0:00:26 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44In the news this week...
0:00:44 > 0:00:46In Coventry, a small manufacturing firm
0:00:46 > 0:00:49is boosted by a high-profile customer
0:00:49 > 0:00:52for its new arse elbow separator.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03It's 27 hours into the longest ever final of musical chairs
0:01:03 > 0:01:07and all Britain's exhausted contestant has to do
0:01:07 > 0:01:10to clinch the title of world champion
0:01:10 > 0:01:12is to sit on the chair.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21And after one garden shed burglary too many,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24the Godalming Neighbourhood Watch group get serious.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31With Ian tonight is a comedian
0:01:31 > 0:01:35who says all the people who work at the BBC are really nice.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Really?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39That's odd, all the people I ever work with at the BBC
0:01:39 > 0:01:41tell me they couldn't stand you.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Please welcome Humphrey Ker.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And with Paul tonight is a comedy writer
0:01:50 > 0:01:53who recently created a new version of The Ladykillers,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55where a sweet, innocent old lady
0:01:55 > 0:01:58finds herself surrounded by a gang of misfits.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I know the feeling.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Please welcome Graham Linehan.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:12And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Ian and Humphrey, take a look at this.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20- It's Abu Qatada. - Surrounded by a miasma of hate!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23He's staying to become the next Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27That's the backlog of cases. Yep, you're a mug.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32This was the week where the Government was very keen
0:02:32 > 0:02:35to get back its reputation for competence...
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- and it didn't go so well.- No.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39We announced we were going to get rid of Abu Qatada.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41"He's off on Tuesday."
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Then today we find out, "Oh, we can't,"
0:02:43 > 0:02:45because he's put in an appeal.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49And the Home Office said he's to appeal by Monday night
0:02:49 > 0:02:51and the European Court of Human Rights said,
0:02:51 > 0:02:52"No, it's Tuesday night."
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- No-one appears to have checked. - It's a classic diary error.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57We've all done it.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"Which day is the 17th?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01"Monday, I think."
0:03:01 > 0:03:03"I'll check when I get home."
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Well, a correct answer, actually,
0:03:05 > 0:03:09is when the court officials who've actually set the deadline say it is.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13But I notice his lawyers only put the appeal in
0:03:13 > 0:03:15one hour before the deadline.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18They just love living on the edge.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I imagine it's not a lot of fun being a human rights lawyer.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27You've got to live vicariously when you have the chance!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30What Abu Qatada's done wrong
0:03:30 > 0:03:33is he's not got the right sort of PR behind him.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36If you could make him seem a bit more lovable,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38people might not be quite so keen.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41So, I think get the cockneys to like him first.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- HAVE A BANANA THEME:- # Abu Qatada. #
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Like this.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I'd like to have my own theme tune as well.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Cos I think we should all have one.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54What would yours be?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I'd like to have the sound of broken glass
0:03:56 > 0:04:01followed by a high-pitched female voice saying, "Leave it, Dave, he's not worth it."
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Do you know how Abu Qatada...
0:04:05 > 0:04:06MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME
0:04:06 > 0:04:10..has been described in the press?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13He's been described as Al-Qaeda's top man in Britain.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18The Times describes Qatada as "radical Muslim cleric",
0:04:18 > 0:04:20The Sun as "hate preacher"
0:04:20 > 0:04:22and the Daily Telegraph as...
0:04:22 > 0:04:24"Mr Qatada".
0:04:25 > 0:04:29The Grand Chamber of the European Court of Human Rights
0:04:29 > 0:04:32previously ruled that Abu Qatada couldn't be sent home to Jordan
0:04:32 > 0:04:35as there was a likelihood that evidence obtained by torture
0:04:35 > 0:04:37would be used against him.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38According to The Times,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41the Jordanian government said they would "bend over backwards"
0:04:41 > 0:04:44anyone who accused them of torturing prisoners.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Reassuring, isn't it?
0:04:47 > 0:04:51And what have Labour MPs accused Theresa May of doing?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Not knowing which day of the week it is.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58They've accused her of "dragging her heels".
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Very good.- Yeah, here's some evidence to back it up, guys.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Because of THAT we missed the deadline?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22And meanwhile, what has the Libyan military commander
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Abdel Hakim Belhadj accused Jack Straw of doing?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Sending him after Gaddafi to be tortured.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Yeah, he was basically a gift to Gaddafi.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Blair and Straw needed a present for their favourite dictator.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39You know, maybe they'd get one in return, oil rights or...
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I don't know, a bung when you leave office.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Ha-ha-ha! That won't go in!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Extraordinary accusation there! - Extraordinary!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Suggesting that Mr Blair has made a HUGE amount of money
0:05:51 > 0:05:54since leaving a bloodstained period when he was in charge.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I do hope that doesn't get through(!)
0:05:59 > 0:06:04This man is suing Straw personally and he might win.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08So, we could find out what happened in the Blair years,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10which is quite exciting.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11For some of us.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Well, I've actually had my house extraordinarily rendered.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Or stone clad, as the builder called it.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22The rendition of Belhadj took place
0:06:22 > 0:06:25just before Tony Blair met Gaddafi for the "deal in the desert".
0:06:25 > 0:06:26According to The Sunday Times,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30"He had no recollection of the Belhadj case,"
0:06:30 > 0:06:33and went on to ask, "What war in Iraq?"
0:06:36 > 0:06:37- In other terrorism news...- Yes!
0:06:37 > 0:06:41I'm sorry, we have to plough this furrow a little further -
0:06:41 > 0:06:42- not for long.- I'm all for it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46We'll have a big knob on in a minute.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50What's that?
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Paul, I don't know, I just said "knob" to lighten the atmosphere.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Oh, I see, knob ON. I thought, like, a marathon,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- I thought it was all one word. - Oh, right!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- That was the only way I would watch the Olympics.- What?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- If there was a knob on.- Oh, I see.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08In other terrorism news - I'm not going to do this for long -
0:07:08 > 0:07:11but a Taliban commander has been arrested.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Was this as a result of a complicated undercover operation?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- The answer to that must, surely, be no.- The answer, surely, is no.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Mohammad Ashan walked up to a checkpoint,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25held up a wanted poster bearing his own face
0:07:25 > 0:07:28and demanded the 100 finder's fee.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33That is a CLASSIC mistake.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36He should have held out for 200.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Well, an official declared, "Clearly the man is an imbecile."
0:07:42 > 0:07:43How are we getting on with the noise of the broken glass
0:07:43 > 0:07:46and, "Stop it, Dave, he's not worth it," for my noise?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- How's that coming along? - I don't know, is that coming along?
0:07:50 > 0:07:51No.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Who'd like to see the next President of the World Bank in action?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Yes!- Oh, yeah.- No, I wouldn't.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00His name is Jim Yong Kim
0:08:00 > 0:08:03and Obama has just announced his appointment
0:08:03 > 0:08:05as head of the World Bank.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07It's in safe hands. Here he is.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13# I've had the time of my life
0:08:13 > 0:08:16# And I've never felt this way before
0:08:16 > 0:08:20# And I swear it's the truth
0:08:20 > 0:08:22# And I owe it all to you. #
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Dirty bit!
0:08:25 > 0:08:26DANCE MUSIC
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Half man, half pillar box.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Yeah, look at him, a real banker!- Yeah.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41He's DOWN with the interest rates!
0:08:41 > 0:08:42# This is hot tonight
0:08:42 > 0:08:45# Go, go be green Go, go! #
0:08:45 > 0:08:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- What's he in charge of? - He is in charge of the World Bank.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55He's in charge of all the money?!
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Have you ever done karaoke?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Have I ever done karaoke? Yeah.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05He mimes to the speeches of William Pitt the Younger.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:09 > 0:09:12So Abu Qatada has got his own theme tune.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- Now we've got lined up, for you, what you suggested earlier.- Really?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19What was yours again?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Well, I'd like to hear the sound of a goat doing Frank Sinatra records.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28Singing My Way while being pushed through Swansea in a pram.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Have you got it?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I'd like my theme tune to be a lorry driving through Cornwall.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:41 > 0:09:43On a Wednesday.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Have you got it?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49So this is the latest attempt to deport...
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME - ..Abu Qatada.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Explaining his decision to jail Qatada, the judge said,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"There is a real possibility he will abscond."
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Yes, the last thing we want him to do is leave the country(!)
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Theresa May is looking for ways of speeding up Qatada's extradition
0:10:10 > 0:10:12and says she will be
0:10:12 > 0:10:16"examining the processes and procedures used in Italy",
0:10:16 > 0:10:17where they're much tougher -
0:10:17 > 0:10:21any trouble and you're on the first cruise ship out of there.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Talking about his past, The Sun found a school friend
0:10:25 > 0:10:28who told them Qatada was a normal young man.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32He was interested in girls and listened to Pink Floyd.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34So very normal, except with him
0:10:34 > 0:10:36the girls got stoned AFTER they listened to Pink Floyd.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:10:41 > 0:10:45This week also saw fresh revelations about the life of Osama Bin Laden.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47According to one of his former mistresses,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49he spent much of his spare time
0:10:49 > 0:10:53"smoking cannabis and listening to The B-52s"...
0:10:53 > 0:10:56as they droned overhead looking for him.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Paul and Graham, take a look at this...
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Oh, this is obviously 100 days to go.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04These are a lot of visitors at the Olympic Stadium. There we are.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06"What the bloody hell's going on here?"
0:11:06 > 0:11:09That's a very bad camera that's been used by the BBC.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10You can't quite see what's happened.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Yes, this is the Olympic Games - 100 days to go, 98 days to go,
0:11:13 > 0:11:1897 days to go or, if you're watching on Dave, three years ago.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22And what an extraordinary Games they turned out to be.
0:11:22 > 0:11:27So, yeah, this is the news that it's not long till the Olympics,
0:11:27 > 0:11:28or as it's known in The Independent,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31"The £11 billion tax-funded advertising campaign
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"for some of the world's worst companies."
0:11:34 > 0:11:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Does anyone know why that VT was pixellated at the end?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Because they... Don't they hire people to go around and, erm...
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Oh, it's something to do with... Oh, I don't know. I wish I'd...
0:11:50 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- It's copyright, isn't it? - That's right...- Almost everything.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59So, beneath that pixellating I think there are the Olympic rings.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Yeah...- In some cultures are the rings considered pornographic?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I think that's what's under there. They look like rings.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- Are you going to unpixellate it in an act of daring? - I'm not allowed to.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13If I did I would get sent to Jordan with...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME
0:12:16 > 0:12:19No, the VT's pixellated
0:12:19 > 0:12:21because we're not allowed to show the Olympic logo
0:12:21 > 0:12:23because it comes under the remit of two acts of Parliament
0:12:23 > 0:12:27preventing misuse of Olympic logos.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Well, I mean, we could have got permission
0:12:28 > 0:12:33but I'd have had to have jumped through all sorts of hoops.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35It was very heavily policed in China, wasn't it?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Didn't they go into the toilets
0:12:37 > 0:12:39and if you get one of those hand dryers
0:12:39 > 0:12:42they have to put sticky tape over the name of the company
0:12:42 > 0:12:45who do the hand dryers?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48They're actually going to be doing that here, yes.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50In the toilets, soap dispensers, wash basins...
0:12:50 > 0:12:54And you're allowed take in any drink or product that isn't sponsored,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57which will be tough for the Queen, isn't it?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Why?- She's brand. - Oh, I see what you mean.- A brand.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04I thought you meant she liked a McDonald's burger, or something.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08She's having a full Adidas tracksuit run up as we speak.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Also, the athletes aren't allowed to tweet.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13There's, like, really hardcore guidelines
0:13:13 > 0:13:16about what they're allowed to say on the internet about what they're doing.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Like, they can't say, "Oh, I'm so thirsty, I love water."
0:13:19 > 0:13:23It has to be like, "I love super action mega water!"
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Also, isn't there something about local businesses?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Like the Olympic Kebab Grill, or something,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31that's been forced to change its name in case people think,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35"Oh, I wonder if that's the official kebab shop of the Olympic Games?"
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Absolutely. The Olympic Cafe in Stratford
0:13:38 > 0:13:42was told he couldn't call his restaurant Cafe Olympic
0:13:42 > 0:13:43and he'd have to change the sign.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Now, it would have cost him three grand to change it.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49So, according to the Newham Recorder...
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- That's very good. - Well, he's painted the O out.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07So if you have trouble finding it, the Cafe Olympic is excellent value
0:14:07 > 0:14:12and it's at...
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- Now there's...- Do you have to book?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17You probably do now.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21There are all sorts of restrictions about words you can and can't use
0:14:21 > 0:14:23to do with the Olympics,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26but have you noticed how else language is being manipulated?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- The British team is known as Team GB, is that right?- That's right.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32It's the naming of teams, really.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37In the same way that the English Sport Council is now Sport England
0:14:37 > 0:14:40and these, of course, are all slogans dreamt up by...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Wankers Marketing.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Little Chef were told
0:14:45 > 0:14:48they should consider changing the name of their Olympic breakfast.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49No, really?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Yes, as it was "unhelpful" to the 2012 Olympics.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Quite unhelpful describing it as breakfast!
0:14:55 > 0:14:56There it is.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Look, that's a magnificent effort by the British runner!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, sausage, potatoes and beans -
0:15:01 > 0:15:04or as I call it, the modern heptathlon!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Er, what about Sheikh Nasser bin Hamad Al Khalifa?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13He's been invited to the opening ceremony, what's he done?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- Is he the man in charge of Bahrain? - He is indeed.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Yes, I expect he's been invited.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21See if he can liven up the opening ceremony with a baton charge!
0:15:23 > 0:15:24I'd certainly watch that!
0:15:24 > 0:15:28"What this party needs is some tear gas, you know?"
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Do you know who will be unable to accept his invitation
0:15:31 > 0:15:32to the opening ceremony?
0:15:32 > 0:15:33It's me.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- Ah.- Ah.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I'm going to be washing my hair!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Does that take all day?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I've no... Who can't come?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- The Who's drummer, Keith Moon. - Oh, yes.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50His manager was asked by the opening ceremony organisers
0:15:50 > 0:15:54if he would take part in a reunion with the other members of the band,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56despite having been dead for 34 years!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Hasn't stopped The Rolling Stones!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Wouldn't put it past Keith, though.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Did you see that documentary where he was so out of it
0:16:06 > 0:16:08that he was playing the drums
0:16:08 > 0:16:12and he just starts kind of nodding, starts nodding off.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15And a roadie had to crawl onto the stage
0:16:15 > 0:16:20and inject his heel with amphetamines and he just kind of went...
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Came back to life!
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Like the rabbit with the long-lasting battery.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32They've also announced the Olympic motto. Do you know what it is?
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- "Inspire a generation." - It is. Indeed.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Unfortunately, "Reassuringly expensive" was already taken.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44BBC coverage of the Olympics will no longer include what?
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Rings.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Well, sadly, the coverage of the Olympics
0:16:49 > 0:16:53will no longer include Ceefax, which was shut down this week.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Are you going to miss it, people?
0:16:55 > 0:16:56- ALL RESPOND DREARILY:- Yes.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59GRAHAM: I found out... LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Do you want somewhere warm to stay for the night?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I found out that Diana died on Ceefax.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I still don't know how she died
0:17:09 > 0:17:11because the second page hasn't loaded yet.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17In other sporting news,
0:17:17 > 0:17:19which internationally-respected world leader
0:17:19 > 0:17:21will be in Aldershot this summer?
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Is it the Dalai Lama?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24It is indeed, yes.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Is he going to Aldershot to check out the firing ranges there?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Yeah, he's had a change of heart!
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Erm, he'll be visiting the large Buddhist community of Gurkhas,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35actually, at the military base,
0:17:35 > 0:17:39when he will bless the pitch of lowly Aldershot Town,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41who are struggling in League Two,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44and where you can often hear the sound of one hand clapping!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49If you thought that was a bad Buddhist joke, watch this one.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52So, the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54HE SPEAKS TO A TRANSLATOR
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Pizza?- Pizza shop, yes. - Yeah, pizza shop,
0:17:57 > 0:18:01and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"
0:18:04 > 0:18:05HE MUTTERS
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Oh, yes.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Do you know what I mean?
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Can you make me... one with everything?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Oh.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22INDISTINCT
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Oh, I knew that wouldn't work.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32He thinks he didn't understand it. He understood it!
0:18:33 > 0:18:37This is the marking of 100 days to go till the Olympics start.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41And even more excitingly, 116 till it's all over.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45And then we can sit back and enjoy the hundreds of years of legacy,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48which is Lord Coe's fancy word for debt.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54The closing ceremony will feature songs which represent
0:18:54 > 0:18:58different eras of British music. According to The Independent...
0:19:02 > 0:19:06..as it clashes with the filming of Johnny Rotten's latest butter advert.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11And so to round two. It's a welcome return to the picture spin quiz.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17BUZZER
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- That's Pippa Middleton, with a gun. - HUMPHREY: So it is.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25She's not the one holding the gun, though.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28A nicely-focused picture for someone that's about to be shot.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Hmm. Yeah.- The name's Middleton. - Was this in Paris?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34We presume it's a mock gun.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36It's unclear, because someone in the car
0:19:36 > 0:19:40worked for the gun manufacturing company called Heckler & Koch.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Heckler & Koch?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46LAUGHTER
0:19:46 > 0:19:49That sounds like a rather rough vasectomy clinic.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56I actually had an experience like that at The Comedy Store.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- Yeah. You couldn't go back on for the second half, could you?- No.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04At the weekend, this was considered slightly distasteful,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07given the recent events in France.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09He got this gun out from the glove compartment
0:20:09 > 0:20:12while they were driving around and then waved it at the paparazzi.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15It was a sort of good-humoured threat.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16"You might die."
0:20:16 > 0:20:20What could the punishment be if the gun turns out to be real?
0:20:20 > 0:20:26- Seven years.- Seven years in prison for all parties involved. - What, everyone in the car?!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Yeah.- Really?!- Ooh, you're looking really chirpy now.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36- "Really?!"- That would be a first. We'd have to extradite Pippa.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Apparently, the police have been ordered to
0:20:40 > 0:20:47downscale the investigation after an intervention from London.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51The case is being dealt with at, according to the Express...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55So, way over Sarkozy's head, then.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01This is the news that Pippa Middleton
0:21:01 > 0:21:06has been driving through Paris with a French playboy brandishing a gun.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08So now it's Pippa's turn to be upstaged by an arse.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Kate and Pippa's brother James has also been revealed
0:21:15 > 0:21:17to be running a saucy cake business.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20He insists he's a self-made man and recently said...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Well, he clearly knows nothing about cakes, then.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Speaking of cakes,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30the Swedish culture minister was in trouble this week
0:21:30 > 0:21:34after being photographed cutting into an allegedly racist cake.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40The cake was designed to highlight the abuse of women...
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Honestly, even Mr Kipling stopped making those in the 1970s.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56BUZZER
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Somebody has invented a TV channel for dogs.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Dogs have nothing to do and you think,
0:22:00 > 0:22:03"I wish that dog could watch a TV programme devoted to what dogs like,"
0:22:03 > 0:22:07and somebody's done it. It's dogs looking at pictures of other dogs, balls being chased,
0:22:07 > 0:22:11sticks being thrown across rivers, loads of trees,
0:22:11 > 0:22:13dogs just look at it and dogs are happy.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It's DOGTV all the way.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17It is indeed.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19APPLAUSE
0:22:20 > 0:22:23According to Sky News, DOGTV is an eight-hour block
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- of on-demand cable TV programming... - On demand by who?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30A Labrador insists on watching Gone With The Wind?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Before launching the channel,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36scientists conducted HUNDREDS of hours of research
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- into what dogs like to see and hear. - Yes.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Any idea what they might have concluded?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45They're fond of David Dimbleby, particularly Jack Russells.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47They like him very much.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51But the smaller the dog, the more they lean towards Andrew Marr.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I must say this about Andrew Marr, I've said it before,
0:22:55 > 0:22:57so if you've heard it, ignore me,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59but I love... There was a description of Andrew Marr that said
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Andrew Marr looks like Martin Clunes with some of the air let out of him.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Any idea what programmes will appear on DOGTV?
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Yes, a load of made-up programmes with dog puns in the title.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Here's two. Britain's Got Lampposts.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Britain's Got Lampposts?- All right!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Sorry!- Are these real? - No, they're not.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- What about Down Boy Abbey? - Yeah, that's good.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Now, what should you do on your first DOGTV viewing,
0:23:32 > 0:23:33according to the website?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Introduce your dog to the idea
0:23:35 > 0:23:38that you have wasted an awful lot of money on this dog channel
0:23:38 > 0:23:42and try and explain to the dog why you are superior being to it.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Yes, not far off. It says...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58A few hours?! Right.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02In other animal news, what's been ruining bees' dancing?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04The wrong choreography.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- Is this pesticides? - No. It's gravity.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- Gravity?- Yes.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14According to scientists at the University of Sussex,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17it is playing havoc with bees' waggle runs.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Has gravity suddenly been introduced to the bee community?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22They have not noticed it before?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- But do you know what a waggle run is, Ian? - No, but I know what gravity is.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29It's slightly more important, I would have thought.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Has gravity suddenly arrived? I thought we'd had it for centuries!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- It's gone up!- What happened to the bloke and the apple.- Isaac Newton?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39The bloke with the apple? You went to Oxford and that's it?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Isaac Newton, the bloke with the apple?
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Yeah. I am trying to make this programme accessible.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54The dog channel takes its responsibilities very seriously.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Only after the 9pm watershed does it show any bottom-sniffing.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04OK. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11BUZZER
0:25:11 > 0:25:14HUMPHREY: It's Kim Jong-Un and his failed rocket test.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15It is indeed.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19I thought they'd let it off because it is 100 days to go until the Olympics.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Is that their entry for the javelin?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26And why was the timing particularly bad
0:25:26 > 0:25:29for North Korean ruler Kim Jong-Un?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Well, it's bad news. He's just got the job as leader
0:25:32 > 0:25:34of the world's most lunatic country
0:25:34 > 0:25:37and his job is to prove that things work.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41The first thing he does is light this thing which is fired from a bottle,
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- it goes up in the air and then comes down again and blows up. - That's right.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Normally, nobody would have known about it,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50but for the fact that they let Western journalists in,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52so when it went wrong,
0:25:52 > 0:25:56he couldn't pretend to his people that it had worked.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59They could have just called it a ground-to-sea missile.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Worked perfectly!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03According to The Sun, North Korea...
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Which it wasn't, but it was a threat to the West of North Korea.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Did the journalists get to see anything else in North Korea?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- There was some fantastic marching. - Oh, yeah.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- You haven't got that, have you?- OK.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27And here we go, then, with goose-stepping footage.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- Fantastic!- Imagine that coming down Streatham High Street.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43They could do with that down Streatham High Street.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Do you know that Streatham High Road was voted
0:26:46 > 0:26:49the most horrible road in the entire country?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- Was it really? - Do you live in Streatham?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- I pass through there occasionally. - Don't!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Don't even pass through there.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Sorry, is anyone from Streatham here?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Not a soul. It's a shithole, everyone.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06This is North Korea's failed rocket launch.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11North Korean authorities claimed the rocket was for space exploration,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13and it was in fact carrying a dog,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16but only because the chief scientist had left his lunch on board.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23It's easy to feel sorry for the people of South Korea
0:27:23 > 0:27:27sharing its northern border with a belligerent, chippy, angry nation
0:27:27 > 0:27:29with their laughable overweight leader,
0:27:29 > 0:27:31much like us and Scotland.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38BUZZER
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I know this one. This is a town in Austria that has an unfortunate name.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44That asterisk and that upside-down letter
0:27:44 > 0:27:47should give you some idea what it is.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51So this is the Austrian village which is holding a vote this week
0:27:51 > 0:27:53on whether to change its name.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Do you know what's prompted the name change?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Is it that the name is BLEEP?
0:28:03 > 0:28:07It only became a problem during the Second World War
0:28:07 > 0:28:11when American soldiers came in and started giggling all the time.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Apparently, some traditionalists want the 16th-century name
0:28:14 > 0:28:19for the village reinstated, which was Fugging.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21And what's the potential problem with a name change?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23GRAHAM: I don't fugging know.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30According to the mayor, Franz Meindl...
0:28:37 > 0:28:39APPLAUSE
0:28:40 > 0:28:43In other small village news, how has Peter Burton been
0:28:43 > 0:28:47rubbing the residents of Ireby in Lancashire up the wrong way?
0:28:48 > 0:28:50He has...
0:28:53 > 0:28:57And he's now telling residents not to park on the street
0:28:57 > 0:28:59and to keep their driveways tidy.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01You can buy titles for
0:29:01 > 0:29:03such a small amount of money these days, can't you? £30.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06I thought it was £250,000 and dinner with Cameron.
0:29:08 > 0:29:13So the villagers have challenged the right of Peter Burton to be
0:29:13 > 0:29:15the Lord of the Manor. Did they win?
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Yes, I believe they did.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20Well, his right to use this ridiculous name was
0:29:20 > 0:29:24overturned by a land registry official, Mr Brilliant.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30Made director of a load of companies just on the basis of your name.
0:29:30 > 0:29:31Blair again!
0:29:34 > 0:29:37So this is the Austrian village which is holding a vote this week
0:29:37 > 0:29:40on whether to change its name.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42The residents have been told to lighten up and cash in
0:29:42 > 0:29:44by Juergen Stoll, who runs a guesthouse
0:29:44 > 0:29:47in the Swiss village of Wank.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50Mr Stoll added...
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Single rooms only, of course.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00OK, time now for the odd one out round.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04Ian and Humphrey, your four are Mitt Romney's dog,
0:30:04 > 0:30:09a series of ads claiming homosexuality is curable,
0:30:09 > 0:30:11a pheasant in Gloucestershire
0:30:11 > 0:30:13and a traffic cop in Vietnam.
0:30:13 > 0:30:14Well, that poster -
0:30:14 > 0:30:17"Not gay, ex-gay, post-gay, proud. Get over it!"
0:30:17 > 0:30:19That was on the side of a bus -
0:30:19 > 0:30:22or it was going to be and then Boris banned it.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25- Yeah.- That traffic cop, there was a story about him
0:30:25 > 0:30:28jumping on a bus, trying to give it a ticket.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30So he was on the side of a bus.
0:30:30 > 0:30:35Mitt Romney's dog was run over and stuck to the side of a bus.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38No, he went on a bus, the dog.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41Mitt Romney put his dog in a crate on top of his car
0:30:41 > 0:30:44and drove it many hundreds of miles.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46So it's not a bus, it's a moving vehicle.
0:30:46 > 0:30:50Yeah. This pheasant is the official driver for the 2012 Olympics.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53I think this pheasant is one of those birds
0:30:53 > 0:30:56that regularly does a commute from Nottingham to Lincoln
0:30:56 > 0:30:58or something like that. I think it's a regular thing.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01The poster's the only thing that's not been on a moving vehicle.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05- We were getting there! - Hey! We get first dibs. - You're all right. Yes, it's...
0:31:05 > 0:31:08Oh, it's not the Lib Dem conference, come on!
0:31:09 > 0:31:10I wish it was.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14- Because I've got a soft spot for Clegg.- Really?
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Yeah, face-down on Hackney Marshes.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Yes, although you weren't quite right about the pheasant.
0:31:24 > 0:31:29But anyway, the Vietnamese traffic cop was Lieutenant Manh Phan.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31- Manh Phan?- Manh Phan. I know.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Talking of gay buses.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35"I'm not gay, I'm just a MAN FAN."
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Yes, the clip of him went viral after he was spotted
0:31:41 > 0:31:43clinging onto the front of a bus in Vietnam.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Who wants to see Lieutenant Phan in action?
0:31:46 > 0:31:48- ALL: Oh, yes.- Yes. Here we go.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01It looks like an On The Buses/Dad's Army mash-up.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Did anyone catch what he was shouting there?
0:32:06 > 0:32:07"Stop filming me."
0:32:09 > 0:32:11"When is the next request stop?"
0:32:12 > 0:32:15According to The Times, he was heard yelling...
0:32:18 > 0:32:22A pheasant in Gloucestershire survived a 40-mile trip
0:32:22 > 0:32:25after getting hit by a car and wedged in the grill.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29The pheasant has made a full recovery.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32OK. They've all travelled on the outside of a vehicle
0:32:32 > 0:32:34apart from the anti-gay advertising campaign,
0:32:34 > 0:32:37which wasn't allowed to appear on the outside of buses.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, banned the ads,
0:32:39 > 0:32:42having always been a champion of gay women,
0:32:42 > 0:32:44or as he calls them, a challenge.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Mitt Romney has been criticised for once driving his car
0:32:50 > 0:32:54with the family dog on the roof, or as his dog called it, the ruuff!
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Sorry.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59In a similar incident, George W Bush
0:32:59 > 0:33:02also put his dog on the roof before travelling.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Sadly, that was on Air Force One.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09A Vietnamese traffic cop was seen
0:33:09 > 0:33:11clinging to the front of a speeding bus.
0:33:11 > 0:33:12Here he is, as we've seen.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15The bus was driven by Phung Hong Phuong
0:33:15 > 0:33:20and was stopped by traffic cop Nguyen Manh Phan.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23It was captured on video by Ang On Tightly.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Yeah... Yeah.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32Paul and Graham, here's yours.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34Toad of Toad Hall,
0:33:34 > 0:33:37female racegoers at Aintree,
0:33:37 > 0:33:38Ronaldo da Silva
0:33:38 > 0:33:43and Charles Genevieve Louis August Andre Timothee
0:33:43 > 0:33:45d'Eon de Beaumont.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47- Is this about enthusiasm?- No.
0:33:48 > 0:33:52I think this is to do with dressing up as a woman,
0:33:52 > 0:33:53because Toad escaped from prison
0:33:53 > 0:33:55dressed in washerwoman's clothes,
0:33:55 > 0:33:58because he had been banged up for driving
0:33:58 > 0:34:00and he tried to blame his wife.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03Da Silva, I think he escaped from a prison
0:34:03 > 0:34:06very recently by dressing up as a woman.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10This man was an 18th-century transvestite.
0:34:10 > 0:34:16I read a piece about him recently. I have very eclectic reading tastes.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Um, and those girls are dressed up as women.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24I'm three quarters of the way there.
0:34:24 > 0:34:29I think the girls, because they are meant to be dressed like that,
0:34:29 > 0:34:33and the men, they dressed up in the sex of the other person.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36- Yeah, you have pretty much got that. Well done.- Thank you.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38APPLAUSE
0:34:40 > 0:34:42It's that they've all passed themselves as women,
0:34:42 > 0:34:45apart from female racegoers at Aintree, who ARE women.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48Merseyside police constable PC Crawford is under investigation
0:34:48 > 0:34:50after launching a Facebook tirade
0:34:50 > 0:34:53against women attending Ladies' Day at Aintree.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55He said...
0:35:10 > 0:35:13You were right also on Charles de Beaumont,
0:35:13 > 0:35:16better known as the Chevalier d'Eon.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19Would you like to see the Chevalier at his feminine best?
0:35:19 > 0:35:21- ALL: Yes. - Here he is dressed as a woman.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27HUMPHREY: A touch Chris Tarrant.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Drug smuggler Ronaldo da Silva
0:35:32 > 0:35:36broke out of prison dressed in his wife's clothes. Shall we have a look at him?
0:35:39 > 0:35:42- Phwoar!- He is better than the Chevalier, isn't he?
0:35:42 > 0:35:45There's a bit of Nancy Dell'Olio there!
0:35:46 > 0:35:49They have all passed themselves off as women
0:35:49 > 0:35:52apart from the female racegoers at Aintree, who ARE women,
0:35:52 > 0:35:56but, according to PC David Crawford, are certainly not ladies.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00Some of the ladies' footwear wasn't very practical
0:36:00 > 0:36:02for the wet and windy conditions at Aintree.
0:36:02 > 0:36:06In fact, two women twisted their ankles and had to be put down.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Brazilian drug trafficker Ronaldo da Silva
0:36:12 > 0:36:14escaped prison last week dressed as a woman.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16According to the director of the prison in Brazil...
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Well, that's a Brazilian for you.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27Kenneth Grahame's creation, a big rat,
0:36:27 > 0:36:30a little toad and a fussy old badger driving a car too fast
0:36:30 > 0:36:33and crashing, was, of course, the inspiration for Top Gear.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38Time now for the missing words round,
0:36:38 > 0:36:42which this week features as its guest publication Blaze,
0:36:42 > 0:36:44the lighter magazine.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47If it was about something interesting, it would no doubt be heavier.
0:36:47 > 0:36:48And we start with...
0:36:53 > 0:36:56HUMPHREY: Equals one hell of a night.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01- GRAHAM: Chocolate. - What? Hexagonal nut chocolate?
0:37:03 > 0:37:07Flat kick arm with nipple... That sounds like a good night out, actually.
0:37:14 > 0:37:15Next...
0:37:18 > 0:37:20HUMPHREY: Still a virgin at 44.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27GRAHAM: Has umbrella handle sticking out of his bottom.
0:37:33 > 0:37:37This is Matt Wilks of the Isle of Wight, who bought an umbrella hat
0:37:37 > 0:37:40on eBay and was hit twice by lightning within minutes.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43According to The Sun, he was going to...
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Not sure what he was going as. Presumably a twat.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57GRAHAM: TARDIS in prostitute cards.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10This is a series of e-mails between the makers of Doctor Who
0:38:10 > 0:38:12and Cardiff Council that have been released.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Producers once told local councillors...
0:38:17 > 0:38:18To which they replied,
0:38:18 > 0:38:21"Why not just on when the pubs close on Friday night?"
0:38:31 > 0:38:34GRAHAM: "What the hell am I doing with my life?"
0:38:36 > 0:38:40After a while, you ask, "Can't I have the 16V Ronson?"
0:38:46 > 0:38:47And finally...
0:38:49 > 0:38:50Ann Widdecombe!
0:38:53 > 0:38:56What news does he have of life beyond the veil?
0:38:57 > 0:38:59- Golden wheels.- Golden wheels?- Yes.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02"Run into the light!" "I can't!"
0:39:04 > 0:39:08After being buried, the hamster dug himself out of his grave.
0:39:08 > 0:39:09This story has upset a lot of children,
0:39:09 > 0:39:12but if you're watching, kids, please don't worry,
0:39:12 > 0:39:14it can't happen with Jimmy Savile.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21It's very easy to do.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24Our children had a guinea pig, which I thought had died.
0:39:24 > 0:39:28It was cold, rigor mortis had set in. I went into the garden.
0:39:28 > 0:39:29I obviously did a full ceremony.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32- Was the Archbishop of Canterbury there?- He was.
0:39:32 > 0:39:36Then we lowered the guinea pig in and it started twitching.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39It's a miracle, obviously, took it back, put it on the boiler,
0:39:39 > 0:39:41warmed him up, he lived in the year.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44I just offer that as proof that this is not a silly story.
0:39:44 > 0:39:49This is yet another example of how wonderful the world can be.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54So the final scores are Paul and Graham have five
0:39:54 > 0:39:58and Ian and Humphrey have seven.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00Another terrific win!
0:40:06 > 0:40:10Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:10 > 0:40:11It's a freeze-frame!
0:40:11 > 0:40:13AUDIENCE GROANS
0:40:13 > 0:40:16Thank you very much!
0:40:16 > 0:40:20David Attenborough lives over there. Let's see how he likes it!
0:40:23 > 0:40:26On which note, we say thank you to our panellists
0:40:26 > 0:40:28Ian Hislop and Humphrey Ker,
0:40:28 > 0:40:30Paul Merton and Graham Linehan.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33I leave you with news that the Japanese government
0:40:33 > 0:40:35announces that, after the meltdown,
0:40:35 > 0:40:38the rivers round the Fukushima nuclear plant
0:40:38 > 0:40:39are once more full of salmon.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47Just as he thinks he's found the perfect picnic spot,
0:40:47 > 0:40:49there's a nasty surprise for Nick Griffin.
0:40:54 > 0:40:58And as staff at London Zoo unveil their new charity calendar,
0:40:58 > 0:41:00there are concerns that Miss December
0:41:00 > 0:41:02may not get past the censors.
0:41:06 > 0:41:07Good night!
0:41:43 > 0:41:46PRODUCER: "And it's a welcome return to the picture spin quiz."
0:41:46 > 0:41:49Just in an upbeat manner. Are you all right with that?
0:41:49 > 0:41:51In an upbeat manner? What, me?
0:41:54 > 0:41:55Oh, dear!