0:00:02 > 0:00:04I would like to know why, at the age of 90,
0:00:04 > 0:00:08I've had to sign a piece of paper, in order to be on this show,
0:00:08 > 0:00:10to say I wasn't pregnant.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12APPLAUSE
0:00:17 > 0:00:19- Can I move you over just a little? - Oh!- There we go.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Be careful - she's pregnant!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- YOU should know!- I... Well!
0:00:27 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34It's going to be that sort of show, is it?!
0:00:34 > 0:00:43This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I'm Jack Whitehall. In the news this week,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19after receiving the-long awaited Leveson Report,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21David Cameron takes immediate action.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32At a casting session for The Magic Roundabout Musical,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Nigel Havers really nails his audition for the part of Zebedee.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And at River Cottage, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall
0:01:47 > 0:01:51is spotted coming home from John Lewis with a brand-new meat cleaver.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56SHEEP SCREAMS
0:01:58 > 0:02:02With Ian is a member of the House of Lords
0:02:02 > 0:02:05and the oldest guest we have ever had on this show.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08It would be ungallant of me to tell you Her Ladyship's age,
0:02:08 > 0:02:12so let's just say she was born before this programme started.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15And before BBC One started.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17And before television started.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Please welcome Baroness Trumpington!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:26 > 0:02:29And with Paul is a familiar face from The Apprentice
0:02:29 > 0:02:34who, as a PR man, spent 21 years with Alan Sugar at Amstrad
0:02:34 > 0:02:35and he's still working...
0:02:35 > 0:02:38unlike most Amstrads.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- Please welcome Nick Hewer. - Oh, how could you? Jack!- I know.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43APPLAUSE
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- You should sue him.- Oh, Jack.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Ian, Baroness Trumpington, take a look at this.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52That's Hugh Grant.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54That isn't. That's Lord Leveson.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Cameron on the phone to Rebekah - "Yeah, I've read it."
0:02:58 > 0:03:01That's the Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03bringing in the tea for the Cabinet
0:03:03 > 0:03:06and that's a bad re-enactment.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08So what side are you on on this, if any?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I'm listening to you.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15That's the correct side.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16HE LAUGHS
0:03:16 > 0:03:20You see, they're not all bad, the House of Lords.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Ian, would you care to summarise the Leveson Report?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Yes, I mean, there are four volumes of it and a summary.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29We've actually got them here. There they are.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31The summary is that, you know,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34essentially the press behaved abysmally.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39He's slightly kinder to the police, who behaved quite abysmally,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41and too kind to the politicians,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43who he says didn't behave that abysmally.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Obviously, my view is that they all did.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48So you think a free press is a good idea?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I think a free press is a good idea, which is obviously a heretical view.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54You say you're in favour of a free press -
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Does that include telephone listening in?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00No. What I'm in favour of is a free press that obeys the law
0:04:00 > 0:04:04and there is a law against all the things that came up in the report -
0:04:04 > 0:04:07telephone hacking, bribery of policemen, harassment, privacy.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10All those things, I think, are covered by the law.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12They weren't enforced by the police
0:04:12 > 0:04:14because they were in the pocket of the press,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17who are in the pocket of the politicians,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19in fact by Mr Cameron himself.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- So I think...- Steady.- I know.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Well, you did say you were listening to me,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27so I thought I'd give it a wang, really.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30How much would this cost you? Do you know how much this would cost?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- It was 250 quid. That's my copy! - 250 quid?- Yeah.- This is yours?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- Would you like that for Christmas? - Do you want it?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38If it was wrapped with consideration, I'll have it, yeah.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39I'll give you all presents.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Baroness, I bought you 50 Shades Of Grey, which is...
0:04:43 > 0:04:44You've already got it.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49How did Sky News report David Cameron's reaction to the report?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51"Leave it, Leveson, or I'll cut ya!",
0:04:51 > 0:04:53shouted Murdoch from behind the curtain.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57What did Lord Justice Leveson do
0:04:57 > 0:05:00immediately after the press conference?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Well, he ordered a bottle of whisky
0:05:01 > 0:05:05and said "I've just wasted 14 months of my life."
0:05:05 > 0:05:07He flew off to Australia.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10He's gone to join I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13On the subject of much loved figures,
0:05:13 > 0:05:17did you see Piers Morgan's response on Twitter?
0:05:17 > 0:05:18- Yes.- You did?!
0:05:18 > 0:05:19No.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24I did look up the bit about Piers Morgan in that report,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I'll be honest.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I know it is 700,000 million words,
0:05:28 > 0:05:32but the four or five about Piers are well worth a look.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Can you remember what they were?
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Yeah, Lord Leveson didn't find his description of phone hacking
0:05:38 > 0:05:41and how he'd never done any entirely convincing.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44That's all I'm going to say. Go and read it for yourselves.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46You know, the Conservatives
0:05:46 > 0:05:48don't want statutory underpinned regulation,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50the Labour Party do...
0:05:50 > 0:05:53"You're lying, Morgan, you toerag!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"Come this side of the Atlantic and face the committee
0:05:55 > 0:05:59"instead of talking via internet satellite, you bastard!"
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Yes.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07APPLAUSE
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- What did he Twitter then, sorry? - Oh, yes, what was the tweet?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11His tweet was...
0:06:13 > 0:06:14Oh, very funny, Piers.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18My response would be "Police car for Piers."
0:06:18 > 0:06:20"Trial for Piers."
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"Big, angry cellmate that misses his wife for Piers."
0:06:26 > 0:06:29He'd have to miss her an awful lot, wouldn't he?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33What evidence is there for the public losing interest
0:06:33 > 0:06:36in the whole thing that's linked to Hugh Grant?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38They haven't lost interest, have they?
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Well, last night, his documentary Taking On The Tabloids
0:06:42 > 0:06:45was only viewed by over 552,000 viewers,
0:06:45 > 0:06:46which is 75% down on the average.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49NICK: Countdown gets lots more than that.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Me and the Baroness were watching TOWIE.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Probably.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I think they are interested, perhaps it's just me. But, er...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Are you interested? Are you still interested?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- AUDIENCE: Yes!- Yeah.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03And the Hugh Grant thing, did you back that campaign, yeah?
0:07:03 > 0:07:04I think it's good -
0:07:04 > 0:07:07anything that keeps Hugh Grant away from acting, we should really...!
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Yes, this is the long-awaited release of the Leveson Report,
0:07:11 > 0:07:13which called for outside regulation
0:07:13 > 0:07:16to make sure the press regulate themselves.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Despite having read the exchange of personal texts
0:07:19 > 0:07:22between David Cameron and Rebekah Brooks, Lord Leveson
0:07:22 > 0:07:23described the relationship
0:07:23 > 0:07:25between politicians and the press as being...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- HE SCOFFS - LOL.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34The latest polls say that 78% of the public
0:07:34 > 0:07:36would support independent regulation,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38which detractors argue means nothing,
0:07:38 > 0:07:42as 78% of the public would support the death penalty.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Although both of those figures would rise to 100%
0:07:44 > 0:07:47as soon as anyone mentions Piers Morgan.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Hacked Off released a statement
0:07:50 > 0:07:51saying they were bitterly disappointed
0:07:51 > 0:07:53with David Cameron's response.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56And, from now on, they're going to be known as "Fucked Off."
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Talking of which, my daughter-in-law taught him at school, you know?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- She said he was a VERY naughty boy. - Really?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- And he fiddled in the margins. - He did what?!
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Was that a pub?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- Paul and Nick, take a look at this. - Yes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17This is the new governor of the Bank of England. He's a Canadian bloke.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- I don't know his name.- Carney. - Carney? There's some money.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Just to make sure we know we're in Canada, there's Canada in 1948.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Maple syrup just to indicate that we are in...
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Oh, there's a moose that says, "Canada!"
0:08:31 > 0:08:34It's a bit odd that we can't find somebody to run the bank,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36we've got to go to Canada. I know they're prudent and the rest,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39but it's the same in football, they're all foreigners.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Foreign managers.- Is there nobody worth a damn here any more, Jack?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Is it not a good idea
0:08:44 > 0:08:46having a foreigner running the banking system for a bit?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Our lot haven't been too great.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Has he got our interests at heart? - Yeah, exactly.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Working for the...Canadians.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Our well-known enemies over all these years.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57And what's over the border from Canada?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Yeah, Mexico!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Recently, in a financial magazine,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06he was voted the most trusted Canadian.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Which is not saying much,
0:09:08 > 0:09:12as the only two Canadians anyone's heard of are him and Conrad Black.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14You know what they sang at the end of the war?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16"Now the war is over, we'll all begin to sing,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19"Now we've finished Hitler, where's Mackenzie King?"
0:09:19 > 0:09:22And who was Mackenzie King?
0:09:22 > 0:09:23The Prime Minister of Canada.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Ah. There we are.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Was that like an old-fashioned version of Gangnam Style?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Exactly.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32But Canada's survived best, out of all the countries in the West,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34out of this financial recession,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37so they've decided, "Why don't we get someone in?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"We can't do it, let's get in a Canadian."
0:09:39 > 0:09:41It's not a totally useless move.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Are you keen on the idea of someone from Goldman running the economy?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Look, Draghi, who's running Europe at the moment,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48he's Goldman, isn't he? Everybody's Goldman!
0:09:48 > 0:09:51And then they all hold hands with the people from McKinsey.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- Do you think it's an international conspiracy?- I think so. Probably.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Run by people dressed as lizards.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- Or lizards just as people. - Lizards dressed as people.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- Yeah, we would have noticed it the other way round, wouldn't we?- Yeah.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Let's look at Mark Carney.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Do you know how the Express described him?
0:10:07 > 0:10:08That said that he...
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Let's have a look at him again.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- I mean,- I- look more like George Clooney than him.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- Nick- looks more like George Clooney than him.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- The Baroness- looks more like George Clooney than him!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23It was a terribly shocking appointment,
0:10:23 > 0:10:28- because it's a big public job and he didn't go to Eton!- No.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- How about Marlborough? - Marlborough, very good school.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- That's where I was.- Yeah.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34It wasn't that posh,
0:10:34 > 0:10:38we had the same thing as like normal schools as well, at my school.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Bad school dinners - this one time,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42they served red wine with the fish course, Baroness.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I love it. I love it.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I love it, well done.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48APPLAUSE
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Chateauneuf-du-Pape with turbot!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Would you like to see George Alagiah
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- asking a very straightforward question?- Yeah.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Robert, George Osborne says he's the best in the world.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06What's he got, Mark Carney,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09that no-one in Britain apparently has not?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16And what about money, how much is Mark Carney getting paid?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17£600-odd, wasn't it?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20£624,000 a year, which is not bad.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22He can always go and top it up downstairs, can't he,
0:11:22 > 0:11:23- if he's a bit short?- Yeah.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- Wouldn't you have thought? - Yeah, take-home perks.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28He comes in in the morning, a thin bloke.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Goes home at night a big, fat bloke wearing an overcoat.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34It's put into perspective this week by Harry Redknapp,
0:11:34 > 0:11:35who's become a manager of a football club
0:11:35 > 0:11:39and is being paid £3 million a year, which, after tax, is...
0:11:39 > 0:11:41£3 million a year.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43APPLAUSE
0:11:46 > 0:11:48It says up there - "Question about Major Perk."
0:11:48 > 0:11:50It's been up there for a while.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- "Question about a Major Perk"?- Yeah. - Is that a man?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I don't know.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Is he a friend of General Commotion?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Or Corporal Punishment?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02And Private Matter.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08According to the Independent, there is one major perk
0:12:08 > 0:12:10that comes with being Governor of the Bank of England.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Ah, very good.- What is it? - You're allowed to take...
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Whatever sticks to your hand, you can take home!
0:12:17 > 0:12:18The answer is...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24That's like a big loo, right?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Oh, you're referring to Fat Pang
0:12:27 > 0:12:32and his appearance before the Select Committee.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Did you read about that?
0:12:33 > 0:12:34- Yes. This is Lord Patten.- Oh.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38And he felt they were asking far too many questions about the BBC
0:12:38 > 0:12:40and what it had got up to, and he said,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"Next, you'll be wanting to know about my toilet habits."
0:12:43 > 0:12:44I met him once, you know.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I was in need of a stapler at the time.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52And I was at Wembley for the last Tory shindig before the '92 election
0:12:52 > 0:12:53and I was handling a speech
0:12:53 > 0:12:56and I looked around and I said, "Has anybody got a stapler?"
0:12:56 > 0:12:59He said, "I'll get one," and he rushed off.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01As good as his word, he came back, he had one and he gave it to me.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- Very nice man, sticks to his word. - Yeah. Got you a stapler.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07But what of his toilet habits?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09He doesn't use a stapler for that.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Doesn't need to.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Have we got two Tories on the panel tonight?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- I'm Labour.- Oh, you're Labour. You were just at a Tory shindig?- Yeah.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Boo!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24That's the level our debate's sunk to!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Next time he talks, I'll make a fart noise.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Can I go home now?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Can I come with you?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Banking is a bit dry.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Would we like to cheer ourselves up by watching Boris do the Mobot?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- Yes?- No!
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Do the Mobot.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Did he know he was being filmed?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02That could be your next leader.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04God.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06APPLAUSE
0:14:08 > 0:14:11The Mobot was a bit of a craze, but you've actually started the V-bot.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14What shall we call it, your moment in the House Of Lords?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I have to tell you that that Noble Lord and I
0:14:17 > 0:14:19have been friends for many, many years.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21He's a hell of a chap,
0:14:21 > 0:14:26he was a War Minister during the, er...last war we...had.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29SHE CHUCKLES
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- Which one was that?- Iraq?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- Listen, chum, I AM 90.- Yeah.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37No, I was thinking we'd had a lot recently -
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I wasn't going to say "Napoleonic". God!
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Oh dear, oh dear.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47But you... This is Lord King.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49But you, at first, denied that you flicked him the Vs.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Or did you say that you had?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Sorry, I'll stop doing it now!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55It is rather catching.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Did you regret swearing at him?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03No, because I regretted what he said,
0:15:03 > 0:15:04which was that people of my age
0:15:04 > 0:15:07were starting to look very, very, very old.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Well, wouldn't you do that?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Oh, lord.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20This is the news that the Canadian Mark Carney
0:15:20 > 0:15:22is to become the first foreigner to run the Bank of England.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Yeah, tell that to UKIP.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26LAUGHTER
0:15:26 > 0:15:31According to the Times, Mr Carney has negotiated a salary of £624,000,
0:15:31 > 0:15:34although, obviously, if he screws it all up and resigns early,
0:15:34 > 0:15:38he'll get massively more under the Entwistle clause.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41There has been some criticism over the appointment of a non-Briton
0:15:41 > 0:15:42to this important position.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45However, Mr Carney's supporters point out that he has...
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Yes, so did Fabio Capello.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Ian and Baroness Trumpington, here is another one for you.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00UKIP. Someone saying "I'm voting UKIP."
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Farage, because he's the only one.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05No, he's not. Lots of them. Look at him, he's so glum.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- This is the news, well, it's happening now.- Mmm.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12So when you see this, you'll know. UKIP will have won a seat.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16The Conservative Party will have formed a coalition with UKIP...
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I don't think so. I hope not!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Frankly, I think it's the most horrible set-up.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- What, UKIP?- Yes.- Right.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29That's it.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Well, that's that, then.- Yes.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37This is the row over foster children
0:16:37 > 0:16:39being buffeted around by cheap politics...
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- Oh, that was disgraceful.- Yes.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43How did Nigel Farage describe the decision
0:16:43 > 0:16:46by Rotherham social services?
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Baffling.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- IAN LAUGHS - Correct.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Baffling.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:56 > 0:16:58He was actually right for a change, though.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00The reason given by Rotherham council
0:17:00 > 0:17:03for taking the Eastern European children away?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06That the foster parents were members of UKIP.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07The foster mum claimed...
0:17:12 > 0:17:15There's so few people willing to foster kids anyway.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19But to say UKIP people can't do it seems amazing.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Put them back in care, that's worked well.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Oh, no, it hasn't.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Is the idea that they'll be brought up as racists
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- to hate themselves? Is that the fear?- Yes.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32They'll wake up in the morning and punch themselves in the face?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Children never follow what their parents do.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Ian's parents were both in The Grateful Dead...
0:17:37 > 0:17:39LAUGHTER
0:17:39 > 0:17:41UKIP were outraged
0:17:41 > 0:17:44that they and their supporters are being accused of being racists,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46but how did David Cameron describe them in 2006?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Fruitcakes.- Yes.- Loonies.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54I like this phrase "closet racist".
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I have a friend, he's just come out as a racist,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58but he doesn't know if he's a racist or not,
0:17:58 > 0:18:02he's still a bit confused. He's bi-furious.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Why is this a bad time for Cameron and the Tories
0:18:07 > 0:18:09to be antagonising UKIP?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Because UKIP are getting a lot of votes,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14the country's getting more Euro-sceptic
0:18:14 > 0:18:17and a lot of Tories are threatening to desert.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Not a lot.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20OK, hardly any.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Ever.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24There was someone in your party suggested there should be
0:18:24 > 0:18:27a coalition between UKIP and the Conservatives.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31The man you talk of is Michael Fabricated-Hair.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Here is a picture of Michael Fabricated-Hair.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Michael Fabricant suggested a pact with UKIP
0:18:37 > 0:18:40so they would not stand against the Conservatives in the next election.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42We actually got tweeted earlier on.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Then he tweeted back, saying...
0:18:56 > 0:18:59It's not, we're just making jokes about your appearance.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00LAUGHTER
0:19:04 > 0:19:05He's probably going to be sat at home,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07pulling out someone else's hair.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Also in the news this week,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14How did David Cameron show off his tough guy credentials?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Did he smack a labrador in the face?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- It's to do with the EU.- Well, I mean, he didn't agree the budget.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Yes, he stood firm at the EU summit
0:19:25 > 0:19:27and demanded a cut in their spending.
0:19:27 > 0:19:33He won. Largely because Germany took our side, which is a first.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39- It really is awfully boring, the way they carry on.- What, the Europeans?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- Everyone?- Everyone.- Yes.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45When I worked for a living, I had to go to Munich every month.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49And the meeting was conducted in English. I don't speak German.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51They all spoke impeccable English.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54The chairman came up to me at the very first meeting, he said...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57(GERMAN ACCENT) "It's so nice to have you on our side for once."
0:19:57 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:03What do they spend a lot of their money on at the EU?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- Meetings.- Well...- Pastries.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- It's actually wine.- Wine.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12They were serving Bordeaux at £121 a bottle
0:20:12 > 0:20:14at the EU summit dinner.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Cameron walked out and ate his dinner elsewhere.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19He wasn't going to be drinking any of that cheap plonk!
0:20:19 > 0:20:23LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Although, according to The Sun,
0:20:24 > 0:20:29he nipped back later for the cold meats and cheeses.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31A family of UKIP supporters in Rotherham
0:20:31 > 0:20:34have had their children taken away because of authorities
0:20:34 > 0:20:36being concerned about their welfare.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40UKIP's candidate in North Croydon by-election was Winston McKenzie,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43who has spoken out against adoption by gay couples,
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Leading other members of UKIP to shake their heads and say, "See?
0:20:55 > 0:20:59"That's why we shouldn't have let people like HIM in the party."
0:20:59 > 0:21:03And Winston... (They do more than kiss!)
0:21:03 > 0:21:07Paul and Nick, here's another for you.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Ah, yes, OK, this is a clip from George Melies' A Voyage to the Moon.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13That's a nuclear explosion.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16There was some story this week, during the Cold War, the Americans
0:21:16 > 0:21:19were debating whether they should blow up the moon with nuclear weapons.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I didn't see what they thought the point of that would be.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23It's because Hans Blix told them
0:21:23 > 0:21:26the Clangers had weapons of mass destruction.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Obviously, the Little Boy was the bomb dropped on Hiroshima,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31so they were looking at something a lot bigger,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33It was called a Fat Man.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Would you like to see a picture of a Fat Man?- Yes.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38See? This is the actual one.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42You thought were going to show you something like this. No.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Who's that?- It's Eric Pickles.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49He's a member of the Cabinet. Have you ever heard of him?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Yes, I certainly have, but I didn't realise he was that large.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:02 > 0:22:04What was the reason why they wanted to do this?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I think it was sort of posturing.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10The Russians had launched Sputnik, so they wanted to make a statement
0:22:10 > 0:22:13and surprise the Russians by blowing up the moon!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- Yeah.- Sanity prevailed.- Yeah, because there were doubts over
0:22:18 > 0:22:22what effect a moon blast could have on Earth, including tidal patterns.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Talking of which, floods in this country have now got serious
0:22:26 > 0:22:29because a celebrity has been affected. Which celebrity?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- What are the initials?- PD.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Is it P Diddy?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- Paul Daniels.- Paul Daniels.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- Paul Daniels!- He lives by the River Thames.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- He lives on a little island.- Yeah.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Paul Daniels said this week that he was furious with the council
0:22:44 > 0:22:47and that his house was currently under about two foot of flooding.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51He's been flooded every year for years and he keeps moaning about it.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Get a sandbag, for God's sake!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59It's weird if you live next to the Thames and complain about flooding.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00It's like moving next to Ryan Giggs
0:23:00 > 0:23:02and complaining when he bangs your wife.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:07You surely knew when you moved into the area...
0:23:07 > 0:23:11This is America's plan in the 1950s to blow up the moon.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14The plan to fire a nuclear missile at the moon
0:23:14 > 0:23:15was codenamed:
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Although its purpose was later downgraded
0:23:18 > 0:23:22to finding a way of connecting Hertford and Stevenage.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27That is the actual road.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Meanwhile on Earth, the UK was again hit by widespread flooding.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33One of the people affected
0:23:33 > 0:23:36was magician Paul Daniels.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39The emergency services said, despite frantic efforts,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41they were running out of excuses not to rescue him.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44LAUGHTER
0:23:44 > 0:23:47And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51BUZZER
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Oh, this is the pigeon that they found in the chimney.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57It had a code. It had a code tied to its leg
0:23:57 > 0:24:00and they couldn't decipher it, but they've deciphered it now
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and it says, "Help, I am trapped in this chimney!"
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Yes, this is the news that so-called experts at GCHQ
0:24:06 > 0:24:09had failed to crack the coded message found attached
0:24:09 > 0:24:12to a World War II carrier pigeon's skeleton
0:24:12 > 0:24:14and are asking the public for their help.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16It would be great if we had someone that worked
0:24:16 > 0:24:19as a code-breaker during the war...
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Surely that would be no problem for you?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Enigma in a couple of years, a pigeon code,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- that couldn't be too hard? - Shall we have a look?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Yeah.- Here is a picture of the bird's foot,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- with the canister...- Yeah. - Oh, sorry,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32that's Yasser Arafat.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35AUDIENCE LAUGH AND HISS
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Safe journey home.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Would you like this show to go out as a tribute?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I want JLS at my funeral.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Is that some Palestinian group we haven't heard of?
0:24:53 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:58The message included 27 handwritten blocks of five letters,
0:24:58 > 0:24:59so do you know what it says?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- No.- No.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03On the subject of espionage,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06who applied for a job with MI5 this week?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08EastEnders.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Was it Dean Gaffney?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Yes. It was ex-EastEnders actor Dean Gaffney...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I don't even know who he is!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I just saw his name on a paper sometime this week.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- You don't know who Dean Gaffney is? - No.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21His King Lear, Royal Shakespeare Company,
0:25:21 > 0:25:24was one of the finest performances I have ever seen.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26He told the Sun:
0:25:27 > 0:25:30And to be fair to Dean,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32he's been keeping THAT a secret for some time.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER
0:25:35 > 0:25:38This is the World War II code
0:25:38 > 0:25:40found attached to the leg of a dead pigeon,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42which experts have so far failed to decipher
0:25:42 > 0:25:46apart from the words Dick Dastardly and Muttley.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47The Mirror asked its readers:
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Which they would do,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53only they were stuck on 12 across in the Mirror crossword.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Also this week, the Sun revealed that ex-EastEnders star
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Dean Gaffney has applied to MI5 for a job as a spy.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Gaffney was one of...
0:26:05 > 0:26:06- Daphne.- Daphne?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Did I call him Daphne?
0:26:08 > 0:26:12No, there was a wonderful woman spy who...
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Am I allowed to tell?- Yes, yes!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Her first job was in Moscow
0:26:19 > 0:26:22and she'd learnt her Russian off beautifully
0:26:22 > 0:26:24and she was sent out to a very grand dinner party
0:26:24 > 0:26:27and her neighbour turned to her and said,
0:26:27 > 0:26:31in Russian, of course, "What is your favourite sport?"
0:26:31 > 0:26:33And she said, "Swimming",
0:26:33 > 0:26:36and he looked absolutely horrified
0:26:36 > 0:26:38and so she tapped him on the shoulder
0:26:38 > 0:26:41and said "Long-distance swimming",
0:26:41 > 0:26:45and he gave a piercing shriek and never spoke to her again.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47At the end of dinner, the hostess said
0:26:47 > 0:26:50"Why did you say those terrible things to your neighbour?
0:26:50 > 0:26:54"He asked you what your favourite sport was and you said spitting!
0:26:56 > 0:26:58"And then you said long-distance spitting!"
0:27:00 > 0:27:04And that taught her to be very, very careful of what she said in future.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07She was a wonderful woman.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:14My hero.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Gaffney was one of a raft of rather Z-list celebs
0:27:17 > 0:27:19who came out to ask if their phones had been hacked
0:27:19 > 0:27:21when it was all kicking off.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Ah, bless, Dean, I don't think they can hack pay-as-you-go phones.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32BUZZER
0:27:34 > 0:27:37He looks as though he needs a good bra.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:40 > 0:27:43There was a spoof article somewhere in the States, I think,
0:27:43 > 0:27:47saying he was the most sexy, charming... wasn't he gorgeous...
0:27:47 > 0:27:49And the Chinese People's Daily printed this
0:27:49 > 0:27:51as though it was absolutely true!
0:27:51 > 0:27:54And their suspicions weren't roused by the previous winners.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59- Which included Assad...- Yes. - ...of Syria
0:27:59 > 0:28:02and Piers Morgan.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04LAUGHTER
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- I've made that bit up.- I have the description that they gave
0:28:07 > 0:28:10of Kim Jong-un which was:
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Yeah, that's fair.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Who wants this last After Eight mint?
0:28:23 > 0:28:25LAUGHTER
0:28:25 > 0:28:28I'm having it, I'm having it!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Having fallen for the hoax,
0:28:30 > 0:28:33the People's Daily published some pictures of him.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37It was a 55-page photo spread in tribute to the North Korean leader,
0:28:37 > 0:28:39which included pictures of him looking gorgeous,
0:28:39 > 0:28:41waving at a parade...
0:28:41 > 0:28:44yeah, you work it, baby!
0:28:44 > 0:28:47And looking gorgeous on horseback.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50So, we might not have found the World's Sexiest Man,
0:28:50 > 0:28:53but we have found the World's Strongest Horse.
0:28:53 > 0:28:58Why should you never trust a North Korean with a Parker pen?
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Because they can secrete one or two hypodermic syringes in them.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03It certainly had a dart in it that could:
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Didn't the Bulgarians do it with umbrellas?
0:29:09 > 0:29:10- Umbrellas?- Georgi Markov.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13- Remember that one?- But a pen is easier to carry around...
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Well, you've got to get quite close,
0:29:15 > 0:29:19a little jab with the old brolly, on a windswept bridge...
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Back of the leg - WHOOMP!
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Have you killed a man?
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Name a weekend when he hasn't!
0:29:29 > 0:29:33That's why we never see the people that leave The Apprentice early.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39- That's it.- Why should you never trust someone with a hot nose?
0:29:39 > 0:29:43- Why shouldn't you trust someone with a hot nose?- Liars.- Really?- Yeah.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45It's a report from the University of Granada
0:29:45 > 0:29:49and they have claimed that a rise in anxiety produced by lying:
0:29:53 > 0:29:55- Really?- It's the Pinocchio effect.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57I knew it was long, I didn't know it was hot.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59It's hot and long.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06This makes fascinating reading...
0:30:07 > 0:30:10China's state-run paper, The People's Daily,
0:30:10 > 0:30:13has fallen for the Onion's online spoof
0:30:13 > 0:30:15naming Kim Jong-un as the sexiest man alive.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17The Onion is unavailable in North Korea,
0:30:17 > 0:30:19along with all other basic foodstuffs.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:30:26 > 0:30:27BUZZER
0:30:27 > 0:30:29- We say it's Andrew Marr. - It is Andrew Marr.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Ah, yes, I know this, I saw this.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34The naturists of Great Britain complained that he was distorting
0:30:34 > 0:30:37history by showing people from thousands of years ago
0:30:37 > 0:30:39walking around wearing clothes when they wore no clothes at all.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41It's more corruption at the BBC.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Exactly that, a cover-up.
0:30:44 > 0:30:49This is exactly the problem that has been brought up by British Naturism.
0:30:49 > 0:30:50They say apparently,
0:30:50 > 0:30:54the Australian Aborigines did not wear loincloths,
0:30:54 > 0:30:57the Caribbean tribes did not wear shorts and dresses,
0:30:57 > 0:31:00while early tribes in Africa did not wear bikinis.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03- Why do they always play ping-pong? - Who?- Naturists.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11It's quite a soft ball, isn't it, if an accident were to occur?
0:31:11 > 0:31:13I'd rather be hit in the balls
0:31:13 > 0:31:16with a ping-pong ball than, say, a tennis ball.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Talking about that, my little grandson has a bit of a lisp
0:31:19 > 0:31:22and he said, "I've been kicked in the cweam cwackers."
0:31:22 > 0:31:24- I thought it was rather sweet. - It's lovely!
0:31:24 > 0:31:27He then said, "Somebody kicked me in the peanuths."
0:31:27 > 0:31:28Should we not be concerned
0:31:28 > 0:31:32about who's assaulting him on a regular basis?
0:31:32 > 0:31:34Continuing with British naturism,
0:31:34 > 0:31:37would anyone like to see a typical member, a Johnson?
0:31:37 > 0:31:40That's Brian Johnson, British naturist and mountaineer.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43Lovely view of the Cairngorms.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46What excuse did the BBC give for the cover-up?
0:31:46 > 0:31:48You can't trust a naked woman with Andrew Marr.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53According to the Telegraph, it had been:
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Which is the same reason they didn't ever film Andrew Marr in HD.
0:32:04 > 0:32:09This isn't the only story about covering people up this week.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13There has been another controversy with another much-loved show.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16- Mr Hewer, would you care to explain?- What?
0:32:16 > 0:32:18People covering up on Countdown.
0:32:18 > 0:32:22- Covering up? Oh! Rachel Riley.- No.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29It was a recent contestant called Duncan Conway.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31He had a very hairy chest and he was told that he had to cover it up.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33According to the Scottish Daily Record...
0:32:41 > 0:32:44- Oh!- Many Countdown viewers went straight to the phone to complain,
0:32:44 > 0:32:45but by the time they got there
0:32:45 > 0:32:49they'd forgotten why they went into the room in the first place.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Is that him? Do you know, I've never seen that bloke in my life.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Never seen him before?
0:32:54 > 0:32:58- They pour through, it's like a constant river.- Yeah, exactly.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00- Contestants, they shovel them through.- Put them straight on...
0:33:00 > 0:33:02We're using very nice language.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05They put them in the set, they answer the questions,
0:33:05 > 0:33:07then they're tasered and put into a truck,
0:33:07 > 0:33:09dropped off in Leeds in the middle of the night.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12They've no idea where they are but most make their way home.
0:33:12 > 0:33:13- We film in Manchester.- Oh.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16- And... - But other than that, all right!
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Yes, this is the latest BBC scandal,
0:33:19 > 0:33:23this time over full frontal nudity and their failure to show it
0:33:23 > 0:33:25to a peak-time family audience on BBC One.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27In the BBC's defence, it's impossible to know for a fact
0:33:27 > 0:33:31if people from ancient civilisations would have actually worn clothes,
0:33:31 > 0:33:33unless of course there's anyone can remember...
0:33:33 > 0:33:35Perhaps they had very long beards.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42APPLAUSE
0:33:42 > 0:33:45It was also revealed this week that a contestant on Countdown
0:33:45 > 0:33:48was told by Channel 4 to cover up his offensive chest hair.
0:33:48 > 0:33:49It was so distracting
0:33:49 > 0:33:52that viewers almost forgot to look down Rachel Riley's top.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59The thing is, I'm right opposite her
0:33:59 > 0:34:02and it's so difficult not to appear to be, you know, staring.
0:34:02 > 0:34:07- It really is difficult. She probably thinks I'm sort of pervy.- Yeah.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10- Which I'm not.- No, you're not, no, it's professional interest.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14You've definitely done a good deal to dispel that, though,
0:34:14 > 0:34:16by saying that.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19I'm very proud of it and I'm contemplating another contract,
0:34:19 > 0:34:22so don't spoil it, Jack!
0:34:22 > 0:34:25I'm not going to. I love Countdown.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Daddy likes it, he told me.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30I find it really weird when you say "Daddy."
0:34:30 > 0:34:33You do speak to your daddy and you call him Daddy,
0:34:33 > 0:34:35and I think it's charming.
0:34:35 > 0:34:39Your father is one of the most amusing men I've ever met
0:34:39 > 0:34:42and I hope he's watching this, in a strange sort of way.
0:34:42 > 0:34:43He might be, yeah.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46What do you mean, "in a strange sort of way?" With his head in a bucket?
0:34:48 > 0:34:51Time now for the missing words round, which this week
0:34:51 > 0:34:53features as a guest publication,
0:34:53 > 0:34:55The Newsletter of Ophthalmic Antiques.
0:34:55 > 0:34:56We start with:
0:35:00 > 0:35:02Smoke inside.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11- You were a smoker, weren't you, Baroness?- And how.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- When did you give up? - Just roughly...- Oh, at about 102.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19- What do you do now after sex? - What did I what?
0:35:21 > 0:35:22What do you smoke?
0:35:24 > 0:35:26- Cigars.- Cigars!
0:35:29 > 0:35:32APPLAUSE
0:35:40 > 0:35:42What were the chances of us getting that right?
0:35:47 > 0:35:51I think it's Baroness Trumpington's list of things to do.
0:35:55 > 0:35:56That's exactly what it is.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Stupid mascots.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11The answer is:
0:36:13 > 0:36:15Oh, for God's sakes!
0:36:17 > 0:36:19This is a new mascot school in Japan.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Most football teams these days have a mascot.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23For example, Sunderland have this...
0:36:23 > 0:36:27It's a black cat. At least, I think that's what John Terry called it.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Biscuits.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46- Is this Iceland, the country?- No!
0:36:47 > 0:36:51Thousands of blocks of cheese have been stolen from Iceland,
0:36:51 > 0:36:54causing literally tens of pounds' worth of damage.
0:36:59 > 0:37:00Brothel!
0:37:01 > 0:37:03Anti-Mugabe weapon.
0:37:06 > 0:37:07The correct answer is:
0:37:11 > 0:37:14The vehicle is going to be used for hen nights and stag dos,
0:37:14 > 0:37:15though the owners insist:
0:37:19 > 0:37:21No condom machine, I'm guessing!
0:37:27 > 0:37:28Rebekah Brooks.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34- Oh, is it a bird?- Yes.- Pigeon? - Bigger.
0:37:34 > 0:37:35- Emu?- Correct.
0:37:35 > 0:37:40That is a bird. According to one of the police officers on the scene:
0:37:44 > 0:37:46Come on, if you're just about to arrest an aggressive emu,
0:37:46 > 0:37:48you're bound to be a little bit nervous.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54Didn't you run the Department of Agriculture for a while?
0:37:54 > 0:37:57Exactly. Five and a half years in agriculture
0:37:57 > 0:38:01and I absolutely loved it, I really did.
0:38:01 > 0:38:06And I'm very keen on a new charity that has been formed
0:38:06 > 0:38:11to try and help young farmers starting up in a very cold world.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Does that fit in that gap?
0:38:14 > 0:38:19I'm extremely glad to give him a plug, frankly. Lord Plumb.
0:38:19 > 0:38:23- Was that the Lord Plumb that was chairman of the NFU?- Absolutely.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25- He was the best voice the farmers ever had.- There you are.
0:38:25 > 0:38:30Didn't he get killed in the drawing room with the candlestick?
0:38:30 > 0:38:32- Sadly not.- He's...
0:38:33 > 0:38:36- That's a ridiculous suggestion. - No, bad taste.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38Sorry.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42The answer is the most pointless internet craze yet.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45This is a new craze which began in Newcastle,
0:38:45 > 0:38:51in which people buy milk, then tip it over their heads for no reason whatsoever.
0:38:51 > 0:38:52Let's have a look.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54- Milk?- Milk.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57How funny. Good lord.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59All over their heads.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02The next thing, they'll be doing it in Trafalgar Square.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05Baroness T, have you ever milked?
0:39:05 > 0:39:07Mind your own business.
0:39:11 > 0:39:12My father had a goat.
0:39:16 > 0:39:17And he used to milk it.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20The hind legs have got to be higher than the fore legs
0:39:20 > 0:39:23and you can only milk it while sitting on a three-legged stool.
0:39:23 > 0:39:28And never touch a billy goat because you can never get the smell off you.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30Why would you be attempting to milk a billy goat?
0:39:32 > 0:39:34People do make mistakes.
0:39:36 > 0:39:42And finally, Elton John's prescription in the late '70s was?
0:39:42 > 0:39:45Slightly stronger in the left than the right eye.
0:39:48 > 0:39:53Oh, I hope that's right. It's the most boring answer we've ever had!
0:39:53 > 0:39:59The answer is:
0:39:59 > 0:40:02This is from ophthalmic antiques newsletter
0:40:02 > 0:40:05describing Elton's worries about his eyesight.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09The article continues...
0:40:09 > 0:40:11You're telling me - it burnt off half his hair!
0:40:13 > 0:40:18So, the final scores are, Ian and Baroness Trumpington have six points
0:40:18 > 0:40:22but our winners are Paul and Nick with eight points.
0:40:22 > 0:40:26APPLAUSE
0:40:30 > 0:40:35- But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.- Oh.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Say something.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42Man has sex with elephant using telephone box as condom.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Is it a trunk call?
0:40:46 > 0:40:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:51 > 0:40:54I leave you with news that there's embarrassment on his first day at work
0:40:54 > 0:40:57as the new Archbishop of Canterbury locks himself out.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04High above the streets of London after suffering a breakdown,
0:41:04 > 0:41:07a stressed out Dale Winton is gently coaxed back to safety.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14And, as he finally returns from politics,
0:41:14 > 0:41:17Ken Livingstone throws a party for all of his friends and admirers.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Good night.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd