0:00:40 > 0:00:42Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I'm Alexander Armstrong.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46In the news this week, in Canary Wharf,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49as the recession continues to bite, Goldman Sachs deny
0:00:49 > 0:00:52that their fairground-themed office party is too extravagant.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59There's disappointment for Jeremy Hunt
0:00:59 > 0:01:03as he tries to wave a casual hello to David Cameron cycling to work.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10And at a restaurant in Berkshire,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Kate Middleton really goes for it at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who recently hit the headlines
0:01:23 > 0:01:27for calling David Cameron and George Osborne two arrogant posh boys.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30So, it should make a pleasant change for her to sit between Ian and me.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Please welcome Nadine Dorries.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:37 > 0:01:42And with Paul tonight is a comedian who says in the mornings he doesn't wash or shower -
0:01:42 > 0:01:44he just marinates in his own juices.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47So, if nothing else, at least he SMELLS funny.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:58And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Ian and Nadine, take a look at this.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03That's the penguin - he won. He's Mayor of London.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Oh, he hasn't won. He's pondering...
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Hello! There's the penguin. Oh, off with the jacket.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Is that the reaffirmation of marriage vows?- It is!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Who was the bride?- Nick.- Ah.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21We know what happens to the bride on her wedding night, don't we?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27APPLAUSE
0:02:27 > 0:02:29No, this is the elections,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32and it didn't go very well for the coalition.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34And the reason it didn't go very well
0:02:34 > 0:02:37is because Nadine attacked the Prime Minister.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43Nothing to do with the...Lords reform being one of our main policies
0:02:43 > 0:02:45when the country's in recession...
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Yeah, absolutely, totally my fault. Completely down to me.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49REGINALD: Excuse me, Miss Nadine.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53You say that it was your fault, yet your tone does not convince me.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Yeah, you took a drubbing, didn't you, Nadine?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00But good result for Labour. How many seats did they gain?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- Um...seven hundred and forty something?- 823.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06We saw Professor Pongoo there in Edinburgh.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08He beat the Lib Dem candidate.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12He did. A penguin got more votes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:1574 more votes than the Lib Dem candidate.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18But I think that's cos he was wearing black tie.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20People like posh, Nadine. They do, really.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22But there's already a whiff of scandal.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26There is a belief that there might be a man inside this penguin.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Meanwhile, Boris Johnson...narrowly won a second term in London.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32How did Boris respond when asked
0:03:32 > 0:03:34whether he had ambitions to become Prime Minister?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Y...no.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43According to the Daily Mail, he said he didn't want the Prime Minister's job...
0:03:45 > 0:03:47NADINE: That means he does, then.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52But would you object to Boris as Tory leader? Cos he's quite posh.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I have nothing against where he was educated.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00It's how one relates to people who, I suppose, aren't posh.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03And the vast majority of people in the UK
0:04:03 > 0:04:05don't go to Eton or Oxford and...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Do they not?!- ..aren't privileged.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12You have to be able to relate to the ordinary lives of ordinary people.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- And Boris does that. - What, you think he's in touch?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Well, I know he's in touch with a lot of the electorate!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21That's why he's got a bike.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Well, here's Boris celebrating his victory, every inch the statesman.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26There he is.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34What's his...? What is actually wrong with Boris's shorts there?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36He's actually put them on the wrong way round.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Do you think they were on that way round when he left the house?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:45 > 0:04:48He said that one of his first electoral promises
0:04:48 > 0:04:50is to get rid of those shorts!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53There's a rampant dragon.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59So after their dismal election showing,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01where did Cameron and Clegg go?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Dignitas.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:10 > 0:05:12It was actually a tractor factory in Essex.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14This is to try and please Nadine.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17They went to Essex and then Cameron thought, "Oh, take off my jacket.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"Shirt sleeves. In touch.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23"Ordinary people." I was totally convinced(!)
0:05:23 > 0:05:28- Did you not like the re-launch?- I didn't see it. I was busy that day.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It was a bit of a contrast from the rose garden.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Here was then. And here is now.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:39It's their second anniversary. That's nice.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Lots of well-wishers tried to send them a card,
0:05:41 > 0:05:46but unfortunately, Clinton's chose this week to go into administration.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51Well, they found a factory that's open, which is pretty good going!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Let's have a picture. Here they are.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Nick Clegg then tries to tell a joke.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Can I also just say thank you very much for letting us
0:06:00 > 0:06:03interrupt your day's work.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Your blue and yellow livery on your tractors,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09it's tailor-made for the politics of this coalition.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11SILENCE
0:06:11 > 0:06:12As David explained...
0:06:12 > 0:06:15According to the Daily Express,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17as Cameron and Clegg left the factory floor,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19one worker was heard saying...
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Just what Cameron and Clegg will be saying in two years' time.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Ed Miliband was also in that part of the country.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32He did make a reference to the popular show The Only Way Is Essex.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- TOWIE!- Well done. Yes, TOWIE.- Thank you.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36He said...
0:06:36 > 0:06:39GROANING
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Sadly this reference backfired, cos then he was asked who
0:06:42 > 0:06:45his favourite character was from the series.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47At which point he had to confess he'd never see it.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52The Labour leader posed for a photo with student Tom Hounsome.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54What did he fail to notice?
0:06:54 > 0:06:55That Tom's dead.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58I've no idea!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01No, he didn't notice that the student was actually holding
0:07:01 > 0:07:03a device for smoking cannabis. So...
0:07:05 > 0:07:08What, a pair of lungs?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Let's have a look at Mr Hounsome with the massive bong.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22So, Nadine. Queen's Speech. Any comments on that?
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- Glad they didn't bang on about gay marriage?- I would have liked to have seen a bit more substance in there,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28like how do we get the country growing again.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31How do we get it growing again?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- Well, would you like me to give you a list of measures?- Yes, please!
0:07:34 > 0:07:39- You'd be very bored.- No, it's interesting.- Well, we have lots... - No one else knows.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43I get lots of people who come to see me...
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- This is an anecdote, not a list.- No, no.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- They come to see me... - And she's on his team!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Breaking apart in front of our very eyes.- Pushing it, man.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59It's a very temporary coalition.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03But your view is that having lost very badly in the local elections,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05your party should move to the right.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09- Is it about right and left still? - I've no idea.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Isn't it about just doing the right thing, doing what the country needs
0:08:12 > 0:08:14at a time when it needs it?
0:08:14 > 0:08:21Yeah, I don't even actually identify with right and left to a huge degree.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- But you are still a Tory. - Yeah, I'm a Tory.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- So you're vaguely on the right? - Yeah.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I believe in freedom of the individual, yeah. I am a Tory.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Which bit of the Tories are you?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Are you a little bit UKIP-y, or...?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Are you more on the touchy-feely Cameron-y?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- I'm definitely a bit more UKIP-y. - Right.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45That side said, Cameron may be kicked out of office
0:08:45 > 0:08:47unless he changes direction. Is that a threat?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49How many signatures do you get? 46?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52The party would need to get 46 signatures, yeah.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Is it true that so far you've only got one?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59An "N Dorries."
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- I haven't put one in yet actually. - Oh, haven't you? That's very loyal!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Are you confident of a promotion in the next reshuffle?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Anyone see George Osborne on Andrew Marr on Sunday?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15He was there to apologise for his bungling of the Budget announcement.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18And obviously to slag you off, Nadine.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Chiefly he was there so he could enjoy watching Keane.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26# But you and I, we're going to rise again
0:09:26 > 0:09:30# Divided from the light... #
0:09:38 > 0:09:42When the camera comes back to him on the second pass, he catches sight
0:09:42 > 0:09:45of it and starts nodding his head in time to the music. Have a look.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49# I want to love the way we used to then... #
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Yes, this is the relaunch of the coalition.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04David Cameron turned up in Basildon with Nick Clegg in tow
0:10:04 > 0:10:06and told factory workers...
0:10:10 > 0:10:11And what could be more efficient
0:10:11 > 0:10:14than two blokes turning up to do one person's job?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Ed Miliband condemned the policies mapped out
0:10:21 > 0:10:25in the Queen's Speech this week, telling the Prime Minister...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29And in two years, the Labour leader
0:10:29 > 0:10:32will go from Ed Miliband to David Miliband.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36The press were sympathetic to the Queen for having to read the speech out.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45At which point Cameron shouted, "Just read the bloody thing out, will you?!"
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- LAUGHTER - Paul and Reg, take a look at this.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54OK, that is... Oh, there has been a pair of underpants in the news.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Oh, that would confirm it. There is a plane, a plane, an underpants bomber
0:10:57 > 0:11:00has tried to blow up his own underpants on the plane.
0:11:00 > 0:11:07That is the security measures and that is how spies operated in 1936.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10The old cigarette case with a piece of paper. This is about bombs,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13blowing yourself up, blowing underpants up on a plane.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15They have arrested someone who is trying to do it
0:11:15 > 0:11:18and he has been stopped and he has failed and it hasn't worked.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Yeah!
0:11:19 > 0:11:22LAUGHTER
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- What do we know about the plot? - It didn't work.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28And it involved underpants. And explosives as well,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31because underpants on their own aren't much of a threat.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35- This is exactly right.- In some cases they could be, but in this case, no.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40An unnamed secret agent had a bomb to blow up an unnamed plane,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43which he gave to the CIA, and has now disappeared.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48The only proof of his existence that we have is the bomb that he left.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- There is no other proof. - And the underpants, presumably.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56- It is a sting.- A sting? - Yes, it was someone... - It would though, wouldn't it?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58LAUGHTER
0:11:58 > 0:12:02He said to someone in the Yemen, "I'd like to blow up a plane,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05"have you got any underpants with a bomb in it?"
0:12:05 > 0:12:09They said, "I'll run one for you, sir." Small tailors in the Yemen.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11They do it all up, get underpants.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15He says, "Great" and hands it over to the CIA because he's an agent.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19What I found suspicious about this is that the handler who gave the bomb
0:12:19 > 0:12:22seems to be kind of cavalier about the execution of this.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26He is like, "All right, I've got the bomb. What plane and what time do you want to blow it up?"
0:12:26 > 0:12:29"Uh, it's up to you, man. Whenever.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32"Blow up one today or tomorrow, as long as you blow up a plane.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36"Blow up something. Don't be trying to impress nobody, blow it up your way!"
0:12:36 > 0:12:38LAUGHTER
0:12:38 > 0:12:41We do know that the previous underpants bomb was real,
0:12:41 > 0:12:45what happened to that and why are they so dangerous, these pants bombs?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- Well, it's a pair of... - LAUGHTER
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Why is a pair of pants with a bomb in it so dangerous?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53If they are too tight they can cut out your blood supply.
0:12:53 > 0:12:59- Men, no matter what country or culture they come from, have some fondness for their genitalia.- Yeah.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Any man who is willing to blow up his genitalia to hurt other people,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07that is a man I'm scared of, do you know what I'm saying?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10You don't mean inflate, you mean explode?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- Exactly.- To blow up your genitals is another thing.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Underwear bombers around the world,
0:13:21 > 0:13:25underwear bomb makers, have been trying round the clock to find a way to perfect this.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Burnt bums, burnt testicles...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- And "round-the-clock" isn't always the phrase they use. - LAUGHTER
0:13:32 > 0:13:34But it's very similar.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38APPLAUSE
0:13:40 > 0:13:41What event...
0:13:41 > 0:13:45There's a lot of dexterity in this world of euphemistic sexual language.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I did once edit a magazine for several years.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49- Oh-ho, smart, dude.- Yeah.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55What event did they think this latest bum-bomb might have been intended to commemorate?
0:13:55 > 0:14:00It was meant to be a year since Obama...killed Osama.
0:14:00 > 0:14:05That's right. This also gave the US military a fantastic excuse to release some of Bin Laden's letters.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Have you seen any of these? - Yes, they are rather whingey.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11He's got a slight tone of Ken Livingstone about him.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12LAUGHTER
0:14:12 > 0:14:14What was his master plan?
0:14:14 > 0:14:19- Did he have one?- He had several, but the one he was particularly keen on,
0:14:19 > 0:14:24he wanted to try and shoot down Obama's plane if he ever visited Afghanistan. But not Joe Biden!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27This was his point. He thought that if Obama died...
0:14:32 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:37That's a ringing endorsement for Joe Biden, isn't it?
0:14:37 > 0:14:41"I am so incompetent that our enemies want to make me President as a weapon!"
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Let's look at leaders on their way out.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Let's go closer to home, what's happened in France this past week?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- There has been an election. - Sarkozy's out.
0:14:48 > 0:14:53- Who won that one, Nadine?- Hollande. - "Ollonde?"- "Ollonde!"- Hollande.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58That's right. So, yes, Francois Hollande, he has the rich in his sights.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03It hasn't gone down well in France, apparently the CAC is down 4%.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Hollande, he doesn't like the EU's austerity measures, either.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Which might cause problems for the Germans.
0:15:09 > 0:15:15But where else is democracy upsetting the apple wagon?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- Are you referring to Greece? - I am.- They've had elections in Greece.- Yes.
0:15:19 > 0:15:26And the new people who have come in, the new people have said, "Our plan is not to pay back the loan."
0:15:26 > 0:15:31And so throughout Europe there is, essentially, two points of view. Everyone else and the Germans.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34And last time, that didn't go so well!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER
0:15:37 > 0:15:40In terms of the major threats to the eurozone, nationalism, isolationism
0:15:40 > 0:15:43and financial turmoil, how did the Mirror sum up the situation?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46It's a tragedy.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55How has Mexico's democratic process destabilised this week?
0:15:55 > 0:16:00- Is it where somebody has voted for somebody who's dead and they've won? - No.- no.
0:16:01 > 0:16:08It was all done by this woman who was hired by a TV production company to hand out the order of speakers
0:16:08 > 0:16:11to candidates on a televised Mexican election debate.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13She was accused of putting the speakers off...
0:16:14 > 0:16:16and disturbing their concentration.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21How did the debate's TV producer decide to pick her for the show?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Did he ask Mr Berlusconi(?)
0:16:27 > 0:16:28He said...
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Bet she was taller lying down!
0:16:36 > 0:16:41Speaking of glamorous... Speaking of glamorous women,
0:16:41 > 0:16:46Nancy Dell'Olio has been talking to the London Evening Standard's diarist this week,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48talking about her appearance on last week's show,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50and the diarist writes...
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Well, I'd like to warn Nancy that I've got a super-injunction out.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And on the subject of unintelligible foreigners,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- who'd like to see a commercial for a Chinese kitchen knife? - Yes, please!- Here we are.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13MECHANICAL ACCENT: 'Hoi Chi is a specialist manufacturer and exporter of ceramic knives.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15'We have advanced production equipment
0:17:15 > 0:17:18'and a superior technical personnel.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21'Quality first and continuous innovation
0:17:21 > 0:17:23'is our persistent aim
0:17:23 > 0:17:26'and we focus our attention on manufacturing
0:17:26 > 0:17:29'and selling various kinds of novelty.'
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Robert Peston's voice coach.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Yes, this was the triumph for the CIA this week as they foiled
0:17:40 > 0:17:41another underpant bomb plot.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44The original underpants bomb plot resulted in the device
0:17:44 > 0:17:46only partially exploding in the bomber's underwear.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48The bomber was able to get through security
0:17:48 > 0:17:51because the device had no moving parts.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53And now, neither does he.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Also this week, Greece tried to bring about the end of West un...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59West un!
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Can we get the bloke who did the Chinese knife advert?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Also this week,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Greece tried to bring about the end of Western civilisation.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Well, the Greeks started it,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16seems only fair they should be the ones to end it. According to one newspaper...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23So if the Greek finance minister is watching,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26bung 60 billion on that, pull out - sorted!
0:18:30 > 0:18:33And so we come to round two, the picture spin quiz.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:44BUZZER
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Yes, Paul and Reginald.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49There seems to be a man conducting an invisible orchestra
0:18:49 > 0:18:52or he's conducting huge amounts of cheese.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54So is this some musical cheese reference
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I've missed over the last week? Is cheese the new music?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59You can carry a piece of Cheddar in your hand
0:18:59 > 0:19:01and it's "Elgar" written all the way through it?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04No. No, you're wrong. You're kind of close.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07It's a musical vibrational technique
0:19:07 > 0:19:10in order to make sure that cheese ages the right way.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Plausible, sensible...not right.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17This is the news that songwriters are being invited to create
0:19:17 > 0:19:20a national anthem for Cheddar cheese.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- Whose idea was this?- Was it somebody at the Cheese Council?- The BCB? - The BCB?
0:19:27 > 0:19:28The British Cheese Board.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Oh...
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- It's true! Seriously, the British Cheese Board. - I thought that was a joke!- No!
0:19:37 > 0:19:44The BCB want songwriters to come up with original lyrics about Cheddar to the tune of what...?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- God Save The Queen.- Exactly, and Land Of Hope And Glory,
0:19:47 > 0:19:51and Jerusalem, these kinds of tunes. Anyone want to submit an entry now?
0:19:51 > 0:19:55I'd like to have had some notice on this.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- The Bee Cheese, or something like that?- No.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00I feel I already make music for cheese.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03That cheese has to be present in order to inspire...make music.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- I don't know if cheeses even has to be in the room, to be honest. - Clearly, it does!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Look at the cheese they've got stacked there with that man!
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Who have BCB chosen to spearhead this campaign?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Me. I didn't want to say, but...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21It's Alex James. He's the man behind it. He said...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Which is, of course, Simon Cowell's job.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32How will the anthem winner be judged?
0:20:32 > 0:20:36By a tone-deaf cow attached to a Taser.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43Or how much wine is consumed while the music and cheese is being looked at and listened to.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46You could make a piece of cheese that had wine inside it.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50You're not sure which wine goes with which cheese - simply buy a block of cheese...
0:20:50 > 0:20:55- Avoid confusion!- ..and have two pints of wine injected into the middle of it!
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- You don't want to be reaching over for your wine and then have to reach over again for your cheese.- No.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01One reach-over and you got both.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- It'd be liquid in the middle, like a liqueur.- Yeah, exactly.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Cheesy, winey liqueur.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10So they'd be the size of a Malteser.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12This is my idea - hang on a second.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Discussing patents over there.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Cheesy wine-balls.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22And when you do this and eat this, you can look at people who have to reach over
0:21:22 > 0:21:27for two things, two different times and look down at them. "Losers!"
0:21:29 > 0:21:31There's going to be a judging panel of BCB members,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33that's basically how...
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Kazakhstan already has its own national anthem, of course.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38What happened when it was played at the opening
0:21:38 > 0:21:41of a skiing competition in the north of the country?
0:21:41 > 0:21:46It was the wrong one. They played the national anthem from Borat.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51Oh, no. This is yet another Kazakh mix-up. Look at this.
0:22:05 > 0:22:10MUSIC: "Livin' la Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin
0:22:10 > 0:22:12ANTHEM PLAYS
0:22:16 > 0:22:21Yes, they played Ricky Martin's Livin' La Vida Loca in by mistake.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23What should now NOT happen to people who eat too much cheese,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26according to the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Stand directly behind them?
0:22:29 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:37- No, NICE...- Because the angle of trajectory.- Yeah, yeah.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41- Very intense. I don't know if you know much about science. - There's loads of it around.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Lots of science out there.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- We are not to call them obese.- Oh, no, we're meant to call them...
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- people with weight issues.- Yep.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52"Obese" has been considered unhelpful and derogatory.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55So doctors instead, what are they saying we should say?
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Fatty.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01Don't call people "morbidly obese", say, "Hi, Fatso!"
0:23:01 > 0:23:04And make them feel much better.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07It's less clinical, it's more friendly.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08"Howdy, Fatboy!"
0:23:08 > 0:23:11If somebody walks in who's quite big, you say,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13"Excuse me, one at a time, please."
0:23:15 > 0:23:18This is the competition to write a national anthem for cheddar.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20As a cheesemaker himself,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Blur's Alex James is the face of the cheddar competition.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Next year, there will be a similar contest for George Michael
0:23:25 > 0:23:28and his favourite cheese - cottage.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here is your next spinning picture.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45That's Mr Cameron between Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brookes
0:23:45 > 0:23:48who are both appearing at the Leveson Inquiry this week.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Yes, it is the continuing saga of the Leveson Inquiry.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- He's not looking very happy, is he?- Not there, no.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I suppose being the only prime minister who has
0:23:58 > 0:23:59had his director of communications
0:23:59 > 0:24:04and best friend arrested by the police must be a bit depressing.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07At the end of the day, it has been a bit of a damp squib.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Everyone has been disappointed. - We are waiting for tomorrow.- Yeah.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Then we get the text that Dave sent to Rebekah.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16How many kisses on the end, do you think?
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Love you.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20LOL.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Anything else...? - It is all going to be there.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28# God save our favourite cheese
0:24:28 > 0:24:31# We get down on our knees
0:24:31 > 0:24:34# God save our cheese...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37# We love you for ever
0:24:37 > 0:24:41# Cos you're a piece of Cheddar. #
0:24:41 > 0:24:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Where do I send the invoice?
0:24:49 > 0:24:54It just shows you how much I've been paying attention for the last five minutes!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57# And did those feet in ancient times
0:24:57 > 0:25:01# Smell slightly of the product we're trying to sell? #
0:25:01 > 0:25:04No, that is the B-side.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Is there anything else from the Leveson Inquiry,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Ian, that we haven't...?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I don't think they sang Jerusalem there.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20What Andy Coulson did say today that was interesting was that...
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I only saw this on Twitter, because I was working.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28Can I quibble with the fact that, if you're reading Twitter, you're not technically working?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Just because you are not watching the Leveson Inquiry,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33the fact that you are reading tweets
0:25:33 > 0:25:36doesn't count as parliamentary work, does it?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Miss Nadine, I don't think he likes you much.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- You are trying too hard. - Do you not like me much?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I think that is an interesting question. Um...
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I think you are right.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52No, of course I do. I am trying to make things clear.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55You and the Prime Minister just don't get on, do you?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57He called me his close friend in the Chamber this week.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01As a person, as an individual, he is a really nice man.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05But just as a prime minister, you think he is a bit pants.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08YOU said that. I couldn't possibly...
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Are these exploding pants or just normal pants?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14This is the ongoing Leveson Inquiry.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Andy Coulson faced the Leveson Inquiry this week. Before giving evidence,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20he had to swear an oath holding a Bible
0:26:20 > 0:26:25which was still showing the burn marks from where Rupert Murdoch had touched it.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32BELL
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Ian and Nadine.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36That is a twister in Bicester.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39That is exactly right.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Which is a song from the Bicester Twister Board(!)
0:26:43 > 0:26:48Yeah, the papers were filled with horrific tales of the destructive force of nature.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52- What did it do?- Did you see any of the individual stories? - No, let's see them.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55According to Norman Ashworth, quoted in the Mail...
0:27:02 > 0:27:04While in Witney...
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Surely the most dramatic came from Witney resident Richard Glazer,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16who heroically drove straight through the storm.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25But is the Bicester twister an isolated incident?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- Uh, yes.- I say no.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Two weeks ago, Rugby and Halstead were both victims of suspected tornadoes,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36but they don't rhyme, so nobody seemed interested.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Beryl Clark of Wentworth Road lived to tell the tale from Rugby.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Argos, I'd imagine.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Speaking of the weather, did anyone see the BBC's new weatherman?
0:27:51 > 0:27:54- Yes, Prince Charles. - Do you want to have a look?- Yeah.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59This afternoon, it will be cold, wet and windy across most of Scotland.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02We are under the influence of low pressure.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06The weather front pushing northwards is bringing cloud
0:28:06 > 0:28:08and outbreaks of rain.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10What a surprise(!)
0:28:11 > 0:28:14It must have been tempting to tamper with the autocue, mustn't it?
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Saying, "The Queen's going to be REIGNING for as long as possible!"
0:28:20 > 0:28:23I bet I know what happened, it was a day of being silly.
0:28:23 > 0:28:28They were going round the city and they were driving past the studio and she said, "Oh, Charles.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31"I want to do the weather. I always have."
0:28:31 > 0:28:32And he says, "OK."
0:28:32 > 0:28:35And she says, "Can we do it? Can we do it?"
0:28:35 > 0:28:36And he says, "I'm the prince."
0:28:38 > 0:28:40I believe that is what happened.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46This is the tornado which hit the town of Bicester in Oxfordshire this week.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50Areas hit include Prime Minister David Cameron's home town of Witney,
0:28:50 > 0:28:54although when the skies went dark, locals just assumed Rupert Murdoch as popping round for another visit.
0:28:54 > 0:28:59The Daily Mail described the scenes of devastation wrought by the tornado.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06So, if the international community are watching,
0:29:06 > 0:29:09please, please donate whatever you can.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14Time now for the Odd One Out round. Paul and Reg,
0:29:14 > 0:29:17your four are Ed Miliband,
0:29:17 > 0:29:20a pie-making machine, Blackburn Rovers versus Wigan Athletic,
0:29:20 > 0:29:24and the 22.17 from Ashford International to Maidstone East.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28It must be something about things not being what they're pretending to be.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30So, Blackburn versus Wigan on close scrutiny
0:29:30 > 0:29:33turned out to be two flies on a piece of marzipan.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36The 11.47 train to Maidstone was, in fact,
0:29:36 > 0:29:39um...discovered to be a bowl of soup...
0:29:39 > 0:29:41from 1946.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45Is the train in Britain... I assume is late.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47And then, um...
0:29:47 > 0:29:51The pie machine - there don't seem to be nobody making pies.
0:29:51 > 0:29:56And the two dudes chasing the football, Wigan and Blackburn,
0:29:56 > 0:29:59they're kind of like football entities, but not really.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02I thought MY answer was pretty awful!
0:30:02 > 0:30:04But you ain't heard the last part, though!
0:30:04 > 0:30:09You're going to salvage it! The last bit, yeah!
0:30:09 > 0:30:12You katoofillated my momentum, you know what I'm saying?
0:30:15 > 0:30:16Your turn.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27- The answer is, they've all been interrupted by a chicken.- Yes.
0:30:27 > 0:30:32- Except for Ed Miliband, whose walkabout was interrupted by an egg this week. Want a look at that?- Yes!
0:30:32 > 0:30:35We've also got people, I think, who thought...
0:30:38 > 0:30:39Sorry about that.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Obviously, not one of my fans.
0:30:46 > 0:30:51Not one of my fans? He's not really narrowing it down!
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Which is the perfect excuse for us to play this old clip
0:30:53 > 0:30:56of a man who claims he can jump on an egg without breaking it.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59We bring you the unique Mr Tony McCabe,
0:30:59 > 0:31:02a man who claims he can jump on hen's eggs and human noses
0:31:02 > 0:31:04without breaking them.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13I skimmed them then.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21- Oh!- Does height as well as the length come in?
0:31:21 > 0:31:22Yeah.
0:31:25 > 0:31:26Going too high.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34Up there. I felt it click. There we are.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37- That's it is it?- I felt it click, yes.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41- That is the jumping on the eggs? - Yes, it's definitely been jumped on.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45LAUGHTER
0:31:45 > 0:31:46APPLAUSE
0:31:48 > 0:31:52While you were putting man on the moon that's what we were doing.
0:31:52 > 0:31:57The 22:17 from Ashford International to Maidstone East, that was
0:31:57 > 0:32:01interrupted for nearly an hour while the guard ate a chicken sandwich.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04No, no, no. Hang on.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08The Guard was eating a chicken sandwich and it took him an hour?
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Was it a live chicken between two pieces of bread? What took an hour?
0:32:11 > 0:32:14That's stretching it with the chicken bit.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17I wonder if he really even had a chicken sandwich.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21And Blackburn Rovers - Wigan Athletic,
0:32:21 > 0:32:25a chicken was released on to the pitch.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27The Blackburn - Wigan game. God, I watched that.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30LAUGHTER
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Yes, they have all been interrupted by a chicken
0:32:32 > 0:32:35apart from Ed Miliband whose walkabout was interrupted by an egg.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Within seconds of being singled out for an egg attack Ed Miliband
0:32:38 > 0:32:40was laughing and smiling,
0:32:40 > 0:32:42delighted that at last someone had recognised him.
0:32:42 > 0:32:43LAUGHTER
0:32:45 > 0:32:46Ian and Nadine, here are yours.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50We have Colin Firth, Mary Beard, Mitt Romney and Samantha Brick.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Samantha Brick,
0:32:52 > 0:32:56she's declared herself as being stunningly beautiful.
0:32:56 > 0:33:02Mary Beard, a girl attacked her and said she had a face for radio,
0:33:02 > 0:33:05she was too ugly to present a television programme.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07Does Colin Firth have...?
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Did he say being pretty doesn't help as an actor, it's a curse?
0:33:10 > 0:33:11- Something like that?- Yeah.
0:33:11 > 0:33:16I mean, Samantha Brick did write this piece in the Mail,
0:33:16 > 0:33:18saying, my life has been ruined cos I'm so beautiful.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21And men fall over themselves, I only have to walk out the door
0:33:21 > 0:33:23and I'm given rosettes and people propose...
0:33:23 > 0:33:27- And sent champagne.- Rosettes?! - Well, could possibly explain a lot.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32Best of breed, that sort of thing?
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Is it the one who doesn't think they are good-looking?
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Is the odd one out Mary Beard,
0:33:37 > 0:33:39someone else said she wasn't good-looking?
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Yes, I think we'll give you that.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44They all found their looks to be a burden, apart from Mary Beard,
0:33:44 > 0:33:45who is happy with the way she looks.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49So, yes, AA Gill had said that she had a face for radio, Mary Beard.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52How did she respond to Gill?
0:33:52 > 0:33:55- That she wasn't bothered?- Yeah. Essentially. She said...
0:33:59 > 0:34:01If you say so, love.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Daily Mail columnist Samantha Brick originally came to fame
0:34:07 > 0:34:11following an internet storm when she wrote an article
0:34:11 > 0:34:13complaining about the downsides of being so damned beautiful.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Did you read the article? Did you see what she was saying?
0:34:16 > 0:34:18She said she's had a miserable life
0:34:18 > 0:34:21because men just can't control themselves.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24Whenever she's around, they just throw themselves on top of her.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Hundreds of them in the Tube.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30I mean, I've been caught up in a crowd...
0:34:30 > 0:34:33and found that she's been at the core of it all.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36Hundreds of us going down side streets. People at the back
0:34:36 > 0:34:39have no idea but they're shouting and screaming.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42- Brick ruling.- I beg your pardon?
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Here are the things she's complained about.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47She has said she's had a tough time. On a recent flight...
0:34:59 > 0:35:02Because you were trying to buy your ticket from a drinks machine.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07Colin Firth in an interview this week has claimed that good looks
0:35:07 > 0:35:09can be a burden to a person. According to Firth -
0:35:17 > 0:35:19You and me both, Col.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22According to Mitt Romney,
0:35:22 > 0:35:24there's a leaked document in which his team
0:35:24 > 0:35:27were concerned that his bid might fail because his hair was...
0:35:30 > 0:35:33Overlooking Romney's main drawback of being a complete pillock.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Was he widely held to be the Republican candidate with
0:35:38 > 0:35:39the best hair though?
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Donald Trump had the best hair. Surely.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45According to the Boston Globe, Rick Perry has hair...
0:35:49 > 0:35:52Oh.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55They all found their looks to be a burden, apart from Mary Beard,
0:35:55 > 0:35:58who, despite what AA Gill thinks, is very happy with the way she looks.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Mary Beard was also criticised for her looks
0:36:00 > 0:36:02by the self-proclaimed beautiful journalist
0:36:02 > 0:36:05Samantha Brick, which prompted many comments on the social networks.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11..Tweeted a complete munter.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14Samantha Brick's original article in the Mail
0:36:14 > 0:36:17was followed by a stream of rage, hatred, bile
0:36:17 > 0:36:20and misogynistic comments as the editor went about his daily work.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Time now for the missing words round,
0:36:23 > 0:36:26which this week features as its guest publication True Loaf.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Frankly as magazines go, it's the best thing since...
0:36:28 > 0:36:31AUDIENCE GROANS
0:36:31 > 0:36:32Take a look at this.
0:36:35 > 0:36:36NADINE: Water.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38REGINALD: No official cheese song yet.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40LAUGHTER
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Oh!
0:36:46 > 0:36:50After a surge of interest based on the movie, the Yemen tourist board
0:36:50 > 0:36:53has warned Britons that there is no salmon fishing in the area.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55- LAUGHTER - According to the Telegraph -
0:37:01 > 0:37:03Though it does have a vibrant pant bomb-making sector.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Next -
0:37:10 > 0:37:16Lord Rank behind the success of the granary wheat, double strength...
0:37:16 > 0:37:18super bun.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Double strength super bun?!
0:37:21 > 0:37:23With a bun like that we could take over the world.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26No, it's not.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33He was not only the man behind Hovis, he was also the man behind
0:37:33 > 0:37:36the Rank Organisation, maker of the Carry On films, which explains
0:37:36 > 0:37:40why Sid James always enjoyed a couple of nice baps.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42And dinosaurs...
0:37:42 > 0:37:43LAUGHTER
0:37:43 > 0:37:45Dinosaurs may have what?
0:37:45 > 0:37:49May be responsible for climate change? Global warming?
0:37:49 > 0:37:53This is something put out by the oil companies, isn't it?
0:37:53 > 0:37:55We're blaming climate change on dinosaurs now.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Yes, it's all their fault.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00- It's cows as well.- Yeah, but not originally.- No.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02They were much bigger.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05When the dinosaurs died out, they killed themselves by farting
0:38:05 > 0:38:09the weather so warm that they then died.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12REG: You say that mockingly, but I had
0:38:12 > 0:38:13an uncle who did that.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19He's extinct now, isn't he? Yeah, he's gone.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22Yeah, the answer is:
0:38:23 > 0:38:24Next:
0:38:28 > 0:38:30PAUL: The 1970s were like Woodstock.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34IAN: It was a drug story, wasn't it?
0:38:34 > 0:38:35Yup.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41According to a BBC Four programme about television Centre,
0:38:41 > 0:38:43drugs were rife at the BBC in the '60s and '70s.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46One of the presenters of Play School got
0:38:46 > 0:38:49so stoned he went through the square window and ended up flat... Oh!
0:38:49 > 0:38:51LAUGHTER
0:38:51 > 0:38:55- I'm so sorry.- And if I might add, you had a bit of momentum too.
0:38:55 > 0:38:56Yes, I know. It's gone now!
0:38:56 > 0:38:57AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:38:57 > 0:39:01That's the sort of noise every performer wants to hear.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03LAUGHTER
0:39:03 > 0:39:07Being deeply patronised by people who came in for nothing.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:10 > 0:39:13That cheer still counts as taking the piss, by the way.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18According to a BBC Four programme about Television Centre,
0:39:18 > 0:39:20drugs were rife at the BBC in the '60s and '70s.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23One of the presenters of Play School got so stoned he went through
0:39:23 > 0:39:26the square window and ended up face down in the car park.
0:39:26 > 0:39:30CHEERING
0:39:33 > 0:39:38And that won't sound unusual in any way, shape or form.
0:39:38 > 0:39:39And finally:
0:39:47 > 0:39:49- IAN: I think it's Bungay. - PAUL: Is it Bungay?
0:39:51 > 0:39:52The answer is:
0:39:57 > 0:40:00The game was played in Bungay. All 22 players were called Bungay.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02The referee was Bungay. The linesmen were Bungay.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05The substitutes and the mascot were called Bungay.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07And the team doctor was called Bungay.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09It was all the idea of an employee of Bungay Town FC,
0:40:09 > 0:40:11called Shaun Cole.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Or you can call it, "When inbreeding goes well."
0:40:19 > 0:40:21LAUGHTER
0:40:21 > 0:40:23The final scores are Paul and Reginald on five,
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Ian and Nadine on nine.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27CHEERING
0:40:32 > 0:40:35But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36Hello, have you come far?
0:40:36 > 0:40:38LAUGHTER
0:40:40 > 0:40:43You got my nose hair caught in your watch strap!
0:40:43 > 0:40:45LAUGHTER
0:40:50 > 0:40:51IAN: All rise.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53AUDIENCE GROAN
0:40:53 > 0:40:54APPLAUSE
0:40:54 > 0:40:58On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:58 > 0:41:02Ian Hislop and Nadine Dorries. Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04I leave you with news that after Nicolas Sarkozy's
0:41:04 > 0:41:07humiliating defeat in the French general election,
0:41:07 > 0:41:09his wife takes him on a much-needed holiday.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12LAUGHTER
0:41:15 > 0:41:17At the Oxford Street branch of Primark,
0:41:17 > 0:41:20a new sales assistant greets his first customer of the day.
0:41:22 > 0:41:23LAUGHTER
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Having dismissed predictions of a tornado in Bicester,
0:41:28 > 0:41:31Michael Fish returns to his Oxfordshire home.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34LAUGHTER
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Goodnight.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39APPLAUSE
0:42:02 > 0:42:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd