0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Mitchell.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46In the news this week, Andrew Marr announces the shock news
0:00:46 > 0:00:49that the Pet Shop Boys have converted to Islam.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51NO SOUND
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Looking out of the bedroom window in his Sheffield constituency,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Nick Clegg regrets saying that he'll be
0:01:02 > 0:01:05leader of the Liberal Democrats till the cows come home.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25And in Bedfordshire, outside the home of Nadine Dorries,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28a reporter is on hand to witness the after-effects
0:01:28 > 0:01:29of her Bushtucker Trial.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31NO SOUND
0:01:34 > 0:01:39With Ian tonight is a Scottish comedian who was recently described
0:01:39 > 0:01:41as infectious and bubbly,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44which either makes her the perfect guest, or she's got the norovirus.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Please welcome Susan Calman.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:56And with Paul is a journalist and broadcaster who recently
0:01:56 > 0:01:58published a book about how to get what you want out of life,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01which was a great success if what she wanted
0:02:01 > 0:02:02was a pile of remaindered books.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Please welcome Janet Street-Porter.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- And we start with the bigger stories of the week.- Yeah, great.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17SUSAN: George Osborne. Oh.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It's just Handsome Hunks Friday.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24This is the Autumn Statement, which was quite cheery.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28George Osborne announced that it's not as bad as you think.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29It's worse.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34It's just so gloomy, it's unbelievable. Everything's up -
0:02:34 > 0:02:37misery, austerity, poverty.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40It sort of makes you yearn for when people said,
0:02:40 > 0:02:44"No, things are going to get better and it'll be all right. He just said, "No, it's terrible.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47"Until 2018, it's just awful."
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- He should have just thrown his paper and gone,- "BLEEP- it. Why bother?"
0:02:51 > 0:02:53So, that's his prediction, is it?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56No, no. He's changed his predictions.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58His previous predictions unfortunately weren't true.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Or didn't come true. His new predictions are much more realistic.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- Are they?- Yeah, he says it's going to be really awful.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08He says there will be negative growth for the end of 2012
0:03:08 > 0:03:10which means it's a triple-dip recession.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14- Sounds like a delicious ice-cream. - We have got growth.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19We've got the Duchess of Cambridge, she's having growth on our behalf.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22And she will be a beacon in my life
0:03:22 > 0:03:26as I see my pension fund I started now worth three peanuts and a bauble...
0:03:28 > 0:03:35- ..as I slowly rot in my shed.- You're not going to slowly rot in a shed.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Those are comforting words as we approach Christmas.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43There's always someone worse off than yourself,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45as the Queen often reflects.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49What did Ed Balls say about all this?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- He got it all wrong, didn't he? - He did, yeah.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55I didn't see it myself, but he got the opening phrases all a bit wrong.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56He said...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02That was his zinger against the Government.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05They just sat there and they laughed at him.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06But then there was discussion
0:04:06 > 0:04:09about whether all this wasn't down to his stammer.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12He said, "It makes it much worse when people shout at me."
0:04:12 > 0:04:15It's so stressful and difficult, isn't it,
0:04:15 > 0:04:16all the numbers and adding it up
0:04:16 > 0:04:19and, "Is it going up or going down?" And, "Who should we tax?"
0:04:19 > 0:04:21And then people are shouting at you.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24It is very unfair on poor old Ed Balls and it's been months
0:04:24 > 0:04:27since he's managed to find time to buy some sausage rolls for himself.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31And he's got a terrible job, because he has been saying,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"Look, we don't need to cut the debt this fast."
0:04:34 > 0:04:37And the Government's going, "No, we haven't cut it, because we're useless."
0:04:37 > 0:04:40So he has to get up and say, "You...haven't..."
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"You've failed to do the thing
0:04:42 > 0:04:45"I told you would be a disaster if you did it!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- "And it's a disaster!"- Yeah.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48No wonder he stammered.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50It's basically very sporting of him,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52on the day that George Osborne gets up
0:04:52 > 0:04:55and shows himself to be an idiot who knows nothing,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58to say, "I'll join in with you, George.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00"It seems like the alternative is possibly worse."
0:05:00 > 0:05:03So essentially, they're two incompetents pointlessly shouting
0:05:03 > 0:05:07at each other with no power to change anything for any of us.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- That's a summary, yeah. - At least they get on.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13They're great mates in real life.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Do you want to see them sharing a joke on the Andrew Marr Show?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22What's the size of our national debt?
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- A trillion, now, isn't it? - Yes. How many zeros is that?- Eight.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27- No.- 15.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29No, in between.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Seven.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34- 12.- 12.
0:05:34 > 0:05:3712 zeros. We used to call that a billion.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- But we should probably go back to that.- Let's devalue it!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42If we go back to the old, British billion,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45then we've suddenly got a 1000th of the debt we thought we did.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Would you like to see how the Daily Express explained
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- to its readers where all the money goes?- Yeah.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52They used this simple diagram.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57It's actually very similar budgetary analysis to that which
0:05:57 > 0:05:59appeared in the previous day's Guardian.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03That's one in the eye for the Express's detractors
0:06:03 > 0:06:06who say they haven't got a colour photocopier.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10What's happened to the average household?
0:06:10 > 0:06:11It's been demolished!
0:06:14 > 0:06:17According to Ed Balls, they've lost £20,000.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Down the sofa, or...?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23No, well, apparently, its weekly expenditure has gone up.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28Average spend per household increased to £483.60 a week
0:06:28 > 0:06:29according to the Independent.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Which successful international businessman
0:06:38 > 0:06:41and even more successful tax avoider
0:06:41 > 0:06:44did George Osborne invite to Downing Street recently?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Philip Green.- No.- Oh, it always is.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48But it wasn't on this occasion.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I think Philip Green's probably got an open invitation.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- He can just pop round.- Yes. - Is it someone from Google?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- One of the tax avoiders? - No, it is not.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Although obviously Google ARE tax avoiders.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59It's Dr Dre,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02who I assume is an eminent surgeon.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Who's been trying to ingratiate themselves with the Exchequer this week?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- Starbucks.- Yes.- They've said they're going to pay some tax.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- It's incredibly good of them.- Yes.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Consumers all shunned Starbucks
0:07:17 > 0:07:20and now they've had a think
0:07:20 > 0:07:22and they're going to pay some tax.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24They had one of those blinding moments of conscience
0:07:24 > 0:07:28where you thought, "I'm going to lose money unless I give in."
0:07:28 > 0:07:30And what happened on Monday this week
0:07:30 > 0:07:32to show that we weren't going to stand any more
0:07:32 > 0:07:35of Amazon's tax avoidance in particular?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38It's the biggest day of shopping, online shopping,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41in the whole year and they call it something like Cyber Monday.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44They call it Mega Monday. Who decided that?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Er, Amazon.- Amazon.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I'm sure it's a press release from them, which is just copied out.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51If Woolworths had just put out a press release saying,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"It's Pick'N'Mix Thursday."
0:07:53 > 0:07:55"All right, fair enough."
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- "It's Bankrupt Wednesday!"- Yeah.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01It's an ethical minefield just now of where you get things from.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- An ethical minefield?!- It's an ethical...- I thought minefields were unethical.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09It's becoming increasingly difficult this Christmas
0:08:09 > 0:08:13if you're meant to be, you know, good about things.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Not going to Starbucks, not buying anything from Amazon, not using Google...
0:08:16 > 0:08:19What to do for Christmas time. So, this year...
0:08:19 > 0:08:23May I suggest a subscription to a popular fortnightly magazine?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30I used to go into Starbucks to use the toilets and purchase something.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32That's not an option open to me any longer.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I'm having to go places I never thought
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I would go to go to the toilet.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Have you thought about having a toilet fitted in your own home?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Actually, one thing we can all do is, without conscience,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50use a Starbucks loo whenever we bloody well feel like it.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- Cos we sort of have paid.- Yeah.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54You know, particularly if what you want to do, you know,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56you wouldn't want to do in your own loo.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01There was no let up for people on benefits either.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03They're getting a 1% rise before inflation,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06so that's actually a 2% cut.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07But, you know, it sounds nice.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Do you remember what Osborne said about people on benefits
0:09:10 > 0:09:12at the party conference in October?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14They're the skivers, not the thrivers.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17That's better than what he said. He said...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- SUSAN: Oh, yeah. - How will any comedy get written?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27What can the people of Stevenage tell us
0:09:27 > 0:09:29about the sort of desperate times we're in?
0:09:29 > 0:09:30"We live in Stevenage."
0:09:33 > 0:09:37No, the people of Stevenage have been desperately seeking
0:09:37 > 0:09:40a winning lottery ticket for a £64 million jackpot,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43which has disappeared. According to the Telegraph...
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Well, that will make all the poor people of Stevenage
0:09:57 > 0:09:58feel really great(!)
0:09:58 > 0:10:01A Lamborghini going past every five minutes,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04while they're sitting at home with the blinds drawn.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Can't even afford proper blinds. They have to be drawn.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14And what can the people of Europe tell us about these desperate times?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Not much!
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Well, four countries - Poland, Portugal, Greece and Cyprus -
0:10:20 > 0:10:24have pulled out of the Eurovision Song Contest in case they win it.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27It's very expensive if you win it.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29And, obviously, in this country,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31we have our own way of ensuring that that doesn't happen!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36One Greek official claimed that...
0:10:40 > 0:10:42..as he stuffed it down his trousers.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46And finally, what did David Cameron do on the doorstep
0:10:46 > 0:10:49of Downing Street to cheer us all up this week?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Was he seen delivering his own milk?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54What's that a euphemism for?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Um, no, I don't know. What did he do? Did he sort of...
0:10:58 > 0:11:02He announced Christmas was early this year? Or brought out the bunting?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Clicked his heels in the air.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07He did bring out the bunting, in a way.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- He turned on the Christmas lights. - Ah, lovely.- In his own house?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Outside his own house.- Oh, outside.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16In his own private street surrounded by security guards.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Let's have a look.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Ten. Nine.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Eight. Seven.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- CROWD:- Six. Five.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Four. Three. Two.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28One.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38It's not the Olympic opening ceremony all over again, is it?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Is not very encouraging for our energy policy, is it?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44But the entertainment didn't end there.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Here are some people from the X Factor
0:11:46 > 0:11:49and they're going to sing Silent Night.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50# Holy infant
0:11:50 > 0:11:55# So tender and mild
0:11:55 > 0:12:02# Sleep in heavenly peace
0:12:02 > 0:12:08# Sleep in heavenly peace. #
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Well, they must be from a foreign country because I understood that
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Britain's got talent.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19It's one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23APPLAUSE
0:12:23 > 0:12:26So, yes, this is George Osborne's Autumn Statement
0:12:26 > 0:12:29that the number of paddles we have available to negotiate
0:12:29 > 0:12:33this particular creek has been revised downwards to none.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37The Chancellor announced a plan to target super-rich tax evaders.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41If you want to go online to find out who the super-rich tax avoiders are,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44just go to Google and...it's them.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Of course, we're not the only country taking austerity measures.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52According to the BBC News website,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55America will soon be facing a fiscal cliff.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Oh, Lord. He hasn't brought out another Christmas single?!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Also this week, it was revealed that the owner of a winning
0:13:03 > 0:13:07lottery ticket worth 64 million hasn't come forward.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09The ticket was bought in Stevenage or Hitchin,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12so if you're watching in either of those two towns,
0:13:12 > 0:13:14the numbers are...
0:13:18 > 0:13:22And Lucky Star numbers 9 and 11.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Oh, and one other thing, the deadline to claim has passed.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37And so to round two, the One-Armed Bandit of News.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46BELL
0:13:46 > 0:13:49SUSAN: It's a dog on a motorised scooter.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55- If by that you mean this is the news that dogs can drive...- Yes!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- Then you're right. - Yes, that's what I said.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02- Shall we have a look at a dog driving a car?- No.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Has the RSPCA been informed?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27That dog's clearly been stapled to the driving seat.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30But when they see another dog passing by,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33will they have a tendency to sniff each other's exhaust?
0:14:35 > 0:14:41It gives extra legs to Top Gear - Dog In A Reasonably Priced Car.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Maybe that would solve the economy, if we simply swapped with dogs.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- Yeah, make them work. - They do all the stuff, they can work out the budget...
0:14:49 > 0:14:52We go and have a crap in the park and it's their problem.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Clear it up, mate.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58What other innovation, apart from dogs replacing humans?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- Is it an animal-based thing? - It's not.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05I don't think dogs will have any use for it when they take over society.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10- It's a tie that can do something special.- Make soup.- Not make soup.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15- Drink soup.- You can store soup in it.- Store soup in a tie?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- Good. I want ten of them. - Well, have a look.
0:15:17 > 0:15:23It's a tie that doubles as a flask. You fill it up like this.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Doesn't have to be soup, can be whisky. And then, voila!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34You get caught driving home of a night.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37"Excuse me, sir, have you been drinking your tie?"
0:15:37 > 0:15:40"I let the dog drive."
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Yes, it looks like fun, but it's a slippery slope.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48Before you know it, you're in the stationery cupboard with a heroine cravat.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56BELL
0:15:56 > 0:15:58That's Kim Jong-un.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- It is indeed.- And he's turned into a unicorn which is a story I missed.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06It's nearly that odd.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09It's a peculiar ball placed at the back, looks like the tube's been
0:16:09 > 0:16:12inserted into him. Like one of those fairground things where
0:16:12 > 0:16:15a jet of hot air keeps a ping-pong ball in place.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19It is in fact the news that a unicorn lair has been discovered...
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- The news?!- ..in North Korea.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25This is according to the Korean Central News Agency
0:16:25 > 0:16:30who in terms of reliability are the Philip Schofield of the Orient.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Yes, they say they've discovered a unicorn's lair.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37How do they know it's a unicorn's lair and not someone else's lair?
0:16:37 > 0:16:42- Do you mean a unicorn layer or... - L-A-I-R.- Oh, right.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- Not like a layer... - I thought they'd excavated.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Upmarket dessert from Harrods. Layer of unicorn.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50No. It's...
0:16:55 > 0:17:00That's how you know. It was labelled. It was clearly labelled.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Why MIGHT this be nonsense?
0:17:05 > 0:17:11It's possible that unicorns may not have ever existed.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I never like to make broad statements, but...
0:17:14 > 0:17:17You know what happened to them. They missed the Ark.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- So they were wiped out because they were unpunctual.- Yep. - According to the Telegraph...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Apart from inventing unicorns, what else is North Korea up to?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- Weaponry.- Weaponry. Yes.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- It's planning to launch... - A nuclear bomb.- ..a scary new rocket.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43In the British press, it was reported very differently.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44The Independent went with...
0:17:47 > 0:17:48The Telegraph had...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52And the Sun...
0:17:55 > 0:17:58APPLAUSE
0:18:00 > 0:18:04The man threatening the world with nuclear Armageddon is,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06like his father, notoriously short.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09So here we are facing a Cuban heels missile crisis.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19That is a joke. According to BBC news...
0:18:23 > 0:18:28It's called that because the rocket only goes SOHAE before crashing back to the ground.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37BUZZER
0:18:37 > 0:18:41I think it's Lord Leveson, isn't it? There was something they quoted in the report that came
0:18:41 > 0:18:44from Wikipedia and they hadn't bothered checking the source of it.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46The founder of the Independent, wasn't it?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- They got a completely fictitious person.- Yes. According to...
0:18:50 > 0:18:54It was quite embarrassing when you've done 200 million words
0:18:54 > 0:18:57about checking your facts and standards of accuracy,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00to quote from Wiki and get it wrong.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I mean, the press haven't behaved awfully well,
0:19:03 > 0:19:04but that is quite amusing.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07PAUL LAUGHS It was funny because the guy
0:19:07 > 0:19:09was only ever in Wikipedia cos his friend put him
0:19:09 > 0:19:12in all sorts of entries in Wikipedia as a joke.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15His name was Brett Straub.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18It said, "The founders of the Independent newspaper were
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"Andreas Whittam Smith, Stephen Glover and Brett Straub."
0:19:22 > 0:19:26And Lord Leveson wrote this... Well, cut and pasted into the report.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30So it's there. And obviously, all the people who've said
0:19:30 > 0:19:33we've got to have Leveson in its entirety
0:19:33 > 0:19:37means Brett Straub has to become a founder editor of the Independent.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Let's have a look at the three founders according to Lord Leveson.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Andreas Whittam Smith. - Distinguished journalist.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Stephen Glover.- Equally.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47And Brett Straub.
0:19:50 > 0:19:57It was a prank whereby Brett's name was inserted every time his friend came across a red link.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Red links on Wikipedia are given to people who are not important enough to have an entry of their own,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04which explains why Brett Straub is also the leader of the Lib Dems.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Yes, this is the fallout from the Leveson report.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11It emerged that the Leveson report included false information
0:20:11 > 0:20:13taken from Wikipedia. Honestly, you'd have thought
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Leveson would have learnt to be more thorough
0:20:16 > 0:20:19from his years as a detective in Chicago during the Prohibition era.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22At least that's what I read on Wikipedia.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32BUZZER
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Is it a perfume...?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Infidelity!
0:20:36 > 0:20:37No, it isn't.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41When it smells like you've been somewhere else.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50It's something to do with how women can tell when men are unfaithful.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Is it a follow-up to Movember?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56You just stamp things on your head.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Men are thinking about infidelity all the time. Ten times a day they think about infidelity.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04- Why don't they just think about sex? - I don't know.- Surely infidelity is more complicated.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07It's got more syllables in it, hasn't it? So you can't think about it as often.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12Infidelity, infidelity, infidelity. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16This is the news... According to a new study, women can tell
0:21:16 > 0:21:19if a man has been unfaithful just by looking at the shape of his face.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21LAUGHTER
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Can you explain this rhomboid look, Malcolm?
0:21:26 > 0:21:30So, if they've been boffing someone they shouldn't have,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33they come out and suddenly they're like...aaaahhh.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37There should be a regulator for infidelity, OFBOFF.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38LAUGHTER
0:21:38 > 0:21:41According to the Mail...
0:21:49 > 0:21:52So, if you're a man, then?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Another pointless study claims to have debunked
0:21:55 > 0:21:57a popular myth about men and women this week.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Any idea what that is?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00They get on?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03This survey, according to the Telegraph, this survey says...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Yes, now what most women do, apparently,
0:22:15 > 0:22:20this has been scientifically proven in a study by Penis Monthly.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Women look at a man and look at their, erm...
0:22:22 > 0:22:24area.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26They automatically look at it.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30To see whether or not it is going to do the business for them.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Honestly.- Can you tell that through trousers?- Yes.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38- No, you can't! I made a terrible mistake.- She made a terrible mistake!
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- I can vouch for the fact... - She can vouch for it.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43II...
0:22:43 > 0:22:47I met a bloke who had a square jaw and looked all right, body image.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I had... Obviously I didn't have a fumble or a feel,
0:22:50 > 0:22:54but I looked, and I felt reasonably confident...
0:22:54 > 0:22:57that I was going to get some exciting action.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Did you say that to yourself? "Janet, I'm reasonably confident."
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I am reasonably confident that the evening would end in,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- something worth spending time with. - Yeah.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Button mushroom.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Well, at least you got something to eat.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18A new study...
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Have we been recording so long it's turned into Loose Women?
0:23:25 > 0:23:29A new study suggests that women ogle women more than men do.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33According to the Telegraph, the man behind the study was...
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Because if anyone is going to crack the mysteries of human sexual
0:23:39 > 0:23:42interaction, it's a computer science PhD student.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Which means...
0:23:44 > 0:23:47At the end of this round, both teams have four points.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50APPLAUSE
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Time now for the Odd One Out round. One between you this week.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Your four are - Bill Nighy,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Jonathan Edwards,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Lasha Pataraya and whales.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07BUZZER
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I think Jonathan Edwards, top right, he's the odd one out
0:24:10 > 0:24:13because he's the only one who's gone to seek his fortune in London.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16He's got a little stick over his head and a bag...
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Bottom left is pulling that truck with his ears - is it about ears?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- It is about ears.- A whale hasn't got any ears, clearly.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I know that Bill Nighy...
0:24:25 > 0:24:28His ears are wonky, that's why his glasses won't go on properly.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32- They've all got one ear... - No, they've all got two ears...
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- ..apart from him. - He's got two ears.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36One of them's a whale.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40There's no doubt that that does work.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42But can you pick which one?
0:24:42 > 0:24:46The guy on the bottom left is the odd one out because he's been
0:24:46 > 0:24:49given his own Channel 5 series where he just pulls things with his ears.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- You've got the right answer, but for the wrong reason.- Oh!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55It's a Channel 4 series?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58LAUGHTER
0:24:58 > 0:25:00No, I'll tell you.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03They have all gone to extreme lengths to protect their ears,
0:25:03 > 0:25:08apart from Lasha Pataraya who used one of his ears to tow an eight-ton truck.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Here he is afterwards.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11LAUGHTER
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- What else has he done with his ear? - Oh, Christ!
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- I mean similar stuff. - He's pulled other things.- Yeah.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- Yeah, he's pulled a two-ton bus. - An aeroplane.- No, he hasn't.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24He's pathetic, actually!
0:25:25 > 0:25:30- He's hauled an eight-ton helicopter. - It was near.- Yeah.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33And once he was even sitting next to Janet at a dinner party.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Here he is afterwards.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40But yes, so he takes no care of his ears.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Bill Nighy needed medical treatment for his ears after using loo roll.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47He used makeshift earplugs to block out
0:25:47 > 0:25:50the noise of an nightclub whilst staying in a hotel.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53He woke up in the morning finding only one piece.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55He told the Sun...
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Jonathan Edwards, the ex-athlete and BBC anchorman,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05protected his ears from the noise at the London Olympic Village this year
0:26:05 > 0:26:08with something usually used to protect something else.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- Do you know what this is? - Condom.- Yes.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12According to the Daily Star,
0:26:12 > 0:26:18he resorted to using the free condoms on offer at the Olympic Village as ear plugs
0:26:18 > 0:26:21to drown out his noisy neighbours. Which would have been fine
0:26:21 > 0:26:24if he also hadn't used the free ear plugs as contraceptives.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Scientists have discovered that whales can decrease
0:26:28 > 0:26:32the sensitivity of their hearing to protect their ears from loud noise.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35The good news is this cuts out a lot of man-made noise pollution,
0:26:35 > 0:26:40but the bad news is they react slower to a Japanese harpoonist shouting, "There's one!"
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Talking of whales, what's happening here?
0:26:43 > 0:26:47This is a party of people who have set to sea in that boat
0:26:47 > 0:26:48specifically to spot whales.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53They've been given some good local knowledge and are looking away from us to spot a whale.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56The whale...is behind them. LAUGHTER
0:26:56 > 0:26:59It's fantastic. It's off Cork, isn't it?
0:26:59 > 0:27:02There were these humpback whales...
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Just taking the piss, really.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09I would love to hear the conversation they're having, standing there going,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12"This is so boring, we're never going to see anything.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15"There's nothing here. Did you hear a splash?"
0:27:15 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Yes, they have all gone to extreme lengths to protect their ears,
0:27:20 > 0:27:25apart from Lasha Pataraya who used one of his ears to tow an eight-ton truck.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27According to Metro,
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Pataraya is waiting to hear from the Guinness Book of Records.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33They're probably phoning him every day.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Take the bandage off, mate.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38According to the Daily Star, during the London Olympics...
0:27:41 > 0:27:44When the story came out, Jonathan Edwards was teased
0:27:44 > 0:27:47mercilessly, much to the amusement of his fellow Olympians.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- You could say he was ribbed for their pleasure.- Aw!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:28:00There's no sensible reason for sticking condoms in your ears,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03unless I suppose you are trying to prevent the spread of hearing aids.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05GROANING
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:28:09 > 0:28:13which this week features as its guest publication Badger News.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Yeah! Bring it on!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17- It's a gas.- Yeah(!)
0:28:17 > 0:28:19We start with...
0:28:24 > 0:28:25Badgers.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Yeah. Hungry, cold and parasitical badger
0:28:27 > 0:28:29checked over for the following.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32It is badger cubs, in fact.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34What about the Scouts?
0:28:35 > 0:28:37This is...badgering cubs,
0:28:37 > 0:28:40a lot of it happened in the '70s but it's not...
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- This is an item in... - GROANING
0:28:43 > 0:28:45This is an item in Badger News.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48The same article goes on to describe a second incident...
0:28:58 > 0:29:04No wonder there's so much bloody crime in this country! Next.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09I've seen this written before on a toilet wall
0:29:09 > 0:29:12and it was press one for pleasure, press two for more pleasure,
0:29:12 > 0:29:16but that's just Scottish service stations for you.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18No, it's press one for...
0:29:22 > 0:29:27- Is this the National Health Service? - LAUGHTER
0:29:27 > 0:29:30No, this is a hotline set up to cope with the growing
0:29:30 > 0:29:32demand for exorcisms.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34If you're a worried parent and fear your children may be
0:29:34 > 0:29:38possessed by the devil, there's a simple way of finding out.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Listen. They're not.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43Next...
0:29:44 > 0:29:46Nun roughly.
0:29:48 > 0:29:49To Twitter.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53- It is takes to Twitter.- Of course the Pope has joined Twitter.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57If anyone is in a position to tweet the name of a paedophile, it's him.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59GROANS
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Next...
0:30:02 > 0:30:06Dr Roger Munt's parents say sorry to Dr Roger Munt.
0:30:06 > 0:30:07LAUGHTER
0:30:07 > 0:30:11- Is it professional signers for the deaf?- (LAUGHING) No.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15It's a badger one.
0:30:15 > 0:30:20- Badgers say sorry. - The answer is...
0:30:22 > 0:30:28This is a report from Badger News of some BMX riders disturbing badgers.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31The cyclists apologised, partly for riding their bikes over
0:30:31 > 0:30:33a badger sett, but mainly for the crude and abusive word
0:30:33 > 0:30:37they shouted at Roger Munt, which rhymed with his name...
0:30:37 > 0:30:40Todger.
0:30:41 > 0:30:42Next...
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Anybody's!
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Lights out and I'm faced with a button mushroom.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59This is about the pandas at Edinburgh Zoo,
0:30:59 > 0:31:02whose cages are being darkened to encourage the occupants to copulate.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Next, BBC what...?
0:31:07 > 0:31:11The BBC's coverage of non-professional paddling contest
0:31:11 > 0:31:14was both shallow and amateurish.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:16 > 0:31:17It must be.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28This was a complaint about BBC One's Countryfile covered by Badger News.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31The letter was addressed to BBC Director-General Mark Thompson,
0:31:31 > 0:31:34so very recent really, only three director-generals ago.
0:31:36 > 0:31:37Next.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Dog with current driving licence is now on the M1.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45Dog with no legs is now draught excluder.
0:31:45 > 0:31:46- No?- No.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48GROANS What?
0:31:48 > 0:31:49The answer is....
0:31:54 > 0:31:56And finally...
0:31:57 > 0:32:03She says she loses weight by running on a treadmill in her house
0:32:03 > 0:32:06with headphones on and just runs.
0:32:06 > 0:32:07It is...
0:32:10 > 0:32:12Nigella told the Telegraph...
0:32:14 > 0:32:18So, coming soon, an exercise DVD that both mums and dads can enjoy.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21LAUGHTER
0:32:21 > 0:32:26So, the final scores are, Ian and Susan have five points,
0:32:26 > 0:32:30- but Paul and Janet are the winners with six.- No!
0:32:30 > 0:32:32APPLAUSE
0:32:36 > 0:32:39On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
0:32:39 > 0:32:42and Susan Calman, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45And I leave you with news that in Tirana,
0:32:45 > 0:32:49Albania's first luxury spa opens for business...
0:32:52 > 0:32:55In Athens, despite the bank refusing to let her withdraw her savings,
0:32:55 > 0:32:58one Greek pensioner just won't give up.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05In Mumbai, it's revealed that David Cameron personally approved the budget
0:33:05 > 0:33:09for Boris Johnson's recent VIP all-expenses paid trip to India...
0:33:12 > 0:33:15And at London Zoo, during a star-studded anniversary dinner
0:33:15 > 0:33:19in his honour, David Attenborough's anecdotes start to drag on a bit...
0:33:23 > 0:33:25Good night.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd