0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Thank you so much.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Good evening to you.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I'm William Shatner.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10In the news this week,
0:01:10 > 0:01:17as...Didier Drogba leaves London, in his private jet,
0:01:17 > 0:01:21there's evidence that Roman Abramovich doesn't want him to go.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33As an Afghan army recruit reports back to base,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36there are suspicions that they may have spent too long
0:01:36 > 0:01:38patrolling the poppy fields.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And, at the G8 banquet for world leaders,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Nick Clegg is given a vital role.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:05On Ian's team tonight is a writer and broadcaster who says
0:02:05 > 0:02:07he runs for at least an hour every day.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09It's not a health thing,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12it's just a lot of people he's been nasty about
0:02:12 > 0:02:14want to punch him in the face.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Please welcome Charlie Brooker.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:22 > 0:02:26With Paul tonight is a writer and broadcaster
0:02:26 > 0:02:28who supports Chelsea,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31so expect him to perform badly throughout the evening
0:02:31 > 0:02:34but somehow end up on the winning side.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Ooh!
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Andy Hamilton.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39APPLAUSE
0:02:41 > 0:02:45We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Ian and Charlie, take a look at this.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- It's the G8 Summit.- It's Cameron sunning his moobs.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55It's the French Prime Minister. He hasn't got the hang of it.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58That's a man using a computer to monitor
0:02:58 > 0:03:00the three remaining coins in the economy.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04This is the G8 Summit
0:03:04 > 0:03:08and Greece's attempts to "Klingon" to the euro.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Can I just say, what a joy and what a surreal experience it is
0:03:15 > 0:03:17having you on this show.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:20 > 0:03:22May I say
0:03:22 > 0:03:24it's an out-of-body experience for me too.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28How did the, er...
0:03:30 > 0:03:32How did the Head of the International Institute of Finance
0:03:32 > 0:03:34describe the state of Europe?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- It's a catastrophe. - It's a eurozone meltdown,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39which sounds like a gay nightclub.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43They're very worried about Greece.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I saw a headline that said markets slide on Greece.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47To be fair,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50everything slides on Greece.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51It was somewhere between...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Your Sunday Times newspaper painted the worse case scenario.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01It's not ours!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03It belongs to Mr Murdoch, he's yours. He's an American.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07THIS Sunday Times newspaper
0:04:07 > 0:04:10painted the worse-case scenario in the event of the Greeks
0:04:10 > 0:04:11crashing out of the euro.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Can you describe it to me?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17There's a run on the banks, in Greece. Then we're exposed to that
0:04:17 > 0:04:19and all the other countries fail.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Then giant rats roam the streets throughout the whole of Europe.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28We're invaded by aliens. There's only one man to call on.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:32 > 0:04:33They said:
0:04:45 > 0:04:46But on the other hand...
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Don't worry, David Cameron's got it all under control.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- It's his ship now. - Yes, it's his ship
0:04:55 > 0:04:57but not with a P.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Would you like to see the G8 leaders adopting a tough stance?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- Yes.- Yes, please.- Here they are!
0:05:07 > 0:05:09There's ten of them. They can't even count.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:14 > 0:05:16They did come to an agreement, though.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18They've agreed to do nothing.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Didn't they agree to buy the man at the end a new jumper?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28ANDY: That's just somebody's dad. He's wandered in.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31What did the French President do wrong at the G8 Summit,
0:05:31 > 0:05:32according to the Telegraph?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34According to the Telegraph? Well, he's French.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Apparently, Francois Hollande...
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Here they are at dinner with no ties.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51You can see how Camp David is relaxed and peaceful
0:05:51 > 0:05:54and the others are enjoying themselves too.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02Medvedev's choice of an ice breaker joke, with Angela Merkel is...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05That looks like a Nazi salute.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08The left hand's coming up to do that.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"Do you remember him? Do you remember him, love?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- "Do you remember him?" - Where was the real talking done?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Going to the gym. Didn't Obama and Cameron go to the gym together?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- CHARLIE: On a treadmill. - On a treadmill, was it?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Early in the morning.- Going nowhere, what a wonderful metaphor!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26It was on a running machine early in the morning after the dinner.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Cameron and Obama went to the gym together
0:06:29 > 0:06:30and according to the Observer:
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I kind of imagine that when Obama knocked on Cameron's cabin door,
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Cameron opened it... in a short bathrobe,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53his legs shining with oil...
0:06:55 > 0:06:56..and the muscles of his thighs...
0:06:56 > 0:06:59That's what you'd do, isn't it?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04You can see why Obama's going for the gay marriage vote.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Or why he has an affinity towards Merkel.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I'm sorry, these things will be cut out as we go along.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16How has this casual approach...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18You haven't seen this show, have you?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21That's true and luckily, I may add.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27How has this casual approach damaged David Cameron?
0:07:27 > 0:07:31He is accused of chillaxing too much.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Chillaxing is a horrible word.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37It's a combination of chilling out and relaxing.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Anyone who combines words like that is just a funt.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Wait a minute. That is not an American word.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- What is that word again?- It's a funt. It's short for frightful count.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00You're right he was chillaxing.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04He cooks, he drinks wine, he watches DVDs with his wife.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- AMERICAN PRONUNCIATION: - Plays snooker,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- has his own karaoke machine.- Plays what?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Snooker. It's another blend word.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- Snoozing with... - With a bit of nookie!
0:08:15 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:18 > 0:08:22You play it with something long and balls.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24You chalk the tip as well.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28I don't see the problem with Cameron relaxing.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31This thing about, he watches films on DVD.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33If he's watching a film on DVD,
0:08:33 > 0:08:37that's an hour-and-a-half where he can't be doing any damage.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Can you name some of his favourite pieces of relaxation technology?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47He's addicted to playing a video game called Fruit Ninja.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51There are video games he could play where he learns to run a country
0:08:51 > 0:08:54or oversee the infrastructure of a small city but, no,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57he's swiping at revolving fruit.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00That serves no purpose. Britain has never and will never,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02come under attack from revolving fruit.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Until it does, he's wasting his time.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09What other leisure activities were available at Camp David?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- Watching the football.- Yeah.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Here they are watching the first shoot-out
0:09:14 > 0:09:17that Obama watched live on TV.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Of course, this is not the first. There was another shoot-out.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:24 > 0:09:27David Cameron had plenty of other things to worry about.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31What just emerged from the Leveson Inquiry about the BSkyB bid?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34This is a memo to Cameron from Jeremy Hunt.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Mr Hunt was meant to be an impartial judge about whether Mr Murdoch,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40who owns YOUR Sunday Times,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43should be allowed to own anything else over here.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Hunt appeared to have already made up his mind, extraordinarily.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- That's outrageous! - It is absolutely outrageous.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Well, what is being done about it?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Well, phasers set to stun, I think.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Why has Jeremy Hunt got the haircut of an 11-year-old boy?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04It's true. He's got that duckling tuft thing.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- Duckling Tuft?- Yeah. - One of the finest
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Shakespearean actors this country ever produced?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- You saw Duckling Tuft in his prime. - He played Hamlet.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- He lost but he...- He became Sir Duckling Tuft.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20On the subject of the Champions League Final,
0:10:20 > 0:10:22did anyone notice what the Chelsea captain, John Terry, did
0:10:22 > 0:10:24after the final whistle?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Yes. He got into his kit, didn't he? He celebrated with everyone else.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30He'd been suspended and he got into his kit. To be fair, he's used to
0:10:30 > 0:10:32getting changed very quickly.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Usually, when he hears a key in the front door.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- "Honey, I'm home."- Exactly.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42No, he took credit for something he hadn't done.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Many people thought John Terry was intruding on
0:10:45 > 0:10:46somebody else's great moment
0:10:46 > 0:10:48and some people on the internet did this.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:59 > 0:11:01On the subject of faked images,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04did anybody see the Romanian TV presenter
0:11:04 > 0:11:07who tried to fake a sandstorm?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09No!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11The man was reporting on a sandstorm,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13missed the sandstorm and here's what happened.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER
0:11:31 > 0:11:33This is the G8 meeting of world leaders.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37The leaders watched Chelsea win the Championship League on television
0:11:37 > 0:11:40but there was outrage as the presentation of the trophy
0:11:40 > 0:11:43was spoiled by the unwelcome presence
0:11:43 > 0:11:45of an arrogant hate figure.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:53In a recent speech, the former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, declared:
0:12:07 > 0:12:09That's what you need in a crisis.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12A mad Scotsman shouting, "We cannot take it any longer, captain!"
0:12:12 > 0:12:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Paul and Andy, take a look at this.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20All right. This is the Olympic Flame.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21The beginning of the Olympic Games.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25The plane's been dipped in a special bowl of Olympic custard.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- He's been to Ratners. - He's been to Ratners.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30This is the eternal flame that keeps going out.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I don't know if it's actually alight there or not.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35The Olympics are coming to London.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38They've kept it secret, but now we can actually tell people.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41That's a very festive attack by Al-Qaeda.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45How did the Olympic Flame arrive on British soil?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48It was flown in that plane, which Boris described as
0:12:48 > 0:12:50a custard-coloured comet,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53streaking through the sky to bring Promethean fire
0:12:53 > 0:12:56from the Greek homeland to London.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59You think I'm making it up. That's exactly what he said.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01It goes out a lot this flame.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- It does...- Then they take it back to the Mother Flame.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Every time it goes out, it's like they think we're all children.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10"Oh, there's this secret Mother Flame that we keep in the van."
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- They go and relight it. - It flew from Greece...
0:13:13 > 0:13:16The Mother Flame, isn't that the sun?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20They should erect a scaffold to the sun, that would be impressive.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23A long piece of folded newspaper, just to get a light of it.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26So it arrived in the golden plane, as you said,
0:13:26 > 0:13:30then on to Cornwall in a Sea King search and rescue helicopter.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Let's see how the waiting crowd enjoyed the historic moment
0:13:35 > 0:13:38when that helicopter arrived.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42REPORTER: It's arrival was perfectly choreographed and hard to miss.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:52What happened in Great Torrington on day three
0:13:52 > 0:13:55of the flame's 70-day journey?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58The flame was put out and they resorted to the Mother Flame
0:13:58 > 0:14:00that was being carried around in a van.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03That had also gone out so they had to go to the Grand Mother Flame,
0:14:03 > 0:14:07which is kept in a sealed unit in Switzerland.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11They do know that we have the secret of making fire in this country?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15We are capable of independently reigniting a torch that goes out.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20- Who has to import fire? Do we?- We will soon!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24The flame went out and the Games organisers blamed:
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I had one myself once.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34They put too many jalapenos in my enchiladas.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I needed that helicopter wind to blow the flame out.
0:14:41 > 0:14:46- What is the relay a chance to show the world?- That we are British.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Yes. And we understand about fire.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Yeah, we understand the sacred flame of gorgeous goodness!
0:14:52 > 0:14:56It is a chance to showcase some of Britain's most beautiful landmarks.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58According to the Daily Mirror:
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Eh, er...Di-dier, uh...Drogba...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- Do you have any idea what any of these words mean?- Didier!
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Why doesn't he change his name?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13..carried the torch through Swindon town centre.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17And which unsung community hero carried the torch through Taunton?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- Oh, I know that. - You know that? In Somerset.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23These torches were meant to be carried by local people
0:15:23 > 0:15:25to show the community spirit.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29And in Taunton it was Will.I.Am.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- Doesn't he come from Taunton?- No!
0:15:31 > 0:15:37- Taunton, Ohio.- I would love it if he did come from Taunton.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45here he is telling the BBC
0:15:45 > 0:15:49how important an experience it was to him.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53So, yeah, this is like... it feels like a dream.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Something that you always saw on TV growing up,
0:15:57 > 0:16:01so to be here today in the UK,
0:16:01 > 0:16:05with all the hard work it took me to get to this level,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07to be able to do that,
0:16:07 > 0:16:12following, pursuing my dreams, and, you know...
0:16:12 > 0:16:15and now I am here in the UK running the torch, it is great.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21That is essentially a tribute to himself.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24He said, "I grew up watching this as a kid."
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I never remember ever seeing the torch being run.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30It wasn't on every day, was it? Like Star Trek!
0:16:32 > 0:16:36You know, I watched that with my dinner on my lap every evening,
0:16:36 > 0:16:37but not...you know, I had a plate!
0:16:37 > 0:16:43- You weren't just throwing up? - No!- "Star Trek? Eurgh!"
0:16:46 > 0:16:49"Quick, chuck something at the screen!"
0:16:49 > 0:16:53What have some of the relay runners been criticised for doing?
0:16:53 > 0:16:58As soon as you've walked your five metres as part of the spectacle,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00you sell it on eBay.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03They've come in for criticism for selling the torches on eBay.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Making money out of the Olympics is thought
0:17:06 > 0:17:10to be absolutely against the spirit of the Games
0:17:10 > 0:17:15unless you're Visa, or Samsung, or Coca Cola, or McDonalds,
0:17:15 > 0:17:19or Lloyds TSB, Adidas, BP, British Airways,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22otherwise, it's a noble enterprise.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26You weren't paid for reading them all out, were you?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I got a great deal of money for each one of those
0:17:31 > 0:17:33and in the next question I mention some more.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- What disappointments...?- Coca Cola!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Now you're cut in.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Millets. Can I just say that? To see if I get some money from Millets.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Millets?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Aim higher than Millets, surely!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57What disappointments lay in store
0:17:57 > 0:18:00for torch-bearer Sarah Milner Simonds?
0:18:00 > 0:18:05- Was she lost in fog?- Lost in fog?! - Someone got lost in the fog.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10Yeah, they did. They got lost in the fog even though they were following someone with a flaming torch!
0:18:10 > 0:18:16- She thought she sold her torch... - And she didn't!- ..for £153,100,
0:18:16 > 0:18:20unfortunately this turned out to be a hoax. Ha-ha!
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Andrew Bell, who ran a leg of the journey in Cornwall,
0:18:24 > 0:18:26removed his eBay advertisement
0:18:26 > 0:18:28after messages of complaint were posted on the website
0:18:28 > 0:18:30but he explained:
0:18:46 > 0:18:49What caused confusion in Truro?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53They're Cornish, they'll always be confused in Truro.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- I'm going to Truro on Sunday for a gig.- Are you? Good luck, Paul!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59No, I'm dissociating myself from everything you say.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02You told me to say that before we came on, you know that.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Well, crowds lining the streets in the Cornish town
0:19:08 > 0:19:11saw someone running down the high street and got ready to cheer
0:19:11 > 0:19:13as the torch-bearer came past.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16According to the Daily Mail, however:
0:19:28 > 0:19:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:35 > 0:19:39And what were the organisers of a roadside hog roast
0:19:39 > 0:19:42advised not to do?
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Don't roast a hog by the side of the road.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Partially.- Don't light the fire, cos it's against health and safety.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50You're on the right track.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Don't use the torch to roast the hog.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Ah, yes, because if you used the torch to roast the hog
0:19:57 > 0:20:00then the hog becomes the keeper of the eternal flame,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03then you have to march through the streets with the hog.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- The sacred hog!- The sacred hog that's alight. It would just look stupid! - It would look silly.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Organisers told the Independent:
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Meanwhile according to the Daily Telegraph,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24thousands of people lining the streets
0:20:24 > 0:20:26have given the relay a carnival feel. For example:
0:20:33 > 0:20:36You Brits really know how to put on a show(!)
0:20:39 > 0:20:41You wait until you see our opening ceremony!
0:20:43 > 0:20:48- There will be hundreds of chips. Dancing chips.- Six or seven cod.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Boris in a giant cod costume.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54This is the Olympic torch,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57which is boldly going where no Olympic torch has gone before.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59GROANS
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Namely... Yes, I agree with you.
0:21:01 > 0:21:06Namely, Truro and Ilfraco-o-o-ombe.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09It sounds deeply sexual.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Kind of like a cigar advert.- Have you been to Ilfracombe?- I have.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17The place is laced with prostitution.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23That's their new slogan now!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27"Come and get laid in Ilfracombe!"
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Chelsea hero... Here we go again!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Didier...!- Yes!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39CHEERING
0:21:39 > 0:21:41..Drogbleurgh!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45..carried the torch through Swindon,
0:21:45 > 0:21:50although there was one awkward moment when John Terry stripped off
0:21:50 > 0:21:52and ran alongside him.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58Will.I.Am carried the torch through Taunton
0:21:58 > 0:21:59and thousands lined the streets
0:21:59 > 0:22:01to witness this once-in-a-lifetime sight.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Oh, my God, a black guy in the West Country.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10That's not racist, I'm the guy who kissed Uhura.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16You kissed green women, you kissed, sort of, silver women...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I discriminate not in colour.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22How did you know they had all the right anatomical...?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25It doesn't matter when you're kissing.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26OK.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Is there any life form you wouldn't kiss?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33No, to give it life, I would kiss at anything.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- The breath of life, from me... - Indeed.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- ..to them. - You bring people back to life?!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43He's not doing bad with this show, to be honest!
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- Now we're in round two. Yes! - CHEERING
0:22:47 > 0:22:52And I'm going to give you musical clues.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55This is from my latest album, which I take it you've heard.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:58 > 0:23:02OK, see, I appeal to the masses, not to the intelligentsia.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06OK, here we go.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08"ROCKET MAN" BACKING TRACK PLAYS
0:23:08 > 0:23:11And I think it's going to be a long, long time
0:23:13 > 0:23:18Till touch down brings me round again to find
0:23:18 > 0:23:23That I'm not the man they thought I am...at home.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Oh, no, no, no, no
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I'm a rocket man.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Anybody?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Anybody got an idea?
0:23:43 > 0:23:47I'm just overwhelmed by this!
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Is everyone experiencing this, or is it just happening in my head?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55There is a rocket, which is a commercial rocket
0:23:55 > 0:23:59that's been launched, and on it are the remains of your co-star.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- Yes, it is.- I read that in the Telegraph, and thought,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05how fitting and appropriate, Scotty's ashes going to space.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07And I turned the page and there was a report
0:24:07 > 0:24:10that the man who invented the TV remote control had died.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I thought, what they should do with his ashes
0:24:13 > 0:24:16is put them somewhere where you can never find them.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23Or with lots of urns, that look very similar.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25"Actually, that urn."
0:24:28 > 0:24:30This is the news
0:24:30 > 0:24:32that an exciting new era of commercial space travel has begun
0:24:32 > 0:24:34with the successful launch of the Dragon.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Shall we have a look at how this thrilling new dawn began?
0:24:38 > 0:24:44Five, four, three, two, one, zero...
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and liftoff.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51We have a cutout.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Liftoff did not occur.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56A spokesman for SpaceX told reporters:
0:25:00 > 0:25:04I don't know, it's not rocket science!
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- What was the problem blamed on? - Romulans.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It was expecting the universe to rush towards us.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15They were computer problems based on gremlins.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19The launch heralded a new era of privately-funded space travel.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20According to The Times,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23when a spokesman was asked:
0:25:26 > 0:25:28He replied:
0:25:32 > 0:25:38This is a major breakthrough in commercial space travel.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40According to The Times:
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Which explains why the jet thrust
0:25:46 > 0:25:49looked suspiciously like Olympic torches.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52According to The Independent,
0:25:52 > 0:25:56the space capsule will carry 1,000 lbs of cargo...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01And if none of the astronauts are in
0:26:01 > 0:26:04then they will leave a card telling them to pick it up,
0:26:04 > 0:26:07between eight and eleven, from their nearest asteroid.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12OK, another musical clue for you.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Oh, Canada
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I stand on guard for thee
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Oh, Canada
0:26:22 > 0:26:28We stand on guard...for...thee.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:36 > 0:26:41Are you reminded of any Canada-related news stories?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Have there ever been any Canada-related news stories?
0:26:44 > 0:26:47That old joke about Dean Martin, who saw a sign that said,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50"Drink Canada Dry", so he went there and did.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52You probably remember that first time around!
0:26:52 > 0:26:56- Yes, I remember that! That was page three on the joke book.- Yes!
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Did anyone get eaten by bears? That's quite a common story in Canada.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03That's a common story in Canada.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- And, uh...maple syrup.- Yeah.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14This is the news that a nude painting
0:27:14 > 0:27:18of the Prime Minister of Canada has been sold.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Here it is. It's entitled Emperor Haute Couture.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Yes. I must say the painting looks well hung.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Has that dog been fed?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I'd be nervous.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37The artist must be ecstatic about the sale.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Anyone like to hazard a guess as to her facial expression
0:27:41 > 0:27:42on hearing the news?
0:27:42 > 0:27:47Deep surprise, mixed with nostalgic longing for the 1950s.
0:27:51 > 0:27:57Uh, wh...?! Anybody else with a... with an equally important answer?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00This could be a new show, couldn't it -
0:28:00 > 0:28:03- Guess The Facial Expression!- Yeah. - Let's have a look.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07She's overjoyed.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11In other art-related news,
0:28:11 > 0:28:15what can you see at a new art exhibition in London?
0:28:15 > 0:28:19There's an invisible pillar. The artwork is not there.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- To make you think what MIGHT be. - Why is it not here?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23- In a sense, it IS here.- Hmm.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25ANDY: I can see it.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29But you're on special medication.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31The Hayward Gallery is gathering together
0:28:31 > 0:28:3450 invisible works by famous artists for display.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Shall we have a look at a couple?
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Ah, yes, well, these are twin pieces.
0:28:38 > 0:28:43The first one is A White Persian Cat In Snowstorm.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45The other one is...
0:28:45 > 0:28:46Lib Dem Manifesto.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:52 > 0:28:56This is the naked painting of Canadian premier, Stephen Harper.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57According to BBC News...
0:29:01 > 0:29:04So have I, but that's none of your business.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06The painting of the Prime Minister's naked penis can be
0:29:06 > 0:29:09seen on a wall in a public library,
0:29:09 > 0:29:13hanging between two Pollocks.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22- It's good, it's an art joke! - That's Jackson to you.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26Meanwhile, in London...
0:29:26 > 0:29:28a new exhibition of invisible artworks
0:29:28 > 0:29:30will open to the public in June.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32According to The Times...
0:29:34 > 0:29:38So the one thing they can see...
0:29:38 > 0:29:39is you coming.
0:29:41 > 0:29:46A final musical clue for you now.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49MUSIC: "God Save The Queen" by the Sex Pistols
0:29:52 > 0:29:55God save the Queen
0:29:55 > 0:29:57The fascist regime
0:29:58 > 0:30:00They made you a moron
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Potential H-bomb.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Anybody got any ideas?
0:30:06 > 0:30:10Other than throwing me out!
0:30:12 > 0:30:15Is it the Rite Of Spring by Stravinsky?
0:30:16 > 0:30:21- I preferred that to the original. I like your Common People.- Oh, thanks!
0:30:21 > 0:30:22APPLAUSE
0:30:22 > 0:30:26It's a serious fan club up there! Are you from Canada?
0:30:26 > 0:30:30WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:30:30 > 0:30:32It's all beginning to make sense.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35When Charlie said, "I like your Common People," for an awful moment,
0:30:35 > 0:30:37I thought that meant you kept slaves.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Well, this is news that three pensioners were evicted from
0:30:42 > 0:30:47a royal-themed tearoom for refusing to stand up
0:30:47 > 0:30:48- during the National Anthem. - Oh, yes.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51- Who owns the tearoom? - A mad lady.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53It's Anita Atkinson,
0:30:53 > 0:30:57whose personal views on the monarchy are a little unclear.
0:31:00 > 0:31:023pm every day...
0:31:07 > 0:31:10Oh, that's nice and respectful(!)
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Is there anything else about the tearoom that the ejected
0:31:14 > 0:31:17pensioneers disliked, apart from the National...
0:31:17 > 0:31:19"Pensioneers"? That's a good word.
0:31:19 > 0:31:23- That makes them sound more get up and go.- There's four of them...
0:31:25 > 0:31:30- But it has such a common sound.- No, I love it.- And you want pensioneers!
0:31:30 > 0:31:32- Like pioneers.- Pioneers, exactly.
0:31:32 > 0:31:37- People who go out and get those... - And rest.- ..winter fuel allowances.
0:31:39 > 0:31:40And say, "One for all and all for...
0:31:40 > 0:31:43"Sorry, I've forgotten what I came in here for."
0:31:44 > 0:31:48You people are messed up!
0:31:48 > 0:31:51And I say that coming from a country that brought you
0:31:51 > 0:31:54the sandwich in a can and a TV channel for dogs.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00The tearoom also contains a huge collection of royal memorabilia.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02Any guesses as to what?
0:32:02 > 0:32:06Surely the Queen has the largest collection of royal memorabilia.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09- In her wardrobe! - Is it Princess Margaret?
0:32:11 > 0:32:12According to the BBC...
0:32:17 > 0:32:19- That's not respectful, is it?- No.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26The model of Kate Middleton was very similar to the real thing,
0:32:26 > 0:32:29as when she turned sideways, you can't see her.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33Time now for the odd one out round. Ready?
0:32:33 > 0:32:34Joaquin Phoenix.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Staines.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38A boat called Bin Laden 1.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40And tiger bread.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42- BUZZER - Ian and Charlie?
0:32:42 > 0:32:46Staines has recently changed its name
0:32:46 > 0:32:49in order to appear more upmarket.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52- So it's called itself Staines-upon-Thames.- Yes.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56Which is marginally better than Staines-upon-Trousers.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01And tiger bread, that changed its name
0:33:01 > 0:33:05because a child wrote to the supermarket.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09As if children can now decide what foodstuffs are called.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12If I had written to a supermarket when I was six years old,
0:33:12 > 0:33:15I would have said, can we call beans fart pills?
0:33:18 > 0:33:22- What about his name?- Joaquin. - Joaquin Phoenix. He's changed his name.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25Yes, he was something like Leaf or something like that before.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28There was River Phoenix, the kids had names like Leaf and Tree...
0:33:28 > 0:33:31I don't know the rules of this game, but isn't it their four?
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Well, you know, it's about, sort of,
0:33:33 > 0:33:37although they are an opposing team, I feel there's a spirit of humanity
0:33:37 > 0:33:39that we can make friends. Was there any sort of television series
0:33:39 > 0:33:42you were in that gave across that idea that civilisations...
0:33:42 > 0:33:45It's a competition! You should be at each other's throats!
0:33:45 > 0:33:48ANDY: We're under attack, Cap'n!
0:33:52 > 0:33:56- Wait, wait, coordinate, let's go this way.- That's it.
0:33:56 > 0:33:57That's it, that's it.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Well, you're right, guys.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02They've all changed their names, apart from
0:34:02 > 0:34:04the Bin Laden boat, although it will be required to,
0:34:04 > 0:34:08because the authorities think it's a security risk.
0:34:08 > 0:34:09But it hasn't yet?
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Laurence Godfrey, who owns the boat,
0:34:11 > 0:34:13said his son Dylan wanted a silly name.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16He heard the name Bin Laden on TV and thought it was funny.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20They honestly think that's a security risk?
0:34:20 > 0:34:22If they changed its name to the Exploding Death Boat...
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Joaquin Phoenix's family name was changed back in 1978.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Would anyone like to hazard a guess
0:34:29 > 0:34:32as to what Joaquin Phoenix's name was?
0:34:32 > 0:34:33Derek.
0:34:36 > 0:34:37Bottom!
0:34:37 > 0:34:40CHARLIE: Joaquin Bottom!
0:34:40 > 0:34:44- You can see why you'd change that! - That's the brother of River Phoenix.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47So, River Phoenix's real name was River Bottom!
0:34:49 > 0:34:52That's exactly right.
0:34:52 > 0:34:57If your family is called Bottom, you don't call your kid River, do you?
0:34:57 > 0:35:01- I mean...- Or Smelly.- Yeah, Smelly. Yeah.
0:35:02 > 0:35:06In one interview, Joaquin Phoenix claimed that he suffers from...
0:35:09 > 0:35:12Or, as a real actor calls it, range.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:18 > 0:35:22Time now for the missing words round, which this week features
0:35:22 > 0:35:24as its guest publication,
0:35:24 > 0:35:29the British Water Tower Appreciation Society.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31I was going to read the whole edition,
0:35:31 > 0:35:35but I'd already completed one five-year mission.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37And we start with:
0:35:41 > 0:35:43Water tower performs songs from the shows?
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Leader performs badly.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56ANDY: Look at that.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00William Hague's father recently clambered onto a flying aircraft,
0:36:00 > 0:36:03completed long hikes, climbed mountains,
0:36:03 > 0:36:05and he still can't shake off the bastard.
0:36:10 > 0:36:15"Will you get away from me, son? Let me die in peace!"
0:36:15 > 0:36:17Next:
0:36:23 > 0:36:25ANDY: Left-wing subversives.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28- CHARLIE: Mad. - Sad.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30ANDY: The enemy within.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40I understand "anoraks" is a British term for obsessive fans who
0:36:40 > 0:36:43devote their lives to something that doesn't matter.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Don't knock that, guys, it pays my pension.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:53 > 0:36:54CHARLIE: Wipe?
0:36:54 > 0:37:00- Clean. - Clean, but spelt CLE-E-E-E-E-AN!
0:37:06 > 0:37:10This is a story of an unidentified cleaner who became
0:37:10 > 0:37:13an internet hit because of this video.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31She's missed a bit there!
0:37:31 > 0:37:32Next:
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Tortoise to harangue the nation.
0:37:38 > 0:37:43ANDY: Britain's rudest Royal to tell nation to stick Jubilee up its arse.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51This is the closure of Palfrey and Kemp,
0:37:51 > 0:37:56a shop in Leamington whose owners, Terry Palfrey and Geoff Kemp,
0:37:56 > 0:37:59were described by The Independent as being...
0:38:01 > 0:38:03And soon there will be a sign on the door that says,
0:38:03 > 0:38:05"Fuck off, we're closed!"
0:38:06 > 0:38:08That is rude.
0:38:08 > 0:38:12I never thought I'd hear Captain Kirk say that.
0:38:12 > 0:38:16What about TJ Hooker? He was meant to be a policeman!
0:38:16 > 0:38:17Next:
0:38:21 > 0:38:22Features water tower.
0:38:31 > 0:38:36Readers of Grimsby local papers have been treated to an edition
0:38:36 > 0:38:39smelling of freshly baked bread.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Though I have no idea how, in Grimsby, you can smell the bread
0:38:42 > 0:38:46in the newspaper through the overpowering stench of rotting fish.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50CHARLIE: What's Grimsby done to you?!
0:38:51 > 0:38:54Compared to Ilfracombe, very little.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Next:
0:39:00 > 0:39:01Regained India.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13But only because she had run out of stamps,
0:39:13 > 0:39:16so she had to slam her head against the envelope.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22Is that the funniest thing you've ever heard?
0:39:22 > 0:39:25BANG! Mail this!
0:39:27 > 0:39:32And so, the final scores are,
0:39:32 > 0:39:36- Ian and Charlie have four... - No, they don't.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39LAUGHTER
0:39:40 > 0:39:44- It's the other way round. - Ian and Charlie have six.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47- It's not important! - It's not accurate!
0:39:47 > 0:39:51- And Paul and Andy have seven. - Seven! Hooray!
0:39:51 > 0:39:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:59 > 0:40:03On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:03 > 0:40:06Ian Hislop and Charlie Brooker,
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Paul Morton and Andy Hamilton...
0:40:08 > 0:40:10- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - What have I done?
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Should I be here? Shall I go?
0:40:15 > 0:40:19- Paul MERTON.- Oh, I'm back!
0:40:19 > 0:40:23On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:23 > 0:40:24Ian Hilsop and Charlie Brooker...
0:40:26 > 0:40:30On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
0:40:30 > 0:40:34and Charlie Brooker, and Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:41 > 0:40:45And I leave you with the news that at the G8 summit,
0:40:45 > 0:40:49the decision on whether Germany should fund the euro bailout
0:40:49 > 0:40:51goes to a show of hands.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Day one of his Australian outback holiday,
0:40:58 > 0:41:01and it's the same old story for George Michael.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07And at the Institute of Contemporary Dance,
0:41:07 > 0:41:11rehearsals are under way for its carefully choreographed new work,
0:41:11 > 0:41:14Clegg and Cameron, The Coalition.
0:41:20 > 0:41:21Good night.
0:41:49 > 0:41:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd