behaved badly.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13And kill two birds with one stone,
0:24:13 > 0:24:18because Hugh Grant is the father of the cub, so...
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- I missed that bit of the evidence. - It was on the website.- Oh!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24APPLAUSE
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Mark Thompson did wonder:
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Back at the press inquiries, what was handed to the Select Committee inquiry into phone hacking?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Was this the e-mail to James Murdoch which he didn't read?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- Yes.- He said he received it and it said, "There's loads of reporters
0:24:41 > 0:24:43"hacking people,"
0:24:43 > 0:24:44but he didn't get that far.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46When you're chief executive
0:24:46 > 0:24:51of a company and the lawyer writes to you and says there's trouble, you don't read it(!)
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- No. It was the weekend, as he said.- Saturday.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- He can't work seven days a week. - Give the guy a break.
0:24:57 > 0:25:03I don't think if he'd been in front of you on The Apprentice he'd have got anywhere.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05He's in trouble now.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Squirmy, squirmy. LAUGHTER
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Even if he said he's tried really hard to run the company
0:25:18 > 0:25:20properly you wouldn't have it, would you?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- No.- He's done for.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Did you notice the way that the Times reported that?
0:25:28 > 0:25:32- The Times was quite keen.- And the Independent did it so different.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- How interesting.- Hmm.
0:25:34 > 0:25:40Actually, I'm slightly adrift, because it was the Mulcaire story that was reported so differently.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43That story the Times did actually run.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46The Times trumpeted the fact that it couldn't have been Mulcaire
0:25:46 > 0:25:48deleting Milly Dowler's voice messages
0:25:48 > 0:25:51because he wasn't brought onto the scene until afterwards.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52They hacked the phone.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55They're arguing about who's responsible for the messages
0:25:55 > 0:25:57falling off and whether they fell off automatically.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00No-one seems to know. They got the phone company involved saying,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02"Did they?" and no-one can remember.
0:26:02 > 0:26:08- The company's gone bust. Technology's older than Amstrad. - Here!- I know, but it is.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11You are going to get a strongly-worded fax about that.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:17 > 0:26:21I think the Leveson Inquiry would be so much better if it was
0:26:21 > 0:26:25conducted by Nick and Alan Sugar. Them sat there,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Nick giving the death stare eyes, that cold gaze.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Alan Sugar wagging the finger shouting at them
0:26:30 > 0:26:33and Karren Brady could patronise them.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35That's a bit unfair.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40"She's very sharp," he said, covering his arse.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER
0:26:45 > 0:26:48This is the news that the BBC didn't send a cameraman into
0:26:48 > 0:26:51minus 60 degrees to poke a long pole with a camera attached
0:26:51 > 0:26:54into a polar bear den, endangering their life
0:26:54 > 0:26:57and the lives of the polar bears.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Not that we're taking sides. The row has damaged the reputation
0:27:00 > 0:27:02of the BBC, but that will be nothing compared
0:27:02 > 0:27:06to the scandal when ITV viewers find out those aren't real meerkats.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Also this week, the infamous News Of The World reporter
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Mazher Mahmood has been giving evidence to the Leveson Inquiry.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17During his tabloid career he entrapped dozens of celebrities by dressing up as a:
0:27:18 > 0:27:20He is still in work,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23dressing up as a polar bear for BBC documentaries.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28Now, Round Two, the Large Hadron Collider of news.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32We fire high-speed news particles at each other and analyse the results.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Buzz in when you know what it is.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37BUZZER
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- OK, Paul and Nick? - That's the Hadron Collider.- Yes.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47It's this Higgs boson particle,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50which... I don't understand it, not many people do.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53They have an idea it's in the vicinity.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55They're not sure exactly where it is.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57They know roughly where it is.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59They're hoping it will emerge next year.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- In a flat in Sheffield?- Yeah.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06I read that it was millions of pounds worth of technology and cameras,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10loads of flashing lights, but all focused on microscopic potential.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12A bit like X Factor.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17The Times says the scientists have had:
0:28:19 > 0:28:21What is the indication? What is it?
0:28:21 > 0:28:28Is it a disembodied voice? "I am the Higgs boson, you cannot find me."
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Why was that Swedish?
0:28:31 > 0:28:33They use a particular analogy.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36It's an analogy between Margaret Thatcher and the Higgs boson.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40I know, I see your horror there. This is used by scientists. It says:
0:28:52 > 0:28:55This is obviously pre-Eric Pickles.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58LAUGHTER
0:29:02 > 0:29:06What happens next is a rumour is started and passes
0:29:06 > 0:29:08through the room:
0:29:15 > 0:29:18I don't understand it!
0:29:18 > 0:29:20I went to a party where she was once.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24- Yes!- Was she carrying a lot of mass at the time?
0:29:24 > 0:29:26- A big handbag.- That will be it.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31If you don't understand this, we've got Professor Steve Jones,
0:29:31 > 0:29:34one of the Telegraph's science correspondents.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36What he had to say on the subject on Wednesday:
0:29:41 > 0:29:44- That's good.- Yeah. - That's refreshing.- Reassuring(!)
0:29:44 > 0:29:48Don't worry. If you don't understand it, they've released some footage that'll clear it all up.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52It's like trying to get out of Birmingham.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56I hope this isn't a simulation we're watching here.
0:29:56 > 0:29:57It hasn't indicated that it's not.
0:29:57 > 0:30:02- Oh, look, that's real. - It's lovely(!) Look at that!
0:30:02 > 0:30:06This is what would happen if Andrew Neil actually took ecstasy.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09It's like the beginning of Tron, but I'm none the wiser.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13I was chucked out of chemistry - or was it physics? I've no idea.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17I couldn't do chemistry. I was no good at that.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20For some bizarre reason I was doing chemistry A Level.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22God knows why. I managed to write,
0:30:22 > 0:30:24"Lime water turns milky" three times and fell asleep.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27I don't know why lime water turns milky,
0:30:27 > 0:30:30but under certain circumstances you can't stop it.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34It was great coming out of the exam because people were going, "I'm not sure how I did."
0:30:34 > 0:30:37I was completely calm - I knew how I had done.
0:30:37 > 0:30:38I had no worries at all.
0:30:38 > 0:30:42Elsewhere in science, what challenge will Professor Stephen Hawking
0:30:42 > 0:30:44be facing in the new year?
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Is he playing in the Olympic basketball team?
0:30:46 > 0:30:48Fastest lap on Top Gear?
0:30:51 > 0:30:54Radio 4 has asked listeners to submit fiendish questions
0:30:54 > 0:30:58to put to Stephen Hawking in its most cerebral quiz ever.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00A lot of the questions can be seen online.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03- Shall we have a go at a couple? - Why not?
0:31:07 > 0:31:10- Yes.- Yes.- But they'd be behind you.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15It's one of those things you used to get at school.
0:31:15 > 0:31:20"If it takes a man five days to run a bath, how many apples, and a bunch of grapes?" I don't know.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24Ask him. I don't know. Why bother me? I wouldn't know.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Eamonn Holmes.
0:31:30 > 0:31:35At a rate of knots. Constellations are disappearing daily.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37Yeah. Is the correct answer.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41What exam board do you represent again?
0:31:48 > 0:31:50..says the professor very succinctly.
0:31:50 > 0:31:55Fingers on buzzers. Here's another one. Buzz when you know what it is.
0:31:55 > 0:31:56BELL
0:31:56 > 0:31:58- Mr Goodwin.- Yes. - Has he had a leg removed
0:31:58 > 0:32:01for crimes against the state?
0:32:01 > 0:32:06You couldn't get a picture that made you look like more of a wanker.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Banker.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10The Financial Services Authority have produced a report
0:32:10 > 0:32:13on how Royal Bank of Scotland collapsed.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17They've come to the conclusion that it was his fault.
0:32:17 > 0:32:18He tried to buy a Dutch bank.
0:32:18 > 0:32:22Everyone said "Don't buy the bank because they have real problems."
0:32:22 > 0:32:24He said, "No, I think it will work out well."
0:32:24 > 0:32:27The rest of the board said "Good idea.
0:32:27 > 0:32:32"We'll do whatever you say and take the cheque." It went belly up.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36The bank was bailed out by us to the tune of 46 billion quid,
0:32:36 > 0:32:4026,000 people were robbed of their jobs, and it helped to bring the economy to its knees.
0:32:40 > 0:32:44The answer to this would be to ask your old mucker Mr Sugar, would it not, Nick?
0:32:44 > 0:32:48- Lord Sugar.- Lord Sugar. Do you think so?
0:32:48 > 0:32:49What was the question?
0:32:49 > 0:32:52It's like Countdown. Wake up!
0:32:52 > 0:32:56Just because the audience is asleep doesn't mean you can be.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00What a terrible thing to say about the Countdown audience.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Some of them are still alive. Honestly(!)
0:33:03 > 0:33:06I think the answer to all the recession stuff would be to ask
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Nick's old boss Lord Sugar.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11How does this region get out of recession?
0:33:11 > 0:33:12Oh, shit.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14LAUGHTER
0:33:16 > 0:33:21That's when he was a government spokesman. He was meant to help small businesses.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23They caught him off-guard. He wasn't feeling very well.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26He came back and gave a great, full explanation
0:33:26 > 0:33:29of what he should have done. How's that?
0:33:29 > 0:33:31- Yeah(!)- Pretty nauseating.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35Amongst the many people criticised in this report,
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Sir Fred Goodwin copped some flak.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41According to the Mirror, Sir Fred's style could only be described as
0:33:41 > 0:33:45"brutal," with the RBS executive wing known as "the torture chamber,"
0:33:45 > 0:33:48where Goodwin would hold "morning beatings"
0:33:48 > 0:33:52every day at 9.30am to intimidate and humiliate executives.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54- Morning beatings?! - They used to say meetings,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57but terrified employees called them "morning beatings."
0:33:57 > 0:34:01- So he didn't actually physically attack people every morning?- No.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03He's not Max Mosley, for goodness sake.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08You're flirting with danger, aren't you?
0:34:08 > 0:34:11What do we know about his engagement with his employees?
0:34:11 > 0:34:13- He had an affair with one of them. - Yes.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16He took out an injunction to try and stop anyone knowing.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18How did that go?
0:34:18 > 0:34:21I may have just broken it.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23What have pink wafers got to do with all this?
0:34:23 > 0:34:25For people who were employee of the month,
0:34:25 > 0:34:29he would make them eat their own body weight in pink wafers in a dungeon.
0:34:29 > 0:34:33He would fire pink wafers at them through a pneumatic air pistol,
0:34:33 > 0:34:35into their gaping mouth, which was being held open
0:34:35 > 0:34:37by a specially trained monkey.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40- It's close. - LAUGHTER
0:34:40 > 0:34:44Sir Fred once raged at catering staff, in an e-mail entitled:
0:34:47 > 0:34:51- ..after senior executives were served pink wafers. - I think he does have...
0:34:51 > 0:34:54I don't want to agree with Fred "The Shred" Goodwin,
0:34:54 > 0:34:58but the pink wafer is a terribly tricky biscuit to handle. You can't eat it
0:34:58 > 0:35:02and not look really camp, and I struggle, at the best of times, to try and look butch.
0:35:02 > 0:35:07- Don't go near them!- I can't go near a pink wafer. Even if I'm dunking it in a big milky tea
0:35:07 > 0:35:11with 15 sugars, as soon as it comes out, the whole hand transforms.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14I have to stick with something manly, like a bourbon.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17You might as well wear a tiara than eat a wafer.
0:35:17 > 0:35:22What were the tabloids particularly disappointed to learn wasn't relevant to the inquiry?
0:35:22 > 0:35:23His affair.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27- Exactly.- But the inquiry cleared just about everyone of everything.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31- I'll tell you what, Sugar would have got to the bottom of all this. - That's Lord Sugar.
0:35:31 > 0:35:35Lord Sugar. APPLAUSE
0:35:36 > 0:35:40In other banking news, why has an investment banker named Mike had a bad week?
0:35:40 > 0:35:43Something to do with the internet in some way?
0:35:43 > 0:35:45- Yes, that's right. - He e-mailed somebody
0:35:45 > 0:35:48and somebody who shouldn't have got the e-mail read it
0:35:48 > 0:35:51and there was a huge kerfuffle and it ended up on YouTube.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55I've got no idea what I'm talking about. Something like that?
0:35:55 > 0:35:59- Well, Mike's basically gone viral, so you were right about the internet...- Yes.
0:35:59 > 0:36:03..after he wrote a 1,615-word e-mail
0:36:03 > 0:36:06to his date, Lauren, who refused to go on a second date with him.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08According to the Mail:
0:36:18 > 0:36:23So, what examples did Mike give in his e-mail to suggest that he felt led on?
0:36:23 > 0:36:26I don't know, but I'm almost certainly going to be on his side.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29Men generally think that if a woman just looks at them, that's it.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32We're quite simple creatures, really, in that regard.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35- NICK: If their pupils dilate. - That's right.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37- How close are you?!- Yeah.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39And what have you given them?
0:36:39 > 0:36:43- Rohypnol?! - APPLAUSE
0:36:44 > 0:36:45Mike wrote:
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Unless it's armpit hair. That's a way of getting rid of a man.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00He also said:
0:37:13 > 0:37:17How do we suggest that Mike carries things on in this situation?
0:37:17 > 0:37:20- I think probably get out now. - Well, unfortunately,
0:37:20 > 0:37:22he's not taken that hint. He's written:
0:37:34 > 0:37:36He's not very good at hard-to-get, is he?
0:37:36 > 0:37:41- No.- Well, this is the FSA's report into the collapse of RBS. - That was the report?!
0:37:41 > 0:37:43- No! - LAUGHTER
0:37:43 > 0:37:46- They really took their eye off the ball.- Yeah.
0:37:46 > 0:37:51- They didn't really pay attention to what was coming through on the photocopier...- No, it's very bad.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55- Very bad.- All this Mike disguise, that's Sir Fred, isn't it? - Sir Fred has recently separated
0:37:55 > 0:37:58from his wife, and according to the Daily Mail:
0:37:59 > 0:38:02Presumably having sold his granny first.
0:38:02 > 0:38:06Time for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication
0:38:06 > 0:38:11In A Nutshell, the official magazine of the Squirrel Lovers' Club.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14- Like squirrels themselves, it's not often READ. - GROANING
0:38:14 > 0:38:18- Oh, come on. It's the festive season.- That's a good squirrel joke.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21- Yeah.- There aren't many in the world.- We start with:
0:38:24 > 0:38:29To be or not to be a squirrel, that is the question?
0:38:29 > 0:38:32JACK: To have my grandparents for Christmas
0:38:32 > 0:38:35or not to put up with racism for the next ten days.
0:38:35 > 0:38:39- It's the classic yuletide dilemma. - Yeah.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41- Is that true of your grandparents?- Yeah.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Yeah.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45The answer is:
0:38:49 > 0:38:52This is the fierce debate raging amongst squirrel lovers
0:38:52 > 0:38:55currently coursing through the pages of In A Nutshell
0:38:55 > 0:38:58over the best way to feed the cute-looking, bushy-tailed roadkill.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01The same issue also features the following front-page apology.
0:39:13 > 0:39:20And that, News Of The World, is how you do an apology. Next:
0:39:22 > 0:39:24Give a damn.
0:39:24 > 0:39:30Pay tribute to the early jazz pioneer Bix Beiderbecke.
0:39:30 > 0:39:31The answer is:
0:39:34 > 0:39:37This is the star columnist of In A Nutshell, Janet George,
0:39:37 > 0:39:40writing about Twiggy the performing squirrel. Janet also reveals:
0:39:47 > 0:39:50She needs to stay in more. Next:
0:39:54 > 0:39:55There's a train coming.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57It's actually:
0:40:02 > 0:40:04And of course, chuck-chuck-chuff-chuff-chuck
0:40:04 > 0:40:08is also Cilla Black after the Blind Date reunion party.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10And finally:
0:40:14 > 0:40:15I shoved an acorn up me arse.
0:40:20 > 0:40:24The weather's been pretty stormy this week. Here's a response from Scotland.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27- Lord.- Oh, my God! Trampoline!
0:40:27 > 0:40:30Trampoline!
0:40:33 > 0:40:35So, the final scores are
0:40:35 > 0:40:38Paul and Nick have four points,
0:40:38 > 0:40:41- but Ian and Jack have five. - Unbelievable!- Unbelievable.
0:40:41 > 0:40:46SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE
0:40:46 > 0:40:48I'm very grateful.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51I leave you with news that as the funfair comes to Mogadishu,
0:40:51 > 0:40:55it's a productive day on the rifle range for two Somali pirates.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Unions brace themselves as Number Ten unveils a new advisor
0:41:01 > 0:41:03with responsibility for Work And Pensions reform.
0:41:08 > 0:41:13And as an inquiry is set up to investigate alleged faking of BBC wildlife documentaries,
0:41:13 > 0:41:16one key witness agrees to testify as long as she's granted anonymity.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Good night.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:48 > 0:41:51E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk