0:00:31 > 0:00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Damian Lewis.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43In the news this week there's disappointment as one member
0:00:43 > 0:00:46of the Chipping Norton Amateur Dramatics Society
0:00:46 > 0:00:50realises he's only been given one line in this year's panto.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55LAUGHTER
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Heading home after a long night, two passengers put on a brave face
0:01:00 > 0:01:03when they have to take the rail replacement bus service.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Liverpool Council deny wasting money on a new initiative
0:01:12 > 0:01:15to check occupancy levels in high-rise flats.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25And, at a hotel on location,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27after his producer's husband turns up unexpectedly,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Andrew Marr decides to go back to his own room.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39With Ian tonight is the leader of UKIP, who was once the subject
0:01:39 > 0:01:43of a BBC documentary, which in the end they decided not to show.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Only, in that instance, it wasn't because they'd made
0:01:46 > 0:01:49a Christmas special celebrating him as a national treasure.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Oh, thank you very much(!)
0:01:50 > 0:01:55- Please welcome Nigel Farage MEP. - Charming!
0:01:55 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:03And with Paul is a star of cult movie This Is Spinal Tap,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06and The Simpsons. He does the voice of evil tycoon Mr Burns,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08which many people assume is based on Rupert Murdoch.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13He also voices the character of Smithers - yellow, fawning but ultimately powerless.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Presumably based on Nick Clegg.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Please welcome Harry Shearer.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20APPLAUSE
0:02:26 > 0:02:30And let's get started with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Paul and Harry. Can you take a look at this?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35This is the Muppets protesting the fact that
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Romney threatened to cancel the funding for Big Bird.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- And there's a man of decision. "I'll go... Oh, no, I'll go..." - Where's the loo?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Indoor fireworks. Yes, Barack Obama has won.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Chicago was going to have the Olympics, they had confetti left over.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52These people are too young to be that disappointed.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55"And STILL I don't know where to vote." Yeah.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Yes, this is the American election, Barack Obama's won convincingly.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- Did you stay up?- No, but I wasn't voting. Or, indeed, running.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I knew I'd find out in the morning.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09What's Radio 4 for?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Radio 4-4, is there two of them?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- Radio 4-4?- I was really grateful that I was over...
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Is there a Radio 2 too?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Sorry, Harry.- Radio 1-1 makes 11.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- I was grateful to be in this time zone.- "Look, it goes to 11." - Oh, yeah!- Aah!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- Knew it would happen. - Spinal Tap joke!
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Got there early. Oh, I'm so, SO happy I've got that in.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35They should have had a digest. I watched it
0:03:35 > 0:03:39and it's lots of people saying, "Too close to call, too close to call,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- "neck-and-neck... Oh, he's won easily."- Yeah.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47- Did I see you on ITV?- You were on ITV?- Yeah, I made a brief appearance.- You saucy little monkey!
0:03:47 > 0:03:51- Was it a good night? - It was a terrific night. I went to the American Embassy.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53A woman said, "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?"
0:03:53 > 0:03:57I said, "I don't get a vote," and she gave me a Republican badge
0:03:57 > 0:03:59and said, "There's a lot of these."
0:04:00 > 0:04:04And I thought, "I think I know which way this one's going."
0:04:04 > 0:04:09Isn't the story here that 93% of black voters voted for Obama,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12over 70% of the Hispanics voters voted for Obama,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15and actually the Republicans have had it in America.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17That was what one Republican said afterwards.
0:04:17 > 0:04:24"What's the problem here?" "We're not generating enough angry white guys."
0:04:24 > 0:04:26We've got to start producing more of them!
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- With 23 million unemployed, you'd think there'd be enough angry white guys around.- Yep.
0:04:30 > 0:04:35- IN AMERICAN ACCENT: - You said "voders" - are you Far-arge? Nigel Farage?
0:04:35 > 0:04:36What would you park you car in?
0:04:36 > 0:04:40- Are you accusing him of having a dodgy American accent? - No!- It's fine.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45Yes, there does seem to have been a bit of an election in the US this week. That's right, gents.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50To try to boost their campaign, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had one last-minute push in Ohio.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Anyone know what they christened this effort of theirs?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Titanic?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- The Blip, The Disaster, The Good Thing.- The Blitz.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03They called it...
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Bit inconsiderate towards Japanese Americans.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Our Prime Minister, he tweeted away like crazy.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- Anyone know what he tweeted? - They'd been to a baseball match together.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22He's now on Obama's side, the Tory Party now support the left-wing party. Is that right?
0:05:22 > 0:05:27They're only left by... no-one's terms, aren't they?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Obama's domestic policy is severely to the right of Richard Nixon's.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33The Americans have a conservative party,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- and a very conservative party. - That's right!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Then they have a Tea Party, which you just don't want to know.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41So our Prime Minister tweeted...
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Well, now he's not allowed to text Rebekah Brooks any more...!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53As always, during the campaign there were accusations
0:05:53 > 0:05:57of negative campaigning, slurring, attempts at media manipulation. Anyone see any examples of that?
0:05:57 > 0:06:03There was a landmark moment where, in the early part of the campaign,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06that is to say, in 1978...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10..Obama's supporters were criticising him
0:06:10 > 0:06:12for not saying that Romney lied.
0:06:12 > 0:06:18- They spent £2.5 billion on... - Dollars.- Yeah, dollars.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21And in the final bit, the adverts were about
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- who would waste most money in America.- That's right!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26By the way, in an 18-month election cycle,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29you could gestate an entire elephant in that time.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32There was this widely distributed image.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42How'd they get the dog to stay on his face like that?
0:06:42 > 0:06:47There were some technical issues with voting machines, did anyone see that story?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Yes, there was a voting machine where a person kept pressing
0:06:50 > 0:06:53the button for Obama and the machine kept registering Romney.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- Oooh!- That's absolutely right.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00BEEPING
0:07:00 > 0:07:02HARRY: It's magic!
0:07:02 > 0:07:03And he still lost!
0:07:04 > 0:07:08These things are harder to fix than you think.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12That's an appalling accusation!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Top US political expert - ahem - Piers Morgan
0:07:15 > 0:07:18was on hand with his customary insightful analysis
0:07:18 > 0:07:19on the day of the election.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23- What bombshells did he come up with? - Did he predict a Clinton win?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27He revealed...
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Thanks for that, Piers.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- Of course it's quite important during the campaign to keep control of your image.- Yes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Obama seems to have had the edge there too over Mr Romney.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Here's one that was released of him.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48And here's one that emerged of Mitt Romney.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53That's not a photograph, he wouldn't be posing in it.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56If you want normal people to resonate with you,
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- have a helicopter behind you, not a jet.- Yeah, exactly.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04He told the story of having a house being built for him
0:08:04 > 0:08:08on the coast in California that had a car lift.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11He told that to identify with normal people!
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Anyone know about the Eyebrow Index?
0:08:14 > 0:08:19Yeah. The longer, shorter, thicker or slightly less dense eyebrow,
0:08:19 > 0:08:24the more or less chance you've got of winning or losing in an election.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Anyway, the advice was that Romney should go pluck himself!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Mitt Romney became famous for his gaffes during the campaign.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- Anyone remember any of his gaffes? - "I like firing people", was one he said a few months back.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- He actually said, "I like to be able to fire people".- Yes.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52There was a particularly surreal one which he said back in January.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Although that was probably just an autocue error, to be fair,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08autocue...error... to just be fair, probably.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13The day before the election he was heard to say to
0:09:13 > 0:09:14one of his final rallies,
0:09:14 > 0:09:16"Tomorrow is the beginning of a better tomorrow."
0:09:18 > 0:09:23There was also the awkward one at the fundraiser, he didn't realise he was being recorded.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Nigel, a bit far, or pretty standard right-wing nut-job stuff?
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Well...
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Romney admitted to having strapped his dog to the top of the car
0:09:46 > 0:09:49for a 12-hour drive from Boston to Ontario.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54Nigel, bit far or pretty standard right-wing nut-job stuff?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57And then his wife's plane was forced to land
0:09:57 > 0:10:00after smoke was detected, and he told the press...
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Nigel?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- Anything to... You?- No, I'm sorry.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- Nothing.- I mean, even UKIP on a bad day can't compete with Romney.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21No, quite.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24The big news this week is the election of the Coptic Pope
0:10:24 > 0:10:27after the last Pope copped it.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER
0:10:28 > 0:10:31It's my favourite joke of the evening, I tell you.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Oh, dear. It's going to be a long one!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Let's have a look at how you choose a new Coptic Pope. Yeah.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Bishop Tawadros.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42He was 60, qualified as a pharmacist,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44and Father Rafael Ava Mina.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47There we are, he's picking out one of them.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49The boy put his hand on and picked it.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Let's just hear whether we can pick up the name that's announced
0:10:54 > 0:10:58as the new leader of the Coptic Church in Egypt.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Ah, what we have is the name being shown
0:11:16 > 0:11:21and I'm afraid my Arabic is not up to telling you what that is,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24but I'm sure we will know very shortly.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Will play Blackburn Rovers.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Yes, it's the US election.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31The result was in the balance until the last minute.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Mind you, if Americans think THAT election was exciting,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37just wait until Britain elects its regional Police Commissioners.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Explaining the complexities of the Electoral College system
0:11:43 > 0:11:45to its readers, the Mirror described it as...
0:11:47 > 0:11:50A figure that UKIP can only dream of, eh, Nigel?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55One Romney supporter who took defeat badly was Donald Trump,
0:11:55 > 0:11:56who tweeted...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03All right, Donald, keep your hair on!
0:12:03 > 0:12:04GASPING
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Whoa!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Somebody gave birth at the same time as you did that joke.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Ian and Nigel, will you take a look at this?
0:12:12 > 0:12:17- Ah, the lady of the moment. - Nadine Dorries. That's Oz.- Yeah.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Denis MacShane, in a helmet.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22And these are elderly computers.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24The last time I was on this programme, Ian, in fact,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- you had a very serious dig at me because I'd been accused... - Surely not!- No, honestly!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I was very surprised about it.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Mmm.- I needed counselling.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- I did.- I can't remember anything about it.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Was it £2 million of expenses?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Apparently... That's right.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46The guy that accused me of misusing £2 million of tax-payers' money
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- was none other than Denis... - MacShane.- Scumbag MacShane.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Who, whilst he was accusing me of this,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56in fact, used tax-payers' money
0:12:56 > 0:13:00and over the course of 18 months bought eight laptops
0:13:00 > 0:13:03and gave them to assistants and interns as gifts.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07But worse than that, took £125,000 of tax-payer's money
0:13:07 > 0:13:09as rent for his garage,
0:13:09 > 0:13:13which he said was his office. And then set up an organisation
0:13:13 > 0:13:16called the European Policy Institute,
0:13:16 > 0:13:22claimed expenses on that, and was actually signing fraudulent cheques.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25So I feel pretty embittered.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Although, Nigel, you did have a meeting with Andrew Neil recently, didn't you?- Yes...
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- After you said in 2009... - Hang on, we haven't finished this yet! I'm still enjoying expenses.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36You'd start publishing your expenses quarterly, but you still don't?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- We're doing them six-monthly instead.- Let's have a quick look.
0:13:39 > 0:13:44There's no information about your expenses since December 2011. That's nearly a year.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Yep. In fact, we're doing it every six months, not quarterly,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- that seemed more practical. You're quite right...- You haven't done it this year at all.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I haven't done it this year at all,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55because I simply haven't had time to do it.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59There's a big difference here. LAUGHTER
0:13:59 > 0:14:02There's a very big difference here.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04These are not expenses that I'm claiming for,
0:14:04 > 0:14:09these are ALLOWANCES that I'm given, cos that's the European system,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11and voluntarily, what I do is publish this stuff online,
0:14:11 > 0:14:15which I've done once every six months since 2009.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16No story, sorry.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- Can we get back to the other guy? - No story.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23I'm sure there IS a story. But we mustn't let off the other guy.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26No point going back into history, let's get back to him.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- Cos he deserves it.- Not only did MacShane falsify invoices,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33not only did he claim expenses that he had no right to,
0:14:33 > 0:14:37not only did he sign bits of paper, but he's furiously pro-European.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Well, that is even more serious, isn't it?
0:14:40 > 0:14:45- Well, I think...- Which I would suggest is probably, what, two years, three years?- Minimum!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I cannot understand why no-one spotted it,
0:14:48 > 0:14:52cos he set up this Policy Institute, signed the cheques himself,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54under the name of Mr Michael Mouse!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- Really?- No, I made that bit up.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Anyway, he might go to jail, do you think?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- He will.- You think he definitely will?- Absolutely, no question. He's to go to jail.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10- MPs have gone to jail for far less than what he's done.- Yeah. - And he deserves it.- Right.- Scumbag!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15If he does go down, he might want to dress a little bit differently.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19There he is. That's him putting an expense claim in
0:15:19 > 0:15:22for the imaginary pair of trousers he's wearing.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26He's had to resign after submitting false invoices.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27According to The Sun...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32And still Comet went bust.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36What are your feelings about Nadine Dorries?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- There were pictures of her topless, weren't there?- Topless?!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Yeah. Topless.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Really? What, with no head?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Well, there's a big debate going on. Is Nadine going to defect to UKIP?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49And I thought...
0:15:49 > 0:15:50That is the big debate(!)
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Everywhere I go, is she going to go? I don't know, please, tell us!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58She was on this team with you, wasn't she?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01She was here. A lot of people think she's slightly unhinged
0:16:01 > 0:16:02and that going to be on a reality show
0:16:02 > 0:16:04when you're meant to be in Parliament is a bad move,
0:16:04 > 0:16:09but if you think that would be a good member of your party, go for it!
0:16:09 > 0:16:10I didn't say it would!
0:16:10 > 0:16:14She's gone off to be on I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here, and Parliament's actually sitting.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17There are loads of votes, she's not going to help her constituents,
0:16:17 > 0:16:19a lot of people in Parliament are quite cross.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Does she get her salary while she's away on a reality show?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- She does.- Oh, that's nice. - Recently, she said...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I'll tell you what, Nadine,
0:16:31 > 0:16:35millions of people watched a bloke leap out of a balloon from the edge of space, if you're interested!
0:16:35 > 0:16:39APPLAUSE
0:16:39 > 0:16:42She did tell people that she's going to do this
0:16:42 > 0:16:46in order to raise important issues.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Do you think she's ever seen the programme?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Eric Pickles had something to say about it. Have a look at this.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Well, I shall be watching it, for the first time for a long time.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59And, as I say, I shall be ringing in religiously every week
0:16:59 > 0:17:01to keep her there!
0:17:01 > 0:17:06APPLAUSE
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Conservative whips responded by suspending her
0:17:08 > 0:17:10until she explains her actions -
0:17:10 > 0:17:13news that Heat Magazine felt it necessary
0:17:13 > 0:17:15to impart to their readers, adding...
0:17:24 > 0:17:27..said their chief political correspondent.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31She's famous for calling David Cameron and George Osborne...
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Though, once the Bushtucker Trials start with those bits of kangaroo,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39she'll be the one with the plum in her mouth.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45And the public are very vindictive, aren't they?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47They just vote for whoever they hate most
0:17:47 > 0:17:48to do the most unpleasant thing,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50time after time, until they crack.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Nigel, have you been asked?
0:17:51 > 0:17:55No, I haven't. No, I won't be going.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I'd like to be invited to the American Embassy at some point.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00There was burgers, chips, free beer.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- It was worth it, though. - Were you scanned?- Scanned.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Yeah. I had to give my mother's maiden name.- Probed?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- Probed? Of course. Why do you think I went?- OK.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Meanwhile, who else has misunderstood
0:18:12 > 0:18:14the nature of their job at Westminster
0:18:14 > 0:18:15in the last couple of weeks?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Nick Clegg?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Been more than the last few weeks, hasn't it?
0:18:19 > 0:18:20- Ken Clarke.- Thank you.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23He said he doesn't know what his new Government job is,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26describing his role of Minister without Portfolio as being...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Or as you would say, Nigel.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Baffling!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41So, who's EJ Matthews, and what's he got to do with all of this?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- He doesn't actually exist, does he? - No.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Or is he the turkey man?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47No, it's Bernard Matthews, and he doesn't exist either.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50He no longer exists either. He's not...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52That's right, he doesn't exist,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54but Denis MacShane pretended he did, allegedly.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Did he used to have phone calls with him,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59and pretend he was talking to him in front of other people?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01He said, "Would you like to sign off these expenses?"
0:19:01 > 0:19:03And he'd go, "Yes, Denis, I will."
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Denis said the fabrication was for...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I'd call it fiddling, but Nigel would call it...
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Baffling!
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Time has come, Nigel.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19We're moving on from this story, in a roundabout sort of way.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Time to talk about the EU budget.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25So, Britain pays into the European Union £53 million a day,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27but that, according to the Commission
0:19:27 > 0:19:30and the European Parliament, isn't enough,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32and it's got to be upped substantially,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35but the House of Commons voted for it to be reduced.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Which way did your lot vote?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Oh, well, our lot aren't really there, are they?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42I knew that, I just asked!
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Our lot would have voted for the amount that goes to Brussels to be zero, every day.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50HARRY: Well, may I suggest that your position be
0:19:50 > 0:19:55that Britain owe the money to the EU, but just not get around to paying it?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Excellent. - We could do that, but it's...
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Through not having enough time.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01But it's not a very... Ha-ha!
0:20:02 > 0:20:04No, no. I took the money first.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06No, no.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Why else is he in a bit of bother, Mr Cameron, our leader?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- Rebekah Brooks.- Ah, texting.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17Mmm. A couple of texts have been released,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19and there are others, but they're not relevant.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Yeah, but those two weren't relevant last time, either.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26They're going to come out slowly. It's like a big, long soap opera, which is great.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Was it about fast, exciting rides, or something? Was that right?
0:20:29 > 0:20:33It was, and a lot of tabloid papers thought that was a reference to sex,
0:20:33 > 0:20:34but it was horses.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- It was sex with horses, but it was horses.- Yes.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41In stark contrast to the glitzy show-biz razzamatazz of US politics,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44one of Britain's leading political figures, Nadine Dorries,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47is going on I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Nadine Dorries justified her decision to appear, saying...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Quite. Why do you think I'm doing this show?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Sorry. Mmm?
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Is that all?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05What, including the repeat?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Embarrassing.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Nadine Dorries' appearance on I'm A Celebrity will
0:21:14 > 0:21:17be the complete opposite of her experience as an MP.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20When she's in the jungle, it'll be stupid people voting her out.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25After the Tory Party suspended Nadine,
0:21:25 > 0:21:29known to the tabloids as Mad Nad,
0:21:29 > 0:21:33The Sun reported...
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Come on, she may be mad, but she's not insane.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40When told of Nadine Dorries' TV plans, Paul Duckett,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43chairman of her Mid Bedfordshire constituency, declared...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Maybe, but being constituency chairman
0:21:51 > 0:21:54of the Mid Bedfordshire Conservative Association
0:21:54 > 0:21:55probably isn't one of them.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01So, at the end of that round - dear, God, we made it - two points each.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05APPLAUSE
0:22:12 > 0:22:14And so to round two, the Strength-ometer of news.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Here is the first one.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20BUZZER UKIP's now going to campaign
0:22:20 > 0:22:23across the whole of Europe. That's what that flag means.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Really?- I think so.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Who do you think you're kidding, Mr Farage?- There you are.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35This is the news that Britain has invaded 90% of the world's nations,
0:22:35 > 0:22:39says author Stuart Laycock, who's written a book
0:22:39 > 0:22:43claiming that Britain has invaded 171 out of a possible 193 countries.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Why is this statistic a little questionable?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49It was made up!
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Because Laycock has allowed for it to include
0:22:55 > 0:22:59anywhere the British achieved a military presence.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05..as well as incursions by any...
0:23:07 > 0:23:12There are a few countries unlucky enough never to have enjoyed a British invasion. Sweden.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- Sweden, well...- Not worth it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16The Marshall Islands. I don't know where they are.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Well, that's why they've never been invaded.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Nigel, are UKIP for or against invading other countries,
0:23:22 > 0:23:23on the whole?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Erm...
0:23:26 > 0:23:28If you had to, though.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Who'd be top of your list?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Oh, it's got to be Belgium.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39It's pretty much a non-country, and we might do it a favour.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42HARRY: Give it a third language.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Whenever I say that, I get into terrible trouble. I can't think why.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46It's all right.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50This is just a co-production with a Belgian company.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53In other news, when the Nazis were trying to invade us...
0:23:53 > 0:23:57What you mean, in other news? When did this happen? Last week?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Those bastards never give up, do they?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Yes. In another article of interest, let's say that.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Meanwhile.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Who managed to get themselves stuck in a chimney
0:24:08 > 0:24:10when the Nazis were attacking us back when?
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Santa Claus.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13NIGEL: A pigeon, wasn't it?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Wasn't there one of these pigeons coming back, carrying a message,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19a house had been demolished, and they found round the leg a message?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21That's a very good answer.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23A carrier pigeon on its way to Bletchley Park, no less,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26whose remains were recently fished out by a bloke
0:24:26 > 0:24:27when he was restoring his fireplace.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Let's have a look at what he found.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31What did the message say?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Here it is, here's the pigeon's note.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35HARRY: That pigeon has good writing.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Odd, considering they have wings.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Yeah.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48The parachute would just slow the pigeon down. It would start flying,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51and it's got this wind-chute behind it, it'd slow it down.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54They couldn't have thrown them out of planes wearing parachutes.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56They couldn't have done that. It's impossible.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- I agree. Write in to the show.- OK.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00In your dealings,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03have you ever found anyone who's responsible for these things?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04You write it, right now.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06"Dear Points Of View..."
0:25:06 > 0:25:08"You must think we're all idiots."
0:25:08 > 0:25:11"Yours sincerely, the British public."
0:25:11 > 0:25:16The author estimates that Britain has invaded 171 countries -
0:25:16 > 0:25:20only three less than Prince Philip has insulted.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24The book claims that we even invaded Vietnam, in the 1600s,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27so the Americans were late joining that one, as well.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Right, fingers on buzzers, please, teams.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35BUZZER
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Judging by the speech bubble,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40is it something to do with Midlands accents are harder to understand
0:25:40 > 0:25:42than any other accent?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45And there's a particular irony to this answer.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- It's hard to understand your accent. - Do you think so?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49No, that would be the irony.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Oh, I see. Yes, indeed, absolutely.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53You two are a brilliant team! This is teamwork!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I don't understand what I'm saying.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00This is the news that an £11 million phone service
0:26:00 > 0:26:03at Birmingham City Council is sending callers mad
0:26:03 > 0:26:07because it can't understand Brummie accents.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09According to The Sun, it demands an account reference number,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12yet cannot cope with numbers such as "foive"...
0:26:18 > 0:26:20"Severn"...
0:26:20 > 0:26:24They don't all make that face when they're talking.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26And "neoine"...
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Apparently...
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- IN A BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: - Wonder why!
0:26:36 > 0:26:40What does the machine do when it doesn't understand?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43It electrocutes the applicant.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45It apparently continuously says...
0:26:47 > 0:26:49And according to the Telegraph, it remains...
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Baffling!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Who's been particularly unimpressed by all of this?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59The people who've paid for the system?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Birmingham Council?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- IN A BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: - "They've all made idiots of us.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06"We can't make this thing bloody work. What's the matter with it?"
0:27:06 > 0:27:09"I keep pressing the blue thing and it keeps coming up 'Mitt Romney'.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12"I'm trying to vote for Iraq Arama!"
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Local councillor...
0:27:14 > 0:27:16You could be local councillor Mike Leddy.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I am! I admit it! Ha-ha-ha!
0:27:19 > 0:27:23And I would have got away with it all, if it hadn't been for you kids!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Just had one of those spells.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28And here he is, here is Mike Leddy.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Go on, then. Where's Mike Leddy?
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Looking unimpressed.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32He's wearing a mask!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Look, his head's two times the size it should be!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37He's not got ash-die, has he?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39He told the Telegraph...
0:27:42 > 0:27:45They haven't all got colds!
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Do you know, I don't think you'll get the lead in Crossroads
0:27:54 > 0:27:56when it comes back!
0:27:56 > 0:28:00On the subject of speech, what have scientists discovered Koshik the elephant can do?
0:28:00 > 0:28:03He can order marmalade in 15 different languages.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05He can do it in one.
0:28:05 > 0:28:10- No, he can simulate human speech. - Another one? We had a whale last week that could do it.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Oh, they're such copycats. They watch the show and think,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15"Oh, if the whale can do it, I can do it."
0:28:15 > 0:28:17He puts his trunk in his mouth, and then blows the air in,
0:28:17 > 0:28:20and it makes a sort of echo chamber, and it makes a human voice.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Is that legal, to put your trunk in your mouth and blow?
0:28:23 > 0:28:27If I could do that, I'd never leave the house!
0:28:27 > 0:28:28You couldn't pay people to do that?
0:28:28 > 0:28:32- No, you couldn't. I've tried! - He's an Indian elephant,
0:28:32 > 0:28:35and he's learned to speak Korean, apparently, and here he is.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Joh-eun
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Joh-eun
0:28:42 > 0:28:46And that's Korean for good.
0:28:46 > 0:28:52Yeah. He's patronising his keeper in a foreign language.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55This is the new £11 million automated answering service
0:28:55 > 0:28:56at Birmingham City Council
0:28:56 > 0:28:59that can't understand the Birmingham accent.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02The system is actually installed in the Rent Arrears Department.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04According to the Telegraph,
0:29:04 > 0:29:06it meant the council were able to cut the jobs of...
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Who, ironically, are all now behind with their rent,
0:29:11 > 0:29:14and have to speak to the very machine that put them out of a job.
0:29:16 > 0:29:17Which means, at the end of the round,
0:29:17 > 0:29:21it's Harry and Paul with three, Nigel and Ian with two.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23APPLAUSE
0:29:25 > 0:29:29Time now for The Odd One Out round.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Paul and Harry, your four are...
0:29:32 > 0:29:33Verne Troyer,
0:29:33 > 0:29:35President William Howard Taft,
0:29:35 > 0:29:37Gordon Brown,
0:29:37 > 0:29:39and Stuart Rodger.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41- I've no idea. Any clues? - They all got stuck.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45Gordon Brown got stuck in Number Ten, it took years to get him out!
0:29:45 > 0:29:49They tried greasing him and everything,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52they couldn't get him through the door.
0:29:52 > 0:29:53They all got stuck...
0:29:53 > 0:29:54In lifts.
0:29:54 > 0:29:55- ..in the...- Bog.
0:29:55 > 0:30:00Yes, bathroom. Apart from Stuart Rodger,
0:30:00 > 0:30:03who deliberately hid in the toilet for an hour,
0:30:03 > 0:30:05in order to heckle David Cameron.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Was David Cameron in the same toilet as him? Took a while.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09Next door.
0:30:09 > 0:30:10Yeah.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13What did he do when he finally emerged from the toilet?
0:30:13 > 0:30:16Said, "I'd give it a minute if I were you."
0:30:16 > 0:30:21He burst into a room where Cameron was talking and shouted...
0:30:25 > 0:30:30You spend an hour in the toilet, you think you'd come up with something better than that.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33He got 100 hours community service, heckling Michael McIntyre.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Tell us about President Taft. What did he do?
0:30:36 > 0:30:39He was President of the United States, guess what number he was?
0:30:39 > 0:30:4040, no. He was 27.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44That's not right, is it?
0:30:44 > 0:30:47Yeah, he's the 27th President of the United States!
0:30:47 > 0:30:49APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:30:49 > 0:30:51I'm taking you to the track!
0:30:51 > 0:30:53He once got himself stuck in the presidential bathtub.
0:30:53 > 0:30:58He was the heaviest-ever President, weighing in at a whopping 21 stone.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02Does anyone know how he managed to get out of the tub?
0:31:02 > 0:31:04He went on a diet for a year.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07And eventually walked out, on his own.
0:31:07 > 0:31:08He soaped himself up.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11He was rescued by a plumber from Birmingham.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14"How did you get stuck in the bath like that?"
0:31:14 > 0:31:17Six men apparently dislodged him with a...
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Not to grease the sides, just to lure him out!
0:31:29 > 0:31:33Taft was a one-term President, and that term was "fatso".
0:31:35 > 0:31:38This year, Verne Troyer got stuck in an aeroplane toilet.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41And Gordon Brown once locked himself in a toilet
0:31:41 > 0:31:44and had to be freed by his arch-nemesis, Tony Blair.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46After a year.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50According to Blair, what actually happened was...
0:32:00 > 0:32:02According to Campbell...
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Leave it, leave it, just walk away!
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Nothing to see here!
0:32:14 > 0:32:15Then...
0:32:23 > 0:32:27Brown was stuck in the toilet for 15 minutes, an embarrassing episode,
0:32:27 > 0:32:29but on the plus side,
0:32:29 > 0:32:32that was when he first had a go at quantitative easing.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Ding!
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Ian and Nigel, here are yours.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40Cyclops, Xi Jinping,
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Osama Bin Laden and Fred Flintstone.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44I think this is about caves,
0:32:44 > 0:32:48because the Cyclops lived in a cave, when Odysseus and co came in.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51Osama Bin Laden lived in a cave,
0:32:51 > 0:32:52Fred Flintstone had a very nice cave
0:32:52 > 0:32:56with all the mod cons and everything in it.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59And the new leader of China doesn't live in a cave.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02Yet.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04That's not a great answer.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06I reckon you're pretty good at this.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Very low bar.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11They have all lived in a cave, except for Fred Flintstone,
0:33:11 > 0:33:15who lived in a stone house with all mod cons.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18Where does Fred Flintstone's catchphrase "Yabba-dabba-do"
0:33:18 > 0:33:20- originally come from?- Bill Clinton.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24It was a slogan from way back. Not that far back.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26A product slogan?
0:33:26 > 0:33:27Thank you, thank you.
0:33:27 > 0:33:28Soap.
0:33:28 > 0:33:29Closer.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31- Detergent.- No.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Butter.
0:33:33 > 0:33:34Gallon of butter.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36According to the Internet,
0:33:36 > 0:33:39apparently it comes from a Brylcreem slogan from the 1950s.
0:33:41 > 0:33:45Talking of the Flintstones, Fred and Wilma's private life
0:33:45 > 0:33:49expanded US social boundaries in the '60s. Why?
0:33:49 > 0:33:53You could now sleep with cartoons?
0:33:53 > 0:33:56They were the first couple to be shown in bed together
0:33:56 > 0:33:58on prime-time TV.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Before that they had to be in single beds next to each other.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Oh, and Wilma was a crack whore.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09Osama Bin Laden is reported to have lived in a cave in Afghanistan.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12What did we learn recently about his beard?
0:34:12 > 0:34:15It was 15 very specially-trained swallows.
0:34:15 > 0:34:16He dyed it.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18That's right, he dyed it.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21According to a member of the Navy SEALs, Mark Owen.
0:34:21 > 0:34:22What else was Mark surprised about
0:34:22 > 0:34:24after looking through Osama's belongings?
0:34:24 > 0:34:26There was a box set of The Wire?
0:34:28 > 0:34:31He was surprised by how tidily Bin Laden kept his clothes.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33Not all bad, then.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43Along with his enemies.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46Cyclops, in Greek mythology...
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Is that Cyclops? Why has he got two eyes?
0:34:49 > 0:34:50I don't think he has, has he?
0:34:50 > 0:34:51Oh. OK.
0:34:51 > 0:34:52That would be a Biclops.
0:34:52 > 0:34:57He lived in a cave, according to Homer's Odyssey, of course,
0:34:57 > 0:35:00so that's that.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03Xi Jinping, China's next leader, I think we can be fairly certain,
0:35:03 > 0:35:06once lived in cave, when his father was arrested
0:35:06 > 0:35:08during the Cultural Revolution.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11What will he get to control once he's running China?
0:35:11 > 0:35:13He gets to control the world.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16According to the Guardian, the world's largest armed forces.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18And I think they're the biggest economy now, aren't they?
0:35:18 > 0:35:21They've just overtaken America...
0:35:21 > 0:35:22- Them's fighting words, mister!
0:35:22 > 0:35:26How did Xi Jinping once respond to foreign critics of China?
0:35:26 > 0:35:30He made very tiny poodles impersonate these enemies,
0:35:30 > 0:35:31by the way they walked into a room.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33So his enemies would come into the room,
0:35:33 > 0:35:35and they'd see this special poodle had been trained
0:35:35 > 0:35:37to take the piss out of him, basically.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40And they would lose confidence, lose face, because in China,
0:35:40 > 0:35:44if a dog imitates you, then that's really bad.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46You are ashamed.
0:35:47 > 0:35:48You know the culture well.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50I do, yeah.
0:35:50 > 0:35:54If you turn your back, and a Labrador's going like that at you...
0:35:54 > 0:35:55get out of politics.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58They've all lived in a cave, except Fred Flintstone.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01After Odysseus' men sneak into the Cyclops' cave and steal his sheep,
0:36:01 > 0:36:02the giant...
0:36:06 > 0:36:10And that, according to the government's anti-burglar guidelines, is proportionate force.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14Which means, at the end of this round,
0:36:14 > 0:36:16it's Harry and Paul with four, Nigel and Ian with three.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19No! It cannot be!
0:36:25 > 0:36:27Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:36:27 > 0:36:30which this week features as its guest publication,
0:36:30 > 0:36:32The Society For Clay Pipe Research newsletter.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34Fantastic. I get this every month!
0:36:34 > 0:36:35And we start with...
0:36:40 > 0:36:41Self-abuse.
0:36:43 > 0:36:44It fits.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48Same thing!
0:36:48 > 0:36:52This is from The Society For Clay Pipe Research newsletter,
0:36:52 > 0:36:53which covers topics like...
0:36:56 > 0:36:58And it still achieves a bigger circulation
0:36:58 > 0:37:00than the UKIP newsletter!
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Next...
0:37:05 > 0:37:06Feed the poor.
0:37:08 > 0:37:09It rhymes with that.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14- Clean the floor? - Yeah, they don't do anything, children. Get them working.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17This is an invention that uses your baby to clean floors.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25There is also a full-size version for husbands who come home drunk.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Next, Prince Charles...
0:37:33 > 0:37:35This is him using pidgin.
0:37:35 > 0:37:40I think it's I'm a number one piccaninny bilong missy Queen.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45It's what he actually said.
0:37:48 > 0:37:52Prince Charles is tour Down Under. Whilst on walkabout,
0:37:52 > 0:37:54he wore a traditional Australian bushman's hat.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56It was a present from his sons.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59William donated the hat and Harry provided all the corks.
0:38:00 > 0:38:01Next...
0:38:05 > 0:38:09- Collect one more pipe. - Sell his collection.
0:38:09 > 0:38:10HARRY: No!
0:38:10 > 0:38:13According to The Society For Clay Pipe Research newsletter,
0:38:13 > 0:38:18Bill thinks his collection is worth £7,750.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21Wow, Bill, what have you been smoking?
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Next...
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Snake! It's definitely snake.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33He's got an antique snake, and we've paid £10,000 to have it restuffed.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Snake is the correct answer.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37I've been saying it.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39I've been saying nothing else but snake all night.
0:38:41 > 0:38:42This the 100-year-old anaconda
0:38:42 > 0:38:45in William Hague's department at the Foreign Office.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47A spokesman explained...
0:38:49 > 0:38:52..adding that the snake is in even worse condition.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55Next...
0:38:55 > 0:38:58BBC Health and Safety, basically.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01They weren't allowed to point a radio transmitter into outer space
0:39:01 > 0:39:04in case we got a reply back from a nearby planet,
0:39:04 > 0:39:06another planetary civilisation of some kind.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08If they replied back to us
0:39:08 > 0:39:10that'd be a Health and Safety form to fill out, so it wasn't allowed.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12Is the correct answer.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16As part of his BBC programme,
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Professor Brian Cox was investigating
0:39:18 > 0:39:20a newly-discovered planet.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22Isolated, remote, and with a poisonous atmosphere,
0:39:22 > 0:39:26the BBC's going through a difficult period.
0:39:26 > 0:39:27Next...
0:39:27 > 0:39:30Pipe! Must be!
0:39:30 > 0:39:32Hooray! is the correct answer.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35The Society For Clay Pipe Research newsletter
0:39:35 > 0:39:38featured an alien in a crop circle smoking a pipe.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41A message to clay pipe smokers - you really ought to get out more.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43And a message to crop-circle makers
0:39:43 > 0:39:45- you really ought to stay in more.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47And finally...
0:39:49 > 0:39:51HARRY: Revealed as Iran's secret weapon.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Yeah, exactly.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58The lead Morris man delivered
0:39:58 > 0:40:02his most energetic dance performance ever, seconds after being Tasered!
0:40:06 > 0:40:08So the final scores are, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
0:40:08 > 0:40:12Ian and Nigel have five, Harry and Paul have seven.
0:40:20 > 0:40:21We demand a recount!
0:40:25 > 0:40:29Just before we go, there's time for the caption competition.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31Ian and Nigel have this...
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Ah, Lord Black, nice of you to come.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37HARRY: I've learnt to speak to elephants.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41And Paul and Harry get that...
0:40:43 > 0:40:45David Cameron warns against gay backlash.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:50 > 0:40:53Ian Hislop and Nigel Farage, Paul Merton and Harry Shearer.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56And I leave you with the news that, in Chicago,
0:40:56 > 0:40:59one man regrets answering yes when his wife asks,
0:40:59 > 0:41:00"Does my bum look big in this?"
0:41:04 > 0:41:06On a tour of Papua New Guinea,
0:41:06 > 0:41:09Prince Charles finalises his evening plans with his senior aide.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15And after his narrow victory,
0:41:15 > 0:41:19President Obama rings Mitt Romney to offer his heartfelt commiserations.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Good night.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media