0:00:02 > 0:00:05They've asked me to do this for 10 years and, with impeccable timing,
0:00:05 > 0:00:08I chose the week that Tony Blair was at the Leveson Inquiry.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Alastair Campbell.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52In the news this week, at Ealing Studios,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55MGM announced they've been screen-testing a new leading man
0:00:55 > 0:00:57for a remake of Silence Of The Lambs...
0:01:05 > 0:01:07After Pudsey the dancing dog wins Britain's Got Talent,
0:01:07 > 0:01:09his embittered old double-act partner
0:01:09 > 0:01:12called round to accuse him of stealing his act...
0:01:19 > 0:01:22And in Paris, auditions begin for the new movie,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24The Nicolas Sarkozy Story.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33On Paul's team tonight is a broadcaster and presenter
0:01:33 > 0:01:35who is a big supporter of the Labour Party,
0:01:35 > 0:01:39so that's two points to Paul's team already, thanks to Nick Hewer.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And with Ian tonight, a stand-up comedian who recently said,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51"I wouldn't mind being a politician, but I'm not sure how well my jokes would go down."
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Yes, it can be tricky - Gordon never really got
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Tony's ironic "You can take over soon," quip.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Please welcome Ross Noble.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02APPLAUSE
0:02:06 > 0:02:08And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Paul and Nick, take a look at this.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Oh, right, yes. This is a series of U-turns.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Here we are - the Cornish pasties of great controversy.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Caravans - static Cornish pasties will be charged the same VAT
0:02:19 > 0:02:21as moving Cornish pasties. There's collections -
0:02:21 > 0:02:24people can give money to charity without suffering tax.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- That's buzzards. A lot of them about. - Yes. There's the austerity, which is so bad
0:02:27 > 0:02:30we might have to live in black-and-white 1950s England again.
0:02:30 > 0:02:35We can't afford colour, and there's the man who's been psychologically damaged when we want to pay for it.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- Did you see the Sun headline on the pasty story?- No, what was it?
0:02:39 > 0:02:43It said, "The Chancellor listens to The Sun readers."
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- No, he didn't - he listened to The Sun, as per usual.- Yeah.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47- Is that right?- Yes.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50And also there should be inverted commas around the word "readers".
0:02:50 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:58 > 0:03:03So, yes - this is a week of U-turns by a rotten, useless, out-of-touch government full of idiots.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07How many U-turns has the government made now?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Well, if you do two U-turns, you've ended up back where you started, haven't you?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16They've made 34 U-turns in two years,
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- or 35 if you count their "No U-turn" policy.- Oh, right.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Let's have a look at one of the main causes of controversy -
0:03:23 > 0:03:26in my opinion, deeply unappetising and stuffed full of crap.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Who knew that Greggs did a venison and foie gras range?
0:03:32 > 0:03:38How can a pasty now escape 20% value-added tax?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42- If it's allowed to cool gently in the moonlight.- Yeah.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Yeah, and the government, essentially, has done a U-turn
0:03:45 > 0:03:47on a number of things which the public don't agree with.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50And that's not government, as you know, Alastair.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54A million people march past saying, "We don't want the war," you don't LISTEN to them.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I think for not letting the first five minutes pass
0:04:01 > 0:04:03without mentioning Iraq, Ian is deducted one point.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06No, but you must say he skilfully introduced the subject,
0:04:06 > 0:04:10because we were talking about pasties.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15A pasty won't attract VAT as long as it isn't reheated or kept artificially hot.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19How are Revenue And Customs going to ensure
0:04:19 > 0:04:22that bakers charge the right amount of tax
0:04:22 > 0:04:24on pies and pasties at different temperatures?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Travelling food inspectors armed with thermometers
0:04:27 > 0:04:31to thrust into pasties to check the inner ambient temperature
0:04:31 > 0:04:33and then the external temperature
0:04:33 > 0:04:36and then calculate, using the Lewis-Duckworth method...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38LAUGHTER
0:04:38 > 0:04:40..which team would have won if it hadn't had rained.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44That is absolutely brilliant, but wrong.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47They've said they will not be doing spot checks on bakers at all.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50"There has to be," say HMRC, "an element of trust.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53"We are not here to try to catch people out."
0:04:53 > 0:04:58- What?- Another U-turn involved the Justice And Security bill published this week.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01What are civil liberties groups worried about?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Secret courts.- Mm-hmm. Why?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Yes, they were very worried about this government's plans
0:05:07 > 0:05:10to have more things like inquests conducted in secret.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13And I think it's pretty important, with inquests,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15that all the facts come out.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Back to U-turns, and the latest one is buzzards.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- Anyone know what that's about? - They're breeding furiously.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32- And they're eating all the poults. - Pheasants?- Young pheasants, yeah.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- And, in fact, we've got one, thank you very much.- OK. Right. - What, you've got a buzzard?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Yeah.- It's interesting, but wrong. - Not with me.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Buzzards have been attacking and eating pheasants that are specially...
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- That's just what he said! - No, he didn't.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- That's just what he said! - He said he had a buzzard.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Oh, hang on - have you searched him?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Have you patted him down?
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Look, can I just say, there are two versions here - Alastair's and Nick's.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Why don't you just change the information on the card?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Sorry, sorry. What? What? He said it. It was you!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- He did not say it - YOU said it! - He said it.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18He's a highly skilled ventriloquist.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21It's not fair. You can't put me next to him
0:06:21 > 0:06:23and expect me not to join in just a little bit.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Can this contraption do minus?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- You just smash it and we'll go hell for leather.- OK.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Jolly good.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Now, that really is enough about the government's bad week...
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Oh, no, sorry - Andy Coulson.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Where did he unexpectedly find himself this week?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44In the back of a cop car heading to Scotland.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Mm. Because?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Because they want to have a word.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:55 > 0:07:00I had absolutely no idea that you were a gangster. It's brilliant.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Andy Coulson. - He's been arrested for perjury.- Yes.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- During a trial where someone else was on trial for perjury.- Yes.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10While he was actually working for the Prime Minister,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13which is pretty shocking. Are you shocked, Alastair?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I'm shocked.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I'm glad you're shocked cos, you know, some of the people
0:07:18 > 0:07:20that this government have been hanging about with -
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Rebekah Brooks? Know her at all?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I do.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Were you shocked when she was arrested?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I've been shocked by lots of things, Ian.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER He's been charged, though. Not just arrested - he's been charged.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Which is why Ian's being so careful.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42About Andy Coulson, but not about me.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Well, they haven't charged you yet.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Is it hot in here?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58In case anyone thinks I'm being gratuitous -
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I know that Alastair is going to be reasonable tonight
0:08:01 > 0:08:05because he told Leveson, "I am robust, but I am not a bully,"
0:08:05 > 0:08:08so no matter what anyone says, you're going to be really reasonable.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Tonight?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12No.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17That's good, though, to remember, like, if your kid gets caught kicking a fat kid.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Just go, "No, he's not a bully - just robust."- Robust.- He's robust.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It probably seemed like a good idea when you said "yes".
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Did anyone see Andy Coulson's replacement, Craig Oliver,
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- complaining about BBC coverage? - Can we have a look?- Yeah.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Here he is having what the papers described as "an angry rant"
0:08:44 > 0:08:46at the BBC's Norman Smith.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48You could've... That, effectively...
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Having a spider's web with a picture of the Prime Minister in it
0:08:51 > 0:08:54and a picture of Jeremy Hunt in it and a picture of James Murdoch in it
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- and saying in your piece that, by the way, having...- I think that...
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- I rest my case.- Well, I think... - I really rest my case.- Oh.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Oh, dear.
0:09:07 > 0:09:12I mean, call that a rant? He didn't even head-butt him.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14And he didn't threaten to close the BBC down either.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- Oh, here we go. - He's got nothing.- Here we go.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Do you want to get a job in a post office?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29- Right, on the subject of the BBC. - Oh, yes.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34What is the latest annoying gimmick being used by on-screen reporters?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- Oh, flashing their boobs. Is it the boob flash?- No, no boob flash.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42It's doing the live pieces to camera
0:09:42 > 0:09:45when they're right in amongst the people that they're talking about.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Here's Newsnight's Paul Mason with an example.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52The French president has disrupted not just the traffic
0:09:52 > 0:09:55here in Brussels, but all the patterns of previous summits,
0:09:55 > 0:10:00but what he needs now is action on his growth agenda.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- And here he is again. - Mrs Merkel has become the nay-sayer.
0:10:06 > 0:10:12She arrived saying "no" to the creation of common Eurobonds to stabilise the currency,
0:10:12 > 0:10:17but for all Merkel knows, she is isolated at this summit.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21But she can go on being isolated as long as the majority of Germans
0:10:21 > 0:10:25believe she is doing the best she's ever done for their country.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35Dear God. Yes, this is the Tories' humiliating U-turn on the pasty tax,
0:10:35 > 0:10:39which will inevitably lead to the resignation of the Chancellor,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42the collapse of the coalition and the triumphant return
0:10:42 > 0:10:45of a resurgent Labour government under lovely Tony Blair.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50At least, that's my spin on it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54The Conservatives have performed another U-turn over plans
0:10:54 > 0:10:56to capture buzzards and destroy their nests.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59The problem was that buzzards were eating pheasants
0:10:59 > 0:11:01that were being specially bred for pheasant shoots.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Here's an idea - if you're a Tory toff with a shotgun,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07why not forget about the pheasants and just shoot the buzzards?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Or, even simpler, just shoot each other.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14There we go - incitement to murder. You heard it here first.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I thought you'd lost interest for a minute there.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Right, time now for Ian and Ross's question.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- The Leveson Inquiry... - CHEERING
0:11:34 > 0:11:38..can come over as a bunch of boring media tossers talking about themselves, Ian,
0:11:38 > 0:11:45so I've decided to liven it up a bit with my own Leveson-ometer.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50So, who is this and what has he been banging on about?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- Well, it's the return of Tony Blair. - Much missed.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Yes! Yeah...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Yes.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- But, no...- To be fair, he was brilliant at Leveson.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11He didn't even flinch. He didn't blink at any point. You trained him well.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14When that guy jumped out and said, "You're a war criminal,"
0:12:14 > 0:12:17he didn't even... He just went, "Yeah, whatever," like that.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20He didn't say, "Yeah."
0:12:20 > 0:12:22In his soul he did.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Oh, I resent that. The suggestion he has a soul. God.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31APPLAUSE
0:12:34 > 0:12:36So, there he was again doing the gestures,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40saying "hey", saying, "frankly" - which means "not frankly".
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- With respect, Ian...- Well...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I know you were friends...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53..but the idea that you can say that Osborne's full of shit
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- and then defend Blair is unbelievable.- Sorry?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03The worst thing is I heard you use the word "spin".
0:13:03 > 0:13:05You said, "That's my spin on it," just now,
0:13:05 > 0:13:09and Tony said neither you nor anyone else who worked for him, ever span.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- No, they said... - He said you and Lord Mandelson
0:13:12 > 0:13:15were terrifically good at presenting a positive case,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17but he resented the idea of spinning.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- No, he talked about bullying, Ian, and who's the bully today? - He's just being robust.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25That's all he's doing.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- Well, Tony's testimony... - I watched him. God knows why.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32You know what?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36I get the feeling that at any moment you two are going to kiss.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Tony's testimony was interrupted
0:13:41 > 0:13:44by a protester called David Lawley Wakelin.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- What did he accuse Tony of? - He said he was a war criminal.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49But he was a very British protester.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51He said, "I'm terribly sorry I've interrupted everything.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54"I just wanted to say that you are a war criminal."
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Everything went swimmingly
0:13:58 > 0:14:01until we noticed that he was wearing the vegan sandals.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03And my...
0:14:03 > 0:14:05How dare you? How dare you?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Any serious protester, leave the vegans at home
0:14:09 > 0:14:12and wear proper shoes cos as soon as you see the sandals, you think, "Nutter."
0:14:17 > 0:14:21That's a great point worthy of an extra point for Nick. Thank you.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Ian, what's the most important part of Tony's brilliant testimony?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27You've already alluded to it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29It was the song and dance number I liked.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- They edited it from the Sky News coverage, but...- No.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- Not that bit?- It was the bit where...- "No spin in my time?"- Yeah.
0:14:36 > 0:14:41- He confirmed that I never bullied journalists.- Right.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43No, I think he confirmed that he didn't know about it.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48- Yeah, yeah.- He did the old Murdoch defence.- He said...
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Notice, "I never authorised them - they did it off their own bat."
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:04 > 0:15:09But what else does Tony say happens when you stop being Prime Minister?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13You make tons of money for doing nothing.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16He actually said....
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Which is a lovely line, which I wrote.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:29 > 0:15:32There's a typo. It should say "culpable".
0:15:32 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:39 > 0:15:42On the subject of incompetent, unpopular people,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44who has Tony Blair been secretly advising?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Oh, our Prime Minister
0:15:46 > 0:15:51and the President of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Separately?- Who knows?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Hmm.- Is that true, Nick? - True.- Really?- Mm.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I might be saying it's a conference call.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Ian, tell us why Lord Leveson might be cross with you in the future?
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Is he coming on this show? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- He'd make an amazing guest host.- He did talk about you. Did you see it?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- No, I missed it.- He said you were a "buccaneer".- A buccaneer?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Is that rhyming slang?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29How dare he - he's happily married.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Let's have another little spin.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Well, that's Hunt himself.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I thought it was Chris Packham.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45He went back in front of Leveson, he answered all the questions -
0:16:45 > 0:16:48why were there thousands of e-mails from your office,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51why was your assistant in constant contact with a lobbyist -
0:16:51 > 0:16:54and he gave his evidence and they didn't really
0:16:54 > 0:16:57get anything further out of him and the Prime Minister has announced it's fine.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02He's innocent, he doesn't have to be referred to the standards committee,
0:17:02 > 0:17:04and, with one bound, Hunt is free.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I thought the most interesting thing that came out
0:17:07 > 0:17:10was that he denied socialising with News Corp lobbyist Frederic Michel.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14This is, of course, despite it being revealed previously at Leveson
0:17:14 > 0:17:16that Hunt once texted Michel...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- It just lacks maturity.- Mm. - He's a boy.- He's a boy.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Furthermore, he stuck his dirty little finger into The Apprentice and wrote to the BBC and said...
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Oh, my God!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- ..because Lord Sugar... - Which apprentice was this?
0:17:34 > 0:17:38..was a Labour peer, that therefore The Apprentice was a politically motivated thing
0:17:38 > 0:17:40and it should be delayed until after the election.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Ridiculous.- Pathetic. - Absolutely ridiculous.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- What - Hunt accused you of being politically motivated?- No.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48The Apprentice show, which is a fine business show
0:17:48 > 0:17:50and got nothing to do with politics at all,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53and he messed schedules around so he deserves everything he gets.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Back to the fourth form.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:59 > 0:18:03What did Hunt text James Murdoch on the day that the European Commission
0:18:03 > 0:18:06announced it would not be intervening over the BskyB bid?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08"Woo-hoo! LOL."
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- I mean, more or less, he texted him, "Oh, Brussels out the way - just OFCOM to go."- Correct.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Almost word for word - I'm going to give you a point.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20CHEERING
0:18:24 > 0:18:26That is the problem - when they're reading out those text messages
0:18:26 > 0:18:30there hasn't been a single smiley face, you know?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34And that's what's missing from the whole thing. It needs...
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I nearly said "sexed up", but I'm going to say
0:18:37 > 0:18:40just showbiz. A bit of showbiz in there.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Now, a meeting between Hunt and Murdoch was cancelled
0:18:43 > 0:18:45on legal advice that it would be inappropriate.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- So what did Hunt do instead? - They had a phone call.- Correct.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Cos that's much more appropriate. - Another point. Yes, why...?
0:18:52 > 0:18:57Do I get a point every time I suggest the Tories are nearly as bad as you lot?
0:18:57 > 0:19:02And once I saw some footage of him kicking an orphan.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Hunt?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Why was a phone call more appropriate?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15He was nude.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Turned up in his office, "Right... Oh, sorry. I'll ring you, I'll ring you."
0:19:22 > 0:19:26There are other ongoing investigations beyond Leveson and dodgy news-gathering techniques.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30How has ex-News Of The World journalist Neville Thurlbeck stirred things up a bit?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- He's dropped a little bomblet in, hasn't he?- Has he? - He was interviewed somewhere
0:19:34 > 0:19:37which dropped a little bomblet, but I can't remember what the bomblet was.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- You don't remember what the bomblet was?- No, tell me.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- A bomblet? That's amazing. - It's a shock.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Oh, I thought it was like an exploding omelette.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48"Would you like the full al-Qaida breakfast?"
0:19:50 > 0:19:54He told MP Tom Watson that News Of The World hacks
0:19:54 > 0:19:58were briefed to dig dirt on MPs on the select committee by people he called...
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Which is next door to World Of Leather.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10This week, the Leveson enquiry was interrupted by an earnest man who was polite but ineffectual.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13And after Vince Cable had finished his evidence, he shuffled off home.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Tony appeared at the Leveson enquiry and spoke for over four hours,
0:20:17 > 0:20:21which, at his normal rate, works out at just under a million quid.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23So, to round two.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Normally it is the picture spin quiz,
0:20:26 > 0:20:30but I don't have anything to do with spin so as an ardent monarchist
0:20:30 > 0:20:34I've come up with something to mark the Diamond Jubilee. Fingers on buzzers.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36TRUMPET FANFARE
0:20:36 > 0:20:39BELL RINGS What are you doing?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43I've lost my spectacles. Oh, they're here.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45LAUGHTER
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- Sorry about that. They went down there. Sorry, Paul. - That's all right, never mind.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52The ones he used to watch Blair - they're sort of rose-tinted.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Simon and Garfunkel are making a comeback.
0:21:00 > 0:21:07Yeah, it was Engelbert, wasn't it? Who sadly failed in every respect.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- I went to Baku once. - Did you?- Did you?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Flip-flops cost 40 quid a pair.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Amazing. It's the most expensive place in the world.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17They must have been pretty good flip-flops.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I didn't buy them.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- What were you doing in Azerbaijan? - I was on my way to Kazakhstan. - Kazakhstan? Oh, right.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Yes. And I was stuck in Bakru.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Don't go.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER
0:21:29 > 0:21:31What was Kazakhstan like?
0:21:31 > 0:21:35The extraordinary thing is, right through Kazakhstan there are pictures of Conrad Black.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40- Are there?- Extraordinary, yeah. And he's holding his hand out to young children.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I thought, "What the hell has Conrad Black got to do with anything?"
0:21:43 > 0:21:49And then, of course, I suddenly realised he's an absolute dead ringer for Nursultan Nazarbayev.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52The two could be like brothers. Maybe they are.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57So, there are mounting calls for Britain to pull out
0:21:57 > 0:22:00of the Eurovision Song contest after Engelbert embarrassed the nation.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Where did he finish? - He was second last.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Yeah, second to last. Beating only...?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Just a waitress. He just got really angry.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12No. He beat Norway though. The Sunday Times tried to cheer him up
0:22:12 > 0:22:15by writing that "at least he did not die".
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Who were labelled the real stars of Eurovision this year?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Oh, the Russian grannies? - The Russian grannies.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Or, as Engelbert calls them, "teenagers".
0:22:27 > 0:22:29THEY SING IN RUSSIAN
0:22:44 > 0:22:46The thing about that song is,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49that's actually a protest song about pasty tax.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's what that is.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56This is, of course, Eurovision.
0:22:56 > 0:23:02According to the Sunday Times, the UK's catastrophic result was largely due to tactical voting -
0:23:02 > 0:23:05not the first time that tactical voting has ended in disaster for Britain,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08as you will know if you voted Lib Dem at the last election.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Or Labour in the previous three.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Fingers on buzzers.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- BUZZER RINGS - Ian.- It's Robert Mugabe. - That is Robert Mugabe.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24He's 88. He's having a party. He's celebrating the Jubilee.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- He's been made a Goodwill Ambassador by the United Nations.- Close-ish.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31He's been made a bluecoat at Pontins.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34That's closer. This is the news that murdering dictator
0:23:34 > 0:23:36and international pariah Robert Mugabe
0:23:36 > 0:23:39has become a UN ambassador for global tourism.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- I knew that, yeah. - No, he's taken over from Gaddafi.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47- How has this come about? - It was a prank that went wrong.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48According to the Metro...
0:23:58 > 0:24:01..where Kim Jong-un will be celebrating his humorous side
0:24:01 > 0:24:03with his little-known Tommy Cooper impersonation.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08What has Mugabe just revealed that he has in common
0:24:08 > 0:24:12with John Major, David Mellor and Suggs from Madness?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16A love of two-tone.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- POSH ACCENT:- Two-tone?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23A form of popular music in the mid-to-late '80s, your honour.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26One Step Beyond, I believe.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- That he's a Chelsea fan. - Is he really?- He's a Chelsea fan,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34and what does his wife have to do when a game's on, do you know that one?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Dress up as Frank Lampard?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39According to The Sun, Mugabe said...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50White farmers, Morgan Tsvangirai...
0:24:50 > 0:24:53On the subject of violence in football,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55how has Sol Campbell been suggesting England fans
0:24:55 > 0:24:59might travel back from the Euros in Ukraine this summer?
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- He said...- In coffins, wasn't it? I mean, he didn't suggest that was...
0:25:03 > 0:25:04What they should do.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09Yeah, because the guy at Ryanair went, "Now THAT'S an idea!"
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I gave up on Ryanair when I went on a flight and they said,
0:25:12 > 0:25:16"You can't go through - you've got to put toothpaste and everything in a plastic bag."
0:25:16 > 0:25:20So I got to the front of the queue and they say, "No, you've got to pay for the plastic bag."
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- A pound.- A pound, so you have to go to the back of the queue again,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25pay and then come forward again. Unbelievable.
0:25:25 > 0:25:3075 quid for them to print out your boarding pass on the...
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I'd like to go on record and say Ryanair are shit.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:40 > 0:25:44I might tell you, I once went to a casino in Odessa
0:25:44 > 0:25:48and I was the only person there who hadn't got a broken nose -
0:25:48 > 0:25:49and that included the women.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51He's a gangster.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53It's true.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Extraordinary.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Black Sea Hotel, Odessa, the casino's next door.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Don't go.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07You're like a walking don't-go-on-a-trip advisor.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10To be honest, I think that would be brilliant.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Just half an hour, a TV show -
0:26:12 > 0:26:15forget all them kids and people doing business and that -
0:26:15 > 0:26:18just you sitting there, just cool as you like,
0:26:18 > 0:26:21just go, "I was in a Turkish brothel.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26"Oh, yeah. A fight broke out. I stabbed a man. Enough said."
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Fade to black. I'd watch it.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:33 > 0:26:36This is Robert Mugabe who was this week designated a Champion Of Tourism.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Robert Mugabe revealed this week that he is a Chelsea supporter
0:26:40 > 0:26:42and the even-worse news for Chelsea
0:26:42 > 0:26:46is that he's still not their most embarrassing celebrity fan.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Right, fingers on buzzers.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58This is about adverts that have been complained about.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01This one here is about a load of guys playing football and then they kick a cat.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Yeah, the top ten most complained-about adverts in history.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Third on the list was the one we saw there from Paddy Power.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11- Shall we look at them officially not offending blind people or encouraging animal cruelty?- Yes.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14BALL JINGLES
0:27:19 > 0:27:21CAT COLLAR JINGLES
0:27:26 > 0:27:30And, Paul, for ten points, the most complained-about ad was...?
0:27:30 > 0:27:35- There was one KFC one which was people talking with their mouth full.- Correct.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Shall we see that?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40THEY SING
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Why would anybody bother to complain about that, though?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56You don't want kids copying the ads, I think that's a good enough reason.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58What's really offensive about that
0:27:58 > 0:28:00is when they take the chicken out of their mouth,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03- that's still how they talk.- Yeah.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08They went to one of the worst drama schools in London.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Yeah, it was terrible.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- The John Merrick Academy Of Drama. - That's right, yeah.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16MUMBLES LIKE THE ELEPHANT MAN
0:28:16 > 0:28:19And the trouble is that all the students get together and they go,
0:28:19 > 0:28:23"Right, be an animal," and they all go, "I am not an animal!"
0:28:23 > 0:28:26"I am a man!"
0:28:26 > 0:28:30And then at the end it just says, "KFC! Finger-licking good!"
0:28:30 > 0:28:32GROANS
0:28:35 > 0:28:38- I mean, dodgy ads with three letters are very worrying, aren't they?- Yes.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41WM...D...
0:28:43 > 0:28:46I mean, people could get the wrong idea.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Might think they existed.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51But those are different letters completely.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54I admire your stamina.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:01 > 0:29:05An ad in 2000 from Yves Saint Laurent featuring a naked Sophie Dahl
0:29:05 > 0:29:10was deemed "too sexually suggestive and likely to cause widespread offence."
0:29:10 > 0:29:12Let's just check if that's still the case.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17Could have been a lot worse - it could have been Roald Dahl.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23I wonder if she talks with her mouth full.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26This got complaints because it caused car crashes, didn't it?
0:29:26 > 0:29:29I'm not surprised. That's her listening to Radio 3.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33If she tweaks the other one she gets 5 Live.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:36 > 0:29:40On the subject of brands, what have staff at Torbay Hospital
0:29:40 > 0:29:43been given in recognition for a hospital winning a prestigious award?
0:29:43 > 0:29:46BUZZER RINGS Kit Kat.
0:29:46 > 0:29:50The top brass... No, we've got to make up some points.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53I can't just be talking bollocks for the rest of the show.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58The top brass got a slap-up meal and all the staff got Kit Kats.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01Yeah, brilliant. A voucher for a Kit Kat worth 60p.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05They didn't even get a Kit Kat - they got a VOUCHER for a Kit Kat!
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Talk about a slap in the face. "Look, we're just getting a Kit Kat."
0:30:08 > 0:30:11"No, you have to go and claim that."
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Oh, for God's sake.
0:30:13 > 0:30:20Hang on, was it one Kit Kat each or was it four people have to have one finger
0:30:20 > 0:30:24or was it the King Size Chunky Kit Kat?
0:30:24 > 0:30:27- I haven't got a f...clue. - Well, get your...
0:30:27 > 0:30:30you've got to get the information right.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34- Just check it.- Do you remember who you're talking to?- Oh, sorry. Yeah.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37APPLAUSE
0:30:39 > 0:30:42This is the list of the most complained-about adverts
0:30:42 > 0:30:45which has been released by the Advertising Standards Authority.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49One of the most complained about was for a bookmaker that showed...
0:30:51 > 0:30:55it received over a thousand complaints, but the good news is,
0:30:55 > 0:30:57the cat survived and the man has landed a two-year contract
0:30:57 > 0:30:59with Blackburn Rovers.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Time now for the Odd-One-Out Round,
0:31:02 > 0:31:05Ian and Ross, your four are Barack Obama Senior,
0:31:05 > 0:31:06Ratko Mladic,
0:31:06 > 0:31:07a monkey on a dog
0:31:07 > 0:31:09and the Dear Leader's wife.
0:31:12 > 0:31:13ROSS: Is it riding dogs?
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Don't you...don't you...what?
0:31:19 > 0:31:20What?
0:31:20 > 0:31:22It's about goats.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Barack's father kept goats.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27- Yup, he was a goat-herder. - Cherie's acting the goat.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30No. Do you remember anything
0:31:30 > 0:31:33- about Mladic when he was arrested? - Well, he was a war criminal.
0:31:33 > 0:31:34Yeah.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36LAUGHTER
0:31:39 > 0:31:42I don't remember any goats being killed.
0:31:42 > 0:31:43He was with goats.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45He was WITH goats?
0:31:45 > 0:31:47What, hang oh, you mean he was wi...with goat?
0:31:47 > 0:31:49What?
0:31:49 > 0:31:51That's a miracle!
0:31:51 > 0:31:54Do you think Cherie's ever had experience with goats?
0:31:54 > 0:31:55- Um...- Oh, behave.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59What's the Cherie link with goats?
0:31:59 > 0:32:00Maybe there isn't one.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02Cherie's the odd one out.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Ten points.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Well done.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09They've all herded goats apart from Cherie Blair
0:32:09 > 0:32:12who will do so in the next few weeks.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15Cherie is herding 20 goats
0:32:15 > 0:32:18over London Bridge next month for charity. She is.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23- Has she any previous... - ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Does she get money for every live goat she gets across the bridge?
0:32:26 > 0:32:28There's quite heavy traffic.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Is she strapping them to Volkswagens?
0:32:32 > 0:32:35- Can she fire the goats, is she allowed to...- Out of a cannon?
0:32:35 > 0:32:38She could put them in a cannon and fire them at people on the other...
0:32:38 > 0:32:41for every per... Is it like Angry Birds but with live goats?
0:32:41 > 0:32:45An American animal display team called the Ghost Riders
0:32:45 > 0:32:47features monkeys riding dogs, herding goats.
0:32:47 > 0:32:52I believe Velcro is an essential ingredient.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54They've all herded goats apart from Cherie Blair
0:32:54 > 0:32:56who will do so in the next few weeks.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59It's a strange thing to do for publicity, I accept,
0:32:59 > 0:33:01in the old days you'd just tell the world
0:33:01 > 0:33:03about what contraceptive equipment...
0:33:04 > 0:33:06I hate that word.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08It's a strange thing to do for pub-pub...
0:33:08 > 0:33:10LAUGHTER
0:33:10 > 0:33:13Campbell stumbles over the word "publicity."
0:33:13 > 0:33:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:21 > 0:33:24According to The Independent...
0:33:28 > 0:33:32How petty, I thought, while I was out walking my dogs Gordy, Mandy
0:33:32 > 0:33:34and Clare Short.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Paul and Nick, here's yours -
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Buckingham Palace, the key participants at the Leveson Inquiry,
0:33:40 > 0:33:42a Storm Trooper from Star Wars and the Gherkin.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44I think that's a cake,
0:33:44 > 0:33:46I saw this the other day in one of the newspapers,
0:33:46 > 0:33:49somebody's produced cakes based on key participants
0:33:49 > 0:33:52in the Leveson Inquiry, so it's got to be the representation of things.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54Let me see, the cake is the odd one out,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57cos all the others have official representations of themselves.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01They've all been made out of cake apart from Buckingham Palace
0:34:01 > 0:34:03which has been made out of spring rolls.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Well, it survived 200 years, I have to say, it's done very well.
0:34:08 > 0:34:14A model of Buckingham Palace has been made out of 3,000 duck spring rolls
0:34:14 > 0:34:18by the supermarket Iceland to mark the Diamond Jubilee.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20- Here it is.- NICK: Bravo.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22Anyone know what it's called?
0:34:22 > 0:34:23Duckingham Palace?
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Correct.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28As for the key participants of the Leveson Inquiry,
0:34:28 > 0:34:34a baking website has made all the key players in the Leveson Inquiry
0:34:34 > 0:34:36into cakes on a stick.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39- Including ALL the participants? - ALL the participants, Ian!
0:34:39 > 0:34:43- Would anyone like to see Ian?- What?!
0:34:46 > 0:34:48Well, you never have to work again cos you can sue
0:34:48 > 0:34:51for every single penny they've got.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55I must say, I've always wanted to see Ian's head on a stick.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58The iconic London skyscraper
0:34:58 > 0:35:01is being baked by the engineering firm Arup.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05How tall will the Gherkin cake be?
0:35:05 > 0:35:0680 foot.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09- No, it's life-size. - Life-size?- Life-size.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11No, Paul is nearer.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14So he's now up to 53.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17It'll be two storeys high, 16 foot. The Gherkin is, of course,
0:35:17 > 0:35:21an iconic landmark in the heart of London's financial district
0:35:21 > 0:35:24and features heavily in every episode of The Apprentice.
0:35:24 > 0:35:25And why shouldn't it?
0:35:25 > 0:35:27After all it's only ten miles
0:35:27 > 0:35:31- from the fake boardroom in Woolston where you film it, Nick.- Easy on!
0:35:31 > 0:35:35- Is that true, Nick?- I think it's a silly business making cakes out of all these things,
0:35:35 > 0:35:38- why would you...- Absolutely! - LAUGHTER
0:35:38 > 0:35:42- Silly business, yes. - Is it not a real boardroom?
0:35:42 > 0:35:45I QUITE like...I quite like the Storm Trooper one.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49They've all been made out of cake apart from Buckingham Palace
0:35:49 > 0:35:51which has been made out of spring rolls.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53The Royals don't have Chinese takeaways,
0:35:53 > 0:35:56not since the time they foolishly allowed Prince Philip
0:35:56 > 0:35:58to go and answer the door.
0:36:00 > 0:36:01Um...
0:36:03 > 0:36:06They're on your face, just there.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10Look, I've got my glasses,
0:36:10 > 0:36:13but I don't have my Missing Words cards.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16No, the words aren't meant to be in there.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18LAUGHTER They're "missing".
0:36:18 > 0:36:21- PAUL:- Walking in, I'm going in.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24- Missing Words.- MAN: there'll be red stickers on them.
0:36:24 > 0:36:25ROSS: Is that them? MAN: Yes.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30NICK: Was he sitting on them?
0:36:30 > 0:36:33I've got your wallet down here, an' all.
0:36:33 > 0:36:39- LAUGHTER - Oh, and for that heinous act, we're reducing him five points.
0:36:39 > 0:36:40LAUGHTER
0:36:40 > 0:36:42Time now for the Missing Words Round
0:36:42 > 0:36:47which this week features as its guest publication Spinning News.
0:36:49 > 0:36:50And we start with...
0:36:54 > 0:36:56- The answer...- ROSS: Oh, hang on.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58- The answer: No.- What?- That's right,
0:36:58 > 0:37:00- the missing word's in the question.- Yeah.
0:37:00 > 0:37:01- So shut the- BLEEP- up.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04LAUGHTER
0:37:04 > 0:37:08I thought you were meant to be, like, all cool under pressure,
0:37:08 > 0:37:11- and you've just said, "Shut the- BLEEP- up."
0:37:11 > 0:37:13I told you I'd get him to snap, didn't I? Didn't I?
0:37:13 > 0:37:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:21 > 0:37:22What the HELL is that?
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Carry on, Ian.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Security!
0:37:26 > 0:37:28BAGPIPES GROAN
0:37:28 > 0:37:31BAGPIPES PLAY
0:37:35 > 0:37:37BELL RINGS
0:37:37 > 0:37:38That doesn't work it!
0:37:45 > 0:37:46I give up, I did it! I did it!
0:37:46 > 0:37:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:53 > 0:37:55Do you know what he was playing there?
0:37:55 > 0:37:57The BSkyB Boat Song.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00The answer is...
0:38:01 > 0:38:02Next...
0:38:04 > 0:38:06If you say Labour, I'll play my bagpipes again.
0:38:06 > 0:38:11No, that would be ridiculous to say Labour, it's NEW Labour.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13APPLAUSE
0:38:16 > 0:38:18- Nazi.- Is it, um...what?
0:38:18 > 0:38:20- Nazi.- Nazi!
0:38:20 > 0:38:23- Was the worst party ever. - ROSS: Don't go that far.
0:38:23 > 0:38:24Sorry, I was answering the question,
0:38:24 > 0:38:28I was looking at you, but I was answering the question.
0:38:28 > 0:38:29The answer is...
0:38:32 > 0:38:34You've obviously never been invited
0:38:34 > 0:38:37to one of Ed Miliband's Boggle and fondue evenings.
0:38:38 > 0:38:39Next...
0:38:43 > 0:38:44NICK: Wear Spandex.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49The Queen never sweats in public, she stinks.
0:38:49 > 0:38:50- Sneeze.- Sneeze.
0:38:50 > 0:38:54- Why does the Queen never what? - Sneezes!- Sneeze! Well done, Paul.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57This is from an article about the Queen's personal habits and foibles.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59I think I was following advice on that answer,
0:38:59 > 0:39:02I wasn't sure but you seemed to be confident, so I went with "sneeze."
0:39:02 > 0:39:04But at this point, I haven't looked at all the possibilities, of course,
0:39:04 > 0:39:06and I'll be listening to other interested parties
0:39:06 > 0:39:09- on the various aspects of this question. - APPLAUSE
0:39:09 > 0:39:11Good.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15- No, you were right, Paul.- Can we have the Attorney General's opinion?
0:39:15 > 0:39:17Yeah, and then ignore it.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19APPLAUSE
0:39:22 > 0:39:26This is from an article about the Queen's personal habits and foibles,
0:39:26 > 0:39:29apparently, when it comes to drinking tea...
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Whom she sends down to the kitchen to brew up a mug of builder's
0:39:34 > 0:39:36with lots of milk and three sugars.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38Finally...
0:39:40 > 0:39:42ROSS: Internet egg sites?
0:39:48 > 0:39:51A lonely chicken is being encouraged to lay eggs again
0:39:51 > 0:39:54after watching videos of other hens on an iPad.
0:39:54 > 0:39:58The story reveals that the tabloids have a very tenuous grasp of nature.
0:39:58 > 0:39:59The Daily Mail...
0:39:59 > 0:40:01- HE SPITS - ..headline was...
0:40:05 > 0:40:06HE?! A hen?!
0:40:09 > 0:40:12So the final scores are Ian and Ross 2,
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Paul and Nick 55.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16Very good. APPLAUSE
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition,
0:40:25 > 0:40:26Ian and Ross have this...
0:40:26 > 0:40:27ROSS: Look at that twat!
0:40:31 > 0:40:33And, Paul and Nick, you get this...
0:40:33 > 0:40:37It's guardsman selected for live sacrifice
0:40:37 > 0:40:39as climax to Jubilee celebrations.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:44 > 0:40:48On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Ross Noble,
0:40:48 > 0:40:51Paul Merton and Nick Hewer, and I leave you with news
0:40:51 > 0:40:54that after speaking for four hours at the Leveson Inquiry
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Tony Blair is told he won't be receiving a fee.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04In London, someone finally replies to a penis-enlargement e-mail.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10And in the wardrobe department at The Apprentice
0:41:10 > 0:41:14there's an awkward silence as Karren Brady tries on a short skirt.
0:41:20 > 0:41:21Good night.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58The security here is tighter than for Leveson
0:41:58 > 0:42:02and hecklers will be swiftly and forcibly removed, Ian.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04WAR CRIMINAL!
0:42:04 > 0:42:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE