0:00:02 > 0:00:05Ten years since I was last on this show, shortly after a small-scale scandal
0:00:05 > 0:00:07which, at the time, was called,
0:00:07 > 0:00:10"The biggest scandal in the BBC's history."
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Things change!
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Good evening. Welcome to
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57In the news this week, in the offices of Wonga.com,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00two desperate customers apply for a massive loan.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09At their regular briefing at Labour HQ, the Shadow Chancellor
0:01:09 > 0:01:13looks for a leadership poll that he can actually show to Ed Miliband.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26The scandal over how little Starbucks has paid
0:01:26 > 0:01:29the Inland Revenue takes a new twist,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32as the company reveals its current tax advisor.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:45On Ian's team tonight is a writer and comedian
0:01:45 > 0:01:48who has written a book called, The Joy Of No Sex.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Presumably, a guide to married life. Please welcome Will Smith.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54APPLAUSE
0:01:58 > 0:02:02And with Paul tonight is a TV and radio presenter
0:02:02 > 0:02:04who once appeared in Hotel Babylon,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07in which his character hired escort girls to play Scrabble with him.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11He then had sex, which was worth ten points.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Please welcome Richard Bacon.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16APPLAUSE
0:02:20 > 0:02:22And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Paul and Richard, take a look at this.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Oh, yes, Prince Charles.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29He writes letters to various government ministers,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32saying what he would like to happen about certain issues.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35We're not allowed to see them because it might affect him
0:02:35 > 0:02:36when he's King, apparently.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39It's him practising being a king at the moment.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41He practises being a king every Tuesday.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Work experience, it's called.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45It's come from Dominic Grieve, hasn't it?
0:02:45 > 0:02:50I think Prince Charles wrote a lot of letters to Tony Blair's government
0:02:50 > 0:02:53in 2004 and 2005, commenting on a range of issues.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56What, from biscuits, to yogurt?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I like your wife.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03But Dominic Grieve, he's the Attorney General,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05and his position appears to be
0:03:05 > 0:03:07that Prince Charles is supposed to be neutral,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10but because he hasn't been neutral,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12you can't know what he hasn't been neutral about...
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Cos we'll get upset.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16If you knew what he hadn't been neutral about,
0:03:16 > 0:03:17you wouldn't think he was neutral.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19You're absolutely right.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23This has been vetoed by Dominic Grieve, as you said,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25he's the Attorney General and he's a bit like that, old Grievy,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27from what I know of him.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- BURST OF LAUGHTER - Yeah, yeah.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33According to the Guardian, the ban relates to...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Nobody knows the contents of the letters,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49but does anyone know what happened in April 2005 that Charles
0:03:49 > 0:03:51might have been writing letters about?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Who won the X Factor...
0:03:55 > 0:03:57In fact, on April 9th, 2005...
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Oh, really?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- So what do you reckon? - I reckon they were just invites.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09They're called the black spider letters, because
0:04:09 > 0:04:11the handwriting looks like black spiders, but what if
0:04:11 > 0:04:14he's actually just writing about black spiders and he's gone mad?!
0:04:14 > 0:04:20Or signs it Black Spider. Some kind of bizarre superhero.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23So Prince Charles by day, by night, the Black Spider!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26In a big spider costume, with eight pens simultaneously...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Running across modern buildings going,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30"Oh, I hate the architecture!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33"It's the Black Spider!"
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- That was nearly a theme tune then. - Yes, a theme tune.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39# Black spider, black spider... #
0:04:39 > 0:04:43And he's got a call sign in the sky. Zoom!
0:04:44 > 0:04:48The sign goes up, the Book Of Common Prayer is under assault.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50HE HUMS A TUNE
0:04:50 > 0:04:54When you mix with popular culture, it's always a very strange...
0:04:54 > 0:04:57by-product we get.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- Shall we have a look at some of his handwriting?- Yeah.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02That says, "Well done on "such a splendid effort.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"I can't tell you what a difference it makes
0:05:04 > 0:05:06"or how much pleasure it gives me. Charles."
0:05:06 > 0:05:10That was just after the first time he had it off with Diana.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Meanwhile, in other Royal news,
0:05:13 > 0:05:17by whom was the Queen not amused this week?
0:05:17 > 0:05:18- Jeremy Hunt.- Indeed.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21He's currently glorying in the title of the dimmest man in Britain.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24He said to the Queen, "A Japanese tourist said to me
0:05:24 > 0:05:27"that we'd never get the Emperor to jump out of a plane."
0:05:27 > 0:05:29And she just looked at him and went...
0:05:29 > 0:05:30and walked off.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34And Prince Philip came up and said, "Who are you?" Then head-butted him.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Jeremy Hunt went down like a sack of corn.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Princess Anne came in and booted him in the, er, in the...
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Parliamentary privilege...
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Most of that is true, apart from the end bit.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, right.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47He did say...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Crash into a ship, maybe.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Prince Philip, of course, asked straight out...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05When Jeremy Hunt explained he was the Health Secretary
0:06:05 > 0:06:09but had been Culture Secretary during the Olympics and the Jubilee, Philip replied...
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Incidentally, a poll was published recently that asked the question...
0:06:22 > 0:06:23And here was the result.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33There was yet another Downing Street power struggle this week.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Anyone read about that?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Yes, cats.- Indeed, it was cats.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Larry was David Cameron's cat and Freya was George Osborne's. Shall we have a look at them scrapping?
0:06:44 > 0:06:45George Osborne's cat
0:06:45 > 0:06:48had simply requested to leave
0:06:48 > 0:06:49the main gate in Downing Street...
0:06:52 > 0:06:53And we've mentioned it.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Which unpleasant fracas took place in Downing Street
0:06:56 > 0:06:58and refuses to go away?
0:06:58 > 0:06:59It is, of course...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Andrew Mitchell.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04He accused himself of not telling the truth in his previous statement.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07It looks like he was in the House of Commons and the man...
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Ed Milliband...was having a go at Mitchell,
0:07:10 > 0:07:14saying, "Why won't he resign?" And he said, "You swore at a policeman."
0:07:14 > 0:07:16And Mitchell, who was sitting in the House of Commons,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18apparently mouthed, "I didn't swear."
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Last time he was asked to give evidence, he said he did swear.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25So he's accusing himself of not telling the truth,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27which is shocking.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I think... This is what I understand from the radio this morning...
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- It wasn't your programme, was it? - Thank you for plugging my show, Ian.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35That's the afternoon.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Two o'clock. BBC Radio Five Live. Thanks for asking.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I didn't know there was a Radio Five.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Apparently, Andrew Mitchell's people are now saying,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50"No, no. He did swear, but he didn't swear at the policeman.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53"He sort of swore to himself, under his breath."
0:07:53 > 0:07:59You know, I mean, Cameron keeps backing these people, like Coulson,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02that are clearly just horrible arseholes.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04He's got to stop using that agency.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07"Horrible Arseholes, can we help you?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"Culture Secretary? Certainly, there will be one on the way."
0:08:10 > 0:08:15Or he could have just misheard, he could have said, "You Clegg."
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- No, I don't think he was THAT insulting.- No. Too rude.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Did you know he's related to David Mitchell?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Which David Mitchell?- His father.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28He's related to his father?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31This is the news that Prince Charles' letters to Ministers
0:08:31 > 0:08:32will not be made public.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37In a letter to Tony Blair in 1999, Prince Charles expressed his views
0:08:37 > 0:08:39on the decline of traditional farming methods.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44He told his pot plant, before putting pen to paper.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Meanwhile, the Plebgate row rumbles on.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53If he does get sacked, Andrew Mitchell will end up as the worst possible advert
0:08:53 > 0:08:55for traditional Conservative values,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57as he got on his bike, and then lost a job.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Ian and Will, take a look at this.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Ah, coffee.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08Blair, before he was haunted. The future Prime Minister. Oh, God.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11And a giant Nick Clegg drinking from a normal cup.
0:09:13 > 0:09:20This is Starbucks paying, what was it, 0.00003% tax?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23It's paid zero tax on its profits since 2009.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28Do you know how much their sales were worth in the UK last year?
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Try us.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34398 million. Just worth saying again, they paid no tax at all.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36That's a really big latte, isn't it?
0:09:36 > 0:09:41And which company is Starbucks' nearest rival in this country?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- Costa, I suppose, isn't it? - It is Costa.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Costa Coffee, by way of comparison...
0:09:45 > 0:09:50Costa, here's their logo, incidentally.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53They had slightly lower sales,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56but still managed to cough up 15 million to the Exchequer.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59How did Starbucks actually pull off their rather stunning feat?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02It's quite clever, not in a positive way, Jo.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04What they do is,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07they pay themselves, in America, a royalty of 6% of everything,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10and they own other companies in Switzerland and Amsterdam
0:10:10 > 0:10:14that roast the coffee beans, and they pay them a load of money, so...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I didn't realise you were so nerdy. That's brilliant.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- How long have you known all this? - I've long been nerdy, Jo.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23And so that technically means they don't make a profit in Britain,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26and that's why they don't pay the tax.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Yeah, but that's why we have a, you know, a revenue system.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30It's to say, "That's an obvious scam.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34"Would you grow up and give us the money, please?"
0:10:34 > 0:10:37People do it. You know, Vodafone, they're registered in Ireland,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40and Philip Green's wife lives in Monaco.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43We've seen all this stuff before and it's jolly amusing,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45but it's time for the money.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47APPLAUSE
0:10:49 > 0:10:53I'll tell you how they actually put it. They claimed they had to pay royalties
0:10:53 > 0:10:56to Starbucks in other countries for the use of...
0:11:00 > 0:11:01But they're paying that to themselves.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03WILL: How do you brand coffee?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- I don't know.- OK. Richard?
0:11:05 > 0:11:09How do you brand coffee? Just the logo?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12They're just paying money for...?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Yeah, but they're paying themselves for their own brand.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16That's insane.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Yeah. - Let's go and kick their asses.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It doesn't sound good, Jo, does it?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Richard, it doesn't. You're absolutely right.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29- How are they justifying...? - We've moved onto daytime telly now!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Which well-known coffee-producing country
0:11:31 > 0:11:32do they buy their beans from?
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- I think it's Switzerland. - It is, indeed.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41They buy their coffee beans through a Starbucks subsidiary
0:11:41 > 0:11:43based in a cupboard in Switzerland.
0:11:43 > 0:11:49And whilst tax evasion is illegal, tax avoidance is perfectly legal,
0:11:49 > 0:11:54I've been asked to point out by Jimmy Carr.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Shaun Keaveny, who presents the Six Music Breakfast Show, made a good point...
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- Oh, come on, not another one!- Six?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03We're going to get through all of them.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I have been sent here by the head of BBC Radio to plug
0:12:08 > 0:12:11all of the little-known BBC Radio stations.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14But he made a good point when he said, next time they ask you
0:12:14 > 0:12:18for your name on the cup, just say, "Tax-paying British citizen."
0:12:18 > 0:12:23But who else has been in the frame recently for similarly low
0:12:23 > 0:12:24tax payments in the UK?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28All the big companies do it. Amazon are very bad, Facebook, Google.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Yeah, you Google tax, nothing comes up.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Of all the companies as well, Apple,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38it just seems like such a nice company, doesn't it?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42- Does it? - Well, I'm obviously very naive. - Yeah.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Well, Blue Peter was your start.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52If we look at Facebook, their sales last year, 175 million.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Corporation tax paid, 238,000.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Effective tax rate, 0.136%.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Amazon. Sales over the last three years, 7.6 billion.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Corporation tax paid - nil.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07And let's not forget Sir Philip Green.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10He, of course, is from BHS and Topshop,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and arranged for his wife, who happens to live in Monaco,
0:13:13 > 0:13:17to be paid a £1.2 billion dividend a few years ago,
0:13:17 > 0:13:21the biggest single pay-out made to an individual in corporate history,
0:13:21 > 0:13:25thereby avoiding paying any UK tax on the transaction.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Where does he live?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Is he in a council flat in Penge?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Some people blame the complicated nature of the UK tax system
0:13:34 > 0:13:36for large companies avoiding tax.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40But don't worry, resources are being poured into solving the problem,
0:13:40 > 0:13:42as Newsnight discovered this week.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45How many people have you got working on the tax simplification system?
0:13:45 > 0:13:49We have a staff, effectively, of slightly under six.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Six?!- And it's doing certain projects. I've a lot of backup,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55with colleagues at Chartered Institute of Taxation...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Wait, let me get my head round this.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Does George Osborne know you've only got six?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05He hasn't got six. He's got slightly under six.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10Yes. That's a puzzling number. Slightly under six.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11And on the subject of vast sums of money,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14who did we learn this week picked up a severance package
0:14:14 > 0:14:17worth about 7 million quid when they left their job last year?
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Rebekah Brooks.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Ian, you'll know this better than me, but everyone thought
0:14:20 > 0:14:22she'd picked up 1.7 million,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24and it turned out she'd got 7 million, I think.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- Is that right?- Yeah, no, I should have been surprised.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29She was just given a huge payoff,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31which is difficult to spend in prison.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33HE LAUGHS
0:14:33 > 0:14:35But as we said, under the terms of the arrangement,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37she might have to pay it back,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39under the circumstances you've brought up.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Yeah, if she were found guilty.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Yes. If she's convicted of a criminal offence, that's right.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48As her case hasn't come up yet,
0:14:48 > 0:14:52I've been advised that I shouldn't say anything further.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56On the subject of Rebekah Brooks,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59why were David Cameron's private e-mails to her
0:14:59 > 0:15:00withheld from the Leveson Inquiry?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- We don't know. - His personal lawyer decided
0:15:03 > 0:15:05they weren't relevant, so Cameron...
0:15:08 > 0:15:11That's interesting, because for everyone else summoned to
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Lord Leveson, if he said, "Can I have the e-mails, please?" You had to give them to him.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16But in the Prime Minister's case, he said,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19"Oh, when he says, give me the e-mails, does he mean these ones?"
0:15:19 > 0:15:21And he consults his own lawyer, who says no.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24And he says, "Well, that's it, then." How does that work?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I mean, they're obviously full of things saying,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28"Can I have some of the 7 million?"
0:15:30 > 0:15:32No, they're not. No.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Are you in a mischievous mood tonight, Ian?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37You didn't have plans for Christmas?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41The Independent this week said...
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I bet they are. LOL!
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Let's just catch up with what boss-man Rupert Murdoch's
0:15:52 > 0:15:54been doing this week, anybody?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- He's been tweeting.- He has.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59He's gone back into Emperor Palpatine mode.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Absolutely.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04There's a News Corp shareholders meeting coming up,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07some of his critics are trying to organise a revolt, so he tweeted...
0:16:11 > 0:16:14That's business-speak for, "Piss off, the lot of you!"
0:16:15 > 0:16:18For the owner of The Wall Street Journal and The Times,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20he's a terrible writer, isn't he? Did you see the tweet?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22WILL: Oh, yeah, he's always kind of
0:16:22 > 0:16:25missing the gaps and can't spell properly.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28No apostrophes. He sounds a bit like a drunk teenage internet troll.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Rebekah Brooks' payoff from News International amounted to
0:16:33 > 0:16:34more than £7 million.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Although in the light of the forthcoming court case,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40she's asked for it to be paid in snout.
0:16:41 > 0:16:427 million quid.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Imagine what she'd have got if she'd actually been any good at her job.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50According to the Mirror, the Leveson Inquiry was not shown
0:16:50 > 0:16:53a number of e-mails between Rebekah Brooks and David Cameron, which were...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58So not included in the Leveson Inquiry,
0:16:58 > 0:17:04but very much at the centre of the ongoing Samantha Cameron Inquiry.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06It's taken a while for the story
0:17:06 > 0:17:09about the Brooks-Cameron e-mails to emerge.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12In fact, suspicions about the scale of the scandal were only aroused
0:17:12 > 0:17:15when Newsnight pulled an investigation into it.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Paul and Richard... - LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Thank you!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Not quite sure whether you're laughing
0:17:24 > 0:17:28or having some sort of digestive problem, but thank you.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Either way, it's very welcome.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Please feel free. You know, I love a burp and a fart when I'm...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- I do.- That's a good night out for you, isn't it?
0:17:38 > 0:17:42It is. I always like to say, better out than in.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45A bit like Simon Cowell in a lifeboat.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49APPLAUSE
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Paul and Richard, here's another for you.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Another one for us? Oh, lovely.
0:17:56 > 0:18:01Oh, yes, the American Presidential debates. Obama and Mitt Romney.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05That's Obama delivering pizzas to everyone, because he's a Communist.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07That's him being told to stand up straight.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09There he is, and his running mate, Paul Ryan.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11They're pointing at the sky.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I think Obama was judged to have done better this time round
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- than he did the first time. - He set himself quite a low bar.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Will was there. You saw it, didn't you?- I saw the second debate.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I can't watch the first one, because I heard that Obama was bad.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25It was like, "D'you want to watch a film of your dad being beaten up?"
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- It was like, no. - He's your dad?!- Yeah!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Romney was asked, "How are you going to give men and women equal pay?"
0:18:32 > 0:18:35And his answer was, "When I was Governor of Massachusetts,
0:18:35 > 0:18:38"I noticed there weren't any women in the cabinet,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41"so I said, 'Go get me some women!'
0:18:41 > 0:18:44"And people came back with binders full of women."
0:18:44 > 0:18:47It's like he thought, the best way to present myself
0:18:47 > 0:18:50as a candidate for President of the United States
0:18:50 > 0:18:52is to imply that I maybe kidnap women.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57He has an incredible history of saying the most incredibly stupid...
0:18:57 > 0:19:00A few months ago, he said, "I enjoy firing people.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03"I love making people unemployed."
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Why is it that all the people that run for President,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08there's always one that's a complete dodo? What's going on?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11And even the name, Mitt!
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Mitt! What sort of name is that?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15What's it short for, Mitthew? What is it?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- IN AMERICAN ACCENT:- "Well, Mr and Mrs Romney, you've got a new child.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22"What are you going to call it?" "We're going to call him Mitt!"
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Why?!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28He's been very consistent on gay marriage.
0:19:28 > 0:19:34As a Mormon, Mitt Romney believes that marriage is a sacred covenant
0:19:34 > 0:19:37between a man and no more than four women.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42No-one's mentioned the really big talking point
0:19:42 > 0:19:43in the election debate.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47It was the words that the President used to describe a fatal attack on
0:19:47 > 0:19:52- the American embassy in Libya. - He said he described it as an act of terror, and Romney said, "Did you?"
0:19:52 > 0:19:55He said, "Check the record,"
0:19:55 > 0:19:58and the moderator said, "He did say that,"
0:19:58 > 0:20:00and Obama said, "Can you say that louder, please?"
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- Do you know who the moderator was? - Er, it was...
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- Candy.- Candy. - I just know her by that.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07LAUGHTER
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Candy Crowley. Well done, indeed.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15And how did the Twatosphere react to this outrage?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19There was someone called K-Cera, from London. They commented...
0:20:23 > 0:20:27"..postmenopausal women..."
0:20:30 > 0:20:31I mean, NO!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Is that from Twitter? >
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- Yes.- Don't go to Twitter for rational commentary.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Go to Radio Five!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:44 > 0:20:48On your dial, just past the police messages!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Do you listen to Five Live? - No, of course they don't.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57No, you don't. You all listen to Radio Four, don't you?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00We never knew. We've never asked that poll before.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Put your hands up if you listen to Radio Four.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05PAUL LAUGHS
0:21:05 > 0:21:08This programme would be much cheaper on Radio Four, you know.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Keep it to yourselves.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14- Put your hands up if you listen to Radio Five Live. - Don't be ridiculous!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- Oh, there's a few.- At least eight.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Put your hand up if you've got something to do during the day.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22LAUGHTER
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Just checking.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Put your hands up if you've recently starred on BBC TWO wearing a funny hat.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33APPLAUSE
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Yeah, all right.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38As I suspected.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Well, Mitt's wife, very movingly,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42described their struggle with poverty
0:21:42 > 0:21:45as a young married Mormon couple.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Let me move on. How did a pizza chain outrage the pure,
0:22:04 > 0:22:09democratically spirited American people?
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Produced the Mitt Cheesy pizza? Cheesy Mitt?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17They had offered a free pizza for life
0:22:17 > 0:22:22to anyone at the election debates who would dare to ask the candidates
0:22:22 > 0:22:25if they preferred sausage or pepperoni.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I'd say that's the best way to judge anyone's character, isn't it?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Out of interest, Paul, Ian, sausage, pepperoni?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33If you just want to have pizza,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I think pepperoni on a pizza is extremely good.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39But if you're talking about the sausage on its own,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41then I think, yeah...
0:22:43 > 0:22:48Sorry, I just had flash of reality and thought was I was saying.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- No, I don't know.- No. Me neither. - And I don't care.- No, absolutely.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Let's see...- Saveloy used to be my favourite.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- On a pizza?- No, just as they are. - Yes.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01They bring back childhood memories.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06Mainly because I was brought up by a family of saveloys in Wolverhampton, lovely family.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08If one of them had said pepperoni... If Obama had said that,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11that'd have been spun as not being American enough.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14What would have been American is, if they'd said
0:23:14 > 0:23:16they liked a pizza on top of their pizza.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Would you like to see how Mitt Romney introduced
0:23:23 > 0:23:26his prospective Vice President Paul Ryan?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Join me in welcoming
0:23:28 > 0:23:31the next President of the United States - Paul Ryan!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35APPLAUSE
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Let's have a look at the man.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42All I can say is, I would break my foot before I tired
0:23:42 > 0:23:43of kicking that man in the balls.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Who won't be witnessing the US election at close quarters?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52President Kennedy.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- Gary McKinnon.- Absolutely.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02He was looking for UFOs primarily, wasn't he?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04He left a message on one hacked computer saying...
0:24:09 > 0:24:10And then added...
0:24:17 > 0:24:21The password to get into the high-ranking... Did you read this?
0:24:21 > 0:24:22It was "Password."
0:24:22 > 0:24:25It was "Password." They just kept the default setting!
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Is that a silly thing to do with all your...?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32This is the latest US presidential debate.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Romney defended his position on women's rights by saying
0:24:35 > 0:24:38that as Governor of Massachusetts, on his desk would be...
0:24:40 > 0:24:43..or, as Mormons call them, the wedding albums.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49The Times reminded its readers of the party symbols of the Republicans
0:24:49 > 0:24:53and the Democrats - the elephant and the donkey,
0:24:53 > 0:24:56representing both the weight and the intelligence
0:24:56 > 0:24:58of the average American voter.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02I'm sorry to America!
0:25:03 > 0:25:08OK, some foreign news for you now. Ian and Will, take a look at this.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15Foreign news! Certainly not yet, anyway.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Er, tossing the Cable, you just chuck him out!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Scotland!
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Well, you call it that, I call it that, but George Alagiah calls it...
0:25:26 > 0:25:28VOICE SQUEAKS: Scotland.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Would you like to see him calling it that again? I would.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36VOICE SQUEAKS: Scotland.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40WILL: Scotland's going to have a referendum on independence.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42It's like an old marriage where you're just saying,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"It's kind of OK, but I'm not going to find anyone else."
0:25:47 > 0:25:50It's a terrible idea. Everyone forgets,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Alex Salmond was a great friend and supporter of Sir Fred Goodwin.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56The two of them talked about Scotland's future
0:25:56 > 0:25:59as a financial centre. They were going to be the new Iceland!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04The referendum will be in...
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- 2014.- ..2014, on June 24th.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10It's the 700th anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15Or he might choose March 14th, to coincide with World Chip Day.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20And what will the ballot paper contain?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Just one question. In or out? So it's, "Do you want it or not?"
0:26:23 > 0:26:26That's right, because, according to the Mail...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32And that question is...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "You'll have had your tea?"
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Who will be able to vote in the election
0:26:37 > 0:26:39that wouldn't normally get the chance?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41It's going to be 16-year-olds,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43as that's a big fan base for Alex Salmond.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44That's right.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48There's 123,000 teenagers aged between 16 and 17,
0:26:48 > 0:26:52or, as they're known in Scotland, the middle aged.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I'm not going to Scotland again!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Ian, you're vaguely Scottish. Will you get a chance to vote?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01No, I think you have to be resident.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04That's right. On the electoral roll...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06which, in Scotland, is heavily buttered.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16I'll stop now. I know!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I'm going to be assassinated with a deep-fried Mars bar.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I like the sound of that, it sounds marvellous.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25He's arguing that Scots should be independent,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28apart from, apparently, they're going to have Sterling if he wins,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31which is rather peculiar, and he hasn't made it clear
0:27:31 > 0:27:33whether they're going to join the EU.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35So instead of being told what to do by London,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37they can be told what to do by Mrs Merkel,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39which is a form of independence.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43The Greeks aren't thrilled by it at the moment.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47In Scotland, terms have been agreed for the referendum on independence.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50If you're wondering how Alex Salmond managed to persuade David Cameron
0:27:50 > 0:27:53into agreeing to a referendum, the Daily Mail offered a clue.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01And there we were worried about Iran.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11- BUZZER - This is the man who we featured
0:28:11 > 0:28:13last week, who didn't do what he was meant to,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15but he did it this week and it was fantastic!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18He jumped out of his capsule, 23 miles above the Earth's surface.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22But the thing that was particularly impressive was his landing.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- He just sort of landed and just walked forward.- It was amazing.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28It was as if he just jumped off a wall five-feet high, or something.
0:28:28 > 0:28:33It could only have been better if he'd have landed in an open-top sports car and just zoomed off!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Just gone straightaway, or on the back of water skis.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39What happens when you travel faster than the speed of sound?
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Do you hear things that you've already said?
0:28:42 > 0:28:46Yeah, it's like watching a repeat of this programme.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Now, seven million people watched the jump on the internet.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53What happened when his parachute opened safely?
0:28:53 > 0:28:56- They all turned off. - Stopped watching.
0:28:56 > 0:29:01One million viewers worldwide stopped watching.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04The assumption being, they were waiting for him to plummet to his death.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Yes, he managed to break three records. Do you know what they were?
0:29:07 > 0:29:11- Maddest thing. - Fastest speed of a human being ever.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13The highest manned balloon flight,
0:29:13 > 0:29:15the highest altitude from which a man has free-fallen
0:29:15 > 0:29:17and the first supersonic freefall.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20- And quickest to get laid after. - That's right.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24Not to mention, the world's longest, "Wee-ee-ee-ee!"
0:29:24 > 0:29:26This is Felix Baumgartner,
0:29:26 > 0:29:28who jumped 24 miles from the edge of space,
0:29:28 > 0:29:31reached speeds of 833 miles an hour,
0:29:31 > 0:29:35and broke the sound barrier, before making a perfect landing.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38That, David Blaine, is a stunt!
0:29:38 > 0:29:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:46 > 0:29:49OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57BUZZER
0:29:57 > 0:30:01- Special pants to help you with your bedsores.- Well done.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05They are caused by just being in the same position
0:30:05 > 0:30:09for such a long time, so what nurses do is, they turn people manually.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12But obviously busy having sex with doctors a lot of the time and...
0:30:12 > 0:30:16So these underpants, you plug them in and you get an electric shock
0:30:16 > 0:30:19which sends you up, and you turn in mid-air and land on the other side?!
0:30:19 > 0:30:23There's somebody in a control room, "Give him 40,000! Argh!"
0:30:25 > 0:30:28- Or do they work walking down the street?- Sorry?
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Can you walk wearing them down the street? Can it have a radio control?
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Is it for women to control men?
0:30:34 > 0:30:36That sounds slightly paranoid of you.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39I think it's a good idea. Don't you think it's a good idea?
0:30:39 > 0:30:41To control men with electric underpants?
0:30:41 > 0:30:43I prefer just hitting them with a baseball bat.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46LAUGHTER
0:30:46 > 0:30:48The Smart-e-Pants are not the only
0:30:48 > 0:30:52technological clothing advance announced recently.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- What is this woman wearing? - Oh, I saw this.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56This is a thing where you can hug people via the...
0:30:56 > 0:30:59- Via Twitter, or something.- Facebook.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03But imagine the fun you could have with a pair of electric underpants.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07Never mind giving somebody a hug, 40,000 Volts!
0:31:07 > 0:31:10"You're late for work, you'll catch that bus! Agh!"
0:31:10 > 0:31:12These are called Like-A-Hug.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Wouldn't it be better
0:31:14 > 0:31:17if you went and saw the person and gave them a hug?
0:31:17 > 0:31:20What actually happens, according to the Mail, is that...
0:31:26 > 0:31:28- What the- BLEEP- does that mean?!
0:31:31 > 0:31:35But I suppose it does beat poking yourself.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39These are the new electric underpants for use in hospitals.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42I don't know much about the science of electricity and fluids,
0:31:42 > 0:31:44but I suspect there may be a problem
0:31:44 > 0:31:47giving these underpants to elderly patients.
0:31:47 > 0:31:51And to me as well, because you know what stress incontinence does.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Ahem! Pssh...
0:31:56 > 0:31:58Which means at the end of this round,
0:31:58 > 0:32:01it's Ian and Will with five and Paul and Richard with five.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Ooh...
0:32:03 > 0:32:06APPLAUSE
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:32:13 > 0:32:19Ian and Will, your four are Jesus, Rothko's Black On Maroon,
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Vladimir Putin and Richard III.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Richard III's just been dug up.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27Yep, his bones were apparently found in a car park.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Vladimir Putin knows where lots of people are buried.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32LAUGHTER
0:32:33 > 0:32:36The Rothko's been defaced.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39They've all been guests on Richard Bacon's show, erm...
0:32:39 > 0:32:42Oh, that Richard III interview was brilliant!
0:32:44 > 0:32:46"So, kingdom or horse?"
0:32:49 > 0:32:51It's about painting.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54There are no portraits of Vladimir Putain.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57- Putain?!- Putain!
0:32:57 > 0:33:00LAUGHTER He's French!
0:33:00 > 0:33:03I'm going to give you the first part. They've all been painted over.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05RICHARD: Oh, the Jesus image...
0:33:05 > 0:33:08WILL: Oh, that woman who did the touch-up? Oh, God.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10- Shall I tell you?- Yeah, go on.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14They've all been painted over, apart from Vladimir Putin,
0:33:14 > 0:33:16whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20And here we come to that lovely fresco of Jesus Christ,
0:33:20 > 0:33:23which was painted over by an enthusiastic amateur restorer
0:33:23 > 0:33:26in her local church in Spain. Let's have a look.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29'This is how Christ was depicted originally,
0:33:29 > 0:33:32'and this as he looks now,
0:33:32 > 0:33:34'after a DIY restoration...'
0:33:34 > 0:33:38King Richard III's portrait was painted over during the reign
0:33:38 > 0:33:40of the Tudors, and why has he been in the news recently?
0:33:40 > 0:33:43They found his remains under a car park in Leicester.
0:33:43 > 0:33:44That's right,
0:33:44 > 0:33:48so he's not just been painted over, he's been Tarmac'd over.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51They have all been painted over, apart from Vladimir Putin,
0:33:51 > 0:33:55whose portrait was burnt by Pussy Riot. One supporter of Pussy Riot
0:33:55 > 0:33:57is former World Chess Champion Gary Kasparov
0:33:57 > 0:34:00who, outside the court, was attacked by members
0:34:00 > 0:34:02of the Russian Orthodox Church.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05He found himself trapped in a corner by two bishops.
0:34:10 > 0:34:11One of Pussy Riot's songs
0:34:11 > 0:34:15urges Russian housewives to join the revolutionee... Oh, sorry.
0:34:15 > 0:34:19I'm getting tired now. I need my electric pants on!
0:34:19 > 0:34:23- One of... - BUZZER
0:34:23 > 0:34:26APPLAUSE
0:34:27 > 0:34:29One of Pussy Riot's songs
0:34:29 > 0:34:32urges Russian housewives to join the revolutionary struggle,
0:34:32 > 0:34:33with the lyrics...
0:34:38 > 0:34:41On behalf of casualty departments everywhere,
0:34:41 > 0:34:45I'd like to point out that is for women only.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49After his death, Richard III's...
0:34:49 > 0:34:52You must have had... Did you ever get people turning up...?
0:34:52 > 0:34:54What d'you mean, I must have had what?!
0:34:54 > 0:34:58People turning up with... Although you weren't in a general hospital,
0:34:58 > 0:35:01did you ever get people arriving with strange things inside them
0:35:01 > 0:35:03which they tried to explain away?
0:35:03 > 0:35:07Yes, the saddest one that we had was, erm, a woman arrived
0:35:07 > 0:35:11with the cap of a bottle of Brasso up her vagina
0:35:11 > 0:35:15because she thought that's the sort of contraceptive cap you needed...
0:35:15 > 0:35:17LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:35:17 > 0:35:21Had a nice shiny vagina, though.
0:35:22 > 0:35:23It's all right, that won't go out.
0:35:23 > 0:35:28- I think it will! - LAUGHTER
0:35:32 > 0:35:36After his death, Richard III's portrait was painted over.
0:35:36 > 0:35:37The skeleton of Richard III
0:35:37 > 0:35:41was found in a car park not far from Bosworth Field.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44Experts digging at the site thought it was just some rubble
0:35:44 > 0:35:45mixed with rags and animal remains,
0:35:45 > 0:35:49but it turned out to be Leicester City Centre.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54So I can't go to Scotland or Leicester now.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Paul and Richard, here are yours.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Lady Gaga, Pauline Prescott,
0:35:58 > 0:36:01Morrissey and Tiger Woods.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04This may have a meat theme.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06Lady Gaga wore a meat suit.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10- That's right, yes. - Morrissey won't allow meat,
0:36:10 > 0:36:12he will not perform at any venue
0:36:12 > 0:36:13that sells meat, I don't think.
0:36:13 > 0:36:18Yes, that's right. Somebody once told me a story, somebody who was
0:36:18 > 0:36:22promoting him at the time, back in the Smiths days, the early '80s,
0:36:22 > 0:36:25and the manager and promoter were talking in the office
0:36:25 > 0:36:26while the concert's going on
0:36:26 > 0:36:29and suddenly, Morrissey comes in, totally distraught,
0:36:29 > 0:36:32he can't talk, he can't speak. He's just white, in shock.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34Eventually, they get the story out of him.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Somebody threw a sausage at him.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41- A cooked sausage was thrown at Morrissey.- Did it hit him?
0:36:41 > 0:36:45It was near enough for him to be, sort of, interacting with it.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49So it probably is about meat. Lady Gaga...
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Morrissey, erm...
0:36:51 > 0:36:53Tiger Woods...
0:36:53 > 0:36:56treats waitresses like meat.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00And Pauline Prescott's husband looks like a glistening ham.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03I think the meat thing is clearly right,
0:37:03 > 0:37:07cos Lady Gaga and Morrissey, there must be a meat theme.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11- You can actually narrow that down to sausages.- Sausages, OK.
0:37:11 > 0:37:12So the Morrissey thing is correct.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Did Lady Gaga... It was made of bacon, her outfit,
0:37:15 > 0:37:17did it have sausages...?
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Well, let's say she wore a sausage in some way
0:37:20 > 0:37:22which we have not yet determined.
0:37:22 > 0:37:26I don't know, we say meat, but we can't go further than that,
0:37:26 > 0:37:30- unless you can think of any more? - No, no.- Take a wild guess, then.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34- OK, well...- The wild guess is that Pauline Prescott is the odd one out
0:37:34 > 0:37:36because everyone else has had sausage-related incidents
0:37:36 > 0:37:38happen to them on a daily basis.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40You're right, Pauline Prescott is the odd one out,
0:37:40 > 0:37:43but that's because all the other three
0:37:43 > 0:37:45have had a sausage thrown at them,
0:37:45 > 0:37:50except for Pauline Prescott, who was wooed by a string of sausages.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54That's no way to talk about John Prescott!
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Tiger Woods was recently hit by a hot dog
0:37:57 > 0:38:00while playing a round of golf.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02An eagle, a birdie and three bogeys
0:38:02 > 0:38:05were the main ingredients of that sausage.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07GROANING
0:38:07 > 0:38:09It's time now for the Missing Words round,
0:38:09 > 0:38:14which this week features as its guest publication The Mace-Bearer.
0:38:14 > 0:38:15And we start with...
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Is this, "It's a menage a six!"
0:38:22 > 0:38:25Is this "Vladimir Putain"?
0:38:25 > 0:38:30Isn't this the personal life of the French Prime Minister?
0:38:30 > 0:38:32- No.- Is it 50 Shades of Grey,
0:38:32 > 0:38:35- which they all find very tame?- No.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37- Do the French find it tame?- Yes.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Yeah, they call it 50 Shades of...
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Let me tell you, it was...
0:38:50 > 0:38:54According to the Daily Mail, French woman Solenne San Jose
0:38:54 > 0:38:58called the phone company to query the charge and was put on hold,
0:38:58 > 0:38:59thereby doubling the bill.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01So, next...
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Carrying a mace on your shoulder!
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Rather exciting, isn't it?
0:39:13 > 0:39:16This is news from the editor's wife, who writes, about her husband...
0:39:19 > 0:39:22Of course, it might not be Mace-bearer's shoulder.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27And, oh, finally. And finally...
0:39:34 > 0:39:36Is it HMS Endurance?
0:39:40 > 0:39:41No, the answer is...
0:39:44 > 0:39:46This, of course, is from The Mace-Bearer.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48The pot raised a smile with everyone,
0:39:48 > 0:39:52except the Greek Finance Minister, who looked at it enviously,
0:39:52 > 0:39:54as he doesn't have one to piss in.
0:39:56 > 0:40:00So, the final scores are - Ian and Will have six,
0:40:00 > 0:40:01but Paul and Richard have ten.
0:40:01 > 0:40:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:14 > 0:40:17But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Paul and Richard get this.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21Goldilocks - the search continues.
0:40:23 > 0:40:27And Ian and Will have that.
0:40:27 > 0:40:2950 Lampshades of Grey.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:32 > 0:40:34Terrible.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Ian Hislop and Will Smith, Paul Merton and Richard Bacon.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43And I leave you with news that in Central London,
0:40:43 > 0:40:46Boris Johnson brings a whole new meaning to the word "wiff-waff."
0:40:51 > 0:40:54Arriving at the White House to interview the Vice President,
0:40:54 > 0:40:58Piers Morgan is disappointed to be told that the Obamas aren't at home.
0:41:05 > 0:41:09And in Idaho, there's a surprise for one young supporter
0:41:09 > 0:41:12as Mitt Romney agrees to show her the new tattoo he's had done
0:41:12 > 0:41:14of his opponent's face.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Good night.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE