0:00:04 > 0:00:08Contains some strong language.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Good evening! Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jeremy Clarkson.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44In the news this week, in Aleppo,
0:00:44 > 0:00:48the Syrian remake of Fawlty Towers gets off to a difficult start.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52LAUGHTER
0:00:54 > 0:00:57In a last-ditch attempt to patch things up with his brother,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Ed Miliband asked David round for a dip in the pool.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04GROANS
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And there's an embarrassing moment at a London soup kitchen
0:01:10 > 0:01:13when staff are told to feed anyone who looks like a tramp.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:21With Ian tonight is the Arts Editor of the BBC,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24who recently described Strictly Come Dancing as the gold standard
0:01:24 > 0:01:28of television art, as it reintroduced
0:01:28 > 0:01:31a massive audience to the idea of self-expression through movement.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35I think he and I are going to get along really well.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Please welcome Will Gompertz.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And with Paul is a Canadian whose surreal comedy
0:01:47 > 0:01:51was recently described as making Salvador Dali
0:01:51 > 0:01:53look about as abstract as Constable.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56If only we had some poncy art critic on
0:01:56 > 0:02:00who could explain what that meant. Please welcome Tony Law.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03APPLAUSE
0:02:07 > 0:02:10And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Paul and Tony, take a look at this.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Yes. Clearly America, clearly New York.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20This huge storm, Hurricane Sandy, has hit.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22There's President Obama looking presidential.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- There's Mitt Romney looking made of tin!- Yes.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28There's Donald Trump,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31who probably caused the storm in some way due to his evilness.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35The storm has blown so hard it's altered that man's genetic make-up.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- He is now partly horse. - Yes, pretty much.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Yes, this is obviously the disruption of New York
0:02:42 > 0:02:44by apparently some of the worst weather ever seen.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- You called it a hurricane.- Yes. It's not a hurricane, is it?
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- Technically, though, what was it? - Wasn't it a cyclone?- No, cyclones,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I think, are Pacific-based. Hurricanes are Atlantic-based. As soon as the winds
0:02:54 > 0:02:58drop below a certain speed... I'm starting to sound like a weatherman.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- LAUGHTER - I just wondered if you knew what you were talking about.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Obviously the storm had a number of consequences -
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I mean, many deaths, but apart from that.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Glossing over that, as indeed the news has done,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13what else has it done?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16It got me chucked off the news, which is really boring.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20I'd made this fantastic package and then the guy comes in and says,
0:03:20 > 0:03:22"I'm afraid we have to take you off because of Hurricane Sandy,"
0:03:22 > 0:03:25and I said, "Fair enough. Obviously it's going to be epic."
0:03:25 > 0:03:26This is so shocking
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I expect your report will go out on ITV in three weeks time.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34- It was very good, Ian. - You could have tailored it.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37That's what the Express did. They brought arts into it.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38They said the storm had:
0:03:41 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- Would you like to see some of the damage it did?- Yes.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Now, I don't want to be boring, but that in the back,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54that's a Dodge Durango, I think, Dodge Challenger in the middle,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Jeep Grand Cherokee on the right.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00So total there is about three and a half dollars.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Do you think that the news channels
0:04:04 > 0:04:07were upset that the storm was as bad as it was predicted?
0:04:07 > 0:04:11It was very odd listening to the news, because the news was,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13"There's this terrific storm, whatever it is,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15"about to hit America. What will it do to the election?"
0:04:15 > 0:04:19And you thought, well, what will it do to the people?
0:04:19 > 0:04:23The first thing they kept saying was, "Obama's got to look presidential.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26"He's got to appear presidential." But what does that mean?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Like, I mean, if you go, "Aaaah! There's a storm coming!
0:04:30 > 0:04:34"We're all going to die!" That would be unpresidential. Just not do that.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- That, and holding people's head under the water.- Yeah.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Don't do that. It's funny, yes, but...
0:04:42 > 0:04:44President Obama, right?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- Why has he been arriving everywhere with pizza?- Has he?- Yeah, he has.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Hello, everybody, hello, hello! I brought some food!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54INDISTINCT
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Why does he think they need pizza?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- He's practising for two weeks' time. - If he loses his job.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:06It does give, does it not, the news channels the opportunity
0:05:06 > 0:05:10to run their annual competition to see which reporter can stand in the stupidest place in bad weather.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13This is always my favourite thing in bad weather.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17I think in third place, up to his knees in water.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Second place, man, bit breezy there.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22But for me, the winner is this chap.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Look at the water actually just pouring over the sea wall now.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33APPLAUSE
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Obviously, any American story like this has to come to Britain.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42The Daily Mail online, OK, yesterday, said:
0:05:47 > 0:05:49And here comes the photo they ran.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Actually, Will, while you're here. You're BBC News team.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Is there are an edict that goes out to reporters when they go to America
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- they stop talking English? - You've got to stop talking English,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03and wear North Face jackets. It's a rule.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05They don't talk about power cuts, but power outages.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I mean, when you go to France, you don't go,
0:06:07 > 0:06:12- "Bonjour, et bienvenue en Paris," do you?- I don't, no.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15It's a nonsense. That wasn't in my notes, I just made it up.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18It didn't sound that well researched.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Did you hear how occasional New York resident Joan Collins
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- reacted to the storm? - She said, "Oh, isn't it annoying
0:06:27 > 0:06:30"because you can't shop at Bloomingdale's."
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- Something like that. - Absolutely right.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Joanie, you daft bat.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Alexa Chung, are you familiar with her?- Alexa Chung?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- She was in Charlie's Angels. - LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:52- It says here, helpfully, "the model off the telly."- Oh, right.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55She revealed that all she had in her kitchen cupboard was:
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Or as models call it, Christmas dinner.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04She could have hunkered down for a month.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- LAUGHTER - Tony, you're Canadian, yes?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Born there, but I've lived here my entire adult life.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- You're still a Canadian.- OK.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16You never lose it.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Are you not jealous of countries where something actually happens?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Cos I mean, one of the things you notice about Breeze Sandy...
0:07:22 > 0:07:27- When it got to Canada, it just laid off.- We stopped covering it.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Canadians just went, "It's all right, we'll get through.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33"Better than winter." LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Obviously we were talking about
0:07:36 > 0:07:38the effect it had on the presidential election.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42What's been the big dairy-related boost for Obama this week?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- Cows are voting for him?- Who knows?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Nobody knows what they think, do they?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50The mystery of the cow, you never know what's going on in their head.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53No. His head has been sculpted out of butter
0:07:53 > 0:07:57and has been carried around the streets of Chicago in a fridge.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- Let's have a look.- There he is.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Yeah, well, it's better than I might have hoped for.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10The reason why this has been handed around Chicago in a fridge?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Absolutely no idea.- Well, it would melt if you put it outside.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- Yeah, or if you took it to Florida. - Brilliant!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20It's not just arts you can do, it's science!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Is it too early to see a Father Christmas made out of cheese?
0:08:23 > 0:08:24ALL: Never too early!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Oh, God.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33This is Super Storm Sandy, which hit America's East Coast this week.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34According to the Daily Mail:
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Or to put it another way, not quite as fast as a Toyota Prius.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- I always thought it was Pree-us. - That's cos you're foreign.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- As indeed is the car. - It's actually Canadian,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56the batteries. Well, the nickel.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Which is then shipped all the way on an oil-burning ship to Norway
0:09:00 > 0:09:02where it's turned into batteries and shipped all the way to Japan,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05where it's turned into the car, then it's shipped back to Britain
0:09:05 > 0:09:08where morons who think they're saving the planet buy it.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:11APPLAUSE
0:09:11 > 0:09:15So, Ian and Will, take a look at this.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Trees. Not doing very well.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Ash trees? End of an ash. Mark of death.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Windfarms.- Heseltine.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I think he was doing a joke about how the Labour Party
0:09:27 > 0:09:29goes "left left left left left."
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Do you think that's what John Major is laughing at?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34He's got secrets all of his own.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- This is power, isn't it? - It's power. Wind.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- And how ugly it is. - It was many things,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45but in amongst it all there was the news of yet another
0:09:45 > 0:09:47government U-turn, one which leaves anyone
0:09:47 > 0:09:49who installed one of those ridiculous windmilly things
0:09:49 > 0:09:52on their houses looking foolish. No names mentioned.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Dave.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- Cameron, in case you were wondering which Dave.- Yeah.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Well, we don't all live in the same village as him.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03APPLAUSE
0:10:04 > 0:10:07There has been a government U-turn.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09There's been a government U-turn... We're not sure, really.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13The Minister for Energy said, "We don't want any more
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"of these onshore turbines, we're going to stop,"
0:10:15 > 0:10:19and then the Prime Minister said there's been no change of policy.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22That's always a clue, it means there has been.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Or there will be, but no-one's told him.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29So we're fairly unsure whether wind is good or bad. Boo.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32I think they should take an aesthetic approach to this.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36I think that power stations have a certain beauty to them, don't you?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I think wind farms are pig ugly.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42And should be banned on that reason alone.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46You could make those wind turbines look good beautiful if you just
0:10:46 > 0:10:50imagine that they're giant invisible World War II fighter aircraft.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Then they don't look so bad.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57So if you're going for, say, a Hurricane, it's...
0:10:57 > 0:10:58IMITATES ENGINE
0:10:58 > 0:11:01But if you're doing a Spitfire it's more...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03IMITATES HIGHER PITCH ENGINE
0:11:03 > 0:11:08- It revved at a much higher... You know that.- That's bloody good!
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Maybe you could stand on top of the wind turbines to give more...
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Or we could pre-record it, that would be easier.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- LAUGHTER - Oooh!
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Can you remember the name of the man who made the announcement
0:11:21 > 0:11:23about the wind farms not coming when they are?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- Is this Davey?- No. He's called John Hayes. Picture of him here.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30SILENCE
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Doesn't really help, does it? Anyway.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34He looks nice, though. I trust him.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39But he's saying what you want to hear, no more windfarms.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I couldn't give a damn.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Well, that's cleared that policy up, then.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48What happened the day after
0:11:48 > 0:11:51he made his momentous and probably quite correct...?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Prime minister contradicted him. - Wasn't it Ed Davey that contradicted him?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57His boss contradicted him. Never heard of him either.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00He's banned him from issuing any further statements and...
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Bye-bye, John.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Right, let's move on to ash trees, if we may.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12What is the official name
0:12:12 > 0:12:15of the disease that's troubling them so much?
0:12:15 > 0:12:20- It's called dieback.- No, that's what he's got on his head!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23No, no. The official name is not dieback. It is:
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Which is Latin for "a bunch of trees are dying".
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Actually, she sits next to my daughter at school.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34LAUGHTER
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Anyway, how did the Mail cover the story of this terrible...?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I haven't read it, but I'm guessing it was something like, "Denmark!
0:12:41 > 0:12:46"Bloody Danes! Killing our trees! God, I hate Danes."
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Hey, Danes, do they make a car?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52They do, but I can't remember what. It's unpronounceable.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55It's probably made of bacon. Rubbish Danes.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- We're talking about the Mail here. You need to spread it out more.- OK.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03- It started in Poland, didn't it? - I think it was Poland. But anyway.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05It's throughout Europe now.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09They didn't bother finding out, on the Mail. OK. They had:
0:13:27 > 0:13:30On the shoes of an asylum seeker.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33They didn't actually say that last bit, I was just...
0:13:33 > 0:13:35LAUGHTER
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Anyway, you saw Heseltine. Why's he back?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Heseltine was asked by the government to produce a report.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43And they hoped he would produce a very long and boring report that
0:13:43 > 0:13:47they wouldn't have to implement, which is exactly what he's done.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50So it's a big success for the government.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53He's produced 89 proposals, you can guess how many of those
0:13:53 > 0:13:55will be used. None.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59He's called for enterprise, growth, more localism -
0:13:59 > 0:14:01a series of policies that the present government
0:14:01 > 0:14:03has already rejected.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07So Osborne said he welcomed Mr Heseltine's contribution,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09it's really kind of him to produce a report...
0:14:09 > 0:14:14And we'll see him another year. So it's called No Stone Unturned.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19Sounds like a new album by the popular beat combo...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21LAUGHTER
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- Rolling Stones?- Rolling Stones, that's what they're called.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- Yeah, yeah. - You're absolutely right, of course.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31On the subject of George Osborne, OK, I'd like you to watch
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- a piece of film, if I may. - Yes, OK.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And what does the man say when Osborne enters the room, OK?
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Listen carefully.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Tosser. LAUGHTER
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Is there an explanation for that?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- Another half of that word that we didn't hear?- No.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52We've been watching it all day long and he just says "tosser".
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Are you sure he doesn't say
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- "Chancellor?"- Well he might say "Chancellor", but he doesn't.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Can we look again?- Yes, sure.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Tosser. LAUGHTER
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Let's get a policeman in and see if he said "pleb".
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Someone else has been using the T word this week. Who?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13The head of the UK Tosser Board, who's been trying
0:15:13 > 0:15:17to make their contribution to society better known to people?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Absolutely. Let's have a look.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25- Tory scum!- Scum!- Scum! Boo! - Lefty tossers.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Tory BLEEP!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28You don't know anything about people in this country,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- how dare you represent them? - Just cos you're in a fancy suit.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36I like how she ran out of stuff to say and was like, "Boo!"
0:15:36 > 0:15:37I really do like the idea
0:15:37 > 0:15:41that she accuses Boris of wearing a fancy suit.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Anyway, that was the news that in a few years
0:15:44 > 0:15:48windfarms may soon be rarer than ash trees. The Daily Mail...
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- Have they read any other papers this week?- No, I'm here.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- OK.- Attack, attack, attack!
0:15:55 > 0:15:58The Daily Mail hit full panic mode, demanding:
0:16:02 > 0:16:05If the Daily Mail is that worried about the senseless destruction
0:16:05 > 0:16:07of trees, they could always close down their newspaper.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11The ash fungus is just one of many diseases
0:16:11 > 0:16:14affecting Britain's woodlands. According to The Times:
0:16:18 > 0:16:22That's even more of a threat to them than George Michael's driving!
0:16:22 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:27So, at the end of that round, it is two points each.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29APPLAUSE
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- LAUGHTER - And so, it's on to round two,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46and the Steering Wheel Of News.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Here's the first spin.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53BUZZER
0:16:53 > 0:16:55That Berlusconi, I think, isn't it? Upside down.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57It is indeed Silvio Berlusconi.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Yes. He's been found guilty of various things,
0:16:59 > 0:17:03but the way the Italian legal system works, he'll never go to prison
0:17:03 > 0:17:06because he'll just appeal and the appeals will go on for ever.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09But they haven't got him on sex. They've got him on tax.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13And also if you run for government, you're immune.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15No, he was immune as long as he was in power.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19As long as you're called Berlusconi,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21you're technically innocent of all crimes.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Particularly involving belly dancers called Divine Ruby.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Divine Ruby? You dragged that up from somewhere.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31- What does that mean to you? - It's Ruby the Heart Stealer.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33That's who was at the bunga-bunga party.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Look, I was there, for God's sake!
0:17:35 > 0:17:39He invited a lot of people over, I went over.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45Tessa Jowell's husband, me, we were all there.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47They were very good parties.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52You've basically covered it all.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Well, Ian's covered more than I have.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57And people say why don't we have a ridiculous politician
0:17:57 > 0:18:00with a funny sex life called Boris? I mean...
0:18:00 > 0:18:03The Mirror report said:
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Much like one of the former editors, really.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- Is that libellous?- Nah.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It's true, isn't it? So it's not.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Anyway.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Berlusconi said he would not stand as the centre-right candidate
0:18:23 > 0:18:25in next year's general election:
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Which differ slightly from his remarks when he left office:
0:18:34 > 0:18:39So if he doesn't come back, who is stepping up to the mark,
0:18:39 > 0:18:42and likely to take over the centre-right party?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Lady Mussolini. - Alexandra, or something.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- A young lady fascist Mussolini. - Would you like to see a photo?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- I would.- Yes.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52There's Italian politics for you.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55It is Alessandra Mussolini.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Her grandfather, he was hung from a lamppost.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01She looks like she's standing underneath one.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:04 > 0:19:08She's certainly got Berlusconi's knack for diplomatic language.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10She's known to argue:
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Wasn't that a Simon and Garfunkel song?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22What good news has happened in Greece this week?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24The Greek editor who revealed
0:19:24 > 0:19:26the name of the top tax evaders... It was given
0:19:26 > 0:19:29by the IMF to the Greek government, they said
0:19:29 > 0:19:32"Those are the people avoiding tax in your country, do something."
0:19:32 > 0:19:34And the government said, "yeah, of course we will."
0:19:34 > 0:19:37And then just hid the list. This editor printed the list.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39And they were going to prosecute him
0:19:39 > 0:19:41for invading privacy of these people,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43cos it is a private matter if you don't want to pay tax.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Why should you?
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Anyway, they were going to bang him up, and they haven't.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51He's got off! And hats off to Greek journalism.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53And Greek law, actually, now.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55And Greek law. And boo to Starbucks.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57APPLAUSE
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- Yeah.- It's like being on Question Time. Only I've got this here.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04This is the news that Silvio Berlusconi
0:20:04 > 0:20:09has been found guilty of fraud and sentenced to be banga-bangad up.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Berlusconi is a once-powerful media magnate
0:20:12 > 0:20:15sentenced to prison for fraud,
0:20:15 > 0:20:19who insists on his innocence despite all evidence to the contrary.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23So the big question is, next week, will he be on Ian's team or Paul's?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28If he does go to prison, Berlusconi may well find the walls
0:20:28 > 0:20:32of his cell decorated with salacious pictures of topless models.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Or as he knows them, cabinet ministers.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Right, here is the next spin.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42BELL
0:20:42 > 0:20:44That's a waxwork.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Is it? Of?- Somebody.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- Is it somebody from Thunderbirds? - It's Mussolini, isn't it?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- The point is, it's so bad you don't know who it's of.- Ah!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55And it's a visitor attraction somewhere in England,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58and it's not doing very well. Which is extraordinary, because
0:20:58 > 0:21:00if you go to Madame Tussaud's,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03you have no idea who the waxworks are of there.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04- It's absolute rubbish!- Yes?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06You walk in and someone says, "It's the Queen!"
0:21:06 > 0:21:10You think it's Margaret Thatcher. Someone says, "No, it's my mother!"
0:21:10 > 0:21:13They're not very likely to put your mother in Tussaud's, are they?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- I would not be surprised, actually. - It is Mussolini, though, isn't it?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19It is the world's worst wax museum,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22The Louis Tussaud House Of Wax in Great Yarmouth.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25It's facing closure. Shall we have a look at some of their other work?
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- First of all, who is this? - Michael Jackson, obviously.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31No, it isn't. That's Edwina Currie!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Paul, you are right. Next one.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35LAUGHTER
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- Is that Ian Botham? - Oh, you are on fire!
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- I am startled by your ability to do this.- I'm startled myself, actually.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Next.- TONY: It is a hybrid.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49It is Fergie and Margaret Thatcher.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51WILL: It's actually my mother.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Actually, you are right. That's Sarah Ferguson.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Right, next one.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Prince Charles. - No, that's Saddam Hussein.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Who is that?
0:21:59 > 0:22:04TONY: That is just the dude at reception...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06or Daley Thompson.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07It is, actually, Daley Thompson.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11I resent the premise of this. They clearly know who these people are!
0:22:11 > 0:22:16You might get William Pitt the Younger in a minute. Just wait.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- There is actually one of you, Will. - Neil Kinnock!
0:22:19 > 0:22:22They have one more politician, actually. They have Ed Balls.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Here he is.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26LAUGHTER
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Except that isn't Ed Balls, is it? - TONY: It's Hitler.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32No, it isn't. It's Ed Balls during Movember.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35I do want to make it absolutely plain,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Ed Balls would never dress up in a Nazi costume.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I want to clear that up.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Oh, no, wait, there he is dressed up in a Nazi costume.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45So, with so many great exhibits,
0:22:45 > 0:22:49why is this remarkable place facing closure?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I bet it isn't after this show!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Much better than going to the National Portrait Gallery,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56all that competence on display.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00What excuse does the proprietor offer
0:23:00 > 0:23:03to those who struggle to recognise the faces?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- We do not know.- He says:
0:23:11 > 0:23:14It is the same reason James May and Richard Hammond present Top Gear.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I'm making it up!
0:23:17 > 0:23:18According to BBC News...
0:23:22 > 0:23:24..to explain to baffled visitors
0:23:24 > 0:23:26who the hell all the exhibits are meant to be.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30One review of the waxwork museum in Great Yarmouth said:
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Which, coincidentally,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37is the motto of the Great Yarmouth Tourist Authority.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Which means, at the end of this round,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41it is Ian and Will with three
0:23:41 > 0:23:44and Paul and Tony with three as well.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46APPLAUSE
0:23:46 > 0:23:51So got no points for our magnificent knowledge of waxworks!
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Paul and Tony.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Tony Blair's interns, Adele's knickers,
0:23:59 > 0:24:04Paul McCartney and six seconds of Richard Herman's time.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Right, I don't know who Richard Herman is.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11He's the man who all those people who ring you up cold calling saying,
0:24:11 > 0:24:16"Can we help you with your claim for Payment Protection Insurance?"
0:24:16 > 0:24:18He rang them back, said, "Stop ringing me up."
0:24:18 > 0:24:21and he billed them for wasting his time.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22And they paid up.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Do you know how he managed to prove they had been talking to him?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27He recorded the conversations.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Yes, because he works for a telephone recording company
0:24:30 > 0:24:32which changed their minds.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Doesn't Adele buy her knickers from Primark for a quid each?
0:24:36 > 0:24:40I don't know, I haven't asked her, but looking at them...
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Is it charging per minute?- No.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45So are you saying Adele charges per minute?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48You're on the right lines with cost.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52To get Paul McCartney to sing Hey Jude at a Christmas party...
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- £1.- Is £1.- It isn't.
0:24:54 > 0:24:59- £1!- It SO isn't! - He won't do it for less than a crate of Guinness, I tell you that much.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00WILL: McCartney charged £1
0:25:00 > 0:25:04for singing at the Opening Ceremony, didn't he?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Oh, well done!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- Tony Blair's intern is the odd one out. They're paid nothing.- Yes.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13They all cost £1 except Tony Blair's interns, who work for free.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16A politics graduate was offered
0:25:16 > 0:25:20an internship in Tony's office, but he was rejected when he said
0:25:20 > 0:25:23he could only afford to work for free four days a week.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- He wanted a fifth day to be paid. - Oh, to earn money.- Tony said no.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Just to go back to Adele's knickers for a minute,
0:25:30 > 0:25:34I bet she just says that to seem more earthy and down.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"Oh, I only pay £1 for my knickers." There is no way.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38She is the highest-grossing musician in the world.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42WILL: Look at them. They are clearly £1-worth of pants. No more.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Will, that is the third time you have asked for that picture back.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49TONY: Those are probably made out of some sort of pink gold.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53"Oh, I just bought them.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55"No, they're just normal."
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Bullshit!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Paul McCartney was, as you correctly said, paid £1
0:26:02 > 0:26:06to perform for the Opening Ceremony of the London Olympics.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Which other rock star did officials
0:26:07 > 0:26:10embarrassingly try to book for the Closing Ceremony?
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Keith Moon.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Hmm. Why was that, specifically, embarrassing?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- He died in 1977.- '78.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- '78, was it?- Didn't you find the Opening Ceremony was wonderful,
0:26:21 > 0:26:26showing the world what amazing music this country has produced
0:26:26 > 0:26:29and everyone felt, rightfully, very proud.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32But then the Closing Ceremony,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35that seemed a bit more like, say, Legends Nightclub.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- Is Legends still going?- Probably.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- Yeah.- Legends, yah?- Or Secrets!
0:26:42 > 0:26:43I went there with Berlusconi.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Adele's knickers cost just £1. Even better value in women's fashion
0:26:49 > 0:26:51was announced this week.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54You can now buy a 99p Christmas dress.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- Here it is. - Is that its actual size?
0:26:58 > 0:27:02What does the success of the 99p dress tell us about Christmas,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05according to the online suppliers.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08It's nearly here. It's very exciting. Christmas!
0:27:10 > 0:27:15- Is that a preview of your new Christmas single?!- It is!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- You and Berlusconi walking through a winter wonderland!- Yeah! We do!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I hope it's true!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24According to the online suppliers, it tells us that...
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- Peace and goodwill can go- BLEEP - themselves.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34According to the Mail, Adele's James Bond theme for Skyfall
0:27:34 > 0:27:36has rocketed to the top of the charts...
0:27:39 > 0:27:41There's a Bond film out? No!
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Paul McCartney was paid £1 to sing at the Olympics Opening Ceremony,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50which works out at 50p for each note sung in tune.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Ian and Will. Ted Heath's house, Paul Davison,
0:27:57 > 0:28:01candidate for the Hull police commissioner elections,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03David Icke and Gordon Brown.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Can we have another four, please?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08That's your lot, I'm afraid.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Edward Heath's house was going to be turned into a museum
0:28:11 > 0:28:14but then it couldn't be because they didn't have enough money.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17This commissioner is going as an opposition candidate
0:28:17 > 0:28:19against Prescott.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21As for David Icke, well, he's nuts.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Although he's doing very well.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Go to Wembley and he's talking there and you can't get in.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30People are buying his DVDs and books, just like you, Jeremy.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31You should get to go with him.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35I performed in Sweden last week and in a 9,000-seater stadium
0:28:35 > 0:28:378,000 people came dressed as seats.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41- Gordon Brown.- What is he doing now?
0:28:41 > 0:28:44- I think he's just cross.- Still?
0:28:44 > 0:28:47I'll have to put you out of my misery.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49They've all suffered from a poor turnout...
0:28:49 > 0:28:52- Not David Icke...- ..apart from David Icke.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56He drew a 6,000 crowd to his recent conspiracies lecture at Wembley.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00Does anyone know Icke's central theory on
0:29:00 > 0:29:02how the world is run?
0:29:02 > 0:29:06People like the Royal Family, for example,
0:29:06 > 0:29:08are lizards, reptiles from another planet.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Basically, aliens have invaded and we don't know.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Isn't that Mormonism?
0:29:14 > 0:29:18You're right. We're run and controlled by
0:29:18 > 0:29:20a group of reptilian humanoids.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24- They're called the... - The they-don't-exist-atons.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Yes, the Babylonian Brotherhood. You're quite right.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Oh, this is terrific(!)
0:29:29 > 0:29:32This brotherhood includes...
0:29:39 > 0:29:41That would be a band I'd pay to go and see.
0:29:41 > 0:29:46What did His Ickeness think of the Olympic Opening Ceremony?
0:29:46 > 0:29:49This was a ritual. It was a secret ritual for
0:29:49 > 0:29:51the reptiles to renew themselves into everlasting life.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02It wasn't half an hour of stand-up, this was an 11-hour gig.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05What's even more interesting than the 11 hours
0:30:05 > 0:30:08you correctly say he spoke for, he did so without notes.
0:30:08 > 0:30:1111 hours without notes.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14He talked bollocks for 11 hours - we can all do that.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Paul Davison, who is standing for the upcoming
0:30:16 > 0:30:19police commissioner election in Humberside,
0:30:19 > 0:30:22was left embarrassed this week when only four people
0:30:22 > 0:30:24turned up for a public meeting.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27According to The Independent, out of the four people in attendance...
0:30:30 > 0:30:32It gets worse, I'm afraid.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34It's particularly embarrassing for Mr Davison because...
0:30:39 > 0:30:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:45 > 0:30:48Let's move it on to Mr Davison's rival, John Prescott.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50He attended the...
0:30:52 > 0:30:53..at Hull Kung Fu.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57What did the legendary swordsman do in the interval?
0:30:57 > 0:31:03- Did he do kung fu?- No, he did something even more embarrassing.
0:31:03 > 0:31:04- Would you like to have a look?- Yes.
0:31:18 > 0:31:22(AS JOHN PRESCOTT) That were Darth Vader. I'm Darth Vader. Fucking hell.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Prescott began by saying, "I'm your father."
0:31:27 > 0:31:30He'd never seen Star Wars but his opponent's mother
0:31:30 > 0:31:32used to be his secretary or something.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Former Prime Minister Gordon Brown
0:31:36 > 0:31:39had to cancel a press conference at the United Nations last month
0:31:39 > 0:31:42after a poor turnout. How many people
0:31:42 > 0:31:45showed up to hear Gordon's thoughts on global education?
0:31:45 > 0:31:47- 17.- No. According to the Telegraph...
0:31:50 > 0:31:52HE LAUGHS
0:31:52 > 0:31:56- I'm sorry... - Do we know who that was?
0:31:56 > 0:31:58It was the Telegraph reporter!
0:32:02 > 0:32:06Some bloke saying, "You going to be much longer? I've got to lock up."
0:32:06 > 0:32:09What excuse did Gordon Brown's office offer for the cancellation?
0:32:09 > 0:32:12They put his name on the posters.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15It clashed with a Wednesday.
0:32:16 > 0:32:17They said he was...
0:32:23 > 0:32:27What bad news did the Sunday Times have for Gordon Brown this week?
0:32:27 > 0:32:29He's been melted down in Great Yarmouth?
0:32:31 > 0:32:32A survey found him to be Britain's...
0:32:35 > 0:32:36Gordon's alive?!
0:32:38 > 0:32:41Just one person turned up to Gordon Brown's press conference
0:32:41 > 0:32:44at the UN but that was just unfortunate timing,
0:32:44 > 0:32:46as in another room, Angela Merkel was launching
0:32:46 > 0:32:49her new range of swimwear.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Ted Heath's old house hasn't been getting enough visitors
0:32:52 > 0:32:54so they're closing it down.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57On the Mail Online, the comments on this story followed
0:32:57 > 0:32:59a certain pattern, referring to Ted Heath and...
0:33:08 > 0:33:09And saying...
0:33:16 > 0:33:19At the bottom of the page is the disclaimer.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26Though in this case, they do.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31At the end of this round, Ian and Will have five,
0:33:31 > 0:33:32Paul and Tony, you have four.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:33:38 > 0:33:40Come on then!
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Time for the Missing Words Round,
0:33:42 > 0:33:45which features as its guest publication...
0:33:49 > 0:33:52Not so much unputdownable as unpickupable.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54We start with...
0:33:58 > 0:34:00WILL: Oh, God! I don't know!
0:34:00 > 0:34:02No, I don't think that's it.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05Goat with huge beer belly goes for cummerbund.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Will was right.
0:34:11 > 0:34:12- There you go.- What, he hasn't got a clue?
0:34:12 > 0:34:14When he said, "Oh, God!"
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Goat with superimposed image of Jesus on his back
0:34:17 > 0:34:20goes for a fortune in Vatican auction.
0:34:20 > 0:34:24Staggeringly close and yet miles away.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26The answer is...
0:34:30 > 0:34:34- Wrong religion. - Would anybody like...
0:34:34 > 0:34:36It could have just said Allan and they got that wrong.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40No, it's Allah so would anybody like to make a joke about that?
0:34:43 > 0:34:44Next...
0:34:51 > 0:34:53Is it pissed horse?
0:34:53 > 0:34:56"Alan Titchmarsh took advantage of free beer with two old ladies
0:34:56 > 0:34:58"from a brewery." That's nice.
0:34:58 > 0:34:59- That's wholesome.- It's...
0:35:01 > 0:35:04- Very good.- Is it a beer named after a hedgehog?
0:35:04 > 0:35:07This is from the British Hedgehog Preservation Society Newsletter.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10Underneath a picture of Alan Titchmarsh
0:35:10 > 0:35:13enjoying a glass of Old Prickly is a reminder that...
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Or just reverse over it.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21- GROANS - Next...
0:35:25 > 0:35:26Over Clarkson.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:31 > 0:35:34I've got a lot of hedgehog friends.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Strip club. That's right, isn't it?
0:35:38 > 0:35:41That's extraordinary because it is strip club.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45- I saw the story. - Steven Hutchins, a JP in Maidstone,
0:35:45 > 0:35:47wanted to open a strip club - there he is.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50No touching. That's not a rule in the club just a bit of advice
0:35:50 > 0:35:51if you meet Steven.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Next.
0:35:58 > 0:35:59WILL: Wig.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Strip club again.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10This is from issue 58 of the Hedgehog Newsletter.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27Blender?
0:36:28 > 0:36:30- Next.- Every answer is strip club.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38..caught in police raid at strip club.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42Hedgehogs thrown at dartboard give a score of 4,000.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Next...
0:36:51 > 0:36:53..to create hedgehog nirvana.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Pay more tax to use motorways.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59- Yes, that's about it.- Is that a good idea?- Doesn't go far enough.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03- You should have to pay more tax to drive at all?- Outside lane,
0:37:03 > 0:37:06higher rate taxpayers only.
0:37:08 > 0:37:09And lastly...
0:37:09 > 0:37:11What?
0:37:13 > 0:37:14Hedgehog.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Is it rocket?
0:37:18 > 0:37:20- It's a short word.- Car.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22- Longer than that.- Cars.- Man.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27- That's the right length.- The right length of word - sheep, ship.
0:37:27 > 0:37:31Rose. Vase. Vase blasted into space.
0:37:31 > 0:37:36Er... Bars. Three bars.
0:37:36 > 0:37:37I'm just momentarily bored.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:44 > 0:37:47I noticed, Tony, that you've got the rest of my hair.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51I'd like it back, please.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55For the last 20 years I thought, "Where the hell has my hair gone?"
0:37:55 > 0:37:56And there it is on his head!
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Have you never thought of a comb-over?
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Have you ever seen him do a piece to camera in the wind?
0:38:00 > 0:38:03- No.- You get one. It's a comb-over.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Didn't Elton John write a song about you
0:38:05 > 0:38:06doing a piece to camera in the wind?
0:38:08 > 0:38:10There it is. Will Gompertz in the wind with a comb-over.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Is that it?
0:38:12 > 0:38:16With the magic of TV, you could put the hair on you quite easily.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Let's do that now.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Just sit still and we can do that, I'm sure.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24- Or maybe mine will go on Ian's head. - They're trying it now.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27I'd start talking about cars.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:38:33 > 0:38:35I bet you're not bored now.
0:38:38 > 0:38:39Fish...
0:38:43 > 0:38:44The final scores are:
0:38:44 > 0:38:48Ian and Will, 6 and Paul and Tony, you've also got 6.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51APPLAUSE
0:38:53 > 0:38:57Since the scores are level, let's have quick tie-break round.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59Buzz when you know who this is.
0:39:02 > 0:39:03BUZZER
0:39:03 > 0:39:06- Winston Churchill. - That's Shirley Bassey.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09That's Winston Churchill. And this one?
0:39:09 > 0:39:11BUZZER
0:39:11 > 0:39:12WILL: Rowan Atkinson.
0:39:12 > 0:39:13Next...
0:39:13 > 0:39:15BELL
0:39:15 > 0:39:16Ian Hislop.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19- Michael Barrymore.- I knew you knew.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21- Next.- I get the tasteless one.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23BUZZER
0:39:23 > 0:39:25- Cliff Richard.- Cliff Richard.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27Yes. Next.
0:39:27 > 0:39:28BELL
0:39:28 > 0:39:30Neanderthal man.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35- George Best. - Correct.- George Best?!
0:39:37 > 0:39:38BELL
0:39:38 > 0:39:42TONY: I can see who's behind. Is that Noel Edmonds?
0:39:42 > 0:39:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:45 > 0:39:48I'll give you a clue. I will give you a clue.
0:39:48 > 0:39:52The person in that picture looks absolutely
0:39:52 > 0:39:56nothing like the person whose name appears on my list.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Is it the Dalai Lama?
0:39:59 > 0:40:01- It's more ridiculous. - WILL: Is it politics?
0:40:02 > 0:40:04- Cilla Black.- Is he in politics?
0:40:04 > 0:40:05It's Jim Davidson.
0:40:08 > 0:40:09BUZZER
0:40:09 > 0:40:12- Sean Connery.- It is but that's Cliff Richard again.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17This waxworks is gloriously terrible!
0:40:19 > 0:40:20BUZZER
0:40:20 > 0:40:24- TONY: Cherie Blair.- No. - Jackie Onassis.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26You've been there all night wanting it to be her.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28Shirley Bassey?
0:40:28 > 0:40:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Ladies and gentlemen, we have our winner.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39Paul and Tony, you're on 14. Ian and Will, you're on 9.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41Robbed!
0:40:41 > 0:40:43APPLAUSE
0:40:43 > 0:40:45I leave you with the news that in Rome
0:40:45 > 0:40:48there are suspicions that pictures of Adam and Eve
0:40:48 > 0:40:50in the new illustrated edition of the Bible
0:40:50 > 0:40:52might be a bit too detailed.
0:40:56 > 0:41:00As Azerbaijan prepares for the Eurovision Song Contest,
0:41:00 > 0:41:03they look favourites to win with a power-ballad duet.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11After escaping from a secret research laboratory in Norwich,
0:41:11 > 0:41:15a giant hedgehog avenges the death of his father.
0:41:20 > 0:41:21Good night.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:56 > 0:41:59Does it actually go fast, the Prius?
0:41:59 > 0:42:00About 120.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04If you push it off a cliff.