0:00:02 > 0:00:05I went through years and years of being mistaken for Sue Barker, constantly.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09- So I just swear when anybody says, "Are you Sue Barker?" I go- BLEEP,- yes.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12They walk away going, "That Sue Barker, she's got a hell of a mouth on her."
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54I'm Clare Balding.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57In the news this week, at a call centre in Kilmarnock,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00a salesman finally connects with someone who actually does
0:01:00 > 0:01:02want to talk about their PPI insurance.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09And after more flooding hits Tewkesbury,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12one resident realises that he may have put the sandbags
0:01:12 > 0:01:13on the wrong side of the door.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21In an advanced training exercise at JFK Airport,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23one unfortunate customs officer is chosen
0:01:23 > 0:01:25to play the role of Julian Assange.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31On Paul's team tonight
0:01:31 > 0:01:35is a politician who lost the London Mayoral election in 2008,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37and lost again in 2012.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40In the racing world, once you stop winning
0:01:40 > 0:01:42you're retired and put out to stud.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Oh, sorry, you already have been!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ken Livingstone.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:53And with Ian tonight
0:01:53 > 0:01:56is a writer famous for penning Father Ted, of which he says,
0:01:56 > 0:02:00"Ted is so fondly remembered, I'll probably have it on my gravestone."
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Let's hope that gravestone never has to be crushed and used as landfill.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Please welcome Graham Linehan.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Ian and Graham, take a look at this.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Yes, they're standing up, but they're not for him.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23There's the star of the show.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25And there's someone who didn't turn up.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- And there's the Prime Minister going out to have a curry.- Yes.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32With just the two of them, and a photographer.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I think they nipped out the back, and went somewhere else.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37To a Garfunkel's.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39So this is the Tory conference,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41which was incredibly exciting,
0:02:41 > 0:02:45cos the leader of the Conservative Party, Boris Johnson...
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Well, if you're watching the repeat it is.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54There's a fantastic moment in Boris Johnson's speech,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56when the Prime Minister was sitting in the audience,
0:02:56 > 0:03:00fantastically patronising, he just said, "Is Dave here?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02"Dave you're here, yes."
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Who would have thought that the leader of the Conservative Party
0:03:06 > 0:03:09would be at the Conservative Party Conference?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13For a politician, his jokes are really top class.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- I mean, Cameron called him... - No offence, but generally...
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I don't know, I don't know that they are.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I mean, he's in this world at the moment
0:03:20 > 0:03:22where the people who like Boris -
0:03:22 > 0:03:24which there are many in the Conservative party -
0:03:24 > 0:03:25they see him come on, they're very excited,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28they're all waiting for the first joke,
0:03:28 > 0:03:32and Boris says, "David Cameron referred to me as a mop.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35"Well, I think he's a broom."
0:03:35 > 0:03:37And everybody roars with laughter. "I think he's a broom."
0:03:37 > 0:03:39He hasn't done the joke yet.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42He's just muttering away, and it's a great gift, I wish I had it.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Talking a load of old rubbish, and everyone thinks you're hilarious.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51His stock, obviously, was boosted by the success of the Olympics.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53This is what he said about it...
0:03:58 > 0:04:00You and me both, mate!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05It's an incredible set of speeches,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07because he made the Tory conference
0:04:07 > 0:04:10give Ken Livingstone a round of applause.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- He did. - I'll never recover from that!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15We can have a look at that moment.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18This is the right moment, I think, to say thank you
0:04:18 > 0:04:21to Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Tessa Jowell,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23and, yes, Ken Livingstone!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Thank you. Right.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30I really think, Ken, there is no coming back from that one.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33You've just got a clap from Tory Party Conference.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36If that hasn't finished you, nothing will!
0:04:38 > 0:04:39That's a joke!
0:04:39 > 0:04:40That's a proper joke.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43He had them clapping without telling them why they were clapping.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45So they were completely in thrall to him at the moment.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48And you've got to bear in mind,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50it was after listening to George Osborne -
0:04:50 > 0:04:52anything's going to be uplifting after that.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Osborne got through a whole speech without being booed.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56It's pretty good.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59There is very a simple way of finding out
0:04:59 > 0:05:00how popular a politician is,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02as we can see here from the Paralympics.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05The medals tonight will be presented by
0:05:05 > 0:05:08the Right Honourable George Osborne MP.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Chancellor of the Exchequer.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13CROWD BOOS
0:05:13 > 0:05:18I think it's worth the whole £9 billion of taxpayers' money.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22APPLAUSE
0:05:24 > 0:05:27What sort of advice have they got? You know that's going to happen.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Has anyone ever cheered any Chancellor of the Exchequer,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32for God's sake? They're all hated.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34What do you do if people are just booing you?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I mean, you can't go, "Ooh!" Like that.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39That would probably make it worse.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I think you should start lashing out at people.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Just why... There's nowhere else to go. Just slap someone.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49They hate you already, so you might as well get a punch at somebody who you've always wanted to punch.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51What, a gold medallist?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54You say it was worth nine billion, but you didn't bid nine billion,
0:05:54 > 0:05:55it was about two in your day.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- 4.2.- 4.2. It doubled, did it? - It doubled.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03You can't bring it in under budget, unless you double the budget.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06And Mitchell had to go home, didn't he?
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Mitchell wasn't allowed to go to a conference
0:06:10 > 0:06:12in the county for which he is an MP.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Yeah, but can you imagine the scene at the gate.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"I'm David Mitchell," you say to friendly policeman.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"I don't think you're getting in, sir."
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- Has he changed his name from Andrew Mitchell?- Oh, right, yeah!
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- He's a comedian.- How long has Private Eye been a paper of record?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32We'll have a look at how ITN covered Andrew Mitchell's rant.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35The Daily Telegraph has published what it claims is a transcript
0:06:35 > 0:06:37of the police log from last Wednesday.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39In it, the officer noted Mr Mitchell said...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41"Best you learn your swearword place...
0:06:41 > 0:06:44"you don't run this swearword government...
0:06:44 > 0:06:45"You're swearword plebs."
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I can't believe they're allowed to say "swearword."
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- What about swearword- BLEEP- wits?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57APPLAUSE
0:06:59 > 0:07:01And what you make of the Tory chairman, Grant Shapps,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04and his alter ego, Michael Green?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07He was telling people how to become successful, using an alter ego.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10And, I mean, he is quite successful.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I mean, he's now running the party.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Oh, right, so that's the success? That's the success?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18He got the job.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Well, isn't it, I mean,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22obviously this will be cut out if it's libellous...
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I wouldn't bet on it!
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Go for it, Graham.
0:07:27 > 0:07:33- What he's doing, isn't that being a conman?- No, no.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36He's just using another identity. It's like going online,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39and pretending you're a Belgian princess.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Hasn't everyone done that?
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Just me, then.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49No, I mean he's using a pseudonym.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51This is the new Tory chairman, Grant Shapps.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52He WAS at the conference,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55and the indefatigable Michael Crick
0:07:55 > 0:07:58spotted Shapps, and followed him,
0:07:58 > 0:08:00to try and ask him whether the testimonials on his website
0:08:00 > 0:08:02were from real people.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04This should be a new Olympic sport.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06'The Advertising Standards Authority, the ASA,
0:08:06 > 0:08:11'are now handling a complaint about HowToCorp's testimonials.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14'It's quite possible, of course, these people do exist,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17'since their tributes date from years ago,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21'but Mr Shapps didn't seem keen today to help find them.'
0:08:21 > 0:08:23What about Corinne Stockheath of Surrey?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Doesn't appear to be any Stockheath anywhere in the world.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Doesn't appear to be a Stockheath anywhere in the world.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Was she genuine?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Is Richard Warton of Tektriox, New York genuine?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Is JLM Richards of the Wallerson Trust?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Doesn't appear to be a Wallerson Trust
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Michael, everybody is genuine.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I'm answering the questions for the ASA,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47and I think that should do the trick.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49That's not a guilty man, is it?
0:08:49 > 0:08:53You don't dart about like that, if you've got something to hide.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Well, he used to be Minister for Housing,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58so I'm very worried about his sense of rooms.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02He can't seem to find a toilet.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Meanwhile, what did David Cameron do, recently,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07in an attempt to boost his own popularity?
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Cut his throat?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14We would have heard about that, wouldn't we?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16This must be Twitter.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Oh, yes, of course, he joined Twitter.- Tweet.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23According to the Mail, Cameron spent the weekend being...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26..and then he joined Twitter.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- You are on Twitter, aren't you, all the time?- Yes.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32So what did Cameron say on Twitter? What's he telling us?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Oh, I don't follow him.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37So, on the sort of substance of the conference,
0:09:37 > 0:09:41what were the big policy announcements this week?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44We're going back to being the Nasty Party.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Are you, Ken? That is news!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50We've had seven years of "hug a hoodie,"
0:09:50 > 0:09:53now they've dumped all that crap, it's back to "beat up the poor".
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- Beat up who?- The poor. - Beat up the poor?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58I missed that slogan.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02But you can beat up burglars now,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04as long as you're not grossly disproportionate.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07So you can kill them, but you can't poo on their head.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09And just to make sure
0:10:09 > 0:10:11that we were certain of what we could and couldn't do,
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Justice Secretary Chris Grayling told the Today programme...
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- Thanks, Chris.- Or drag him outside, and run over him with a car.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30But it's good to have boundaries, I think. Don't you?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Or put lipstick on him, and take photographs of him,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35and then post them on Facebook.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39We're going to have to rewrite Goldilocks, aren't we?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41In she comes, whack!
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Dead, three bears jump on her head.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45But, the point of the story was that the bears weren't there
0:10:45 > 0:10:47when she arrived.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49That's why she managed to get all the porridge.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53You really must do your research, Ian. It's a very well-known story.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- There have been many independent eyewitnesses over the years. - She was upstairs,
0:10:56 > 0:10:58cos she went to sleep at the end of the story.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02So she was there and the bears did go up, and they did confront her.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07- They returned to the empty house. - So, I did do the research. - That's not what you said.- No, no.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I didn't actually say when they actually attacked her.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13We are genuinely having a legal row about Goldilocks, aren't we? Yes.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15It's very important.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Very.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19What did George Osborne promise to clamp down on
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- at this year's conference? - Non-millionaires.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Anything that's still nice.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31"Workshy scroungers", was the phrase.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Ken, there's been a row recently
0:11:33 > 0:11:37about the BBC paying people as companies, rather than individuals.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39And I've always thought of you as a person,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and a very individual person,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44but now I find out you're a company. And, respect. Well done.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Congratulations.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Well, if you want advice about how to run your city,
0:11:48 > 0:11:49that's what we provide.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54- I'm not a city, I'm just a person. - So, you wouldn't come to me, would you? GRAHAM: I'm a farm.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I'm a field.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I'd like to be an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03But I'm not. I'm not.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06So, you're a company, are you, Ken,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08that offer advice on running a city?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- Yeah.- With a straight face.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Yes.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15So, you didn't set up the company in order to lower your tax rate?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17The only way you lower your tax rate,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19is you have some offshore holding and you funnel it all through that.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22You see, Private Eye's got a column on that every week.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Yeah, I know how it works. I'm interested in yours.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I employed an economist, I employed a press officer,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I employed my wife as my secretary.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- Well, that's obviously straight. - That is.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39I mean, do you want to spend all your time handling all my e-mails
0:12:39 > 0:12:41and letters...
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- No, but you could.- No, I couldn't.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46I'm flying around the world advising people how to screw up their city.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52This week, Boris had to declare the gifts that he's received
0:12:52 > 0:12:53since becoming mayor.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Did you do any good for freebies, Ken?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57The Mayor of New York,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00they have these Tiffany glass apples,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02which were worth a bob or two.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04But mostly it's complete junk.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- So, you kept that one, did you? - I kept that one.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09What was really funny, though, in the handover,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12about a week after I'd lost, and Boris took over...
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Don't go there if it's too painful, Ken.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Bloomberg flew in, and he was coming to say, "Congratulations"
0:13:19 > 0:13:21and, "Anything I can do to help?"
0:13:21 > 0:13:23And he gave him this Tiffany crystal apple,
0:13:23 > 0:13:27and no-one had told Boris that this was going to happen.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30So he rummages around, and I'd left an old T-shirt,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33with something like a tube map on the front, in the desk.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35And he gave him that.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I went to London and all I got was this T-shirt.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42In the interest of balance,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I do have to mention the Lib Dem conference.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Done that now.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50APPLAUSE
0:13:52 > 0:13:54And finally, who would like to see Eddie Mair's giant arm
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- on Newsnight, the other night? - Yes, please!- Yes.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Both the Miliband and the Cameron speeches
0:13:58 > 0:14:00were really good performances, in their own way.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04The Miliband one is a sterling victory for him.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08APPLAUSE
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Could he qualify for the Paralympics, there?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14He would be good swimming, wouldn't he?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- Javelin.- Basketball.- Wanking.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Not every discipline is an Olympic sport.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27This is the party conference season, which marks the start of autumn,
0:14:27 > 0:14:31and the brutal snuffing out of the Olympic feel-good factor.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Boris Johnson was the star of the conference season.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Yes, one minute you're a blond mop-top, hosting a TV news quiz,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40the next you're a Prime Minister in waiting.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42My campaign starts here.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46And remember, a Balding Britain is a better Britain!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49APPLAUSE
0:14:51 > 0:14:53That's a slogan I like.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Paul and Ken, take a look at this.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Yes. Well, I had a look at somebody's internet machine today
0:15:05 > 0:15:08because I understand there was a hoax thing put on there
0:15:08 > 0:15:10about 12 years ago now.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12But because these things exist forever
0:15:12 > 0:15:15people have grown up and forgotten that they knew it was a hoax.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- And he WAS on the show. - And he WAS on the show, yes.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20There was this transcript where apparently I tore into him.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22None of that happened on the night.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25But there are now people on the internet who claim to have seen it.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Somebody said, "I definitely saw that!"
0:15:27 > 0:15:31"Why has Paul Merton denied it on Radio 2?"
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I've been brainwashed. If I have, then how do I know?
0:15:34 > 0:15:39But no, it didn't happen. It was a hoax. But...
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Have we got any footage of that?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43We have some footage of Jimmy Savile.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Didn't you live in a caravan for many, many years?
0:15:46 > 0:15:4812 years I lived in a motor caravan, yes.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- What did you do in the caravan? - Anybody I could lay me hands on.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53AUDIENCE GROANS
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Unbelievable!
0:15:56 > 0:16:01He was good at hiding in plain sight with that kind of comment, wasn't he?
0:16:01 > 0:16:06Apparently his biography is full of basically him admitting all of this,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09and so he created a smokescreen comprised of the truth.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Yes!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15It's a brilliant disguise - you dress up as a paedophile.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I'm glad the BBC has asked this question.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Presumably this'll be cut and shown on ITV in three weeks' time.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:26But the thing that I find annoying
0:16:26 > 0:16:30is the press', "Oh what a shock!"
0:16:30 > 0:16:31This revelation.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34There is a hysterical, "Why didn't the BBC reveal it?"
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Well, the press didn't reveal it either.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39It's what is the word "know" means.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42If you say "I knew about it", you mean you'd heard the rumours.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Everyone had heard the rumours.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45If you actually knew about it,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47you should've done something about it.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50The only people who know about it are people to whom it's happened,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53and they tend to be disadvantaged, 12,
0:16:53 > 0:16:57and not in the mood to go through a court trial.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59That is why nothing came out.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01It's disgusting the way the press are using it
0:17:01 > 0:17:05not just as a stick to beat the BBC with, but any state institution.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10I saw an editorial the other day that blamed the NHS
0:17:10 > 0:17:15for him wandering around hospitals and state schools.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17It's just... It's so weird.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20It's incredible the way they'll take a subject as serious as this
0:17:20 > 0:17:23and try and twist it into a political attack.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I never got it. People were saying, he died and there were programmes
0:17:26 > 0:17:29saying he was a much-loved national treasure. Was he?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32"Everyone loved Jimmy Savile." Did they?!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I remember when he came on I'm thinking, "Urgh!"
0:17:35 > 0:17:41I didn't shout "You're a paedo", because I didn't know.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42You do need evidence.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46When that fake transcript came up, the only reason I knew about it
0:17:46 > 0:17:49was because I was outside a cinema in Maidstone
0:17:49 > 0:17:51and a group of skinheads came up to me and said,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53"Well done getting the paedo."
0:17:53 > 0:17:57And I hadn't. I had no idea what they were talking about.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00The truth is, no-one actually knew,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03and if they did, they should be prosecuted.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Anyway, that's comic gold!
0:18:06 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:11The resources a paper like the Sun or The Mirror
0:18:11 > 0:18:15will put on to digging out something about someone who's famous -
0:18:15 > 0:18:18how could he just get away with this for 40 years?
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Didn't he always spend a day at Checkers at Christmas time with Margaret Thatcher?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25That may be the answer to your question.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29I'm sure the idea that you know people right at the top.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32It's the equivalent of Cameron knowing Murdoch -
0:18:32 > 0:18:34they're not equivalent, obviously.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:38In the Daily Mail today they tried to turn it into
0:18:38 > 0:18:40an argument about the Leveson Inquiry
0:18:40 > 0:18:45and there was an editorial that ended by saying yes, phone-hacking was bad,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48but it was used mainly for celebrity tittle-tattle.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Why wasn't it used for this?!
0:18:50 > 0:18:52The thing I think is a bit sad,
0:18:52 > 0:18:56is all these people at home who have Jim'll Fix It badges
0:18:56 > 0:18:59and they've that little memory of their childhood
0:18:59 > 0:19:01just completely wiped.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05I think we should get all those badges - we can organise this,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07this is something Twitter would be good for.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Get them and melt them down and turn into them into a giant stake
0:19:11 > 0:19:12and drive it through his grave!
0:19:12 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:17 > 0:19:18The classicals are horrified.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22They've seized on the opportunity to stick the boot into the BBC
0:19:22 > 0:19:25although being journalists, they would never have been interested
0:19:25 > 0:19:28in rumours about major celebrities or indeed young girls in bikinis.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32The Daily Mail Online, the world's most popular newspaper website,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34recently published this picture...
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Is that a paparazzi snap? Do you think that's done with consent?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41It look like it was taken on an iPhone.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43It explains, she's 14...
0:19:50 > 0:19:51She's 14!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53That's awful.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- They do it all the time, Mail Online.- The sidebar of shame.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59There isn't a single story there on the right-hand side
0:19:59 > 0:20:02that isn't about a woman, that isn't commenting on what she looks like.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03You're either too fat, too thin,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06too many children, not enough children.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Then they say, "Oh, the women can't have it all."
0:20:08 > 0:20:11No, because you constantly bloody tell us we can't have it all!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Some of us are perfectly happy and having a wonderful life, thanks!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16APPLAUSE
0:20:16 > 0:20:18The other thing... Someone pointed out to me an experiment
0:20:18 > 0:20:21you can do with Mail Online, which is,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24if you put in quotes the phrase "all grown up"...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27If you put that in quote in the search bar,
0:20:27 > 0:20:28then all you'll get is stories
0:20:28 > 0:20:31about young girls hitting their 16th birthday.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Accompanied usually by a photograph.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36It's like a dog whistle for,
0:20:36 > 0:20:40"You are now allowed to lech over this girl."
0:20:40 > 0:20:42The one ray of sunshine in this entire story
0:20:42 > 0:20:46is that no-one will ever need or want to do Jimmy Savile impressions again.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48LAUGHTER
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- Which is a relief.- There's still a costume you can get online.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Really? Well, Halloween's coming up!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57LAUGHTER
0:20:58 > 0:21:01This is the much-loved saintly philanthropist
0:21:01 > 0:21:03and tireless charity fundraiser...
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I'm so sorry, that is last year's script.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08This is the reviled paedophile
0:21:08 > 0:21:12and serial sex offender Sir Jimmy Savile, OBE.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15According to the Sun, when Savile visited Broadmoor hospital...
0:21:18 > 0:21:24Although Sutcliffe is now desperately trying now to distance himself from those stories.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26And so to round two, the Picture-Spin Quiz.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34BUZZER
0:21:34 > 0:21:37That could keep spinning for ever and I would never know what it's about.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Is it an early, erm...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:47I was thinking an early descendant of Homo No-Legs.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50It makes it difficult to walk, presumably.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Especially if your genitals have been replaced by a torch!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55LAUGHTER
0:21:55 > 0:21:56- What is that?- It's not the past.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00It's what we'll be in the future.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02We will wear our stomachs on the outside?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Because we'll be sitting at computers
0:22:04 > 0:22:07and the computers will be very far, for some reason?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09In 1,000 years' time, anatomical experts have predicted
0:22:09 > 0:22:11that everyone will look like this.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15How drunk were they when the predicted this?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Apparently we will all be...
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Making us all Homo Eric Pickleus!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Why have we got torches as genitals?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34So we can piss in the dark?
0:22:34 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- That's what evolution's about. - Every man's dream.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44- We do anyway, don't we? - In other science news,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47who has been spotted on the side of the Austrian Alps?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Did it look like a famous person or something?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Ah.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Oh, that's great.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Just remind us which one's the mountain and which one's Einstein.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Minutes after this photo was taken though,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03a sudden avalanche turned him into the spit of Bobby Charlton.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Speaking of Nobel Prize Winners, who has joined the ranks this week?
0:23:08 > 0:23:12- The British scientist. - Sir John Gurdon.- He was at Eton.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14The scientific community describe him as being
0:23:14 > 0:23:16the godfather of cloning and stem-cell therapy,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19after he performed an experiment resulting in the cloning of a frog
0:23:19 > 0:23:20- whilst at Oxford in the 1960s.- Wow!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22But that was a particular surprise
0:23:22 > 0:23:25to his old science teacher, Mr Gaddon. He came...
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Why were they studying bottoms?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34It was Eton!
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Cheap!
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Again, we bow to your superior knowledge.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Speaking of terrible science, did you see this on Newsnight?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46An experiment that was conducted on Newsnight
0:23:46 > 0:23:50to discover which freezes quicker, warm liquid or a cold liquid.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57We've got a big problem with this experiment.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02- We have!- Neither has frozen! Did you put them in that freezer?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05This is rubbish, isn't it? Look - they're both completely liquid.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07But I'm sure the red one's colder.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10You stick your finger in, they're both the same.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13They are.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16This is a completely rubbish experiment.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18That's an interesting new direction for Newsnight!
0:24:18 > 0:24:22What are they going to do next week, boil an egg or something?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26This is the news that, in 1,000 years, we 'll all look like
0:24:26 > 0:24:30a Wayne Rooney action figure that's been left too close to the radiator.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Scientists predict that in the future
0:24:31 > 0:24:34our brains will gradually reduce in size.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37So if, over the next 1,000 years, our brains ARE getting smaller,
0:24:37 > 0:24:41that means that, in evolutionary terms, Jedward are ahead of us.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48BELL RINGS
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Abu Hamza has finally been airlifted to America,
0:24:51 > 0:24:56where he can, I don't know, not face trial there?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59No, he's on trial. They put him straight in a court.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Oh, really?- It took 14 years here.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- It took one morning in America. - LAUGHTER
0:25:05 > 0:25:07But they've taken away his hook.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- Yes.- So he appeared without his hook.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13They've given him one of those plungers the Daleks have.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16They have actually given him a pair of rubber hands.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20- Oh, really? That's nice. - Do you know anything about the hands he has been promised?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Have they got a mind of their own?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Are they the hands of a concert pianist?
0:25:24 > 0:25:29All of a sudden he'll start playing Rachmaninov's Third and doesn't know why.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30LAUGHTER
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Or a strangler.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37He's going to receive custom-made cable-operated hands in the coming weeks.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Like a puppet.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I'm sorry, I don't really like making jokes about it, either.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I don't think he's a fount of comedy.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47- HE LAUGHS - Given the last round, he's gold!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49LAUGHTER
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- Do you actually know what he's been charged with?- No, I don't, no.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- Um...- A series of terrorist offences.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Setting up a terrorist training camp in Oregon.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- In Oregon?- Mmm. And aiding in the abduction of 16 hostages.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- And dressing like a pirate as well. - LAUGHTER
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- Which unlikely person...- Going to be one hell of a Halloween, isn't it?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Can't choose my costume now.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Which unlikely person found themselves embroiled
0:26:14 > 0:26:16in the Abu Hamza extradition row over the summer?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17The Queen.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Correct.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22The Queen said to the BBC's Frank Gardner,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26"I don't see why we can't get rid of him, it's rather annoying."
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Not get rid of him in a "kill him",
0:26:28 > 0:26:32James Bondy sense. She knew it was a joke, the Olympic thing.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34LAUGHTER
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Very good, wasn't she?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37"Good evening, Mr Bond."
0:26:37 > 0:26:39And that corgi was so good...
0:26:39 > 0:26:41he died.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- Monty the corgi, who starred in it...- No!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47He thought, "It's never going to get any better."
0:26:47 > 0:26:49LAUGHTER
0:26:49 > 0:26:50He didn't, Ian!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53He did! No old person's retirement acting home for him.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- No, he just keeled over.- No, no, no.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58You can make jokes about Jimmy Savile and Abu Hamza,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00but not a corgi dying. That's not...
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- LAUGHTER - There's a hoax on the internet
0:27:03 > 0:27:05when he appeared on this programme, apparently.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Speaking of ideological lunatics, Ken...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:15- APPLAUSE - No, no, no, I haven't finished.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Why has it been a better week for your mate Hugo Chavez?
0:27:18 > 0:27:22He got elected with a 10% lead.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25When he turned up at the polling station to cast his own vote,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27he was greeted by a surprising fan.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31It was Danny Glover, the star of Lethal Weapon, was there.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Look.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34But you're still his BFF, Ken, don't worry.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35LAUGHTER
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I tell you, he didn't start out as a leftist.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42When he first got elected in '98, he flew to London
0:27:42 > 0:27:45to get advice from Tony Blair about how to run his country.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48And then went back and changed his mind.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53This is the extradition of Abu Hamza to the United States.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Abu Hamza was finally extradited and flown into New York,
0:27:56 > 0:27:58though disappointingly for him,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01into an airport rather than a tall building.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04THEY LAUGH
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Yeah.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07After his plane landed in New York,
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Abu Hamza's hook was confiscated by security,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13an embarrassing miss by British airport security,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16though to be fair, they did confiscate his bottle of sun cream.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19LAUGHTER
0:28:19 > 0:28:20So now for a bonus round.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24LAUGHTER
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Ah!
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Come here, you little sod!
0:28:29 > 0:28:31LAUGHTER
0:28:35 > 0:28:38It's been a big week for people doing ridiculously idiotic stunts.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Let's play the Wheel Of Idiots.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43DRUM ROLL
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Ah, that's Lance Armstrong, who's a cheat.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49- LAUGHTER - So...
0:28:52 > 0:28:53APPLAUSE
0:28:53 > 0:28:57This is the guy who went up about three miles and then jumped out and came down again.
0:28:57 > 0:28:58His balloon was twisted.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00He's going to do it again. 22 miles up, isn't he?
0:29:00 > 0:29:05It's an extraordinary thing. It's higher than any other human being has ever leapt.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08He's going to break the sound barrier entirely on his own.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10And he's going to do a forward roll just as he lands.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Cos the landing's the quite tricky bit.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Felix Baumgartner is his name.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18He was hoping to be the first free-falling human
0:29:18 > 0:29:19to break the sound barrier.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22- Yeah.- Would you like to see a picture of his balloon?- Yes, please!
0:29:22 > 0:29:23There it is.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Stretched out like a rugby league player's testicle.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Which is a very topical comment,
0:29:28 > 0:29:29because, Ian, I'm sure you know this,
0:29:29 > 0:29:32cos I'm sure you watch the Super League grand final.
0:29:32 > 0:29:33Certainly do. Did.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37- But there's a player called Paul Wood, who's a Warrington Wolves prop.- Mmm.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40And he ruptured his testicle in the first minute of the second half.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43- He played on...- Oh, my God! - ..to full time,
0:29:43 > 0:29:45then he went to hospital and had the testicle removed,
0:29:45 > 0:29:47and then the next day he tweeted,
0:29:47 > 0:29:49"Our coach told us to put our balls on the line,
0:29:49 > 0:29:51"I didn't think he meant it so literally!"
0:29:51 > 0:29:53LAUGHTER
0:29:53 > 0:29:57What was special about the skydiver's spacesuit?
0:29:57 > 0:29:59It's pretty airtight, I assume.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02GRAHAM: I don't think that's special for a spacesuit.
0:30:02 > 0:30:03LAUGHTER
0:30:03 > 0:30:06It had some sort of... I guess the same thing on it
0:30:06 > 0:30:08that they put on spaceships for re-entering the atmosphere.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11- That's right.- I don't know what that's called. Shields.- Yeah.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Or is that Star Trek?
0:30:13 > 0:30:14LAUGHTER
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Shields are down, my balls are frying up.
0:30:16 > 0:30:17LAUGHTER
0:30:17 > 0:30:21The suit has a mirror to detect parachute deployment.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25There's a comfort liner, in other words a nappy,
0:30:25 > 0:30:28which is also handy if you can't detect parachute deployment.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30LAUGHTER
0:30:30 > 0:30:31What are the major risks?
0:30:31 > 0:30:33GRAHAM LAUGHS
0:30:34 > 0:30:35How long have you got?
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Let's have a look at how it's going to unfold for our friend.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41GRAHAM: Oh, my God!
0:30:41 > 0:30:44- Ooh...- That's the moment I would be thinking,
0:30:44 > 0:30:46"This was a mistake."
0:30:46 > 0:30:48LAUGHTER
0:30:48 > 0:30:50And that's the sound barrier.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52It's not a bungee jump, is it?
0:30:52 > 0:30:56He gets within three feet of the Earth and then back up again.
0:30:56 > 0:30:57This is the 23-mile freefall
0:30:57 > 0:31:01planned by Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03If you're watching the repeat on Dave,
0:31:03 > 0:31:04that's the late Felix Baumgartner.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07- LAUGHTER - Now the next spin.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09DRUM ROLL
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Oh, yes, this is David Blaine, isn't it?
0:31:15 > 0:31:16BUZZER
0:31:16 > 0:31:21He's going to lock himself into an electric suit, there's going to be thousands of millions of volts
0:31:21 > 0:31:25- poured into him, and he's going to fry an egg on his forehead while it happens.- That's just about right.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28To follow up the one when he came to London and lay in a glass box.
0:31:28 > 0:31:29Mmm.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32- Yes.- And he'd done it in New York and everyone went, "Fantastic, David,"
0:31:32 > 0:31:34and he came to London and everyone threw eggs at him.
0:31:34 > 0:31:35LAUGHTER
0:31:35 > 0:31:39And said, "You're pathetic." Which I found incredibly cheering.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43Does this need Paxman to come and just say, "This is rubbish"?
0:31:43 > 0:31:45LAUGHTER
0:31:45 > 0:31:48"We're firing electricity at you and you're not even dead!"
0:31:48 > 0:31:50Blaine sold the feat as an...
0:31:54 > 0:31:56By way of contrast, the physicist John Belcher said...
0:32:06 > 0:32:07LAUGHTER
0:32:07 > 0:32:11- Interestingly, though, his tricks do inspire some people.- Mmm.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13You know, he spent seven days in a water tank,
0:32:13 > 0:32:16he was frozen on a giant block of ice for almost 64 hours,
0:32:16 > 0:32:20he was suspended 30 feet above London for 44 days.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22And despite warnings not to copy his efforts, you know,
0:32:22 > 0:32:24there are always idiots who will give it a go.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26LAUGHTER
0:32:27 > 0:32:29APPLAUSE
0:32:31 > 0:32:35Now, if we could just run the electric current along that wire...
0:32:35 > 0:32:37LAUGHTER
0:32:37 > 0:32:40This is another of what David Blaine calls daredevil stunts,
0:32:40 > 0:32:41and what everyone else calls
0:32:41 > 0:32:43pathetic attempts to attract attention.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45The stunt requires David Blaine
0:32:45 > 0:32:49to be bombarded by a million volts of electricity for 72 hours.
0:32:49 > 0:32:50According to the Mail...
0:32:52 > 0:32:57After switching his electricity supplier to one with a cheaper tariff.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59So here we go, with the next spin.
0:32:59 > 0:33:00DRUM ROLL
0:33:03 > 0:33:04David Blaine!
0:33:04 > 0:33:08Is it somebody trying to cross the Atlantic or a large body of water
0:33:08 > 0:33:11by walking inside this huge wheel?
0:33:11 > 0:33:12The first human hamster.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16What's going on with this week? Why is all this stuff happening?
0:33:16 > 0:33:19Cos the Olympics are over and the Paralympics are over,
0:33:19 > 0:33:20and everybody's just trying to
0:33:20 > 0:33:23do something they think is entertaining and sporting together,
0:33:23 > 0:33:24and they're failing.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27- Don't describe yourself! - LAUGHTER
0:33:28 > 0:33:30I'm just going to take up archery.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34This is Chris Todd, who has made himself this hamster wheel,
0:33:34 > 0:33:37and tried to cross the Irish Sea.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Nine hours into his journey, the wheel sank.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43Or as the lifeguard put it...
0:33:45 > 0:33:49Who did the charity blame for the fundraising failure?
0:33:49 > 0:33:50Well, it had a lifeboat sticker on it.
0:33:50 > 0:33:51Was he raising money for them?
0:33:51 > 0:33:54He was raising money for the lifeboats.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Well, that's good, cos he proved that you need them
0:33:56 > 0:33:58to come out and rescue you.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01- This is true. - It's clear it was all deliberate.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04But according to the charity spokesperson...
0:34:06 > 0:34:09A technical fault with the wheel that Chris built.
0:34:11 > 0:34:12I blame Chris.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14LAUGHTER
0:34:14 > 0:34:18Speaking of things at the bottom of the sea off the Irish coast,
0:34:18 > 0:34:20they think they've found oil.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22- Oil?!- Yeah. Off the coast of Cork.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25Oh, shit, that means the Americans and the British
0:34:25 > 0:34:26are going to liberate us.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28LAUGHTER
0:34:28 > 0:34:30APPLAUSE
0:34:34 > 0:34:36This is Chris Todd, who this week admitted defeat
0:34:36 > 0:34:39in his attempt to cross the Irish Sea in a giant hamster wheel.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42According to the Mail...
0:34:44 > 0:34:47Provided he could reach up to the little metal drinking tube.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49LAUGHTER
0:34:49 > 0:34:52And the last spin of this magnificent wheel.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54DRUM ROLL
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Brilliant!
0:34:58 > 0:35:02- Oh, this is the guy... He's had a cockroach-eating competition.- Yeah.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05And he won and then collapsed in agony.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08GRAHAM: Who'd have thought that would be bad for you?
0:35:08 > 0:35:09LAUGHTER
0:35:09 > 0:35:12You're absolutely right, Edward Archbold is his name,
0:35:12 > 0:35:16and he did take part in this cockroach-eating competition in South Florida,
0:35:16 > 0:35:18and he did win the competition, but yes, he died.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21Oh, well, that's hysterical(!)
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Obviously.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Any guesses as to what the prize was?
0:35:26 > 0:35:27A giant bust of Lyndon Johnson.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31According to the Telegraph, the prize was a python.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33LAUGHTER
0:35:36 > 0:35:37What, for dessert?
0:35:37 > 0:35:39I'm not sure,
0:35:39 > 0:35:42why would you try and win a cockroach-eating competition
0:35:42 > 0:35:43when the prize was a python?
0:35:43 > 0:35:46I mean, both these things are just... Why?
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Yes, there doesn't seem to be an upside to any of this.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51It's marginally better
0:35:51 > 0:35:54than a python-eating contest where the prize was a cockroach.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56LAUGHTER
0:35:56 > 0:35:59- I had a pet python when I was a kid. - Course you did!
0:35:59 > 0:36:02- I turned out all right.- Who didn't?
0:36:02 > 0:36:05I had an alligator as well. I was really weird, I'm afraid.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09- Where?- How big was the alligator? - In my bedroom. I mean...
0:36:09 > 0:36:11LAUGHTER
0:36:11 > 0:36:15There was the bed in the middle and then three rows of tanks all the way round,
0:36:15 > 0:36:19filled with tropical frogs, snakes, alligator...
0:36:19 > 0:36:20Oh, God, I also had a pet ostrich.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23- LAUGHTER - You've only just remembered?
0:36:23 > 0:36:27I must have had hundreds of different animals.
0:36:27 > 0:36:31- But you couldn't keep the ostrich in your bedroom?- No, it was when I was trekking across the Sahara Desert.
0:36:31 > 0:36:32That's not a pet, Ken.
0:36:32 > 0:36:36I used to carry it... It was only a baby, I used to carry it under my arm.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39- Its little head would be up like that. - Did you think you were Rod Hull?
0:36:39 > 0:36:41APPLAUSE
0:36:43 > 0:36:45Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:36:45 > 0:36:48which this week features as its guest publication,
0:36:48 > 0:36:52Horse Brass, the journal of the National Horse Brass Society.
0:36:52 > 0:36:53And we start with...
0:36:57 > 0:36:58Is it a misprint, should it be bra?
0:36:58 > 0:37:00"My first horse bra is a constant reminder
0:37:00 > 0:37:03"of how much I enjoy dressing horses in lingerie"?
0:37:03 > 0:37:04LAUGHTER
0:37:04 > 0:37:07The answer is, "My first horse brass is a constant reminder
0:37:07 > 0:37:10"of why I like collecting horse brasses."
0:37:10 > 0:37:11LAUGHTER
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Next...
0:37:18 > 0:37:20As free gift.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22LAUGHTER
0:37:25 > 0:37:26Condoms?
0:37:26 > 0:37:30We're seeing into Ken's brain a little too much now, I think.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32His next election campaign has been written.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34- The answer...- Heroin?
0:37:34 > 0:37:37- Very close.- Cocaine! - Cocaine is the answer.- Whoa.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41"Council candidate handed out cocaine with election leaflets."
0:37:41 > 0:37:45- According to...- In certain London boroughs, I'm sure that would go down awfully well.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49- According to locals in Itacoatiara, Brazil...- Aah.
0:37:49 > 0:37:54..council candidate, Carme Cristina Lima, was giving people cocaine on condition that they voted for her.
0:37:54 > 0:37:55Police got suspicious
0:37:55 > 0:37:59when one of her speeches got a 20-hour standing ovation.
0:37:59 > 0:38:00LAUGHTER
0:38:00 > 0:38:02Next...
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Um...border.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10- LAUGHTER - Very good.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12In rush for, um... cosmetic surgery.
0:38:12 > 0:38:13Close.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15Big noses.
0:38:15 > 0:38:16- Really?- Yeah.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Afghan women are having surgery to enlarge their noses
0:38:19 > 0:38:20to help them find a husband.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23Nasal enhancement is a common form of plastic surgery in Afghanistan.
0:38:23 > 0:38:24Of course, over here,
0:38:24 > 0:38:27the quickest way for a woman to get an enlarged nose
0:38:27 > 0:38:29is to go out with Justin Lee Collins.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32AUDIENCE HISSES
0:38:32 > 0:38:33You can't hiss that!
0:38:33 > 0:38:34LAUGHTER
0:38:34 > 0:38:37Yes, you have to be careful about the things you're hissing.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39- LAUGHTER - Next...
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Brass horses.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49LAUGHTER
0:38:49 > 0:38:51- Is it toilet seats? - Oh, don't be ridiculous.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55That's your answer to every question on this show for the last 22 years, "Is it toilet seats?"
0:38:55 > 0:39:00- I thought it might look like a horse brass.- What's a smaller version of a toilet seat?
0:39:00 > 0:39:01- A urinal.- A horseshoe.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03A horseshoe's a smaller version of a toilet seat?
0:39:03 > 0:39:05LAUGHTER
0:39:05 > 0:39:07The answer is bottle openers.
0:39:07 > 0:39:08Oh, yes, of course.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10This is from Horse Brass magazine.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13In July's edition, editor, Dick Bradshaw, writes...
0:39:21 > 0:39:22And finally...
0:39:25 > 0:39:26Says, "Piss off, Jesus."
0:39:26 > 0:39:28LAUGHTER
0:39:28 > 0:39:32Blasphemous pineapple says, "Bollocks to the Pope," I mean, I don't know.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34Blasphemous pineapple converts to Methodism.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38- Quite close.- Quite close?!
0:39:38 > 0:39:39LAUGHTER
0:39:39 > 0:39:43The answer is, "Blasphemous pineapple causes atheist row."
0:39:43 > 0:39:46Members of Reading University's Atheist Society
0:39:46 > 0:39:47were thrown out of a freshers' fair
0:39:47 > 0:39:51because they displayed a pineapple called Mohammed on their stall.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54The incident provoked strong debate on both sides.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56"It's a basic issue of free speech.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59"There's nothing wrong with calling a pineapple Mohammed."
0:39:59 > 0:40:02Said a banana called Malcolm.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04LAUGHTER
0:40:04 > 0:40:05So the final scores are,
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Ian and Graham have six points,
0:40:07 > 0:40:09Paul and Ken have 10.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11APPLAUSE
0:40:15 > 0:40:19But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21- LAUGHTER - Horse invents Pot Noodle phone
0:40:21 > 0:40:23that allows him to speak directly to brick wall.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25LAUGHTER
0:40:25 > 0:40:27APPLAUSE
0:40:28 > 0:40:29And finally...
0:40:29 > 0:40:31Fenton...Fenton!
0:40:31 > 0:40:33LAUGHTER
0:40:33 > 0:40:34APPLAUSE
0:40:34 > 0:40:37Ken! Ken, you lost the election!
0:40:37 > 0:40:38Where are you?
0:40:38 > 0:40:40LAUGHTER
0:40:40 > 0:40:41Ken!
0:40:41 > 0:40:44On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:44 > 0:40:47Ian Hislop and Graham Linehan, Paul Merton and Ken Livingstone.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50And I leave you with news that after another ship is hijacked
0:40:50 > 0:40:52off the North African coast,
0:40:52 > 0:40:55the Somalian ambassador is summoned to the White House.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57LAUGHTER
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Members of China's Olympic team who only won bronze
0:41:03 > 0:41:04are welcomed back home.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07LAUGHTER
0:41:08 > 0:41:11And following Ed Balls' new image change,
0:41:11 > 0:41:14there are fears Labour is lurching to the Far Right.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17LAUGHTER
0:41:17 > 0:41:19APPLAUSE
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Good night.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24APPLAUSE
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd