0:00:02 > 0:00:05So, Conrad, you have seen this show before? You know what it entails?
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- I think so, yes. - OK, well, I salute your balls.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:00:13 > 0:00:17I will give you the opportunity to do just that if you want.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18LAUGHTER
0:00:18 > 0:00:20APPLAUSE
0:00:20 > 0:00:22And who says prison doesn't work?!
0:00:22 > 0:00:24LAUGHTER
0:00:49 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11after an impassioned speech denying that the Conservatives
0:01:11 > 0:01:12are the party of privilege,
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Ken Clarke makes his way back to the Commons.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:18 > 0:01:21As he and his staff are forced to relocate
0:01:21 > 0:01:22and rent a small office in Peckham,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25there's evidence former Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell
0:01:25 > 0:01:27has yet to lose his sense of self-importance.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29INAUDIBLE
0:01:29 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:33And at Washington airport,
0:01:33 > 0:01:37there's a security alert after some idiot leaves a bag unattended.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:46With Ian tonight is a writer and presenter
0:01:46 > 0:01:49whose engagement to comedian David Mitchell was announced in The Times.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Old-fashioned, but it only got there
0:01:50 > 0:01:53because a News International journalist hacked her phone.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Please welcome Victoria Coren!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:03And with Paul is a former owner of The Daily Telegraph,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06who was imprisoned for three and a half years for fraud.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08He's also described Rupert Murdoch as a psychopath.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10So, he's not all bad, then!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Please welcome Conrad, Lord Black of Crossharbour!
0:02:12 > 0:02:16APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:20And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Paul and Conrad, please take a look at this.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh, badgers, yes, this is badgers.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26They've called off the cull of badgers.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Brian May may have been responsible.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31And George Osborne is going to be culled instead, apparently.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32LAUGHTER
0:02:32 > 0:02:34This is the badger cull that's not going to happen
0:02:34 > 0:02:37because there was too many police involved in the Olympics,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39they can't be involved in the cull.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41There's more badgers than there should be,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43so they think the cull's not going to work.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Some of the badgers have started employing barn owls as bouncers.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50So it's going to be postponed till next year, I think.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52But I thought that some of these badgers,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54since they couldn't be culled,
0:02:54 > 0:02:57were being employed as auxiliaries to go from door to door,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00bothering people and pestering them with messages on their collars,
0:03:00 > 0:03:02urging them to subscribe to The Times.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Yes, I've heard that as well!
0:03:08 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:11What was the police's role to be?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14They were meant to protect the farmers against protesters,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16who didn't want the badgers to be culled.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- That's right. - What's weird is that they said
0:03:18 > 0:03:22they had to cull them because there were too many and they were dangerous...
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Now there's too many to cull.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Now there's too many, which suggests that they're about to take over.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32We know from literature that these are wise creatures, knowledgeable...
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Yes, but like the Daleks can't go upstairs,
0:03:34 > 0:03:38badgers don't come out in daylight, so they're going to have to...
0:03:38 > 0:03:40It'll have to be a night-time coup if they are going to
0:03:40 > 0:03:42take over the country.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44And why are the badgers being culled? What are they accused of?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Erm, the Great Train Robbery was one thing.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Well, it's for spreading TB to cattle.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53We don't know if they do that or not, but that's the belief.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56They're accused of spreading TB, some would say unfairly accused.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- They're innocent before proven. - Unfairly accused.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Oh, don't you hate it when that happens!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05LAUGHTER
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I believe you said, on another matter,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- "If this is justice, I'm a banana." - I did!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Yeah, well, you know, the badgers may be...
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- They may be bananas yet.- Exactly.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19So who has been lobbying on behalf of badgers?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Brian May!- That's right.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23We've got a picture of Brian here, from some years ago
0:04:23 > 0:04:26and...now.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Now I'm guessing, sometime between those two photographs,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31there was a phase when he was a bit badgery himself.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33LAUGHTER
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Why are there so many? Is it that they don't have natural predators?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38And they no longer consort with rats or moles.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40LAUGHTER
0:04:40 > 0:04:421992, they were made a protected species,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45so there are no natural predators, apart from Jeremy Clarkson.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:51- One answer could be to introduce something like a puma.- Yeah.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54"Puma, this is some badgers. Badgers, here's the puma."
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- There could be a vaccine. - There could be.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58What are the problems with the vaccine?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00They won't always keep their appointments.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04The boom in badgers has had an effect on hedgehogs.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05There are now very few.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Hedgehogs are now being edged towards...
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- endangered species. - Do badgers eat hedgehogs?
0:05:10 > 0:05:11- Very carefully.- Do they?
0:05:11 > 0:05:12LAUGHTER
0:05:12 > 0:05:16They come with their own toothpicks, so it's not all bad, is it?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18That was quite a good joke, that, is this on?
0:05:18 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- The Minister for Badgers, we have one...- Owen Paterson.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Owen Paterson, yeah, The Guardian asked him
0:05:24 > 0:05:28if he was concerned about the public opinion being against the cull.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Anyone see what he replied to that?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33"I don't care, I'm a bloodthirsty lunatic.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36"Badgers first, next it's Methodists!"
0:05:36 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:40He said...
0:05:40 > 0:05:42There we are! Yeah, exactly.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Sound advice there for anyone thinking of pissing themselves.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Is there seriously... There's a Minister for Badgers?
0:05:49 > 0:05:53There's not been a story about badgers in my lifetime before.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56What's this person been doing for the last...24 years?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58LAUGHTER
0:05:58 > 0:06:00No, but what do they do the rest of the time?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- He's Minister for Environment. - Oh, OK.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Yeah, he's just got the job - he's like a lot of the Tory cabinet,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09he's feeling his way into disaster slowly.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER
0:06:10 > 0:06:11In other news,
0:06:11 > 0:06:15how was George Osborne dragged back into the class war this week?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Oh, yes, about this time a week ago, was it?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19He was travelling on a train
0:06:19 > 0:06:21but only had a standard-class ticket for first class,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24and then there's conflicting accounts as to what happened next.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Yes, there was a journalist in the same...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28The same carriage, not in the first-class bit,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- but she took a picture and put it on Twitter.- Yes.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Have you been around for Twitter? Did you miss Twitter?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Well, I missed that Twitter, but I'm aware of the phenomenon.- Oh, OK.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Anything you're not up to speed on, you just...
0:06:40 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:44No, I...
0:06:44 > 0:06:47George Osborne doesn't seem terribly warm.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51I didn't think it would be easy to feel sympathetic towards him,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54but it is really hard to get the right train ticket.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Haven't we all been on a train and told, "You can't sit there,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01"you've done the wrong thing, you have to be wearing a hat for that"?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- That would let the Chancellor off, wouldn't it?- Hmm.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I don't mind that he doesn't know which ticket to buy,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- it's just that he doesn't know which franchise to award to who.- Yes.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:13APPLAUSE
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Alexander, when Mr Disraeli was the Chancellor,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- didn't he have his own train?- Mm-hm.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- It would stop anywhere he wanted. - Yeah, well...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Well, as long as it was on a railway line, I mean...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28But is this progress, in this country,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31for the Chancellor to go from a private train
0:07:31 > 0:07:34down to being condemned for having a first-class ticket?
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Yes, it is.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36LAUGHTER
0:07:36 > 0:07:38But you are allowed to buy a ticket.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41You can get on a train without any ticket and buy when the man comes.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Some trains, if you buy it on the train,
0:07:43 > 0:07:46it costs more than if you bought it in advance at the station.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49And sometimes if you say, "Can I buy a ticket on the train?"
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- they say, "No, you can pay a fine..."- Oh, really?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54"..because you should not have boarded without a ticket."
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- A groan of agreement here. - LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- A number of known fare dodgers. - LAUGHTER
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Who was with George Osborne at the time?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06His assistant, who he blamed.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- That's government for you. - HE MOUTHS
0:08:08 > 0:08:10She has a lovely name, Poppy Mitchell-Rose.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Here there are, there's the happy... happy couple.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16VICTORIA: Oh, that, I'd forgotten that, they were watching a DVD.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Oh, that's what annoyed me.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21I was sympathetic about the ticket, but - "You can't read a book?!"
0:08:21 > 0:08:23It might be a mirror.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24LAUGHTER
0:08:27 > 0:08:28APPLAUSE
0:08:28 > 0:08:30It keeps him entertained for hours!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33A fellow passenger - who spoke to the Daily Mail...
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Not necessary, it could have been
0:08:42 > 0:08:44a documentary about poor people. Yeah.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Oh, yes!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- So what happened in the end? - The upgrade was paid.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50That's right, out of George's own pocket.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Sidney and Beatrice Webb, the founders of the Fabian Society,
0:08:54 > 0:08:58always travelled first class, because they found the poor people
0:08:58 > 0:09:01noisy and irritating and interrupted their concentration.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02LAUGHTER
0:09:02 > 0:09:04That's...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Are you suggesting that's a good or a bad thing?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I suspect they were correct. LAUGHTER
0:09:11 > 0:09:15So this is what you call a charm offensive, is it?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER
0:09:17 > 0:09:22So Osborne ended up coughing up £189.90.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Still, as The Guardian helpfully pointed out...
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- Cor!- I think I read, in Vanity Fair, that you said despite everything
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- you are still worth about 80 million, is that right?- No.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I had said that I'd lost 80% of my money
0:09:37 > 0:09:40fighting this oppression from the United States Government,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43so they said, "That leaves you with 80 million..."
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Did they invade you? I must have missed this!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49I said I thought I could live on 80 million, if that was what I had.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Yeah, well, that's the spirit, chin up!
0:09:50 > 0:09:54When Osborne's train arrived in London, which it did,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56as we saw, there was a pack of journalists waiting.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59George was anxious to clear everything up, obviously.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01According to The Guardian, he told the media -
0:10:05 > 0:10:09He's got form, though, Osborne... Sorry, that's insensitive, sorry.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12He's done this before.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14He was allegedly caught doing the same thing in May this year.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16The Sunday Times reported...
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I would stick to "I'm sure it will be, um," in the future.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26It's all right for them to sit in first class, then?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28You still call it a great office of state, you know.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Can't he travel first class?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- We are in the middle of this austerity thing.- Yes.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Did you have that?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- No, Canada's rich.- But we're trying
0:10:38 > 0:10:40to foster a spirit of all being in it together.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44So any sort of class distinction at the moment is very, very sensitive.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Which is why he introduced you as Mr Black.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48You are Conrad, Lord Black of Crossharbour.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Is that how you introduced me?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I'm still wondering what I should call you now, though.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Your Crossharbourness.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Alexander.- OK.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01No, that's my name, that would be confusing.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Also this week, what has David Cameron been saying about criminals?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Um... Conrad.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:16 > 0:11:19That in this great United Kingdom,
0:11:19 > 0:11:24those officially so designated may actually have broken the law.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29And that this is a departure from some transatlantic customs.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32He didn't really make a decision that innocent people
0:11:32 > 0:11:34should not go to jail, did he, this week?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Does this require the truth, Alexander?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I know you're not used to that, Conrad.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- Not used to hearing it, certainly. - Oh, really?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46What about from the jury?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Nine acquittals and they sort of ran out of steam.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55But the Supreme Court made up for it unanimously...
0:11:55 > 0:11:57No, you didn't run out of steam, you ran into jail.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01They found you guilty, didn't they, Conrad, the jury?
0:12:01 > 0:12:06Er, nine acquittals, complemented by a unanimous
0:12:06 > 0:12:09vacation of the four guilty verdicts by the Supreme Court of the US.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12But two stuck - one for fraud and one for obstruction of justice.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh, Ian, please, please.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18"Oh, stop reciting the verdict as though it was true."
0:12:18 > 0:12:21A little respect for due process, Ian.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- No, I'm...- You are a banana!
0:12:23 > 0:12:24I DO respect it.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31I am not a banana, all I am saying is that you were found
0:12:31 > 0:12:34guilty on two counts, which stood, you went to jail,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38you have come back... You would like to be rehabilitated?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40No, no, I have been rehabilitated
0:12:40 > 0:12:43and I'm proud to have been cleared by the Supreme Court.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- You weren't cleared! - And I've come here...
0:12:46 > 0:12:48You've come to say you're innocent. Sweet, but not true.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:54 > 0:12:58- What did we discover MPs have been up to this week?- More expenses.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- Mm-hm?- Was there one about prisoners voting?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Did somebody get a point for that, or is that not the answer?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- I think we've done enough about prisons for a while.- Oh, it's...
0:13:08 > 0:13:11They are renting out houses and buying other houses
0:13:11 > 0:13:13and buying people to live in houses
0:13:13 > 0:13:15and selling the people to the other...
0:13:15 > 0:13:19They've found an ingenious loophole.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Isn't one of them sharing a flat with another MP and renting out hers,
0:13:22 > 0:13:26then the MP that's renting a room to her is claiming something on that?
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Yeah. That's exactly right, yes.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29That is the connection between Labour MP
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Iain McKenzie and Labour MP Linda Riordan.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Why aren't they all in prison?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Well, two of them on the expenses fiddle are in the House of Lords
0:13:39 > 0:13:42and it's awfully hard to get rid of people...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44with a record... from the House of Lords.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Lord Archer?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52APPLAUSE
0:13:53 > 0:13:56We... We embrace him as a fellow author.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Can I ask you a question?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03When you were in prison, were you a really important figure?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Were you the sort of Harry Grout of the jail?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09It was like Camp New Moon,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I enjoyed every moment of it. And I only came out
0:14:11 > 0:14:13when the Supreme Court released me,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16in order to come back here and try and help enlighten you with
0:14:16 > 0:14:20this crisis you're having with the badgers.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Incidentally, Linda Riordan is the MP for Halifax.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Not sure if that's the town or the building society.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30So, what is she going to do now, just to round this off?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Is she going to resign?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36No, according to the Telegraph...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I bet she did. And then she was going to sell it.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45She told the Telegraph she took the decision...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It would be really nice
0:14:52 > 0:14:54if people provided transparency BEFORE they were rumbled,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56rather than after.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Can I just go back to something? Camp New Moon?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- Is that what you said?- I did, yes.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Camp New Moon? And then you came out?
0:15:08 > 0:15:09I must...
0:15:09 > 0:15:15I must say how moved I am at the relief that is clear tonight,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19throughout the room, at the fact that I did indeed come out.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23I had not been in this country for seven years and I am really
0:15:23 > 0:15:27quite affected by this tremendous solicitude
0:15:27 > 0:15:29for the fact that I did leave.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41My wife, who has also enjoyed, as I have, tremendously sympathetic
0:15:41 > 0:15:44treatment in the British media over the last few years...
0:15:44 > 0:15:46But you did own a big chunk of it
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- and you weren't awfully sympathetic to other people, were you?- I was.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- I was deeply sympathetic, even to you, Ian.- You weren't.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57- Not at all.- Oh, Ian, what rubbish! Your nose is growing.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I was a very...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01MY nose is growing?! God.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05The "Black" calling the kettle a crook. God...
0:16:11 > 0:16:14This is the last-minute reprieve for Britain's badgers,
0:16:14 > 0:16:15who can now breathe easy.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Apart from the thousands who've got TB.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Meanwhile, George Osborne was in trouble after being caught
0:16:25 > 0:16:28in a first-class train seat with a standard-class ticket.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30In fairness, he had tried to sit in the quiet carriage
0:16:30 > 0:16:33but was asked to leave on account of all the booing.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- APPLAUSE - Good joke.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43According to the Mirror, when he arrived at Euston...
0:16:45 > 0:16:48But unfortunately, the train had stopped.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Also this week, Trenton Oldfield, the protester who jumped into
0:16:53 > 0:16:57the Thames to disrupt this year's Boat Race, was sent to jail.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00He almost collided with the Oxford crew, but avoided the cox.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Good luck doing that in prison.
0:17:02 > 0:17:07Now, Ian and Victoria, take a look at this.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Oh, good, things are going to cheer up now, aren't they?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I'm worried about this, because I think I am the only person
0:17:13 > 0:17:18in Britain that thinks the BBC were right not to put on that Newsnight.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20You might say, "Why did they cover it up?
0:17:20 > 0:17:24"Now it's come out, there doesn't seem to have been much of a fuss."
0:17:24 > 0:17:27But I genuinely can understand how,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30if you were in charge of an organisation like that
0:17:30 > 0:17:33and somebody had just died, you wouldn't necessarily think it was
0:17:33 > 0:17:36right to air a programme saying they were a child molester.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37You should be careful what you say
0:17:37 > 0:17:40about people who are not there to defend themselves.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42It was a difficult decision. They would've had a hard time
0:17:42 > 0:17:45if they had put it on. They didn't, and they're getting a hard time.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- That's certainly novel. - I'm glad so many of you agree.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50APPLAUSE
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I totally agree that we should be looking at the managers
0:17:52 > 0:17:55of the hospitals who gave him a room and whatever,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57but the BBC employed him for 50 years.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59They cracked him up, they did nothing about what he did.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00It must be remedied.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03You cannot say, "Oh, it's unfair on the BBC."
0:18:03 > 0:18:04That's why the Director-General
0:18:04 > 0:18:06is in front of a Parliamentary Select Committee,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09the whole thing is about, was it pulled
0:18:09 > 0:18:12because the BBC thought, "We can't disrupt our Christmas schedule,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16"we can't piss on our own 50-year parade of 'isn't Jimmy a great guy?'
0:18:16 > 0:18:19"by putting out a programme that's saying,
0:18:19 > 0:18:21" 'actually, he wasn't - look at this.' "
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Were you hoping our answer would be funnier than this?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- SQUEAKS:- Yes.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34How was the new Director-General, George Entwistle, grilled this week?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38The members of the Cultural Select Committee had a go at him.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41They said he was, I think, like a suit with no-one in it.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43The Sun described him as...
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Again, one doesn't want to sit here and be accused of defending
0:18:49 > 0:18:52the BBC, because the BBC has a lot to answer for.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54But one of the high points of the select committee
0:18:54 > 0:18:57was when George Entwistle said, "I don't remember, I don't recall,
0:18:57 > 0:19:01"I'm not sure," and someone said, "You sound like James Murdoch."
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Quite a good joke.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Not in The Sun.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12George Entwistle, as I understand, has just taken on the job recently.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You've got to salute the chap - is it Thompson? -
0:19:14 > 0:19:15who was in the job before.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18He's like the person who sells his house just before a motorway
0:19:18 > 0:19:21goes through the garden.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24And this poor Mr Entwistle, straight in.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Poor Mr Entwistle was in charge of television
0:19:27 > 0:19:29when the Newsnight programme was pulled.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32He told MPs that the BBC is a great organisation
0:19:32 > 0:19:34because only a great organisation
0:19:34 > 0:19:35would allow one of its own programmes
0:19:35 > 0:19:37to tell everyone how rubbish it is.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Well, that is true, there was a very good Panorama about Newsnight.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44And then, next week, there's a Newsnight about Panorama.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48This idea that changing the schedules is a big deal -
0:19:48 > 0:19:49no, it isn't.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Dad's Army, and again. And then another one.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56The one where Pike says... You know, with the Italian commander.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58- Paul, help me out.- German.- German.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Played by Philip Madoc, who was a Welshman.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05"Your name will go in my book. What is it?"
0:20:05 > 0:20:06"Don't tell him, Pike." "Pike."
0:20:08 > 0:20:10The other thing about Dad's Army is that Arthur Lowe,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12who played Captain Mainwaring, had it written
0:20:12 > 0:20:15into his contract that he couldn't appear without wearing any trousers.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18So if there was a scene which needed him to have no trousers, he wouldn't do it.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Quite right. Which makes him unique at the BBC in the '70s.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Exactly, yes. Absolutely.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Did you see how uncooperative Jeremy Paxman was this week?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Have a look at this.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Mr Paxman, have you got any comments about the Newsnight investigation?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33No. Have you?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40He's very aggressive, isn't he, Lord Cross?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- I found him very cooperative. - Really?- Oh, yes.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Let's have a quick look at you on Paxman.- Sure.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Let me tell you something,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I am proud of having gone through the terribly difficult
0:20:50 > 0:20:54process of being falsely charged, falsely convicted, and ultimately
0:20:54 > 0:20:59almost completely vindicated, without losing my mind, becoming irrational,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02ceasing to be a penitent and reasonable person,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05and actually being able to endure a discussion like this
0:21:05 > 0:21:07without getting up and smashing your face in,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10which is what most people would do if they had been through what I have.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- Well, you go ahead. No-one's stopping you.- No, I wouldn't...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Does that feel good?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Er, not as good as doing it.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27No, I like Jeremy, he's just... He's just...an asshole. That's all.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34It's unbelievable that you get away with that, really.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36A man asking you questions about being a fraudster
0:21:36 > 0:21:38and you just say, "He's an asshole."
0:21:38 > 0:21:42So, moving on, which other much-loved and respected
0:21:42 > 0:21:45TV entertainer's reputation may be tarnished by a new investigation?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Pudsey.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56- It's Piers Morgan, isn't it? - What is the story?- Well...
0:21:57 > 0:22:01It looked for a while as though only News International were going
0:22:01 > 0:22:04to get blamed for phone hacking. But now, would you believe it,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07someone has taken a civil action against the Mirror Group!
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Four people.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13And the editor at the time of the trouble was Piers Morgan.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Who...is innocent.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22He has repeatedly denied having anything to do with phone hacking.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Yes, though amusingly,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27most of the evidence comes from his own autobiography.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- What does Jeremy Paxman have to say about Piers?- Tell us.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34He told the Leveson enquiry that over a lunch at the Mirror in 2002,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Piers Morgan explained that Paxman would be a fool
0:22:36 > 0:22:39not to have his own security setting on his mobile voicemail.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Piers Morgan laughed this off and he says
0:22:49 > 0:22:50he can't remember any of the details.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53He has a very patchy memory. In the Daily Mail,
0:22:53 > 0:22:54he said of Jimmy Savile...
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Yet, in an extract from Piers' book,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00also printed in the Daily Mail in 2009, he said...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13What do you think of Piers Morgan, Conrad?
0:23:13 > 0:23:18- He wanted desperately to come and visit me in prison.- Did he?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21And I told the warden I would be happy to receive him.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25But then, I'm afraid, he kind of bottled out.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Do you suppose he was afraid that once admitted in,
0:23:27 > 0:23:29he wouldn't be allowed out?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Yes, this is
0:23:31 > 0:23:34the embarrassingly inept handling of the Jimmy Savile scandal,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37which has caused the public to lose all trust in the BBC.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38One Newsnight source has suggested that
0:23:38 > 0:23:41the reason the Savile investigation was dropped
0:23:41 > 0:23:43was that the BBC Head of News, Helen Boaden...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Here is Helen Boaden.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Hang on, sorry, before we are accused of another BBC cover-up -
0:23:49 > 0:23:51whoa, there we go.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Now, until this week, that was her most uncomfortable moment.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06- BUZZER - Paul?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Well, it's a 3D printer. - That's exactly right, yes.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Isn't that called a teleporter? Can you feed yourself in one end...
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- And come out the other end?- Yeah.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17What would be the point in doing that?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20You're still in the same room, you've just gone through a machine.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- We can see one in action, here we go.- Go on, then.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26So, what is this, is it plastic or something? My God.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31- And does it always have to look like that thing?- Yes.- Technology for you.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- Does anyone know how it works?- Yeah.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35You press a button and it comes out of the other end.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Nobody knows. Nobody knows.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- Nobody knows?!- No-one knows.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42How did it get there in the first place?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45"Look at this machine, you press a button and a house comes out."
0:24:45 > 0:24:47"How does that work?" "Nobody knows."
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I'm not sure anyone has tried to explain it,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53because it's veiled in secrecy.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- Science?- Yes. Various people have tried to have a go at explaining it.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Some say it's like an MRI scan.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Others say it's like making a multilayered sandwich.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05But here is the Independent's science correspondent's attempt.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- What things can you create with it?- Is that a vase?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15According to the Independent...
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- What?!- How would you make a gun?!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25You might press the wrong button all afternoon
0:25:25 > 0:25:28and get hundreds of prosthetic legs. "I've got hundreds of these things,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31"I've got to go out and hit people over the head with them, I've not got a single gun."
0:25:31 > 0:25:34What else have scientists discovered this week?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38They can go to prison if they don't adequately predict when an earthquake will happen.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42The Italian government is trying to put scientists in jail for failing to predict the earthquake.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Can you imagine? Michael Fish would be in the slammer!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48He'd still be there!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50This is to do with beluga whales.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52There's a beluga whale, they think...
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Was it mimicking human speech?
0:25:56 > 0:26:00A marine biologist diver thought he heard a whale telling him to get out of the water.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02"Get out the water! Get out the water!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05"It's hard to keep these alight under here, I tell you."
0:26:05 > 0:26:09He set up a programme of sound recordings of the whales and analysed them.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Do you want to hear the whale doing an impression of a human? Yes, please.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16KAZOO-LIKE WHALE SONG
0:26:21 > 0:26:23That sounds like a hell of a party!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Yes, this is the arrival of a new gadget in our homes, the 3D printer.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Using this technology,
0:26:30 > 0:26:33the University of Washington has proposed...
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Or, as laymen like you or I would call it, a shop.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Fingers on buzzers.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- BUZZER - Paul and Conrad.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Well, it's Obama and Donald Trump.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Has he said something about the President this week?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57He accused him of being a blowhard.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00And the President demonstrated that he could scarcely move
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Donald's wig, you see.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06It's not a wig, though is it?
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Who would buy a wig that looked like that?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12You'd want your money back, wouldn't you?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Is Donald Trump one of those people who believe that the President
0:27:15 > 0:27:16wasn't born in an American state?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Exactly. He's a birther. He believes Obama
0:27:18 > 0:27:21was born in Kenya, hence ineligible for the job of President.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Despite him having shown everyone his birth certificate,
0:27:24 > 0:27:25and him being the President.
0:27:25 > 0:27:30One commentator described Donald Trump as a "bloviating ignoramus".
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Conrad, do you know Donald Trump?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34He's a loyal friend
0:27:34 > 0:27:37and after what I have been put to in the last nine years,
0:27:37 > 0:27:41I attach a great premium to that and I think Donald is a very fine man.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44But I admit, he's an acquired taste.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49What did he promise earlier this week, Donald Trump?
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Didn't he make a bet about the birth certificate?
0:27:52 > 0:27:53He said he'd had a revelation
0:27:53 > 0:27:56that could possibly change the result of the election.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59What do people think that his revelation was going to be, but never was?
0:27:59 > 0:28:03They thought he would have a different certificate, or have some evidence.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07A tweet from a respected businessman who has been on TV with Trump, Douglas Cass, said...
0:28:14 > 0:28:18And amazingly, millions of Americans believed a man who talks to a gnome.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24I like the idea that you could pay to see records from politicians.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28I would pay £100 to see George Osborne's O-level maths paper.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34You could do it as a sort of telethon.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36I love the way Donald Trump can say,
0:28:36 > 0:28:41"I want it to be shown to my satisfaction."
0:28:41 > 0:28:44You think, no, he's the President, you're a man with stupid hair.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48What did some wags at The Guardian do in response to Trump's offer?
0:28:48 > 0:28:52- Dunno.- But I bet it was hilarious. - They rang his office
0:28:52 > 0:28:55and asked for Trump's college and passport records.
0:28:55 > 0:28:56The paper was accused of...
0:28:59 > 0:29:00On the subject of people
0:29:00 > 0:29:04with questionable hair trying to have a say in American politics - who else has waded in?
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- Is it Wayne Rooney?- It is, yeah.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Wayne Rooney tweeted...
0:29:13 > 0:29:17Is that because Obama's elderly grandmother lives in the UK, I wonder?
0:29:20 > 0:29:24According to seasoned political commentators - The Sun...
0:29:29 > 0:29:33Also, Wayne's tweet was said to be a...
0:29:33 > 0:29:36..by Piers Morgan.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38Yes, this is Donald Trump's continued obsession
0:29:38 > 0:29:42with obtaining details of Barack Obama's birth and early life.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46I'm sure they'll be on the internet somewhere, why not just ask that Gary McKinnon to have a root around.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Wayne Rooney stayed up late to watch all three of the presidential
0:29:49 > 0:29:52debates, so must have turned up tired for training.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54I'm sure Sir Alex Ferguson was delighted.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58"You know the rules - CBeebies for an hour, one prostitute, then bed."
0:30:00 > 0:30:04Time now for the odd-one-out round. Ian and Victoria, your four are...
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Orson Welles, Dawn French,
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Conrad Black and Antony Worrall Thompson.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13VICTORIA: Is Antony Worrall Thompson ever not the odd man out?
0:30:13 > 0:30:15- Is it fancy dress?- Mm-hm?
0:30:15 > 0:30:18There's definitely a picture of Conrad Black dressed...
0:30:18 > 0:30:20- Is it Cardinal Richelieu? - It is. Was it?
0:30:20 > 0:30:23You must have been so sorry you wore that costume.
0:30:23 > 0:30:28It was the only one left at Angels. And it wasn't Richelieu, by the way.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31I was just an ordinary cardinal, and my wife didn't even have a costume,
0:30:31 > 0:30:37she put a lot of petticoats under something she had and came as a barmaid.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Shall we have a quick look at the pair of you?
0:30:39 > 0:30:42When you say your wife didn't have a costume...
0:30:45 > 0:30:47- So, who's the odd one out? - Orson Welles appeared
0:30:47 > 0:30:51as Cardinal Richelieu in a film. Dawn French has appeared as a vicar.
0:30:51 > 0:30:52So she's the odd one out,
0:30:52 > 0:30:56because the others have all appeared as a cardinal in some shape or form.
0:30:56 > 0:30:57Spot on. That is right.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04Orson Welles in the 1966 film version of A Man For All Seasons,
0:31:04 > 0:31:06he played the part of Cardinal Wolsey.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Can anyone else think of another role Orson Welles
0:31:08 > 0:31:11played in his career?
0:31:11 > 0:31:13- Citizen Kane.- Citizen Kane.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17Yes, played Charles Foster Kane, a power-crazed multimillionaire newspaper tycoon,
0:31:17 > 0:31:21who faces a humiliating demise on account of his own greed.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Not humiliating, no, not humiliating.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Antony Worrall Thompson, he's dressed as a cardinal to mark
0:31:29 > 0:31:32the launch of the national Save the Cauliflower campaign,
0:31:32 > 0:31:33which at least explains why
0:31:33 > 0:31:37he necked all that Cheddar. He just loves cauliflower cheese.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Why is he dressed as a cardinal?
0:31:40 > 0:31:43He couldn't get a cauliflower costume.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47Yes, they have all dressed as a cardinal, except Dawn French, who dressed as a vicar.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50At the end of every episode, the Vicar of Dibley told a joke
0:31:50 > 0:31:52to her friend Alice, who never, ever laughed.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56Though to be fair to Alice, by the end of Vicar of Dibley, she wasn't alone.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00Here is Antony Worrall Thompson, dressed as a cardinal.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03If you think he looks embarrassed there, imagine how he felt
0:32:03 > 0:32:06when they took that hat off and found an Edam.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Here is Conrad dressed as a cardinal.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14On his way to becoming Pope Innocent the Not.
0:32:14 > 0:32:19Talking to Newsnight, Conrad tried to dismiss his ostentatious choice of outfit, saying...
0:32:21 > 0:32:26He just said that again, on this programme! Why credit Newsnight?
0:32:26 > 0:32:28Talking to this programme, Conrad tried to
0:32:28 > 0:32:32dismiss his ostentatious choice of outfit, saying...
0:32:34 > 0:32:40Actually, that is absolutely true, I got in just before you and nabbed the convict's outfit.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43Paul and Conrad, here are yours.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Andrew Mitchell MP,
0:32:45 > 0:32:46the Dalai Lama,
0:32:46 > 0:32:47Thomas Bowdler
0:32:47 > 0:32:50and Jacob Rees-Mogg MP.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Thomas Bowdler, he produced what he thought were
0:32:53 > 0:32:56improved versions of Shakespeare plays.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59Andrew Mitchell, of course, is the "pleb" man. Erm...er...
0:32:59 > 0:33:03They all amended speeches, is that the clue?
0:33:03 > 0:33:05I think it's about swearing.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08Jacob Rees-Mogg was on something recently...
0:33:08 > 0:33:12How dare you spread rumours! He's not even dead!
0:33:12 > 0:33:15- I don't know what the odd one out would be.- Andrew Mitchell.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18They've all admitted to swearing, apart from him.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21Andrew Mitchell is the odd one out.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24But they all abhor bad language, apart from Andrew Mitchell,
0:33:24 > 0:33:27who said he swore, then said he didn't swear, then said he swore.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29So, yes, the dreary "Plebgate" fiasco finally came to a close.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32It's always sad seeing such a likeable
0:33:32 > 0:33:34and humble public figure fall from grace.
0:33:40 > 0:33:45- The Dalai Lama, why is he up there? - He believes he once swore, in 1046.
0:33:45 > 0:33:51- No, he was accused of speaking in a very un-Dalai-Lama-y way.- Really?
0:33:51 > 0:33:56Yes, addressing Brown University. What was he accused of saying?
0:33:56 > 0:33:59- Not sure.- No?
0:33:59 > 0:34:00The Dalai Lama was saying "forget",
0:34:00 > 0:34:02but the stenographer transcribed that as...
0:34:06 > 0:34:09To be fair, he has done this before, with the same word as well.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12Let's have a look at this, this is him speaking in Vancouver.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14I think we should fuh-get
0:34:14 > 0:34:19about our feeling... Our religious sorrow.
0:34:19 > 0:34:23That is only...differences, and also, you see...
0:34:23 > 0:34:24fuh-get...
0:34:24 > 0:34:26CHEERING AND WHOOPING
0:34:28 > 0:34:36- And fuh-get.- No, no. I mean forget. You see, the different races...
0:34:41 > 0:34:45You see, he's so unsweary, he doesn't even know why they're making a noise.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48You think? I think he knows perfectly well.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50- You think he's hamming it up? - I think he is.- For laughs.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52According to one biography, Thomas Bowdler,
0:34:52 > 0:34:56the man who removed all references of sex from Shakespeare's plays...
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Or as he put it, near Bath.
0:34:59 > 0:35:04Jacob Rees-Mogg this week, the Conservative MP told Newsnight...
0:35:04 > 0:35:05You would have never sworn
0:35:05 > 0:35:08to a police officer in that manner, would you, Jacob Rees-Mogg?
0:35:08 > 0:35:12Miss Maitlis, I don't think I've ever sworn in my adult life.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15Which is obviously complete bollocks.
0:35:16 > 0:35:20This is him, speaking to Andrew Neil, who asked him,
0:35:20 > 0:35:21what class are you?
0:35:21 > 0:35:25Well, I'm certainly not part of the aristocracy. That's definitely true.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28- So, we'll settle for upper-middle? - I'm a man of the people.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Vox populi, vox dei.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35So, yes, they all abhor bad language,
0:35:35 > 0:35:38apart from Andrew Mitchell, who said he swore,
0:35:38 > 0:35:40then said he didn't swear, then said he swore.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43According to the Sunday Times, since the scandal...
0:35:43 > 0:35:47Of course he has. Every time he sees a policeman, he cycles away like a man possessed.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51Andrew Mitchell's outburst came after refusing to
0:35:51 > 0:35:53dismount from his bike when told to by police.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56"He gives all of us cyclists a bad name," said Lance Armstrong.
0:36:03 > 0:36:07Time now for the missing word round, which this week features as its guest publication...
0:36:12 > 0:36:14And we start with...
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Yorkshire housewife.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Monkey.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23- Absolutely right, yes, mum from Bradford.- Yes.
0:36:30 > 0:36:31According to The Sun...
0:36:39 > 0:36:43A parrot?! Those monkeys were robbed.
0:36:43 > 0:36:44Next...
0:36:46 > 0:36:48Heterosexual anthem.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53I think I'm going to give you that, yes.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56- I just made that up! - This is the insistence...
0:36:56 > 0:36:58This is the insistence from the Village People
0:36:58 > 0:37:01that their song, YMCA, is not gay. According to The Times...
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Not sure that's something you'd want to celebrate, is it?
0:37:17 > 0:37:19"I've had a tattoo."
0:37:19 > 0:37:23Absolutely nearly right. She says tattoos are better than Botox.
0:37:23 > 0:37:24Felicity Kendal revealed this
0:37:24 > 0:37:26in an interview with Piers Morgan,
0:37:26 > 0:37:29although the interview I'm really looking forward to is the one
0:37:29 > 0:37:34where Piers Morgan chats to the Metropolitan Police about hacking at the Mirror.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45Oh, this is all so awkward!
0:37:45 > 0:37:48- You do it.- The more the merrier.
0:37:50 > 0:37:51The more employees.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55According to Edition 13, fraud costs the UK...
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Although according to Edition 15 of Fraud Focus...
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Hmm, someone's been cooking the books.
0:38:11 > 0:38:12CONRAD: Shred their papers.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Advised to step aside.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Conrad is probably the nearest.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20According to the National Fraud Authority,
0:38:20 > 0:38:23the greatest risk of data theft is personal information
0:38:23 > 0:38:25given by women shopping for clothes online.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28Luckily, none of the information is accurate.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Burkas.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42I'd like to see that picture, wouldn't you?
0:38:42 > 0:38:48Fancy dress party, they both go as...burkas...er...
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Licence plates, they've got similar licence plates for their cars.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54That's right. Here is John Bercow's numberplate.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56So, yes, he has a personalised plate.
0:38:56 > 0:39:00As soon as he changes his name to John B13rco.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07Mobile phone.
0:39:07 > 0:39:08You're absolutely right.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10According to his insurers,
0:39:10 > 0:39:13a farmer claimed for a new phone after he lost his iPhone
0:39:13 > 0:39:17whilst trying to use it as a torch to look up the rear of a cow.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21Was there nothing on the telly that night?
0:39:22 > 0:39:25Sad thing was, he was only looking up there for his... Oh, balls!
0:39:25 > 0:39:29He was looking up there for his balls?
0:39:30 > 0:39:34You've got an idea about animal husbandry which you should keep to yourself.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37Sad thing was, he was only looking up there to find his iPad.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Next...
0:39:43 > 0:39:44Myopia in squirrels.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47No...
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Yes, according to Fraud Focus, Stephen Fry helpfully
0:39:53 > 0:39:57retweeted a message from the National Fraud Authority,
0:39:57 > 0:39:59which led to an increase in fraud awareness.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03Although I think his intention may have been increasing Stephen Fry awareness.
0:40:03 > 0:40:04And lastly...
0:40:04 > 0:40:07VICTORIA: Left into driveway.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10Is it food into meal?
0:40:16 > 0:40:18The most popular smoothies in Britain are Innocent.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21As are all of our panellists tonight.
0:40:26 > 0:40:27So, the final scores are
0:40:27 > 0:40:31Ian and Victoria have 5, and Paul and Conrad have 10.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33APPLAUSE
0:40:38 > 0:40:43But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46VICTORIA: BBC cover-up reaches new low.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:52 > 0:40:55Ian Hislop and Victoria Coren, Paul Merton and Conrad Black.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58I leave you with news that in Texas, there is a worrying moment for Lance Armstrong
0:40:58 > 0:41:02when his dog accidentally swallows the contents of his medical bag.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09In Shepherd's Bush, BBC executives undergo a training exercise
0:41:09 > 0:41:11on how to react to bad news.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18And after a stressful few weeks,
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Andrew Mitchell finally gets time to trim his front hedge.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Goodnight.