0:00:25 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Kathy Burke. In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45as the Eurovision Song Contest approaches,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49the BBC eagerly unveil Engelbert Humperdinck's backing dancers...
0:00:53 > 0:00:56At an exclusive optician's in Harley Street,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59one regular customer inspects his new monocle.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07And in Hyde Park,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11a helicopter company regrets sending an attractive female pilot
0:01:11 > 0:01:14to give an aerial tour of London to Boris Johnson.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28On Ian's team tonight is a former Mayor of London
0:01:28 > 0:01:32who just lost a bruising contest with Boris Johnson.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34He's also the first guest this show has ever had
0:01:34 > 0:01:38whose fee has had to be paid direct to the Cayman Islands.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Please welcome Ken Livingstone!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44APPLAUSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:48And with Paul tonight is a comedian and actor
0:01:48 > 0:01:51who admits he hasn't led a very interesting life,
0:01:51 > 0:01:55and in a recent interview said, "While other people have been climbing Everest,
0:01:55 > 0:01:57"I've been sorting out me wardrobe."
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Throw all the nice clothes out, then, did you(?)
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Please welcome Joe Wilkinson!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07APPLAUSE
0:02:08 > 0:02:12OK. And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- Paul and Joe, would you take a look at this, please?- Be thrilled to.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Oh! - JOE: Slow-motion morris dancing?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Yes. The Greeks have to live on a slower time than the rest of us.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25This is the French Presidential elections. He's on his way out.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29He's on his way in, and it rained throughout his entire day.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30His plane was struck by lightning,
0:02:30 > 0:02:34represented by this cartoon characterisation from the 1920s
0:02:34 > 0:02:36and there he is, at the end of a successful day...
0:02:36 > 0:02:40having no idea which way to go.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43It's not a great bit of footage from your first day, is it?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45When your Presidential campaign was,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"I won't be pushed around by the Germans!"
0:02:48 > 0:02:53He was late, which is why I think Mrs Merkel was pretty firm with him.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Turn up late, don't know which side of the carpet to walk on...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59He was wet, late and French.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Sounds like somewhere in Soho.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Well, you work there...
0:03:08 > 0:03:12This is the first day in power for Francois Hollande
0:03:12 > 0:03:14and the growing chaos in the eurozone.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- He had a crap first day, didn't he, really?- Yeah.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20You shouldn't be that busy, your first day at work, should you?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22You should ease yourself in.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Get shown round the office, send your mates a few e-mails
0:03:25 > 0:03:27going, "Yeah, it's all right."
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Have a late lunch. Not fly him over to Germany, sort out the EU crisis.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- No, not- straight away. Ease him in with a bit of filing.- Exactly.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- Find out how the office works. - Exactly. A bit much.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Then it rained on him, didn't it? - It did. Let's have a look.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Here he is being rained on in the open-top car. Very nice.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Here he is being rained on as he lays a wreath.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50And here he is standing underneath
0:03:50 > 0:03:53the least efficient umbrella in France.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Perhaps they're having a drought like we are.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00He went to the airport to fly to Germany, SOAKED.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Perhaps Angela gave him a rub-down when he got there.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Do you know something we don't?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10There was a lot of kissing in the inauguration.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I wish I'd known. I'd have got the Eurostar over.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Big triumph for the Left, Ken, wasn't it?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Seems like the Left is winning everywhere. Except London.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Why is it, whenever I lose an election, they put me on your team?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Every other time, I'm on Paul's.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Cos they want you to feel like a winner.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33KEN: I don't think we won last time.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Shall I get on with it?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Yeah!- Well, it's about Hollande, actually.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41He began his first day in office
0:04:41 > 0:04:44with the handing over of power from Sarkozy.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48So, here they are together, but can you tell which one's Sarkozy?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52KEN: The 3-inch heels suggest
0:04:52 > 0:04:56that might be the diminutive former President of France.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- You enjoyed saying that, didn't you? - Hmm. Oh, he was a ghastly horror.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Are you all open and honest now?
0:05:02 > 0:05:06I've always thought he was a ghastly horror.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07OK. Ed Miliband?
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Lovely man.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11LAUGHTER, SOME APPLAUSE
0:05:11 > 0:05:15What livened things up when he flew to Germany later in the day?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Plane struck by lightning.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- Yes.- Perfectly safe. Apparently the planes can withstand
0:05:20 > 0:05:22much more than one single bolt of lightning.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- Still a shit first day, though, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I don't want to go on about the symbolism, but
0:05:32 > 0:05:36being struck by lightning on the way to Germany, it's not good, is it?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39The political alliance between Merkel and Sarkozy
0:05:39 > 0:05:40became known as...
0:05:40 > 0:05:42- Merkozy.- Merkozy, yes.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Yes. There it is.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Written down, there.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- In case we couldn't envisage what it looked like.- That's right.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56How our commentators referring to this new European power base?
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Erm, "Merde."
0:05:57 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:05:59 > 0:06:01It's true!
0:06:01 > 0:06:02It is true
0:06:02 > 0:06:04and it means "shit".
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I had no idea.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Meanwhile, what's the problem with Greece?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13They haven't got a government.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15And they have got a ludicrously military step.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I thought the Koreans were bad trying to get the leg up here,
0:06:18 > 0:06:22but that slow motion, it's the Ministry of Silly Walks, basically.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25That's what they have to sort out. If people laugh at your soldiers,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- you've no chance.- And if they want to get that pom-pom off,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30they've got to flick it a bit quicker.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32You can't just get the pom-pom off slowly.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- No, it doesn't engender respect.- No.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Right, as no single party won a majority
0:06:38 > 0:06:42the President has been holding talks with the leaders of various parties
0:06:42 > 0:06:44in an attempt to form a workable coalition.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Paul, could you give me a hand here, mate?- Yeah.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Read out the names when they come up.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I could do it myself, I just can't be arsed...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- OK, right.- ..dealing with this.- Yes.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56So, the Greek President...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Uh...Karolos Papoulias.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01..has been talking to the head of the socialist party...
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Evangelos Venizelos.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05The leader of the far-right Golden Dawn party...
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Chrysi Avgi.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11And the young charismatic leader of the far-left Syriza party...
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Alexis Tsipras?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15More commonly known as...?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Sexi Alexi!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20But I'll be the judge of that one.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Oh, yes. He's all right, actually.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- He looks a bit like Ed Miliband to me.- Oh, does...?
0:07:29 > 0:07:34- Are you a man obsessed?- No, this is Ken's attempt to find some work!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37APPLAUSE
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Shall we see how well the President has been getting on
0:07:40 > 0:07:43in his talks with these people?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I think he'll come to the conclusion they can't stay in the euro,
0:07:55 > 0:07:59which most sensible people have realised for the last two years.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- And then they're out.- They're out. The world will carry on
0:08:02 > 0:08:05and we'll all be able to afford to go for a holiday in Greece.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08You've become very upbeat, haven't you?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Getting a nice sleep now, ain't ya?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Yeah. Like a log.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15It's good for you at your age.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20So, how are several newspapers
0:08:20 > 0:08:23referring to this possible Greek exit?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- Are they taking "Greece" and "out" - "grout"?- Hey!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29APPLAUSE
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- It's called Grexit.- That's it.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Yes.- Sounds like a type of hair dye.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Again, we bow to your superior knowledge.
0:08:42 > 0:08:47They get the Olympic torch and then they set fire to Athens.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Then we go bankrupt, cos everyone's exposed to Greece, to this debt.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Even Ken can't be cheery about that, can you?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- No, I predicted this.- Ah!
0:08:59 > 0:09:0312 years ago in Socialist Economic Bulletin.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- Didn't you read that?- Oh, my subscription must have lapsed(!)
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Catchy name, as well.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Once we sold 300.- Oh!
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Yes, a move from the euro back to the drachma
0:09:18 > 0:09:20would have to be done on the quiet
0:09:20 > 0:09:23in the hope that nobody would notice.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27That should keep the situation nice and calm.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32What else would have to be done in secret?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- Printing the new currency?- Spot on.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Or buying a lot of Monopoly sets.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Lots of people have drachma left from last time.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I've got a few in a drawer.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Probably worth a couple of million quid.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I think it's a good opportunity to call it something else.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53You know, make it sound groovier.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Like, drach-marvellous, or something.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Pay by feta, I don't know.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I think that's what's happening now.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Yes, according to the Sunday Telegraph,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11it would involve a highly technical operation.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Can you imagine? Some poor bugger's got to sit in the bank
0:10:23 > 0:10:25going stamp, stamp, stamp, stamp
0:10:25 > 0:10:27with about 20 million notes.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30That would bring the unemployment down.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32We could try that over here.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Stamp Osborne's face on every banknote.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43And I wonder if you folded it like the Queen, it'd look like an arse?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45When you fold the note, you get that arse.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- That is inbreeding, though. - Oh, is it?
0:10:49 > 0:10:53With financial chaos now looking more and more likely in Greece,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56how are global businesses reacting?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58They're not really paying much attention.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01According to the Sunday Telegraph...
0:11:04 > 0:11:08..and then on to Luxembourg, where it can avoid tax.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11No offence. No offence.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Let's move on to Spain.- Yeah.- Right?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Why has the village of Pioz made the financial news?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Pioz?- Is this the village that's in so much debt,
0:11:22 > 0:11:27it's going to take 1,400 years to pay it off?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Had to close their swimming pool, didn't they?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Breaks your heart, dunnit?
0:11:33 > 0:11:37During the boom years, the local council spent so much on houses,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40a municipal swimming pool and a water purification plant
0:11:40 > 0:11:43that it's run up debts that according to the Daily Telegraph...
0:11:47 > 0:11:49See, they didn't follow my advice.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Did you send a copy of the Bulletin to this village?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56You shouldn't borrow money.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Pay as you go, that's the safe way.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00- Like on an Oyster?- Yep.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Well, actually, sometimes the Oyster takes more than it should
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- but there we are. - Yeah, it does.- Does it?- Yeah.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10- Boo for Boris, then!- No, no. I expect Boris doesn't know about it.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14He's always on the bloody bike, isn't he? It's not his fault.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16So who did it, then? If Boris didn't.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Whoever really runs it when he's not there.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- Giant lizards from another planet? - Yes.- Yes?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Yes.- Did you have to deal with these lizards when you were Mayor?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30They're in control of Ed. Sometimes I'd go in to see Blair
0:12:30 > 0:12:32and he'd be getting the human skin back on.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- It's all true! It's all true. - I'm glad to hear it.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42- I live near Boris, you know.- Do you? - Yes, and I was in a cab once
0:12:42 > 0:12:45and it was summer, so the window was down, it was a balmy night,
0:12:45 > 0:12:49and I was texting, and Boris, cos he rides a bike,
0:12:49 > 0:12:53pulled up beside the cab and I had my window down
0:12:53 > 0:12:56and he looked in and he said, "Good evening,"
0:12:56 > 0:12:59and I said, "I don't talk to strangers."
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Put the window...
0:13:01 > 0:13:03APPLAUSE
0:13:04 > 0:13:08That saved you an unpleasant few hours.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13Finally, what can you NOT use to pay off a debt higher than £10?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Magic beans.- Huh?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Money? Coins?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Copper coins? - Yes, there were go, coppers. Yes.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- You can't pay off coppers?- No. - Has anyone told News International?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27APPLAUSE
0:13:29 > 0:13:32PAUL SINGS A VAUDEVILLE TUNE
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Yes, an accountant in Essex
0:13:34 > 0:13:37has successfully sued one of his clients
0:13:37 > 0:13:40who tried to settle a bill of £800
0:13:40 > 0:13:45by dumping five crates of 1p and 2p coins in his garden.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47To conclude our look at the financial news,
0:13:47 > 0:13:48let's go over to Sky News.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Good evening. It's 7pm. I'm Jeff Rand...
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I'm not Jeff Randall. I'm Joel Hills. This is Jeff Randall Live.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Yes, this is the crisis in Europe
0:13:58 > 0:14:01and the messy aftermath of the Greek election,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04which saw the various parties unable to form a coalition.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07On his first official trip to see Angela Merkel,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10President Hollande's plane was struck by lightning,
0:14:10 > 0:14:14despite being assured there definitely wasn't a storm on its way
0:14:14 > 0:14:18by leading French weatherman, Michel Poisson.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Mind you, Hollande wouldn't have made it to the airport
0:14:24 > 0:14:26if he put on the metal shoes and hat
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Sarkozy gave him as a good luck present.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Ian and Ken, would you take a look at this, please?
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- Oh, it's...- Ah, a victim.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Oh, she's being hounded by the paparazzi!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- Outrageous!- Oh, look.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Blair and Rebekah Brooks.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46And Cameron and Rebekah Brooks.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49And a witch.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Well, we've got to be very careful answering this question
0:14:53 > 0:14:56cos Mrs Brooks has been charged.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58But we're sure she's innocent, really.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I can offer a comment. I remember watching that moment
0:15:05 > 0:15:07as she's being chased down the street and thinking,
0:15:07 > 0:15:11"The number of times the buggers have done that to me on her orders!"
0:15:11 > 0:15:15I took some small pleasure out of that, I must confess.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I only met her once. It was after some film awards
0:15:18 > 0:15:21and she largely ignored me.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23And then two days later, I get an e-mail from her saying,
0:15:23 > 0:15:28"We have identified your unknown love child and are going to name him.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29"Would you like to comment?"
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I ignored it and they didn't dare run it.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Oh, can we have the name now, then?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- It all came out five years ago. You missed it.- Oh-h-h!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Was it in the Socialist Economic Bulletin?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44The sales might have gone up!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47It's a good place to bury bad news, isn't it?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50It was all about bad news!
0:15:50 > 0:15:54She's been charged with conspiracy to pervert the course of justice.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Most people, when they get charged, disappear. She immediately came out
0:15:58 > 0:16:02and criticised the Crown Prosecution Service for daring to charge her.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05When you've spent two decades telling prime ministers what to do
0:16:05 > 0:16:08and telling senior policemen what to do,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- it's a bit difficult when the boot's on the other foot.- Yes.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15And usually when the police come to her house it's, you know,
0:16:15 > 0:16:16to give her a story
0:16:16 > 0:16:19or accept a job on one of her papers.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- Or lend her one of their horses. - Indeed!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25I think we can say very little. She can obviously say what she likes
0:16:25 > 0:16:27but we've got to be much more careful.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- How soon before they bang up Murdoch, do you reckon?- Oh...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- We can stay within the law as well for that.- Yeah. No,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41that's any day now, obviously(!)
0:16:41 > 0:16:45But her husband was jolly cross and a lot of people had said Rebekah,
0:16:45 > 0:16:49giving evidence at the Leveson Inquiry, had looked like a witch.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51And her husband immediately came out and said,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53"It's a witch-hunt."
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Which some people found very amusing.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I just remembered - she did that campaign
0:17:00 > 0:17:04to burn down the home of your nearby paedophile and so on, didn't they?
0:17:04 > 0:17:05- They ran that.- The Sun...
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- That was a bit rushing to judgment, I thought.- It was rushing to judgment
0:17:09 > 0:17:12and a campaign against paedophiles. Unfortunately a lot of Sun readers
0:17:12 > 0:17:16couldn't tell the difference between that and paediatricians.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19So there was an attack on the house of a doctor.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Anyway, this will all be a terrible sense of deja vu.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Some of us remember her being banged up after a domestic.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Do you remember that, with Ross Kemp?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Yes.- She had to be arrested.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Because he'd gone in, I don't know,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35to investigate gangs in his own house or something...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38LAUGHTER
0:17:41 > 0:17:44..and it had all kicked off.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Apparently Rebekah Brooks and her husband met
0:17:48 > 0:17:49at Jeremy Clarkson's party
0:17:49 > 0:17:53which for me is enough to just want them sent down.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57That's all I need to know. Send 'em down!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02She's got a brief experience with witch-hunts.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Can anyone remember any?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Gordon Brown, I think, would feel the victim of one of them.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- Was he a witch?- No.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- A warlock.- A warlock.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Unlike Blair, who was a warmonger. Yeah!
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Sorry, I'm just preparing for my career in stand-up.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25What, you going to run for mayor?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29No.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Whilst editor of the Sun, she accused asylum seekers in London
0:18:35 > 0:18:37of poaching and eating swans
0:18:38 > 0:18:40And in 2003,
0:18:40 > 0:18:44she sensitively dealt with Frank Bruno's fragile mental state
0:18:44 > 0:18:47with the headline...
0:18:47 > 0:18:50What did she reveal about her textual relationship
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- with David Cameron? - He was texting her all day
0:18:53 > 0:18:57and occasionally he wrote "LOL" and he didn't know what it meant.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59He said it meant "lots of love,"
0:18:59 > 0:19:03which somehow is more appropriate to a senior executive
0:19:03 > 0:19:05who's bidding for a media contract.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Whereas the rest of us think it means "laugh out loud,"
0:19:08 > 0:19:11which we're doing now.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Yes, the Express printed some examples
0:19:13 > 0:19:17of how Cameron might misunderstand other text-speak. For instance...
0:19:20 > 0:19:22So we all know what that means, don't we?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- I'm homosexual. - LAUGHTER
0:19:25 > 0:19:28And I also don't know the answer.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- This is "in my humble opinion". - That's it, yeah.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Or, as the Express suggested for Cameron,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36"Is my horse outside?"
0:19:38 > 0:19:41APPLAUSE
0:19:41 > 0:19:44And here's another one. What's "WTF"?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Uh, what the f... Erm...
0:19:47 > 0:19:50As the Express suggested, "Where's the fag?"
0:19:50 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- "Where's the fag?" - As in, Eton slave boys.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58You don't say, "Where's the fag?" You say, "Fag up!"
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- "Fag up?"- You didn't have a fag!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07And they run up the stairs. Produce coffee.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09It's a perfectly workable system.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14See, I always used this one...
0:20:15 > 0:20:17"I am having a fag?"
0:20:17 > 0:20:20"I am 'AVIN' a fag," yes!
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- Very topical. 1993, I- BLEEP- said that.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I thought it meant "I'm having some physical activity".
0:20:27 > 0:20:32- Oh!- Oh, "I'm having a..." Oh! I see!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Under what circumstances would you text that to a third party?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43"I've told you, haven't I? Keep going."
0:20:43 > 0:20:46LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:48So, how did Rebekah Brooks stay in touch
0:20:48 > 0:20:52with the customs of ordinary folk when she was at the Sun?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Er, she listened to their voicemails?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57APPLAUSE
0:20:58 > 0:21:01She said for 11 years running,
0:21:01 > 0:21:05she would go on a £9.50 holiday to a caravan park with Sun readers.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Where do Private Eye go for their away days, Ian?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Erm, that place in Soho I was telling you about.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Who else, a bit closer to home, has been critical of Rebekah Brooks?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Close to home.- Is that a clue?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Yeah.- The Home Secretary. The former Home Secretary,
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Jack Straw. He deliberately got on the same train as her
0:21:27 > 0:21:29so he could suck up to her on the way into work.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Actually, it was Rupert Murdoch's daughter, Elizabeth...
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Yes?- ..who said...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42For the record, Elizabeth Murdoch's own company
0:21:42 > 0:21:44makes TV programmes called...
0:21:46 > 0:21:49..so you could be in either of those, Ken, couldn't ya?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52They announced I'd lost on Friday evening.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55The first e-mail I get was I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!
0:21:55 > 0:21:59I thought, "Oh God, no. You know you're doomed. It's all over."
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Something more uplifting, eh? - Like this?- This is always good fun.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05This could be a launch platform.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08We had some bloke on, and he became Mayor of London!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I've never really forgiven you for that!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Which other hard-faced shameless bastard
0:22:17 > 0:22:20was at the Leveson Inquiry this week?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23"Hard-faced Shameless Bastard Number One, please come into the room."
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Erm...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Can you narrow it down a bit more?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Alastair Campbell?
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Very good, yes.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33The Mail described Campbell as...
0:22:38 > 0:22:41He actually said that the Labour Party in his day, um,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44viewed their dealings with Murdoch with some distaste
0:22:44 > 0:22:47and he was allowed to get away with saying that.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49You think, "Was that the Labour Party
0:22:49 > 0:22:51"that you were working for Tony Blair
0:22:51 > 0:22:53"when he became the godparent of Rupert's child
0:22:53 > 0:22:58"and appeared in robes of shining white by the banks of the Jordan,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01"in order to suck up to Mr Murdoch? Was that the same Labour Party?"
0:23:01 > 0:23:04But no-one said that, they just said, "Thank you, Mr Campbell.
0:23:04 > 0:23:09"Very good of you to turn up and give us your stupid opinions."
0:23:09 > 0:23:13APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Robert Jay, the main QC at the Leveson Inquiry,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19got a bit carried away when he introduced Campbell to the Inquiry.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21What did he say?
0:23:21 > 0:23:26"And he's here! The one, the only, lock up your daughters!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"Alastair 'I can't remember anything' Campbell!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"Ra-da-da-da...!"
0:23:31 > 0:23:32He said he was...
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Did he really?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Yeah, he did say that, apparently.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44How rigorous is this cross-examination?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Does it take on medical aspects as well?
0:23:46 > 0:23:50He's usually such a lovely talker, is the gentleman. He uses words like
0:23:50 > 0:23:52propinquity?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54And condign - what does that mean?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I think they got the letters in the wrong order.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59That's like Condign With Me, isn't it?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04It actually means adequate or worthy.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Ed Miliband is quite fond of one particular phrase at the moment.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Do you know what that is?
0:24:10 > 0:24:11LOL.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12I'm havin' a fag.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Isn't that what they all shout at Cameron?
0:24:16 > 0:24:20They're hoping he'll lose his temper in the Commons and explode
0:24:20 > 0:24:23so they all shout, "Calm down." Whenever he says anything,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25he goes, "I am calm, I am calm!"
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Let's have a little look
0:24:26 > 0:24:30at what Mr Miliband is very fond of saying at the moment.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33The idea he did that without any knowledge of the Secretary of State
0:24:33 > 0:24:35frankly beggars belief.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38He should show some responsibility in relation to his organisation.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- I think it beggars belief... - What does that mean?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43It beggars belief Rebekah Brooks is still in her post.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46To think he doesn't need to take responsibility for that
0:24:46 > 0:24:48frankly beggars belief.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49And when Rupert Murdoch says
0:24:49 > 0:24:54that News International have handled these allegations extremely well,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I think people up and down the country will be thinking
0:24:57 > 0:24:59that really beggars belief.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Yes, this is the news that Rebekah Brooks has been charged
0:25:04 > 0:25:07with attempting to pervert the course of justice.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Said Rebekah, 43, from Chipping Norton.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24APPLAUSE
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- OK, boys?- Yes!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28The prospect of Rebekah being sent to jail
0:25:28 > 0:25:30is particularly bad news for David Cameron,
0:25:30 > 0:25:34who's now facing a Christmas dinner with just Jeremy Clarkson.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39And we must point out, it's a fundamental principle of English law
0:25:39 > 0:25:41that you are innocent
0:25:41 > 0:25:44until after you've finished playing for your country in the Euros.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Meanwhile, the Leveson Inquiry continues to investigate
0:25:50 > 0:25:52the influence of the media,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55though if you want a stark example of the power of the newspapers,
0:25:55 > 0:25:59just think. If it wasn't for the London Evening Standard,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02we'd have Boris Johnson sitting there.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06I hasten to say, Ken, that's because I think you'd make a better mayor.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08And he'd make a better guest.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I agree! I agree!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16And so to Round Two, the one-armed bandit of news.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Here's the first one!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28BUZZ
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Yes, Paul.- Erm, the Queen, she is in a state now
0:26:30 > 0:26:34where she can't notice strangers coming up and adjusting her...
0:26:34 > 0:26:38She's being so dazzled by her own celebrations, she has no idea,
0:26:38 > 0:26:42she's got no spatial awareness of people around her at all.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44So people have got hold of this,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46and that's her visit in Derby
0:26:46 > 0:26:50and there's two people who've won a prize in the Derby Advertiser,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52they won a spot-the-monarch competition.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Play with the Queen for a day, is basically...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58And also, it's a waxwork at Madame Tussauds.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Yes, this is the new Madame Tussauds waxwork of the Queen.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- But, I mean, there was a tragedy at Tussauds, wasn't there, Ken?- What?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08They've melted down...
0:27:08 > 0:27:11No! Not a beloved member of the British society!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- They have!- Who?- A former mayor...
0:27:14 > 0:27:15No!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17..has been consigned to the pot.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23They're using him to make Jedward!
0:27:25 > 0:27:26No, that's very true.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Ken's waxwork was removed from Madame Tussauds in 2008.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31A spokesman has said...
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Well, they're going to realise they're wrong
0:27:38 > 0:27:41when they turn on and watch this bloody programme.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43That's right! You tell 'em.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46It's odd they don't offer to sell you it.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Most of us would buy 'em for a laugh. Have it stuck there,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52a really grisly-looking object as you come through the door.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55You couldn't have yours, it's not tax-deductible, mate!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Oh, I don't know, you could rent it out!
0:28:00 > 0:28:05Particularly boring dinner, just put your waxwork in. "Hello, Ken".
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Why's a new waxwork of the Queen been made?
0:28:07 > 0:28:11There's something remarkable about her. Her appearance seems to change year by year.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15If you look at her when she was six, she doesn't look anything like this.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18This has been described as the "Queen's most lifelike waxwork yet."
0:28:18 > 0:28:21- Shall we have a look at some of the previous efforts?- Yes.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Here she is in 2001.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Oh, that's not very good.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29- Here she is in '77.- Ooh, no!
0:28:29 > 0:28:31That's bad, but not as bad as this one
0:28:31 > 0:28:35displayed at the Legends Of Wax exhibition in Kent.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37That's Barbara Streisand!
0:28:40 > 0:28:43But to get a truly terrible waxwork, you have to go to Israel.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45- Here's the...- That's what they say!
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Here's the IMAX Museum in Eilat's attempt at John Lennon.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Looking a bit like you, Ken, when you ran the GLC.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59My moustache was never that long.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03John Lennon crossed with a cashew nut.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- Do you want to have a look at Elton John?- Yes, please.
0:29:06 > 0:29:07Look at him.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11A sweaty Brains from Thunderbirds.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14And the worst one of all, we can't comment on this,
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Marilyn Monroe.
0:29:18 > 0:29:19Isn't she pretty?
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Finally, where have the Queen's knickers been appearing?
0:29:23 > 0:29:25- Eugh!- On Neptune?
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Tom Jones concert?
0:29:30 > 0:29:33- No, it's all over WH Smith till receipts, apparently.- Oh, yes.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37Due to a technical error, no matter what customers in WH Smith bought,
0:29:37 > 0:29:39they were issued a receipt stating...
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:29:53 > 0:29:54BUZZER
0:29:54 > 0:29:57Somebody stuck a car up a tree.
0:29:57 > 0:30:01- Didn't they put a seed and let it grow?- Yeah.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05A local community has gone in for their own justice,
0:30:05 > 0:30:07and this was a joyrider who goes up and down the street
0:30:07 > 0:30:11so one night they all got together, nicked his car and put it up a tree.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15- Brilliant.- He rang the police and said, "They put my car up a tree,"
0:30:15 > 0:30:16and the bloke said, "I know!"
0:30:19 > 0:30:21And he had to get it down himself.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24Yes, villagers were fed up of their local boy racer
0:30:24 > 0:30:26and his dangerous driving
0:30:26 > 0:30:29so they taught him a lesson by using a neighbour's mobile crane
0:30:29 > 0:30:32to hoist his car on top of the tree.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35A police spokesman said...
0:30:43 > 0:30:44Who'd like to see the car,
0:30:44 > 0:30:47having been carefully removed from the tree?
0:30:51 > 0:30:53In other news of tall tales relating to cars,
0:30:53 > 0:30:58Dorset Police have revealed a list of excuses for driving offences.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00What excuse did a motorist give
0:31:00 > 0:31:03when stopped for not wearing his seatbelt?
0:31:03 > 0:31:06"Come near me, copper, and I'll cut you!"
0:31:06 > 0:31:10Citing the law that made wearing a seatbelt a legal requirement
0:31:10 > 0:31:12in 1982, the motorist told officers...
0:31:15 > 0:31:18Adding, "But as we clearly can't settle this matter,
0:31:18 > 0:31:21"I challenge you, sir, to a duel."
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Finally, talking of excuses, Ken, do you have one for this outfit?
0:31:30 > 0:31:31Was it in The Sun?
0:31:31 > 0:31:33It was in The Sun, oddly enough.
0:31:33 > 0:31:37I think Rebekah just liked me topless.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40Page 3 has evolved, hasn't it?!
0:31:40 > 0:31:43Actually, for someone who's 66,
0:31:43 > 0:31:46- that's not bad. - I'm glad you said that.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49I bet now, if we all took our tops off,
0:31:49 > 0:31:51I wouldn't look too bad compared to you!
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Come on, come on!
0:31:53 > 0:31:56Oh, come on, we're all friends, why not?
0:31:58 > 0:32:02- Can we then wrestle?- Yeah.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Then we'll take our bottoms off.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Take our bottoms off?!
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Start shagging each other.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16Fingers on buzzers, teams, please.
0:32:19 > 0:32:20BELL RINGS
0:32:20 > 0:32:22This is Peter Tatchell,
0:32:22 > 0:32:25who's launching a campaign to say you can be rude to each other
0:32:25 > 0:32:27and I think it's supported by David Davis.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Yes. This is the news that Tory MP David Davis
0:32:30 > 0:32:32and gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell
0:32:32 > 0:32:37have launched a new campaign for the right to be insulted. It's called...
0:32:40 > 0:32:41So what's the idea behind this?
0:32:41 > 0:32:45You know, they got fed up of people getting arrested for silly stuff.
0:32:45 > 0:32:50Because someone's got arrested for calling a policeman's horse gay.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53- Yes.- That's right.- The horse was wearing hotpants, but...
0:32:53 > 0:32:57That's right. One student was charged for carrying a place card...
0:33:15 > 0:33:18But to a Labrador, "woof" is very insulting.
0:33:18 > 0:33:22Meanwhile, what are politicians doing to their Wikipedia entries?
0:33:22 > 0:33:25Editing them to make them even less honest?
0:33:25 > 0:33:28Well, to make themselves look better.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Wikipedia staff can trace the internet address
0:33:30 > 0:33:33of whoever made alterations to a page
0:33:33 > 0:33:38and on MPs' entries, nearly all the changes come from Parliament.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42Ken, how was your Wikipedia entry changed?
0:33:42 > 0:33:44Was it changed to "winner"?
0:33:44 > 0:33:46According to the Telegraph...
0:33:54 > 0:33:58Right, this is the new campaign for the right to be insulted.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Conservative MP David Davis
0:34:00 > 0:34:04called for the scrapping of Section 5 of the 1986 Public Order Act,
0:34:04 > 0:34:08arguing that it should not be a criminal offence to insult people
0:34:08 > 0:34:11and for once I couldn't agree more with the pompous old Tory twat.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15David Davis has joined forces with Christian groups
0:34:15 > 0:34:17and gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell
0:34:17 > 0:34:20to try and persuade the Government to change the law.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23An ill-matched alliance of oddballs with little hope of success,
0:34:23 > 0:34:27the Government has three years left in power.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Just one between you this week. Your four are Florence the Shark,
0:34:32 > 0:34:37Matthew O'Callaghan, the Chairman of Melton Mowbray Porkpie Association,
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Morrissey and Whittaker's Sundew.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41BELL RINGS
0:34:41 > 0:34:44- Yes.- Whittaker's Sundew is a flower from New South Wales
0:34:44 > 0:34:46and the others aren't.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50I've got one, then! BUZZER
0:34:50 > 0:34:52One's a shark.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56< Ah, that could be from Australia.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00The only thing I know is that shark's a vegetarian.
0:35:00 > 0:35:01And?!
0:35:01 > 0:35:04That's all I know in the whole world!
0:35:04 > 0:35:07The only thing that eats meat there is the flower.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11- I bet it's one of those meat-eating flowers.- Absolutely correct!
0:35:11 > 0:35:12APPLAUSE
0:35:14 > 0:35:17What sort of meat does the plant eat?
0:35:17 > 0:35:18Lamb chops?
0:35:18 > 0:35:22- Kebabs?- That looks like sticky bits on the leaf
0:35:22 > 0:35:24so I assume small insects.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26- Yes, very good, Ken.- Bison?
0:35:29 > 0:35:32Ever seen a fight between one of them flowers and a bison?
0:35:32 > 0:35:33It can go on for hours.
0:35:33 > 0:35:37Yeah, Ken's right, this plant does eat insects.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40What are the team at the National Sea Life Centre going to try and do
0:35:40 > 0:35:43to get Florence eating enough protein again?
0:35:43 > 0:35:46Stuff a sausage in the middle of an iceberg.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48It's pretty close.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Matthew O'Callaghan,
0:35:55 > 0:35:58the chairman of the Melton Mowbray Pork Pie Association,
0:35:58 > 0:36:01has admitted that he's actually a vegetarian.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03I thought you were going to say he's admitted
0:36:03 > 0:36:06there's no meat in his pork pies.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Has anybody any idea
0:36:08 > 0:36:11where Mr O'Callaghan made his shocking confession?
0:36:11 > 0:36:14Not the Socialist Economic Bulletin.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17No, according to the Daily Mail, he was speaking
0:36:17 > 0:36:19at the annual British Pie Awards.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22He told a gathering of pie manufacturers...
0:36:29 > 0:36:31They are all vegetarian
0:36:31 > 0:36:35apart from Whittaker's Sundew, which is a carnivorous plant.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38Botanically-speaking, the order of Australian plants
0:36:38 > 0:36:41is divided between two sub-genii -
0:36:41 > 0:36:44Carnivorous and bloody poofta.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51According to The Sun...
0:36:54 > 0:36:57Following this story, thousands of curious locals
0:36:57 > 0:36:59have queued for hours to visit her aquarium
0:36:59 > 0:37:01to see what vegetables look like.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Time for the Missing Words round,
0:37:05 > 0:37:08which this week features as its guest publication...
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Cat Fancy.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Or as I call it, The Spinster.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18And we start with...
0:37:21 > 0:37:24KEN: "Tonnes of cat poo."
0:37:24 > 0:37:26JOE: Is it "lost people"?
0:37:28 > 0:37:30No, the actual answer
0:37:30 > 0:37:31is mobility scooters.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33- Oh.- Oh, yes.
0:37:33 > 0:37:37This is the news that Britain is the mobility-scooter capital of Europe.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Technically, you need a medical reason
0:37:39 > 0:37:42to be allowed to drive a mobility scooter,
0:37:42 > 0:37:45although it appears these reasons include an allergy to exercise
0:37:45 > 0:37:47and a clinical dependence on chips.
0:37:50 > 0:37:51Next...
0:37:54 > 0:37:56JOE: "Something 10 foot away."
0:37:57 > 0:38:00KEN: "I could smell cat mess from 10 feet away."
0:38:00 > 0:38:04- You're obsessed by cat mess. - It's bloody Cat Weekly, isn't it?
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Yeah, but it could be other things apart from mess.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09"Boris Johnson.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13"Says lonely widow.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18"Who's increased the security on her front door.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21"Who's boarded up the cat flap."
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Which isn't a euphemism.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29The answer is "Miche's fish breath."
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Yes, according to Cat Fancy,
0:38:32 > 0:38:35there are several possible causes of bad breath in cats.
0:38:35 > 0:38:39The main one being how it licks out its own arsehole.
0:38:44 > 0:38:45Next...
0:38:49 > 0:38:52JOE: "Break-dance."
0:38:52 > 0:38:54You're nearly right. "Oscillate."
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Because cats don't like sharp edges
0:38:56 > 0:38:59so look a bit blurry. Oscillate.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03"Hello, how are you doing? What's your name? Mr Tibbs?"
0:39:03 > 0:39:07Well, it's not too dissimilar. It's actually "squat down."
0:39:07 > 0:39:10You've got to squat down. It's common sense.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13Makes it easier for him to put it in the holdall with the bricks.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:39:15 > 0:39:16And lastly...
0:39:19 > 0:39:20JOE: "Massive cat."
0:39:22 > 0:39:24I wandered lonely as a shroud?
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Somebody dressed up in a shroud for a funeral?
0:39:27 > 0:39:29It's actually "nuke cloud".
0:39:29 > 0:39:30This is the plan
0:39:30 > 0:39:34to bury thousands of tonnes of nuclear waste below the Lake District.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37A spokesman for the nuclear waste industry says...
0:39:42 > 0:39:45So if you're watching the repeat on Dave - all clear.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:52 > 0:39:54And so the final scores are...
0:39:54 > 0:39:57Ian and Ken have four points,
0:39:57 > 0:39:59Paul and Joe have seven points.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01APPLAUSE, CHEERING
0:40:10 > 0:40:14But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16Ian and Ken have this.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Ah. He's saying, "Don't move, Mum."
0:40:24 > 0:40:26And you wonder why you lose.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29And Paul and Joe, you get this.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32"Big horse sneezes and finds a surprise."
0:40:35 > 0:40:38"Boy lies about having identical horses."
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Is the big horse saying,
0:40:42 > 0:40:44"There's a great big bowl of cocaine over there,
0:40:44 > 0:40:46"I just walked straight into it."
0:40:50 > 0:40:54I leave you with news that at a shopping centre in Gloucester,
0:40:54 > 0:40:56a confused old man startles passers-by
0:40:56 > 0:40:58with a tirade of bigoted abuse.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04At Vladimir Putin's birthday-party parade,
0:41:04 > 0:41:06after soldiers marched non-stop for 12 hours,
0:41:06 > 0:41:08there is a slight problem with cramp.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14And, capitalising on her love of horses,
0:41:14 > 0:41:17Scotland Yard sends an undercover cop to spy on Rebekah Brooks.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Good night.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:53 > 0:41:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd