0:00:25 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40- Good evening.- And...- Welcome... - To...
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- Have I...- Got News...- For You. - I'm Kathy Burke.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43I'm Alastair Campbell.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44I'm William Shatner.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45I'm Roger Moore.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46I'm Clare Balding.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I'm Jeremy Clarkson.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52In the news this week, Southeastern Trains stage a publicity exercise
0:00:52 > 0:00:55to prove their new trains are idiot-proof.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:02APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06At River Cottage, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is spotted
0:01:06 > 0:01:09coming home from John Lewis with a brand new meat cleaver.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13SCREAMS
0:01:15 > 0:01:19The scandal over how little Starbucks has paid the Inland Revenue
0:01:19 > 0:01:23takes a new twist as the company reveals its current tax adviser.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:33At a restaurant in Berkshire, Kate Middleton really goes for it
0:01:33 > 0:01:34at the all you can eat buffet.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38LAUGHTER
0:01:40 > 0:01:43And at the G8 banquet for world leaders,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Nick Clegg is given a vital role.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:56All right, this is the Olympic flame
0:01:56 > 0:01:58the beginning of the Olympic Games.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02So the Olympics are coming to London, they've kept it secret, but now we can actually tell people.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06That's a very festive attack by Al-Qaeda, look.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10How did the Olympic flame arrive?
0:02:10 > 0:02:15- It was flown.- In that plane, which Boris described as a "custard-coloured comet."
0:02:15 > 0:02:17It arrived in the golden plane, as you said,
0:02:17 > 0:02:22- then on to Cornwall in a Sea King search and rescue helicopter. - Mm-hmm.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27Let's see how the waiting crowd enjoyed the historic moment
0:02:27 > 0:02:28when that helicopter arrived.
0:02:28 > 0:02:33REPORTER: Its arrival was perfectly choreographed, and hard to miss.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:42What were the organisers of a roadside hog roast
0:02:42 > 0:02:45advised not to do?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Don't roast a hog.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- By the side of the road.- Well... partially.- Don't light the fire. Cos it's against health and safety?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53You're on the right track.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Don't use the torch to roast the hog.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Organisers...
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Ah yes, because then if you use the torch to roast the hog,
0:03:00 > 0:03:02then the hog becomes the keeper of the eternal flame.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Then you have to march through the streets with the hog.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- The sacred hog. - The sacred hog that's alight.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08- Yeah.- It just looks stupid.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Yeah, it would look silly.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Organisers of the giant hog roast told The Independent:
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Also, isn't there something about local businesses,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26like the Olympic Kebab Grill or something,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29that's been forced to change its name in case people think,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32"Oh, I wonder if that's the official kebab shop of the Olympic Games?"
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Absolutely. The Olympic Cafe in Stratford was told
0:03:37 > 0:03:40he couldn't call his restaurant Cafe Olympic,
0:03:40 > 0:03:41and he'd have to change the sign.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Now, it would have cost him three grand to change it,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46so according to the Newham Recorder:
0:03:51 > 0:03:52LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:03:58That's very good.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01He's painted the O out, so if you have trouble finding it,
0:04:01 > 0:04:02the Cafe Olympic is at:
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- Now, there's all sorts... - Do you have to book?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12You probably do now.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Have you noticed how else language is being manipulated?
0:04:16 > 0:04:20The British team is known as Team GB, is that right?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22That's right, it's the naming of teams, really,
0:04:22 > 0:04:26in the same way that the English Sport Council is now Sport England.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28And these, of course,
0:04:28 > 0:04:32are all slogans dreamt up by Wankers Marketing.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37What did the residents of a block of flats in east London
0:04:37 > 0:04:38discover on their roof?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41They're going to have ground to air missiles for the Olympic Games.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43They're going to sit there gripped by the Olympics,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45and also gripped every time a plane goes overhead,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48wondering whether that's going to be their last moment.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52So yes, people had no idea that they were going to put missiles
0:04:52 > 0:04:55on the roof of where you lived, and they're absolutely up in arms.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56No pun intended.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:05:03- According to The Sun, the rockets will be used to... - According to The Sun?- Mm-hmm.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04The rockets'll have big breasts
0:05:04 > 0:05:06and go, "Oh, hello, how you doin', all right?"
0:05:09 > 0:05:10This is the Olympic torch,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14which is boldly going where no Olympic torch has gone before.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15AUDIENCE GROANS
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Namely...Yes, I agree with you.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Namely Truro and Ilfra-cooombe.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:24APPLAUSE
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Sounds...deeply sexual.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Have you been to Ilfracombe?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- I have.- The place is laced with prostitution.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:39That's their new slogan now!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41That's right!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43"Come and get laid in Ilfracombe."
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Ah, yes, this is the magnificent sight on the Thames,
0:05:48 > 0:05:53it's the jubilee, I think... Yes... This is not the hardest question we've ever been asked.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57There's quite a heart-warming moment halfway through
0:05:57 > 0:06:00when the Queen almost smiled.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I have a feeling she was there thinking,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"I've been given someone else's day out by mistake."
0:06:05 > 0:06:08This is an 86-year-old lady monarch.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10They've given her a boat trip and a pop concert.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Why not a bungee jump and a PlayStation?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- This is the four-day celebration... - Yes.- ..of the Queen's Jubilee.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Did you go along?- I was there. - Were you?- Yeah.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I thought it was fantastic, actually!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26With the greatest of respect, Ian, could you see through the crowds?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28LAUGHTER
0:06:28 > 0:06:29APPLAUSE
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Way back in the 18th century, the diarist John Evelyn
0:06:34 > 0:06:37described the Lord Mayor's Day flotilla as boasting:
0:06:42 > 0:06:44This time around, we got John Barrowman.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47There he is, putting the camp in campanology.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49LAUGHTER
0:06:49 > 0:06:51You sure it's not a mass suicide attempt?
0:06:51 > 0:06:52LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:55APPLAUSE
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"It's John Barrowman!" "Oh, no!"
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Meanwhile, how did the Queen get maximum enjoyment
0:07:01 > 0:07:02out of the Jubilee concert?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- She had her earplugs in.- She did!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06She gets nervous around fireworks.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- No, the fireworks were the good bit.- Mmm.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11That was incredible, Madness singing on top of the house.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14What I loved about that is while Madness were singing Our House,
0:07:14 > 0:07:18they were projecting images of small terraced houses and blocks of flats
0:07:18 > 0:07:22onto Buckingham Palace, which I think is almost taunting the poor.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24LAUGHTER
0:07:24 > 0:07:27This is what you live in. This is what we live in!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Yes, it's been a triumphant weekend for the Royal Family.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34The Duchess of York wore the perfect outfit for the occasion,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36a dressing gown and slippers as she watched it on the sofa.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:40That's Hugh Grant.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42That's Lord Leveson.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Blair.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45And Rebekah Brooks.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47And Cameron and Rebekah Brooks.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49And a witch.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50LAUGHTER
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Ian, you turned up, didn't you? You were in the very happy position of having nothing to hide.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Yeah, but I had no idea it was going to get this good.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Murdoch today - selective amnesia?
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Fabulous! The medics must be having a field day.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05"Can you remember anything about phone hacking?"
0:08:05 > 0:08:07"Noooo....."
0:08:09 > 0:08:12"Can you remember how badly all the politicians have behaved?"
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"Yeah, I bloody well can!"
0:08:15 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Andy Coulson.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- He's been arrested for perjury.- Yes.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- During a trial where someone else was on trial for perjury.- Yes.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27While he was actually working for the Prime Minister, which is pretty shocking.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Are you shocked, Alastair?
0:08:29 > 0:08:30- I'm shocked.- Are you?
0:08:30 > 0:08:31LAUGHTER
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I'm glad you're shocked, cos, you know...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Some of the people that this government
0:08:35 > 0:08:37have been hanging about with...
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Rebekah Brooks?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Know her at all?- I do!
0:08:41 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:47- Were you shocked when she was arrested?- I've been shocked by lots of things, Ian.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- He's been charged, though, not just arrested.- Yeah.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- He's been charged.- Which is why Ian's being so careful.- Yeah.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59About Andy Coulson, if not about me.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Well, they haven't charged you yet.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02LAUGHTER
0:09:02 > 0:09:03APPLAUSE
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Is it...is it hot in here?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER
0:09:16 > 0:09:17APPLAUSE
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- Tom Watson made a big, powerful speech, OK?- Yeah.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- And then he cocked it up by quoting Bob Dylan.- Mmm.- What did he say?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"The ladder of the law has no top or bottom," something like that.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Exactly right, no, that's bang on.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28No top and no bottom.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Tom Watson says his wife left him because of the phone hacking.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- Is that right?- Yeah, well, everyone's got an excuse for it, haven't they?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37He's a neckless, adenoidal Brummie...
0:09:38 > 0:09:41..who's a pitiful waste of blood and organs.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43LAUGHTER
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I suppose briefly in his favour, when his wife left him,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48he didn't slap a super-injunction on her.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Oh, no.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51APPLAUSE
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Wahey!
0:09:53 > 0:09:54APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:09:54 > 0:09:59- SINGS:- One-nil! One-nil! One-nil!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03The committee found that Rupert Murdoch had:
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Something Wendi Deng has to do every time his little blue pills kick in.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Well, that's the end of your column.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25As the wife often says to Rupert on a Friday night.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- To be honest, I'm very confused by the Leveson Inquiry.- Are you?- Hmm.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38There was a good bit about whether, at a party at Rebekah Brooks' house,
0:10:38 > 0:10:43there was a conversation between James Murdoch and the Prime Minister
0:10:43 > 0:10:45about the BSkyB takeover.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- But luckily, a Sun columnist called Clarkson...- Mmm?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52..went into print to say nothing ever happened.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53They didn't talk about it.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Then, would you believe it,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58the Prime Minister said "Yes, we did".
0:10:58 > 0:11:01So someone isn't telling the truth.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04No, that evening, I remember it extremely well.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08You see, that makes you unlike the Murdochs, who remember nothing.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I spent the entire evening talking to James Murdoch
0:11:11 > 0:11:13about the environment, which he loves and which I hate.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I don't know how he managed to have what he called a tiny chat
0:11:16 > 0:11:18about the takeover of BSkyB,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20because he was arguing with me constantly till 2am.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25Do you think he and Cameron ran away to the toilet to do it?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:31You do know what you just said?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34You didn't follow them in there, did you?
0:11:36 > 0:11:40James Murdoch did tell the inquiry that he definitely did discuss
0:11:40 > 0:11:43the proposed takeover of BSkyB with David Cameron
0:11:43 > 0:11:47at a Christmas party at Rebekah Brooks's house in December 2010,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50something David Cameron has always denied.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54Although Murdoch said, "It wasn't a discussion...
0:11:54 > 0:11:56"More of a tiny chat."
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Something like, "Will it go through, David?"
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"Yes, James. Mince pie?" "Lovely."
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Who wants to see a lingering shot
0:12:08 > 0:12:11of former News Of The World chief reporter Neville Thurlbeck,
0:12:11 > 0:12:15he of the infamous "for Neville" e-mails, on Newsnight?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I think you should have a look at this.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Joining us, Neville Thurlbeck, the former news editor
0:12:19 > 0:12:21and chief reporter at the News Of The World
0:12:21 > 0:12:25who's now the PR manager for Talking2Minds, a PTSD charity.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Neville Thurlbeck was arrested over allegations of his involvement
0:12:29 > 0:12:33in phone hacking and is bailed until next month.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Mr Sinister's in the building.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Incidentally, a poll was published recently that asked the question:
0:12:45 > 0:12:47And here was the result.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Why has Jeremy Hunt got the haircut of an 11-year-old boy?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00It's true, he's got that duckling tuft thing.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- Duckling Tuft?- Yeah.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05One of the finest Shakespearean actors this country ever produced?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07We saw Duckling Tuft in his prime.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- He played Hamlet.- He played Hamlet. - He became Sir Duckling Tuft.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Well, it's the return of Tony Blair.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- Um...- Much missed.- Yes!
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Yeah...
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Yes.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Er... - LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- No...- To be fair, he was brilliant at Leveson.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33He didn't even flinch, he didn't blink at any point.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35You trained him well.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37When that guy jumped out and went, "You're a war criminal!",
0:13:37 > 0:13:40he didn't even...he just went, "Yeah, whatever."
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- He's obviously... - So he didn't say, "Yeah."
0:13:43 > 0:13:45In his soul, he did.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49The... LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Oh, I resent that. The suggestion he has a soul. God!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54APPLAUSE
0:13:57 > 0:14:01But what else does Tony say happens when you stop being Prime Minister?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04You make tons of money for doing nothing.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08He actually said:
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Which is a lovely line, which I wrote. - LAUGHTER
0:14:18 > 0:14:20APPLAUSE
0:14:21 > 0:14:22There's a typo.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24It should say "culpable."
0:14:24 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:26 > 0:14:27APPLAUSE
0:14:30 > 0:14:33How much would this cost you? Do you know how much this would...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35250 quid. That's my copy!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- 250 quid?- Yeah.- This is yours? Would you like that for Christmas?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Mmm.- Do you want it?- If it was wrapped with consideration. Yeah, I'd have it, yeah.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I'll give you all presents.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Baroness, I bought you 50 Shades Of Grey, which is...
0:14:45 > 0:14:46LAUGHTER
0:14:46 > 0:14:48You've already got it.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53How did Sky News report David Cameron's reaction to the report?
0:14:53 > 0:14:54"Leave it, Leveson, or I'll cut ya!,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57"shouted Murdoch from behind the curtain."
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I did look up the bit about Piers Morgan
0:15:02 > 0:15:04in that report, I'll be honest.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07I know it's 700,000 million words,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10but the four or five about Piers are well worth a look.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Can you remember what they were?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Yeah, Lord Leveson didn't find his description of phone hacking
0:15:17 > 0:15:20and how he'd never done any entirely convincing.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22That's all I'm going to say. Go and read it for yourselves.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26The Conservatives don't want statutory underpinned regulation,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28the Labour Party do...
0:15:28 > 0:15:30"You're lying, Morgan, you toerag!
0:15:30 > 0:15:34"Come this side of the Atlantic and face the committee
0:15:34 > 0:15:38"instead of talking via internet satellite, you bastard".
0:15:40 > 0:15:43And winning, that's the penguin, he won, he's Mayor of London.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Is that the reaffirmation of marriage vows?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48It is!
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Who was the bride?
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Nick.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Well, we know what happens to the bride on her wedding night, don't we?
0:15:58 > 0:15:59APPLAUSE
0:16:01 > 0:16:03No, this is the elections.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05And it didn't go very well for the coalition.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07We saw Professor Pongu there, in Edinburgh.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09He beat the Lib Dem candidate.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11He did.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13A penguin got more votes...
0:16:13 > 0:16:18There's already a whiff of scandal. There is a belief that perhaps there might be a man inside this penguin.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19LAUGHTER
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Meanwhile, Boris Johnson...
0:16:21 > 0:16:22LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:16:22 > 0:16:24..narrowly won a second term in London.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Every inch the statesman, there he is.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30What's his, um...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34What is actually wrong with Boris's shorts there?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37He's actually put them on the wrong way round.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43Do you think they were on that way round when he left the house?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45So after their dismal election showing,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47where did Cameron and Clegg go?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Dignitas.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Ed Miliband condemned the policies mapped out in the Queen's Speech this week,
0:16:54 > 0:16:55telling the Prime Minister:
0:16:58 > 0:17:02And in two years, the Labour leader will go from Ed Miliband to David Miliband.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06It's the G8 summit.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08That's Cameron sunning his moobs.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Where was the real talking done?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Going to the gym. Didn't Obama and Cameron go to the gym together?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- You see? On a treadmill. - On a treadmill, was it?
0:17:18 > 0:17:19- On a running machine. - That's pathetic.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Going nowhere, what a wonderful metaphor.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27How has this casual approach damaged David Cameron?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31He is accused of chillaxing too much.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Chillaxing is a horrible word,
0:17:33 > 0:17:37it's a combination of chilling out and relaxing.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40And anyone who combines words like that is just a funt.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42LAUGHTER
0:17:42 > 0:17:44APPLAUSE
0:17:45 > 0:17:47So what solution to the Euro crisis
0:17:47 > 0:17:49is being urged by Britain, the United States,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51and, indeed, George Soros?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Watch the football instead.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Well, it's pretty much that Germany should take over the whole of Europe,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59except Britain, and just tell everyone what to do.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01George Soros has put it like this, he said:
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I can't believe no-one thought of this before!
0:18:07 > 0:18:08LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:10APPLAUSE
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I mean, it's perfect, isn't it?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18They must have been high-fiving each other in that meeting.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25What other leisure activities were available at Camp David?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Watching the football.- Yeah.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31And here they are, watching the first shoot-out
0:18:31 > 0:18:33that Obama watched live on TV.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Of course, this is not the first. There was another shoot-out...
0:18:40 > 0:18:43On the subject of the Champions' League final, did anyone notice
0:18:43 > 0:18:47what the Chelsea captain, John Terry, did after the final whistle?
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Yes, he got into his kit, didn't he, and he celebrated with everyone else.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53He'd been suspended...to be fair,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56he's got used to getting changed very quickly,
0:18:56 > 0:19:00usually when he hears a key in the front door.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01"Honey, I'm home!"
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Exactly. So he took credit for something he hadn't done.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Yes, many people thought John Terry was intruding
0:19:08 > 0:19:10on somebody else's great moment,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12and some people on the internet did this.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18On the subject of faked images,
0:19:18 > 0:19:22did anybody see the Romanian TV presenter
0:19:22 > 0:19:24who tried to fake a sandstorm?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- No!- No.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30The man was reporting on a sandstorm, missed the sandstorm, and here's what happened.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33MAN SPEAKS ROMANIAN
0:19:39 > 0:19:41LAUGHTER
0:19:47 > 0:19:49This is the G8 meeting.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53In a recent speech, the former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, declared:
0:20:06 > 0:20:09That's what you need in a crisis - a mad Scotsman shouting,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12"We cannae take it any longer, captain!"
0:20:12 > 0:20:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:15 > 0:20:18This is the American election, and Barack Obama has won convincingly.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22That's Obama delivering pizzas to everyone because he's a Communist.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Why is it that of all the people that seem to run for President,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29there's always one of them that's a complete dodo. What's going on?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I mean, even his name - Mitt.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Mitt?! What sort of name is that?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35What's it short for, Mitthew? I mean, what is it?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39"Mr and Mrs Romney, you've got a new child. What are you going to call him?"
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- "We're going to call him Mitt!" - LAUGHTER
0:20:42 > 0:20:43"Why?"
0:20:45 > 0:20:47There was this widely distributed image.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Um...
0:20:53 > 0:20:56There were some technical issues with voting machines.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Did anyone see that story?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59There was a voting machine
0:20:59 > 0:21:01where a person kept pressing the button for Obama,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03and the machine kept registering Romney.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- Ooh.- That's absolutely right.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11It's magic.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12And he still lost.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Yeah.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17These things are harder to fix than you think.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21That's an appalling accusation!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Romney admitted having strapped his dog to the top of a car
0:21:25 > 0:21:29for a 12-hour drive from Boston to Ontario.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Nigel, pretty far, or pretty standard right-wing nutjob stuff?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35And then his wife's plane was forced to land
0:21:35 > 0:21:39after smoke was detected, and he told the press:
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Well, Mitt's wife, very movingly,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56described their struggle with poverty
0:21:56 > 0:21:58as a young married Mormon couple:
0:22:09 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER
0:22:10 > 0:22:12APPLAUSE
0:22:15 > 0:22:17The Times reminded its readers
0:22:17 > 0:22:21of the party symbols of the Republicans and the Democrats -
0:22:21 > 0:22:23the elephant and the donkey.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Representing both the weight and the intelligence
0:22:26 > 0:22:28of the average American voter.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I'm glad the BBC's asked this question.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Presumably, this will be cut and shown on ITV in three weeks' time.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42It's a brilliant disguise. You dress up as a paedophile.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45The thing I think is a bit sad is all these people
0:22:45 > 0:22:48at home who have Jim'll Fix It badges,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51you know, and they've had that little memory of their childhood
0:22:51 > 0:22:52just completely wiped.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56I think we should get all those badges -
0:22:56 > 0:22:58this is something Twitter would be good for -
0:22:58 > 0:23:01get all those badges and melt them down
0:23:01 > 0:23:04and turn them into a giant stake and drive it through his grave.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07You know?
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Did you see how uncooperative Jeremy Paxman was this week? Look at this.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Mr Paxman, have you got any comments about the Newsnight investigation?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18No, have you?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Moving on, which other much-loved and respected
0:23:23 > 0:23:26TV entertainer's reputation may be tarnished
0:23:26 > 0:23:28by a new investigation?
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Pudsey.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It's Piers Morgan, isn't it?
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Yes. What is the story?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Well...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42It looked for a while as though only News International
0:23:42 > 0:23:45were going to get blamed for phone hacking, but now,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48would you believe it, someone's taken a civil action
0:23:48 > 0:23:50against the Mirror Group, four people.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53And the editor at the time of the trouble was Piers Morgan...
0:23:53 > 0:23:57..who is innocent.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04He has repeatedly denied having anything to do with phone hacking.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Yes, though, amusingly,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09most of the evidence comes from his own autobiography.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11What does Jeremy Paxman have to say about Piers?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- Tell us.- Do you remember that?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16He told the Leveson Inquiry that over a lunch at the Mirror in 2002,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Piers Morgan explained that Paxman would be a fool
0:24:19 > 0:24:21not to have his own security setting on his mobile voicemail.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Piers Morgan laughed this off,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32and said he can't remember any of the details.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35To be fair, he has a very patchy memory. In the Daily Mail,
0:24:35 > 0:24:36he said of Jimmy Savile:
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Yet in an extract from Piers' book,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42also printed in the Daily Mail in 2009, he said:
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Ah, yes, it's...
0:24:55 > 0:24:57It's about breeding. About breeding. Babies, yes.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Well, it's the coverage, isn't it? What happened was, a passer-by gave him a miniature babygro,
0:25:01 > 0:25:05and that was a few days before the baby was announced.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Oh, you're melting with sweetness! - LAUGHTER
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Actually, I'm melting with suppressed nausea.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16And now we've got nine months of Nicholas Witchell...
0:25:17 > 0:25:19..telling us how she feels.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21And The Telegraph joined in with the speculation-fest.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Tuesday's front page asked:
0:25:25 > 0:25:28The Telegraph was so interested in whether it was twins or not,
0:25:28 > 0:25:32there was a letter saying, "If it's twins and it's a caesarean,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"the surgeon will decide who becomes king or queen."
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- Or bring them out simultaneously... - Possibly.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- ..and have a coalition monarchy. - Oh, wow!
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Yes!
0:25:44 > 0:25:48What might the baby look like? Any ideas? Do you think like the parents?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Either the parents or indeed a close friend of the family.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- APPLAUSE - There's precedent, you know.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58This is what The Sun thinks it'll look like.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Ohh!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03My God, they'd kill it at birth if it looks like that.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07I thought The Omen was fiction.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09The baby will take its place in the line of succession
0:26:09 > 0:26:11whether male or female.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13This met with widespread approval in the papers.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15For example, one royal commentator said:
0:26:24 > 0:26:27That was Nicole, 20, from Bournemouth.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:30APPLAUSE
0:26:31 > 0:26:35This is the news that the Duchess of Cambridge is expecting...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38to be hassled by the paparazzi even more than she was before.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42A buzzing Prince Harry cracked open a jeroboam of vintage champagne
0:26:42 > 0:26:43at eight in the morning.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45And then heard the news that Kate was pregnant.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Round the back of a beautician's in Knightsbridge,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52there's evidence that Rebekah Brooks
0:26:52 > 0:26:56celebrated her multi-million pound payoff with a bikini wax.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08In China, responding to international pressure,
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Apple grudgingly allow their iPad factory workers out
0:27:11 > 0:27:12for a five-minute tea break.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24And as they rehearse for the Olympic opening ceremony,
0:27:24 > 0:27:28London's top dance troupe regrets agreeing to find a place
0:27:28 > 0:27:30for Seb Coe's Auntie Jean.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44So now we're in Round Two!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- CHEERING - Yes!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49And I'm going to give you musical clues to these stories.
0:27:49 > 0:27:54And this is from my latest album, which I take it you've heard.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:57OK. See?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00I appeal to the masses and not to the intelligentsia.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08MUSIC INTRO: "God Save The Queen" by The Sex Pistols
0:28:08 > 0:28:09God save the Queen.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11LAUGHTER
0:28:11 > 0:28:12The fascist regime.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15They made you a moron.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Potential H-bomb.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Anybody got any ideas?
0:28:20 > 0:28:21LAUGHTER
0:28:21 > 0:28:22BUZZER
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- Other than throwing me out! - APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Is it The Rite Of Spring by Stravinsky?
0:28:30 > 0:28:31LAUGHTER
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Well, this is news that three pensioners were evicted
0:28:35 > 0:28:37from a royal-themed tea room
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- for refusing to stand up during the national anthem.- Oh, yes.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Who owns the tea room?
0:28:42 > 0:28:44A mad lady.
0:28:44 > 0:28:45It's Anita Atkinson,
0:28:45 > 0:28:49whose personal views on the monarchy are a little unclear.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51LAUGHTER
0:28:52 > 0:28:53At 3pm every day:
0:28:58 > 0:28:59LAUGHTER
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Oh, that's nice and respectful, yeah.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Is there anything else about the tea room
0:29:05 > 0:29:09- that the ejected pensioneers disliked apart from...- Pensioneers?
0:29:09 > 0:29:11That's a good word!
0:29:11 > 0:29:13That makes them sound more get up and go, doesn't it?
0:29:13 > 0:29:15"Yeah, I'm a pensioneer."
0:29:15 > 0:29:17You could say pensioner...
0:29:17 > 0:29:19but it has such a common sound.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23- No, I love it.- And you want pensioneer, like pioneer. - The Pensioneers!
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Pioneers, exactly. People who go out and get those...
0:29:26 > 0:29:28- And rest. - ..winter fuel allowances.- Yeah.
0:29:31 > 0:29:36And say, "One for all and all for...sorry, hang on, I've forgotten what I came in for."
0:29:37 > 0:29:39You people are messed up!
0:29:40 > 0:29:42And I say that coming from a country
0:29:42 > 0:29:46that brought you the sandwich in a can and a TV channel for dogs.
0:29:50 > 0:29:51BUZZER
0:29:51 > 0:29:53Yeah, this is a really serious story, actually,
0:29:53 > 0:29:56and I think it should be treated with a great amount of seriousness,
0:29:56 > 0:30:01that the boy band One Direction, on a visit to, I believe it was Australia,
0:30:01 > 0:30:02held a koala.
0:30:04 > 0:30:05That's not the serious part of it.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09The koala urinated...
0:30:09 > 0:30:10SHE LAUGHS
0:30:12 > 0:30:14..on One Direction.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16In one direction or on One Direction?
0:30:16 > 0:30:19In all directions on One Direction.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23They were then told the quite frankly shocking statistic that 80%,
0:30:23 > 0:30:27that's 80%, of koalas have chlamydia.
0:30:29 > 0:30:33There is therefore a real and present danger that One Direction...
0:30:34 > 0:30:38..top boy band, will have contracted...
0:30:38 > 0:30:39SHE LAUGHS
0:30:39 > 0:30:41..chlamydia from a koala.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43LAUGHTER
0:30:44 > 0:30:47Is the correct answer.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50APPLAUSE
0:30:50 > 0:30:52The incident took place during a photo session.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56Asked if they'd be happy to cuddle the dopey but cute-looking creatures,
0:30:56 > 0:30:57the koalas said, "Yeah, why not?"
0:30:57 > 0:30:59LAUGHTER
0:31:03 > 0:31:05BELL RINGS
0:31:05 > 0:31:06That's a waxwork.
0:31:06 > 0:31:10- It's the world's worst wax museum, the Louis Tussaud's...- Ah, Louis.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13..House of Wax in Great Yarmouth. It's facing closure.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16- Shall we have a look at some of their other work?- Yes, please.- Yes.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18First of all, who's this?
0:31:18 > 0:31:19Michael Jackson, obviously.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22No, it isn't, that's Edwina Currie.
0:31:22 > 0:31:23LAUGHTER
0:31:23 > 0:31:24Paul, you're right. Next one?
0:31:26 > 0:31:29- Is that Ian Botham? - Ooh, you're on fire!
0:31:29 > 0:31:31I'm startled by your ability to do this.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34Yeah, I'm rather startled myself, actually.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36That's just the dude at reception.
0:31:36 > 0:31:37LAUGHTER
0:31:37 > 0:31:38Daley Thompson.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40- It is actually Daley Thompson. - Oh, is it?
0:31:40 > 0:31:44I resent the premise of this. They clearly know who these people are.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47You might get William Pitt the Younger in a minute. Just...
0:31:48 > 0:31:49BELL RINGS
0:31:49 > 0:31:50Neanderthal man.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54- George Best.- Yes, correct.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56- Ah...- George Best?!
0:31:57 > 0:31:59- BELL RINGS - Next...- Tom Cruise.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03- I can see who's behind him, is that...- Noel Edmonds!
0:32:06 > 0:32:08I'll give you a clue.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10- I will give you a clue.- Yeah.
0:32:10 > 0:32:17The person in that picture looks absolutely nothing like the person whose name appears on my list.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19Is it the Dalai Lama?
0:32:20 > 0:32:21It's Jim Davidson.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26One review of the waxwork museum in Great Yarmouth said:
0:32:28 > 0:32:32Which, coincidentally, is the motto of the Great Yarmouth Tourist Authority.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:32:37 > 0:32:42Jesus, Rothko's Black on Maroon, Vladimir Putin and Richard III.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Richard III's just been dug up.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47- Yep, his bones were apparently found in a car park.- Yeah.
0:32:47 > 0:32:51Er...Vladimir Putin knows where lots of people are buried.
0:32:51 > 0:32:52LAUGHTER
0:32:54 > 0:32:56The Rothko's been defaced.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58- Yeah.- Shall I tell you?- Yeah, go on.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00They've all been painted over apart from Vladimir Putin,
0:33:00 > 0:33:03whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08And here we come to that lovely fresco of Jesus Christ,
0:33:08 > 0:33:12which was painted over by an enthusiastic amateur restorer
0:33:12 > 0:33:14in her local church in Spain. Let's have a look.
0:33:14 > 0:33:18REPORTER: This is how Christ was depicted originally...
0:33:18 > 0:33:20And this as he looks now after a DIY restoration.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Now, King Richard III's portrait
0:33:24 > 0:33:26was painted over during the reign of the Tudors.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28And why has he been in the news recently?
0:33:28 > 0:33:31- Cos they found his remains under a car park in Leicester, was it? - That's right.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34So he's not just been painted over, he's been tarmacked over.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36LAUGHTER
0:33:36 > 0:33:39They have all been painted over apart from Vladimir Putin,
0:33:39 > 0:33:41whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot.
0:33:41 > 0:33:45One supporter of Pussy Riot is former world chess champion,
0:33:45 > 0:33:48Garry Kasparov, who outside the court was attacked
0:33:48 > 0:33:51by members of the Russian Orthodox Church.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54He found himself trapped in a corner by two bishops.
0:33:54 > 0:33:55LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:33:58 > 0:33:59Orson Welles, Dawn French,
0:33:59 > 0:34:03Conrad Black and Antony Worrall Thompson.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Is Antony Worrall Thompson ever not the odd man out?
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Is it fancy dress?
0:34:08 > 0:34:11- Mm-hmm?- There's definitely a picture
0:34:11 > 0:34:14- of Conrad Black dressed...is it Cardinal Richelieu?- It is.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17You must have been so sorry you wore that costume.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19It was the only one left.
0:34:19 > 0:34:23And it wasn't Richelieu, by the way.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27I was just an ordinary cardinal, and my wife didn't even have a costume.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30She put a lot of petticoats under something she had
0:34:30 > 0:34:33- and came as a barmaid.- Shall we have a quick look at the pair of you?
0:34:33 > 0:34:36When you say your wife didn't have a costume...
0:34:39 > 0:34:40So who's the odd one out?
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Orson Welles appeared as Cardinal Richelieu in a film,
0:34:43 > 0:34:46and Dawn French has appeared as a vicar. So she's the odd one out
0:34:46 > 0:34:50because the others have appeared as a cardinal in some shape or form.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Spot on, yep. That is right.
0:34:54 > 0:34:58Orson Welles was in the 1966 film version of A Man For All Seasons.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00He played the part of Cardinal Wolsey.
0:35:00 > 0:35:05Can anyone think of another role Orson Welles played in his career?
0:35:05 > 0:35:08- Citizen Kane.- Citizen Kane?- Yes.
0:35:08 > 0:35:09He played Charles Foster Kane,
0:35:09 > 0:35:12a power-crazed multimillionaire newspaper tycoon
0:35:12 > 0:35:15who faces a humiliating demise on account of his own greed.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Not humiliating, no, not humiliating.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22Antony Worrall Thompson has dressed as a cardinal
0:35:22 > 0:35:25to mark the launch of the national Save The Cauliflower campaign,
0:35:25 > 0:35:27which explains why he nicked all that cheddar.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31He just loves cauliflower cheese.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Why's he dressed as a cardinal?
0:35:34 > 0:35:36He couldn't get a cauliflower costume.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40Yes, they have all dressed as a cardinal except Dawn French,
0:35:40 > 0:35:43who dressed as a vicar. At the end of every episode,
0:35:43 > 0:35:45the vicar of Dibley told a joke to her friend Alice,
0:35:45 > 0:35:48who never, ever laughed, though to be fair to Alice,
0:35:48 > 0:35:50by the end of The Vicar Of Dibley, she wasn't alone.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54Here is Antony Worrall Thompson dressed as a cardinal.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57If you think he looks embarrassed there, imagine how he felt
0:35:57 > 0:35:59when they took that hat off and found an Edam.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03Here is Conrad, dressed as a cardinal,
0:36:03 > 0:36:06on his way to becoming Pope Innocent the Not.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10Right, time now for the missing words round,
0:36:10 > 0:36:13which this week features as its guest publication,
0:36:13 > 0:36:14Cat Fancy.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Or as I call it, The Spinster.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23And we start with:
0:36:26 > 0:36:27Something 10 foot away?
0:36:29 > 0:36:30Boris Johnson.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34Says lonely widow.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40Who's increased the security on her front door.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42She's boarded up the cat flap,
0:36:42 > 0:36:44which isn't a euphemism.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51The answer is:
0:36:51 > 0:36:53Yes, according to Cat Fancy,
0:36:53 > 0:36:57there are several possible causes of bad breath in cats,
0:36:57 > 0:37:01the main one being how it licks out its own arsehole.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Next:
0:37:09 > 0:37:10Dementia.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Is it "flirted with Velcro"?
0:37:18 > 0:37:19APPLAUSE
0:37:22 > 0:37:24No, the answer is "picked up a stud or two."
0:37:24 > 0:37:25Next:
0:37:27 > 0:37:28Says "Piss off, Jesus".
0:37:30 > 0:37:33Blasphemous pineapple says "Bollocks to the Pope". I don't know.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Blasphemous pineapple converts to Methodism.
0:37:38 > 0:37:39- Quite close.- Quite close?!
0:37:41 > 0:37:42The answer is:
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Members of Reading University's Atheist Society
0:37:47 > 0:37:49were thrown out of a freshers' fair
0:37:49 > 0:37:53because they displayed a pineapple called Mohammed on their stall.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56The incident provoked strong debate on both sides.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03..said a banana called Malcolm.
0:38:05 > 0:38:06Next:
0:38:08 > 0:38:12Photograph of himself holding a carrot.
0:38:12 > 0:38:13Dirty devil!
0:38:13 > 0:38:16"Sends donkey an ill-fitting dress."
0:38:16 > 0:38:17More surreal than that.
0:38:17 > 0:38:21A fitting dress. A well-fitting dress.
0:38:21 > 0:38:25"Djokovic sends donkey cheese market wonky."
0:38:26 > 0:38:31Oh, now, if you're just going to pick words out of a dictionary...
0:38:31 > 0:38:35This is the story that the world tennis number one, Novak Djokovic,
0:38:35 > 0:38:40has bought up all of the world's supply of donkey cheese.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42Make of that what you will.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44I would make maybe a souffle?
0:38:44 > 0:38:46LAUGHTER
0:38:46 > 0:38:47It'd be a big souffle.
0:38:47 > 0:38:48Yeah. APPLAUSE
0:38:48 > 0:38:49Huge.
0:38:51 > 0:38:52Next:
0:38:52 > 0:38:56- Didn't you run the Department of Agriculture for a while?- Exactly.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Five and a half years in agriculture,
0:38:58 > 0:39:01and I absolutely loved it.
0:39:01 > 0:39:02I really did.
0:39:03 > 0:39:07And I'm very keen on a new charity that has been formed
0:39:07 > 0:39:12to try and help young farmers starting up in a very cold world.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14Does that fit in that gap?
0:39:14 > 0:39:16The answer is:
0:39:19 > 0:39:22This is a new craze, which began in Newcastle
0:39:22 > 0:39:24in which people buy milk,
0:39:24 > 0:39:28then tip it over their heads for no reason whatsoever.
0:39:28 > 0:39:29Let's have a look.
0:39:29 > 0:39:34- Milk.- Milk.- How funny. Good Lord.
0:39:34 > 0:39:35All over their heads.
0:39:35 > 0:39:39The next thing, they'll be doing it in Trafalgar Square.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42Baroness T, have you ever milked?
0:39:42 > 0:39:43Mind your own business.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51My father had a goat.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54And he used to milk it.
0:39:54 > 0:39:58Never touch a billy goat, because you can never get the smell off you.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01Why would you be attempting to milk a billy goat?
0:40:03 > 0:40:05People do make mistakes.
0:40:13 > 0:40:14Regained India.
0:40:18 > 0:40:19The day the Queen threw a tantrum,
0:40:19 > 0:40:22and tipped a pot of ink over her own head.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26But only because she had run out of stamps,
0:40:26 > 0:40:29and so she had to slam her head against the envelope.
0:40:29 > 0:40:30LAUGHTER
0:40:32 > 0:40:35Is that the funniest thing you've ever heard?
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Bam!
0:40:37 > 0:40:38"Mail this!"
0:40:38 > 0:40:39APPLAUSE
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45Oh, it's a freeze frame.
0:40:45 > 0:40:46LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:40:46 > 0:40:48Thank you very much.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52"David Attenborough lives over there, let's see how he likes it."
0:40:52 > 0:40:53LAUGHTER
0:40:56 > 0:40:59And I leave you with news that in central London,
0:40:59 > 0:41:02Boris Johnson brings a whole new meaning to the word "wiff-waff."
0:41:06 > 0:41:10Olympic organisers admit it was a mistake to allow official sponsors,
0:41:10 > 0:41:12John West, to design the media centre.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18And at the Institute of Contemporary Dance,
0:41:18 > 0:41:22rehearsals are under way for its carefully choreographed new work -
0:41:22 > 0:41:25"Clegg and Cameron: The Coalition."
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Good night.
0:41:33 > 0:41:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:05 > 0:42:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd