0:00:29 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Daniel Radcliffe.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45In the news this week - as austerity begins to bite,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47one old lady stops by to check on her bank balance.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56As the inquiry into inappropriate behaviour at the BBC
0:00:56 > 0:00:57reaches Blue Peter,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59one star from the '70s issues a strenuous denial.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02DOG BARKS
0:01:11 > 0:01:13It has been years in the creation,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16but at long last Amstrad unveil their answer to Apple's MacBook Air.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22And in the week of his pre-Budget announcement,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24there is more bad news for George Osborne,
0:01:24 > 0:01:27as it emerges that even Mr Bingley has had his house repossessed.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33With Ian is a comedian who I insisted was on the show,
0:01:33 > 0:01:34because he's very funny,
0:01:34 > 0:01:38but mainly because he makes me look tall. Andy Hamilton.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And with Paul, is one of the few former Radio One DJs
0:01:47 > 0:01:50that we're comfortable having on the show, please welcome Sara Cox.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55APPLAUSE Can I, um...can I just say...
0:01:55 > 0:01:58um, I'm...I'm not actually former
0:01:58 > 0:02:01unless you know something that I don't.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04In which case, it's pretty cruel telling me like this, Daniel.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- I'm sorry, this is how we're breaking it to you.- OK, fine.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09We start with the biggest stories of the week,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Ian and Andy, take a look at this.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Andrew Mitchell, the former chief whip, caught on CCTV.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20- Yep. It's a controversy about... Oh. - Oh, hello, hate mail.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22..PC Pleb And Proud, of the Hampshire Pleb And Proud.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23And that's Michael Crick,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26the reporter who's got to the heart of this story.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- What is the heart of this story? - The heart...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32It's Christmas panto.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34The heart of the story is that everyone thought
0:02:34 > 0:02:37that the bad person here was the chief whip, Andrew Mitchell,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40but it may be that it's the police themselves.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Ooh-ooh! - AUDIENCE: Ooh-ooh!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Thank you, I said it was panto!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47That's sort of how these stories run now.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I don't think the police would behave like that.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52What do you think, boys and girls?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- Oh, no, they wouldn't! - AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, they would!
0:02:57 > 0:03:02- They wouldn't fake a police log? - AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, they would!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Yes, I think they would.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Would they have it in for the chief whip
0:03:06 > 0:03:10because he was trying to impose odd terms and conditions on them?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, they would!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Are we doing the whole show like this?- Yeah.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Are you easily manipulated?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, we are!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Some more than others though.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27That's the programme done, let's all head to the pub.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Works better this way.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32I'm very angry about this story because it's making me feel sorry
0:03:32 > 0:03:35for Andrew Mitchell, and that's a feeling I don't like.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39I like this story cos it's the first one I've ever seen
0:03:39 > 0:03:40where a policeman
0:03:40 > 0:03:44is accused of impersonating a member of the public.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47You know, a lot of police misconduct is down to boredom.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50If you're a policeman, your job is to stand by a gate.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53It's getting towards the end of the day,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55you see the one with the short temper coming towards you.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59He's pushing his bike, so you say, "Oh, sorry, Mr Mitchell,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"this gate is only for disabled unicorns now."
0:04:02 > 0:04:04You can't come through here, you know.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07And then, as he goes off, "Sorry, Mr Mitchell, what's that?
0:04:07 > 0:04:08"Can you talk more slowly,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"so it can all be written down by a pretend tourist over there."
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Yeah, but I mean, you do have to remember
0:04:13 > 0:04:16that this is the first government for a good 20 years
0:04:16 > 0:04:18that's tried to reform the police.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It has tried to cut pay and wastage.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22There's been a report into the police
0:04:22 > 0:04:25by this man called Tom Winsor, and they don't like it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27And the Police Federation is quite seriously...
0:04:27 > 0:04:31If you think, you know, there are dark forces at work in his world,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33you should try the Police Federation.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- You've just compared the head of the Police Federation to Voldemort!- Yep.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39The chief of the Met's in a very difficult...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- Was it Hogan-Howe?- Hogan-Howe.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- '70s cop. - He's in a very difficult situation.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Cos the eyewitness who was a member of the public,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50was neither a member of the public, nor an eyewitness.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53But the rest of it, the rest of it could all be true.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Yeah. The small detail of him not having been there is the problem.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59We thought we'd try a little experiment here.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Paul, if I could give these to you. We're going to watch the footage.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- And I'm going to play Andrew Mitchell.- OK.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- You're going to play the policeman. - Can we play shocked tourists?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- Yes! And if you...- We won't speak, we'll just do extra's acting.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Good, good.- Can I be the cat? Have they still got a cat at Downing St?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21I just want to get involved. I'll just sit and maybe... Miaow!
0:05:22 > 0:05:23All right.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Let's see if we can make the alleged conversation fit with the pictures.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Can I exit through the main gate, Officer?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Sorry, Sir, cycles have to exit at the side pedestrian gate.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Sorry, Officer, I am the chief whip
0:05:36 > 0:05:38and I always exit through the main gate.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40It is the policy for us to open the side pedestrian gate
0:05:40 > 0:05:42and I'll be more than happy to open this for you,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44no officer present can open the main gate,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46as this is the policy we have been directed to follow.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47No! I am the chief whip!
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I am the chief whip, open the main gate!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I am more than happy to open the side pedestrian gate for you, Sir,
0:05:53 > 0:05:55but it is policy that we are not to allow cycles
0:05:55 > 0:05:57through the main vehicle entrance.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I'm not exiting through the pedestrian gate!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Come along now, there's a good gentleman.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Best you learn your- BLEEP- place, you don't run this- BLEEP- government,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- you- BLEEP- plebs.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10You've got a point there, Sir, I agree with you.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16APPLAUSE
0:06:16 > 0:06:18It's dangerous as well cos that's a really busy road,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21so that could've been like, "You'll see..."
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Ian, you're quite informed, can you explain to me...
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Oh, no, he isn't!
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Nobody thought he was, they didn't want to...
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Can you explain why all inquiries seem to take so long?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Um, yes. - And why they're always so expensive?
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Um, because there are lawyers involved,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43um, and lawyers have to take a long time,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45because they're paid by the hour.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Good, thank you for clearing that up for me.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Just give two minutes to Eric Pickles
0:06:51 > 0:06:54who is by all accounts totally in touch with...his briefs.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Um, what is his latest forward-thrusting initiative?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59It's not the council tax thing?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- He actually has written a book. - Eric Pickles has written a book?!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Yeah. You know what it's about?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Is it My Early Struggle?
0:07:06 > 0:07:07A celeb autobiography.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09My Anorexic Hell?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13He's actually four blokes in one suit.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Um, yes.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17It's a book called 50 Ways To Save
0:07:17 > 0:07:21and it has tips for local councils on how to save or make money
0:07:21 > 0:07:26including opening a shop in your office. Yes, um...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30He has already done this.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Yeah.- What does his shop sell?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Biscuits.- There you go! No, it doesn't.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- Pies.- No, no pies, unfortunately.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Is it a blacksmith's?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Shoe a horse.- He sells...
0:07:44 > 0:07:48He's a government minister, what's he doing selling socks and shirts
0:07:48 > 0:07:50in his... Am I missing something?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Who would like to see Andrew Marr talk to Boris Johnson
0:07:54 > 0:07:55about population statistics.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Yes, please(!)- It's more interesting than it sounds.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Since I've been Mayor Of London, in the last four years,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05the city seems to have acquired another 600,000 people.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- I'm not saying it is all down to you...- Down to me!
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Yes, this...- That's a bit rich coming from Boris, isn't it?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22At least a couple of hundred thousand are his.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25What are you inferring, Sir? The reason why he's got a bike?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Yes, this the exact opposite of Bradley Wiggins,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Britain's least-popular cyclist, Andrew Mitchell.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37The Sun reported the latest developments
0:08:37 > 0:08:39over Andrew Mitchell's foul-mouthed tirade,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41but his defence seems trivial
0:08:41 > 0:08:44compared to another MP's callous incitement to violence.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51According to the police log, Andrew Mitchell told officers...
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Coincidently, what David Cameron wrote
0:08:56 > 0:08:58in Nick Clegg's Christmas card.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00APPLAUSE
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Paul and Sara, take a look at this.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07There we are, David Cameron and the aforementioned Queen,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10she's the first monarch to attend the cabinet meeting
0:09:10 > 0:09:14since about 1787, or something like that.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17You can see she's absolutely thrilled to be there.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20You know that brooch actually squirts water.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Watch, in a minute you'll see.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Well, I think her standard phrase doesn't work with the Cabinet.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27"And what do you do?" "I don't know."
0:09:27 > 0:09:28"What do you do?" "Don't know."
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- And they gave her some gifts. - Some gifts, yeah.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35Yeah, 60 place mats with pictures of Buckingham Palace on.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37No coasters, I noticed.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39What, just from a tourist shop?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42That is obviously what you get the woman who has everything,
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Something shit!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49She'd want a picture of somebody else's house on them. Not of her own.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Unless it is a subtle hint, this is where you live, in case she forgets.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58And the Foreign Office gave her a bit of Antarctica,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01but she wasn't impressed because they didn't even wrap it.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05We do have also the team photo to show you
0:10:05 > 0:10:07that was taken of the Queen, and her Cabinet.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09They're all having a fantastic time.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12And then just in the top right-hand corner, there,
0:10:12 > 0:10:13we have John Terry, I think.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Do you know what the Queen said during the meeting?
0:10:18 > 0:10:19This is hell, get me out of here.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Well, is this from...? When they took the photo, apparently,
0:10:24 > 0:10:28she said, "You are allowed to smile." And that brought the house down.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- Right.- This is why Prince Philip thinks that every joke he's ever said
0:10:32 > 0:10:33is hilarious.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Cos nobody ever says, "Actually, that's a crap joke, Your Majesty."
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Did she wish them all a happy Christmas?- She did indeed.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43You're absolutely right. That was one of the things she said.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45And then the other thing she said...
0:10:45 > 0:10:46I'm glad they put that in quotes,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49is that one of the quotes of the year?
0:10:49 > 0:10:50No-one else could have said that.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Didn't she say something about going to the bank?- Yes.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55She made a joke to George Osborne...
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Saying you haven't got any money left.- Pretty much.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Why have we got subtitles? It's not The Killing, is it?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I think most of us can get that.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- IMITATES QUEEN:- "Oh, have we got any gold bars?"
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Is she the mystery guest?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22There's a bit of a pattern developing,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24if you look at her last few weeks, right?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28She went to the Bank Of England, saw where they keep the gold.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32She was at Number Ten sussing out the joint this week.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36She's always, under any pretext, visiting army bases.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Clearly, she's planning a coup.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43What, to become head of state?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Yeah, yeah.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Since it's Christmas, who would like to see the UN Secretary General,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Ban Ki Moon, attempting to sing a Christmas song?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53# I'm making a list
0:11:53 > 0:11:56# Checking it twice
0:11:56 > 0:11:58# Going to find who's gonna...
0:11:59 > 0:12:02# Going to find out who's...
0:12:02 > 0:12:06# Naughty or nice
0:12:06 > 0:12:10# Ban Ki Moon is coming to town! #
0:12:10 > 0:12:12APPLAUSE
0:12:17 > 0:12:21If that doesn't bring peace to Syria, I don't know what will.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Can you imagine how bad the dictators feel?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26"Oh, no, have I been naughty this year?"
0:12:26 > 0:12:30ANDY: I just spotted Iain Duncan Smith in the corner doing something,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32it's like he's doing a sort of Leslie Phillips impression or something
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- in the corner, with his...- He's feeling his neck.- What's that about?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38SARA: There's one behind him doing it as well.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Maybe there's just a swarm of something.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"We don't want to create a fuss, the Queen's here,
0:12:42 > 0:12:46"but I'm being bitten by something tropical and..."
0:12:46 > 0:12:49It's like everywhere she goes, she's surrounded by locusts
0:12:49 > 0:12:50and we're not allowed to mention it.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Everybody's going, "Lovely to meet you. (What was that?!)"
0:12:54 > 0:12:56And the one on the end on the middle row,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I think that maybe the Queen's got nits cos look,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01he's, um...he's having a bit of a...
0:13:01 > 0:13:04SARA: Kirsty Allsopp's all right though at the back, there.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06She's fine, she's always popping up.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09This is the Queen's visit to Downing Street.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13The Queen's name was given to a huge stretch of land in Antarctica -
0:13:13 > 0:13:16cold, remote and shrinking by the year, the Queen is 86.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Ian and Andy here is another one for you.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- The building with a hole in it. - The BBC.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26And that's the chairman of the BBC Trust,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28introducing today's director general.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33This is the BBC looking into itself.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- It is.- The Beeb got absolutely slammed
0:13:35 > 0:13:37for not broadcasting a story about a paedophile,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40and then broadcasting a story about someone who wasn't a paedophile.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Which is a pity. Um...
0:13:42 > 0:13:45cos if they'd done it the other way round, we'd all be saying,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47"How brilliant!"
0:13:49 > 0:13:53When you put it like that, it doesn't seem so bad, does it?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56So, no-one's been fired, but the deputy head of news has resigned.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Yes, Steven Mitchell and the BBC have said he gets to...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06And then you get out and stay out! Um...
0:14:10 > 0:14:16This is a slightly bizarre thing that the BBC chairman, Chris Patten,
0:14:16 > 0:14:17had to say as the report was released.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- REPORTER:- Do you think he is honest, dishonest,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23do you think he has further questions to answer?
0:14:23 > 0:14:24And when did I stop beating my wife?
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Is that real?
0:14:29 > 0:14:33I don't know if that's him telling us that he has done that or...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I think he's trying to say the questions are all set up.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Right.- His wife might have been watching
0:14:38 > 0:14:40and might have got confused and thought, "Does he?"
0:14:40 > 0:14:43The only man to lose his job, George Entwistle,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45what has he said about the report?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- It's exonerated him. - Yes, completely.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I mean, the big question was whether they didn't put out the Newsnight
0:14:51 > 0:14:56in order to put out tributes to lovable DJ Jimmy at Christmas.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58And a lot of journalists and cynical people
0:14:58 > 0:15:00thought they ditched the investigation
0:15:00 > 0:15:04so they could put out a lovely light-ent, "Isn't Jimmy wonderful?"
0:15:04 > 0:15:06but the report said that isn't true.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Yes, George Entwistle has said...
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Although Entwistle is still facing an inquiry
0:15:13 > 0:15:16as to why he did allow the continued broadcast of The One Show.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23He made it very clear that he told Helen Boaden
0:15:23 > 0:15:26and two other BBC executives...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I can't work out what that means
0:15:35 > 0:15:37and I managed to get into The Chamber Of Secrets when I was 12.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42So nothing really happened at the end of this report.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- But how much did it cost? - £2 million.- Yes.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Which you could have fired four Entwistles for.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52I worked at the BBC... from 1976 I started,
0:15:52 > 0:15:57and I can tell you it was a hot bed of boorish,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59sexist, misogyny,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02just like the Post Office, where I worked in '75
0:16:02 > 0:16:05and Harrods where I worked in '74.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07And you don't need an inquiry
0:16:07 > 0:16:09to find out the prevailing attitudes of the 1970s,
0:16:09 > 0:16:11just watch an episode of On The Buses.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15It strikes me, the three institutions you've mentioned,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17you've worked in all of them, so...
0:16:17 > 0:16:19that's odd, isn't it?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23After ending relations this week
0:16:23 > 0:16:25with the Bureau Of Investigative Journalism
0:16:25 > 0:16:27following the McAlpine debacle,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30which hard-hitting investigation did Newsnight break this week?
0:16:30 > 0:16:34- Oh, I've not been watching Newsnight. - No, nobody has. Um...
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Are they underpaying the elves?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- Father Christmas has questions to answer.- Mmm.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Newsnight has spent time looking into the onesie. Let's look at it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47REPORTER: The onesie? On Newsnight?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50You're laughing now, I mean that metaphorically.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55But at least you're forewarned for when you unwrap one next week.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59# Have yourself a merry little Christmas... #
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Have you got one?- A couple.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Sewn them together?- Yep.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14It's a twosie.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19What's the collective noun for more than one onesie?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21A multi-sie.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I've always wondered, does anyone know
0:17:23 > 0:17:27what you call one hundreds-and-thousands?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Sorry?- Cos in America they're called sprinkles...- Yes.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32..but here they're hundreds and thousands,
0:17:32 > 0:17:33so what do you call one on its own?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Um... A euro!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39On the subject of shameless cover-ups at the BBC,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42has anyone else noticed what keeps happening to Andrew Neil's hair?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Yes, it keeps getting set on fire.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- No, it's getting...it's getting darker.- Yes!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Mysteriously dark for a man of his age.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Um, it keeps changing, here he is.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- And then here he is again.- Yes. - SARA: Oh-oh.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57And again.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59He's like Benjamin Button. And again.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- And finally, last Sunday. - SARA: Ooh.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08It's getting that kind of conker colour, isn't it?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Yeah, that colour called Berlusconi brown.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14This is the long-awaited Pollard report, which has concluded
0:18:14 > 0:18:18that the BBC was completely wrong 30 years ago to employ Sue Pollard.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Following the Pollard report, the former Newsnight editor,
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Peter Rippon, has been moved to new duties,
0:18:26 > 0:18:28he has been moved from head of arses to head of elbows.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34The revelations have continued to hit the front pages,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37and this week included the shocking BBC Bungle Probe.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Not Bungle too.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Nobody is sure who fixed it for BBC head of news, Helen Boaden,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48to stay in her job.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Paul and Sara, here's another for you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Yes.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Um... Oh, that's...
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Right, um...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Oh, this is a very complicated way
0:18:59 > 0:19:01to show the world is going to finish in a...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Blimey, look at that, that's the end of Leamington Spa.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Yeah, the Mayans, I believe,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10believed that the world's going to finish tomorrow or today,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13if we are going to pretend this is today, it's Friday today.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14It's not really, it's Thursday.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18But Friday, the world is going to end in about three minutes time.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Which is a nuisance for Ian, cos he's in the lead.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Should we all just...does everyone want to stand up in the audience
0:19:25 > 0:19:28and say who they really hate, bosses, in-laws and that,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31get it all out now, because the world's going to end anyway.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Or make love. Just make love.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I'm sure if the world was going to end,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38the start of that process would have already begun, who knows?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Nobody believes this, the Mayans don't either.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43No. Why might it not be correct?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46One in ten people are a little bit worried about it.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48But it's just a calendar, it's a very long cycle.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Like when it goes from spin to rinse.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Or from April to May.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Anyway, a lot of people have misinterpreted it
0:20:01 > 0:20:05and thought the Mayans are very, sort of, deep and prophetic people
0:20:05 > 0:20:08so they must know it's the end of the world.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- Have they got other things right before?- No.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14The image of the Mayans is complete...bollocks,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16as we archaeologists would say,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19cos I've been to... They're all gathering at this place Chichen Itza,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22um, this week and I've been there and there's about 30,000 of them
0:20:22 > 0:20:26gathering to see this shadow snake down the temple of...
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- It's good that bit though. - ..Kukulkan. Yeah, it's impressive.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- Yeah, I saw that. - But the stone carvings...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33We were on holiday together.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36We're out now, that's fine.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39You wearing that shirt was a bit obvious, I thought.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43There was a Mr Liu Qiyuan - I'm definitely saying that wrong -
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- who has built something, do you know what?- An ark. A shelter.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Underground bunker, sort of thing?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51It's a sort of...survival pod, I think is what he calls it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Yes, there it is.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55SARA: Is that completely hollow,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58cos if it starts rolling he's going to get properly bruised,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00if he's just rattling around.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03ANDY: Yeah. He's also very reliant on where it rolls
0:21:03 > 0:21:06as to whether he can get out or not.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09He says it is tsunami proof if you close the door.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12But what if the earth is invaded by giant football-loving aliens.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Anyway, NASA has felt obliged to respond to all this bollocks,
0:21:17 > 0:21:18sorry speculation.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- They've made a film. They released a four-minute film.- A film?- Yes.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24A four-minute film called...
0:21:24 > 0:21:28And they released it a week early, it begins...
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Get a life.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39British reaction has been wonderful and British and restrained.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42The AA have been issuing advice for motorists.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46If the world should end, pull over to the nearest lay-by.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49You know what? It's that good. It's really that good.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51They said drivers should...
0:21:54 > 0:21:57And what did the London Fire Brigade advise?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Put a hosepipe in your mouth and turn the tap on.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14During the Cuban Crisis, I was only very young, obviously,
0:22:14 > 0:22:18and the night when the crisis peaked and it looked very dangerous,
0:22:18 > 0:22:22I was laying in my bed and my dad had just tucked me up
0:22:22 > 0:22:24and as he was going out the door, he said,
0:22:24 > 0:22:28"Well, just think, we might not be here in the morning, night-night!"
0:22:31 > 0:22:32"What?"
0:22:35 > 0:22:36But actually, in a way,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39that's quite a good attitude to have, isn't it?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43He couldn't control Khrushchev or Kennedy, so what do you do?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Just terrify your children.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Yes, this is the end of the world, due to happen any moment now,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51or if you are watching the repeat, wha-hey!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53This is according...
0:22:55 > 0:22:57This is according to the Mayan calendar.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I've not seen it, but I imagine Miss December looks very gloomy.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05According to the Guardian...
0:23:09 > 0:23:13And knowing China, for those 90 people, it probably will.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17And so to Round Two,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Daniel Radcliffe's Jolly Wonderland Of Festive Christmas Tidings.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Here's a lovely winter scene by Bruegel.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27- Oh...- And there are clues to the news stories which he kindly painted in.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Oh, no! - BELL RINGS
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Is this Starbucks offering to pay some tax?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45It's not, this was the news that a Starbucks campaign
0:23:45 > 0:23:47to spread the cheer has backfired,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49after it was hijacked by Twitter users.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51So, next to the Natural History Museum,
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Starbucks is sponsoring the ice rink,
0:23:53 > 0:23:57and you were allowed to text in any message you liked
0:23:57 > 0:23:58as long as you put...
0:24:01 > 0:24:03It started off quite nicely. Um...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- And I don't... - That one was Oscar Wilde.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I don't think it's worth me reading the next one, but finally...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56But that was predictable, wasn't it?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58You wouldn't have to be a Mayan to see that coming.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03This is the Starbucks Twitter screen at the National History Museum
0:25:03 > 0:25:05which was hijacked by tax protestors.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10One of the tweets displayed at the Natural History Museum said...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Something they agree with down the road at the HMV & A,
0:25:17 > 0:25:19and in New York at the Google-heim.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Fingers on buzzers, here's the next clue.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27BELL RINGS
0:25:30 > 0:25:31ANDY: This is the norovirus
0:25:31 > 0:25:35which is going to make Christmas very toilet-centric.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37The yuletide logs of thousands of Britons
0:25:37 > 0:25:39will be a bit softer this year.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44Apparently, the norovirus has hit 880,000 people so far.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45In March of this year,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48at my daughter's two-year-old birthday party,
0:25:48 > 0:25:52we basically nearly wiped out three generations of our family,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55and about three or four classes at the school as well
0:25:55 > 0:25:58because everybody left and everybody was ill that evening.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01And I triple checked how I cooked the sausages,
0:26:01 > 0:26:05cos I thought, "It's the sausages," but luckily, it was norovirus.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12The doctor said you can literally just touch a wall, walk away...
0:26:12 > 0:26:15And we were doing the traditional northern party game
0:26:15 > 0:26:16of Touch The Wall.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Ooh, touch the wall!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21And then, you know, it can just stay there,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24and everybody touches the wall and they win a prize.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28The Health Protection Agency has given some advice...
0:26:31 > 0:26:34It's odd now that you have to tell public to wash their hands
0:26:34 > 0:26:36after they've been to the toilet.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39You don't think that should be done in school?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Basically, everything Daniel just read out
0:26:42 > 0:26:44comes under the heading of common sense, doesn't it?
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- But you're not allowed to have that any more.- No, no, it's gone.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50And I'm a young person, that's why I read it out,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- not recognising it as common sense. - How very true.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Don't worry, young person.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58You will grow wise and old one day!
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Sounding a bit like Dumbledore.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Why was Hogwarts never inspected by Ofsted?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Children being eaten by serpents,
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Ofsted have questions to answer, I think.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- It's a private school, though. - Oh, that's true, yes.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19It's not much of a title - Harry Potter And The Ofsted Report.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23What happens if you find yourself in an enclosed space at sea
0:27:23 > 0:27:26and someone on board has the norovirus?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Duck.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Throw them overboard.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Just trail a dinghy behind, put all the ill people in the dinghy
0:27:32 > 0:27:34with some crisps and that...
0:27:34 > 0:27:35and an iPad.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- It'd be all right for a couple of days.- Yeah.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- You should be a nurse!- Yes.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43I've got that... People say I'm caring like that.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45That level of compassion - in a dinghy, crisps.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50300 passengers on board P&O's luxury cruise ship the Oriana
0:27:50 > 0:27:51were struck down by the bug
0:27:51 > 0:27:53leading to it being labelled...
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Imagine showing off your photos
0:27:56 > 0:27:59when you get back from the plague ship.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Here's Barry and June that we met, they're from Derby.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03There's June on her hands and knees.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Barry's rubbing her back and holding her hair back, he was ever so nice.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09A lovely couple.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12We went to their funeral on Tuesday.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14It was a nice day, we had crisps in a dinghy.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17She had that same cardigan that she bought in the Bay Of Biscay.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21They buried her in it, apparently.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23How did these unfortunate puking people react?
0:28:25 > 0:28:29At first, completely in an over-the-top dramatic way,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32then suspicion entered their eyes.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Then, a cursory turn of the head and a quick glance back,
0:28:34 > 0:28:38meeting your eye for a second, then looking towards the distant horizon.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39And then, throwing up.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Picture that quick. First bit's romantic and then bleurgh.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Well, yes, they demanded refunds.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53You can't have your sick back, I'm sorry, it's ours now.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55When the ship returned to port...
0:28:56 > 0:28:59- At least we think that's what they said.- Yeah.
0:29:00 > 0:29:01This is the norovirus,
0:29:01 > 0:29:04or to put it in terms Harry Potter fans will understand,
0:29:04 > 0:29:06from both ends it's expelliarmus.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18BUZZER
0:29:18 > 0:29:22SARA: Did a dog eat lots of Christmas lights,
0:29:22 > 0:29:25and then when he passed them they were still lit and fine?
0:29:28 > 0:29:32As you say, there is a dog that's eaten a lot of Christmas lights,
0:29:32 > 0:29:36how did the dog's owner Charlie...? No, sorry, Charlie was the dog,
0:29:36 > 0:29:40the dog's owner is Sharon and I'm sorry, Sharon.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44How did she find where the missing lights were?
0:29:44 > 0:29:46He started flickering. Intermittently.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49She took him to the pet hospital after...
0:29:51 > 0:29:52She's thorough, isn't she?
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Here is a picture of Charlie taken by the vet,
0:29:57 > 0:29:59that's not an X-ray, he's plugged in.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Charlie has been described as a repeat offender.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06- What else has he eaten? - Has he eaten anyone's homework?
0:30:06 > 0:30:11- No. My dog genuinely did eat my homework once.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14He ate my copy of Just William, which I was supposed to be doing a report on.
0:30:14 > 0:30:19And I had to go into school and say, "Really, the dog ate it."
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Did the teacher say, "Fantasy again, Potter".
0:30:23 > 0:30:24What would they say?
0:30:24 > 0:30:27You're not on a film set, now, Dan, all that standard crap.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30And I was like, "I know! I'm a lot less happy."
0:30:31 > 0:30:33And nobody's getting me coffee.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37I know, who are all these other people?
0:30:37 > 0:30:38They're so close to me! Um...
0:30:40 > 0:30:43APPLAUSE
0:30:44 > 0:30:46This is Charlie the dog who needed surgery
0:30:46 > 0:30:49after swallowing a string of festive Christmas lights.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52As he prepared to face the operation, his owner gave him a hug
0:30:52 > 0:30:53and his little face lit up.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01After swallowing the Christmas lights,
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Charlie was on the critical list,
0:31:03 > 0:31:06then he was off, then on, then off again...
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14- BELL RINGS - There's nothing on our monitor.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17MAN: It's stuck for a moment.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Can someone go out to Woolies?
0:31:23 > 0:31:25ANDY: You don't get one now.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Craftiest bit of theft I've ever seen.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31Does he work here? Hang on a minute.
0:31:33 > 0:31:34There was nothing wrong with it!
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Nobody knows him from Adam, that bloke.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38He's just come in. Yeah.
0:31:39 > 0:31:40Loads of people.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48I should just move, shouldn't I? Sorry.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51ANDY: Sara? If there's any inappropriate behaviour...
0:31:53 > 0:31:56Hang on, we've got UK Gold on our one now.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59Is this the moment when the world ends?
0:32:01 > 0:32:04It's one of the first penguins ever to be seen
0:32:04 > 0:32:06during the Middle Ages.
0:32:06 > 0:32:07Does anybody know whose penguin?
0:32:07 > 0:32:11This is a peasant gathering winter fuel, are we going to use penguins?
0:32:11 > 0:32:15This is the news that a pub mascot called Elvis
0:32:15 > 0:32:16is being held ransom
0:32:16 > 0:32:20- in a bid to stop the landlord playing Christmas music.- Ah.
0:32:20 > 0:32:24They left a note saying, "Elvis has left the building."
0:32:24 > 0:32:26How did the landlord find out?
0:32:26 > 0:32:30He got one of those letters with all the words cut out of newspapers.
0:32:30 > 0:32:34- He did!- Did he?- Yes. Are you joking? Sorry.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36There he is.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39SARA: I can't believe we're talking about the abduction of the penguin
0:32:39 > 0:32:42and no-one's questioned why a landlord's got a penguin.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Are you just allowed to have a penguin?
0:32:44 > 0:32:46I should have made that much clearer,
0:32:46 > 0:32:48- it's a fake penguin. - Oh, right!
0:32:48 > 0:32:51He wasn't working behind the bar.
0:32:53 > 0:32:54They look like waiters.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58Collecting glasses...
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Apart from drinkers in Matthews Pub,
0:33:00 > 0:33:02who else can't stop listening to Christmas carols?
0:33:02 > 0:33:07- People who work in shops.- True. - I feel really sorry for them.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Whenever you go in, it's just starting up again.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Spare a thought for the DJs as well.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16The only time on Radio 1 when you get to go, "It's quarter to 12.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18"Here's Shakin' Stevens."
0:33:18 > 0:33:22"That was Shakin' Stevens. Here's Nicki Minaj." The two you'd never...
0:33:22 > 0:33:25Who's Nicki Minaj?
0:33:25 > 0:33:27One third of Menage A Trois.
0:33:31 > 0:33:32Is that the leader of UKIP?
0:33:35 > 0:33:39The answer I was looking for is sufferers of Musical Ear Syndrome.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43For over a year, 84-year-old Cath Gamester, who we must all feel
0:33:43 > 0:33:46very sorry for, has been hearing the same five songs playing on a loop.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48Do you want to guess what some of the songs might have been.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51Hark The Herald Angels Sing. There are lots of carols.
0:33:53 > 0:33:54Little Donkey.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57# Little donkey, little donkey
0:33:57 > 0:34:00# On a dusty road... #
0:34:00 > 0:34:03Next year's number 1.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06- I can feel a Facebook page starting. - What's wrong with this year?
0:34:06 > 0:34:11Are you sure she's not... You know those cards that play a song when you
0:34:11 > 0:34:14open them, has she not got a couple of them in a cupboard somewhere?
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Someone's brought her a carpet that, when you walk on it,
0:34:17 > 0:34:19it plays Christmas carols.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22Christmas carol carpet. Very popular in Finland.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27You see how I lost interest before the end there?
0:34:27 > 0:34:30Why can dead people now hear music?
0:34:30 > 0:34:32They can't hear, of course, but why can they?
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Oh, it's the karaoke coffin.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38Yes, a Swedish man is selling coffins with built-in hi-fis.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42According to the Mail, this is called the CataCombo.
0:34:42 > 0:34:46It costs £18,500 and is aimed at music lovers who don't want
0:34:46 > 0:34:48to rest in peace.
0:34:48 > 0:34:52You'd be walking through the graveyard early one morning.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55That sounds like Bohemian Rhapsody.
0:34:55 > 0:34:59Customers can compile their own personal playlist before they die.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03They can order whatever food they'll want after they're dead,
0:35:03 > 0:35:06the trousers they'll be wearing.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09This guy's great. 18,000 quid for this.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19This isn't helping with moving on.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25We'll have that...bastard!
0:35:25 > 0:35:29- Going Underground.- I did It My Way.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33This is the news that a toy penguin has been
0:35:33 > 0:35:35kidnapped from a pub as part of a protest at a pub
0:35:35 > 0:35:38about their relentless playing of Christmas music.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41The green wicker penguin was stolen from outside the rural Gloucester
0:35:41 > 0:35:44pub - disappointing for locals as they have nothing left to worship.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49It's time for the Odd One Out round. One between you this week.
0:35:49 > 0:35:50Buzz in when you know the answer.
0:35:50 > 0:35:55The Sphinx, Lord Voldemort, my dog and Tycho Brahe.
0:35:55 > 0:35:56BUZZER
0:35:56 > 0:36:01It's got to be noses as in my dog has no nose. How does he smell?
0:36:01 > 0:36:04Well, it's mainly through the mouth, I suppose.
0:36:04 > 0:36:09- The Sphinx has no nose.- How did what's-his-chops lose his nose?
0:36:09 > 0:36:13- He lost it in a duel.- He had it cut off?- Voldemort never had a nose.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16He did have a nose at one point.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19- We're going to pick old metal nose at the bottom.- No, you're wrong.
0:36:19 > 0:36:26- Ian?- Let's go Sphinx. - It's Voldemort. Course it is.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28- I said Voldemort.- Did you? But you didn't give a reason.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32- Yes, I did.- You gave the wrong reason then. Give a better reason.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37I can see why Hermione lost interest.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39APPLAUSE
0:36:43 > 0:36:44That's unfair.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47He's the only one who has a nose.
0:36:47 > 0:36:48The others have all lost their noses.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51- There you go.- Yay! - Ian Hislop, everybody.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54They all have no nose apart from Voldemort whose nose is there
0:36:54 > 0:36:55but very flat.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58It can be a real problem for a dog not to have a nose as in the park,
0:36:58 > 0:37:02it's considered impolite to simply stare up another dog's backside.
0:37:03 > 0:37:04"Considered impolite."
0:37:06 > 0:37:08Who by? Oh, really! What's the matter with you?
0:37:10 > 0:37:12According to Wikipedia, Lord Voldemort is the main
0:37:12 > 0:37:14villain in the Harry Potter books.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Have they made them into books?
0:37:16 > 0:37:19What was the basic story, then?
0:37:19 > 0:37:20Uh...
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Does it all turn out all right in the end?
0:37:26 > 0:37:29- Yeah.- That's all I wanted to know.
0:37:29 > 0:37:30That's good enough for me.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32Time for the Missing Words round which this week
0:37:32 > 0:37:36features as its guest publication the Powerful Owl newsletter.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39Obviously they've got my association with owls.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42I once killed an owl with a shovel.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44No! Sorry, the Harry Potter thing.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47We'll start with...
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Mrs Obama.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02He's been forced top deny this.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Apparently, this spoof story appeared on a website which
0:38:04 > 0:38:07then spread around the world. According to the story,
0:38:07 > 0:38:09Tyson visited the same skilled reconstructive surgeon that
0:38:09 > 0:38:12Terry Williams used before he became Serena.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14GROANING
0:38:18 > 0:38:21Blues music badly played by middle class white people.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25Irish stereotypes.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37..are my only joys in life says the Pope.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48This is advice for owl spotters to deal with leeches.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54Nemo.
0:38:54 > 0:38:55Popularity in Hull.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Yes.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01It was owls. The easiest way to spot a powerful owl is to listen
0:39:01 > 0:39:04out for their distinctive call of whoo-hoo.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Although they only make this noise if they've had some good news.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15Gave me norovirus.
0:39:15 > 0:39:16It's "..went to work."
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- It's not a big story, is it? - Well, it's here.
0:39:19 > 0:39:23This is the news that more people are working on Christmas Day.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25I imagine the head of pixilation on Top Of The Pops 2 hasn't had
0:39:25 > 0:39:27a day off for a while.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Flat-faced pullet owl.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38This is a man who found £85 down the back of his sofa.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41I have to brace myself for an immense amount of hatred
0:39:41 > 0:39:43from the north of England.
0:39:45 > 0:39:46Don't do it then.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49I have to do it. It's on the autocue, you know what that means.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53There is estimated to be £1.61 down the back of the average sofa,
0:39:53 > 0:39:55if you live in Hull, what are you waiting for?
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Run into the front garden and check!
0:39:59 > 0:40:01APPLAUSE
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Bad wizard, bad.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10And so, the final scores are, Paul and Sara have 7,
0:40:10 > 0:40:12and Ian and Andy have 9.
0:40:18 > 0:40:22Just before we go there is time for the caption competition.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Police are looking for vandals with a bicycle pump.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30Eric Pickles, reincarnated.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35APPLAUSE
0:40:35 > 0:40:38On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
0:40:38 > 0:40:41and Andy Hamilton, Sarah Cox and Paul Merton.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43I leave you with news that in a candid moment Ed Miliband
0:40:43 > 0:40:46reveals how much he spent on his brother's Christmas present.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51A bit of a letdown for Boris Johnson after his secretary
0:40:51 > 0:40:53promises him a dirty weekend.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59And after a busy year,
0:40:59 > 0:41:02George Michael arrives at his sister's house for Christmas!
0:41:05 > 0:41:07Good night.
0:41:27 > 0:41:31Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:41 > 0:41:44Hello, everybody. I'm Harry Potter.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46- # I'm Harry Potter... # - You look like Trotsky.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49- What?- You look like Trotsky. - I don't look like Trotsky.
0:41:49 > 0:41:53- I look like you, mate. Harry Potter! I'm Harry Potter as an OAP. - Oi, you. Shut up!
0:41:58 > 0:41:59How am I going to tell the wife?!